The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Cauliflower

Episode Date: October 15, 2025

It’s still 2010 for our radio highlights and the Miliband Brothers are in the news. There’s also a broken laptop, Birdland and the birth of the Idiotic Eureka Moment. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank Skinner's Radio Days, it could go one of two ways. Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days. We're still in 2010 and in this week's best bits is the birth of the idiotic eureka moment. Don't remember? Stick around. I'm Frank Skinner. This is all to do with Absolute Radio. Emily is here. Oh yeah, I'm here. Likewise, Gareth. So the crowd's all assembled.

Gareth, you was something you were going to tell us. You've been holding back. Yeah, so I was... I'd rather find out things on air, wouldn't you? Yes. I don't want any conversations off the air anymore. I don't want to have a relationship with you off the air.

No, no. It's a waste. I was getting a lift with a very nice comedian called Mike Bellgrave, who was a lovely man, but he left me a very strange voicemail message. He said, you've got to meet me at Peckham Rye Station, right? And in the ticket office, I can't say this enough. Sorry, I don't mean to get a bit angry on the phone, but I've just had it so much with comedians.

People wander off. If you're going to be late, can you please tell me you're going to be late? You know, I don't mind you being late, but can you please just tell me it being late? He sounds like a awful friend. I'm loving this performance. I mean, I feel like I'm there on the phone. I mean, this is not an anecdote.

This is a play. This is not just an anecdote. This is an M&S anecdote. This is, and I've met him before. I know he's a lovely man. I'll put that in, I said in case he's listening. No, but otherwise I would have been terrified. But no, he was lovely and he gave me a lift all the way to Norwich.

But while I was waiting for him at Peck and Rye Station, I had a very scary moment where three youths came in. Hooded? No, they weren't wearing hoods. Okay. One of them was sort of wearing a uniform of some sort under- That was a policeman, Garretti. No, he was.

We're wearing a uniform under his car. They seem so young nowadays. Sort of like he works in a shop or something because he had a name badge and sort of a non-descript check shirt. They're a carri's. So, like, yeah, so like he works at Curries, but he's off duty. And I was just standing in the middle of the ticket office, like I've been told. Yeah.

And so there's three of them. And they sort of, you know, clock me and sort of were aware, you know, when you're aware. What do you mean they clocked you? Well, they were going to ask you out? No, I don't know what it was. Well, did they recognise you? No, no. Okay.

Oh, that was nice. Yeah, I thought, you know, I'll pretend that that could be possible. Look at his little face lit up there. Oh, it was like Fergie with the money. He recognised the silence. Were you edgy? I wasn't, I don't think I was there.

I got edgy because what happened is they were there and they sort of, we were all kind of shared a look so we knew each other were there. And then one of them came over and sort of stood behind me. So they sort of had me surrounded. Was this the one with the name badge? It was the one with the name badge. Who was he?

I don't know. You didn't read his name, but? No, I didn't. See, I'd have thought, I'm at least going to get his name, and that might come in Andy. Did it say happy to hell on the number? No, I didn't. I don't think so.

He didn't do that thing when he knelt down behind you and another one come over and push you over. Well, that's a bit what I was worried about. And they were kind of all aware I was... It would have been hard. All your head is in the concrete at Peckham Rye Station. That man arriving and saying, oh, comedians, they're all...

I knew this would happen. They're always in a pool of blood, would I get here? So tell us what happened. I'm on the edge of my seat. It was weird where they seemed to have me And they were all kind of... I'm not central on my seat Anyway, let's just say that

I don't know exactly right Because you can tell if people are sort of aware of your presence They were very aware I was there For some reason They were very aware you were there They were all kind of like looking at me But you're not talking to me

Would you expect them to look through you? No but you know When someone for some reason is aware you're there Anyway so what happened is this man Come and stood behind me And I realised He thought I was in a queue for a ticket machine I was just standing in the middle of the ticket office

and he joined the queue I was just standing there. You thought there was some incident. No, I know Raymond Blom wasn't involved in this. I'm starting to think that this tune can fit any Gareth don't. Peck and Rye you're playing it for. Any meandering tale that leaves you. Because I don't have roads at nowhere at my fingertips

by talking heads. I don't feel satisfied by that. I'm glad you weren't threatened in it. Yeah, no, it was fine. There's nothing wrong with an anecdote. The punchline is, and I was in the queue, for the ticket office. I'm happy with that. Peckham Rye Gazette, man involved in Q.

I'll tell you what, I was very sad to read. The cauliflower, has gone out of fashion. Can you believe that a thing like a cauliflower, is dependent on trends, the sales of cauliflower in the UK have dropped 35%. That's, I'm sorry to break this to you, Frank, because cauliflower's a rubbish. No, they're not, I really like cauliflower. They don't taste of anything. They're just white, sort of slightly brittle, gag, and then when you cook it, it goes to mush.

It goes to mush when you cook it. You're overcooking it. Besides, even if that, I accept some people don't like cauliflower, but why suddenly, with 35 percent of the population. Actually, that's probably not the right maths. Why, they should drop by a third in sales in one year. But other things have come along. There's things like hummus now and sun-dried tomatoes, which never exist.

Hummus is a replacement for the cauliflower. Yeah, well, if something new comes along, something else has to go. Don't say hummus now, like it's only just fashionable. That went out of the 17th. Yeah, also, you know, it's nothing like cauliflower. That's like so, well, now you've got Facebook. You don't need cauliflower. We're talking about the decline of the cauliflower over 10 years.

I've got an iPhone. What are you eating cauliflower for? I mean, just nonsense. You can get a cauliflower app. You'll get a cauliflower up in a minute if I come over there. The thing is, though, cauliflower are only good with cheese. That's not true.

It is. Who made you the box of cauliflower rules? You'd need gravy. You can't have cauliflower. Have you had cauliflower by itself? I've eaten cauliflower in almost every manifestation. Can I just say? I have.

I once boiled a cauliflower. You had cauliflower as the Duke of Wellington. Yeah, no, I served, I served. I served individual colliflowers to my guests. Oh, lucky guess. That was a nice party. No, listen, and I... Stinking old kitchen. Individual cauliflower. Listen, no, no, but it was a starter.

Keep that with prawns. Listen, it was a starter, and I put, I covered each one in a small Hessian cover. And it was an elephant-man-themed starter. Bread's going out of the fashion. as well, isn't it? Well, not... The standard sort of loaf is going... People now, apparently, in the United Kingdom,

they prefer, you know, brioche and... Cuisant. Fecchio. Baps. Same to you. Yeah. Oh, God. But that's another thing that has to be covered with cheese

to be any good. That's what it is. We can't be covering everything with cheese. I say you're another thing that needs to be covered with cheese to be any good. That's what I think. Oh, I'm going to try that. Yeah, but I think this is all very good. I'm sorry, because our palettes are getting more sophisticated.

There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. But I think, like, the bagel apparently has become like a big deal now. And if I'm eating a sandwich, I don't want to see the food through a small window. Why do you want it to be some strange secret? You know, when you have a bagel and you can see the smoke salmon in the little hole? Yeah, I don't want that.

You know, sometimes when you get a slice loaf, you'll get an air bubble and you think oh you get just one end of the air bulb and you think oh I know what's coming here there'll be a hole at the top of the bread and you get that hole just near the top of the bread and when you put it in

say if you've had like a cheese and salad sandwich it's like you're driving behind an Austin A-40 and the contents of the sandwich you're looking through that window at the back at you I don't want I feel guilty about eating it they need plugs for that they need some sort of bread plug that you can have on hand

in case there's holes in the bread I agree with that I'm going to write that down as well. That's going... I suppose I could, you know, patch up. Bread plug. Well, you could use another slice to fill that gap is what you could do. You could have used up another whole slice.

I know, that's true. And then that slice has got a hole in. It's actually the same shape. When the air bubble is at its fullest, when it's like it's a third of the slice, and it looks like a small handbag. And when you get it in the loaf and I keep going through, thinking how long is this going to go on for?

Oh, that's a night. And then there's the cross. What a waste of time? The crore. When did you last eat a cross from a slice bread? Well, I like it. Like a cross? Oh, not me.

To me, they're just package and packing. You know, I see those. It's just a lid for the loaf. I open the thing, I lift the crust, take things from underneath and then put it back. I often think of the cross. There must be a cross on one of my loaves thinking, hold on a minute, after I've had about six or seven sandwiches.

Isn't that the other cross down there? And then the one at the end is thinking, why is he still here? Surely he would have gone first. and then the inevitable when the two cross meet and then I throw them away. So I always throw away the remaining two cross. At least they go together, that's nice.

They went to a better place together. That's a lovely way of looking at it. Emily likes the upper crust. I went to a place called Birdland. Oh. Which, can you guess what Birdland is? It's not like some Hugh Hefner type place. No, no, no, no.

it's a sort of big aviary but with lots of exotic birds in I thought there's an argument it should be called bird air because that's really their element very few of them were on the land when I was there are they not so they quite big cages

because oh they're big cages oh you could probably get they're flying they're flying you could get I mean you could get two or three big cats in there and instead there's just like you know Well, that would liven up, Birdworld.

That would get the party started. I don't see why they couldn't just have one cage with the tiger in here. Just very frustrated. What gets me about birds? Obviously, you have to qualify for Birdland by being an exotic bird of some kind. But all the local birds have come in. And they're just knocking around. It's a riffra.

Yeah, they're just knocking around. So there's like a multi-coloured mccour with like a sparrow on the same perch. You think, oh, come on, lad. It's like the velvet rope has come down. You know what I'm saying? They need a stricter door policy these birds. Yeah, you can't have sparrows in the McCaw cage.

I saw one cage, and this is absolutely true. All I did it was two pigeons. And I thought, well, they look like the pigeons, you see. And then I realised there was no top on this cage. They'd just come in and taken it for their own. And they were sitting in there, like they were an exhibit. There's no top on the cage? No top on the cage.

Well, it's not a cage then, is it for birds? Not really. They haven't thought that through. Oh, so if you're paying good money to go to Birdland, £1.20 or whatever it is, six pounds, six pounds. on your girlfriend six pounds six pounds 50 you as rob mate six pounds 50 for a few I hate birds you see the internet you can look at birds don't you hate birds they're very they peck and

they've got horrible personalities I just I've never met a bird I like oh there's a lovely there was a lovely big big talking parrot thing oh was there yeah that was now that did strike me that could a parrot one of the I've never heard of a parrot being used for is a translator that that could explain what the other bird the same as it speaks in as it's bilingual and instead i've never heard it used in that way i mentioned this yeah um and someone said to me that that that's that's me assuming that um parrots have some sort of they understand english whereas they don't understand it apparently they just learn it parrot fashion well it makes sense doesn't it but i love that idea also there was a thing

there and it was called something like the Aredius Arodius. You know when they get the Latin. And honestly, I was so amused by this name. I said, Aredius Arodius. And at that moment, it came right to the bars. And I thought, does this thing answer to its Latin name? I know what that is, Frank, because you always have run-ins with that. Remember they're running with the gorilla?

They always bond with you animals. There's a chimpanzee. Oh, I'm sorry. The gorilla, I found, slightly stand-offish. Well, not someone to stand the squat. Squat-offish, she was. You should have saw the snowy owls. One of them was completely cross-eyed.

Completely cross-eyed. I mean, in an unbelievable, look, I looked over my shoulder, and it looked at me to see what it was looking at. And there was a sense, they were very close together as if they were opt to something. What, the snowy owls?

I felt that they were saying, look, as soon as it snows, we're out of here. Well, they were probably in cahoots. Oh, Gareth. Fine work. Does that quite work? Yeah. How's hoots.

They're to-it-woo, don't they? They were together like they were, you know, arranging something. They were in cahoots. That sort of works, isn't it? I'm not happy with me. Hey, listen, we've had a text in Frank on 812-15 saying, I've been to Birdland at Burnt. Is it Borton or Burton on the water?

Borton. Borton on the water. Did you see those giant fish? I did see the giant fish, yeah. But I think what's disappointing about the giant fish. They're black and they're in like a... lake, obviously, where it's not going to be in a cage. Yeah.

So you can hardly, you want the brightly collared, the coy. You want the coy, ideally. These were just like vague shadows moving about. Well, I think in birdland, fish are a bonus of any sort. Well, that's, that is true. I mean, why they were in birdland. But let's face, you're not going to get people into fish land. Sea world.

I hate fish almost as much as I hate birds. What do you like in the animal kingdom? I like a panther. Do you? But that's another story. Yeah. So where else have you been this week? What else have you done with your time?

Well, while I was bought in... I first week this are bought in the Water Special. Yeah. I went to my first ever model village. Did you? Oh no, that's something I do like a model village. Oh, you do like a model village? Yes, there's one in Cornwall I'm a fan of.

I prefer a glamour model village. Okay, they're a bit common, but you know, they're curvy and I like that. Now, I went to the model village. It was, I'd never, I sort of knew what it was, but I imagine it would be made out of some sort of very reinforced card. But it was made from Cotswold Stone, would you believe that? Oh, wow. And the churches in the model village.

You know, it's a scale model. It's 1.19th, apparently, of the size of the real village. Oh, okay. And it was very handy because we hadn't got any food in me and Kath, my girlfriend. So I said, well, look, there's a spa over there. So we were able to spot it in the model village. and then work out where it was. It's like a very old-fashioned sat now.

So it was a model of the actual village. Yes. That's what a model village is. That is not the case. That is not the case. Sometimes you have model villages that are just imaginary places. You do. How do you know?

When did you do your degree in model villagery? I've been to model villages. And like they had a model life of tower. They had the model all sorts of lamberts. It was that in Paris that you went to that one. Why it wasn't? They don't always act as match to the place you're in. Well, I'm only been to one.

As I've just said, I've never been to one before. And suddenly, I'm being picked apart for my model village, lack of knowledge. Did the model village have a model village in? Well, it's funny you should say that. And let's face we've been waiting for me to use that phrase. It did have, exactly that. In the corner of the model village was the model village model village. And did that model village have a model village?

You know, it may have, but I couldn't, you know, if it did have, it was tiny. So you took your girlfriend on your week off to the model village in the bird sanctuary. Yeah, that was me done then. Lucky cat. I thought my job here is done. What more do you want? Yeah, it was, I like, they had churches in the model village, obviously because the church is in the real village. Yeah.

And they had the sound of a choir singing emanating from each of the churches. That's quite nice. Oral experience as well as visual. Did they have Doll's House food? You know that's my favourite. They didn't have Doll's House food. Not that I saw any, no. I used to have my cigarettes in the Doll's House when I was younger.

That's a lovely sweet story of childhood, isn't it? Cigarettes in the Doll's House. A novel by Battle Bainbridge. So. We buy any cars. We don't, by the way. I was just singing that song. I don't used to think that we all buy any cars.

I don't want people turning up here with an old Vox or Viva, thinking I'm going to take it off their hands. No, sirree. I'm open to offers. Ali in Tottenham, Frank, has sent in a text. Morning all, I went to that model village. Fabulous. That's someone who went to Birdland and someone who went to the model village.

What a small world we live in? And, like it? Well, Ali says it was on a first date. with a man who had an ambition to photograph every model village in England. Brilliant. She says, well, no, because she says there wasn't a second date. Well, the trouble is with that. You're going to cover a lot of ground.

The second one, I mean, all close together. Let's just, I know you can't sit there's a home. I'm just got a grid here of the model villages of Great Britain. I looked off. You both look around as if I had got one. I can't believe you fell for that. You fools. I believe we have some.

We've had some emails. We have during the week. Some email heskis. Oh, I like email eskis. This is a great one I really like from Gary. Can I say never start anything like that? Oh, but I like Gary Davenport. But now you've set up a stander having to be a great one.

I can imagine. Gary, oh, he must be quaking in his boots. He must be nervous. Okay. Well, the jury's out. I purchase any vehicles. I purchase any vehicles. They've brought us.

running out now. You see, it used to be cars now. They'll take a bicycle off your hands. That would be a very scary ad. I wouldn't like that. I'll purchase any vehicles. A horrible old Victorian man, it sounds like. Rag and bone man. So, Gary Davenport, says, Dear Frank Emily and Gareth, I had what I call an idiotic eureka moment a few days ago. I'm going to write that down.

Idiotic eureka. Didn't she used to be on shooting stars? Idiotic. Still is. Okay. Everyone got that, idiotic eureka? Yes, idiotic eureka moment. So he says, a competition appeared on TV recently with the question, what type of dancing did Stavros Flatley parody?

I had the said Eureka moment when I suddenly realised that Flatley must be a reference to Michael Flatley, the legendary Irish dancer. So I realised it was Irish. I explained my euphoria to my fiancée, Michelle, and she looked at me and said, You've only just got that, you idiot.

So that was his idiotic eureka moment. because it happened much later on in time. I know exactly what. The same thing happened to me with the... Do you remember the British telecom adverts with Maureen Lippman? Oh yeah, B-T, her name was. Her name was. Yeah.

Do you know it took me a year and a half to work out that was a pawn on B-T. I never realised that. You didn't realize. You've only just got it, yeah. Oh, my God, you're idiots. You were here at the moment when Gareth got the B-T pawn. And I had to tell him, can I say, I remember the day that the pence of a plonk of a penny drop.

And I thought, oh, that's what I get it. And you do, I did exactly what he did. I told someone as if they hadn't got it yet. And they just looked at me as if I was some sort of fool. I did that in a restaurant recently. Oh, my anecdotes involve a restaurant in some way. And it was quite a posh restaurant. And you know when they give you that lemon and it has a little muslin pouch over it,

a little muslin bag over the lemon? No idea what you're talking about. Yeah, you do. Frank, have you had it? Yeah, I think that's to stop Pips going into it. Yeah, but I didn't realise that about a week ago. I didn't know that. What did you think it was all?

I thought it was like, I thought it was like decorative to make it look nice. Well, it does look nice. I think Muslim has got a lovely softness about it. Muslim. So Gary has had another example of this, which I quite like. Oh, Gary's on an absolute role. Yeah. He said, my fiancé had her own one recently.

We bought a new sun hat for our daughter Gemma, which bore an uncanny resemblance to a nun's habit. She asked me, what's a nuns? habit, to which I replied, it's the name of the headgear worn by nuns. After about a 30 second pause, she said, oh, now I get it. Sister Act 2, back in the habit. Ever since

the film came out, she thought the Whoopi Goldberg was simply back in the habit of being a nun. Well, you can never know where the holes are going to be in someone else's knowledge, poor laugh. I think people could phone in on that if anyone else has added... What does he call it? Idiotic eureka moments.

So we're calling it an I-E-E-M. Oh, I like it. It's very hot in it, by the way. Oh, I'll turn it down. Oh, dear, I'm proper. Honestly, you could stick, I could probably stick paper to me. Look, with that, I've become, I've turned everything around me into it posted. I'm so clammy.

I've got a fine film on me of slime. Anyway, you don't know that. So do text us on 812. Yeah. For your idiotic eureka moments. She's this one to be a good one or a bad one. I can never decide. Well, you just never know.

For some weeks, we asked the question, I have great anticipation. We get nothing. And then some weeks, I'll mention my girlfriend's rubber circle things she puts around her hair, and we get 5,000 texts saying what they're called. Yeah. You know, you were talking about the BT advert, and now it had taken you all this time to realise that it was a pun on BT, her name, BT. Yeah.

We've had about three emails in from people, including Rob from Elford, who says, I'm 40 years old and I've only just now got the BT from BT bit myself. Have I enlightened the nation with this? Yeah. Yeah. And we've also had John from Telford who said about eight years ago I got the Souty and Sweep connection. I was 35 years old. I don't think I've actually consciously thought about Suttie and Sweat.

Soutty and Sweat. Yeah, of course. I still don't get it. Are you serious? Well, Sutty and then that's sweet. Oh, I get it. Oh, I love it. I don't know if they're still working.

At least we've worked out their names now. You've had another Eureka moment from Donna, who says about six months ago, I realised that the no return for two hours sign, you know when you park your car, meant that you couldn't come back and park. I thought it meant you could park and not return to your car for two hours.

I would spend ages looking for the least stripped signs that would let me come back a bit quicker. Oh, no, what's the name? Donna. Oh, Donna, milling around the shop trying to kill an hour and a half. to go back to my car. I love the idea of a traffic warden going,

excuse me, you've only been gone an hour and 20 minutes. Yeah, oh, come on, clear off. By parking here, you promise to be there for two hours. Oh, that is poor Donna. Keith in Worcester Park says it took me years and years to get Sandy Short. I thought it was just her name. Well, it is her name, but it's not her real name. It's a kind of a pon, yeah, Sandy Shore.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, I only realised very recently Jasper Carrot probably wasn't his real name. yes but it's less of a pawn isn't it just for carrot no but it is quite a silly name um what was your so that's our phone in this morning

quite silly names gareth you had a mortiser one didn't you yeah um good morning to all i had an iem after years of crunching mortisers one day i sucked one and the chocolate melted and my taste buds were teased by the malt eureka i realised why they're called mortisers at simon in liverpool

Yeah, the malt. It's never struck me there was malt in Maltese, as I must say. So corn flakes, you're not telling me that they... I must look up the ingredients. Can I just read out one more text because it's a bit of a retro one going back to an earlier subject

which feels like years ago now, but it was model villages. Oh yeah. And Oz in Oxfordshire says, Dear Frank, for the ultimate model village experience wear a King Kong or Godzilla costume, which I think is genius.

That would have been a great photo opportunity. Oh, funny. Holding a little plane. So I suppose the big story is... Oh, hold on a minute. Wednesday morning. That's so much better. I've been a bit jingle light of light.

I don't think I've really... In the early days, I was like Rick Waitman over twin keyboards. And now I just forget they exist. You even had a black cape, like Wakeman. I'll tell you what could really lift it, though. and that is I'd like that with me all the time so when I walked

in time with it so if I came into a room and say actually Frank's here about key in the door oh that'll be him even everyone I'd like to walk down the aisle to that just repeatedly

I think that would be that'd be very good so So, yes, the Miliband Brothers. That's what everyone's talking about. They're the hot new act. Well, hot is the word. Do you think they are?

Oh, yeah. You think they're hot? Yes. The only thing that puts me off from there is they're so commercial, like it's so obvious to fancy them. Everyone fancies them. Because they're the only good-looking ones. I haven't heard anyone else say they fancied the Miliband brothers. Mind you, I fancy Vince Cable.

Yeah. See, you see that thing where when the coalition government began and, And David Cameron was asked. And I said, how do you feel now? But when someone asked you, your favourite joke, and you said Nick Clegg. And it was a bit of an awkward moment. And then Nick Clegg said, did you really say that?

And then he mimed walking off. It's a fabulous bit. I mean, it's actual visual comedy from comedians. But it struck me at the time that, why is that an insult to be called a joke? When a joke is, in fact, one of the finest things in life. isn't it? It brings joy. It's often the result of human ingenuity. It has a warmth and one repeats them. One remembers one's favourites.

To be called a joke, why is that a bad thing? It should be a great compliment. You don't want to be the butt of it. No, you don't want to be the butt of the joke. And the suggestion is that you in yourself are something humorous and to be laughed at and ridiculed, rather than it being good wordplay. No, but you're bringing in ridicule. You're imposing. So you think if people say, I'll tell you what the best. joke ever is Frank Skinner and everyone laughed that would be good

I see what you mean I'd be happy with that whereas if someone said that about me I wouldn't be happy no I would be concerned about the the brother element now because I don't like the idea of brothers pitched against brothers

and won't there be with the miller bands well I mean their parents that's going to be awkward isn't it Mr and Mrs. yeah and also there'll be that kind of thing, you know, if you win, if you keep going and you win, I'm going to tell mum you smoke. There'll be all that kind of stuff going on.

Which for Ed Miliband, who was environment, so it would be a kiss of death. Oh, exactly. Absolute kiss of death. I was saying this, I think I was, actually, I was on television. I was saying that I thought that they would be. Congratulations. They'd be, thanks very much. Let's make the most of it. Could be my, I think officially my last ever appearance. Yeah, I think that if they did it.

together, not went against each other, but if they, if they, like, did the Cameron-Cleg thing, I think the idea of having two brothers running it, that'd be really exciting. It's a bit like a double act. It becomes a bit comedy double act. It could do your own... It's not a bit like a double-act.

It is a double-act, thank you, yeah. I think it would be, you know, it would open the door for, like, you know, maybe 20 years' time, conjoined twins. Now, broken Britain, Britain wasn't the only thing that was broken this week because Gareth was telling me about something earlier That was a fantastic link

Congratulations Neil Francis, thank you Land from the Master But Garret's not going to talk about it at all Now Garretz likes the difficult port That's one of his things I've always admired him for that No my mate of mine who I haven't been in touch with for quite a long time

Left a thing on my Facebook recently saying I miss your silences in phone calls Which is I do it even in phone calls There's long awkward silences. How do you explain it? Well, I don't know. I don't know. It just sort of happens. I mean, have you run out of things to say?

I don't know anything happen. It's like I black out at those points, so I don't remember that. Oh, is that one happens? Yeah, it's just like, you know. See, when I talk to you, I always think, I'm being so tedious that Gareth is now thinking about something else, and that's what that big silence was. And then you come back to me just out of shit. of politeness, really. No, it takes me

a while to consider what someone said. I think I'm just a bit slow, but given the time. No, but I don't think I'm stupid. I just think it takes me more time to be contentious. Yeah. See, I'm worried about that. People will switch off. They think, well, I didn't like the ending much.

It was like that Tommy Cooper show that time. I mean, there was no proper ending. So anyway, so what was broken? So our keyboard on our laptop, me and Laura's laptop, has broken. I love it when a keyboard becomes our keyboard. I know. Oh, don't share a laptop. That way trouble lies.

Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Checking your history. Delete history. That's all I'm saying. Oh God, delete history. Delete history. Isn't that what pole popped?

If we forget, then it will just happen again. Yes. Our laptop, the The broken laptop. The broken laptop. And so what I did is I went on eBay and I've bought a replacement keyboard for the laptop.

You know, the part of the laptop that is the keyboard. Don't take this as patronising, but that's quite a practical thing to do. It took me three years to think of it. Okay. You started thinking of it before eBay existed. Yeah. Actually, how old is eBay?

I'm a profit. Yeah, it's older than three years. Is it? I reckon. I forgot a car, or anything. Can I just say that in Yorkshire, there is a one where you, just in Yorkshire, there's an eBay where you can buy, you know, Yorkshire-based things like flat caps and cricket items called eBay gone. No, but there was just a little island there.

If I'd have been out in the street, that would have been out, broadcaster in my PA. I'd have just switched it on for that one. And then thank you very much, ladies gentlemen. And then you can listen to me on absolute radio Saturday mornings at 8. So, yeah, so you've got your keyboard. I've got a keyboard, but this has presented a problem because what you can do is you can order the individual keys to replace on a laptop.

Can you? Really? It's like countdown. Oh, I love it. But it turned out that that was... What if you can't afford all of them? You just have to choose which letters you like the best. Yeah. Most common, you need the vowels.

Oh, yeah. You would have, but you would only have broken one properly, probably. But they're quite expensive, so it turned out, like, so basically the whole keyboard was the price of like four keys. So I got a whole keyboard and I thought if worse comes to worse, I can just take the key off and put it back on. But it's a different sort of fixing. So I'm going to have to put the whole keyboard in the laptop. The problem is I don't know what I'm doing. Why don't you just get a man in?

Any idea. Do you need a space bar anyway? People can work it out, Kotner. You know, you can just write lips. Lipsmacking, thirst, quenching, just write everything like that. Or just stream of consciousness, like Courtney Love or something. Yeah, you don't need a space bar. Space bars are very, I think they're very 90s.

Just write the whole thing out. People can work you know. Maybe the problem is when I've been speaking, the space bar has been getting stuck, and that's why there's such long pauses. There you go. You've got a broken space bar. You've got a broken space bar.

I think there's a whole word of song. So that's a very good idea for a song. you've got a broken space button. Write it down. Yeah, obviously it'll all be one word. We've taken all by radio shows and've done a bit of editing and tightening. It's a walk-down memory lane, I know because people find new things quite frightening.