The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Invention

Episode Date: November 12, 2025

We're at the end of 2010 with Frank, Emily and dear Gareth. This time there's talk of Disneyland, friends of friends and fainting. Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Conditions and exclusions apply. Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days We're at the end of 2010 And Emily has an invention She wants to take to Dragon's Den Let's see So you were out on the town Yeah I went out last night

It was an interesting situation I think Well I think we'll be the judge of life I think as you get old Let's say it was a situation at this stage Jury is still out I may be beating it up By saying situation.

I think as you get old, you get a bit more assertive. You become aware, you know, you get to know yourself and you get to know others. And my friend invited me to a spoken word event. Okay. It was a theatre in Cambridge and it was a spoken word artist he really likes it, called Polar Bear. I didn't mean to laugh when I said that. It's polar bear. It's his name.

What do you mean by a spoken word artist? Well, it's kind of like poetry. I'm a spoken word artist, I suppose. Spoken word night, that's sitting in the pub with your friends, isn't it? No, it's sort of like, it's poetry, but it's a bit cooler than poetry. It's a bit somewhere between rapping and poetry usually. Sounds dreadful. Well, I don't know.

Polar bear. It's poetry, but they don't want it to sound like poetry. No. And my mate asked me along, and he said that he'd already asked his other mate, and would I like to come? and I said well I'm happy to go with you

but if your other mate is definitely going I'll not go do you know the other mate no I don't know and you feel like you're being set up with other people's friends like I don't like it when

you sound like a jealous lover no a friend of a friend of yours invites you to something that he's invited his other friends who you don't know too I don't like the friends of friends You don't like people. I don't like...

I do like people. I don't like... I'm not very good with new people. But sure if that friend was a new people once. It's like, okay, Gareth, Frank and I were friends of friends. What friends do we have in common? No, Frank and I, you and I don't have any friends in common. Frank and I.

Frank and I were friends of friends. Frank and I. And then we broke through. Yeah. Broke through. What? Well, then we became friends. Then we became actual friends.

We stopped being F-O-F and just became F. Exactly. You see? Yeah, that's what happened. So, having said that, I once, I toured with a guy called Steve Best. Do you know him? Is it a comic? No.

Okay. He's a life. He's a lot of a friend who might know. Yeah. And I went out with him and his wife once, both very nice, who I knew. Very much. They brought a friend. Oh, yeah.

And a woman. And I have to say, I didn't take to her at all. Oh, God, was it me? No, but I really didn't, no, it wasn't you? I really didn't take to her. Oh, I love this. Hang on, I'm getting comfy. I love this story.

I'd say it was about 20 past 10 in the evening. Why didn't you take to her, Frank? Come on. I can't remember now, but I remember very clearly saying to her, you know, I really don't like you at all. You did not? I did. Oh, my days.

Yeah, and it was, well, it was an awkward moment. Yeah, it will be when you say that to someone. It wasn't an... I don't think that's an alvers statement. But I just felt it needed to be said. And... I bet that warmed up the evening with three. No, but it was towards the end of the evening.

I'd given a severi, several... Can I ask you? Were you single at this time? I'd given a Labby-Sifery albums by the score. Were they trying to sort of set you up? No, not at all now. Oh, just friends. No, no. They thought, oh, you know Frankl hate.

Yeah, I don't want a relationship when I hate them. at the beginning you know that would be completely everything would do I go before my horse to market what was it

about this woman that you took against well I can't really remember it wasn't a grey area you know it would have to be

very strong for me to actually say you know I don't like you very much but I know

it wasn't just jealousy because you do get friend jealousy you know what I mean you think oh I wonder where we are in the league table

of their friends Also, Frank, don't you hate it when the friends are friends, I hate friends a friend, when they start going, oh, don't you remember when we did that thing? We went to Spain. And it's always something before you met them. It's like old school friends. I hate it.

And I feel like I'm the one in the back of the car leaning through trying to talk to them. That's how I feel at that. I'm not really listening. And I would have been, like, they are both, I would have been the other friend. That's the thing. Because I'm quite a gentle person.

Yeah, you would, I'm not being rude, but you would have been. I would have definitely been a friend. I'm always the other friend. I don't know if you've even been the other friends. I think you might have been making up the numbers. Shut up. Yeah. I think you'd have been...

I thought I'd better invite this blocs out and sit in for ages. I think you might have even been that. But I think this... Something happened in the car. Well, there was a... Something happened in the car? It was an incident. On the way, I noticed something that confirmed my suspicion.

I don't think I would have got on with this other friend. They were both wearing the same scoreblazer. No, he didn't... Just me and the friend went. in the end. The other friend didn't... You saw him off. He won. Well, no, he wouldn't have liked this slightly arty-spoken-word situation. He thought it was load of all rubbish.

I thought you didn't know him. Well, no, that's what my friend said. My friend said about the other friend. You know what he's trying to do now? Yeah, and if you had to go on, he'd have said that about you. Exactly, see. Oh, it's not true. Anyway, I got in the car.

He's trying to play you off against one. And I told you being played like violence. I noticed in the car, on the inside of the windscreen, drawn in the condensation was the genitals of a man who had done what the friend of the friend had done it and the friend of the friend had drawn that on I'm losing up myself so you knew where to sit did he write in the dirt if my wife was this dirty I wouldn't leave the house in the morning no he hadn't done that okay well let him off he had done it spoke volumes

what a horrible man I think you're right I think, I once saw, written in the dirt of a white, well, not written, drawn in the dirt of a white van. A really fabulous drawing of Hank Williams, the country of Western legend. It was brilliant. And it just drawn in dust. And I thought, a bit of rain and that I'll be got it. But honestly, it was one of those moments in life where you think, oh, isn't, well, I'll hear what it was.

Reasons to be cheerful, part three. Yeah, it was. Well, not necessarily part. three, but you know what I'm saying. How many of those jingles have you got? The choice with those other friends. They don't always know their place. That's the problem.

I've come up with a little bit of an invention. I've never had an invention before. Yes. But it did... Never had an invention. I've never invented anything. Right. Okay.

And this week, that's all changed. because due to the adverse weather conditions this week you may have noticed last week I apologise very windy and rainy my worst combo can't bear that it's not popular it's not universally popular I don't mind a bit of wind on its own

don't mind a bit of rain on its own but together it's a lethal cocktail yeah you're right because you get the upturned umbrella who can look good with that oh I hate the upturned umbrella it makes me feel sick the humiliation I just feel so mortal I hate it I end up walking against a wind with the umbrella not shelter me from the rain at all, but just have it go straight forward to try and stop it to do it.

Because it happened to me once. It blew inside it. This is absolutely true. And somebody walking past as I tried, struggle to get it back, said, go on, get a life. And I thought, what do you mean? Get a life. This is not something I've come out to do. This is not a pastime.

I'm struggling here. Can you believe it? Anyway, so I, so what's your invention? Okay. A windshield of some kind. No, it's still an umbrella. I'm actually, I honestly want to go on Dragon's Den with this. I want to go on Dragons Den, Duncan Bannertine. I think you'll be impressed.

Isn't Dragon's Den the name of your house? Very good. It's an umbrella. That was the most... Sorry, I'm completely blank. I'm really glad you busted in there. When I was on the cut. This week's competition is complete that sentence.

That was the most... From Gareth John Richards. So anyway... Oh, I've lost my place now, Frank. Yeah, my invention. Oh, yeah. So, do you want to know what it is? Oh, God.

It's an umbrella, but it's made of metal. So it's like a... I think I might have seen one of these before. No, you haven't. It's a steel umbrella. A steel umbrella. Yes, but thin sheets of metal. Oh, you mean?

Sol canvas. Yeah, no canvas at all. Just still, the whole thing is metal. It's retractable. It goes in and out quickly. Heavy. A bit heavy. No.

I've thought of that. Because it's made of whatever that substance they make business card holders with it's made of that like a little metal yes but wafer thin like sort of laptop Mac Airbook thin and then it's retractable one action and that's it

in and out stainless steel yes but that stain sometimes I find does it but you wouldn't it wouldn't be shaking water everywhere it would protect you against the wind no because the water would just come off it'd be dry in a second won't the edges be quite sharp yeah you know when you walk along and you click

you click on umbrellas of it The sparking, the actual sparking. It'd be like Ben Hur, I'd love it, with the chariot racing. You could slice the top of someone's head off. I think it'd have to be heavy, though. No, they can do things very aerodynamically now. With steel. Yes.

It's funny to be made of something else. I think it's a good invention. My judgment is off. I was absolutely convinced that the umbrella hat was going to be a big thing. You remember the umbrella hat? What is that? It's just like a hat that you wear like a cap. It straps under the chin and it's got an umbrella hat.

When I first saw them, I thought, well, that, that's going to absolutely. There'll be no umbrellas in two years' time. The umbrella, if I'd have had money, if I'd have been Dragon's Day, and I'd have put everything into the umbrella hat. Where are they now? Imagine if I turned up on Dragon's Day and I'd never told you, and you just suddenly saw me. It'd be the best thing ever.

Would you love that? I'm going to do that. With like four blokes hauling in the umbrella. All oil, torsos. One of them accidentally. drops it against himself and slices open his chest. It's not sharp. Blood everywhere. Anyway, it's a work in progress.

I won't be investing. So, speaking of illness, did you see Jillian McKeith faint? Oh, I loved it. On the jungle program. What did you think? Real or? I don't know. I only caught it.

Real or no real. I was going to say that. Real or no real. I think it's generally. accepted to be unreal. Mock faint. Mock faint. Yeah.

I have to say, I have never fainted in my life, right? Consequently, I don't know that I believe in fainting anyway. I can't not believe in it. I don't, I'm not sure it's ever, there's ever been a real faint. Oh, I fainted. Yeah, but I can imagine you, you know, a difficult situation. Someone says, you never return my phone calls. Oh, oh.

It'd be classic. I used to faint all the time. You can't help it. I don't think you can faint all. That's a coma, surely. No, I did. I had low blood sugar, so it would happen. I fainted on the tube.

I fainted in a bar. I fainted in front of Evan Dando, a lemon head's gig. I'm not joking. I've been carried out a lot. Yes. Well, I've been carried out a lot, so I've never fainted in my life. Well, what cost blood sugar? Didn't you?

Have a lucid? What's the matter with you? You don't understand. medal thing. But I do think she's a terrible faker. I think she's a terrible faker. I think she's a terrible fack here. I went to her for some Eastern religious advice and it was rubbish. She was sitting on a bed of nails and even that had got corks on the end. Well it is Australia to be fair. So when the mock faint now, I've often thought it would be a great thing to have up your sleeve. A couple of occasions I've actually considered it is as people

have said, give us your phone number and I'll... And I think, oh, the mock fainting. Shall I do the mock faint? But I haven't done it yet. I'd like to feel I have the... I always worry that if you use illness as an excuse for anything, like, you know, we're mock faint or... My girlfriend tells her, tells a story. This bloat was...

She went out on a sort of a semi-date. They were on the boss. Is that kind of a date? Before she met you, we should say. Well, I sort of in the in-between. Oh, don't give us the innards. Yeah, we've had, you know, we've had... Yeah, anyway, she was on the bus with this guy, and I don't think she mind me telling this, sorry.

I'm just going to have a look at my phone in case she's texted just from the setup. No, it's all right. And she decided she didn't want to go on the date after all, and she said to him, sorry, my liver's just failed. And got off the bus. And the next day he emailed her and said, oh, God, how are you? And she said, well, I'm fine, having forgotten what the excuse. But, I mean, I always think if you say that, some terrible revenge,

come back. Although in fairness, you could have said that once and it would have been true, Frank, back in the day. Back in your bad days. Well, it never failed. It was sturdy. Sturdy. It was almost made of stone.

But I remember reading, I think it was in a poem, a poem about excuses. And there's one I almost use. If you can't make anything, you know, you're going to be, can't turn up. It says, I can't make it. I'm anticipating the delivery of a plum tree.

and I've used that and people don't question it I like Garrett we had a meeting right this week and Gareth turned up late and what happened and he said Five minutes like I just say it was five minutes

10 minutes like 10 10 And Garrett said oh sorry I was in a cafe around the corner having a coffee on my own Oh well I'm sorry to hear that It's everything all right now

I was one At university, I was at a mate's house, and there was someone coming around who I didn't particularly want to see. I didn't particularly like them. And you said, I've been in a cafe having a coffee. Thanks. No, in the room, they had a cupboard. And as I heard them ring the doorbell, I got into the cupboard. Okay. But then they just all came and sat down in the room.

So I was just in the cupboard. How long are you in there for? Are you Mr. Timms? No, only a couple of minutes and then I realised I should probably just get out of the cupboard. I don't know, I think that was a rash decision. I think you could have got it an hour.

Oh, really, well, that's, um, I'm loving it. So, uh... Another little story from Gareth's life. Fabulous. Anyway, if... This was the soundtrack when I was in that. the cafe. That's why I got carried away. I understand that. insensitive data so you can say yes to Gen A.I and still protect what matters most. Visit

harmonic.security before your crammed jewels end up in a chat bot. That's annoying. What? You're a muffler. You don't hear it? Oh, I don't even notice it. I usually drown it out with the radio. How's this? Oh yeah? Way better. Save on insurance by switching to Bell Air Direct and use the money to fix your car. Bell Air Direct. Insurance simplified. Conditions apply. Now, can I say, I mean, I know that we weren't, we talked about the idea of never discussing this on air, but Gareth, we were out, we were having lunch, and Gareth mentioned something casually, and me and Emily looked at each other with, we were shocked. If fainting was a real thing, I might well have fainted. And I said to Gareth, don't, don't tell us anymore, tell us on air, and said, oh, I don't know if I wanted to, but anyway. We've persuaded him. Well, I don't know if it's that big a deal.

I, um, it was probably the early 90s. My parents went, like... How old were you? I was probably about 11 years old. My younger brothers would probably have been sort of 7 and 8, something like that. Okay, so we've got three children, 11, 7 and 8. Lovely little children. Their parents are going on holiday without.

Yeah, well, they can't, at times were hard. It was the, I think we were just coming out of the 1980s recession. Well, you know, they hadn't been on the holiday together for a lot. You know, they've had kids for 12 years. Oh, that will happen when you have kids. They tend to hang around for a bit. Yeah, they want to go on holiday with you. Demanding little beasts.

They couldn't afford to take us all. Okay. So they left you home alone? Kitchen business. Did they leave you with someone? Were you home alone? Yeah, no, a family then you moved in with us. A family came in?

And looked after us for the week. Right, okay. And, yeah, they went on holiday away together. Couldn't afford to take us. There's two points here. First of all, it wasn't just... They didn't just go down the road to pool or something like that. They went abroad.

They went to America. Yeah. And left the three young children behind. Where did they go in America, Garrett? They went to Disney World. It's so unbelievable. Talk about robbing their noses in it. Look, we're going on holiday kids.

Way! You're not coming. And once more, we're going to Disney World. What, they work in as characters? No. To be fair, my mum cried all the first day. In Disney World? What about the other 13 days? Too busy having a good time, I suppose, on the rides and stuff.

It's an incredible story, Gary. It's amazing. Did you question it at the time? I think it is. It's become normal, a bit normal, but we are aware that it's quite bad. quite bad. It's just, why were two adults? Do you think they were going to take you, first of all? Maybe they were doing a recie. They thought they'd go over there. See what, I'm just giving them the benefit of the death.

Are they very health and safety conscious? Yes. Yeah, so they thought, we'll try a few rides, make sure it's all right. And then they realized they didn't have enough money to take the children. Well, it could still happen. You could still get the phone call. Yeah. They took us to Euro Disney. Oh, did they? Oh, did they? How was that? The same year or? Later on when I was about 16. Oh, so they took you to the bad one. Yeah. It's a cold, horrible one with the French people in it.

But they went to the lovely one. It said, I can't, why did they go to Disney World? It doesn't make any sense. It's weird. Do they like, I mean, were they always interested in Mickey Mouse? Or why did they choose Disney? I think my grandma had a timeshare that's in Florida, but you can swap that to different places. Oh, so the accommodation was paid for?

Accommodation was paid for. Okay. You know, can I say, you've taken me to a little? level of disbelief with this story that I thought, I honestly thought you were going to say I think my granny had a type machine. That to me would seem less incredible than the parents going to Disney World story.

That would seem like a kitchen sing drama. Did they send your postcards in as you were here? With Mickey Mouse on. They must have sent that. They brought us presents back. Lovely. I think they got me the mouse from Dumbo. Not Mickey Mouse, which is what everyone wants.

No, I said they had that. They bought a Mickey house, but that was kept in their room. You had to have the mouse, the stand-in, the mouse from Dumbo. Mouthy little creature that it was. It ain't Mickey. I think they were doing a recchi.

I think that's what it was. Yeah, because you did end up going to Euro-Disney in the end. And actually, at least, okay, you think that's bad. My father took me and my sister to a Michael Jackson concert. He went off to get three ice creams. He came back licking one going, so I only had enough money on me for one. That's quite bad.

It is quite... If you'd tell me that story before the deal with that story, I'd have said that was a terrible, cruel treatment of young children. However, now, it seems like an act of kindness. On the award-winning absolute radio, I'm saying on the award-winning absolute radio. Let me hear you say. We won awards, didn't we? We did. What a week it's been?

We had Elton John. for a start-off. Oh, here he comes. Imagine him on a small piano-type train now going through the studio. Morning Elton. Scott, one of those scarves that stick out. Wired scarves that stick out. There he goes.

Just like a little Yoda. Yeah, it's careful. I spent the whole night. You know, I've spent, I don't send this in because it's easy to Google. But, you know, that Rocket Man. and I've always thought, what is that? Right? So he did Rocket Man at this week when we went to see him live.

And he did. So I happened to catch him in the hallway, and I said, because someone I've wanted to know my whole life. I said, what is that bit after, man? And he went, oh, you mean? I didn't. And I said, what is that? What do you mean?

And he said, no, that's what I say? I go, He said it's based on an alien language from Alpha Centauri. No, it's not. He said, yeah, he said he helps to become fluent in it one day. But he said, as he admitted himself, he thinks it's going to be a long, long time. Anyway, I was reading about the scientists in the... The scientists.

You know the scientists. The boffins. They were... Good name for a band, the boffins. I'll write that down next to the tong... In the Tong twister section. the boffins as if that would pose any problems tongue twister wise

anyway it's written you know they were saying that they might have got it wrong about when life started on earth that it might have been a bit earlier than they thought and they think they are 400 million years out now if in any other profession if you know if Phil the Power Taylor was missing by those kind of margins

if I was 400 million years late for one of our meetings yes I was yesterday you were pushing for us Yeah, I'd certainly evolve to do with the time I sat in the restaurant. Anyway, yeah, so I was thinking about things that I've been wronged about for a long time. You know, you can have what you think you really know, and then you really, one day you think, I know I was absolutely certain.

Now, what sort of thing? Well, par example, I was utterly convinced for years, and I think this is something that a lot of of people suffer with, that one, when you talked about the human bone thing, when it's all joined together and forms a sort of a skeleton. Yeah, Skellington, you see. I was, I thought called it Skellington until I was about 46. And somebody eventually said to me, because he said, first of all, I on ground a lot of people who also called it Skellington, so nobody was going to correct me. Did you seriously say Skellington? Always said Skellington. And then, of course, When I started going to telly, I mixed with a lot of sophisticated people

and knew it wasn't Skellington, but they were too frightened to say anything because now I had massive power. So they left me to my ignorance. And eventually some brave person said, you know, that's skeleton. And I said, no, I think you'll find it Skellington. I mean, I fought for it. That was a terrible thing. Oh, it's when you fight for it.

I mean, I had a thing with, I was at number 10 down in the street. Oh, God. start to any um i'd broke in they no i hadn't that's a good place to admit you've done something wrong yes i've very few inhabitants do but i was at number 10 down in street and uh have i got time for this story i'll say it quickly it was a charity do sheree was there and tony blair and tony blair said there was a painting of brian ricks you know brian ricks yes the theatre empressario yes i know So anyway, I said, oh, Brian Ricks, he said, yeah, he said he was here the other night. I said, I don't think he was.

Oh, Frank? He said, no, he was here. He was here in front. I said, no, he's dead. And Tony Blair, it was the Prime Minister. He said, no, no, he was here the other night. And I said, look, obviously I don't argue with the Prime Minister. But I'm telling you, he's dead.

And he said, Frank, he was here. I can't believe you had an argument with Tony Day. I had a small hiatus where I thought, oh, he called me Frank. Did he say, look? Did he say, look? And he said, no, but he said, honestly, he said, I met him. I said, that'd be his son. His son has taken over the reins in the charity.

He said, no, it was, it was Brian. I said, I'm sorry, I know for a fact he's dead. You know, you meet a lot of people. It's understandable. He goes, no. So anyway, I went home and looked it up, and of course he's alive. And as if Tony Blair would have. ever lie about anything.

Yeah, I know. It was ridiculous. So, Frank, never mind that. Do you want to hear about how I felt my age this week? Yes, of course you do. It's your favourite thing ever. Yes. I felt so... I'm tense. I'm tense already.

Oh, you really should be tense. I felt so old. I've never felt more old than I did this week. Two incidents, first incident, on the phone to my editor's child, who's two. And she did that very cute thing of saying, oh, speak to you. to Emily on the phone and I went, Hello, Danny, darling. One of my great hates is being passed over.

To anyone. Oh, I like a passover. Do you want to speak to, I'm the one always miming in the background with their hands going, no, I don't get if it's someone, I don't care if it's Bob Dylan phones. I don't want to be passed over ever on the phone. If I want to phone someone, I'll phone them. I don't want to suddenly be an addendum. No, sorry, Bobby doesn't want to talk to you just now.

I don't want to be the sob plot in Naked City. See you later. Oh, I like a child passover. Okay. Child passover, any Jewish people listening, I love that particular. That was for David Bidil, actually. So I sort of said, hello, Danny. You know, you do the kid voice.

I don't. Oh, I do. I say, who is this? And then they start crying. I can't carry off. I said, hello, Danny. How are you, darling? It's lovely to talk to you.

And do you know what he said? That's my granny. A 72-year-old Scottish woman. That's apparently who I... No, she's not Scottish. Oh, he meant you? Yeah, he thought I was his granny. Okay, he wasn't...

So that made me... He wasn't pointing at some fallen figure in the corner. I've been there for three days on attended. And you just put the phone down. Again, he's... What, he's big cry for help? No. Oh, well...

So Danny thought I was his granny. That doesn't mean that you look old. That means you sound old. That ain't so bad. Yeah. But I also, apparently... John Craven. John Craven used to have a voice. John Craven.

They had spring in it. It had spring. It was like the opening of Beethoven's pastoral symphony, his beautiful voice. And now when you hear John Crave, where we are, on the contrary, get him off. He's not looking his best either. Let's stop with him now.

So do you want to hear the second incident? Yeah, definitely. Well, I was at the office Christmas party, and I was dancing with the young ones, throwing some shapes. Dancing with the young ones. Yeah, not the actual one. That would have been good.

I think it was really like... Including that one who no one remembers. the sort of one who was... Mike, the terrible one. Turns out he's the best dancer of the more. Isn't that weird? Because he's obviously the least important. So I think it was during re-light my fire

that I felt my hip go. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, my friend. Lily had the very same thing. And she did it. My hip, Frank, I could almost hear it pop. Like the Queen Mother or something.

It was awful. That's terrible, your hip. Is it... Well, I lied and said it was because I did fall in the snow. thankfully, so I didn't tell anyone it was because of the dancing. I said it was because of my fall. That doesn't sound much better, does it? My fall. Well, it sounds a bit better.

Did you say I've had one of my fours? That doesn't help. That's, um, oh dear. I'm old, aren't I? Well, you know, I suppose any, a child could, no, you're old. Yeah, I am. I bought a small gift, a tote.

I don't buy presents, as you may recall. Yeah, we noticed. Okay, so, um, I mean, it's not at all Christmas here, though, is it? Absolute. Where's the tree? No tree. No tree, no trimmings. Cutbacks.

Yeah, it could be that, actually. I think they've peeled off the wallpaper to sell it. There's a tiny bit of absolute... Oh, that's true. I don't know if you know the logo, but purple is the big colour here. It's basically absolute radio and the Pope. It's like a purple. Stick with purple as a main.

Yeah, anyway, so I thought I'd buy a present for a friend's daughter. and I was sure in my mind that she was eight. I had it in my... She's eight. So I bought her Chris Cress' Secret Seed Club, which is a little book with some pictures of Chris Cress, who is essentially Cress. He consists of Cress, you know.

And, you know, Cress that used to get in a tray? Yes, I do. I just don't think it's a very nice hero for a book. I want to call him a hero. I call him a protagonist. Anyway, Chris Cress is a member of the secret seed club, and the book comes with a collection of seeds.

Wait, if this seed club is a secret, the fact he's called Chris Cress gives some of the secret away, I think. The clues in his say. What sort of seeds are involved for this guy? No, but the whole club is a secret. And anyway, so I bought this for the eight-year-old daughter. I thought that'd be lovely, because she'll be able to read the book, look at the pictures, and also plant the seeds.

Oh, it comes with seeds? Yeah, it comes with a packet of, I mean, how often, it's like, say if I bought, what if you could buy, say if, Emily, I bought you Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, and there was actually some body parts, and maybe some sort of electrical rig, and you could set up, you know, you could reanimate, reanimate a corpse. I mean, you know, it was like, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's that on a smaller version. Anyway, it turns out she was 12. Oh, she's not going to like Chris Cress. No, she was... Her Crest days are over. No, she's, you know... Apparently, so her mom said she wears a bra on her, for God's sake.

She's not going to like Chris Cress then. Well, not unless she grows Cress in it. Anyway, I felt she was a bit affronted that I'd got her age mixed up. So anyway, what I'm... She just thinks she's a bit of a loser. She's not affronted. Well, it didn't go very well. You know, the years, it's only four years,

but, you know, from 8 to 12 is a big, it's a big move. I had a bit of an incident, actually, this week, Frank. Well, I've always got some sort of an incident, as you know, as you well know. I don't think a week's ever past when you haven't had an incident. But this was a social situation, which was a little bit awkward, as the youth say. Can I eat a banana while you're... It's a little bit rude, but... I'll let it go.

Well, a banana is always a little bit rude. I'm doing the Dave Gorman thing of opening, not the end with the handle on. You know, they put the sticky out, but the other bit, much better. There you go. That was me. That sound effect, in case you could hear it,

it was, uh, carry on. Um, Al wouldn't do that. Um, so anyway, what are you doing now, Gareth? Sorry, I dropped some chocolate money, wrappers. Oh my God, I feel like kindergarten cop with you two. Right, do you want to hear my story? Yes.

So, this girl, it was at an in-style, it was at a work-do. She didn't actually work for in style. She was in the sort of publishing emper. Emily, by the way, is the deputy editor. You're an editor-in-tress. Deputy editor. So, but I know her. You know, I've known her over the last year.

I've said hello, and I've seen her in the corridor, etc. Anyway, we're talking, and she suddenly says, well, that's it, Lindsay. Oh. I went, oh, my God, she's called me Lindsay. Who's sold to you? Yes. No, she's talking to Lindsay Wagner. Robert Lindsay might be there.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't call him by his surname. He's a respected actor. Oh, no. I imagine he'd throw a bit of a hecy fit, if you called him, Lindsay. It seems a type. So then, Frank, I had the awful thing, I kept trying to drop my name in because I thought, oh, no, she wasn't biting.

She kept me out, bye, Lindsay. How did you drop your name in, incidentally? I just kept saying, well, and they said Emily. They said, Emily. Did you really? I'd like to. I'm very much like to see that in action. But the thing is, now, I'm Lindsay. I'm committed. I've accepted that that's my name. So I've got, what am I going to do? No, that is...

No idea, Lindsay. Yeah, shall we go with it all the time? I just call that thing. Did you consider saying, uh... That's not my name. At any point. No, because she didn't call me Mary Jo Lisa, unfortunately. I thought it's a pity she didn't call you that. But it got ugly.

scream that's radio days. I don't mean days isn't stupor. And me days, as in a seven for the weeks old, this is a take not a blooper.