The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Ghosts

Episode Date: November 26, 2025

We're taking a wander down memory lane in 2011 for our best bits. This time there's getting the giggles, Ed Byrne's ditch-gate is solved and there's THAT ghost conversation. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank Skinner's Radio Days, it could go one of two ways. Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days. We're in 2011 for our best bits. This time, hot... Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days. We're in 2011 for our best bits. This time I have an idea for a new fitness DVD. Watch out.

This is Frank Skinner. Radio on with Emily and Gareth. Hi, Frank. Good morning. That's that. You see it, I've established that. What a week I've had. I say, what a week I've had?

What are you done? I've been pushing crisps. I'm not these crisps again. Oh, God. That's all you do these days. I know. It's taken over my life. I admit that.

I had to do a load of interviews about crisps. And, you know, there's a... I mean, I've got my limitations of what I have to say about it. I'll say. Yeah. So I had a few. like, you know, comical remarks up my sleeve,

got them out of the way about 30 seconds in. I spoke to a man from the Birmingham Evening Mail who at one point, in all serious, and they said to me, what strain of potato do Walker's use? Well, I felt he'd put me on the spot somewhere. He went in a question time on you. Get this. I said to him,

well, I've always assumed it was King Edwards. I'm a complete, what? I've never assumed it Who cares about it Who else did I do I did Birmingham Evening Mount Now that was

That was preaching to the choir Really though wasn't it I should say by the way In case anyone's new listeners I like to think There are new listeners some weeks You know maybe if somebody Maybe if they're a hostage

And they can't reach Can't reach the radio And the kidnappers They listen to this on a regular base So this person's single I've never heard this before Changes something. I'm doing a thing for Comet Relief

where I have my own crisp flavour. In the tradition of salt and linnika, remember those. So a crisp that features your name. Smokey Beckham they had as well, didn't they? Oh, yeah, got those. The David Seaman ones, they didn't sell. They didn't sell.

They were gone before they were on the market, almost. So, um, so I did, I did, I did, I did you I got interviewed by, um, okay, uh, oh no, I, do you know, I, um, love it magazine. Do you ever, do you read that in? No, I like, hate it. No, I do. I do. I do, I do, you should edit, hate it magazine. I'd love to. No, I know love it, Frank. It's kind of, it's kind of, it's a lady's magazine, a weekly, and it's things like, um, yeah, I know the sort of headlines. They have all those kind of quite shouty cover lines. I know it well. Okay. Well, my boyfriend exploded in the bath. Exactly. The enemy between my legs. Can you save that to life? Sorry.

Your personal experience is sexual. So go on, Love It. So I was interviewed by a lady from Love It. And she was, actually, she was smashing. She was sort of a Stacey Solomon type. Did she write for smashing as well? Wow, she gets around. No, it wasn't.

Sorry. It's all right. So she took her, she had a hat with a sort of a black sequined hat. And she said, I'd like you to draw something. three words out of this and then come up with a joke based on those three words. It's quite difficult.

And I thought what summed up perhaps love it more than any other thing is that I noticed the label on the hat said River Island. So, this is the Hondred show. I'm Frank Skinner, and I'm with Gareth and Emily. I know, we don't have any cake I noticed.

I thought the bosses would lay something on for us. Well, you know, it could, There'll be a surprise, ending. Yeah, I don't want to make a big fuss about it. People are home thinking, so what, you know, do I keep counting for how many times I go to work? No, I don't. Do I think, oh, this is the hundredth time I've clocked in at this factory? Of course not.

I'll tell you what happened to me last night. Speaking of Broken Britain. Oh, yeah. I was with, some of you will know that I live with my girlfriend. Yeah. Okay. You know, that's the 21st century. And at the moment, her sister is living with us as well.

So, me and her sister, Rachel, we've got what we call the cinema club. So once a week, me and her get to the cinema because, well, my girlfriend, having seen Black Swan, said she'd never go to the cinema again. Really? She'd rather saw her foot off with a piece of ragging wood. Doesn't that happen at some point in Black Swan? I'm sure it does. There's 127 days, is it? Oh, yeah.

Hours, guys. In your case, it would be days. Anyway, so I went to the cinema. We were standing outside the cinema in Haymarket in London, a large conurbation in the south-east of England, and we were just standing, you know, doing those things about whether we're going to have salty or sweet, those kind of pre-cinema debate.

Yeah. And Rachel was just finishing a Chinese takeaway. And suddenly because it's nice. And I thought, oh, God, what was it? that? And this woman next said, oh, someone threw an egg. And someone going past in a car and thrown an egg.

Throwing an egg? An egg. Wow. Yeah, but that must have worked quite well with the Chinese food. Well, luckily, it was all up the back of Rachel's legs and on a coat. I mean, who are these people? I've had an egg thrown in my direction. Yeah? What was the context?

Well, I was in Brighton. I was on the front. I said let them eat cake, and they didn't like it. No, and it kept exactly very similar. There was no Chinese to soften the blow, though. It goes everywhere, doesn't it? What an egg? Well, it does.

I mean, they're fragile, and the extreme, I've discovered. They think about that before they throw them. It's just going to break. They must have, say, two or three dozen eggs in the back of the car. They must jump around London all night. It was a drive-by-egging, is what it was. And no Lady Gaga inside? No.

Not as far as you saw. What about if I'd been hitting the face? What about that? What if it hadn't snapped? What if they'd just lodged in one of my eye sockets? Wow. These people, what if I'd had my mouth open, talk it, say, yawn, it'd have gone and wedged in my windpipe?

That is a worry. Yeah. Was it mainly Rachel affected by the air? Yes, she took the brunt of it. I'll be straight. But what, I mean, what's happened to this? Well, the thing is, though, Frank, you have been in the papers and on telling you stuff dressed as a giant chicken.

Oh, you think that's what it is? Yeah. Maybe that's something. Christian egg sandwich. I need to work out which came first. Looking back. We had flies in my Birmingham flat. I have a Birmingham flat.

And, blimey, I mean, there was, like, it felt like a million flies in there. So I, obviously, I rolled a newspaper on the traditionalist. And I went after them. And, um, It was actually utterly exhausting. You'd try and kill that many flies with the newspaper.

And I did think, you know, you're always thinking of, you know me, I'm always looking for an opportunity, a career opportunity. And I was thinking workout video, where, you know, that it comes with a load of flying. It could come with maybe a horse head, and then you grow your own flies. And then, because it really did.

It was a proper workout trying to kill them. And you start thinking, maybe a bit of backhand. You know, you start developing a technique. And when I went to bed that night, I closed my eyes and I could still see the sort of fly movements going across my... Yeah. We had, in our... When we lived in Cardiff, we had slugs.

And so you'd come down in the morning and all the carpet, there'd be a silvery trail over the carpet all around. Well, they... See, we had silverfish. Do you remember those? Yeah. You got to put them on. When you put the light on,

Or if you got up in the night, they'd all scamp the bit. It'd be like a beautiful... Were they in the bath, were they? No, they were on the carpet. Oh, I think they're normally in the bath, but never mind. Oh, the carpet, if you could imagine, it was like, I left my action man once on the floor, and it looked like he'd opened a trout farm.

Yeah, they scatter. That doesn't happen so much with slugs. No, the slower... Slugs scattering is a very unspectacular, phenomenal. Quick run for it. Have we started? So this week, in the paper, It's very exciting.

Scientists have made a breakthrough with making an invisibility cloak. Oh. What? Well, it's not quite a cloak, but kind of they use crystals. They use a particular sort of crystals. Calcite. Yes, calcite crystals. Oh, God, that was good.

And it's good. Well made up. No, that is it. And they've only been managed, they've only managed to, like, make micron-level things. disappear before, but they've done it with pins and paper clips now. Up to one centimetre. Oh, hold on. They've made pins and paper clips

invisible. Yeah, appear to not be there. It's by splitting light in some way. Yeah. So they're still there? They're still there, but they're invisible. Yeah, they don't make them disappear. They're not the Great Soprendo. No. Well, no one is anymore. He did disappear. God bless him. Oh, one's in the box. Can I say?

Don't maybe. God bless him. Well, that's absolutely incredible, isn't it? Yeah. Invisibility. I mean, that's one of the dreams of humanity to be invisible. Well, don't get crude. What do you mean? Well, because I remember at school, boys used to talk about,

imagine if you was invisible, you could just sit in the girls' changing rooms and stuff like that. And you couldn't really. No. In case someone sat on you. Well, I mean, there are several things. You see anything because you'd be blind. Hold it.

Why would you be blind? Because the light would have nothing to reflect off, would it? That's how you're able to see. So it would go straight past your optic nerve or whatever. You wouldn't be able to see anything. Is that right? Yeah. Well, that's absolutely, my goodness.

But it's true though, isn't it? Scuppered the whole thing. What's going on? It's because the light reflects off your retina. I don't know how you see. I just thought. Oh, I know that. So how come the light you've made me go cross-eyed?

So is this why you can't see in the dark? Presumably, yeah. Well, I'll get it where Iro's. That's why if there's no lights. But then, but isn't it one way, the invisibility cloak? It's not making everything else invisible. Don't treat me like Stephen Hawking suddenly. I know one thing.

I'm not Stephen Fry. No, but the invisibility cloak is, that's true. But one thing that used, when these kids used to talk about, you know, oh God, we'd be able to see, you know, Susan, whoever I won't use their name, would be able to just sit and, you know. And I used to think, well, the trouble is, we'd have to be naked. Yeah, we have with no... Because you couldn't wear clothes, obviously,

so they're not going to go invisible. So you'd have to sit in the girls' changing rooms naked and you never... I don't think I'd have the confidence that it wasn't going to wear off suddenly. And then suddenly you're naked and the girls. And then you'd have to do that thing. Oh, oh, oh, what happened?

Oh, no, you know. I know I didn't fancy that. They might accidentally throw a towel on you. I'd have a really nice day. I'd just go to cinema. Wouldn't have to pay. It'd be nice to watch a film invisible. Also, what occurs to me is, would all of you be invisible, everything internal and everything?

Yeah, I don't think you just want to be, like, body, you know. What if you got dirty? A kidney going to Texas. Wouldn't there be two vague, grey patches of aerosol moving through the air? Well, that would worry about it. And what if I had nail polish on? What about if you'd left a tiny piece of toilet paper on your bottle? that would just be in mid-air.

What a giveaway. There's all sorts of honest problems. I must say it would be brilliant, though, wouldn't it? If I could do it, if I could be invisible, like, for a day, I wouldn't go and sit in Kate Winslet's bedroom and wait. What would you do? I would go to Derrick Acora's house. And I would move stuff about.

I might, you know, pick up a teacup in front of him, lift it in there and put it down again. Just so he started to think, Oh, God, there are real spirits. I've been lying all these years, and now they've come back together. See what he does, because if he acts surprised, they shouldn't be, didn't it? Or if you were doing a TV show, if you suddenly got him in a headlock, and he'd be going, oh, God, let's it! Sam! Get him, Sam!

You know, it'd be brilliant. It'd be really challenged everything about the whole Akorian empire. Have some fun with some Ouija boards. You could. You could just hit Accora, full in the fan. Nice. As long as if you've got blood on your hand, of course, then you'd be able to spot you.

Yeah. I thought I might like to go to Buckingham Palace. It was weird thinking about it. Can I say you don't have to be invisible to do that? No, but I'm not a royalist, but I realised if I was invisible, I'd quite like to go and sit with the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh.

Just see what they talk about. I don't think they talk anymore. Do you think they do? I don't know. I just think you'd be drawn in, you know what I mean, you'd start off like that, next thing you know, you're with her in the toilet. I just think the temptations, that's why I don't want to know about it. No.

There are terrible temptations. Stealing, of course, wouldn't be one. Oh, yeah. You couldn't shoplift because the items wouldn't be invisible. Poltergeist. Yeah, but they couldn't apprehend you, so you could still steal. Well, they'd just follow the handbag. I can imagine, couldn't you, some,

Security guard, shout him, follow the M-BEC! If I, I wouldn't want to be invisible all the time, but being able to be invisible on demand would be quite good. Oh, yeah, we don't want that. So that if you... No, I odd, it would be, wouldn't you? A visible on demand. You know, if you just say something really awkward in a social situation,

just, ping! You could just disappear. Well, you've still got to clear up your mess, love, at some stage. They know you said it. I'd know you were there as well. Yeah. I think it'd be more useful to alter world events. in some way. Like you could run onto the pitch

at West Brom, you could change everything. You could pick that little ball up, put it somewhere else. You're right. That's true. On the goal line. Yeah.

I did think about that this way. I watched Sky 3D. Oh, yeah. And at West Bromwich Albion, we're on. I'd never watch them on... Well, actually, I have watched them in 3D before, obviously.

Yeah. About 10 million times. But, I mean, I watched them on telly in 3D. Yeah. And I thought, you know, it would be brilliant. If I could have got Kath to watch it, which you won't watch football,

and I would have got one of those yellow official issue Premier League footballs. And when the ball went up, just thrown it into the room, that would have been such a great practical joke. At Desjardin, we speak business. We speak startup funding and comprehensive game plans. We've mastered made to measure growth

and expansion advice, and we can talk your ear off about transferring your business when the time comes. Because at Desjardin business, we speak the same language you do, business. So join the more than 400,000 Canadian entrepreneurs who already count on us, and contact Desjardin today. We'd love to talk, business. Black Friday is here at IKEA, and the clock is ticking on savings you won't want to miss. Join IKEA family for free today. and unlock deals on everything from holiday must-haves to cozy at-home essentials, all the little and big things you need to make this season shine. But don't wait. Like leftovers at midnight, our Black Friday offers won't last.

Shop now at IKEA.ca.ca.combe, bring home to life. No, but did you read this thing about Thought Park? I really enjoyed that story. They're building a new water slide at Thought Park and apparently they've had to move it because there's been a ghost. They've been headless monks. What, a flume?

Yeah. Do you mean a flume? I don't know if it's an actual log flume. I love a flume. That's what, Diane, she was always on the flume with the boys, when they were called the boys. Yeah. With the Planet Hollywood jacket.

Love those. Did she have, I've got a Planet Hollywood jacket. Have you? Brown leather. London. London. You can get a more. Friend of it took off anywhere out.

Friend of mine had Helsinki. People think they want to be different. You know what I mean? Yes. The one time I cried at Diana's funeral was they played the Christa Burr tribute, which was lost in the great wash of the morning in a way that Elton Johns wasn't.

And they had a shot of her on the long flume at thought part with the boys, really, really laughing. I brought tears. It made me very sad of that. It's just a ghost on the log flume. I know what my vote would be for. No, it's a headless monk.

Oh, well, it's not her. No, that's not her. But that is the best. A headless monk on the log flute? Was he headless when he got on? Have they cleared up that overhanging girder, which I warned them about the last time I went on the... Is it the Benedictine log flue?

I've been on that one. If you're going to have a ghost... let's have a headless monk every time because at least I think there's a strong sense of identity I don't like the sheet ones the white sheet ones awful they're rubbish cheap old sheet

that's a mad idea to hold it but I don't know about the headless monk It's a terrible waste of a toncher I like the monk with a head But I suppose you know we're all different Maybe in the hot weather In the hot weather

Did you say tonsher? Yeah Oh, what a great word. I love that word. Is it the first time it's ever been said on anything to do with Absolute Radio? First time in my life, I think it's ever been... Someone's actually said it to me and I haven't read it, in old script. I like a little girl ghost.

Oh, God. You know, when you're exploring the old house. Oh, no. When you're exploring the old house and the little girl says, oh, don't go in there, it's haunted. And then you go in and she's with you and showing you around. So we're not your therapist? It's an old thing for a ghost to say.

It's haunted, as if that's a, as if that, you know, as if it's none of their fault. Of course it's haunted, you're all here. No, but then you don't know she's a ghost, but then at the last minute she disappears. And then she was a ghost all along. And then you find out that a little girl died there, and the ghost was the little girl who died. They always say things like, mommy, daddy, mommy. I know, I don't like a child. I like scratching fanny.

What? Scratching Fanny was a famous 18th century. It was all fun while it laughed. It was a famous 18th century ghost. A talk sport looking for DJs. No, she used to... Have you not heard of Scratchy Fon? I've heard of it, but I think we should talk about it.

Yeah, she used to. I can't believe it's a well-known 18th century ghost. Well, it was a well-known 18th century name, Gareth. I lost out on a roll in as funny by Gaslight. That's another story. Yes. Frank. Shut up, Frank, and just carry on.

Fanny Bernie was a famous 18th century writer. Yeah, she's absolutely lost it. He's actually moved his chair over by the door to get away from us. Fanny Bernie should have tried the cranberry juice. That's my advice. Shouldn't have gone so near the gaslight. It's all gone wrong.

Anyway, this woman had died. They thought from, I think, smallpox or something. Well, Scratchy Fanny? Scratching Fanny. Then she came back, ing, not E, not E. I-N-G, not Y. And she used to communicate with this young girl

by scratching the sort of masonry. You're all right, Gareth. Carry on. She was, sorry, Gareth. She was scratching at the masonry. Yes, carry on. So the girl would say, Fanny, are you, were you poisoned

Two for yes, and they'd get on the thing. Like a chef on Lino. Yeah, exactly. Exactly like, he had more clicking. But yeah, and it got to the point where the whole of the house, all outside the house, the street would be full of people. I'm not going to tell you know what, the name of the street.

Oh, you could come back. No, I can't. You have to. It was cock lane. It honestly was. You can look this off. It's all authentic. The reason I know about it is because they called in Dr. Johnson.

He found it by the state, I think you'll find. Now, Dr. Johnson was, as you know, it's a great hero of mine, Samuel Johnson. He was called in to adjudicate as to whether it was a genuine haunting or not. Stretching fan it. Yeah, and he decided that the girl was doing it with her foot. What's it? It's quite a trick.

Well, the other thing is, well, the, The girl had said, look, this is all good, a bit crisp oil. The girl had said that she'd seen scratching family. Yeah. And that she said she had a shroud on. Yeah. And she also went one classic error. She said she didn't have any hands.

Oh. Well, if you're going to do a hoax. Yeah. Get some hands. I'm always confused by the shroud. You know, you get, I think my all-time. She's my favourite individual ghost. It's a mystery.

Do you get mummy ghosts? I don't think they're... Well, I suppose they are their recent spirits, but you don't imagine them walking through walls. Mummies are a bit like a zombie, aren't they? Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, a bit like a zombie, exactly.

I'm putting them in the zombie category. I think Garrette's right there. Sorry, Frank, as you were. I think my favourite ghost is the Victorian gentleman velvet frock coat. Oh, yes. I mean, the generic ghost. Yes. Take scratching fanning as the individual.

My favourite. Ed Byrne has arrived this time. He's actually here, yes. In case you're a new listener, Ed was due on, or it must be six months ago now. Yeah, was it that long. I think it was even longer ago than that. And all we heard was that you're in a ditch. That's what we were told. You know what? I can tell you exactly when it was. It was October of 2009. It was actually that long ago. And I remember it distinctly because I was looking forward to coming in because I got a new car and it was going to be my first time driving my new car.

I thought that was going to be a compliment to the show. No, I was looking forward to the drive It was a Jeremy Foxen type of In my new car Okay And my new car sank In my own, just outside my own driveway Because of a burst pipe

And the car actually And I was really annoyed Because I was up in time And plenty of time to enjoy the drive Yes And I pulled out of the Well it was a drive that let you down Exactly

And I sank And then what was really Because we were phoning My wife phoned And said oh we can't come because his car has sunk. Which does sound a bit of a weird excuse. It does sound like a very odd.

But he even said, have you not got another car that he could drive? And we do have another car that I couldn't but I couldn't get it out of the driveway because my car was blocking the drive. That was me that said if you've not got another car. Which was fair enough.

That would have occurred to me. Do you have a second car? It's funny, when my wife even told me, it's quite presumptuous. Do you not have a second car? I mean, we do. Well, just just assume it. But we couldn't get the second car out of the drive

Because the first cow was blocking the drive I thought they made one of those ditches Like what you get in the country I thought you'd gone off the road That's what I thought happened Because then we were listening as well And we heard you said oh Apparently he's broken down

Oh no he's not broken down Apparently he's in a ditch This is turning into a 1970s farce Yes exactly But it made you sound like Some sort of reckless character It drove across still I had to get the A8 come

And pull me out of my own driveway And even they like came and went Oh, they had to go away and get another lorry that was more the equal to the task that was the ditch pulling out larry as opposed to a simple tow truck. Sunk into your own drive, that's the terrible way to go. Yeah, you know, brand new car.

You know, I'm sure it didn't do the underside of it any good either. So that was my tale of woe. Well, I'm glad you made it this time. And are you still driving that car? Still driving that car, yeah, it goes back. It was a risk this morning. I bet you were glad to say it above surface when you looked at the front window.

I've had it visited with a periscope just in case. So I was on the train this week, as I mentioned on the show. You are on the train a lot. I've been on the train a lot in the last couple of weeks. Have you got a day job for South East Rail? He'd be a good train guard. I might as well. Well, you like trains as well.

What flyvers have you got? You know, when they say, Chris, what flavours have you got? They go, they have a look. They don't know in advance. They have to have a look at the flavours on the trolley. I can do that. You can. And then you'll go, shut up, Jeeves.

There's no prep, though. Shut it, Jeebs. No, I asked the other day, because I wanted to Barocca, so I just wanted a cup. And I've bought loads of stuff from those men who come around with the trolleys. And so I said, could I just have one of your plastic cups? And he said, no. You're joking.

No, they're just for the drinks. Well, in fairness to him. I was angry for the rest of the journey. No. Go on, defend him. What did you want to use the cup for? To have a drink. Exactly, but you hadn't bought the drink off him.

Yes, but I've bought drinks before. He doesn't know that. Do they sell them? Everyone, I'm the customer. I've spent 40 quid or whatever to go on the train. What difference does it make to him? It's not an issue. No, I'm on his side.

I'm on his side. I'm on his side. I'm totally on his side. He can't, okay, let's say we follow your rule. He then goes out giving cups willy-nilly to every person on that train. Oh yeah, because everyone will want a cup. Not everyone. It's a thin end of the wedge.

And then he's got no cups left for proper patrons like me who will pay for the drink. I just wanted a cup. One cop. Anyway, and I was across for the rest of the journey. So something very exciting happened. On the train Let's tone that What more exciting than that?

Let's tone it way down Something happened On the train this week And there were two Sort of I would say There were two ladies Sitting in front of me

To sort of I would say ladies What were they strontas Grace and Perry And they were kind of They were gossiping and I was watching The Sopranos. Oh, because ladies do tend to gossip. We love a gossip and we love a gossip.

I'm just not saying, you know, all... And you were watching, like, men shooting each of us. That mature, male and strong. And I'd actually paused it for a moment because someone had just been bludgeoned in the head. And I was worried about people behind me seeing it, so I'd stopped it for a moment. They're probably asked for a plastic cop.

I was wearing the headphones, so they didn't know. but they were talking, and they were talking about a particular lady. And then they said... A real lady or... A real lady? A real lady. A real lady. A real lady. Okay. And they said, oh, and they were saying things about her.

disparaging things. What's so the thing? They said... They were questioning her lifestyle in a number of ways. I can't give too many details. Okay. And then they said, oh, and apparently she used to live next door to and said my mum's name.

and they mentioned my actual mum and they must have been going back to Bournemus I think they must work in the same place as my mum works and I was overhearing this conversation so I'm disappointed it wasn't actually about your mum and they weren't being rude about your mum didn't know what you're saying about my mum wasn't there a short digression when they said negative

and derogatory things about your mum no no they really didn't say anything about my mum which was by definitely like I stopped completely but then so I was listening in then If they had said something derogatory about your mom would you have spoken up or would you have just listened?

Well the thing was... Do you have a record facility on the laptop? That's what I should have done. I definitely have on my phone but I think you when you take the step of recording other people's conversations Yeah but if they're talking about your mom I'm sure that...

Why, there is an jury in the country that would convince you. you for that. Your own mother? No, you were well within your rights. Do you know the neighbouring question? I do, and the truth is that she doesn't actually live next door to my mum. She lived next door to us, but there must have been some crossed wires.

Hold it? She doesn't live next door to your mum, but she lives next door to you? She lived near us, let's not say directly next door. Oh, no, she didn't live directly next door, okay. Are you changing names to protect the innocent? Oh, yeah, I'm doing my best. Is it old Mars Oliver? Is it Omar Baker?

No, she knew how to do. Is she a horrible woman? I don't think so. I think she's quite nice. So they were being vindictive, not necessarily. But they were saying she had, they were, they had questions about her personal life, about her arrangements. Yeah. Oh, okay.

And so suddenly I'm, I'm in surveillance of these women. Were you making notes? I wasn't it? Just type in furiously as they spoke. Like being some sort of court stenographer. Except they were the ones who were caught if you received my meaning. Sorry, can you repeat that, please.

I love the idea of Gareth being in surveillance. You know when they did that? It was like the lives of others all of us, like Quincy. And 10 minutes in one of them said, can you read that back to me? Yeah. Yours, etc.

Okay. But what I realised was as soon as I started listening, I started getting the giggles. Or like, you know, laughter was, because if I'm concealing something, I just can't help it. I'm the worst liar in the whole world. I just was going to giggle. And luckily, they stopped talking about my mum and moved on.

So they did talk about your mum. You said they didn't dwell. Well, they mentioned my mum. They said apparently, well, she's just to live next door. Yeah, but what did they mean by that? As if that's just to live next daughter or is some sort of her. No, it was further information that they'd got about her. the lifestyle in question

but yeah but I would be the worst spy in the whole world because in that situation I was just going to laugh in their faces because they were talking about something the tension of the situation that I was hearing something no I didn't actually because they moved me

they moved on well I think they move seats some sniggery four sitting at the other side staring at them clearly eavesdropping and drinking baroqueur out of his copped house. I mean, would you stay sitting next to that person?

I'm in a terrible salt. You're very lucky, though, because the amount of times people have accidentally caught, you know when you get bomb dialed? Oh, yes, I know what you mean. When you just sort of sit on your own phone or lean on it and it rings someone. I've heard that loads of times. And all I've ever heard is, I've never heard anything interesting.

Do you know what I hear, because I have a lot of lady friends? I hear click, click, click on my heels. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, I wouldn't mind that. Oh, okay. Through the courts. No, I never hear anything interesting at all.

I love catching someone talking about you, though. Oh, I love that. Oh, exciting. Oh, it's my favourite. It doesn't happen very often. Examples, examples. Well, sometimes, like, in a work situation, I do a thing. If I think someone, even if I think someone's been talking about me,

I'll just stick my head around and go, hello, like that, just to shock them. But I always know when they have. Aha! Well, I do that things. If I'm walking behind someone, I'll always say, I'm just behind you, so don't flag me off. And they always look guilty then,

like I know I've caught them just before they were about to. Oh, you said that to me before. I wasn't, honestly. No, okay. But I never get the giggles. Don't you? Do you know a giggler at all? Not at all.

I can't remember the last. Last time I had that kind of on-control laugh thing. What about if someone's like in the theatre, I get it? If it's a bad show, if I'm not meant to be laughing, it's something about because there's the human performance sitting in front of me and I just can't stop laughing. If someone's got a bad accent or something, I had it quite recently. Don't you ever get that?

No. I went to the big chill once, you know, the big chill at music festival. Raymond Chandler book? Pardon? Is that a Raymond Chandler book? Sleep. Sleep, that's the one. And this guy was showing me how to use a bogey for riding round on.

And he got on it and it went out of control. And it went over someone's tent. And we were in the family section. We're in the family section. It was quite early in the morning. Well, Kath, I looked around to Kath, my girlfriend. She'd gone. She'd actually gone into someone's unoccupied tent.

She was laughing that much. that she had to hide from me. She'd gone into a tent to laugh. And this guy, so these people came out the next tent, and it turned out that he was a DJ, this guy, and this tent that this fellow was riding on, driving his boggy on. And the thing is, he had the wheel lock, so it was just going around in a circle on the tent.

And all the DJ's equipment was in there. And he was going around on this small circle, so the tent was getting ever more flattened. I remember this DJ say, will you stop driving on our tent? And he said, I can't stop it. And then I did, I found, because he was genuinely distressed

and they were distressed. I did, I must admit, I did struggle a bit with that. But honestly, I can't think of another example where I've had, you get it a lot. You always get it. You get it during this show a lot. You do, I mean, scratching Fanny, I thought he was going to, I thought he was going to

kill her over. Scratching Fanny, you headed straight for the door. Yeah, no, the tension of not being supposed to laugh. But that was, no, that was just, I was really laughing because it was funny. But it's more when, you know, the terrible nightmare of not being supposed to laugh in a situation. And then it welling up inside you, it's just a terrible thing. I had a friend who said, if anyone ever told him that someone had died, his first thought was, what if I laugh now, and then he would feel it start to happen.

And that doesn't go down very well. No, bad news, I will smile. I will do an awkward smile because... Oh, by the way, you're fired. It's cold friends, regular days, I don't mean days as in stupor, I mean days as in the sevens of the week, so this is a takeout, a bloop.