The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Cringe

Episode Date: December 10, 2025

We’re in 2011 with Frank, Emily and Gareth for our radio highlights. This week Frank’s had visitors he wasn’t prepared for and the team discuss the things we unnecessarily remember and the art of filling awkward silences. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're flying Emirates business class, dining on a world-class menu at 40,000 feet, you'll see that your vacation isn't really over until your flight is over. Fly Emirates, fly better. Frank Skinner's Radio Days, it could go one of two ways. Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days. We're in 2011 for our best bits, and this time we're talking about things that make us cringe. This is Frank Skinner, an absolute radio, I'm with Emily, I'm with Gareth. This week's theme I'm thinking is the fishing industry in Scandinavia.

That's a general topic, but you can broaden that. That's one of my speech topics from my speech radio personality of the year test. Yeah. I'm all right. So, I just confessed, actually, while that record was playing, I just lowered myself and confessed. I was slightly disappointed that my name isn't in the list of celebrities that were phone-hacked by the news of the world.

I feel slightly snobbed. I mean, Andy Gray, not me. What's going to happen to my career? Yeah, so, yeah, it's odd the things that could hurt your feelings in life. Yes, that's very strange. Oh, I feel so unhacked this morning. Yes, I tell you what, let's let us begin. You know, I had visitors this week.

I don't often have visitors. What? What? Sounds like aliens. No, no, no, not aliens. I think I'd have told you earlier. I couldn't have held it back to the show if I had aliens. Obviously, I'd have linked it to the news of the world thinking this could be it. Could be my moment.

No. Who were your visitors? Well, my girlfriend was away. Oh. Some of you, my, no. Not those sort of visitors. No, no, not that sort of visitors. Oh, so Charlie Sheet.

times. I went a bit winning around your way. Now, as you may now, my girlfriend's sister's been living with us recently. And the two of them went off to the weekend with Sandy Mason, their mom.

They weren't at Aintree, were they? No, no, this was, that's this weekend. No, they went, because it was mother at mother's, um, well, mother's weekend, it seems to be. Mothering Sunday. So I was on my own. So I thought visitors would be nice. So David Bede.

Neil and his family came visiting. Oh, yeah, I'm familiar with their work. Yeah. And the novelist, I think, I'm going to call him that. Yeah. The novelist came round. And filmmaker. And filmmaker.

But novelist sounds better. I like the idea nowadays, if I ever visit that, could be a novelist. Yeah. In the old days, when my mates used to say, shall come round yours, we can have a doss. Which is to, we used to book time in which we sat around and did nothing. I'd come around the afternoon, we can just doce. So, Dave, come around, we had a bit of a doss,

but it's slightly different nowadays, because he's got children who are very lovely. Oh, did he bring the kids? I'm not used to children in the house because I am barren as a brick. Can I just say, frankly, your property isn't very child-friendly. No, it isn't. And because I don't have children in the house,

I keep, I've discovered, I keep all my collectibles at knee level. That's a mistake when the children arrive. Especially the bear traps. Yeah, exactly. They're not set, though. Never set. It kills the springs.

You're not the resale value down considerably. So, yeah, but I find that when I have friends come around with children, I love children, don't get me wrong, but obviously I'm not used to, I always think they'll be up to mischief. Yes. You see. It's a bit like, I was thinking about this,

it's a bit like, imagine if you met a couple of friends in Dallas, in 1963 for a cup of tea in a cafe and just over your shoulder or all over their shoulder you're aware of the assassination of John F. Kennedy and you're not involved with it exactly but you can hear, you know, gone fire, the odd sirens maybe an eyebrow splats against the window

and so you're not, but it's going on over there but that's all you can think about that's the nature of your anxiety and when you're talking to friends and you can hear their children in an adjoining room you think what the hell It's going on And I get anxious

And I was already beating myself up For the fact that I don't keep Orring squash in the house As a matter of course I mean, who keeps squash at my age? You should keep some child-friendly drinks Did you have any toys for them? No, well I don't have...

Why would I have toys? Oh, I always keep toys. Do you really? Yeah, in case there's a kiddy visitor. In case they get in, you can just open the front door, throw the toys out as they run, close the door behind them.

But I'm not even. I'm not even sure what age group, you know. I mean... Just to get some polypockets in a Slovenian family. That's all you need. I'm thinking I might knock up a sandpit. What do you say? Yeah, nice.

I like one of those, you know, those things you're getting an early learning centre that's just like balls in the top. If you're going. You have a ballroom. I like the idea. Is that, yeah, I could have a ballroom. But yeah, I'm thinking I might... I ought to get something.

feel. I also thought maybe I will keep squash. I like the idea that I've having a soft drink in the house that I can determine the strength of. You know, some days I think, no, I'm going to go off the glass with the squash and some days I'm happy for it to just colour the water. You've had years of practice of determining strength. Yeah, indeed. So what I did, luckily, they discovered that we've got a treadmill in our house. That's a nice toy. Wow. Yeah. It's not an 18th century job that I bought in an antique fair. It's, it's a It's a modern running machine, which my girlfriend uses quite a lot,

and I've used about five times. And my dog uses if its bottom is completely itchy, and it can't get out the house. So they went on that, and it turned out to be a brilliant thing, because the thing is with kids, they're bursting with energy, but after four hours on the treadmill, just, you know, just takes the sting out of them. I don't think that's a very suitable toy.

Well, they were loving it. Were you and David in the room when they were on the treadmill, Did you leave them to the right of little feet, the pitter-patter of little feet, and then quite a lot of heavy breathing, and then a sort of a squealed, how do you switch this off? But then we left for another couple of hours after that. It seemed to be fine. We had to go out and hold out cups of water for them after two hours.

They're very hard to get off a speed in treadmill, I've discovered. Isn't that like life? Yeah. A philosophy early on. I've always said there isn't enough for that on Absolute Radio. I've taken all that radio sure wasn't going to be a bed of editing and tightly. It feels like a backward step I know that people finding things quite frightening. I was sent a free gift this week.

Oh, lovely. I love an anecdote that begins that way. Yeah. And it's called, it's a book, and it's called Celebrities' Favorite Books. It's a charity thing It's all the good cause Is it your new favourite book? No

But some people Some celebrities do say very nice things about the book This book For example Anthea, no Jane Torville OBE She's quite a good celebrity Yeah

I think this book is most interesting It says Oh It's strange review Yeah I was fascinated I was fascinated to find out What other people's favourites were

It gave me some ideas of books I might like to read in the future. She summed up the whole concept of the favourite celebrity books. And she found it most interesting in a fabulous prime of Miss Jean Brody. What would have been better if she said? It helped me decide from the celebrities I truly

hate which books I should avoid for all my life. I like the idea that Jane Torve, now, as she gets a little older, and another series of dancing and eyes comes to a close, she's thinking I'll do a bit of reading. Why not? Catch up on a bit of reading. Finds it most interesting.

I'll take her. I'll be off to Waterstones in the morning. So what were some of the... What was some of the Selexionis? Oh, well, there's all sorts. Tony Ben, for example. You know Tony Ben, Labour MP. There's no Tony Hadley, but it's okay.

No, I always think of it was a left-wing voice in the wilderness. And he says... Jordan's new book? No. Guinness Book of Records. Favorite book of all time? It's not even a book. It's an ever-expanding.

organically growing living creature, the Guinness Booker Records. So the Guinness Booker Records, he loves, probably got Roger Bannis, the fastest man on the planet. But he says is what he says about it. It's a good quote from Tony, Ben, I can't do the voice. I don't think I can't. It shows, no, I can't. It's always good to check just in case you can do an impression naturally.

It says, it shows how much each of us can achieve the Guinness Booker Records. Each of us? Yeah, it doesn't, does it? I'm not in it. No. World Shortest Man, no. Something I couldn't achieve. Most voracious ant.

I think we probably not. Well, we could make you World Shortest Man. I'll get a sore. I don't want Tony Ben, Tony Ben giving young children ambitions to be the world's most voracious ant. Ambitions they can never fulfil. They can only give them a life of frustration. A-N-T or A-U-N-T.

What is it? No, no, I don't say that for a aunt, aunt. Noel Edmunds. Oh, now, hang on. I'm just going to settle down by the fireside. My favourite celebrities. Yeah, right. Having said earlier in his,

he wrote a bit more than he one else, I've already said, and I quote, I'm a huge fan of Jeremy Clarkson. Can you believe I read on? That's what I'll do for the show. Everyone keep going, keep going. Keep going, keep going, keep going. Garras, stop it.

He chose men are from Mars, women are from Venus, was Noel Edmund's book. Wow. He didn't. Yeah. Oh, well, he likes cosmic ordering. He likes planet-based things. Does he realise it's a metaphor and not an actual theory?

Oh, no. Surely he realised there's no evidence of life on either planet. Well, he also chose Winding the Willows, which 70% of the celebrities chose Winding the Willows. Oh, dear Jane Torval, OBE. Better settle down for a summer with Ratti and Mowling. I can remember my dad reading me that And I suppose

Please, that's what she calls her breasts So did you see in the paper? So did you see in the paper There was talk about Because they're trying to improve social mobility The Tories Yes I imagine

We'll let that, yes It's say that they are They are And people have said That they're all very hypocritical because basically all of them have got where they are today by people helping them out in some way. Usually family members, I think.

We can't talk too much about any specifics because local elections are coming up. Oh, we went very political, Frank, I like that. We're not allowed to express any... Who cares about the local elections? Everyone does. But Gareth, we're at very news night, which I quite like it. No, okay.

That was good. I found it very alluring. I like him when he goes hard news. I'm very, very happy not to talk about anything to do with the local elections. on any level. Yeah, I can almost smell the primary school at the very thought of it when you have to go in and vote with your terrible black pencil.

People thinking, may not give them too sharp at Biro sort of people. Oh, that's strange. So, yeah, so connections. So I wondered what we thought about connections. Because I think we've all come from very different places in life. Oh, I'm liking this. This is like Jerry Springer's closing thought. I'm not saying an awful lot here.

And I wondered what our attitude towards using connections. I wonder what my attitude is. Take a while, I'll guess. You must have... Frank over to you first, please. You must have wanted to. I was just trying to think if my family had any connections which have benefited me. And yeah, sure enough, I did get a summer job at my mom's factory.

Did you? Because she put a word in. She worked in a glass factory. Not a glass factory. I wouldn't be prepared to work anywhere where throwing stones was prohibited No, she worked in a factory that made glass And she got me at labouring

I must have told you back when I was laboring That for all these middle-aged women They used to say terrible things They went to see a male stripper One night And next day I thought Well, on the Monday, they'd been on the weekend This is bear in mind about 15 women

and I said, how was the male stripper? And this woman said, disgusting. And she said, ignore her. She said, he put his wats in her tear Maria. Well, I mean, what kind of a night was it? That's such unhygienic things went on. Horrible 80s male stripper. You see, we didn't have those little cocktail umbrellas in those days.

We had to make do and mend. I mean, imagine, for example, coming straight out of college, and your first job interview is with the Director General of the BBC. Could that happen? Could anyone have that level of connections? Shut up. Shut up. It wasn't a job interview. I can't believe you've said that.

It wasn't a job interview. No, I just, it was just a sort of, you know, a ghostie. A ghostie of the director. I can't get a meeting with the Director General of the BBC, and I have put 25 years of my life into this business. Well, it didn't help me. We just sort of had a nice... I didn't help you, here you are.

Yeah, you're right, I didn't help. What was his advice? They're not even on the BBC. He ended up in commercial radio. You didn't say something awful, did you? No, I just, I mean, I've tried not to abuse my... I do have some contacts, okay? I do have some contacts.

I accept that. In certain areas. But it's only because they're in one area. They're in, like, the media or something. So if you had wanted to go into preaching, that's where your parents were. Yeah, I think the door would have been open for you. Yeah, and if I wanted to go into sheet metalwork, well, that's the thing, is that you're...

I didn't want to go into sheet metal work. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it as a profession. It just wasn't for me. Yeah, that's fine. I remember that moment when I tell my dad, I don't think I'm going to go into sheet metal work. It was a bit of a tense moment. Oh, well, we'll say no more about it.

No. Did you have any contacts? Well, I... Because when I, my dad used to, um, when he'd go from church to church, and sometimes he'd do children's meetings and do some children's songs where there would be actions to do along with the songs. Like, oh, that Superman one that...

Who used to do that, was it? Like lace. Like lace, Superman, that one. No? Agadoo, no, not like... No, about the sort of Bible stories and things. Oh, okay. Superman isn't in the Bible.

No, I don't... Well, Jesus was a Superman of sorts. Yeah, but did he fly? I can't believe he didn't fly. He did fly at the end. He flew up. Such was the pace of his upward trajectory, and the fact that he never strayed off course,

it was less of flying and more of a take-off. Yeah, sort of flying. So I used to do the actions. Oh, you used to... Watch the Superman. No, not just... In the subject of celebrity contacts, where does this fit? No, but I just mean that that was the contact that my dad had,

because he sorted that gig for me. Oh, okay. He sorted that out. It was all because of her I knew, not what I knew. Well, I didn't know the action. So that happened. Emily said to me that she said, well, everybody. Are you going to say something?

She said, everybody's got at least one showby's contact. She said to me, your dad, you must have known say a journalist. My dad. My dad, you know a few Republicans, unfortunately. They knew him too. Oh, I'm not to say anything. I'm going to be lynched. There's going to be a Shane Lynch for me outside.

I worked at a local art centre doing voluntary work, and I knew a woman who'd had a one-night stand with Tony Capstick. That's it. So I went and saw Limitless away the face. Oh, did you? Are you aware of it? I'm vaguely aware of it. The whole theory.

It was, I don't know if I might mention this before, but my girlfriend's sister is living with the cinema. And we have what we call the cinema club, me and Rachel, because my girlfriend's not a big fan of the cinema. In fact, since she saw Black Swan, she said she'd never go to the cinema ever again. So that's caused a slight problem with our cinema going. So I go with Rachel, my girlfriend.

system. We went to see, we have our cinema club and this week it was limitless and it's about the idea, which I hadn't heard before that apparently we can only access 20% of our brains. You can't reach the back bit at all. Is it an urban myth? I think so, yeah. I've got confirmation

coming through but anyway. Confirmation coming through? We've got a scientist on the line. Imagine you're standing feeding ticker tape between your index finger and thumb at the side of a 1960s machine. Anyway, I like the film, and it struck me that this bloke he kind of suddenly could remember everything that it ever happened, that everything never read and learnt, which would be brilliant. But then there's loads of stuff.

For example, the lyrics to file the paper the parlour, not something I use practically very often. The fact that they were in, I started the song and they kept coming the lyrics. I didn't know I knew them, if you know what I mean. Yeah. So, well, no, there's been a theory in the paper this week, hasn't there, that as you get older, your memory gets worse, not because you're getting slower, just because there's more stuff in your brain.

That's why people say, oh, I can remember stuff that happened to me at school, but I can't remember what happened yesterday. They're all full up, all their shelf space. Which is true. That's been taken. Your server gets full. For example, I can remember my mom's co-op divvy number. 386-34.

Anything you bought from the co-op, you used to get stamps. Well, I remember my grandma had, you put them in a little booklet, yes, I know. And you could get stuff with them. Not dissimilar to the welcome gifts that Michael Parkinson offers to old age pensioners on daytime television. Anyway, so, yeah, so the milkman was the co-op milkman. So when he came, if my mum was out, he'd say, what's your divvy number? I'd say, 3-8-6-3-1-4, and he'd give me the amount of stamps. She didn't get me any stamps for a pint of milk.

I got one stamp. You could have, you could get a, you could buy a television from the co-op. That was quite a lot of stamps. Mrs. Ferready down the row when they, that was good quality. When they buried her husband, she had the, the funeral was done by the co-op. She got a lot, she bought a radio cassette player on the, on the stamps from that funeral. Hey, from darkness, riseth light. Yeah, so, so I still remember my mom's, um, my mom's divvy number.

I don't need that. I can't get rid of it. No. I recently played a computer game online that I used to have when I was a kid. Oh, slow week, was it? Discovered. I could remember whole levels. It was the one way you explore its first person and you go around and shoot zombies. Doom. And I could remember whole levels in my head, like it was a place I've visited and gone,

oh, yeah, I've been here before. I'm not going to need that. You see, I've got the co-op divvy number, but when a policeman asked me my licence number the other way, I couldn't... I actually said, can you give me the first letter? Well, they weren't... It's not like a quiz, apparently.

I don't know my home phone number. No, but that doesn't surprise me in fairness. No. But how do I know, Frank? I imagine you leave Bournemouth with a long expanse of cotton, which they used to get back home. Do you know what I find depressing? I can't remember my credit card pin number,

but I know that the executive producer of Dallas was Philip Capit. because I watched it so often. Well, I can remember that the producer of Tom and Jerry was Fred Quimby. That's now good to me. Yeah, in the twirley writing? In the twirley, oh, very heavy on the queue, flamboyant on the queue of Quimby.

I hate that I know Paul Coyer's name. I hate that he's in there somewhere, russing around. I hate that he ever existed in many ways. You know, I know the sheriff from Bonanza, Roy Coffey, and the manservant. Can you still have a man servant? Hop Singh. I can.

remember Hobsing? Oh. Opsing, I believe his name was taken from two of the items on his specialty skills on his, on his CV. Hey, don't you think, Frankswell, I always, you always remember the register. So you remember all these names of kids because it was read out every day. So it's just that thing of repetitive learning. So like Cornelius Wright, Jasper Thornton, all these people I went to school with. Did you go to the Hogwarts?

Cornelius Wright and Jacksonville. Asper Thornton. I can't help it. That's who I went to school with. Oh, God, I can see them now queuing up the talk shop with Billy Bonta, just coming down the corridor. Billy Bonta, I think, has obviously been driven out by political correctness. I never liked him, anyway, the fact of it. Anyway, what about that for the texting?

What information do you have, which is no longer necessary? Like it? But then all that information is going to come in and be in our heads, and it's going to push out some important stuff. It's okay, isn't it? Yeah, well, you know, there's still, I don't know. how you do it. There must be a way of unloading the old stuff. But then again

do I really want to let it go? I'd miss Hop sing if you went from my consciousness. I got my hair cut this week. As you know, I go to what I call a seven quid barber. Boy, did I have a shock? Why? It's gone up to nine quid.

Oh, brian. Well, don't worry, you could never tell by looking at it. No, exactly. It's the only thing it looks two quid better. No. It was, they have a big sign outside the seven quid and they'd just, they'd look like they'd put a sheet of A4, with a big nine on it and just put it over the seven. So there was a, the vague shadow of happier times when it was only seven showing through, which I thought was a mistake. Yeah. And apparently it hasn't gone down that well with the...

Is it still your same barb? Was it an Australian that you used to have? Well, they have a seat, there's different people. Oh, there's no loyalty where you're The way to travel the world now, whereas it used to be to work in restaurants. Now you just carry a pair of scissors and it's have, you know, have scissors will travel. Don't you want the same person, though, doing your hair? Well, there is a nice lady. I do have when I'm in there, an Australian lady, but she wasn't in there. I think it's holidays at the moment.

I don't know whether she'd stormed out with the nine quid. And some sort of socialist stance. But I had a lady, I'd say it was 35 years my junior. Right. And that's, I mean, from a conversation. point of view it's tricky because my only hope when I'm having my hair cut by someone that much younger

than me is that the nation is in the midst of a major reality series and of course I fell in the terrible gap between dancing on ice and Britain's got talent so I had nothing to discuss and she did that thing where she said how was your weekend

and I said I don't remember actually I honestly didn't remember but through dementia not through living it off And she went, oh, yeah, I know what you mean. And there was a second when I went, yeah, right. And I thought, oh, God, I'm joining in with a terrible lie and pretending I'm... He lied.

And I thought, do I want to pretend I'm a party animal? Because you'll think, oh, it's some tragic, tragic middle-aged man who goes out and, you know, carouses. Has a couple of lie tails, maybe a barley wine. And then it's... So that was awkward. And so I was at that situation, which we've talked about on the show, where I didn't really know

what to discuss so I thought well I'll talk about the two pound rise and the whole place went tense oh I'm not surprised I think there'd been a few altercations in there how did you raise it I said so the two pound rise

I said that strikes me as a built in tip if you make a nine quid a haircut everyone's going to say oh well there's 10 quid keep the change aren't they everyone And she said, no, no, a lot of people have made a big point of getting the pound back as a protest against...

I don't like the sound of the protest. How about it going up to nine quid? Protest, over a nine pound haircut. Oh, that's called... It's caused quite a lot of problems in there. And I always tip three quid, you see, in the old days, already? Wow, that's generous. So has your attitude changed as a result of the two-pound raise?

Nothing's changed for me. I still give them a tenor. I pay exactly the same when they get two-pound less, eh? You do the math. I say you do the math I'm just cringing I don't I don't tip at the hairdressers

so just let them keep the hair I think that's all right my hair yeah if they were you know I could take it with me if I wanted could you do that

well if I I'd have to have some sort of receptacle and sweet device but I'm on about if you said actually can I take do you mind if I take my hair with me I've never heard anyone do that

how interesting doesn't it mix with other hair on the ground though It's like when people go for ashes of a dead relative. It's not, it's not... You get some lovely highlights that way, though. Yeah? Yeah.

I might try just to see how it happens. But it did remind me of the... Awkward silences. Yeah, the whole awkward silences thing. Yeah, we're talking about that. We had some good emails about awkward silences. What we're asking through is tips on how to fill those moments. For example, sort of people...

This is from Ian. He said, Dad and I often have awkward silences, which he feels he needs to fill. His best, after several painful seconds, was so, do you eat a lot of bread, Ian? Good question. You see, I might, even though that includes Ian, I might start using it with the Ian. It's such a good gap fill. Oh, I love it.

We've got another one, actually. This is from Lenny and Mauritius. I didn't know we had friends in Mauritius. I like that. I once did a school project about Mauritius. I live in Mauritius. This isn't me. This is Lenny.

No, I guessed you were reading. There's a slight difference in your intonation. I live in Mauritius. Sorry, I live in Maricious. I'm a scourthrobbish. My scouts accent's very good. My cora is without equal. You're all right, wasn't an acora, but that one didn't.

It's had it too pretty. Acora, too orangie for crows. I live in Mauritius. I'm a scouser, though, and pick up the podcast to cheer up my route into work. Very amused to hear you chat about the Bermuda Triangle as a last resort conversation to break an awkward silence. A relative of mine was being given a lift home after decorating a friend of a friend's house.

He's not got much in his conversation armoury and probably felt intimidated by being in the presence of a high-powered banker. After about two difficult miles he came out with, you know the engine, nodding in the general direction of the bonnet, is just a series of mini explosions. Not another word was uttered in the remaining ten minutes. I like, there's somewhat poetic about a series of mini explosions. I love, I mean, I think filling the gaps in a driving situation.

Oh, yeah. Because I'm occasionally on a good day, driven by strangers. You know, someone gets a car for me. And that's always... That sounds like from the village, driven by strangers from the village. Yes, driven out of town like a dog. But it was, I, it's what I call drive tall. And you have to come up with...

Yes. I used to have a set line I used. I tried it four times. It never got a laugh, so I stopped. I always said, oh, I got rid of my rearview mirror two years ago. You know, I've never looked back. And nothing. Oh, we're all right, isn't it?

Never got a laugh from a driver ever on that. So I gave that up. No response? Just... Just... Nothing. Well, not sort of as if I was making conversation. They just thought you were irresponsible.

And it was a true story. Yeah. They thought you were very irresponsible. Well, anyway, so I lost faint in that. I was once thought he was an American actually driving at a minicab in London. And I said to him, you know, I was desperate. And I said, so you know, you're way well around considering you're not from the contrary. It was one of the few legitimate times if I could say that to a minicab drive

without sounding slightly racist because he was American. And he said to me, oh yeah, I'm a Gemini. And we left it at that. And you know that moment when you leave it, it has. hangs in the air. You can hear the word going, Gemini, Gemini, Gemini, Gemini, in your head. Very difficult. A friend of mine's mother, when they were having a Sunday lunch with, they had guests around and it was really quiet. You know, that horrible moment when you don't know people that well, and then it's really quiet. She used to go, well, food must be good.

That's a good one, actually. I'm going to use that one when there's no food. It's very sort of pointed. Very pointed. Frank, we were talking about kind of useless information you still retain. James in Tooting says, morning, Mr. Skinner and Friends, a number I cannot get out of my head. One thing you can't remember is your names. Yeah, exactly. I think Friends, if you don't mind me saying, he's pushing it. Frank.

Well, you know, I think we've moved now to a professional status. Showbiz friends, maybe. Well. Go on. I don't really have any. You just said you were watching Britain's Got Talent with Michael Macon. Yes, but I was a hostage. Try and be nine of the people.

He hates his guts. He doesn't really. Morning, Mr Skinner, friends. A number I cannot get out of my head is Victor Meldrew's phone number from one foot in the grave. Whenever he answers the phone, he says, 4291, I cannot wait

for it to be an answer in a quiz. I actually don't believe that. Don't you? It was a Victor Melger. I have fantasised about questions. I'll tell you what I've gone one of my recurring fantasies.

This is pathetic, but me and David Badeo was once on a celebrity who wants to be a millionaire. Yeah. I presume a rhetorical question under the circumstances. And we got...

You did very well, actually. We got to £500,000. And the question was, what is the national flower of Japan? And I said, you know, it was one of those we talked about it. And I said, well, you know, if I had to guess,

I'd say Chrysanthem, I said, but, you know, I'm just thinking about the charity, thinking about those children and what people always say. And it was Chrysanthem, and we didn't take it. And I always imagine, I've had this fantasy 100,000 times. No, 18 times. So I keep a very, very distinct journal. I always look at the week, I go for Chrysanter and we win.

And then the question, the final question, is always in my fantasy, what counted in WG Grace play cricket for? and I know it. Why I've arrived at that? I don't know. But it was just to be in the sad... And I always think,

would I come straight out with it? Would I pretend I was unsure just to build up the tension? I can see David Bedele covered in silver glitter in my fantasy. Oh, dear. Not for the first time. Frank, recently on the show, you were talking about awkward silences. Do you recall?

Yes. Oh, I love it. I love it when life imitates art. Well, we've had an email in about that. Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth, I'm an expat living in Thailand, and they have the perfect solution to awkward silences here. When you stop and talk to someone, as soon as you said what needs to be said, you just walk off.

There's no need for a goodbye or a closing statement. It's the same on the phone. You might get, hi, what time does the film start? 8pm. What time should we meet? 7.50. Boo! Which, do you know what, Frank?

I love the idea of this because I find signing off phone conversations. saying the goodbye and stuff, really stressful. Because I'm quite an OTT theatrical person, I'm sure you'll all agree. Yeah. And I say, love you lots, to a lot of people. Do you? But that's another story.

Yeah. But now, I'll say, so, for example, I said it the other day to my solicitor by mistake. Oh, no, you don't want to say love you lots to your solicitor. I said, okay, okay, bye, bye, love you lots, love you lots. Oh, how mortifying. God, that's the sort of thing married actor probably says to his solicitor. And I don't like it when people as well, you'll be, when they're signing off they go, oh, well, look, I'll let you go.

You're probably busy, so I'll let you get off. And I think that's them. They don't want to take responsibility because they're actually wrapping up the conversation. Yeah. No, conversation is a bit like a game of chicken, isn't it? Where you have to...

I sometimes say, I'll see you later, to complete strangers. Oh, you won't see. No, that's true. I think I've... I think conversations are like a plate of chicken. How do you sign off, Frank? Well, I used to... For the first 30 years of my life, it was never... ever anything other than tar-ar bit.

I mean, that was all I ever said. And my brother still says that. And I still think you see taking that, I'll see it, then he go, I tar-a-bit. And I've stopped, if I do it now, I'm doing it, you know, self-consciously. It's cold, Franks, Christmas, radio days. I don't mean days as a stupor. A me days, as in a seven-for-week-old, this is a take-not a gluca.

Thank you.