The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: Chicken and the Egg

Episode Date: August 26, 2026

This week (in 2014), Frank sees rats in the zoo and meets a man with a TARDIS. The gang also chat Russell Crowe and interesting grooming habits. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank's King is ready or days. It could go on. Oh, we've had a text in, Frank, from Barry. He says, hi, Frank and the team. Do you mean a person or the island in Wales? No. Not from the entire island. This is just from Barry. He says, hi, Frank and the team.

It was great to see Frank back in Bournemouth last week. I hope that he enjoyed the Boscom Tardis and encountered the local residents. A famous Boscom local is Gaza. I was going to shout this out, but it did not seem appropriate. Gaza? Mm. Gaza doesn't live in Boscow. So he's saying.

Well, maybe he's moved there now, Frank. It's a different Gaza. I'm now in the position of that judge who says, who is Gaza? Yes, well, yes. I played Bournemouth, and as you know, if your British geography is red-hot, Boscombe is right there in Bournemouth, next to Bournemouth, joined to Bournemouth, within Bournemouth, it's there. And they've got, they've opened an.

actual police box. Have they? Like a proper old fact that they used to have in the 50s in this country. So it's got like a, it looks exactly like the TARDIS. Not exactly, but more or less exactly like the TARDIS. And there's a door in the front and you can use the phone to call the police in times of, I'm sure this is no reflection on Boscom and its residence. But I was looking at it and I had my photo took in front of it and stuff.

I was with Gareth. We used to be on this show. of course. In the golden age. Yeah. And it's award winning here, do. Exactly. Exactly. And then this man came up who, how can I describe him? He had about,

I'd say you have no more than five teeth. He had between three and five teeth. So your demographic, essentially. Yeah, and he had a camouflage coat on. And a baseball cap. And we had a conversation. So this bloke with the reduced number of teeth, he pointed at this police box.

He said, what do you see? What do you see? And I said, well, I thought he was getting at the doctor. Yeah. I hope it will be the next host of catch race. And I said, well, the TARDIS. And he said, duh. He said, it's a prison for.

Obuscus. Oh. Which hadn't struck me at all that's what it was being useful. I was tempted to put my ear to it to see if I could hear.

Let me take you. But he was very adamant about this and then he walked away and he said to me you've got a very juvenile view of life. Did you really say that?

No one said you do. No, I quite like it. As we'd driven there, especially to see the TARDIS, I couldn't really ask you. Against it, but he was, I don't think he was a fair representative of Boscom, because I was, we were then, we wandered off, Gareth and I, and we were beckoned into a cafe

by two young women. Oh. I'm not thinking this Wallace and Glamic friendship you and Gareth have. I like the old school tour story, who were beckoned somewhere by two young women. Yeah. We were filmed in a... confessions of a window cleaner at the day.

And these two women ran a cafe called the Twisted Teapot. And they were sisters. And they called us in and gave us free carrot cake. Nice. So there you go, two sides of the same Boscombe coin. A bit juvenile. It was fairly juvenile. But it was very odd last week because we drove off on tour from London.

And if you know that London area, you may know Vanguard on the A40, which is a big tall tower next to the Hoover building. And they have a sort of gimmick. I don't even know what they do with the company. But they have... Storage, sure. They have things on the room. Don't look for me. I don't get involved in admin.

That could be just to do texting. What do Vanguard do? Yeah. So that'd be a great texting. But they have like... Please let that be our texting. Advertisers who pay to me on this programme, absolutely furious,

where we're doing a massive vanguard special. But anyway, they have things on top. They've obviously near airplanes up there, and they have a big inflatable centre. Oh, like big installations, yeah. And they've got a TARDIS. No. So we drove past the TARDIS,

then I went to Cardiff, where we went to the Doctor Who experience, and then it was tardy, I mean, it was... Next thing you know, you'll be moving back in with your parents. Exactly. Do you think this is true, Emily? Do you think he's really seen three Tardises in a week? I think it's that non-alcoholic wine.

There was more than three at the Doctor Who experience, I can tell you. And the Lecky Sigg used to be back on those as well. I'll tell you something else. My shoelace came on down in Cardiff. I know this doesn't sound like it's going to be one of the great anecdotes. All right, Peter Houston off, let's hear this anecdote. And I don't know whether this is a deliberate council policy across the name. but there are less things to put your foot on, the right height, to put your foot on.

Or maybe I can't get my foot as high as I used to. I think that might do what it is. Well, some people go straight down, they actually go down and go flat to the flinch. Very interesting point, Frank, because I'm often forced to do that myself when I'm doing the heel swap. Okay. So I'm looking for something about sort of calf height. Is that what you're looking for? Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe you should explain the heel swap. You mean when you go from flats to hear it? So if I'm going out, just FYI readers, if I'm going out for the evening, I'll sometimes wear a ballet pump, not really a trainer, it's a bit more New York, a ballet pump or a flip-flop to commute around town. I'm a girl about town. Yes.

And then I'll find a secret corner of an alley maybe to put the heels on just before I arrive at the venue. Yeah. No one never knows. The ballet pumps go in the back. But that's a different leaning position, that isn't it? Because I imagine you're like... I'll be the judge of that. You know when people do that, the...

sort of thigh stretch. You see footballers doing it. It's a bit like that, isn't it? Yeah, the handstring, yeah. But I needed something. I think there might be a sort of health and safety policy to stop people tying shoelaces on council posts and walls in case they have a slip and fall incident and catch a shin.

What about, I went and saw Noah. Oh, the film. Mm-hmm. We're going to need a bigger boat. I know that. Yeah. That's the man with the boat, isn't it? It was...

Is that a line from the film? We're going to need a bigger book. No, that's a line from Jaws. Oh, yeah. But you have to pay to download that, so you probably haven't seen it. Russell Crow doesn't really do lines like that, does he? No. Well, I don't know.

I only spent a couple of evenings with him. Oh, of course. I know. I know he. I know you've encountered him, but I can't tell my anecdote because it involves a lot of expletives. Okay. Well, good. But I only know him through the...

through Celluloid. Okay. And do you know, Celio Lloyd? Right, posh girl lives in. Now, I've seen him in films. I find, he's obviously a good actor,

but he's a good actor who seems to be thinking, for blimey, I'm a good actor all the time he's acting. He's very momentous. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So everything he said...

He's not got much self-doubt, old Russell. No, but everything he said in the film, was, Ross, importer, Bayer's, Poizotto, poisedole, potter, oh. Is he drunk Scottish in it?

It wasn't a great part you were watching, wasn't it? I didn't, I didn't think it needed words. Did he? He does speak in it, doesn't he? He does, but, you know what I mean? He's a bit like that. I imagine wearing a Sal Wester, as he says it. He's just momentous.

If I know as the director on, I said, Russ, I love him, it's just a bit too momentous, you know. Can we have less, that was never a note I got on the sitcom. Could we have less momentous in this salad? A bit of light and dark, Russell. Two momentous. I can't take that much momentous. It's making my shoulders hurt.

The idea of you directing Russell Crowe. No, but you know. I'd sell my house. Russell Crowe is just, whoa, do, do, blah, oh, you know, he could have... Thingy was in it, Anthony Hopkins. Fingy. Oh, he loves being called Thingy. Anthony Hopkins. He does... I mean, he does a great momentous, but also...

He's got like a subsection. He does a bit about like embarrassing. It's spoilers. Oh, and it's... I can't wait to see this, Phil. It's lovely. Also, it's, you know, it's... How does Anthony Hopkins? Do you, Anthony Hopkins? What does he do? He does light and then...

He says, I. It's good to see you. Yeah, that is. Noah. That's all right. Come, Noah. Noah, you need to relax. Come dance with me. It's getting hot in here, so... Let take off all your clothes.

You know what he can do? He can be light-hearted in a way that Russell Crow can't. No, I'm a great fan of Sir Anthony Hopkins, but I just, for a second, I had a senior. Also, it's very right on, you know, it's all about saving the planet really. It's not so much about, I'm not going to give too much about,

but you must know it's for publicity. There's a lot of, they're vegetarians and stuff, and that's why they save the animals. A lot of rain is there a lot of rain in it? It's a fair amount of rain. Right. It holds no appeal whatsoever. Can I ask that, if you were a really super vegetarian, would you name your son, ham?

No. Seems lightly, doesn't he? There's a ham in it? Other than Russell Crowe. I don't know. I can't possibly, if he's listening, he's the sort of bloke can come around the studio. Yeah, I'll take it. Oh, he will.

He listens to everything. Hi, Russell. I'd take him. I'll step two. Can I have a word with you outside? He called me Wizzy U.K. That was his nickname for me. Wizzy U.K.

Because he had a friend in Australia called Wizzy, and apparently I looked just like her. But even that, even that, I bet he said, you are Wissie UK. You couldn't do it in a light way. I'm going to put you in my phone. I would be self-righted if he said that. He'd never going to speak to me again.

I was in the park with my son, Bo, B-U-D-Z. And he was on the... Double-Z? He was on the swing. Oh, they love the swing. Well, he went through a period of being frightened of the swing, but now he's back to it. So I was giving him a good old push,

and this kid walked past this small child and went, the baby's going high. I just carried on walking. And I made me think, oh God, I'm pushing him too. Isn't that an interesting piece of commentary? I don't think you should take health and safety advice from other children. That's one of the rules. Well, they're taught it now. It's cool.

They won't mislead you. I took Bertie, my niece, on the swings the other day, and there was some children on the roundabout, and one of them said, you can't come in here. This is National Rail. Apparently, that's what they play in playgrounds now, National Rail. Oh. So how are you going on the swing?

I don't know. But I noticed that I slowed up a bit when I was getting, there was a sort of kink at the end of the arc where he was sort of dropped, we're not back to Noah. Or Ray Davis. So, yeah, so I felt like I was pushing him. But, you know, he wasn't complaining. No.

They're fine with it. Also, we went to a zoo in Golders Green. Is this you in Buzz now, or you and Garret? Me, Boz and the whole family. Other of your day trips. And we saw, you know, so Barty's going donkey, donkey at the donkeys, obviously, and the owl, owl. Aul at the owls.

It was all very good. And he likes the animals and all that. And then as we was walking back, he went, he pointed it again, and it was a rat on the floor. Were you in the cafe by that point? And I actually went, rat, even though I'm thinking, oh, it's a rat. quite close. And the rat didn't, he didn't flee. Even when we got close.

The rat might think he would say. Might think it's part of the zoo. Well, it does live. Why shouldn't it? No, it very much looked as if it wasn't. It very much looked. But I mean what it thinks and what it is is two different things. No, no, no, but I thought it's manner.

Like a burglar rat? Its manner was very much, I'm not part of the zoo thing. Don't fight me out. You know, I'm... I'm an independent free spirit. I'm here incognito. This is my hood. You know, he felt like it wouldn't right to be pointed at him like he was in.

It's like when you see those, you know those pongs with big mohawk, you see getting photographed in London? You think this is not what it should be like for the punks. They should be troublesome and outlaws. So, well, this weekend it's Easter. Apparently there has some tremendous religious significance. Yes. Which is lost on me.

And me. Frank fasted yesterday. What? It's good Friday. You have to fast on good Friday. Really, I ate the hoods as well. I had a good Friday. Yeah, you love it.

You won't have such a good Friday in the furnace. I love, I just see. You're going to Barrow in fairness. He's using the days for what they're intended in fairness. I've used the days to lie in bed and dream up revenge strategies. People that insulted me in 1987. That's what I do with my extra time. I do.

At least you're, you know, looking back at your life. I like that sort of thing. Yeah, but they found, have you read about this hot cross bun? Because I need to talk to you about hot crossbonds. I have major hot crossbond issues. It's due with the citrus. It's, how do you? It's the citrus inclusion, but we'll get to that.

Oh, yes. What's in there that's citrus? It's a great big orange bits, maybe. There's big orange bits in a big crossbund. Well, I think it depends on your up. But I have known, like, a sort of, you know, a sort of a marmaladele slice. Yeah, it's a hideous surprise. I have had them with those in.

Yes. It's like meeting your dream. man and then finding he's got white snake on his iPod. That's what it feels like. I love a hot cross man. I've had that. Oranges, can't ask a question. When I was a kid, we used to have tangerines. Hang on, we're going back a bit here. We used to have tangerines and then suddenly they turn into satsumas. Are they one and the same thing, or is that a different breed of small orange?

I don't know. I can't remember the Peasants Revolt. That would be today's text in 8, 12, 15. They are different. Are they? We did get resolution on Vanguard. You know, we had the Vanguard texting. Paul has texted. Vanguard are an American investment company

that manage money on a passive basis. That is all. Cheers, Paul. I manage money on a passive basis. Yeah. Maybe. What about this hot crossband? Can I ask this question?

We had, I recently... Ask me anything. I recently had a bat. you brought up citrus fruits. I recently had a batch of, let's call them satsumas, let's try and be modern about it. Yeah. Well, if we're going modern, aren't they easy pealers now? That's what they call them, in it?

That's in the pound shop. Okay. Okay, what a give way. And I found that obviously that many of them were allowed to rot in the fruit bowl, all fruit. I would say 80% of the fruit that comes into our house, rots into.

Oh. But... That's a shame. I find with Satsumas that you get, some of them go squidgy and tend to a sort of furry mosh. Some of them go like rock hard tiny cannibal. What in this crazy random universe decides which Satsuma takes which root? I think it's... I love the furry ones.

I think the fork in the road is moisture. I think if it goes... Well, I'm talking about things that dwelleth in the same bowl. Yeah. You heard you so angry. If one of them is below moist, then it goes hard. And I think if it's above moist, it goes mushy. Below and above moist.

You know, from normal. If you take the same two through. I like a loose segment. One of them. I really do. You think this link's not very tight. Is that what you're saying? No, she's not about what she has for breakfast.

One segment of Satsuma. You know when the segments come loose? Oh, I love that. Mm-hmm. Well, that's a nice. thing about that. It's that thing about just pulling the peel off without any, no need for the thumbnail to have any suffering at all. I mean, I've done a tight, a tight peeled orange. Yeah. Where my thumb nail after, is throbbing. Yeah, but I don't like all the white flotsam and jetsam,

though. Oh, I like the slight tearing when you pull the inner fruit. You know, the tearing of the pith. Oh, the tearing of the pith. What a fabulous poem that is. Right now, for a limited time, everyone's part of the Buick team, even you. Buick's employee pricing for you event is on now. Get a purchase credit of up to $3,168 on a 2026 Buick Envision. Surround yourself with signature Buick refinement from an available massaging driver's seat to an expansive panoramic moonroof and a stunning ultra-wide 30-inch diagonal screen. Don't miss Buick's employee pricing for you event.

Visit puik.ca for more details. It's cold friends, criminals, radio days, a dull, days as it's stupid a mean days as in the sevens of the week so this is a take out

a blue. Yes, the hot cross barn. It's 207 years old, this hot cross barn. This has been found in a house in Essex. Okay. There was a rather strange backstory. It was given to the owner's...

There would be, though, an electrician in the 1980s, which I thought sounded quite. quite set up to a two Ronnie's sketch. Yes, and he'd done some work at his house. And he'd inherited it also and like, who inherits a hot cross bonus? I think they used to be

considered because of the cross and all that to be something that was sort of brought good fortune, so people used to keep them. Right. They tend I don't know what their random factory is on going squidgy or hard. This one has clearly

gone hard. You couldn't keep a squidgy. She said, Dot, the owner, says it was like a ball of concrete. Apparently, yeah, but these original hot cross buns, they just had the cross on the top and they were like bread rolls. I wonder what the name of Dot's website is. What is it? Is it dot.com?

Yeah, so these are more like bread rolls. They have the actual cross on the top. Yeah, there'd be no R-interpeer in these old style. Oh, no. No, you'd like that? I'd love it. Don't like the hideous surprise. I'm, um, well, I think they're a pretty,

good band. My problem with them is any sort of horizontal slicing I have to do. I don't you like that, Frank? I find it very hard to judge. So what happens is I often get a thin slice and quite a thick slice. You don't even get to slice. And I hate that thing.

I find not always with the hot cross bond, they get wedged in the toaster. Oh, the burny corner? So they start to really burn. And I always do this thing, which is reckless, I know, but I go in with the knife to pull them out. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Do you think I unplug it first?

Do I buffler? I go straight in and, oh, I'm absolutely on edge. Turning my stomach. You want a knife's edge? I think I've forgotten the dangers. I don't think I... That doesn't happen anymore, does it? I don't think I...

You'll get a shock when you remember. No, but I haven't had an electric shock since the 80s. Really? Really? I think I'd find it quite nostalgic. No, I've had no static things. But I haven't been thrown across. a room since I would say, 87. When was that? It does seem quite a 70s thing to be warned

about. It's a bit like don't listen to the radio in the bathroom. It is. It's like having a glass of milk, having an electric shock. It's something that I just, it's from my past. Very odd. So, you know, I wouldn't mind, I don't want a killer, but I wouldn't mind one that just shook me up at me. I remember them being quite exciting in the aftermath. Oh, oh, oh, then you got an anecdote, just like that. Yeah. You'd say it, wouldn't you? Well, I just got a really big shock off that.

Are you talking about off the plug or something? Anything like that? Yeah, but can I tell you why you got it a lot in the 70s? Because of the clothing. It's all man-made fibres. I know, but that's static. I'm on about the stuff that really. I think we should give some credit to electricians as well the last 30 years.

I think they've started earthing everything. It's such a typical thing for you to say. Credit for electricians. For goodness. We've started earthing things better, I think. It's one of the... They don't teach them how to change plugs anymore. They don't need to.

No, it's easy, isn't it? Yeah. Can you think it took so long to supply plugs with electrical goods? I'm talking about plugs on absolute radio. Well, they like plugs on XRadio. This is not for power at all. It makes a nice change. On the Easter food, I eat eggs and boiled eggs all year round.

Love them. And now it's Easter. I feel like there's loads of egg tourists on board. Everyone's having it. What about when my dad's chickens started eating their own eggs? I'll tell you that story. My dad always kept chickens when I was a kid. I must have been hard with the two dogs.

Well, they weren't allowed to him. The chickens were behind chicken wire. Okay. And whionette, as they call it. And occasionally, you'll get one rogue chicken or start eating their own eggs or all the other chicken's eggs, which is not. It's not acceptable.

No. So, um, the method was my dad would get an egg and an intact egg, and he'd blow it. You know how you'd blow an egg? You put a little hole in each side and then you blow the contents out. Oh yeah, we used to do that when we were kids. He'd then mix up, um, a sort of egg-sized, um, portion of, um, Coleman's mustard. Oh. He would not do this.

Honestly. And he, and he'd blow, and he'd put that into that. the egg. I can't remember quite how he put it in, but he used to put that into the egg. Then he used to put this egg in the, uh, back in the chicken thing. And after, as he was leaving, having done this, he would take all the chickens water away. And then he would, um, we'd just sit and wait. He was so precise with his punishment. Yeah. So, um, the, um, well, it's more of a rehabilitation. Because Tough on the cause is a crime

Suddenly you'd see one chicken I mean running round I mean it madly Up and down Just running around Desperally looking for the water bowl That wasn't there anymore Yeah

And that would go on They'd be running around for maybe 15 minutes Ironically with a sore mouth It'd be running around like a headless chicken It would Exactly that And it was quite ingenious of him To devise that though

Well I don't know if he devised it It might be something It might have been an old country. You might have heard it from a serial killer or something. Not just ingenious on torture, but when they ate the chicken, they didn't need to put mustard on it. Brilliant. Always saving the pennies, out.

You can be sure we liked it pretty soon after. If it was going to be a wronging. That's a... I'll tell you what I'm not parsed to the Cabri's cream egg. Oh, you're not a fan? Oh, what about the mini ones? Confectionary overkill. Really?

Don't you fine with it? You think, oh, I'll have a cabberries. Oh, I feel sick. I mean, literally about four seconds. Now, you've got a point out. I'll tell you what I don't like. It's the proximity of the tin foil. Oh, I can't even talk about it.

But it comes too close, doesn't it, to the mouth, the tin foil? Well, I fully unwrap it as well. So you've got some peach of the wild, brown hands? Yeah, more, I've used the wash that off with vomit by then. I'll tell you what I do. Put a little bit of mustard in Frank's egg. Just the teacher a little lesson. And also, shooly it should be a cream.

Egg. Cabrish creme. Well, it's C.R.E. You wouldn't sound like a complete idiot if you said that. Can I have Cabri's Creme Egg? No, but you say it in every other. You say Cremberle. Or, uh, was it Crembrose? Yeah. I love you speaking fresh. Can I have, uh, Capri's crem egg and some crem fresh? I think of them. I think of you're going that part. Should be an, uh... Just practicing it. Yeah. I said, no, I just think it's... Can I have a Cadbury's creme. That's what Frank's going to say when he goes to Trinuey. No, but they've used the French spelling, that's my point.

Leserf. Call it C-R-E-A-M if you want us to say cream egg, that's my point. Okay, I don't work for cabarees. I don't want to a Vanguard either. Krispy cream. I do, because they've you, I know they've added K's in a Kardashian style, but KREM-A, that should be Krispy Krem. No, no debate.

So I'm back in London today with the news from... Demonstrably? With news from north of the border. I've spent most of last week in Scotland. So we stayed in this hotel that had a swimming pool, right? And I'm not lying... Oh, you're pushing the boat out? Oh, wow.

Wow. Whoa. No, I'd... I'd... I'd just got a decent deal. Okay. But the gym... It's the winter months, guess what, Frank.

It's not heated. It's always winter in Scotland. There's no summer months there. The gym and hotel were obviously used by people of a certain age in the Glasgow community. Sometimes we were in the swimming pool and it looked like a cocoon. It really did. And a strange thing... They don't leave a ring around the sides of the swimming pool. A strange thing happened when we were getting changed.

Me and my little boy. A man came in. It was a walk-in swimming pool, the door on. This senior gentleman... He was like door with Brian and Appetor. Talk about a strange grooming habit. This senior man came in from the shower, he had his towel wrapped around it. I don't like the way this is going. Well, you might not. He walked up to the hair dryer, got the hair dryer, turned it on, and blow-dried his gentleman's excuse me. You are... I'm not lying, in full view of everybody in the... Just give it a full blow dry. And I looked at it and thought,

I bet that feels really nice. I bet it does, in fairness. As you mention it. Why haven't I thought of that? I thought. Can I give the... lone voice of reason, it doesn't look really nice. If I carried it... It's absolutely disgusting. I don't mean it looked like it felt nice. If I carried a hand-hair dryer, I could do it whilst time I share with. I don't want you to ever do it.

We were in a Glasgow changing room in front of the lockers with a pensioner using a blow dryer on his nether regions, shall we say. It makes complete sense if you think of that. Did he... Can I ask a question? It makes even more sense when you think he was... I can't remember focusing on it, but I think he had a bald head, so he was probably thinking, I should get my money's worth out of that hair dryer. Might be Richard Fairbross.

No, who's older? Can I ask a question? No one's older. Was his shirt sexy or less sexy than him? Who's less sexy? Oh, well, there you go, then it could have been him. Can I ask a question? Was he wearing trunks, or did he have, I'm imagining him with a towel held.

Yeah. Slight. Oh, it was a towel. It was towel and flesh. I don't know if we should go into more detail on this. No, okay. But it did make me think I'm having a go with that. I'm not sure I'm going to wait for as long as him,

but one day I'll be using a blow dryer on there. I did once, and I have to be careful, I'm afraid this, but let's say that a suddenly appearing damp patch on my trousers. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you've been really careful later. Yeah. I had to dry. Absolutely disgusting.

I dried it on the hand dryer in the gentleman's. Yeah. And I had to sort of slightly climb up the wall a bit to go. Into wincy spider. But you're glad you had your grippy shoes on, were it? I looked like ivy. I look like ivy climbing up the wall. And also...

There was a cartoon character called Bella the Gymnast. I think, I bet you were like that. Surprising how quickly it gets hot, though, so... Oh, yeah. Anyway, enough. I mean, I already moisturised my elbows and knees more frequently. I'm still laughing. I've mentioned...

hand cream on this show before. Someone sent me some hand cream once and I thought, don't send me hand cream, by the way. Stick your hand cream. Um, but I, um, I can't, I can't, I can't find a window for hand cream. Yeah, to put the hand cream on. Because I sit, I put hand cream on and then I'm handling things and they're all, even last, last thing at night, I find my hands at some time. Well, that's not a good time. They'll just slip out of bed. That is not a good time. When I wake up my arms out of bed, my hands are on the floor, they just slipped straight out of of bed. I just played havoc with your juggling, aren't it?

Yeah, I threw my juggling, I can't read. You can't use your iPhone or anything, or any other phones are available. You can't use any phone. Are they? Not really. They're available, but I would have them, but, you know, I wouldn't talk to anyone who would have one. Can I just say something? I'm actually a bit phobic about hand cream.

Specifically, watching girls apply it. There's something a bit pre-operative surgeon about it. I don't like it. Oh, I like that. Do they run it to the elbow? Yeah, they run it to the elbow. Oh, I like that. Well, they're talking to you.

Have you got those, um, yeah, have you got those minutes from the meeting? I can't bear it when girls put angry on. Well, girls seem to do it a lot. Yeah, they do. Twice a day you meant to do it. I can't, you can't get it on everything you own, like that. I'd rather just have the old Madonna hands. How often do you do it?

Well, I don't do it enough, hence the old Madonna hands. Okay. I might just get a couple of oven gloves. You know, joined. joined in the middle. I'm just trying to read this note. Can I just say Daisy went a bit coughing major? Yeah, I just couldn't quite read what she'd written.

It's my fault. So just can I establish it's my fault? My hair, speaking of grooming, is longer than it's been for some time. I quite like it. Yeah, well, see, I don't actually like the feel of it. I like that z-z-z on the side. but my girlfriend said to me Oh no, I like it long, leave it, so I've sort of left it

But suddenly there's a lot of decision making When it's a bit longer I've gone very much to my left with it You're polishing to your left now But it sort of made its own decision on that And I'm wondering if I should have been more forceful And I've also tried jelling it straight up in a don king Oh, but Jedward?

Yeah, did you? Have you had a quiet week? It actually looked all right. You don't often see on an old man. If you could imagine, if Fido-Dido, you know, where are they now Fido-Di-D-O, and he's like an old guy living in the contrary, but his hair still the same.

It's at that kind of... Can I give you a piece of advice? Please do. Which I'd love you to take. Okay. I like your hair long. I agree with Cass. And I think if you've still got hair, no offence,

which you have, make the most of it love. Yeah, if you've got it flown there. There are enough who don't have it. I was trying to... Keeping it short... I was trying to provide a ramp between having hair and not having hair, so people got used to the idea.

Whereas if it starts falling out and out, it's like if Brian Mays went, I mean, it'd be an absolute... In a way, a blessing, but visually a shocker. It might even wipe the smile off... His wife's face. It was a perpetual smile. I need a Dobs then?

Yeah, she's a great smile. One of those people whose teeth don't overlap when they smile, they sit on top of each other, like posh spices smile. I don't know if you remember that. Yes, I do. Yeah, it's got one of those, one of those grins where the teeth sit directly on top of each. It's a bit peasy tips, chimps, isn't it?

Yes. I had a moment of unrequested grooming. I kissed my wife goodbye when I was on my way out of the house recently, in the kitchen, and she licked her thumbs and flattened my eyebrows. I would do. I like that. You like that? I wish, I would... I don't think it was meant to be amorous.

I think it was more just tidying me up. The amount of men whose faces could be improved by some eyebrow. A little bit of pruning. I've got... Changes on the nostril hairs that were coming out the other day when I got in the car. All right, don't just give us a catalogue. I've got nostril hairs I could knot at the back of my head. I might do it at Christmas.

I'm going to do that and then do the Don King gel. It'll be a right life. I think that could be a dot-com millionaire if I invented face bunting. Whoever's phone just went off, could you please turn it off, thank you. Was it mine? After hair dryer gate. Not me. Did they get an email? Someone just got an email?

If anyone got an email, it was you. I'm on airplane mode, thanks. Can you all check? I'm on silent. Can you check? I think it was me. Okay. Sorry, Al.

We've had an email. Good morning. Frank, Emma. lovely Alan, thank you. And you're talking about personal grooming. I threaten to assist my husband with his facial grooming if he doesn't keep it under control. And more often than not, he lets me. What does that say about us? No way I would let anyone near me with tweezers. I also assist with body mole hairs. How much that must hurt. Strange man. Wow. Yeah, yeah, that was my feeling on that. Ouch. What, the most copily thing is that it's doing not the other person's blackheads.

Is it the most coppoli? Is it the most gross? I think it's coupling. Just pay you someone to do it. I prefer a glass of wine in a box set. Well, we're all different. It's right. It's the most coupley. I like the fact that...

I like that Frank think that sums off, life of a couple. Well, I think in an otherwise honest relationship, you'll get out and out bare-faced lies in... When you go, ah, ah, that really hurts. And they go, it's coming now. It's coming. They're just trying to keep you on the...

It's miles away. What about Dave? woke up the other morning with my fiancé over me, tweezers in hand, it's okay, yanking out an overgrown eyebrow. They've just tweeted that. How could she have hoped that he would have slept through that pain? I tried threading. I had to go to an eyebrow the other day with just my bare hands. I just got it in between my nails.

And I pulled it, pulled it, pulled it, and it slipped out the last minute and curled into a tiny, tiny. It looked ready for the Scotsman's hairdry. That's the kind of... That's the way it went. Anyway, maybe enough about groom. Yeah, it's not just for me. It's been on holiday, though. It's starting to make me feel a bit sick.

Hang on, I'm just blocking someone who's been rude about me. What about the corner? We've been down the corner today. He comes? You come's ready? Me a corner. Did not tell you, I've hired a town crier for him out of a corner. Lovely.

Is that Harry Seekam? I suppose in a way we all are. Yeah. We're going to kick off with Tom. Okay. Tom? Yeah. Hi Frank.

About six years ago when I worked in Hoban, I'd walked back. Hoban, I should say, is a sort of... What, you say, the financial area of London? Yeah. Sort of. A sort of business district. Borderline. Yeah.

I'd walk back through the back streets, repetition of back, but that's okay. It's not just a minute. Towards Charing Cross. While walking through Covent Garden, I had a phone call from a friend. While initiating the general small talk, I turned to see you carrying some sort of musical instrument. In a case granted, clearly you took care of it. At which point, I turned and said, all right, Frank. I sounded as a bit Adrian Shells.

All right, Frank. Or I might. My friend on the phone, on asking who the person was, I said hello to, heard my response. Oh, it was Frank Skinner. For some reason, I retorted, yeah, we're mates. Just for fun. That so wasn't just for fun. The conversation moved on and my window of admitting the humorous lie passed by.

Still, to this day when I bump into this person, they asked me how Frank is. I tell him, fine, just busy working as usual every time. This is lovely. I love Tom. That's brilliant lie. Lie big. The nice thing is, one thing I never had when I was a child, which I knew some children who did. Was toothpaste?

No. Well, okay. It included toothpaste, but I'm... Apart from that, I never had an imaginary friend. Oh, right. And now I am one. It's quite an elite group. Because often they don't exist.

They're not people who exist. Are you make your friend? So I'm quite pleased with this. And can I just say to Tom, that is a very accurate representation because, I mean, I've worked with you, what, three or four years now. And when people say to me, how's Frank doing? I say, fine, just busy working as usual. That's exactly what happens.

Tom, you basically are. To be honest, you've written to me, which I haven't heard from lots of my real friends for many years. Tom's basically a better friend than most of your actual friends. Yeah. I'd say, Tom, if you take my... I also get regular emails and that from some of my former colleagues at Barcelona. Oh, yeah. My playing days.

Oh, yeah. So it's the imaginary people. Yeah? Ultimately, you cling to in this crazy old life we're living. Like one might cling to a floating, um, seahorse type thing at the swimming bats. Look at the hair dryer out. Yeah. We've taken finding things quite frightening.