The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: High Five

Episode Date: April 1, 2026

Frank, Emily and Alun are in 2013 for this week’s best bits. Frank celebrates his birthday and has a bizarre conversation with Richard Madeley. Plus, a tiger onesie, awkward interview moments and what cheers you up. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days.

We're in 2013 this time we're talking about what age. you should no longer high five. Hmm. Frank, can I just say Anthony has tweeted us. What, Anthony, that's in, you broke my heart. Anthony Tierney. That's Anthony in the Johnson's, Anthony.

The one with a wig. Anthony Tierney. That can't be a wig. Is it really? Who says, my seven-year-old daughter says you have the same head face as Craig Revell-Hawood and wants to know if you're his brother.

Is that head-slash face or head-face? Head-hy-n. face. Oh, head face. I do have the same head face as Craig Reveld. Yes, it's true. I, do I? I never thought it might.

I think of him as quite a handsome man, and I think of him often, Greg Revelle Horwood. Yeah. But I don't, I don't look at him and think, is that a mirror? Oh, no, it's Craig Revelle Horwood. You're more a Norton-Thomkinson hybrid. Yeah, you're already established.

But, you know, because we cannot see through the child. child's eyes. That's what happens to adulthood. To children, probably many of them think, oh, there's that man off strictly come dancing when I go down the street. You are very interested in the musical theatre as well, aren't you? Meaning? Just saying, okay. Just saying. Okay.

So what did you do on your birthday? You had your birthday this year week. It was lovely, actually. It was really lovely. I had got presents, which I didn't anticipate. but I got presents from... And his first presents? No. I don't really do presents. Oh.

So me and my girlfriend, we have a pact that we know the presents, and then she surprised me with some presents. Did she? Well, that's the best sort of pact, isn't it? People don't to be? I got up in the morning, there was a birthday cake smouldering on the table.

Oh. That's brilliant. Put it in for too long? It was lovely. I blew it out with those armpits welches. You know those armpit? I can't do it now because I've got a top on. Maybe the next break.

Yeah, I managed to blow the candles out with that. I thought, you know, you're getting on a bit, but to try and retain a sense of fun. That's what I thought. And we went out the night before. I went out with my girlfriend's sister and her fiancé. Nice. And you were nice?

Well, we went to what they call a pop-up restaurant. Oh, yeah. I love a pop-up. Yes. I love a pop-up. I'm all about the transient. Yeah. I was open for a pop-up menu.

You know, when you open it, I thought, oh, the food will be 3D. It didn't happen. But there was a, it was an interesting thing. At the end of the night, the waitress came over and said, I don't, we don't charge for dessert because it is this person. Quite a bit.

I thought, well, it's one of, not the loveliest acknowledgments of my work out of the last 25 years I've ever had, but I'll settle for it. Four pound 50, I'll say. So whenever people talk to you about the price of fame And when you decide what it is Not £4.50 off it, that's my advice. What I did on the morning of my birthday I thought I'll be a bit wacky

I've got a tiger wansy Oh lovely You know it's a tiger print with the hood and ears Attendant ears let's call them that And I thought what I'll do is my baby who's eight months now has never seen this onesie so I'll turn

I'll just turn up downstairs and you'll you know what you'll laugh and it'll just be a great start it'll show I've still got it yeah you know it's on your birthday you just think you do think I wonder if the comedy stopped

last night and this is now this is the rest of my life have been yeah so I got me onesie on went downstairs. Busy!

Busy! And he turned up with the big thing. Oh, did he love it? And not only did he not smile. Oh, dear. But I felt that he gave me a sort of a perfunctory nod. Of sort of, yeah. I see what you're trying to do there.

Yeah, okay. Like that. So I just went back up and got changed and came down again. Just pretended the whole thing. And then did you go for some verbal stuff rather than the visual? Well, you know, what I need to do is a couple of new materials. or gigs with some other kids to try out some stuff. And then, you know, when I feel I've really got it work,

then I can't come and present it to him. I think turning up in the ones he might work next year as well, he will probably have forgotten the tried this year. Now, once a joke doesn't work, it's got to go. No, it could land really big next year, though. In a year's time. Do you think? Well, he'd be old enough to see that you're in a...

It'll be a different demographic entirely. Totally, yeah. For all we know, the first time Bernie Clifton came on in the ostrich, people might have gone, just give him a nod. Yeah. Snorvich. He hasn't quite got the angle.

Then the next time, well, I mean, the rest is history. It's time in comedy, isn't it? So that was my start to the day. And then I've included in my lovely books was, I was bought some books and some other stuff. I won't go into details because people, well, they don't care. But I was bought a... Hang on, we can't enforce that rule.

I got Frank A Tardis bin, FYI. Yes. That was brilliant. I've used it. many times this week. I'm throwing stuff for why, just to hear the noise, stuff I want. I throw about 500 quids worth of notes in there this way. Did you? Yeah, I can get them out there. I don't want the cleaner to think it's some sort of soft of tip.

That'll be that bank you went with. I told you not to go with them. My cleaner does this brilliant thing. If I told you this, she buys me sort of cleaner-based items as gifts. Oh, as presents? Yeah, for Christmas. What sort of thing? She got me and Katha designer teetel. Yes. I love that. Anyway, so one of the things was a sort of a comic book collection thing by a writer called Chris Ware. Are you familiar with Chris Ware? Are you familiar? Oh yes, I'm very familiar. And anyway, I lay in bed the next day. No, I didn't let it bed and I said. I was out. And I thought, oh yeah, I've got those things to look at when I get back. By, by, um, by, uh, and I couldn't remember Chris Ware's name. And you know, I have this. belief that you must never Google anything you can't remember only what you don't know.

Quite Calvinistic about that. Well, you've got to be, it's good for the brain as well to remember. It took me three hours. And not only... But you got there. That's the thing. It physically hurt me. I tried to remember.

I tried so hard to remember. I'm not joking. I got a... It's a sort of a headache. It's not like a pain headache. It's like, have you ever had your head shut in the doors of a lift? It happened to me this morning, actually. Did it?

Did it? Did it? Yeah, you know when you peer out last minute and they shot and it's that terrible, that terrible sense of being, that's what it felt like? And what about when it came back to you? Was there a release, a relief? Well, such was my, I mean, the doors had been shut on me so long. The release wasn't as marvellous as you thought. But I still think that, you know, it's a good thing to do.

But some people, you say, oh, who was that going? and they get the smartphone out. I mean, I just smack it straight out their hands. Are you laughing at the use of smartphone? They get the smartphone out. That's what they call them, isn't it? I've got that wrong. I was Westbrown manager.

At the time you started saying, the web or something. What? A smartphone is the correct term. I like everybody said. I turned on the Google, he said. Look, I can't be naming brands. We've got our people to think of our advertisers. Anyway, I'm very much against it.

So from now one, I shall refer in a poet. poetic style to what I shall call the lift doors of remembrance. Oh, yeah. When you're trying to remember something like that. But please, I beseech the listeners. Don't look up stuff you can't remember, because it's in there. We've had an email from Phil Collins. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. He says... He's not going to say that he watched somebody drowning, another person, didn't do anything about it, and then wrote a song about it. No, there's no open myths here. Okay. He's from Nottingham. I'm keen to know the show's opinion on the high five.

I can see... Well, they don't have a high 13, if that's what you're asking, unless it's Anne Boleyn. Was it Anne Boleyn round six fingers? Yes, yes. Yeah. I can see the usage in sport, and I, in fact, do use it when a goal is scored in football

or a particularly good point played in squash, getting the measure of Phil Collings. But I feel that in other aspects of life, it's gone too far. I witnessed the other day a high five being used as an acknowledgement of someone turning up to work on time. What does that say about the modern world? Okay.

Yeah. He says in a similar way to Emily last week, making a point that people with property shouldn't throw snowballs, I feel that people over the age of eight shouldn't high-five unless in the sporting theatre. What's your opinion, Jacks? Well, I have to say... You're not a high-fiver, are you?

Well, how can I put this? I recently recorded what... what one might call the mainstream entertainment show for BBC One. Shiny floor. Yeah, very shiny floor. And shiny shoes. Well, we'll get emails about them. Yes.

Yes. It's not out yet, but so I'm making the best of it. I'm using up all my credibility now. But anyway, it's recorded, and I've watched a sort of a rough cot. of a bit of it. And I, I, if our team get a question, you can tell, I can hardly get these words out. If our team get a question, I do high five.

Okay. And when I was watching it, I mean, I couldn't see all of it, obviously, from under the desk where I was watching it from by this day. But it didn't, I, you think, sit down, you know, sit down and stop doing that. Yeah, it's a thing that you've got to have your baseball kept the wrong way around to be high-fiving. And it did it look terrible. So if I'd have heard this a couple of weeks ago,

I thought we'd been a bit harsh, but I haven't seen myself high-fiving, it's one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done. And I'm including dancing with my trousers and pants down in front of Kenny Ball and his jazz men in a Birmingham pop. Some refused. Ricky Jave's partner, Jane, once refused my high-five attempt. Does you hang in? I went to high five and you went, oh, I don't do that.

Oh, I got left hanging. It was like, yeah. Oh. Being left hanging is really embarrassing. I think, yeah, I know what you mean. I, when I did the Room 101 first series, Larry Lamb. I'm going to say Lance Armstrong. I missed that one.

Larry Lamb put in high fives. And we just, we, I thought it was a relatively modern phenomenon. We had a picture of a woman band from the, 1940s who were singing about, like, give me five, and then they were all high-fiving it. You know, I once had a terrible low-five situation with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He offered me a low-five.

I'd never seen one. I sort of leaned right over and did a terrible sideways handshake. And he just, he looked at me in a, well, frankly, he's never come back, despite his promises. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I thought if Alan hadn't already heard about the program on the BBC, then he may be interested to watch allotment wars. Ah, yes.

And to see if the civil war brewing between plot holders was anything like he had experienced with his own allotment. We never had a civil war between plot holders. We just had a failed crop and a lack of interest in weeding. I think you did mention that, that you felt you were letting the community down. Oh, yeah, I would have loved to have gone down there and done a bit more. But you said, I thought you're... I mean, allotment wars is not a great title.

That's terrible. Why didn't they do the one that I said? Your one was... What was your one again? Losing the plot. Yeah, that was brilliant. It gives you a bit of everything, don't it? People would be drawn to it on the EPG, the old guy. As you can imagine, this drew me in, because I hate to see a title that hasn't been sufficiently put on through.

Yeah. I thought, what about a lot of bother? And the first bit would be A-D-L-L-T. Turf Wars, they could have done that big, excellent. What about Seeds of Discs of Discs? content. That's good. Yeah?

Yeah. I've got another one. Soil and trouble. Soil and trouble? It's based on toil and trouble, you see. No, too much work involved. I'm not happy with that one. Okay, what about plantagonism?

That's first class. We should just do these for the rest of the show. You've hit your sweet spot now. A lot that wars is not good enough as a title. No. We've had an email in from Trevor Forsyth. Forsyth. Which is like Ronnie Caw.

but saying Bruce for sight. Yeah. Cichet. He says, first it was Bruce Willis on the One show, and then last night, Mark Wahlberg on Graham Norton. Have any of yourselves ever had an awkward interview moment? Mine was during an interview for the Royal Navy,

when I was asked if there was anything I didn't like. And for some reason, I said, I didn't like being ordered about and told what to do. Needless to say, the interviewer looked slightly uneasy, and I got my dear John letter the following week saying I was unsuitable. Oh, no, that was a... That was an error. Yes.

There's something really fun about, for some reason, I found myself saying moments in interviews. I really like that. There used to be an old sort of be-no-type joke about... Going into the Navy, and the Admiral said to him, can you swim?

And he said, why haven't you got any ships? No. So anyway, I was walking down Whitehall, and a chap came up to me, and he said, oh, I saw you the other day. I didn't say anything, but I really wanted to come over and say something to you. And I said, oh, okay. He said, I wanted to tell you this.

He said, I think you'll like this. He said, I was really down. I felt really miserable. And I said, I'm sorry to hear that. He said, no, no, no, hold on. He said, so I thought, I'll have a look on YouTube and look at a bit of comedy and see if anything can turn me around. And I thought, all that, you know, nice. And he said, so, he said, I saw this, he said, I clicked on, and it was Eddie Isard.

He said, talking about Darth Vader. Oh, well, that's all right. Did he find any comedy, though? He said, that is so wrong. And he said, oh, man, it really, really cheered me up. It was, ah, I was just one of the, have you seen it? It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. And I thought, okay.

Did you know what you did? Yeah. Did you think I was Eddie Isar? I was wearing an elaborate ball gown. And you were in Whitehall, and Eddie loves a bit of politics. That's true. No, well, I love Eddie Isard, and I love that routine. But I thought, why are you telling me this?

And he said, oh, it's soberingly. He said, I thought maybe you could expand on it a bit. No. What do you mean? That's proud upon, isn't it? That's frowned. Yeah. So it's sort of, you know the way people take up the work of a dead novelist?

Yes. You know, the unfinished work? Yeah, that seems fine, doesn't it? But if I went on stage and said, you know that Eddie is art? Maybe I could open the show with that on VT and then go on and say, I'll tell you one else Eddie could have said that would have been good. So that's what that's quite a lot of the time. No, but Arquith is, at least he's developing it himself.

this but I mean I'm really glad it cheered him up but I was so certain it was going to be something of mine I mean I was so certain I was bracing I adopted the um polite humility face I would have gone venger boys you see 100% yeah that's what I thought it was going oh there's a thousand things stashing through my head of mine that he could have seen that would have cheered him up that was incorrect as it turned out it was uh yeah so um what I'm wondering is uh watching as people are, because it's quite a mechanical thing to do. I'm feeling a bit down, I'll have a look on YouTube. You like a tree, don't you? You like a tree, you've told us.

I do like, I like to sit with my back against a tree. That's one of mine, which is quite mechanical. But, you know, if I was doing that, I wouldn't then go up to, let's say, a hedge and say, oh, I'm glad I've seen you because I was feeling really down the other day, and I was cured by, not by your species, but by your species, but by, a tree. Maybe you can expand into a tree and then I can sit under you. I imagine that, I think that hedge would have every course to be offended.

This is from Barry, Barry Dingwall specifically. Barry Dingell. Barry Dingwall. It was not one of the Dingles. Okay. I met one of hit one of the dingles in the 90s. Hello Frank Kimberly and Alan. I remember the fullest beard I've ever seen in my life. He was like the cartoon. He was like Bluto. Oh, is that the old? The fella.

Yeah, yeah. What a beard that was. There was no giving it. I was in bed this week watching Sky TV. When out at... This is Barry, not me. When out of the corner of my eye, I spotted something that made me grab the remote

and quickly rewind to double check that I'd seen what I thought I had. It was an episode of not going out and the cockerel was collecting glasses and had to give a funny look to Lee Mack. The quality of acting was a joy to behold. And I can only assume that when casting Miranda, the relevant people hadn't seen this fine example of a craftsman in action.

Sure, it's on the show reel. This was probably the highlight of my week, which says a lot more about me than anything else. If Alan is ever in the southeast, he can feel free to look me up as Basilden has several one-pound slash 99p stores, which contain bargains galore. My natural preference for a look-up would normally be Emily, but although a lady of outstanding natural beauty, she seems likely to be a little high-maintenance. Well, that's harsh, isn't it? Barry from Benfleet. Do you mean it's harsh inferring that I would only go there because of the £1 and 99 pen stores?

I feel like I'm getting a reputation. Yes. I wish I'd seen Cockwell collecting the glasses, Frank. Yes, I never saw that episode. Where was it? It is a fact. I'd like to see your funny look at that. Well, what happened was I was doing the warm-up on that very project.

And the proper actor didn't turn up. Is that where this story is going on? Lee Mack said to me, I need somebody to do like a little double take and I don't trust a normal extra. No. Or an actor. Yeah. And so I did the warm-up and played a role in the show. You broke through the fourth wall.

I had to say to the audience, forgive me now. I'm going to have to go off and be in this scene and then I'll be back with you. Did you put a costume on for it? Well, I wore for the warm-up, like trousers and a shirt like the barman would be wearing. And I'm really glad that it has been appreciated because I think it's been sadly overlooked by many awards panels since. I was also a chauffeur in the series that we are clanged. You know, Steve, who filled my boots last week.

Yes. Yeah. He shouldn't have done that. It's your own fault for leaving them in that corner of the store. We warned him. No good would come of him. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so my television acting CV, he goes sort of Barman, Schofer,

and Jason the Asthmatic. which we all remembered. Oh, my romantic history as well. So where to, Quo Vardis, where to know with the acting career? I think it's straight to Hollywood with that CV, isn't it? Surely. What, poor Hollywood from the Great British Bake Off.

Yeah, something like that. It's good, though. It's nice. I never get any little acting cameos. Oh, you were cruelly overlooked by the Doctor Who people, weren't you? It wasn't so overlooked. I was rebuffed. I think you would have had a chance in Merlin, and now it's been cancelled.

Yes. Sorry about that. Isn't that the story of my life? No. It isn't the story of my life has been being in the right place at the right time. So I'm not complaining. I haven't given October. Especially with Facebook and Friends of United.

My deal with the Who people, I think, is that if I get apart, I won't tell anyone. The Who people? Yeah. I'm calling them that. People think it's Roger Daltrey. It's weird. It's really misleading. The World Health Organisation.

I promise if I cleaned out his throat farm, I'd get a place at the programme. Has he still got a trout farm? No, but I tell you what, he's still got a good old torso on him. I'm a man of that edge, true. To quote the cocktail, I would. Has he done, has he been doing a lot of sit-ups or something? Is that his thing?

No, he's always had a good torso. Yeah, because he takes his shirt off on stage, so you have obligations. Oh, like the Cliff Richard calendar. Obligations. See, I'm often thinking if I've done more topless work, it would give an incentive for me to look after myself better. Definitely incentivises a few crows. If I look at my torso, I know, I took my shirt off in front of a makeup woman and a wardrobe lady at the day.

Always have to him in the room, Frank. Yeah, they were both. Always to. Always two. Always two. Always two. Don't worry. I've looked and learn the last six months.

But I look like, my torso, I look like I'm made from Brie. I've got that grey, clammy, slightly creased. It looked like I'm... like parts of me of falling. I look like my body's mid-Avalanche. I know you're saying this is a bad thing, but all that's happening is it making me a bit hungry.

I haven't had Bree for ages. Oh, I thought you meant hungry for... No. Two in the room. Two in the room. Two in the room. That was actually my motto on tour. So Richard Maydley came up to me in the green room at Graham Norton's comic relief big chat show this week Did the green room have an enormous table or was it just a normal standard?

No, it had a lot of celebrities in it. Oh really? In a lot, it was celebrity-headed. Almost the opposite of the green room I performed it. I had last Saturday. No celebrities. It's quite a small table. And a huge table. It looked bigger because Ronnie Corby.

was sitting at it. God, I've done a Ronnie Corbett size joke. That's brilliant. In a minute, I'll do one about British Rail sandwiches. You know when I last saw him was when I watched the England game with him at Buckingham Palace. Anyway, as you were. Boom.

That's true story. Good work. So Richard made me. And he's clutching a pair of boxer shorts. Mm-hmm. Oh, God. And not mine. Authentic.

No, no, they were like stripy ones. And he said, he came out of him and said, high frank and all that. And he's actually a really nice bloke, Richard Madele. And he said... I've got a big soft spot for Richard Maydley. And he said... Is it, I'd skip the cattle market?

He said, I've had to just borrow these off someone because I'm going to wear a dress as a joke thing. He said, and the thing is, he said, I don't know if I've ever told you this. He said, I haven't worn underwear for years. He said, I just find... He did not. I just find it.

Exactly. And he said, I just... makes sense now, doesn't it? He said, I'd just like the freedom thing, you know. And I thought, well, you know, when I get people to go at the freedom thing, I imagine it's going to be people in carcies, in the middle of a jungle waving an armolite,

you know, freedom fighters. That's a high price to pay for your freedom. I don't want to pay that price. It's a high price, because I find that to change your trousers every day situation. And I can't, from a dry cleaning point of view, I will not tolerate that.

You just want to change the lining. That's what it's about. What if he doesn't? What if he doesn't change those houses every day? Well, surely he does. He'd have a crotch like a tortoises carapace. All I can say is my heart goes out to Judy. And anyway, he said to me, he said, you're looking well, Frank. He said, how old are you?

And I told him. Oh, God, is he hitting on you? No, no. I don't wear underpants. But you're looking well. We're more or less exactly the same age, Richard Madeley and I. And I said, you know, you look better than me. He said, no, no, no.

He said, he said, the secret, he said, is keep thin and don't go bald. Wow. And I thought that's, it's all right. Get away with murder if you've, I want to say get away with murder, I don't we? I'm not thinking of any current news stories involving people who are. Right. So anyway, yeah. I thought, well, I said, the trouble is the cruel fact about that is the going bald thing you sort of stop with.

work at the keeping thing. Well, you can work at the going bald. Have you seen Wayne Rooney's transomach? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And we just agreed that we were blessed. Well, that's nice, isn't it? Is this continuing the theme of what cheers up you and Mitch had made? They're just going, well, lucky art we? We've looked out on the follicles department.

I'll tell you something, and I did some bridge mending with example. Do you remember the last time I met an example? I do remember. It was awkward with the example. I said, I love that single of yours, and it was a different example and it was a bad example. Yeah, if it's work. And he, I would say, it's a very good example. Oh, good.

He's a really, again, I'm saying that they're all nice, believe me, they aren't all nice people, but I'll, you know, Richard Madeley, an example are, good examples, of celebrity types. And I met his fiancé, the former Miss Australia. Oh, basically, yeah, we talked about the fact

that he wasn't wearing a gauge. I thought you were calling him examples like a Nana Wood, examples. Yeah, and we talked about the whole notion of why men don't wear engagement rings, you know, this thing. Oh, yeah. And in America you can get a thing called a men engagement ring. I like the idea. Yeah.

I'm always happy for an excuse to have diamonds upon me. Are you? So on true. You're really bling. I've noted that about you. Yeah, I'm just saying anything now. I told him it's a great thing about radio. Sometimes you can just sit back, let the mouth go off on its own and see how it gets on.

It's like, you know, it's like your child's first day at school. Oh, anyway, thank you so much for tuning in today. I know you didn't tune in. Your dad insists that you listen to this, whatever. But if you just go with the flow, maybe you'll find yourself enjoying it. Might even learn something. They might end up knowing, like, what the phrase, what the Dickens means. Yeah, I hope it's a reference to Dickens.

It's a bit disappointing if it isn't. I think the whole text in our readers. They're good on this sort of thing. Isn't the phrase, no, your onions about onions, the book of words at the time. Oh, is it? Is that right? I don't think it's about onions. So many fabulous facts.

Well, it was only a half fact, really, wasn't it? I'm guessing it's wrong, but I still like it. I still like it. It's been, by the way, if you think I'm sounding a bit, I'm going to say sexy. I've got a weird sort. I don't if I can term it a sore throat, because the soreness seems to be...

Come at a sore throat? It sounds a little bit. Yeah. You don't Husky? No, but it's... Yeah, I've got a blue tongue. It was that a chow? No, Hoski's blue eyes.

Chew-blue tongue, that's how I remember it. I got a sore throat, but it doesn't seem to be right at the bow. where the throat is, it's forward. It's a near-miss, sore throat. Oh, right. So it's the sore back of the mouth. But you don't want to be telling people that

because they start thinking about, you know, food deposits. Why don't it take it? They feel sick. It makes them feel sick. Luckily, this week, I have a health thing coming up. Every two years. What's the health thing? Every two years, I have, like, a proper big, an hour.

Like an every... I have an MOT, but every two years and every... How's the after care? Well, it depends how it goes. Okay. So far, I haven't really needed any, but, you know, never say never. Too loud, I've already said it twice. That's annoying.

Yeah, so I'm going to, you go to this place, and they do things like, you know, they make you blow into what looks like the inner thing of a toilet roll, and it tells you a long capacity, and you run on a treadmill and stuff like that. Yeah. It's quite exciting. It's a bit like, you know, in Iron... I was going to say, it's a bit Iron Man. Well, it's Captain America, really.

In Captain America, when they turn the wimp into the superhero. It's a bit like that, you can imagine which stage. Spoiler a little. But I had to feel in... You should see... Sorry, yeah. Sorry about that. You don't think Frank's going to come in.

You know, they get those like receipts with the muscles inside. You can put in. I hope you don't do that, Frank. I might have peck. Imps. Oh. But I had to feel in, you should see them. question there. I go, 17 pages.

17? I don't think I'd even cut with 17 questions. What sort of question is? I love a question. Really? Oh, God, yeah. Do you not do that? You know, magazines? You know when you're reading... Mostly A's? I love a mostly A's quiz. Oh, God. You know when you're reading, like, family circle? Yes. And there's a thing and it says like, are you irritable? And you think, oh, for God my sake!

And you start filling it in and then you say, I love doing that. I got interviewed. You know, there's a thing in The Guardian weekend, well it's like a questionnaire. It has things like, name your favourite journey and stuff like that. And I did that once.

And I knew all the questions advanced because I've done it myself at home so many times, trying to come up with a different answer every week. I love that. I love questionnaires, Frank. Come with you. One of them was, what are your main health concerns? Oh, yeah.

Surely that's death for everyone. Yeah. Yeah. It's gotta be. Anyway, I'll put that. We'll see how it goes. But I'll tell you some other. Some of it is odd.

Frank, we were talking about your health. Yes. How is it? Well, that's another thing. What about this for a question? Right. So this is the questionnaire that you were forced to do. A hell of questionnaire.

Have you ever suffered with emberides? Give the complete dates. Of the suffering? Of the suffrage? Well, you can't give the dates back. Now you've eaten them, can you? But who keeps a sort of amyroid journal? Dear Diary.

Terrible flare-up today. How long? Is this what they mean by the annals of history? My, what I call my hem was. No, but you know. People must make that up, hadn't they? That has dazed. You can't remember stuff like that.

Who writes that? No one. Another one is, does your release? relationship caused you stress was one of the... What did you say? Well, I ran out of paper. Oh, be quiet. There was only a...

There was only about like two inches to writing. It was ridiculous. I've got nothing... Are you sure? Where were you asked to send this back to? Was it the Saturday Sun? No, it's just to Cass. It's all a wicked ruse, I think.

It's quite exciting now because it's... I like a, you know, I like a fitness. test and stuff. But it did remind me of, in the 80s, I applied for, I think, two jobs. And it reminded me because when I filled in, when it says You were a good getter back then, were you?

You know, it was the time of the yoppy. Oh, I love yuppies. I looked after number one and do on to others before they do on to you. So I applied for two jobs and didn't get either of them, nevertheless. And it reminded me because it said interests And I put reading and go into the cinema,

which is what I always used to put then. Oh, yeah, I used to put that. And they're not really interests, are they? No, it's just life. Also, who has hobbies now? If I had hobbies, I'd say alcohol and phone calls. But honestly, those are my hobbies. I'm sorry.

I don't have any others. No one has time for hobbies anymore. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I just remember an alcohol. Oh, nice. Brilliant. So brilliant. And also when it's set up,

how do you keep fit? I put walking. And I thought, God, how old are mine now? It's better than not walking, though, isn't it? That's what they'll say. It is better than not walking. They'll say, well done. Well done. Better than not walking. If they say that to me, then I know I am genuinely old. If I'm congratulated for walking. Even pedestrian, you know my pedestrian racing when I race against other pedestrians in the street?

Yeah. I did a good one the other week, actually, where I decided, although I had the steam to overtake this bloke, I thought I'd really put him on edge. So we walked along the Thames. I bet we did half a mile shoulder to shoulder. In the end, he went on his phone. I just think he got so self-conscious. And he slowed up a bit to let me go, and I slowed up a bit as well.

It's brilliant. It's like to say, he'd race. Yeah. But I've found that since I listen to audio books, I don't want to walk so fast. I want to walk a bit slower and enjoy. Yeah, I get more of a chapter in. It's terrible. So anyway, I've got that coming up, quite excited about it,

and I'll give you the results next week. If I don't mention it next week, you can read into that what you will. Yeah. Obviously, if it's really bad news, it might be, I might not bring it up. There's really bad news you'll hear Tanya Snuggs, revealing the news. Yeah, exactly. And then again, of course, it's the Sony nominations on Wednesday. Oh, God.

It could be a terrible week all round. It's cold, Franks, radio days, I don't mean days as a stupor. And these days as in a seven for the weeks old, this is a take not a blooper.