The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Competition

Episode Date: July 9, 2025

On this episode of Frank Skinner’s Radio Days hear the team’s only ever competition. There’s also an incident at Deal or No Deal, practical jokes and the show is live from Birmingham. Frank is joined as ever by Emily Dean and our dear, missed friend, Gareth Richards. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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We can now confirm the stolen favorites have resurfaced at McDonald's Canada. The international menu heist. Try them all while you can. For a limited time in participating McDonald's and Canada. We've taken over radio shows and done a bit of editing and tidying. It's a lockdown memory, and I know, because people find new things quite frightening. Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days. This week the clips include our only ever

Competition, I can't remember what it was, but that's exciting. I Bet it was badly handled, but you'll soon find out Arlene Phillips sacked from strictly It felt like big news at the time. She's bounced back as well an incident a deal or no deal I think that was one of Emily's but we'll see. And finally we were live from Birmingham which I sort of forgot that we travelled about. That might have been when I got my star on the Birmingham Hall of Fame. Yes. So enjoy and good luck. France Goes Radio Base, France Goes Radio Base

We've got a big competition for you today, like they do on proper radio programmes. You can win four tickets to the Wembley Cup. So, here's the thing, you... Oh, I don't want to do this anymore. It's on Friday the 24th and Sunday the 26th of July at Wembley. You'll get four tickets, alright, and as I say, you'll stick in a hotel and it'll be lovely. You have to make your own way to London. I'm making that click so everyone people are following the show saying,

you know, I'm in Northampton, where's my car? Right? And if you want to find out about it, you can look at www.thewemleecop.com if that's the kind of spare time you got in your life do that i think that's a really nice prize it's a very nice prize i'm not i'm not questioning the price so here's the conditions right we have to do this now before otherwise i'll end up in prison um text making it sounds so scary they're very touchy about it now oh Oh god, I'm worried about doing a competition generally. Text your name, followed by your answer to an usual number, 81215.

Have you got that? Have you got your pencils? I SAID get your pencils before! If you're in a car, best not use your pencil. And then the lines are open now and the lines are the lines open after the question first yeah lines are open now and you've got no no I've told you they're not open get your pencils ready part the car and the, text your name followed by your... I've got to read these out. The question is, as I said, this tournament includes Tottenham Hotspur and Barcelona FC. I want you to tell me which novelist managed both Tottenham Hotspur and Barcelona. I'm going to

give you that question again in a sort of DJ voice. Which novelist managed both Tottenham Hotspur and Barcelona. I'm gonna give you that question again in a sort of DJ voice. Which novelist managed both Tottenham Hotspur and Barcelona? Just in case. Is it Ian McEwan? No, it's not Ian McEwan. Don't you guess. Okay.

Because I'm damned if I'm gonna put you in a hotel for two nights. Charles Dickens. Charles Dickens, I wouldn't mind putting a hotel. Or maybe a hotel ashtray. Okay so that's it so if you know the answer to that question text to 81215 in the most legally okay way you can that won't get me into trouble and you can get four tickets. Do they get four tickets for each day or four tickets over the two days? Four tickets for

each day that was Emma. In case you thought, is that him doing another voice like some sort of weirdo? Has he got a glove pop it there? That was not me. That was Emma, our producer, who basically runs the whole show. Can I just say that? And we love her as well, don't we?

Yes, we love you Emma. You do. Can I say we have been, inundated is the only word, we've never, I'll be straight, I thought about eight people listening to this show and it's incredible, we've had millions of entries. One piece of information I forgot to mention is each text costs £4.50. That's not true. It's not true. It's not true. It's the normal text rate isn't it? Is that what it is? I think so yes. Don't sound all professional like you do. I've had to write all the names down of all the people who have texted in and too

many people have texted in frankly. Okay well the lines are are no clothes can we say that lines and it what did I say no clothes yeah the lines the lines back up the lines have no clothes it sounds like a sort of weird washing line commentary and yes I don't don't send anymore but we've got lots of correct things and we're gonna get the winner on the phone on the show yeah and they'll be and live live live but for all you people have sent in i just thank thanks so much to listen to the show because we've never seen any figures any listening figure i honestly thought it was like two people in a car going from don fermalin to glasgow and i thought that in that car was your girlfriend and my mom yeah exactly uh exactly. So that's brilliant. It's brilliant news. Your byproduct of the competition is we've found that people actually listen, unless

they're just tuning for competitions and are psychic. Yeah, and have been sorely disappointed so far. So we're not going to do the thingy, are we? The competition. The competition. Because we can't get the blood. The blood's not answering his phone. Can you believe it's not answering his phone? The first he's not answering his phone? the first person has not answered his phone so it just underlines how important it is to answer your phone if you go into a competition do answer your phone, don't turn your phone off also why don't we have postcards at Absolute Radio with pictures of us three on the way they do, when you look into a radio station you can get these lovely

colour postcards with people like Alan Freeman, well not Alan Freeman, he's no longer with us, but you know a DJ in headphones and maybe a t-shirt with the station. I always really like them, if I go to a station to do an interview I'll pick up a couple of those. And you have a little album at home where you put all of those No, I have I have a little bin at home Where I put them sometimes they go why can't we get some take? And we can get all hair and makeup done and look really nice well Let's not go over the top. I'm not I'm not paying for them Can I make that clear I just thought to be honest when you come into the reception absolute there aren't any of those

We'll go down a photo booth. we'll go to Woollies. Oh no Woollies is shut, where do you go if you want photos done now? Photographer. Yeah, that's a good idea. So we have got the winner on the line now, we've got Michael on the line. Can you believe that? Are you there Michael? Hello Frank. Hello mate, congratulations.

Thanks a lot, I'm well chopped, I'm a Spurs fan. Oh well that's absolutely perfect. So at least you'll get to see him probably on the first day. So you've got tickets for all two days, but you've got four tickets for each day. Have you got three mates? I've got three mates who usually come to see them to get told there's spurs with me so yeah. Michael it couldn't have worked out any better had the whole thing been fixed. And you're our first ever competition winner. To be honest the chaos it's caused today you probably are last. Well done. It was like the £4.50 excellent. Exactly, it was lovely spitting to you Michael, take care.

Alright, you too, thank you. I think we can say now, can't we, I know the dust has settled, is the competition complete? It was more than we could have, we thought we'd have six people, four would get it wrong. What, are you suggesting we're not up to monitoring a competition? Well I just, I didn't think there'd be that many entries. Well I had to write down the numbers If you thought the show was See, no one can believe the presenters actually have to do stuff like that These two, there was bits of paper

I can't believe that I had to do it I didn't get into this to be doing writing I feel like I've been in a terrible storm I would never, can I just say now, we'll never have another competition Michael is our only competition, we can refer to him. And he's texted in asking how he claims his prize. He has no idea. Oh god, I forgot that, did I? Was I supposed to tell you that? I don't think we're supposed to do it.

Why do people do competitions? I don't know, but it's made me feel stiff with stress and I never want to do it again. I made you feel stiff with stress, I hate it when that happens. Yes, oh god, I think you'll find that's your arteries dear. Some of you may have read in the newspapers that there was a bit of an incident at Deal or No Deal. And it just so happens that we have our Deal or No Deal correspondent with us. Because Gareth does the warm up for Deal or No Deal correspondent with us. Yeah. Because Gareth does the warm up for Deal or No Deal.

So you were there when you were... Yes, I was there. So what happened exactly? Live, live, live. Well, what, he, the guy got to his last, the last couple of questions, the last decisions, Simon. And he got his wife down, now they get their other half down to sit on the stool behind the chair to help

them with it. Yeah, to help them just guess at random what's in the box. And it was all very stressful and his wife Angela hunched over and like on, you know, as it was all happening, hunched over and you know Noel noticed something was wrong, everything had to be stopped. Well just because she hunched over. Well she hunched over and was kind of shaking. I think she fainted. She sort of fainted and had some sort of episode.

She had an episode? She had an episode. Oh god, what off? Not hold me seated. Another programme, that's why we had to stop the show. Oh ok, yeah. Now that's suddenly showing in the middle of Deal or No Deal. Can I just ask how much money was at stake? It was quite a lot of money. It was a five-figure sum. Five-figure sum? I've never read that in the papers.

This is from the paper. I can't remember what amount of money it was. I was going to say no one would remember. I think it was a five-figure sum. Was it a cool million? But it was quite a worrying moment. They had to bring a wheelchair on and just take her off because it seemed like she'd just collapsed. A wheelchair? To be honest, the haunch was the warning. Yes. She didn't just go up and look at it. She folded and then... Was she alright now? Well, it seems she was absolutely fine. That's me. I thank God a bit. I mean, if she'd died, at least there's plenty of boxes about. No.

There are quite little boxes, so you'd have to... Well, yeah. If you were going to put a corpse in those boxes, you'd have to cut it up to quite a few different pieces. It's sort of a reverse of the old sort of normal. Can you stop it? It's horrible for them. Yes, you're right.

That'd be terrible. I dream of the day... Next week, corpse or no. I dream of the day when I'm you stop it? This is horrible. Yes, you're right. That'd be terrible. I dream of the day. Next week, corpse or no. No dear. I dream of the day when. Corpse or money with no weapons. Noel opens a box and pulls her head out. No, um, it was a terrible moment and basically what happens, they wheeled her off, everything stopped, Gareth, can you feel? I had to come on and follow her collapsing, which is not an easy thing to follow. Well, the trouble is, I mean, we can laugh about it now, because we know she's alright, but for all you know it should have been. She was fine, but yeah, there's not a lot as funny as that.

Could you make any jokes, tasteless jokes about her? Well I've started off making, no you can't make- Don't tell us what they were. No, I didn't make tasteless jokes, and you can't make, no, it's quite a fragile audience deal or no deal, so you have to take care of them. What do you mean they're fragile? No I mean. He's got the giggles now. There's a big brittle brown crowd coming. That's a, oh well.

I bet you handled it very professionally. It was a nightmare. I started off doing jokes but then I realised how inappropriate all my jokes are and by the end we were playing I Spy and Sherrards. Do you know that sounds like the story of my career? I have to say, Gareth, I don't really feel that was the inside story on what happened on Deal or No Deal. It was basically what was in the papers, a woman fainted. What happened after?

Me, me, well she was fine, but just me floundering was what happened behind the scenes. How did the husband get on? Did he carry on and plan to complete the game? Yeah, it was amazing actually because he was down to the last couple of boxes and he had the choice whether to swap or not and then, like, he was opening the last box. Right, so essentially it was an episode of Deal or No Deal. It was an episode of Deal or No Deal. That was the amount of drive, it was amazing. And what did he win? And he won, he won 35 grand.

Oh god it's worth having the wife paint for that isn't it? Imagine he would have sold it for that. Yeah, actually Noel could get in one of those boxes, he's quite a short man. They should start the show like that, he should come out on a spring. He is an amazing man. With glow make-up. He's an amazing man. You're going to say he's an amazing man because you're the warm-up man.

You want to keep that job, am I right? No. Yeah. I'm, I'm sincerely in awe of you. He's cosmic, he's cosmic ordered you to say that. Yeah. Do you have to warm Noel up as well? Are you like the teasers in the, in the horse stud?

They don't let me near him. Okay. That's just as well. I've taken all my radio shows and done a bit of editing and typing. It feels like a back-up step. I know that people find new things quite frightening. A brand new way to file your own T2 return, all while getting help from an expert who actually knows small businesses. Got a tattoo studio, toy store, tiny but mighty taco stand?

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FIFA. What was we talking about now? Was it Arlene Phillips? Yes. We were just talking. I think I've surprised my colleagues this morning by being so angry about the fact that Arlene Phillips has been sacked from Strictly Come Dancing to the point where I'm thinking I'll never watch it again. Really? Yeah.

Why are you really angry about it? Well because it's not for the real... obviously there's a lot of sort of women of a certain age come out of the woodwork and said... How dare you! I think that's where they live, isn't it, in the woodwork. It's the sap they're after because they're very dry. So they've all been saying that they shouldn't have sacked her and got, they've replaced her with Alicia Dixon. Yes, that's right. Who won it the year before.

Yes. Who of course is the electricity store, hair-ess. No she's not. No she isn't. But Arlene, I think she's a big import, I quite like her normalness on the show, because everyone else is, you know, a bit odd on the show. She's not normal she's very theatrical she's normal if you come from my family. She could easily be one of your relatives are we? Maybe that's why I like her. But I you know I mean they're saying it's because she's what is she 60 or something I mean Bruce is I think Bruce is nearly now nearly a thousand and no one's talked about replacing him though I

imagine that Graham Norton sits by the phone waiting for that call but um I always liked it how she was never very good at the um she'd try and do like linked feedback like it would all be ours or something she'd try and do it all beginning with R and say you were ravishing riveting and relatively good considering how much rehearsal you've done. Well if she did that I like it. That was cleverly invented. Arlene Phillips, she's like a proper, you know, she used to be the top of the pop style person. Yeah. I think we should get her on here too. She hasn't really protested has she? Well no, but she's been, she's been face-to-graphed photographed looking ashen-faced. Yeah well I think she does that a lot.

And Darcy Bussell is doing it as well isn't she? Yes I don't know, I can't see that. I mean the thing is with Strictly Come Dancing I like everything about that show except the dancing. The dancing is ludicrous. They ought to do a podcast of it without the dancing. Why do you say that? That's the stupidest thing you've ever said. No, it's just the truth. It's my truth. Yeah, because I like Bruce. Because for me, watching Bruce is like watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. The tension of whether the person is going to get to the million pound punch line. Will Bruce make it? I love that. I once, somebody quoted back to me something I'd said which I'd forgotten was that it was

like watching an elderly waiter carrying a very full tray across the crowded bar. Watching him read the autocue. I watched Bruce, I watched a whole joke, you know, which usually lasts about three or four minutes and I realised I haven't breathed for the whole thing. I think it will Bruce Bruce, I watch a whole joke, you know, which usually lasts about three or four minutes, and I realise I haven't breathed for the whole thing I think it will Bruce make it. So I love all that and I love, you know, I'm very happy with like the mad, uh, judges and all that stuff. The dancing is rubbish. Oh, I love the dancing.

The dancing is just stupid, just grinning mannequins. That's all it is. Now Gareth, you and Laura. It's a thing that generally we use, we like create our own insults for each other. And what we do is we adopt a, um, a celebrity's name that I think in some way I suppose we think it sounds funny or sounds a bit like an insult. So one of them is Terry Nutkins. So if we think the other person's being a bit stupid, we call them Terry Nutkins. And I think it might be the nut bit. I say, I say. Charlie Dimmock.

Because they're dim. Yeah. And there's one on Radio One at the moment. There's a news presenter called Seema Kotecha. And at the moment, Laura's been calling me Seema Kotechi. Oh, if you're in a bad mood. Yeah because I've been a bit... You too, right? We're crazy. You are just crazy! I sometimes say what the David Dickinson is going on. Do you really? Yeah I do. My an ex-girlfriend of mine, if my current girlfriend's listening, I can't even remember her name, not the current one, I remember her name but but the ex one. But she used to occasionally

call me a Tony Noel, which is quite complicated because Tony Knowles was a snooker player. But Tony Noel obviously is a slight variation of that because I was a bit of a Noel. That's funny. One of the things... Well, you say that's funny, I'm not sure. That's the subject of this week's phoning. Is that funny? Tony Noel. I was chatting to Emily about this the other day, but you know when you're not with somebody and you imagine them in a particular scenario? I'm worried about it, I'm worried where this is going.

No, but you know when you think of someone and I thought, how do I think of Frank and Emily? And when I thought, what do I, how do I think of Frank and Emily? And when I thought of Emily, I imagined her sipping champagne. Oh, I like that. Where? Um, in an alleyway. In an alleyway? Oh, that puts a rather different mark on the whole thing.

No, but the weird thing was when I thought of you, I thought of you as a snooker player. Really? What, playing? In a wasteco. Playing or just being introduced to the crowd, doing that slight bow from the waist. Yeah, no, not playing, just holding a snooker to you. Oh, just holding. And by a thing. Did you think of us together? Because somebody thought we were a couple this week, didn't they? Well, I tell you what, somebody did, but when I think of Emily, I imagine her at a dressing table doing her

make-up and hair whilst laughing about something that happened the previous evening, just remembering something and laughing to herself. Was it something you said? Well, that might not be something I said, it might be, perhaps you saw a pensioner knocked over. I keep getting a red sign on it that says, too low. Is that a reference to this shirt? I keep getting a sign on my screen that says not funny. Oh really? Yeah, I'm pressing a button over it. See, when I think of Gareth, I just imagine

him sitting on a chair staring at nothing. I don't know why that is. I think that's better than mine. In a desolate, slightly damp house. Mine's a bit Miss Havisham, isn't it? Well, I don't know. I like the fact that you're laughing. I think this is my theory. I think if you... it's a very good way to find out what people think of you. If you say, when you think of me, how do you imagine me? Where am I and what am I doing? I know how I think of you. Go on. I see you in a giant overcoat and like a stripey scarf. I don't even know how I think of you. Go on. I see you in a giant overcoat and like a stripy scarf, I don't even know if you possess either of those items. Right. And I see you walking across Waterloo Bridge like shielding yourself against the cold. Am I anywhere near

the TARDIS? No, you're a bit Samuel Beckett, you look a bit like a poet or a playwright or something. Oh I like that bit. Yeah. We know what you're thinking, it's a snooker player. What different views we all... Anyway, on the, what we call in celebrity swears, which is using people's names. For example, if I got a bit emotional about anything, I used to say I got a bit teary on Rui. As in teary. So any celebrity names that, I dunno, is this a rubbish idea? Oh no, send them in, what are we? We won't tell anyone. Just between us, nine people listen to this show, we won't tell anyone else.

Listen, this is a good one from Gabby. She says, years back an old neighbour would say, can't stop in a bit of an Ian Rush. This was one of the reasons people avoided him. No, I like that. You you see that's nice and simple in a bit of an Ian rush and you know it's it's exactly what we're talking about. David Brighton morning Franken team if a bolt or screw breaks while we are building we say it's Alan Shearodoff. Alan Shearodoff. Alan Shearodoff. Yeah you see it turns it isn't just you and Laura that use this strange language system. No, it's our society's celebs the best. I can't speak this morning. No, that was the only one. There was words there. I reckon I had two words out of the

five. Our society is obsessed with celebrity. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Yes. And I think we do it as a way to kind of satirise that in our everyday lives and subvert it in some way, make everyone feel like they have something to contribute. You're suggesting it's bad that our society is obsessed with celebrities. Oh yeah, sorry, I've said that in the wrong company. That's powered my sex life for many years. We've got, hello Frank, Emily and Gareth, when my flatmate and I say we're going to bed we say, good night, I'm going up to Daniel Beddingfield.

Don't really know why but it makes us laugh Alice in Brixton I like that I like that a lot that's one of the readable ones okay we've been sent a torrent of filth for this thank you listeners we can read that absolute pleasure and Adam from Leeds says when I've missed up Bill Odie Hell. Bill Odie Hell, that's alright I think. That's very good. Bill Odie Hell. I think we get away with that but there's lots that we don't get away with. One imagines that Bill Odie will be a resident of hell as well. Hey we had another email in this week Frank saying, hello Frank me and my friend had a brief chat with you and your partner whilst in Covent Garden on the 16th of July we were all looking at a giant cupcake this is from Kerry Brayford and that alarmed me when

I saw that email yes because it was me and you yes that I'm glad you've said that because my girlfriend sitting at home drinking a cup of tea just gone yes that was me and Emily that was yes that was my partner so you That was my family. He's not my partner! So you think they were talking about you when they said partner, you don't think they were talking about you when they said the giant cupcake? Yeah, you do look a bit like it. It's that glassy cherry hat you wear. I've said to you before, don't wear that. You look like some sort of swollen cardinal. But now you know best, of course. and Cardinal but now you know best of course.

Oh it is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and we're in Birmingham can you believe it? I know it's so exciting. And to celebrate I've got some special jingles what about this? Going back to Birmingham! Quick but alright. If you don't get that quick he says way way down in Alabama, which slightly spoils the whole thing. So this is Frank's Get an Absolute Radio, live from Birmingham with Emily and Gareth and we're obviously we're all here, they stayed in a hotel last night. Yeah, we did.

How was that? It was alright but the aircon was broken. I know that sounds a bit princessy. Not, not, never you. No but it was making a noise which I compared to the sound of someone stirring a metal broth you know you know someone stirring a metal broth I hate it when people do that so yes I'm a bit sleep deprived but I love Birmingham I love it you've never been before I know it's my first time we're at BRMB I should can you learn to say that I've said it now we're they're letting us use their their station.

So we're in a studio in BRMB. And I tell you what I noticed here, that I went to the toilet earlier and the door, you know sometimes you push a door, a swinging door and it's surprisingly hard. Perhaps this doesn't happen to you younger people. But I went to push it and it didn't move. I had to get a bit more purchase. I had to readjust my feet position to get it open. It's just to get into the toilet. I mean, I could have pulled something. And I went to the test match yesterday at Edgbaston, which was fabulous. I mean, very exciting cricket. And I sat with Trevor Francis, the former famous footballer. Yes, I know him.

And John Major. What was he like? I had quite a long chat with him. I didn't know this, but if you're a prime minister, you get security for the rest of your life. Wow. So everywhere he goes, People always ask him.

People always, yeah. Yeah, so there was two, I two, they're not very apparent, but yeah, he said to me he hadn't been anywhere on his own for 31 years. I think that's really glamorous having clothes protection. Well I said I'd quite like it, and I was thinking about it, particularly longingly this morning when I woke up at 4am in my. In my flat in Birmingham and what I assume were hooded youths I had an image of my car being upside down and on fire Garrison I like your bouncers now. That's what I like to think of us as yes Yeah, although you're in trouble if anyone does seriously try to do anything

Do you think John major did became prime minister just so he didn't have to be alone ever again? Well, it's a nice idea is if you're if you're a lonely person by nature Do you think John Major did, became Prime Minister just so he didn't have to be alone ever again? Well it's a nice idea, if you're a lonely person by nature, I suppose it is a good thing. I mean I like having, he said you know, sometimes it gets on your nerves, and he said if he insisted he could get rid of them, you know, but who'd do that? Was there someone standing by while he was with Edwina Curry, or do you think they stayed outside the room? I can't, he's my mate now.

I'm not going to refer to that. He's showbiz mate. He's my new mate. Emily, do you think there was someone in the room while he was with Edwina Curry? Oh yeah, yeah. Look, I'm still in charge here. I'm in Birmingham now, I'm on my own patch.

But it was very, if I had two security guys with me, I'd just walk into pubs and be lippy with big blokes, try to lure them into a bit of, yeah, what you doing, mate, lads? And they've got those like wiry bits behind their ears. Oh, mate, must be brilliant. So why am I in Birmingham? That's what you're asking yourselves, you people listening, our beloved listeners.

Well, I'll tell you. I'm getting a star on the Birmingham Walk of Stars. What people are asking? It is very exciting if you're in Birmingham. A lot of people might not have heard of it, but you know that thing in Hollywood where they have stars on the pavement? Yeah, well they have got one of them in Birmingham. So it's like Ozzy Osbourne was the first one, he got a star, and Jasper Carrot's got one. I saw one yesterday. Outside Flair's nightclub, I saw Noddy Holder.

When you say Flair's nightclub, I don't know if you're giving the right image of Birmingham. I don't think we're locked in the 70s in any way. But yes. Yeah, Noddy Holder I saw. I hope you're near him. And of course, Noddy Holder was the other. Yeah, Noddy Holder has got a star.

Yeah, which is, I mean, you know, I'm in good company. There's some odd ones. Maury Walker's got a star. Oh, I didn't even know he was from Birmingham. I had no idea he was from, I haven't met anyone from Birmingham who knew he was from Birmingham. It's something he obviously kept very much to himself. And also the Archers have got a star. All of them? The series itself. One particular actor. And then it says like in brackets, I mean, some of them are quite complicated. There's loads of script on some of the various qualifications and

explanations of how they got them. But mine just says Frank Skinner and then there's a picture of a microphone. Oh. Hey is there going to be like a Lord Mayor and is it going to be all formal? Oh the Lord Mayor is going to present it to me I believe. I love it. I love a Mayor. And he's got the proper, you know the... Has he got a chain? He's got, he's got to have the chain.

I love the chain. Who am I going to recognise him? And he's got the proper, you know, the... Has he got a chain? He's got, he's got to have the chain. Oh, I love the chain. Who am I going to recognise him? So yeah, anyway, so that's why I'm in Birmingham. So we're going to do the show and then we do various other things. And I think about five o'clock I'll be meeting the Lord Mayor. His worship, the Lord Mayor. I mean, do I call him your worship?

Um, yes. Oh. Your eminency, I'm going to call him. Your eminency. Why not? Yeah. He's not going to not like that, is he? I'm going to call him, right, okay.

I'm going to call him Eminem for short. I'm going to say that halfway through that I'm having a bit of a mare. In fact, I'm having a bit of a Lord mare. That's how bad a day it's been. Oh dear. So yeah, so that's what's happening. And I'm, I am, I'm being slightly jocular, but I am quite excited about it. That's how bad a day it's been. Oh dear. So yeah, so that's what's happening. I'm being slightly jocular, but I am quite excited about it.

Because it'll mean that people will be able to say, well I'll meet you at Frank Skinner at 8 o'clock. And they can make an appointment at the start. It's actually on a street called Broad Street in Birmingham. So it'll also mean that it'll be covered in vomit most weekends. And you know, I often was on the pavement in Broad Street covered in vomit. So and you know I often was on the pavement in Broad Street covered in vomit so I'm okay with that. My whole family once on April Fool's Day they did a really good trick on me where I was

sleeping in in the morning. And they moved house. No they set the fire alarm off, the smoke alarm, and then I got up and rushed out in my pyjamas. Your parents did that? Yeah, and they were all waiting there in the hallway for me and said, Gareth, Gareth, there's a fire, there's a fire! And then they all ran. Do you live in a hotel?

It's an odd thing in a house, isn't it? A big, small house. It was a co- our house in that we had in... it was when we lived in Cornwall and it was quite long and thin and it had a corridor. Vickers earn a lot of money these days. What? Well, it wasn't a vicar then. Oh, OK.

Oh, yeah. His dad's a vicar, isn't he? He's a preacher. Is that the same thing as a vicar? Preacher, no. He's not... he's not an Anglican. Anyway, so what happened? Um, so when you ran...

I didn't mean to say Anglican in quite that turn. N. No, it sounded like, yeah, not fire, it's not the fire and brimstone. S. The fire type, certainly. N. And yeah, well, and then I ran out outside of the house and then they all laughed at me. So they all ran through the house with me until I got outside in my pyjamas and then they all laughed at me. Karl Yeah, and then they locked the door and didn't let you in for, I think it was, it was almost two months. Yeah, I did a practical joke on David Baddiel. He's an ex-girlfriend,

I used to live with him right, and his girlfriend used to stop a lot. They weren't married. And she went to a fancy dress party as Catwoman and she had this headband, one of those solid plastic headband things with big ears. Oh yeah, unfamiliar with them. And a few months later I found the headband with the ears on. So I got in at about two in the morning or something and I lay in bed for a bit and then I got up and I wedged the plastic band with the ears sticking out into the cat flap. So there was just two big black pointy ears sticking out the cat flap and

then I really rattled the door and David had come out of bed and went, oh god! So he was so gullible Dave, he thought it was like a giant cat. I bet he's quite easy to wind up. Oh god, he's so, I mean, he's a very intelligent man, he's told me many times, but he's double first at Cambridge in case he stops just so he doesn't have to text him. But it's so gullible, it's unbelievable. I once put a plastic frog in his bedroom, and it was one of those African day glow tree frog things, and he says, oh God, there's a frog in my bedroom.

Can you get rid of it? And then he was hiding in the ensuite while I dealt with the frog. I picked it up, put it in my mouth, and went, woo! And he came out and screamed. He thought the frog had leapt into my mouth. It's a strange old world. So, what was we gonna talk about sleeping?

We were talking about sleeping. I said, we have these these conversations and then I forget. Oh yeah, apparently how you sleep, you know when you fall asleep next to your partner, that dictates what your relationship will be like. So if you don't have kind of compatible sleeping habits that's really bad news. But how do you know if you're asleep? My sleeping, I used to go out with a woman and we slept together, I know, and she was such a difficult person, I'm not going to name her. I can guess who it is though.

And she was such a difficult person, I remember being in bed with her once, the light had been off, you know, maybe an hour, when I was sort of asleep, half asleep, whatever, and we were lying facing each other. I rolled over, so turning my back to her, and I had to go, thanks very much. Now that's a lot of pressure. If turning your back on somebody in bed is a bit of a moment, a bit of a difficult moment. And you know that if I find it unreasonable, you're in trouble. Exactly. Yeah. It's

a difficult thing. I do, you know when I, because you try and cuddle and stuff but my Laura and I. How do you know? We, we, when we like. You try and cuddle. It's nice cuddling for a bit but we can't, I can't go to sleep with anyone touching me. Oh no. Do you know what I mean? Like you start cuddling for a while and you go oh this is nice and then you get to the point where you can't possibly bear the touch of another person for a second longer. And I think we both do, we both sort of have to throw the other person away. Throw them away? That's horrible.

Throw them away into the bin and then you've got to find a whole new partner. You know someone told me that he'd slept with a lady and she'd gone to sleep with his arm around her neck, kind of thing. That's how he'd gone to sleep in the first place. No, that's not true. And she'd fallen asleep sort of on his arm and he couldn't move his arm. All the blood drained out of his arm. So she was lying on like sort of like the bicep and he couldn't feel his hand or any of his forearm. He became worried that it might go white and fall off. And but he didn't want to wake her up because it was like the first time they slipped together

and he didn't want to cause the scene. Now that is ridiculous. Did he lose the arm? Yeah, I'm afraid he did. I was going to leave that bit out this early in the morning, but yes he lost the arm. It's cold, frank skinless, rainy old days. I don't want real days as in Stunka. I mean days as in the sevens lost the arm.