The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Essex Lion

Episode Date: March 4, 2026

We’re in 2012 still with Frank, Emily and Alun. Frank had a difficult holiday but found a comedy silver lining, Emily’s been to Liverpool with This Morning and Alun’s had an epic fail. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank Skinner's Radio Days, it could go on. Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days. We're still in 2012, and this time Emily has stayed at the Beatles Hotel. So I've been away for a couple of weeks on what some might call a holiday. Not Frank. On vacants. Yeah, didn't make the same mistake I made and go staycation, did you? I did go staycation?

There you go. But I think it's, I've discovered it's impossible to have what might term even generally a holiday with a three-month baby. What I feel like I've had is two weeks in a Turkish prison. No sleep. People staring at me menacingly. Lots of that smell of excrement. Trying to eat in a restaurant with a baby. Possible.

Is that tough going? Well, they scream and people don't like it. So do I, to be fair, depending on who I'm with. Yeah, well, but, you know, when the carbs come out. Yeah. There was one, yeah, exactly. There was one plus. I managed to do the same joke three times with three different waiters.

Do you find that a plus? I do. I do. I like the idea of a, because, you know, the repetition allows you to hony, the perfection. Yeah, yeah. Are we allowed to know the joke? Yeah. So what happens is you go into a posh restaurant and you're pushing a pram.

and they say they say, would you like to sit over there and they point to the table in the fur the most away from everyone. And every time I said, I'm sorry, but nobody puts a baby in the corner. I mean, it was worked every time, a tree.

I was almost looking for, I was leading them that way. Yeah. It was joyous. But it was terrible. Terrible, you say. Terrible time, yeah. Torrid.

Torrid. Yeah. Was it, what, just the lack of sleep and the... It's just you can't do anything when you got a baby. Unless you take it, you need to take it. What is it that you were planning on do now? What horse riding was it that you missed out on? Eating?

You didn't eat? I would do. We would sit down and the baby would cry. I would get up and take him out for a walk. Cath would eat on her own. I'd come back, she'd take him. I'd eat on my own. But brackets, cold food.

So my experience was slightly worse. That was it? similar to that. I might I think it might be time to get the army of nannies. I was going to say like that nice one in the omen

you could get one of those No I mean do our own goat's milk Yeah I don't remember the nice one in the omen Was she the one that flew in on an umbrella? Yeah Yeah something like that

Yeah That's Mary Poppins Did he cry a lot in the restaurant then buzz? He cried He cried and then I cried It was a... It's good that we went to Babbington House. Oh, lovely.

Very posh. Very posh. And Kath was saying to me, well, I wonder who's going to be here. I saw Russell Brown was here last week. I mean, it could be anybody at Babington House there. Did you get Russell Grant? So we saw one person I knew, and that was a bloke who sits in front of me at the West Brom matches.

So, yeah, we didn't even have any sort of celebrity. It's got the sting. But in a weird way, isn't that a good thing? Because you were on holiday. I mean, your life is in that world. Exactly. You were holiday. I was on holiday.

So I didn't want to be the celebrity. Oh, I see. You know, obviously I had to mingle, going from table to table shaking hands, that kind of thing. Like I made you dig. You know, me, all right. Meal all right. What about this?

I came in earlier and the bloke sits it over there, and I said, nobody puts baby in the corner. That's what my lunch times were like. Yeah, it was like. There used to be a hotel you could stay at where you went every morning you could buy a ticket for breakfast with Tally Savalas who was the bloca played Cojo

they let him live at the hotel and that was what he paid. I just paid him in lollipops. He had to have breakfast and be jovial and tell Shobby's anecdotes to a group of holiday makers every morning. Wow. Is anyone listening? I haven't written it off.

There's no idea. So, when at the room that I stayed in on holiday, one of the rooms I stayed in, anyway, in this hotel, had got, you know, and sometimes you get books in the hotel room. Oh, yeah. Yes. It's had Lord of the Rings in three volumes, three separate volumes. I thought, how long do people stay in this hotel? It's incredible.

And I've never read Lord of the Rings, and I thought, I'm going to the toilet, I'll take the first part of Lord of the Rings. Oh, confident. Well, yeah, I didn't anticipate getting through it. That speed reading course you did five years ago's coming and did. I thought us titles go, it's relatively apt. So I took... I'm sorry, everyone, so I took...

Fine. 837. I've always thought that people who read Lord of the Rings, I went to the film Lord of the Rings, and they asked me about it after, and I said it was like playing... I'm playing Dungeons and Dragons with Enya on the hi-fi. And they didn't print any of it.

And I wasn't invited to any of the further sequels. You're supposed to say, the argument is if you're going to eat our gatto, you can say nice things about the film. That's how a premiere works. Yeah, that's the rule. But I started reading the book. I thought it's brilliant. Oh, was it?

Yeah. To my surprise, it was brilliant. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it has been popular. There must be something. I didn't feel I could take it away. You know, it's a temptation. When you get into a book in a hotel room, can you?

I can't be doing with it for it. I like those bookshelts that said leave yours and take one of these, but you can't just take one, can you? No, would that? No. They had that in the crash. I did they? Yeah.

To be quieter baby. I thought that was a baby changing facilities. Can I have that one? That one that's sleeping. Yeah, so I, it's the first time I've read a hard copy book for about three or four months. And it felt like a bit of a treat, you know, paper. When you say that, you mean an actual physical?

Well, I do all the, I read it all on the iPad. Yeah. Because. He's got a Kindle. Well, I've got a Kindle app. I just, you know, I just couldn't take another paper cut. I couldn't. I couldn't accept it.

So I went, you know, I went technological. And it was nice to go back to an old book, especially, I thought, wonder how many strangers, people I'll never meet, have read this on the toilet. Oh, God. Frank. thought. Yeah, but it's true, though, isn't it? Yeah, all of them enjoying the irony of the title.

Yeah, well, who knows? Who knows if they'd have even thought that out? So I just wrote in the inside cover. While I was here, I went into the restaurant, and they suggested because I had my baby with me in a primate that I sat in the far distance. And when I said to the waiter, I thought I'll immortalise that.

It's going to make Tonkin like a pretty dull egg compared to that kind of repartee. Emily. You know you're quite a fan of an animal on the rampage story. Oh yeah, who isn't? Well, we all are, to be honest. I think there's been what's actually the ultimate animal on the rampage story this week. It happened while you're away.

No, I did see it. Did you see it? This is the plus of a staycation you can keep up with the news. Well, it was a pensioner who spotted this lion originally. Yeah. It was in Essex, wasn't it? There was a few people saw the Essex lion. Well, yeah, the eyewitnesses was what I liked the best, their reports.

There was one eyewitness. He said he was basically running towards people saying it's a category C-swear word lion. Yes. And then another man. I wish you'd been saying that. That reminds you of the whole joke. Remember that when there was a bloke. You're walking down the street.

You see this bloke, there's a bloke comes running down the street and says there's a lion escaped from the zoo. and he said, which way is it coming? He said, you don't think I'm chasing it, do you know? There's a man called Rich Baker, 39, from Romford. Okay. He was one. Is that Mr. Kipling, Sudan, Rich Baker? He was one of the eyewitnesses.

Was he the one who said it was one million percent a lion? He said it was one million percent a lion. I'm no mathematician, but come on. No. He doesn't strike me as a reliable news source. Rich Baker. Or mathematician. No.

There were photos, though. There were photos of what to me was very clearly a cat. A domestic cat. Yeah. I like the person who described it as having, it was a tan colour with a big mane. There was no big mane, no, I was that. It must have been looking through an in-sea dandelion at the time.

When I read the eye... A cat in a scarf. A cat in a scarf? Do you think that's what calls the Lion Rampage? A cat in an Elizabethan Roth. Do you think Essex cats are keen followers of fashion and scarfs are on trend for them at the moment? It turned out it belonged to an old people's home, didn't it?

Yeah. And it was called Tom. And I thought, come on, make an effort. Tom. Tom can't. Mrs. Aris, what should we call the cat? Tom, okay. I mean, make an effort.

And the terrible thing, I don't know if I should read this out, but the person from the old people said he's own, said he's an affectionate cat who just likes the odd stroke. Well, he's in the right place. That's what she said. One of the eyewitnesses said it was the size of two sheep put together. It's all the bit cats poor. What do you mean two sheep put to...

Is that something that dodgy second-hand sheep salesmen do? They weld the back of one sheep to the front of the other If they're involved in accidents I also particularly like Apparently you know the police knocked on the door of a circus owner Oh yeah And he said They said they came knocking

They said have you got any lions I said no I gave them away three years ago To my sons No what they said to him was have you lost any lions Come to mention it I have but I didn't think I needed reporting But Frank he said I gave them away three years years ago to my sons.

But then he said, I took the person who came, I took them to my tiger cage, and showed her the tigers who was asleep, and that seemed to satisfy her. Well, why did that satisfy? Yes, I've got three sleeping tigers, so I couldn't possibly have lost a lion. Doesn't make any sense.

How did anyone think it was a lion? Apparently it was 70 centimetres in length. I've got heels higher than that. That's really not that big. I don't know what that. One is 70 centimetres. How many inches is that? I don't know. Probably 23.

That's this week's texting. I'm going 23. That'll come in quick. Do you think? I think so, yeah. If somebody's got a slide roll. 70 centimetres into inches, go. It's going to be about three feet?

Yeah. Yeah, that's my bet. We'll see. If we do find out it's a lion now, after all that, we're going to look pretty stupid. Oh yeah, we don't want that. I must have been, when that blog said he was a million percent sure it was a lion, I did waver.

I thought that's a lot. That's a big. That's big certainty. I had doubt to my mind when another eyewitnessed, we witnessed it rolling about in the field and cleaning itself. Right. A bit lions to that, don't they? Yeah.

Frank, we've had a tweet in on Frank on Absolute. Let me make myself comfortable in my chair as I slowly slide into the 21st century. Get out your copy of Lord of the Wings. Yeah. This is from Clive Wilson. he's clearing up the issue. It feels like he should be a sort of a minor minister in the coalition government.

From his little avatar picture, he looks like he could be. Okay. I'm being a bit rude because he's been a bit rude. Oh, is he? Well, he's not really. He just sounds like he likes facts. He says a 12-inch ruler is 30 centimetres. This is in response to...

What, 70 centimetres in feet and inches? So it's about two and one third feet, or 27.56 inches. Did you know you can use Google for this? Oh, Clive. That's the bit where he's let himself down. You can't. But I think if you've got an audience of intelligent people,

we use what I like to call Google. And we've added an influx of people saying 27.55, 27.5.9. We don't need, because those people, okay, there might be the odd Maverick who's Googled it. But I bet you most of our list, and just knew it, the ones who's texted. Do you think the person who is, and this is not a lie,

somebody has texted in 70 centimetres equals 27.5590-1-118-11024 inches. Now, he's Googled. If he knew that off the top of his head, then he's a very fine gentleman indeed. He's expected. He's taken some time out from his counting matches to text. I think he's, you know, now that you get calculators on your phone,

so we can all be that, I can. Where are my gloves? Come on, heat. Any day now? Winter is hard, but your groceries don't have to be. This winter, stay warm. Tap the banner to order your groceries online at voila.ca. Enjoy in-store prices without leaving your home.

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I say what a week I've had. Have you? It's been a nightmare. Regular listeners will know that I, the last half hour of last Saturday, I was in considerable pain. So I went off to considerable pain or a heavy metal pain. You know them. You have to say what's wrong, Frank.

Yeah, it's a terrible. Too thick. Yeah, and I went to the, I went to the, a friend of mine is a dentist. He opened up the surgery for me, especially. We had the surgery to ourselves. Oh, lovely. He's your friend and is your dentist. Yes.

Really? The two can go out again. Yes, and I knew him... It's awkward at invoice point, though, isn't it? Surely? No, we never discuss money. Really? I do all that through a third part.

Yeah, it's not good in a friendship I've found. And so, um, he opened up the shop. He lives above the shop. I love that you call it the shop. Well, isn't it? Dental surgery. Okay, he lives above the surgery. But living above the shop is a term, isn't it?

Yeah. It is. So, um, he, he, so, he, so it's a, It's just me and him in this in the thing. No, no no noce. No, nox looking after us, which was a bit, you know, I had to hold my own pipe. I did. I love that I'm getting so fluent in Brumme, I understand all of this.

No, but you know your drainage pipe that you have when you're having your teeth on. I had to hold that myself because we didn't have a dental nose. Oh, goodness me. So it was all, I mean, he's, you know, he knows the drill. He knows the drill. Very good. Thank you very much. I love him actually.

Yes, I'm an extractor fan. No. Oh. It was the worst. I was in the chair for two hours. And it was the worst dental experience of my life. I had 11 different needles in my gum. Oh, 11.

My gun went to be hell-racer. Oh. I had some actually between, you know, the gap between the teeth? I know. I actually up there, right up that gap. Oh. And then one in the roof of the mouth. Oh.

And even in the midst of pain, I thought to myself, is it the roof of the mouth? It's called the roof of the mouth, but isn't it more of a ceiling? And that's it with me. I'm always concerned with language and usage, even in the very midst of agony. So it makes more sense that, isn't it? Absolutely.

Oh, I had one right through the ceiling. Yeah. So in the end, I had to, in had to come out. The tooth. Yeah. Tooth. And I haven't had a tough at for 20 years and I think. Where was it?

There doesn't seem to take them out anymore, did they? Where was it in proximity to the front of the mouth? Where are we talking? It's about halfway towards the back. I'm not one of those people who can say molar 7. I mean either. I just thought you could describe it, though. Well, the thing is, I don't have any teeth on one side of my head at all.

I'm working on gum. So if I lose a tooth from the other side, I've said tooth. It's tricky. Soon I'll just be taking my whole intake through a straw. But anyway, it had split right down the middle, this tooth. I literally split down the middle. And when they pulled it out, it looked like two little fingers. It looked like my gum were saying, and don't come back.

Do you think there's something very 1970s about having a tooth taken out? Yeah. Because people haven't filled and drilled. I've done all that now. I just get new ones now. The first three times I went to the dentist, I had six out, six out and four out. What, in your life?

In my life, yes. The first three times? Yeah. Wow. Thanks for verifying those facts. I just thought, what? Well, we weren't big on dental hygiene in our house. Let's not go on about it.

We have in the past, actually, aren't we? I think we probably have, yeah. But I don't want to be one of those. You know, there are certain celebrities, and we won't name names, who've gone for the very, very white, perfect, pristine teeth that they've had sort of built. Yeah. You know, and often with a rugged working class face.

Oh, yes, I've got one exactly in mine now. Oh, well, we should. No, I won't, because he's a nice man. Well, say Noel Gallagher as an example. As a man who looks like you should have teeth like mine, and the fact has got perfectly white, lovely smashing. And there are certain people who look like they could read in bed by the light of their own smile.

And I've always thought, well, I don't want to go down that road. But when your teeth are falling out and splitting in two, you do think maybe it's time to try and do a bit of rescue work. But now I'm going to go to the Queen Mother's route. If it's good enough for her, the nation's sweetheart. In other words, I'm going to have very small wooden ones. I think that was a reward, weren't they? I did something extraordinary this week.

Uh-oh. I went north. That was a honey, man. Barnet. No, no, no. I went to Liverpool. Can you believe it? Fantastic.

Yes. Life goes on day after day. I, no, I'm quite a big fan of Liverpool. bit of an honorary scouser. I've had a few adventures up there back in the 90s, yeah. Okay. No, this, this was work. Right. And I was filming a little fashion item for this morning, which you may be familiar with.

Well, I'm, who isn't familiar with this morning? I was styling. Now, that's another texting. I was styling. Let me know when you're on the telly, because I like to watch. Oh, I don't like to say. I like to watch. Oh, that's meant for a little bit.

I love the fact that you're on this morning. Oh, I'm glad you liked it. Well, I was styling the mum of Beth Tweddle. You know the Olympian gymnast? I know, Beth Tweddle. Frank? Yeah. I'm team Tweddle now.

Yeah. I'm a friend of the family. She bronzed, didn't she? Yeah, she did. Did she? Is that what you did? You bronzed her? No.

No. mixed up. Frank, so I arrived the night before. You go the night before, obviously. You know, get yourself prepared. Ob. Yeah.

I had the lovely Scouse taxi driver. He said, oh, where you go? And I said, oh, it's called a hard day's night. I said it like that. Right. So it's oh, it's dead posh in there, love. Zed posh in there, three star.

I went, oh, right, went in. Shully, is that the Beatles themed? Yes. That should be four star, shouldn't it? Yeah. Three star, if I was being, if I was ringed, I'd tell that I was slapping.

If I was Bingo, I would be a dog from a popular children's song. So I probably wouldn't be hosting the show. There was a farmer at a dog. His name was Bobby Bingo. Everybody. B-E-I-N-G-O. I mean you people at home as well. B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O.

There was a band who had a drummer, and his name was Ringo. Everyone, R-I-M-G. I hate it when the listeners don't join him. It would be great if there's a way of knowing. Four people and three of their... We're in West Bromwich. They're very supportive. So I arrive at the hotel.

It's lovely. Is it? They're a lovely person, the Scalcer. I do like them. Was the front door a revolver? Oh, great. I imagine that there's like, instead of a porch,

it's like a big mop-top hairstyle. Oh, they should have that, yes. That would be great. A big one, you know, massive. Well, I hoped there is the... Real hair. The McCarton... No, that's a fire hazard.

Yeah, probably. I hoped I'd be. in the McCartney suite. There is a McCartney suite. I thought that might be Vladimir Lenin, but it turns out it is John Lennon. Did you get in up in the Stu Socliffe? I was Ringo.

I said them in between. Now, I was just in a general room. They're called luxury rooms. But apparently, what they have, they've obviously tried to theme, that entire hotel is themed towards Beatles songs. So you don't get a sign on the door saying, do not disturb.

You put a sign out, which says, let it be. Oh, nice. Vague, isn't it? Let it be. I imagine they've told the staff that let it be means do not to stir. There's a song called I'm only sleeping, isn't that? Yes.

Oh, that would be good, Frank. Oh, that would have been good. Well, 24. Maybe I should get you guys to guess what they were. Please don't spoil my day. I'm miles away. Marky Smith is in the room next door. I'm only sleeping.

Wee paint. Yeah, that's what they should have. Room service, 24 hour. Any time at all. Any time at all? They should have pushed it even further and gone for eight days a week. After, if you stayed there for a week and got charged for eight nights, the theme wouldn't be quite so funny anymore, would you?

But, frankly, they tried to crowbar it in sometimes. Of course. And then it was getting a bit. It was like there was a sign saying, can't buy me love. But you can buy one of our gift vouchers for someone special. I didn't like that. That's a bit much And also I bet people from the local red light area

laughed at that I can't bite me laugh But Frank There was a giant oil painting above my bed Of John Lennon meeting Elvis Oh brilliant It was lovely It was beautifully fashioned

Happily sleep under that How marvelous Yeah That sounds good And then I had to do my slot for this morning Which went well Although I trod on the presenter's toe Which I didn't think was a very good thing

In five inch heels Yeah What to shot him up? No, I don't know, I did it unintentionally. Oh, okay, fair enough. It was Alison Hammond, I trod on her toe. Oh. And Frank, the taxi driver,

invited me to the taxi driver's sports and social hall. They've got a sports and social hall. Yeah, yeah. I graciously declined. They don't look like they have to, they. The taxi drivers? Yes. What happens and social?

Yes. They have gigs there, and all the seats are facing in the opposite day. I've had an incident. I have had what I believe the youth would call an epic fail. I've tried to enforce no eating in my car rule. Now, I'll be honest, in the past, I've had a Marks and Spencer sandwich or a Scotch egg or whatever, but I do a reasonable amount of travelling in the vehicle. And so I've started saying, look, I think we should not eat in the car.

no eating in the car. What's your logic? Well, it's... Food's expensive. No, it's not that. It's almost like it's my kind of... If I'm in it, I'm in it for quite a while, so it's just nice to have it a bit tidy

and not be sitting in, you know, mess. But you can say eating the cart and then, you know, fold up all the wrapping and take that with you. Yeah, it doesn't really happen like that. You end up with bits of pastry. I mean, it was a particular load. It's a pastry. Who have you got in there, Mr. Kipling? Children and my wife, my errant wife, I mean, I got in the other day,

and there was some, you know, the plastic, the wax that you get off a baby bell, there was, you know, the baby bell cheese. There was one of those stuck to the upholstery of the vehicle. Well, Frank has that, but it's the papal seal. I said, do you know how much the depreciation will be on that? It drops off. If I'm reading a ball when I'm driving a papal ball, sometimes a bit of the seal will come away.

They're all over your car, Frank. I am you. So I said... They am. I love, they am. Can I have a clap for they am? For a bit of Birmingham. I laughed back to Black Country complaint.

They am here, or they are. Sorry, Alan. I said, I said I'd like to enforce a no-eaten-in-in-the-car rule. Days have passed, and then we're in the car, all of us together, children, adult cock-rules. And my wife's going, oh, I'll just give them a croissant. I'm thinking that's one of the most... That basically is croms. It's one of the most crummy foods you could do, isn't it?

Also, one of the most carbby as well. Yeah. It's like a sort of an aircraft carrier for crumbs. Exactly. A croissant. And then I said, no, we're only going on a very short journey. It was back from the swimming. I said, we're not having...

Did she try to shout you down to a pan of chocolate? We didn't barter. Then... Because you can do pig snout with them. The following journey... They make a great... ad hoc pig snout, the pan of chocolate. Following journey, she's trying to...

He's not having it. I'm listening, but at the same time, I'm thinking, well, this is sort of relevant. Next journey, she's trying to get hand back sausage rolls to them. It's another... It's a cron fest. At this point, we were on the motorway, and I said, no, no, you're not handing back a sausage roll.

And my wife goes, what? Is it a no-eating rule? And I said, I've said several times with no-eating in the car. And she goes, oh, well, I didn't realize you meant no-eating. I went, what do you want me to do? put the rules in writing. And she went, yes, please. And I, and this is where I'd overreached in the argument,

I went, right, I'll get them laminated if you want. My wife knows that I'm not a high achiever or a doer. She knows that there's no danger of me getting the rules laminated. So she called my bluff. She went, good, I'd like to see that. I'd like to see the rules laminated. You're not tempted to call her bluff. I am, but unlike you two, I haven't got a PA that could just do it.

If I could delegate this task, it would be great. but, you know. You need to work harder. The person I would delegate it would be my wife. It made me feel bad about it for being more successful. But I'm keen to know if I'm in the wrong or... See, if it was me, if there's crumbs in the car, just get a new car. Had some texts and emails in already.

That's good. From our listeners. Because when it's snowy, sometimes you can forget there's anything other than, you know, you talk to white warmness. It's quite lengthy. Hi, Frank Allen. You've got three hours. True, no.

Hi Frank Allen and the Divine Miss M. Been away and just caught up on podcasts. Read dreams about Frank. I like re-dreams about Frank. I had the strangest dream the other day. Me and my good lady had gone for a country stroll. Whilst walking back, I bumped into Frank and his partner. The first thing that struck me was Frank had a walking stick with a horse's head handle.

And also, trousers tucked into his socks. Countryside, that's what happens, isn't it? We were chatting pretty standard non-disclatured. chat. Hold on. I wonder if you'd have a problem with that. Suddenly Frank began shaking and then started what I could only describe

as Tasmanian devil-style spinning around a picnic table. Frank's girlfriend then said he had a condition called civilianitis, where if he spoke for too long to civilians, he morphed into the cartoon devil and became uncontrollable. I then awoke.

That's so really happened. has this got out. Gordon has texted in. Hi guys. One of the most refreshing aspects of your wonderful radio show is your honesty and openness. I've told you.

I'll have praise on this show. My question is, have any of you ever had any dealings with the police? A policeman actually said to me, ironically, I eat people like you for breakfast. Who would have thought that people said that

outside of a bad cop show? But a coper honestly said it to me. Did I tell you that story about when I, um, I drove, I hit a police van. No? I was driving. Have you told anybody this story yet?

Yeah, I was trying me. It wasn't part, there was police in it. Can I say your manager's just pulled his chair up? I was driving up the, let's face it, there are worse things to confess to in the current climate. I was driving up the road and I was waiting for this police van to pull into, you know when you see a car coming as a line of traffic, you think, well, obviously he's going to pull into that gap,

otherwise I'm going to have to back up 50-odd. The police fan kept coming. And I thought to myself, I can get through that gap. Fine. And I couldn't. So I just, it wasn't really a scrape. It was more like the black robber from my bumper. I left down the side of the police fan.

But what I then decided, my next decision was, I'm out of here. So I put my foot down and thought, you know, they'll never, don't ever catch me. They'll never take me alive. So I turned a couple of corners, and then the police fan came out and blocked the road. Fine. You're like one of those characters on lights, camera, action. I know, yeah. And then the copper got out, and I thought, am I in massive trouble?

And he said, oh, man, I love fantasy football. And let me off. Let that be a lesson to everyone there. Yeah, so don't come crying to me with police stories. Get on telly. When your allotment's getting a bit overgrown and it's clear that you've lost interest in it, is it like when you're in a car, you know, when you sit in a car and then someone who thinks, oh, they're obviously leaving, comes and pulls up and waits for you to pull that?

Are there people hanging around waiting for your allotment to come up? Well, I suppose, yeah, not in their physical being, but they're on a list and they've been on it for three years. That's why you get a telling off. You've met someone very happy. Let's look at it that way as a positive thing. That's a good way of looking at it. It's not that we've given it up. It's that they've got it.

Enid. Enid! There's letter from a lotman people. Come, come, come quickly. Gather the children. Yeah. I feel better about it now. So will be a letter as well.

They won't have email. Enid's got no email. They phone you. They phone you. They phone you. They phone you on the home phone, I bet, as well. Exactly that. I bet they do.

Oh, we were startled. I bet they do. I phoned on the landline. You know what? I think I'm... Hello? Dugley 2908? You know that?

What? I think I've got a... land line somewhere in the phone. You think you've got a line. I think I put it in a cupboard, but it's still plugged in. It's probably in the cupboard with all the other stuff that you've not used for a while. Have you got stuff you've given up on? I know you've had a hula hoop

and that's gone. Well, it's still there but I haven't hoops for a while. But also there was a great row of New Year's Eve 2010, I believe. I've really got back. I tell you what I've given, I have given up on. I think I've accepted the fact I'll never be in Doctor Who.

Have you? I got my man. Why would you want to? I'm going to fess up to this. I got my manager to phone up the Doctor Who people when I heard this series was being filmed. Shut up. And I said, look, I'm happy to be in a monster outfit. I'll just walk by in the background.

I just want to be able to say. Oh my God, this is a most humiliating thing. Regional sci-fi. That's what you want to be in? You're one of the comic greats. I think it is national. You are one of the comic great and you are aspiring towards regional sci-fi. Can you take that you're one of the comic greats and putting it in it.

out on the trailer. Hank, I don't want you being in that. It's bad for your brand. We'll discuss it in the break. If I'm dressed as a cyber man, who's going to know? No, and it's the kind of actors in it are all people in the Gold Blend advert. I won't have you doing that. That's not. It's true.

It's true. I don't like Doctor Who. Sorry, but I don't know, though. Did they say? Well, he never mentioned it again, so I take it. I take it was, he couldn't break it to me. I mean, I would have happily just been, you know, man playing darts back of Rovers' return while Kembala talks to someone.

Maybe not Kembala. But, yeah, so I was... So I've given up now. I'll never be in Doctor Who. Oh, Frank. Well, I can't say I'm sad for you. I think it's a narrow escape. But it's as sad as the allotment, but in a different way, I think you'll agree. Well, what you need to do is do the same as you've just said I should do,

rather than you think of it that you're not on Doctor Who, just think that an actor is getting a role. Yeah, but is there, though, or is there just an empty... chair in behind the iron doctor who I would have been that's that's what gets me oh you might have done an accent as well

I think you would have done but then if you've had a monster mask you wouldn't have had a speaking part well I would say we're destroyed if you ever return to the Spanish Palace I would cast you based on that

I think that was wonderful that's you know they don't know what they are and seen Is that what they say? Oh, I didn't know that you and your acting experience. Maybe you should try for it. I'd love it. I'm available. Alan, ticket's still available.

Cochran is available. I've got a little bit of mascara. You could be Dav Ross. It's cold, Frank's Kim, 's radio days. I don't mean days as it's stupor. And me days as in a seven to the weeks old this is. Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything.

Like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember, 988 Canada's suicide crisis helpline. It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder any time. 988 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government in Canada.