The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Childhood Fears

Episode Date: April 18, 2026

It's still 2013 for our radio best bits with Frank, Emily and Alun. This Frank has been on holiday and been a bit of a git, there's an email about unusual mugs and the team talk the Dr Who vacancy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Franks King is ready or days. It could go one of two ways. Brace yourselves, but my son is called, he's nearly, he's won this week actually, and he's called Boz B-U-O-Z. And here's his music. So we were in Cornwall and we went to a farm shop. And outside the farm shop there was chickens. So I took him over to have a look at the chickens. where the lady shopped. And he was interested, and there was a big cockerel.

Oh. And I thought, you know, obviously, I got a bit nostalgic for the show. So I took him over and we squatted down right next to the cochran. He was a fine creature. And I could see, Boz was fascinated by him. That strange head jolt that they do. I saw it this morning. Yeah.

And then, I suppose it shouldn't have been unexpectedly. He went, and Boz burst into tears. Oh, yeah. But he cried in a way, I've never heard him cry before. Because he says it,

he goes, oh, starts crying. Yeah, I've seen that one. But he started it a bit, it went like this. Oh! And it was not a million miles from Oliver Hardy

falling down a flight of stairs. It sounds a bit like your Gershwin-Yorn. I think he's been picking it up from you. The thing was, I took him away. I took him into the shop. And then inside the shop, we heard, and he still went, oh. And on the car, we were leaving.

in the car and I heard and he still went miles away. So he really, he didn't take to it oh no at all. Might be useful when he's older though. Just for discipline purposes. Yeah, just blame that. To Pavlovian response.

Or getting him up in the morning. Yeah. I could... It's nice that it turns out that he's got different crying for every scenario. Yeah. We're now going to have to see what he can possibly cry like for various scenarios. You need to knock it up. on the head there, you don't want him as an adult crying

every time he wakes up in the morning if he lives on a farm. Well, it might get him at an interview with Piers Morgan. So I just started thinking about, and I'd love to hear from our readers on this, what, the things that frightened us when we was kids, I don't mean like, you know, the dead. I mean, I think

we were all frightened. Yeah, we're all frightened of, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah. But things like, par example, I used to, if I got frightened, I used to go into my mum and dad's bed when I was a little kid, you know, going to their room. And they had this wardrobe.

And when my eyes grew accustomed to the lights, the grain of the wood on the wardrobe doors looked like horrible demons with long spindly arms and fingers. And it was, I was frightened to look out the blanket. I'm sure it wasn't a window out onto the street. It was our key, Seths, in a glass case. You'd be listening today, be absolutely furious. Hi, Arki.

Can I tell you a story about Acky? You always can. I spoke to Akeek this week, and he was saying that he'd been poorly, and he, I think he went to hospital, actually. And this has been, it didn't happen this week, so he's better now. But they said to him, he said to me, I don't think that's, I'm not interested in medicine and all that. He said, I think it's a load of rubbish. He said, I think you can drink your way out of most illnesses.

Which is an interesting theory. So he said, it's a waste of time. And he has always had that attitude. He has no interest in doctors, medicine. So, anyway, they took him in, they said, what's the name of your doctor? And he said, Dr, whatever it was, Dr. Matthew Jones.

Dr. Feel Good. So he said the name of the doctor, and they said, right, and they looked at the records, they said he died eight years. And they checked the records, and our Keith had not visited a GP for 17 years. I love it. Brilliant.

So, yeah, so that's what frightened me as a kid, not our Keith, our parents' wardrobe, and also girls' toilets. Well, I've already, I think I've mentioned this before to you, but Lou Reed scared me as a child. Specifically, the Transformer album cover,

because he looks a bit like Frank. I think he looks like a big cuddly panda on the cover of... No, he was... Louis was my bogey man. That's an interesting one. I'll tell you about the ladies' toilets in a minute. I'll talk about the things that frightened us as a child based on something that happened to my child recently.

I should point out, but before we go into our reader's thoughts, that I, the girls' toilet, on my first day at school, now my second day at school, some of the big girls, I would have been five and they would have been 10, 11, dragged me into the girls' toilets. Oh, God.

And then told me that the police would be coming to my house because I'd been in the girl's toilets. No. That's not why they were coming to your house. No. How Keith had been up to her good. No, it was interesting.

in that. I was really terrified. It seemed like a completely alien different world. And do you now do you have a fear of authority as well? Do you think there's some kind of weird police state if you go into the wrong place that they're after you? Is it left permanent damage? No, I think it probably taught me a valuable lesson early on.

What I pity some of our other, older male celebrities won't given similar advice. Anyway. I love that on the couch moment. Yeah, thank you very much. But it was actually terrifying, just the idea of being in the wrong place and not being able to. I remember I had a little coat with a dog bone, dog bone buttons, little tiny dog bones.

That sounds rather fetching. Yeah. My mum made it from dog bones. So what about you? Oh, cricket, even a low profile. Nothing frightened you ever. No, loads of stuff frightened me as a kid. In fact, my family, if I get together with, like, aunties and uncles and my mum in the room,

they all gather and laugh at the fact that I was so afraid of heights as a kid that I turned round and drooped backwards off a rug. Thick pile. On a thick pile rug down onto a normal floor level. You're kidding me. Apparently that's how scared as a kid I was. So they always talk about that. That is vertigo, going crazy.

Oh, yeah. And so you can imagine when we were on a day trip to Blackpool and I got put on a donkey, how, I mean... I thought you was on the side of the tower. No, no. The donkey. That's more my parents' style, Frank. The donkey was terrifying, because it was moving, and it was a heights.

Yeah. And it's an animal, again. You've got so many different, like, fear factors involved. How tall are you? I'm now six foot three-ish. So you've gone over it? Well, only as far as six-three. Do you still have the heights thing?

I wouldn't like, yeah, I don't like heights now. I was in a mosaicist's balcony once at Westminster Cathedral. and their tiny flimsy balcony. It's where the person who does the mosaic sort of stands for... And that's the only time I've ever felt that thing that people say when, like, their inner ear goes into turmoil. Anyway, it's not about us. It's about the readers.

I'm okay on rugs now. I just want you all to know that I'm fine going from rug to carpet now. I'd take that in my stride, I would say. Well, I mean, otherwise you could never have got on stage. I mean, you'd be terrified on a dais of any kind. What do they have to say? Well, we've had quite a few. 2,23, one of our readers.

Hi, Frank Emily, and Mr. Cockrell-Doodle-Doo. Up until my early teenage... At home, bars has just gone, ooh! Up until my early teenage years, I was terrified of vinyl records being played at a slower speed than they should. My older brother used to regularly take great delight and suddenly switching the speed

and making me burst into tears. That's from Sharon in Cumbria. That's a brilliant one. It used to be the thing, wouldn't that? Because it used to be a... On those old record players, it used to be a speed setting that was 16. Was there?

And what did that play? But we used to put the 45s at 16, and it had that kind of... Waw, kind of thing. So I couldn't see why that would be frightening. 281, as Sir, texted Beaker out of the Muppets, sure. still terrifies me today.

I don't remember which one was Beaker? Beaker, he's got sort of a downturned mouth and quite a big head, hasn't he? If it's the one I'm thinking of. That's Beaker, isn't it? Is he the Foreign Secretary? He says, Beaker out of the Muppet show still terrifies me today. I am 40.

Oh, wow. Saying I am 40 terrifies me. It's not a doubt if you ever said that. No. 479, I had an incredible whole cannul which my cousin was scared of. When she came to my house, I used to open it at the double-page spread of him transforming from a man to a Hulk, and she'd cry and run away every time. That's from Jane. I was a horrible child, she says.

We've gone a lot. They're more unusual than they thought. I thought people would be saying, I was frightened the dogs and stuff. I had a poster on my wall that at night, similar to the knot in the wood in your parents' room, the shadows of the poster would scare me. and looking back on it now, I think, why didn't we take it down off the wall? What was it on the poster? I can't even remember that. Wasn't the shadows?

No, that's weird. To actually put something up to fright yet. It's really odd, isn't it? I wonder if I'd never confess that I was scared of it. I think it's just because it was so high. Maybe. Maybe. So what about if this fell off at night and I stood on it?

I'd be raised up from the Lenoli. Okay, we're in an email corner. So shall I read an email? No, let's not bother. Should we just move on? Now we've breaking all our usual email. Let's go to me about a corner, and I'll play the flute for an hour. Hi, Frank Allen and Emily.

I'm a 20-year-old journalism student from Christchurch, and love listening to your show. I first tuned in a few months ago, and it's become a staple for the morning commute. I think a good idea for a texting is, by the way, I'd love it when people suggest ideas for the show. It saves us so much time. They know what we're like. I think a good idea for a texting is, what interesting cups do you? you have? How dare you?

Me and my flat pants. Now, here's where I think it becomes interesting. Can I say that is a good idea? It is. It's excellent. You see, this is what I mean. If we were giving out the email address, people would say, what about favourite colour?

That's a text. Yeah. Which isn't so good. Blue. Green. Mine's blue. Pink. Is it?

Interesting. Turns out it's more interesting than I thought it would be. How odd that there's no overlap there? It's all gone very snooker table. I love it. It's a house, yeah. Me and my flatmates live next to abandoned houses, where we have recovered numerous... What, on Waste land. Me and my flatmates live next to abandoned houses, where we have recovered numerous quirky cups,

some hand-painted, one shaped as Homer Simpson's head, and one with a UN logo on it. You-E-N. I'd like a UN, Mug. Keep well. I do. Benjamin Ryan, I love Keep well. Yeah. Yeah, that's nice. But also that...

I'm not sure how happy I would be about recovered cups from abandoned houses. They're glazed. But are they washed? Oh, they're glazed. Yeah, but as long as they're non-porous, it's... You're sure? You'd be fine with that. I mean, I wouldn't eat, you know, say, a terracotta crop pot. I wouldn't use one of those after I found...

But glazed, it'd be fine. Okay. I've got some good mugs. But that is a good... See, that's why... I mean, that's someone who gets the show. Um, so, well, I've got a Ricky Martin. You have, yeah.

So, it's a nice one as well. You're, you're very promotional mug, Frank. Pardon? You're very promotional mug? Yeah, I've got a lot, actually. You might be implying that you're stingy there. No. That's usually the sort of attack I get.

No, I paid for this. I bought it. You bought the Ricky Martin. Yeah, I, um, I... I flew to Barcelona in the 90s to see Ricky Martin live. and I bought a mug. No, I don't want to talk about it. I was going to say it. You and John Barrowman.

It's a lovely trip. I thought, yeah. Frankie and Johnny. I love to see that film. I've got, on my last tour, they taught me into the first time ever to promotional material, which I've always been very anti on tours. I've always seen such a massive rip-off.

But such was the profit mind. I said yes. I don't feel good about that, but I'm owning up. I thought it was a lot of tat. Nevertheless, there was mugs, and they said, what should we put on, the mug? And I said, why don't you put one of my jokes? And I suggested a joke, which I will not repeat on air. Oh, God.

Filthy. Yeah, it's a joke I now feel embarrassed at the thought of, and it turns out I've got 50 mugs with it on. And do you know, honestly, I cannot drink out of one of those. Can you? No. Why are they? I'll have one of those.

You're welcome. I'll bring you one each in. Along with the Frank Skinner umbrella? The Frank Skinner umbrella is, yeah. You've not got a Frank Skinner umbrella. Yeah, I went out when it was right and didn't realize. Have you got more than one? I'd have one of them as well.

Well, you'll have one of anything. Actually, I was just thinking, shall we have next week as merchandise week? Yeah, exactly. I've got an absolute radio mug. Have you got one of those? Oh, yeah. I've got a couple of those. I've also got a black play.

boy, it's more of a tankard. A matte black, tankard affair. That's for my special gentleman friends. I've got a last of the summer wine mug. Have you? Hello? No, we heard you. I just found that extraordinary.

My girlfriend always says that is that their favourite mug of our collection. I had a bit of a tragedy of the week. Has it got on it then? All of them. Every one of them in a tiny cartoon form. Not that well drawn. And it's a slightly smaller mug than normal, like, you know, it's for the elderly.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I had a lovely mug, which my mother-in-law broke a couple of weeks ago. It was the John Wayne Airport. Oh, black with the duke in gold. Oh, I don't like it by black mug. No? No. I like that.

And you're not... You know, when you take one out to the dishwash, then it's got the brown ring on the bottom of it, you're thinking, oh, no, I've got to go scour it, 4-8. With a black one, you don't know. And what you don't know, won't hurt you. I've got a good Laurel and Hardy one that I'm very fond. That's one of my favourite This is a great idea

I think it is I've also got three of those massive Sport Directs mugs that you buy that you get when you buy something on Oh my God they're enormous They're too big if anything I've got a Tony Blair mug

When you put hot water in it I want to come by a harvester His nose grows To suggest to me You know that bluer thing You've got a satire mug Yeah I've got two satire mugs I've got news for you

Nick Clegg and it says the Downing Street Mug. It's got a picture of Nick Clegg. Oh, wow. Enough Mog talk. Okay. It was a good... I think it's a good...

I've got one for having run a 10-K that I sometimes give to... Enough. Mug-talk, boys. I do you what started happening in our house on the domestic front? Yeah. I noticed my girlfriend has become

rather gong-ho about the cotlery sections in the drawer. What do you mean? Oh, she's mixing and matching? Spoons in with forks, forks and with knives. It's... The other day...

I went through and put them all back in their right. Has it been a quiet week? The show started in quite a depressing way for me. When the cockerel, who it's a delight to have back, I may say, said, where's that toilet roll we normally keep in the studio? Well, I've got one of my heavy colds. When you say one of your heavy colds,

that's the very show, busy euphemism. No, no, you know, I was mocked for saying I had a heavy cold on this show once. Mocked. Mocked, honestly. It's like the temptation of Christ. The caustic humour that I heard that day At the expense of saying I had a heavy cold I denied him three times when he cried

It wasn't the temptation of Christ What was it? Temptation of Christ It's a different thing What's the film called Mel? Oh the last Something of Christ I think it's the last temptation of Christ No the last temptation is

Isn't that Franco Zeparelli Oh is it What's the big one When he gets beaten heavily Oh I can't remember Mad Max Oh, you all let us know, weren't they? Yeah, but it's bad that we don't know that. Come on, Dane's, what is it?

Lethal weapon. No. It's the ultimate lethal weapon, if you really think about it. It's the murder of Christ. Okay, well, we'll remember what it is. Come on, Frank. This is a terrible start. It's the worst start to the show. It's been, what's happened to me?

I blame my heavy holes. Sony judges were right as it turns out. Oh, no. We've missed you, though, Frank. Well, I haven't missed the show. I've just been away for a week. I'd miss you, though. I knew you were out of the country, and I don't like it when you're out of the country. I was on France. That's all right.

Did you go on Francaix? I did. I was on what I think you would call a group holiday. Groupon? You get it cheap. You've got a group on holiday. I don't know what that means, so I'm laughing. So it's to appear like I've got my finger on the point. I'm getting on Groupon. Feet on the ground.

Um, yeah, I, um, I went away, I left, we flew on Monday afternoon and we flew back on Friday afternoon. That's enough, isn't it, for our, for holiday? Yeah, well, it depends on how good it is. Well, Monday to Friday. Well, Monday to, right. Holidays are too, generally too long, I think. You're a worker, aren't you? Exactly. Passion of Christ, we've had a couple of texts.

Passion. I'm just going to say that to knit the others in the bud. I don't want people texting after they've been like. If only someone had nipped that in the bar. Yeah. What different things might have been for you, I know, it went on and on and on. Thank you for that.

Is there any names or numbers? Oh, they're going to come in for ages now. Joe, Ian, in Teddington. Okay, thanks, Ian. That's brilliant. So I went away with a group of people. I knew one, it was like all couples and kids. You know, I'm at that stage now.

I have a child of my own that you have to go away with couples and kids. Oh, yeah. So it was my first one of those. Yeah, it's my first one of those. I can go away with footballers and lap dancers. Yeah. That's the way I roll.

That's the plus you have. So I went away with, I knew one of the couples, but the other couples I didn't know. Oh, newbies. And they didn't know me. So they weren't. They must have been aware of your work, though. I know that I think they were slightly aware. They didn't know your stories, darling.

They didn't know my little ways. I know. I know your ways, darling. That was the problem. and I look back now I feel a bit bad about the whole experience They were good people Am I going to have to leave the studio?

No, they were good people though They were all I think all of them If not most of them Were card carrying members of the Labour Party You'd all done good stuff You know, I've worked with the homeless And stuff like that

And I don't, I don't You don't I don't work with the homeless Yes, I'm away with the homeless Yes, I'm away with these people who I didn't know very well. On your group on holiday and it got off your iPhone. He doesn't know what that is, stop using it. Yeah, just stop picking on.

Bargain. I'm not going to... Can we establish? Are you in a villa at this point? Can we have the cudo setting, please? We're in a French villa, not far from Bergerac. Oh, lovely. Obviously, he moves about.

Yeah. When I got there, I saw him in a car outside. I think he was, I think he was casing. But so I don't know, I'm getting a bit like, if it was in Revolutionary Road, that film with the fabulous Kate Winsley and the wonderful Leonardo DiCaprio. And there's a man in that who's, he's come out of an asylum. And he can't really mix with people.

He says terrible things and upsets people. They can't have anyone around the house. I'm like him. Oh, that's what I've become like. Funnily enough, I'm getting more like Kate Winslet, but... Well, I've got that floppy face. Without makeup, I look a little bit like Leonardo DiCaprio. Is that right?

I've often thought there. Yeah. I've often... Anyway, so on the first night I got there, and we got there quite late. We sat down for dinner. I've been there about an hour. And somebody said, oh, well, I've got to do this thing with Princess Anne,

because they often, a lot of them work with, like, sort of charity work and stuff. And he said, I'm going to do a thing with Princess Anne. And one of the guys said, which one is that? Which one is Princess Anne? Which is, you know, I said, what? You don't know who Princess Anne is? Hold on. I said, do you not know who she is?

Or are you pretending? You don't know if she is to be cool. So, can I just establish this is the first night? I'd been there an hour and ten minutes. And I thought it was perfectly, and I felt it hadn't gone as, I felt there was a bit of attention in the year. And then the next day there was another thing And Kath actually said to me

Were you just calm down Or when was on her own? He just calmed down She said I think you're on the defensive Because all the men are younger and fitter than you Oh Well that hurt

Is that what it was though Or did you not notice That's what it was at that point? I'm honestly She'd noticed at that point That's the problem They were all really good people And not you know

There was nothing about me being there They weren't impressed by celebrity. Obviously, that upset me. That's where they went wrong. Yeah, that was the biggest thing, yeah. And then we were talking about canvassing, you know, knocking on people's doors, wearing a rosette and stuff like that,

which I've said, I could never do that. So I think that's the worst. I can't imagine anything worse than knocking on someone's door in a rosette. And they were all saying, no, no, no, no, no. And one of them said, you know, it's actually really interesting. I said, but not for someone of my intellect. And again, it was meant as a sort of...

Please tell me you didn't say that. It was meant as a joke, though. Please. No, it was meant as a joke, I think. Really? Yeah. And... You only think so, that's...

No, I'm almost certain I meant it as a joke. And then... And what's wrong with him? And then this... The last one really was an accident. Oh, well, something was worse. And what you've just said? On the last day, someone was on the fact that the kitchen was a bit, you know, a bit dirty.

And I said, this is nothing compared to my kitchen. I said, my kitchen, honestly, this is like an operating theatre compared to my kitchen's terrible. And then I said, I honestly, I said, I'm amazed people. I must spend more time with ordinary people. But what I meant was people who have the normal standards of high hygiene, and what a house should look like and stuff like. I didn't mean ordinary people. No.

No, it sounded that way, though, didn't it? But I tell you, I'm starting to think I can't mix with people anymore. I just say they're on... It's like I'd imagine if you're on an holiday with Michael Parkinson, which we'd say... You know, when people get to a certain age, they just say stuff. I've become that person. Has that been on holiday with Alan Clark?

You know, the sort of old elderly relative, you're more forgiving of, you know, on the racist front. I'm becoming, not that I'm racist, but I'm becoming that person who says stuff, ever go, and when I left, I've never had a less, they threw a party to celebrate. We went around handshaking and hogging off, and it's the least emotional farewell I've ever been. I really felt like, I...

To be fair, you don't they know them since Monday, though, haven't you? Oh, no, but it was, it was long enough. And I cannot emphasise that everybody was very nice to me, and... Oh. Frank, King is ready your days. The other problem is that me and Kath can't cook.

So we're always taking it in turn. You couldn't do your bit. Doing the most amazing meals. Not only can we not cook, but we can't wash up. What? Or like the table. What? Or tidy generally.

We just can't. We can't. I don't know what it is. Oh, at this point, calling them ordinary people really does seem a bit rude. I know. I mean, if they've been cooking and setting the table, I'm seeing you two like, you were a bit like

Maggie Smith in Downton Abbey. That's how they viewed you, I think. We did try, but we did try. But it's just that you could, if we'd have cooked, it would have really spilt everyone's night. Uh-huh. So it would just, it couldn't. So did you just sit there like a laird waiting for the food to be produced?

Did you want to take away on your night? That's what I would have. I always been very lairdish. No, I tried. I honestly, I wasn't there and I was, you know, stroppy and difficult. I went there and I thought, oh, they are going to love me so much because I'm such great company.

Didn't quite work out. Well, actually, we've had a text that, I mean, I wouldn't normally read this to you, but it seems like it's on topic. Okay. It's, I think it's someone trying to... Is it really abusive? No, it's someone trying to affirm

that you didn't behave that badly on your holiday. Okay. I wouldn't worry about it, Frank. You've always had a bit of the git about you, so it's not an age or environment issue. Is that from Cass? No, it says from Jace, but yeah, I mean, there might be some hope in that text. That's it, yeah. That's it, James.

Rather than it being a decline, just think of it as a continuation. You're right, I have always had a bit of a git about me. That's, of course, that's so true. I'm really glad you've taken that as well as you did. It was a gamble reading it to you, on it? No, that is so, that's like a revelation to me. To be clear. Always I've had that.

But frankly, may I just say, also, I think that's fair enough what you say about the helping out in the kitchen and the tidying. Because I once said, I was at dinner party once and the couple said, the woman said, should we go and help X in the kitchen? You know, because the ladies are meant to do that, aren't they?

And the men were in there talking, watching the football. And I said, I'm really sorry, I don't do that. She looked so stunned. And I said, I think my talents are better used out here. Well, they are. Well, they are. But that, I mean, that's, But that's because you were also sort of making a feminist.

Oh, yeah. I slice, you know, I slice some tomatoes and things. Don't get me wrong. And then I suggested that I did, you know, the jagged edge tomato slicing you can do. Yeah. Yeah. But I was very keen on that. But they said it'd take too long, but...

Right. Can I just ask... See, what they did, that was my moment when I was trying to be enthusiastic, and I was shot down. On your night to cook, did you know, at no point suggest, will get takeaway because that's what I would have done. What are you going to get in France? Saucisson our ass. He'd have had his euros, said it?

You'd have had his euros with him, would you? Not a good night. Anyway, Boz had a lovely time. Oh, did he? Yeah, I was with, obviously I was with my son, Boss, because, yeah, I was with him. And he really liked him. Well, he's used to you, in he? You know, there was grass and stuff like that.

and animals for him to look at. All right, nice. He doesn't get that in Birmingham, in London, or Birmingham, or in our 11th floor flat. And there was a bit where he went to sleep in his little boggy on the grass, and I lay next to him on the grass, and I went to sleep as well. It's beautiful, just like my old days on the central recipe, when I had a terrible drink problem.

Beautiful. We were discussing the doctor and the vacancy. We had an email in. Frank as the next Doctor Who is the title of the email. Dear Frank Emily and the Cockerel, knowing Frank's love of Doctor Who and the upcoming vacancy for the role, I thought I would contact a well-known high street bookmakers to see what odds they were offering for our borderline national treasure to be the 12th doctor. I was expecting something like 5,000 to 1. Can I say people do actually listen to this show.

Yeah, otherwise they wouldn't have known, though. The same bits of it back to us, which is a good sign, isn't it? I was expecting something like 5,000 to 1, but was shocked and amazed. But was shocked and amazed to see that the Buckees were quoting a lowly 66 to 1. God, I'm in the fray. Should I save my money, or is it worth a punt? Well, that's interesting because I've seen that Stephen Frye is also on at 66 to 1. See, I...

Yeah. I thought you'd like that, Frank. Yeah. I don't know. I mean... I don't want to stop watching it after all these. That's his age, though, to be fair. You, I'm not sure if they would be right to cast you,

because surely you wouldn't be able to get the work, don't, because you'd be walking about, going, oh my God, it's a darling! I'm such a big fan of those! Yeah, it would be a bit difficult. Really what they want to do is... There was someone... Sorry.

They should cast somebody that isn't that overwhelmed by... Like the four? Yeah. Marky Smith says he never gets anyone in who says I'm a four fan. Right. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So they could have me.

Like I've seen it and I think it's all right. Oh, here we go. I wouldn't be going, oh, he's touting for business. There's a darling. Can I have your autograph? I've seen it. I think it's all right. Doctor who.

I've seen it, I think it's all right. It is all right, isn't it? That's the worst of you. Someone could never give me. It's all right, isn't it? I've seen it. I think it's all right. Well, there's various theories.

One is that they're going to. for an older man to play the part. That made me think I'm in with a show, because let's face it. Nothing wrong with going for an older man. Well, it's a risk, though, isn't it, in showbiz at the moment? They are subject to sudden unavailability. What about that? The older celebrities.

I heard old Grinty was in. Rupert Grint. I saw, I saw Rupert Grinch as Doctor Who? How could that possibly be? He's like, how old is Rupert Grint? Rintty. He's about 13? No.

It must be nearly 19. Well, probably, he's 40. I think he'd be 19 summers long. That's how I talk about age. What about the woman theory? Well, this is, of course, a stir in there. Helen Mirren said she doesn't want to be the assistant.

She wants to be the proper doctor. Oh, yeah. I think it's a good move for feminism. If you had Ellen Mirren, you'd have to have her as the doctor. You couldn't have her. Yeah, as a... Miranda's in the odds. She's on the list.

And as you know, I missed out on a roll in Miranda, so maybe I could be in... No, we didn't, because you never talk about it. If she played the doctor, I could play the assistant. Like, she could have... Because she's quite funny and upbeat and bubbly, and I could be like the Dower assistant. They could flip the whole thing, couldn't they?

That could work. It would be like... She would be like Lewis, and you'd be like... Frank, you've fallen for it. He's written himself a little part again. You played into his clutches. Oh, I'm such a fault. I thought Susan Boyle could carry it off.

I think she'd play a bit quirky. She'd probably... A bit quirky. I think that might be the understatement of the year, to be honest. Is this other man they're saying is a favourite for Doctor Who called Ben Daniels? Who's Ben Daniels? Is he Helen Daniels son in Neighbours? I've never heard of him. Ben Daniels. His name? His name? He's made up? I don't even think he's a real man.

He said that thin bloke from Part Life. No, I don't know Ben Daniel. I don't know any actors. He was in cutting it. I don't know any actors and I've gone off singing. What's happened to my life? They're in the wrong game, love. People on the telly singing. Singing, surely, is an audio thing. You don't want to see people singing.

You want that on the radio, dear. That white stuff in the corner of their mouths. You don't want to sing it, it's an audio. On the radio, it sounds lovely. On the telly, oh, look at that breathing thing. Look at the Adam's Apple going. I'll tell you what, the bigger on the inside thing. They could really make a feature of that with,

them. Who's the guy that hosts Grand Designs? Don't ever ask me a question like that again. I've never been so insulted. Who's the executive producer of Top Gear? I have never been so insulted in my life. He could be the next doctor. Sure up about it, Grand Design. Oh, honestly, I feel like I've closed up from the waist down. Does your manager know? He's got 66 to 1 odds to be the new doctor here. Before, well, my manager,

a phone who's just entered the room, actually. I don't know if you can hear the footmen talking amongst themselves. But I got a message from John this week to say. My manager leaves the shortest voice messages. Oh, go on, do how they are. It's sort of O'Fringo's call. And so I've... He sounds like Elvis.

Yeah, and I call. And I thought this is it. It's the darkest. with the doctor conversation. It's going to be Stephen Moffitts been on the phone and wanted to get to Cardiff for an audition. And I was completely fantasised. But I have for a while fantasised about my audition

before Matt Smith went what it would go like because they do a bit of improvising and stuff. Oh no. Can I say I find it upsetting that your dream audition, your dream phone call is they want you to go to Cardiff to audition. Think big. Yes. I don't even think of me in the show.

I think how good I'm going to be in the audition. One thing at a time. That's it with my daydreaming. You know, it's reasonable. Anyway. We've had some suggestions for the new doctor. Oh, yes. It's not funny, but I really think Hugh Lorry would be perfect for the doctor.

ULorry has been suggested, actually. Is that because he's a doctor in that other programme? Is it a doctor thing? Maybe. Oh, he's a doctor in house. Doctor in the house. Because I was thinking Dr. Raj Persot, he could bring some medical knowledge to it.

You can't just get random doctors up for the gig. Why not? Because he can't act. 153. High five. What about the Fons as the dog? Unusual choice. Too cool.

Is that 80? I can't see it. If they are going to go older, what about Tom Baker again? Jump in the Dalek, episode 17. Tom Baker again, that would be... Of course, John Hurts is around. Yeah. He was in the last one, so...

Hasn't he hinted that he isn't? He only played part of the doctor or something. Yeah, but we all know what John Hurts' hints are like. Do we? I don't. I bet he's a big... Hinter. Is that a bit of gossip? Yeah. He's known for his hinting in the business.

That's how he gets most of his work. Jason Statham's at 100 to 1. Oh, terrible. Hasn't he had a lot of fun in his life? Bit too action hero. Anyway, we'll see what happens. Will I am? Will I am? Curveball.

He's already got the outfits. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's not a bad shirt, Will I am, actually. Can he act? Does it matter? Yes. So dismissive. It's cold, Franks, radio days, I don't know days as a stupor.

And me days, as in a seven for the weeks old, this is a take not a blooper.