The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: Ditch

Episode Date: August 9, 2025

We're still in 2009 for our best bits. The team have been out for a lunch and the boys tried something unusual, there's a question about baby pigeons and Ed Byrne is our guest... or is he? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We've taken all that radio show Wasn't done a bit of editing and tightening It feels like a backward step I know But people finding things quite frightening Hello, Frank Skinner here And this is Frank Skinner's Radio Days The Best Bits from my former radio show And we're still in 2009

Ed Byrne was meant to be our guest But is he going to make it to the studio in time? You're about to find out Saturday morning! Good morning to you both. Hi, Frank. Hello. See, we've done that thing they do on the cricket

like we've pretend we haven't met. Like we've just met here. We should do that. Maybe we should try one Saturday morning and not speaking at all until that moment. That'd be great. Unless one of you has got a terrible throat infection. Because if I say good morning to you and you went,

I'd be, that would shake me early on on the show. You mean if one of us would become a duck? Yeah, well, that could happen. If it does happen, don't give me the bill. We've started off with a terrible... Ladies and gentlemen, Frank Skinner. Yeah, listen to that. Oh, that's so scares me.

You're going to have to stop playing that. You're scared. We were talking earlier. Yes, we were talking earlier. A lot of it. We were talking earlier about things we were scared of as children. Emily had a fairly unique specter in your life. I'm sure there are other children scared of this person.

I think that's unlikely. Okay, I was scared of Lou Reed. I was accused. But he's quite weird looking And I just, I think I saw a picture of him once And he looked, he was, it was all quite satanic And he just, he was like my bogey man, basically. Yes, it's, it's, I don't know how many children are actually aware of Lou Reed

Is, is one of the problems with this. I think the sort of people, there'd be people that were saying, Oh, when I was a kid, it was more Tom Petty. Tom Petty and the heartbreakers. Just unlikely people to even be aware of as a child. He was the threat that hung over me permanently. If you don't do that, Lou Reed's going to. to come and get you.

Yeah. Nowadays, I can't believe that was used, is that? Nowadays, it's probably endubs. Yeah, I should think so, yeah. Endubs under the bed.

Just give me a minute while I Google that. What were you frightened of as a child? The list of things I was frightened of as a kid I was scared of my auntie because I was scared

she might turn into a wolf. Why? She looked a bit wolfy. I was scared of lepers. A bit of pine, was she? Yeah. You were scared of lepers? Lepers.

I really, Ben Hur scared me of lepers. and I was scared there was going to be lepers Ben Hurra kid at your school that went around with sort of spreading rumours about leprosy. No, the film Ben was, what, that it was contagious and all that.

Actually, Ben was right. If you're listening, Ben, no disrespect. He's not listening. No, he might be listening, Ben. What were you scared of, Frank, you know? Ben, uh... I, uh, or was he called? I written that he probably um, siled his nappy at the

uh, at the, at the, at the, at the, at the, at the, at the, and the priest said, I name you, Ben, ugh. What was I scared of? I was scared of the wardrobe in my mum and dad's bedroom. I'm sorry, and you think Lou Reed is weird? No, but let me explain it. It's that kind of wood grain in it that looked a bit like two monstrous faces, one on each door. Do you know the kind of thing I meant?

It was a wooden wardrobe. Oh, okay. And in the grain of the wood, when the lights were off, because if I got frightened, I would go into my mom and dad's bedroom. and they were really pleased about that always, you know, 3 o'clock in the morning. But the way that the moonlight went into their room, there was these horrible faces. To be honest, I think it was some sort of promotional wardrobe that Lou Reed had put out when Transformer was released.

Well, I think that says a lot about you psychologically. You don't have to read in too far that you were scared of the wardrobe that was in your mum and dad's bedroom, the secret place. that you're scared I don't want to get too... Yeah. You see what I'm saying, though. Well, I'm going.

It's partly down the past, but not completely. Where does this leave Ben Hur? In the wardrobe. Oh, okay. One, on, some sort of small, petite chariot, wardrobe-sized chariot that also hold shoes on the back and polishing things. It doesn't make any sense.

They've got Ben-Hur at the O-2 Centre now, though. That's bigger than a wardrobe. We're not here to plug Ben-Hur. No, but can we go and see that? Well, we can't go. Gareth'll be absolutely petrified. What should we go and see next? A velvy underground reunion,

and I'm going to watch a stage version of the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Let's just terrify ourselves, shall we? We've had texting on the subject of things that scared us when we were children. And this is from Adam in Leeds. He says, I was scared of the Roland Ratt version of the Three Little Pigs, as read by Roland on cassette. He was a bit terrifying, wasn't he?

He was slightly terrifying, but he did save, what did he save TV AM? They always used to say about him. He saved TV AM, where is it then, if he saved it? Yes. Well, I never heard that, but I'd like to hear it now. Perhaps we'll play the whole thing next week. We might have to play it this week because Ed Byrne is our guest today. I say it is, but we just had a message to say that his car's broke down.

and the RAC are on their way, so anything could happen. I like that. It's quite 70s excuse, not when you hear often these days. No. Did you read Giles Brandreth in the Daily Mail this morning? Of course I did. Never miss it. Is this the Sarah Kennedy show? Of course I didn't.

I know you did because you read it out to me laughing, which is why I brought it up. I'm going to completely deconstruct the whole plan. Okay, so what did he say? He said he was talking about meeting the Queen and he was talking about an encounter with the Queen He said Have you ever been to the theatre in Wimbledon

And the Queen replied I imagine so She drinks a lot, the Queen now to be fair to her There's no way she'd remember Probably I probably have What of it Give us a clue

What colours the Royal Box interior A bit of a personal question I don't know she's asking that. I haven't met the queen, but I did go to... You haven't met the queen? No, but I've been to her crib. I went to Buckingham Palace. Okay.

And I saw her and I was standing there thinking I won't see her in the garden, as you do, Gareth. Oh, was it a garden party? Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. And I saw this figure. She looked a bit like Mrs. Tiggie Winkle in, Lemon Yellow. And there were all these big men around her. And I went, oh, it's the queen!

And she saw me saying that. I was a bit embarrassed. Yeah, she must hear that a lot. I would have thought. It's when she hears who's that, she gets really upset. Who is Mrs. Tiggie Winkle? She's a bit of expotted character. What is she?

She's a hedgehog in a dress. Okay. Yeah. Did she have her air spiked that day? I've met the Queen. I met her at the 50th anniversary of ITV. Oh, did you? And she shook my hand, in fact.

She had gloves on. I think that's no accident they wear, because they shake a lot of hands. and they must get out. Does she change the gloves every time she shakes someone's hat? Yeah. And then she puts the new pair of gloves. There's a robber gloves she put off.

No, but I imagine she gets in and say all these gloves, smell of working glass people. And then put them on a fire, I imagine. But anyway, she was, I was with David Badeel at the time. Obviously, she didn't know who we were. But I said, oh, we, you know, we worked together, we worked separately. And I did a real robish joke.

I said something like, you know, and I like it when we work separately, because it means I can criticise his work. And she went, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I got a picture of a really throwing her head back laughing. It was... Oh, that's good.

You got a picture of her laughing. Yeah, because I could make up. I could write any fabulous gag. People will be fooled. Yeah, well, I could. I could do it. I could do it George Brandliff. I could be in the paper and say,

I actually told her a terrible, terrible joke about sex between an animal and a human being. And she laughed like there's no tomorrow. And thus that would drag her down Somewhat, her reputation I might do that I feel I've slightly given the game away now Have you met the queen?

Yeah, I have We've all met the queen Well, you haven't met her You saw her at a garden party Yeah, but I went to her house And you haven't Yeah, well anybody can go to her house They buy a ticket

Where did you meet her, Garret She came to open a new building In a school that I used to go to And she came and looked around my class And looked at my work Oh yeah, and what did she say? I didn't say anything She didn't look impressed

She didn't say anything She's quite small She's smaller than you imagine she'd be Yeah I think you'll find that She uses a stunt double There's a sort of travel Her majesty of the queen As much smaller than her

Let and just throw it into a hold all And get off to the next venue A lot of the There's a sort of lookalikey person Not her at all Can I just say Adam from Leeds Has just texted in again

To say To clarify I loved Roland And I loved the three little pigs A separate entity It was just the combination of the two. Well, he's right to clarify that because I was thinking, what kind of a freak is he?

He likes neither roll and nor the three little pigs. Turn that he does. It's just, you know, it's like I like milk, and I like Vimto, but I wouldn't want him in the same glass. Can I say, by the way, we have a lot of lovely texts saying how people really, really like the show and listen to it all the time,

but we don't read any of them out because I just would feel a bit of a bit of a dude or reading out and stuff about people saying that they love the show. I would, I know you would. I've had to talk you out of it. I know. Well, me and them will get together and we'll just read them to each other. I love to hear them because they're very uplifting,

but I just, I would feel embarrassed and a bit, you know, can I say op myself? I think I can. A bit of myself to read them out. But thanks very much. Yeah, thank you. It's much I appreciate them, as I believe they used to say in Latin. We had some good ones during the week

Stuart Leatherland Or is that Stuart in Leatherland? I don't know Is he currently in Leatherland as we speak? I have some I can't hear the squeak of set ease I'm going to go and see Stuart Oh which Stuart, you know Leatherland, Stuart

He's always in Leatherland Yeah Maybe he works in Leatherland Oh yeah He says hi Frank Gareth and Emily I've just been listening to your podcast From two weeks ago And heard you say that Craig Revel Hawwood

Isn't as orange as he was before That is true Well yeah And he says I'm not surprised after all, nobody likes the orange rebels, do they? Oh. That's good. I'm hoping it's his.

I'm hoping it's not from the son. Yeah. Yeah, but that's good. Carl Wallace says lots of nice things. It says, anyway, my question, Frank, is, why do we never see baby pigeons? Oh. Do you mean, like, little pigeon? Little, that's quite.

Have you ever seen a baby pigeon? No, I've never seen pigeons. And you do see pigeons in London. where I live. I've never seen little pigeons with them, being carefully looked after by her mother pigeon. They're called squabs. They're squabs? I know that because I've seen it on a menu. That's any reason.

Oh, God, I thought that was going to be a lovely cozy point you were making. Sit it on a menu? What, do you just have them? Do you just eat them like profiteroles? Oh yeah, because I'm the one that eats weird food. Yes. Me and Gareth, we went a bit macho yesterday, which is not very me and Gareth. What were you doing? We went out for lunch, us three,

with Emma our producer who is also the producer of the new Dave Gorman show which has signs all over the studio saying we got a plug that's on tomorrow morning at 10 so anyway yeah we went and we had

pigs trotters anyway when they came they weren't I thought there would be like a big pig's foot in a maybe in a glove It said deep fried pig strutter and I was expecting like a pigs trotter deep fried yeah I was imagining

I had a terrible image of live pigs forcing to force the put their feet into those deep-fri things you get in chip shops. That's what I thought was going to happen. But no, it was in like a little envelope of pastry. It was like a Finder's crispy pancake

with breadcrumbs on. And it was like... Other pancakes are available. Yeah. It was like someone had minced up some dead baby birds, not pidgin' top of it. And there was some... I think there was some dog spit in it. There were shards of... Shards of bone and tendon.

It wasn't, it was horrible. I still don't feel right. I haven't felt right since. So lay off the pig strutters. That's what I'm saying. And if there's any pigs listening, don't bite your nails because it'll make you feel a bit sick.

Franks, here's ready of your days. It could go one with two ways. Franks think's ready of your days. The yeas out way in a maze. Turns out Ed Burns in a ditch. Can you believe that? I didn't even know they still had. See, he doesn't live in...

If you live in London, there are no ditches, basically. At first, it was a 70s excuse. Now it's gone the 16th century. I know, yeah. What's going to be next? She's been held up by the roundheads. Terrible problems with the hay wane. So we're worried about...

But apparently the RAC are on their way. If the RAC are listening to this, come on. They'll be going by stagecoach. It's going to take them a while. Even the RACs is a bit... That's a bit 16. this to me, the RAC. I imagine they'll be wearing leather driving gloves,

the RAC. I shouldn't, I didn't even know they still existed. Yeah. Anyway, I tell you what's been brilliant. We often sit around and, you know, what can we have to get people to text in about? But it's one has sort of organically developed this morning, a phoning thing,

because we were talking about what we were scared of as children, and now people are just, we didn't even ask. People have texting in things that were scared of as children, and that's brilliant. I love that kind of spontaneity. early in the morning. We've got a great one from Al from Bromley, which I really relate to. Things that scared me when little... What, Bromley, something you really relate to? Okay.

The theme tune from Perry Mason. Oh my God, I so relate to it. That was terrifying. I don't remember what that was. Oh, I'll remember what that was. Is Perry Mason the bloat? I know that. I'm thinking of Ironsides, because it was the same bloat, Raymond Burr, who I think was mentioned also christened the same day as Ben Hurd, but it was very, very cold by the time he was Chris, Raymond, bruh. Because I,

Ironside used to be an ooh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. Used to start, and he used to go, da-tun-dan-da-da-na-na-na-n-h. But I don't remember, Perry Mason. I do, but I'm not singing it. You're not singing it? No.

No. Touchy. Um, Alpha Murray says, plus I thought a letter. Who? Alpha Murray. This is some police man who's found in him from his car. Alfa-morry? Still, I suppose, it's better than now, Murray, at all. What did Al?

No, Al from Bromley, the same Al. Oh, I saw her. He also said, no, I now see. Plus, he thought a little lady lived down the bath plug hole. He was scared there was a lady down the bath plug hole. All right. I was very scared of the power sockets in my bedroom. What did you think you lived down there?

You know how you weren't supposed to put your fingers in the power sockets? Yeah, I remember that. So I used to be really scared and say to my mum, I think I'm going to put my fingers. in that. Yeah. And be really scared I was going to do it. Did we find that about baby pigeons?

Someone asked why we never see baby, not why we never see baby pigeons, why no one ever does. Yeah, the listeners were all over it. Paul said baby pigeons are not seen because they can't fly and not develop no feathers. They stay in the nest.

Yeah, it's a cockney. Oh, okay. They stay in the nest. So if you looked in a pigeon nest in breeding time, you would see loads. Oh, well, I must remember to look in a pigeon. nest at breeding time.

Well, I know that another reason is that they spoil them. They treat them like surrey crews a bit. They over-indulged them. Yeah. Do they have pigeons? Yeah. They spoil them in the, you know, they mollycoddle them. Yes.

And they don't let them leave the nest until they're older. Well, my granddad used to keep pigeons. And when they're babies, they are hideously ugly. Right. They really, and then when the feathers start to come through, they come through like horrible grey spines. So do they not want people to see them? Is that why they keep them in the nest?

They keep them inside, basically, because they're freaks. Oh, well, that's got to the bottom of that. So, yeah, what else? Well, do you remember we were talking about encounters with the Queen earlier? Oh, yeah. I remember that. It was only about 20 minutes ago. What do you think I am?

Hannah and Bracknell is sent through a little story, which I quite like. Okay. She says, morning, you lot, talking about the Queen reminds me of the time when I served her dinner. I was offering peas, and she said, I didn't realize there'd be this much. I also... But she counted them? Is she like rain, man? who could go off, 351 piece.

Quite a lot, isn't it? She said, I also spied her little gold hook that she hangs on the table to hang her handbag on. I love one myself. I love that detail. I, um, what does, oh yeah, I met the Duke of Edinburgh, right? I presented a Duke of Edinburgh award and, um, at the palace. And, uh, he was, there was a loads of kids.

They had quite a nice time. They were all school kids. And as he was leaving, he turned around, he went, oh, by the way, Merry Christmas, everyone. It was like mid-October. Everybody, even the kids, well, in truth, we all went, Merry Christmas, because obviously it's a Duke of Edinburgh. But then we all just looked at each other. All the kids started going, you know how kids did that thing?

There's a sound that you only ever do when you're a child. When you go, that sounds, when a laugh comes out your nose. A nose laugh, I'm calling it. Yeah, it was such a weird and bizarre. thing that he does to get himself out of a scrape just whenever he could not got something to say he just says Merry Christmas everybody

and then goes Well like I say it was October I mean it was you know it was in the ballpark but it was very very roughly in the ballpark to say the least So you've been having a crazy bachelor week haven't you? Yeah Laura and Ethan

are both in my wife and baby are in Spain They went to Spain for the week So I was all by myself And most of the week I spent in life London, but then on Thursday I was at home all by myself. Did you play at any point, Eric Carman's, all by myself? I played nothing else.

I once went up to a man playing the didgeridoo in Edinburgh and said, do you do, could you play Eric Carman's all by myself? And he looked at me in horror, because I don't think they did the tunes, as it turns out, on the didgeridoo. I thought he might be to go, They refuse, because I think, yeah, they think they could do that. But no. But from experience, you know, the thing, when the cats away, the mice will play. In my experience, when the cats away, the mice get very depressed.

Oh. And forget to eat. I forgot to eat completely until very late in the day. You forgot to eat. Why did you forget to eat? Well, I thought, because there was no one around, earlier in the day, I thought, I haven't been for a run for eight, like, probably years since I've been for a run. So I went for a run. Yeah, basically. I went for a run and then stopped at the news paper shop.

Were you formally conjoined? Yeah, her going to Spain was a bit of a stretch. Yeah. Did she take the, she took the baby, though? Yeah, she's at the baby. I'm glad, just as well, really. No, yeah. Oh, you forgot the baby. You haven't fred it for two days. So you forgot I've never heard of anybody

forgetting to eat Well we didn't have anything in the house And then so I went for a run And went to the co-op And I just couldn't decide what Because Laura helps me decide things It's Oh

And because I was a bit low energy Because I hadn't eaten I just didn't have the decision-making energy Well you're lucky you got to the co-op Could have been Halford's It's completely open It's up for grabs Just gnawing on

a bike helmet for hours if I went to Halford's Yeah, exactly. If only Ed Byrne, was it? Ed Byrne, those of you have tuned in to hear Ed Byrne this morning. Well, he's still in a ditch. He's in the swamp, is where he is. Stood us up.

There's a ditch outside of his house. Right. That's what they said, wasn't it? And basically, he's in his driveway. Is he driven into his own mooch? Oh, no. Well, I hope they're obviously, you can get hurt. Let's hope they're not hurt.

Has he got a moat? Is he like Henry the 8th or something? Oh, I like him now. He's a bit like Henry the 8th, yeah. And yes, so... Stood up by Ed Byrne, does that make us Burns victims? That's absolutely excellent. Well, if he does turn up, we can give him the third degree. Anyway, I'm starting to think.

I'm going to ask Emma, our producer. Who's also the producer, actually, of the Dave Gorman show on Sunday mornings at 10 o'clock. Oh, have you heard it? It's really good. I haven't heard it, no. Emma, any news on Ed Byrne? He's still in a ditch. He's still in a ditch. What, he's spent the whole Saturday morning in a ditch.

This is a man who's thought, which would I rather do? Do the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio or just be in a ditch? I'm going to go ditch. Well, if the ditch is very close to your house, it's just so much more convenient. Well, you're obsessed with it being close. Do you smell a rat? I've told you once. Do you smell a rat?

Oh, no, I'm not having it. He'll be, he'd be it if he could. Do you think there's some skull-duggery? Do you think him and his wife are just sitting up in bed, having a cigarette, going, oh, thank God we're not doing that, Frank Skinner. Well, hold on, I'm going to go to the Frank Skinner shot. I'll just put the car in the dick. Hold on, I'm just hacking into the RAC emergency calls thing. No, it does say Irishman in ditch.

So, yeah, what I... Oh, yeah, you're home alone. this last week. Yeah, it's, it's, I do what I like, but I like the fact that you're not one of these men who says the wife was away, so I got a pole dancer in or something like that. You actually just sat staring at the wall crying.

Yeah, yeah. That was my day. It was like that, and I haven't got any friends either, so that helped. Well, you have got friends. You've got me and Emily. Yeah, they don't live in Bournemouth, though. That's the thing.

I live in Bournemouth, and when you're, you know, I spend all my time somewhere else. I don't spend much time in Bournemouth. Otherwise, I'd have lots of friends there. Oh, of course, yeah. But there'd be things like the donkey man. The donkey man. There's a donkey man, surely, at Bournemouth.

It leads don't know. I didn't mean he was some terrible freak show character. It was sort of, you all right, Jeff? Oh, I'm fine, thanks. Oh, that cross on your back's getting worse. Tell me about it. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Thanks for his radio days.

Fred Berners turned up. Woo! Hello. Good morning, Ed, how are you? I'm very well. Must have been terrible in the ditch. It was terrible in the ditch. My whole life flashed before my eyes.

Did it? Well, that probably has made good research for this interview. It was. It was helpful. Now I remember everything that happened. Ed, have you met Gareth? Hello, Gareth. I'm a fan of your work.

Oh, hi, Ed. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, I know all about you. Do you know about me? Yeah, I like that Alanis Morescento we used to do. Oh, yes, that's very old. Yeah, they're getting on like a house on fire. We'll even do it. Yeah, exactly.

So, you're on tour at the moment, Ed? I am. It's this tour's called Different Class, and in the poster, it's like that pulp album. You know the Pulp Album, Different Class. I don't know that, no, Ed. Do you know it, Gareth? Yeah, yeah, I know quite a lot about that Okay, good

Have you two met before by the way Yeah, we've spent some time Yes, I know Gareth from Scouts Oh, you're in Scouts We're in the scouts together Can I just say, I think it's very respectful The way you never talk over each other

Yeah, exactly I'm the only person Gareth doesn't talk over You'll notice Yeah, but you know Garrett's getting better all the time at that I think, isn't it? Yeah, that's Okay, so you've also got a DVD coming DVD out's called different class based on the

Pope album. Oh, your accent's changing a bit there, Ed. It's developed, my accent's very fluid. My accent's very fluid. It changes over interviews. Yes. Yeah. It does. Well, Ed, thanks for coming in. It was a long way to come I know. And I think respect to the RAC for managing to tell that.

Thanks for having me. I'm sorry about the whole ditch thing. I didn't see the ditch there and it just happened. No, sometimes they just loom. out of the mist, don't know. But anyway, it was worth the trip. So, go and see Ed Byrne live and go and buy his DVD. Thanks again, Ed. It's a pleasure.

I did The Never Mind the Bozcocks this week. I like The Never Mind the Buzzcox. I actually said, No, Never Mind the Buscox. It was a bit of a no, no, no, no, no, at the beginning. I did Nevermind the Bozcox, and I spoke to the producer on the fact. I mean, it's recorded like two weeks in advance, so you haven't missed it. if you're that bothered and I said who else is on

and he said oh Calvin Harris is on I said oh great great I had no idea who that was and I just felt pathetic after a bloke trying to pretend that he knows all the hot music obviously I googled him but I felt bad about it

I don't like lying in any area of life but why do we do it I lie I lie about I know you how dare you films I lie about you know when you say you've seen a film why do you do it it's really

oh yeah when someone says have you seen taxi driver and I say oh yeah I love that and they say what about that bit and you say I haven't seen it for ages and it's just yeah I tell what I lie like if people I have no sense of direction

what I mean whatsoever but people stop me in London and say do you know where the Dominion Theatre is and I'll say yeah go straight here and then you just bear right you'll be able to see it and I have no I could be sending them in the opposite direction.

I have no idea. That is a dreadful thing to lie about. But I just can't say no. I simply can't say, I'm just a girl who can't say no. I once lied about having seen a film. I once met Ron Howard, you know, the director. Oh, yeah, Ron Howard. Richard Cunningham.

Yeah. And he mentioned Apollo 13. And I just really wanted him to like me. He went, oh, yeah, I love that film. And because he directed it. And I hadn't seen it. Thank God it was a film. I think it hadn't been a film.

And what if it had said, no? what do you mean? It's a play idea. That would have been very... But then he wouldn't stop talking about it. Yeah, what if he said, oh, did you like that bit where they landed on the moon? Yeah. Oh, well, they didn't land on the moon. Yeah, well, that's like to see. So what about that, eh?

That's worth making up films. Have you seen Tomorrow's People? Have you seen that with Ed Williamson? Yeah, it's great. Well, you haven't because I just made it up. Me and my best friend Jane used to do that. We used to make up bands to test other people to see if they were lying. Oh, that is spite.

We said, do you like Animal Magnet? fallout, it's great. And the other one is that, when you decide you're not going to go somewhere, so you do that, I'm in a ditch thing. Oh, no. Oh, this is, no, no, we believe. We do believe him. We believe, obviously, we believe him.

We're worried. I'm worried about him. So the fourth plinth thing that's been going on in Tavala Square has stopped now. Oh, it's all over. When he went past, there was a slightly embarrassing member of the public on there, which I came to look forward to, really. But it's gone now And they're looking

They said they want to put a statue on there That symbolises modern British life That's what the person So they're hunting around for someone Yeah Who would you have? I think I'd have the twins from X Factor Oh God

Yeah I think that's to me It's modern British life That you know fools Where the fools prosper I kind of like that They look like two characters From a children's fairy tale drawn by a cynical German in the 19th century.

They're very spindly. Yeah, spindly. And I can imagine I'm going, Oh, come into a little Rome, I don't. So I imagine they really speak. And they'll come to a sticky end, I reckon. Oh, I shit, they'll come to a sticky end. I'm fairly confident of that, yeah.

Who would you have on the plinth, Gareth? Somebody who symbolises British society as it is today. Who would that be? I don't know. What about, Gart? My favourite, Foxy Bingo. Foxy Bingo. would sum up.

Yeah. In a little three-piece suit. I think they should go a bit wilder, and diamond. Yeah, we could have had that. That would have been a great phoning, didn't it? It's too late now, obviously. But yeah, someone who's... Maybe Cameron, who won Big Brother, the guy from the own to Ebredis.

I'd have to label that quite well, well. I imagine he's labelled at all times. He asked that a T-shirt that says Cameron, who won Big Brother. Anyway, look, that's the end of the show. It's been a strange old day today. I'm still worried about Ed Byrne in a ditch. I mean, it's not where you want to spend your days, is it? It's right.

It's ready of your days. It could go one of two ways. They've covered the whole studio in cobwebs because it's Halloween. It looks like my bedroom in here. It looks like, I feel like I'm working in my navel. It's just thick grey cobwebs everywhere you look. Oh, there is a pumpkin as well on the, on the, is that the mantelpiece?

I'm calling it the mantel paste, but it's not, is it? It's a ledge. You're a ledge, I know that much. The mantel piece, like it's some Dickensian drawing room we're in. Well, that's what it feels like. I'm looking for Miss Havisham's wedding cake. That's what I'm looking for. It's over here next to me.

Oh, God, I'm sorry to touchy subject. Yeah, it's Halloween, which I'm not that bothered about. Why not? Because when I was a kid, no one even mentioned Halloween, to be honest. And then it's a very, it's an American import, isn't it? You agree with that. Trick or treating meant something quite different. I don't mean, I reckon, when you were growing up.

I don't, I'm not at all keen. Although I did, I did like, I like the fact that, you know, Christopher Lee, right? You know, Christopher Lee, for years, has been trying to shrug off the Dracula thing. It gets really angry about if people mention Dracula, about being typecast and all that. And his big moment yesterday, he got a knighthood, and it was the day before Halloween. So every headline is saying something like fangs for the memory. He shouted at me once, Christopher Lee. Did he?

Yeah. I was having a phone conversation. Did you let a ray of sunlight into this chamber? I was walking around with a steak. No, I was on the phone to him, and I was working on a TV show, and he got really cross of it. He went, how dare you? Don't say that.

What did you say to? Is this holy water? Get it away from me? He's very demanded like that. I can't remember he was angry about something. You took it his lunch order. It's no garlic in his pinini. So what upset?

I didn't like him when he was angry. It was something somebody had said about one of the Lord of the Rings films, which I think was he edited out of some of it or something? I think, yeah, was he not in the main film, but only in the extended one for one of them, I think. And someone had quite unreasonably pointed this out and he got across about it. Yeah. What did he say to you?

He just went, look, my dear, I have never been so insulted. It was one of those conversations. There's lots of look, my dear. I remember going to see the Lord of the Rings. When you're leaving, I went to the premiere of the First Lord of the Rings film, and they ask you for your comments on the film at the press. And I really thought it was rubbish. And that's quite difficult when you know you're going to go and eat someone's gatto.

You feel an obligation to be nice about the film. I just couldn't. And I said it felt like a very long night playing Dungeons and Dragons with Enya on the high film. And they never used that quote. So in a way, I got my own back on Sir Christopher's behalf. We've had some nice texts so far. Frank up here in Scotland, this is one of the texts. Frank up here in Scotland.

I know, I can see you from here. Clearly you're not up there in Scotland. Frank, up here in Scotland, we have always celebrated Halloween, but we call it going out guising. And the kids have to sing a song or tell a joke to get some sweets, nuts or a toffee apple, etc. The Americans took it from us and sold it to the English. Well, that sounds good.

I'm happy with kids. They've taken the threat out of it, haven't they? Because they haven't said, if you don't give us some sweets, we'll set fire to your car. But I like the idea of kids sing. That's a bit like Carol singing. Exactly. Well, sounds a bit like X Factor.

It does, yeah. See, we didn't do anything for Halloween. By this point, we were very busy penny for a guy, and that was our thing, right? Well, actually, someone has texted in Frank and said, I'm with you on the trick or treating, Frank. We used to wait until Halloween had gone by, then do Penny for the Guy. Yeah, Penny for the Guy.

There was even people who cheated on Penny for the Guy. The idea were Penny for the Guys, you'd get a pair of trousers, fill it with newspaper, jumper, jumper fill it with newspaper, you know what I mean? I'm fobic about those guys, though. They make you feel sick. Just those horrible loose trousers with the newspaper in it. It's horrible. Yeah. Anyway, so some people, some people, they didn't even do that.

You'd see them collecting. They'd have a teddy bear with a jumper on. I hated that. That really annoyed me. My mum told us the story, because we were talking with Laura, and Laura hadn't heard of the stories of my mum, and I think my mum was quite rough when she was young. She used to be in a lot of fights and stuff. And she said they... What? Are you being fights?

Yeah. She used to, like, yeah, people. used to try and beat her up, so she had beat up them first. She had quite a reputation around Slough, apparently. Bruiser Richards. Yeah, well, it was Snowball in those days. Her maiden name was Mary Snowball. No, you're joking. No, it's honestly that her maiden name was Mary Doreen Snowball.

That was the throna. Well, apparently it's a Geordie name. Mary Snowball? Yeah. Is she her wrestling name? Yeah, no, it sounds like that. I think in Geordieland, everyone's named up for some sort of fight. That wasn't like a witness protection programme name.

No. Yeah, that's true. But what she said about a penny for the guy is one year they were so poor, they didn't have any stuff, so she pretended to be the guy. Right. If people didn't give a penny, she had bought him. I can't believe. You're such a gentle person, ain't it?

Your mother, it was some... Oh, I'm fascinated by it. Doreen Snowball. No, Mary Snowball. Mary Doreen Snowball. Oh, it was all. Well, maybe we'll find more of that. Let's get her on.

It's cool, friends, regular days, I don't win days as in stupor, and mean days as in the sevens of the week, so this is a take-out, a bloke.