The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: Doggy Dental

Episode Date: June 3, 2026

Another day in 2014 and Frank has been living a hermit's life, with nothing to do but chat up the meter man. Meanwhile, Alun pays for some shiny teeth for his dogs (canine canines if you will) and Emma considers an Ivy League suitor. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Well, I've had an odd week. I haven't. I went four days straight without... I went four days straight. Wow. And you know what I loved it? No, I went four days straight without leaving the house, except ones to take the rubbish out.

Just once in the four? In four days. And that was, obviously, it doesn't take me very far to take the rubbish out. It didn't even go in your new garden. Have you got a garden? No. You've got a garden, but it's wet. It's a bit wet.

I don't know if you've heard. It's been quite a bit of rain just lately. Well, I live 200 and odd miles from you, and I didn't know if it's been raining in your bit. Yeah, but he's in the lowlands. It's been all right. Yeah, it's weird. It was like being a politician in Burma.

Just staying here. Yeah, just staying here. Yeah, but it was... You're doing a Salinger. That's what I call it when I stay in. But you can tell what happened. At one point, a man came to read the meter, and I got really quite excited, started chatting to him.

Really? They don't want to make conversation those people. Well, they've come to do a job. Yeah, oh yeah, I've gone up in free. Well, that's the tragic thing about it. It was like Michael Douglas in, is it falling down? Yeah, when he pretends he's got a job and he gets up. It was like that.

I was getting up, getting shaved, getting clean, and then just sitting around the house. Oh, dear. Oh, see, I would take full advantage and not get dressed. No, I'd have been in my gown. What about when the meter man came? Exactly. I'd have still been in my gown. I would have been checking. My gown?

My gown. My dress and gown. Yeah. My words were like in the arm trousers. Madame de Pompidoo. Yeah. That's what you sound like. I've often thought that. Yeah.

Yeah. I was so proud as well that I knew where the metre was because I only moved in, you know, a few weeks ago. And I'm not a terribly practical man. No. I completely guessed. He said, where's your meter? I said, no, it's in here. I had no idea.

I went in and there it was. Open the door. There was a loo in there. I felt, I felt pretty good about it. It reminded me. I used to drive a scoda. And it went... It went flat, you know.

Oh, yeah, the battery. Yeah, and a man, I was struggling with it, and a man very kindly stopped and got jump leads out and says, I'll do this, I'll give you a hand. I couldn't find the battery. Uh-oh. And we looked for the battery, and we couldn't find it, and in the end, he just had to go.

And he just couldn't wait any longer. Oh, so embarrassed. So, yeah, so... I can't... I don't know. What's the idea is I thought maybe I should start working from home. So I've got like a top room, like a Garrett. You know the artist in his Garrett?

Right. Yes. I've seen you, Steve Garrett. Yeah. So it's a bit like that. I'm like, you know, the wife in Jane here? Yes. Who's sort of kept in the attic and then I think dies in a fire.

Is it Grace Paul, I believe. Like that? Is that what she's called Grace Paul? I believe so. That's what you're like. I'm like that. I'm like the mad, the mad, the mad, spouse who's been locked away to avoid public embarrassment, and then has been caught talking to

the metre man, and the whole thing's had to be explained away. That's what I felt like. But it's odd. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone staying in. I'm just, I'm puzzled as to why you didn't go out if you're up and dressed. Well, I had no reason. I'm not a person who, you know, in EastEnders, they'll say, I'm just going out, get some air. Yeah. And you know they're having an affair. Right. But does anyone go out for some air? Like, there is an air. Air indoors. God, my wife does that.

Do you think she's having an affair? Yes. She's on EastEnders. 100%. 100%. There's a basic. I mean, physics. You know, to be an expert on physics, so now that you don't have to go outside to get... Unless you live in a decompression chamber, which almost no one does in this country anymore. Our house is a massive...

But you want to feel like you've done... I've done that. I've been corrected. Regrace Paul. Corrected? Yes. Hi, Franken team. Bertha Mason was Mr. Rochester's wife in the attic. She was looked after by Grace Paul. I see. I do apologise for you. Can I just say, I like the way that you put your tour

onto that text at the start. Hi, Frankenteam! Well, I think you should apologise to me. What if I'd gone off and someone had said to me or it's a bit like Mr. Rochester's wife and I said, what, Grace Paul, I'd have made a right fool with myself. Mr. Rochester, that's Jane here, isn't it? Yeah.

Why isn't she called Rochester then if she is the mad wife? She's called Rochester's wife, but she does have a name, Jim Davidson. Yeah. He's Birton Mason? Why isn't... Burton Mason. No, Bertha. Bertha.

Bertha Mason, Rochester, though. Yeah. I don't know. These female novelists. So, um... Well, that's the thought I read Sylvia Plath for the first time this week. Not that good. I received...

Is this like misogyny literary corner? Is that what's happened? No, I don't think there are many, many. I love that as a poster quote. Not that good. Not that good. I expected so much, I thought it was a bit six-form. Oh, thank.

Anyway. She was a troubled individual. Maybe I need to adjust my aerial. Anyway, carry on. Okay. I... I... I got a Christmas present this week that arrived.

That's always exciting, isn't it? Is it somebody that hung on for the January sales? It was one that was sent to my previous about. Oh. So I had a bit of a treat. I had two Christmas presents and some cards all mid-January. Lovely. I was half the time to get the trimmings back up.

Really? And I thought now... Straight in the bin. But also the cards had come off the presents, you know, when that happened. So I don't know who sent them. But I got some... I'll tell you what I got it. I got some beats by Dr. Dre.

I didn't even know... Yeah, Barrett is a greengrocer now. Very good. No, they're called Beats Wireless. Oh, yes, I'm familiar with them. Yes, so they're a... What colour are they, Frank? Red, aren't they?

Oh, okay. Well, they come in different colours, I think. I think they may have been true. I was just imagining they might be white and I was getting slightly alarmed. I don't know what colour they are because I can't see round the corner of my head. Do you know what I?

and you put them on. Yes, you didn't take them out of the box. You don't think I put them on and looked in the mirror. But as you were lifting them towards your head, you might have seen what colour they were. Did I mention they were wrapped? Oh. Hey?

They were wrapped. Right. He's doing like a wrapping pun. No, I'm not doing a wrapping pond, but it could be a doctor-dry. Anyway, no, I don't remember. They were just like headphones. All right. They didn't have a distinctive hue.

Okay. Okay. Okay, so, um, I've never had a pair of wine. wireless head fans before. And it was quite exciting. And Dr. Dre kindly puts a bit in the box all about how they work

and about how we can listen like the musicians listen that we'll now hear beats and sob rhythms. That we don't often pick up on normal headphones. That's all missing from my life, yeah. Yeah. So far on them, I've listened to Test Match Special.

And Garrison, Keelers, the writer's almanac. Lovely. Oh, and Doctor Who, Podshock. But we're not going to mention Doctor Who on the show anymore. That's the New Year's Resolution. So I don't know if I'm getting the full beats. The benefit. Yeah.

It sounds like you've listened to no beats on your beats. No, and what I need is God this question time. Yeah, but I mean, they're lovely, and I love not having a wire. That's great. It often gets caught a bit on my buttons. I do. I prefer that. When I was working for the police, I found it a nightmare. Yeah, I was an informer, yeah. You've gone a bit G, Frank, and I like it.

A bit G? Yeah. Well, you know, me and Dre go back. I saw Drey supporting Eminem at Brickston Academy many years ago. When he was a junior doctor, won't it? Before he qualified. He was a locum. Yeah, and he was, he was.

He was very fine, you know, for a man shouting. But now here I am listening to Test Match Special and these specially designed headfants. I love it. Who'd have seen that coming when I was at the Brickston Academy? I mean, oh. We got this email before Christmas, but I'm curious about the outcome, so we're covering it now. Christmas couldn't come early enough in our house,

not for the usual reasons, but because a rather whiffy dilemma has landed upon me, the eight gallons of shower gel that was presented to me last Christmas day is about to run dry. I have watered down the last bottle to the point where it's almost drinkable. I estimate that I have just one more washes worth remaining. So the question is, not whether I buy some more, brackets, unthinkable. Oh, yeah. But do I have my last wash now or wait until Christmas Eve? Any help would be appreciated.

Well, there's an interesting point here, because I think, I think, I don't think I, I buy, um, deodorant, but I don't buy, shower things and stuff, because people buy, people buy, um, buy it for you. Yeah. They gift you. And you don't want to buy it just before Christmas and then get a load of free stuff from people. I'm the same with socks.

I mean, imagine if I've been out and bought some beats by Dr. Dre and then I've got another. Is there not a specific, a specific scent that you feel attached to? No. Oh, okay. In fact, I'll go this far. Not so long ago. Not so long ago, I went that please don't sent a shiver through my body. I'll tell you why.

Just remind me of a terrible conversation. No, I'll tell you on here. What do I care? Of course he will. Yeah, I ran out of both soap and shower gel. And I actually use, you know those sort of fizz bombs you put in the bath. Oh, yeah. I showered with one of that.

You didn't. That was like showering with an Alka-Seltzer. Yeah, it is. It's an element. It reminded me of moon dust. Do you remember that stuff? Used to get in, it's like a sweet, but it exploded in your mouth. Oh, yeah.

You talk about the prohibition era. No, you could be hoisted by your own sure bear. And, yeah, it wasn't terribly successful. Oh, dear. Also, I'd say when I was a kid, can I ask you this question? Please do. Or maybe I should come back to... Please don't.

Please don't. I'll tell you what happened. We've bookmarked it, so come on. I'll tell it you now. I went to the opening night of the sound of music. Do you remember when it was that girl that won the first one of those talent shows? Connie. Yes, I do remember.

The Redhead. Yeah. And I went along to the show, and afterwards I was talking to Andrew Lloyd Weber, who produced the whole damn thing. And I said, there's one thing. Can I just say one thing about the show And he said, please don't And it was terrible

You know, because it was going to be And it was actually just about The bows at the end And I thought that the music came into Didn't give her a chance for her to get her full applause It wasn't a criticism of the show But ALW went please don't

But the way he said it Please don't I mean you can imagine when he sneers You can imagine what that's like Yeah It just sent a shot a I think he'd had bad feedback and he was sort of saying how bad enough? Or do you think he'd had universally positive feedback?

And he was thinking, even your positive feedback are not interested in. I think he was probably thinking, I don't want people like you trying to tell me about a successful theatre show. Yeah, but Frank, it's like someone coming up to you after a gig, you would say similar, I feel. Yeah. Can I just say, imagine if I just said one I came, can I just say one thing? I'd say, please, don't. Yeah. You know, I know what you mean.

Yes, okay. And we get email jokes here. Nevertheless. Please don't. Yeah. May you live 10,000 years. Thank you so much. I certainly feel like it.

Well, can I ask a question? When I was at school, we used to regular, if you didn't have time to wash your hair in the morning, we used to rob talcum powder into our hair and then sort of swish it out again. And it takes all the grease on. off your hair. I thought that was a thing women did. I didn't realize men did it in the history.

In history? What do you think he was? So Walter Rale? Yes, I'm not talking about a powdered peri week. I'm talking about using... No, it's one of those things. You know, when you think, did I make... I don't think that really happen. Do people still do that? Yes. I thought ladies do. We do. What we have... Do you still do it? Yes. I use something called dry shampoo.

Shah. No, but that's different. I'm on about talc. The other option is... The basis of it is talc, really. And we also used to do that thing about conditioner. You'd use that as a sort of gel. Oh, really? So you'd put a condition on your hair and just leave it. Oh.

The punks would put soap on their hair, wouldn't they, for the spikes? Well, I used to... That's how I washed my hair. I would basically wash my face with soap and then just keep going. Really? And do the hair with soap as well. Oh, lovely. Keith, of course, used 1001 carpet cleaner on his hair.

As I've said before, absolutely true. How many guineas did it cost? And he did it because he read that somebody from the pretty things, Peter May or something like that. Peter May, I think, was a Test Masked Cricket. Frank, what was the ad campaign for 1001 Carpet Clean? It was 1001 cleans a big, big carpet for less than half a crowd. People think, oh, that's the advert to make a cup of tea. Oh, no, it isn't?

Failed for that completely. Don't women sometimes just wash their fringe if they're in a rush and they can't be bothered to do the whole thing? They do. Or put a fake fringe in. Or you can buy fake fringes now. Can you buy fake fringes? Yeah, have you not seen them? No, I've never seen a fake fringe.

Fake fringes are great. How does that work? It's fake and it's a fringe. That was a very good, that was a very good bar um that you did. Frank fringe is a great, but um, it's like, you know, old comedians do it. How dare you? And they're saying like, I said I could. but I'll have to walk a bit differently, but...

I don't know where I could be picking up these inflections from. No. Infections? Oh, sorry. I said that sounds like, I don't know where I'm picking up these inflections from, but... I used to do that thing of tying cotton to my tooth and then tied it to the door handle and slamming the door. I must have done three or four teeth like that. Works. Yeah?

Do you think that's what he did? Yeah. People used to put down their own pets because you don't want to pay someone to do what is essentially a straightforward. We've just paid 200 quid to get the dog's teeth brushed. Might have them pulled out? You are joking. I've done that. That's the most glamorous anecdotes you've ever told on this show.

I'd have done that for 40 quid. All right. Well, next time they get a bit plucky, I'll book you in, yeah. 40 quid. You'd be able to eat off that dog's teeth. Are you honestly paid 200 quid to get the dog's teased? I think it was more than 200.

I mean, I can text my wife and find out the exact financial... I tell you what, dog dentist, there's money in that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's keeping them in the chair, though. I think it's a vet that does it rather than a dentist.

It's very hard to keep them in the chair. No, I don't want to be vet. I want to be dog dentists. What about the breath coming up of? Oh, God. They don't like a dental floss either. No, she doesn't ploss. Oh.

I can report that. She doesn't floss. She just doesn't like the feeling Okay She's like me, then she gets them whitened I'll put you in touch with someone That would be even better The thing is they don't need to get unwhiten

Because why dog's teeth always look so good It's because they've got purple gums If our gums were darker I'll bear that in mind No but my brother used to use Gordon Moore's toothpaste Which is toothpaste That makes your goms go dark red

So that your teeth look white Oh yeah I must take tips from the person use carpet cleaner on his hair. This is my other product. This is our Terry. What a family. We've taken doors. We've done a bit of anything and tidying.

It's a walk-down. Paying for the dog's teeth brushing cost over £200. I have texted my wife to find out the exact figure, but she's reluctant to tell me, which makes me think perhaps there's some small-scale fraud taking place. How often do they make? their teeth do in?

Quite a while. Yeah, it's... Well, we've only had the dog a few years, so, you know, just let it build up and I think they have to get pulled out. There's not a man coming around every night and every morning. No, no. Oh, yeah.

That vet guy, he's really keen, isn't it? He's rich. He's in his car. But, news just in, if I wasn't sure, I could just ask the dog in a few months' time, because they reckon we're four months away from a dog to English translation becoming a reality.

I've always wanted that. Haven't you always wanted that? I, uh, it would make it my life somewhat easier if the dog could just turn around and go, I need my teeth cleaned. Why, is he going to talk like Dennis Rodman? Even though it's a whipet, I don't think a whipet's voice is like, there's probably more like... I think it would be how...

Actually, I think my... Yeah, exactly. I have quite a lot of plaque. I wonder if that could be dealt with. That's exactly how she'd speak. I choose a dog then on the basis of what their voice was like if they could start talking. Yeah. I don't think they're going to start talking.

That's not the plan. No, I don't want to know then. I should just give the story. What will happen? The Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery is hoping to raise money to do a dog to English translation. And it actually says in the article, dog to English, even though they're from Sweden, I believe. Dog to human. Dog to human.

He should be dog to human, but they're put in the article, dog to English. and it's the Swedish saying, we're so competent in language that even when we get a dog to speak, we're going to put it in our second or third language. Even our pets are more bilingual than you people, the English. It's called No More Woof. No More Woof. That sounds like someone who's agreed to give up Arson.

No More Wolf. There's scientists, and that's the best name they could come up with. I know, but they're, you know. And also the will be woof. They'll be woof. It just that we'll be able to understand what it means. Yeah, but they're not like us. They reckon patterns discovered so far include... They're like a jumper.

The Nordic sciatis. Imagine the new way of that is. They'd fit in very well with this group of people. Well, you looked distinctly Nordic. I do not have got a Nordic look. I always wished you were. I'd say you have a Slavonic root if I had to... Well, I would.

Yeah, if I had to guess. So the messages they're going to be able to communicate, it's quite basic, isn't it? It's things like, I'm hungry. I'll stamp that out of them. I won't allow anyone... I'm going to teach them to say other things. But you know when a dog's hungry, don't you? No, but I'm going to teach them to say a moment on the lips of lifetime on the hips.

Yeah. They're not going to speak any feels. They're not going to be like minor birds. They are going to be making exactly the same sounds, is the theory. But we'll be able to know. But you know when a dog's hungry, because he barks outside the butchers. Right. You know what I mean?

You know when they're happy the tail wags? You know when they're being told off? Because they, you know, they do that thing when they don't meet your eye, they look to one side a bit when you're telling them off. Yeah, totally. So you can speak, dog, you don't even need this. I don't, we have an understanding. We used to have a, our night, Mrs. Weston used to come round. And our dog, our dog attacked everyone.

I say our dog, you are referring to the legendary chef. I am. Shepp attacked everyone who came to the house. He used to go round and round in a circle, I'm urinating. And he used to be trying to bite their shoe laces, if they had shoelaces. Or he'd John pop down again and just tick the fingertip. Really? So we did it to everyone, and she used to always say,

oh, he can smell our dog on me. Mm-hmm. Or, you know, people say this. Yeah, I do. And I always used to say, when she said it, I'd repeat it back to her, in the start of a Catholic priest doing a chant. So I would say...

Yeah, you did. I did. I would go, He can smell our dog on me. And she was, I don't know if she ever really knew why I did you. Did any of us know? I don't know. It must have been such a strange figure in your street.

I still occasionally do it. And I'm in the house of my own, which is quite a lot, you know. You can smell a dog on me. I, uh, I wore a sweater last week on this show. For a new lip, a bright yellow tulip and you wore a red, red rose. Did I miss an email? Should I have known that that was going to happen? Are we all meant to join in now?

Sorry, I turned two pages. Sorry, Bill. I wore a sweater on this show last week that I had got, I'd taken delivery of it before I left the day before, so I wore it last Friday. You bought it Saturday. You buy your sweaters on Amazon? I buy my sweaters online, yeah.

Makes a change from the secret boob tube you normally favour. Yes. And I then wore it at some point every day for the whole week, every single. Is that fine? Yeah, well, that's what I did with. I think it's new. I think I'm a bit in love with it. I think, although you poo-poohed my suggestion,

that you might as well get your moniesworth out of a new piece of knitwear because it's never the same again once it's been washed. Once they bubble. You seem to be following the same rule. That could be exactly what it is. Can I say my Christmas jumper, which I've also loved, has been washed this week. Not the same? Verdict.

How's it bearing up? It feels like we're in a sub-butio pitch. There's no giving it at all. No give, no spring. Well, the toughness of the cheap wall, if you'll forgive me for being direct about the time. I don't think it was cheap. Can you get cheap wall? Yes, you can.

Very cheap. I'll talk to you about it afterwards. I haven't got time now. It doesn't grow on trees, does it? It grows on sheep. That's how they get it. You do. Shit, I didn't mean anything.

Carry on. No. But what surprised me is even towards the end of the week, I'm still producing belly button fluff that's got the same fabric of the jumper. And you're wearing a t-shirt underneath, are you? On the one at home, yeah. But you wear a t-shirt underneath, you know?

Yeah, yeah, or a shirt. Sometimes I favour a denim shirt, as you know. Can I tell you something? It's a delayed residue. It's a squalid topic. I don't want to expand. But it's pretty button fluff that is squalid, I don't know. I haven't had belly button fluff since I've been.

I was 14. I haven't not had belly button flushes, so I'm like a machine. What is it with me that I don't get it? I don't understand why I'm still getting it. The inside of the jumper is practically smooth now. I do. Shower gel costs money. Whoa. Ouch. It's a good point, though. Well, we actually went on a little shop, Frank, last week, me and the cockcrow. It was a bit impromptu. It was a big impromptu.

I hope you don't mind. No one told me. I wasn't invited. Well, it was a bit impromptu. It was impromptu. We went to men's clothes browsing. last week. We went to, do you know that shop, the Liam Gallagher shop? Pretty green? Yes. Oh, yeah, I've shop there myself many times.

We went in there. What I like about the Liam Gallagher shop is that... I like that we call it the Liam Gallagher shop. The mannequins that have the clowning on have got their hands behind their back and slightly cracked. Yes. And it's like... That's a nice touch. Well, I said in a very loud voice, didn't I? When I walked in, because there's a huge picture of Liam.

And Alan's going, oh, it looks good. Yeah, it looks good. I said, well, they don't... You did. I said, I'm really loud. I said, yes, well, these people can party and they don't have to get up early the next morning. A man who looked like Paul Weller, he gave me a bit of a dirty look. But what I noticed about Alan...

Are the people in there that don't look like Paul? What I noticed is I'm a great sleeve puller. So, browsing, I'm just never happier than when I'm browsing or sleeve pulling. Really? Alan, on the other hand, he's very practical, and he has a very male approach, as you'd imagine to this. So what he does is I say, that's nice, that could work, which is how I talk about fashion. And he went, I don't actually need a court at the moment.

Yeah. I said, yeah, but I'm not, I'm looking, can't you just look at it? It's the idea of need rather than want, I think that's going to throw you. I found it was strange. We had a very different approach to it. Well, you just thought, what is the point? I said, this is a nice jump. You went, yeah, but I've got one like that.

Well, I have just over three jumpers, yeah. So I've got an abundance of jumpers at the moment. You know, you have... What's the collective now? for jumpers? That's today's texting, everyone. We've moved on from hoisting on the pittar to collect a round. I'm going to get a bobble of jumpers.

A bobble, nice. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. It's good. Yeah, I just don't need a, what was it, a jacket or a jumper. It was everything you didn't need. No, I would have bought something if it had lit my taper, as it were.

Okay. I was... When I moved house, I had caused to throw some clothes. out. And I found... You got the calls to throw your clothes? Well, what else they do? And I... What I did is, I got some suits, and I thought,

you know what? I like the jacket on this suit, and I've gone off the trousers. Because the trousers are a bit wide, and the jacket's still fine. So it was that, like... Did you keep the jacket? You know, when social services separate brothers and sisters, and it's... It's exactly like that.

I felt like that. It's very... It's something very awful about putting the trousers in the bin liner and keeping the jacket. Well, you can always do Richard Hammond with the jacket. Do the suit jacket with the pale jeans? With the afraid jean. Yeah, with the faded boot cup jeans, dragging on the floor. Oh!

And the shirt outside the trousers. And cowboy boots. Floral QI shirt outside the trouser. Yeah, I could do that. But if the options between that and jumping into a blast furnace, I'm going for that. I also, I threw quite a lot of shoes out. Did you think?

Because I tell you, I have at this thing, I buy shoes or someone gives me shoes, and they hurt me. Oh, yeah. But I don't get rid of them or do anything about that. Strangest remark, you've never made. I just, why? Well, you were saying this morning, Frank, Frank looked at his shoes and he suddenly had a moment of doubt with his shoes, didn't you? He said, are these horrible, these shoes? Well, they are shoes that look a bit like I've got them on prescription.

Yeah, they look a bit Cornish pasty. Yeah, and I'm not sure about that. But I got rid, I really bit the bullet and chugged a lot of these. And I remember thinking, as I put a pair in the bag, you've hurt me for the last time. I really, there was, I realised how much pent up rage I had. Because I think I said at the Brighton Conference, I have never had a pair of shoes that,

hurt that stopped hurting. You know, people say they were a bit Oh, I know. If they hurt me, they hurt me forever. Do you know what? It's like relationships. You are so right. And it's worse with slip-ons, isn't it, than laces? Yes. We were talking about dogs and I do feel we should return to that subject.

But stop press, because Ian has just texted in, you were talking about your shoes and how you weren't altogether happy with them and you felt they looked somewhat prescription, Frank. Ian says, I work for the company who makes shoes available on prescription, and I'm sure you would find them very comfortable and attractive. If you let me know your shoe size, I will send you a pair to try out. But don't I have to go through a doctor? Evidently not.

Is this some sort of Dr. Conrad Murray type? Well, I'm a size nine. Size nine, okay. Ian, you've got all the beats. Okay, but I don't want one of those with like the big thick soul. Oh, I do? I really want you to have one of those. Just do one.

If we're using the radio show. to get free shoes, can I just say Clark's originals or Adidas's original size 10? No, but this is a... This is prescription size 9. No, but he's going to make himself look ugly. I know I'm against asking for fraystaff. Yeah, I'm not. I'm less bothered about that. This is a medical experiment.

So are. You are. Medical experiment. We've also had an email. I didn't know you could... I feel a bit like I'm getting prescription drugs from a bloke in a park. I like that you're making it sound like you're having... the first heart transplant operation, medical experiment.

Well, it is, because what if they're really, really, really comfortable? And then after that, after ordinary shoes just feel like tight. Once you've had prescription, you never go back. Is that right? That's what Elvis told me. We've also heard from Mrs. Cockrell, 216, and that's with three exclamation marks. Okay, Mrs. Cockrell.

16 quid. I tell you, I'm afraid. She hasn't specified if that's plus VAT or ink. You know, Mrs. Rockclos said 216. Yeah. Well, that's very interesting because Kathleen Miller and North Shields has texted to say it cost me over £600 to get my dog's teeth cleaned. What?

Is it Catherine Miller or is it Dennis the Menace? Is her dog actually Nash her? No, but North Shields as well. You could get human veneers. You know what I mean? It's not like... For your dog. Well, I would. I would insist my dog. My godmother used to paint the cat's nails. We used to always do that. But I would insist... You could get cat manicures and pedicures. You know we had a three-legged cat.

My mum put a clothes peg on the stump To balance it up. Hang on, you're telling us this now. How long's this show been on the radio? Well, it's been, you know, I've had a long life. It's a bit hard to cover the whole spectrum of it. Is that right? Yeah, we had a ginger cat, and the stump

didn't look like it had been properly finished off. I can go to the other end of the scale, Frank. Can you? Because my godmother... We had a five-legged cat. Lindsay had a three-legged cat. Oh, yes. And she got Lord Linley

to make a wooden, bespoke splint for the cat. That is lovely. You had a clothes bag. Wow. The actual clothes peg. Clipped onto the... So, no, did you have three legs? Had this tight clothespeg.

And, of course... On the stump. Pinching. Yeah, on the stump. And its footprints were three, like, paws and then one, like, two-pronged thing from the end of the bird's peg. It must have been very hygienic.

Couldn't it have worked itself off, though, if it got traction in a little bit of mud. But, you know, we weren't that poor that we didn't have a spare clothes bag. Oh, good. That's a really. Just take one off the line. Yeah. Yeah, that was ours. 600 notes for some old tea.

I have to say, if I had a dog and it was going to cost 600 quid to have its teeth cleaned. Don't say it, Frank. Please don't. I wouldn't be prepared to pay that. I would not be prepared to pay that. You can draw your own conclusions as how I'd approach that problem. Okay. So...

I'm going to sashay back towards email corner. But first, the text has just come in 740. My dog has no teeth, so I've saved myself a few quid there. Awful. Dog's got no teeth? Saved between £214 and £600 by my estimate. How often? I still don't know how often they get them clean.

It gives you an insight. Not monthly. About three-yearly, I think. Three-yearly teeth cleaning. Why are you talking like a sort of medieval summer? Three-yearly. How else would I say? Once every three years.

That's more words. Thrice-yearly. You want to say thrice-yearly? Yes, I do. It wouldn't be, but thrice yearly would be three times a year. Oh, you're correct. Oh. You're correct.

It'd be trianular. Yeah, thank you, Frank. Okay. Tri-annually. The brains trust wins again. Um. E-bells. Emily, you said you wanted to date someone from MIT.

No, I surely did. But I think you might have been somewhat hasty. MIT, do, da, do it do, MIT. You remember the old SRB, sausage in a roll in a box for me, yeah. No. No. It was a film, a cinema advert. Oh, right.

SRB, SRB, SRB, a sausage in a roll in a box for me. And you used to get a hot dog. Describe as the sausage in a roll for those who weren't familiar with the colloquial term. In a wooden tray, like Bounties come. You know Bounty sit on those cardboard trays? Oh, I love those cardboard trays. But you could have MIT, MIT, Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Oh, can I just say, I'm actually going to clap that.

I love it so much. Very good. It scanned as well. I wasn't expecting it to do. Yeah, it's scanned. Anyway, can we find out about MIT? You know that both MIT and Harvard are in Cambridge. about 20 minutes walk from each other.

Did you know that? I did not. Imagine that walk, the learning that's been... MIT kids are famous for being crazy smart, but super nerdy. Harvard students are even smarter and are kids of the rich, powerful and famous. Natalie Portman, Matt Damon and Barack Obama were all at Harvard. Ray Kurzweil, Joseph Stiglitz and Richard Feynman, Google them, were at MIT. Frank. Frank won't need to Google, he'll know them. Richard Feynman.

Does he play the piano? Now, this is my theory that when you hear of something you've never heard, that suddenly you hear it two or three times. Richard Feynman was an answer on Pointless yesterday. No way. And I'd never heard of him. He's a sort of super scientist of the modern age. Is he?

Yeah. Well, they're all going to be scientists types. All going to be Faraday types. Oh yeah. Frank and Alan can correct me if I'm wrong, but I suspect there's a little twinkle of excitement at the prospect of an entire new continent of celebrity friends. You don't get that with an MIT kid. Weird coincidence, but I happen to find myself at Harvard as a research fellow, so probably

about Emily's age 29. Carry on, everyone. Everyone carry on. And we'll be back in London over Christmas and New Year, just saying. I've missed him. You've missed it. I've missed it. Mark, come back. Do you think your year extends to the middle of January? I don't know.

No, I'm going to go out of this story. But also, he's saying that MIT kids are a bit dull on that. But I saw Will I Am interviewed on the telly recently, and he said he'd been doing a course at MIT. Wow. So, you know, don't get much cooler than him. I wonder how Mrs. Am feels about him going back into education. Old Mar, I am. Yes.

Is there a Mrs. Am? No. Don't believe there is a Mrs. Am. Is he a member of the Am? Is he a member of the Am? Is he like Am Fab? Are they known as Am Fam? Yeah. I think he might be Am not.

He's not, I'm not married. Oh. Is it Will Ian Am? That's his call name. Or maybe it's Ignatius. William Ignatius Am. To see you. Mr. Am to see you.

Hi. doing? The whole thing though, is this because you said you'd like to go out with someone from MIT? Yeah, because I think it would...

I don't think I did, that was when I was in absentia. Oh. Oh, we don't talk about those times. I feel... What? You're doing later? You can't just say things

like what you're doing later. The chat-up lines are a bit different now, Frank. They're a bit more... How can I put this? They're a bit more direct. You know, they're cheap and cheerful in absentia.

There's just so, just FYI, there's no later about it. About the here and now. Yeah. So listen, this Mark character, call me, I think he sounds lovely for me. A Harvard research fellow. Do you want to go out with a... He's not a scientist. He's 29 years old.

What's he researching, though? I don't know. Why is a research fellow? He's not bringing back the wolf or whatever it is, is it? No. No more work. You know, there's researchers and researchers. There's people that are trying to save our lives and people are trying to find out what dogs are saying.

Or people doing drama. Mark, can you just email or text in, Lovey? And... Because people... These people... Do you think Lobby's put him off, Frank? The people are finding out what dogs are saying. Bear in mind the dogs are not aware of this.

It's essentially eavesdropping. Oh, yeah. It's like these people, if they're in the Chinese takeaway, and the people speak in Chinese, they think they're being talked about. It's paranoia. Let the dogs just, you know, communicate as they wish to communicate. That's my final thought on it.

No, shut up.