The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: Italian Submarine

Episode Date: July 15, 2026

We're back in 2014 and Frank’s got a head on his wall! They also discuss how we can be a bit more like Emily, and cheerleaders suing their parents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We haven't talked about Jamie. Did you see he had a bit of an embarrassment this week? Oh, he's opening an Italian restaurant in Hong Kong. Yeah, he's launching a restaurant in Hong Kong. Terrible idea, that you? Do you think they call him number one super guy? He decided, you know what people decide to do when they go to a foreign country? They try their hand at the lingos.

Smash the stadium up, you mean? Oh, sorry, I've... They try their hand to the lingers. Back at the football Huluna knew that you aren't. But it's all right to try a bit of German or something like that, because we can all grasp. If bin ain't a lina. That's a verboten. But...

Actu liba got mine bine is co-broken. Pardon? Mine God. Oh my God, my leg is broken. Oh. Oh, I love that Kaiser Chief's song. Yeah. But he attempted Cantonese.

I think... Now she's a tricky mistress. Points for attempting. Cantonese. I would say, yeah. Yeah. That's a difficult one, Cantonese. Well, do you get points, so, if you're trying to sell your restaurant?

Well, that's true. Oh, yeah. This is, like, you're thinking, I'll do anything. I'll speak Cantonese if it comes to him. Push comes to shop. Do you know what it is? I bet he's oversimplified that rule. You know, when you go for a Chinese and some people lean in and go,

oh, this must be a good Chinese restaurant. Look, there's lots of Chinese people eat here. I bet he's thinking, if I open an Italian in Hong Kong, people will go, this must be a good Italian. Look, there's a lot of Chinese people. He's made a mistake. He's made a terrible mistake. He's totally...

He's got... He's got cuisine blindness. He tried to speak Cantonese, and he said he'd be opening an amazing Italian submarine, he said. I like that, though. Did you? Yeah, I think... What if he does?

We shouldn't rule out that he might open an Italian submarine. That's his only chance there is a novelty Italian restaurant. I'll tell you why, it might not be a... be somewhere in it, it'll soon go under. Hey? That's my prediction on the Italian... I mean, we don't know that these are not a keen... What about those chickens that are sort of wide open?

You know, those chickens that look like an open book? Batchcocked. Oh, yeah. They're in the windows, but they look... Oh, I know. They're opened up. It's like they've got the thoms in the rib cage. I've always thought they'd make a lovely novelty mirror frame.

Have like a mirror in the middle. I'll bear that in mind for your birthday. Thank you very much. Or a book cover. Do you want it based it? I'd see, oh yeah, I think if it's going to be a book cover, you're going to have to Scotch Garding. Yeah.

If it's going to last. But you could have, depending on the different book, you can have a different creature in case in it. Jamie Oliver, and this restaurant, he's starting in Hong Kong, but he's attempted the lingo, and I think no good will come of it. he said well first of all we established

that he said he was going to open an amazing Italian submarine now he said the restaurant would be very slippery well it might be yeah it could there's a lot of oil involved in Italian food yeah that's true they spread oil

that's true there's a lot of you know there could be a bit of balsamic in there sounds like the floor's going to be lovely you see that is it MSG that they put in Chinese food yeah you see the good thing about it's got a matte finish you can have that on the floor and you still have plenty of grip. But your olive oil,

it's an accident waiting to happen. He tried to say Causeway Bay, and he said, bronze bed. I like the sound of a bronze bed, though. You know I like a hard surface, Frank. I know. Well, again, he's going to have a bronze bed in his Italian submarine, isn't it?

Yeah. He's having it. Oh, you're imagining the bed knobs and broomsticks, kind of underwater world. He's got a bit of money. If he wants an Italian submarine... If he's got a bit of money.

Like cribs. I agree. I agree, though, that he's got a lot of money. So why is he opening at an Italian restaurant in Hong Kong? What keeps people going? Good, isn't it? I've got a nice holiday in Hong Kong. But, you know, I sort of carry on working because I really like, you know, I like doing the jokes, me.

But will he ever go? And the impressions, don't rule like the impressions. I mean, I'm always evolving. That's different. A whole new career for you. Anyway, but where is the joy in opening an Italian restaurant? If he's got the money, he's got other restaurants. The idea of a restaurant...

He's got the submarine. The reason you want a restaurant is so you can hang around and then in the evenings and say, all right, Dave. Dave! Dave! Dave is there in Hong Kong. You know, but you sit down... Go over to the table and say everything all right, you mean.

Did you see... Did you see Fleming this week? Yeah, I was a bit disappointed in the last episode. You know, that kind of thing? You think that's how he's run his restaurants in the UK? Are you confusing having a restaurant empire with being a regional publican? No. He might have said, I mean, he might have said, you know,

if you seen Fleming, that was pocker. I know it's a bit different with him. He's a bit of a character. But that's what's about hanging out and feeling what's the benefit? Just a bit of extra money. I don't know how much money people need. So we were talking about Jamie Oliver Frank. Yeah.

And I don't think, it's only that you're not a fan, but you're not a fan of... I like him. His empire building. I just don't know. I don't understand why he wants... What pleasure does he get from? You know, oh, pretty good takings, Jamie, the Italian in Hong Kong last night. Oh, pucker, fantastic.

I think he says more than pucker now. No, I know. But do people think like that? Anyway. Anyway, you know, God bless him. I think he's a nice man. Yeah. I was in Korea once.

And I'll tell you this story. And I was trying to order in a Korean restaurant. Okay. And they, it's not like a lot of, there's no English. Nothing. There's nothing on, there's no letters you can identify. That no one in the restaurant spoke English. I had to mime the whole order.

So first of all, I just wanted to drink a water. So I start. And I started mime in rain. You know, rain, you know when you hold your hands up turned? So I did that. And the waitress. Oh, I could tell the waitress really wanted to help. But she was just looking at me.

So then I did a drawer. She brought me a napkin and a pen. And I drew, I thought it was a very good tap. I mean, really quite a good one. a proper cartoon tap with water coming at the bottom and she went, ah, and went away and came back with an enormous, like a litre of beer. And I said, no, no, no, no. And I got the, I pretended I was washing then, you know, for water.

And she went, ah! And she went away and she came back with a wet napkin so that I could wash my face with it. And I squeezed the water from the napkin. into the palm of my hand and licked it. And then she came back with a glass of water. I was so pleased for myself. And then she patted her stomach to my meeting.

And I went, and she just bought me a whole chicken. So I had a chicken and water. That was what I had for my meal. A whole chicken and a glass of water. Honestly, it was like being a fox. A pithy one to start, dear Frank M. and Allen, given that the creeks are rising, do I need to be worried about my future Saturday morning entertainment?

Yours with the warm embrace, John. That's a very, if you're not familiar with the show, we always end by, I think it's from the Grand Old Opry or something of that nature. If the good Lord Spares and the creeks don't rise. But it's never occurred to me that the Esther creeks have been rising quite a lot. They have. Yes. I don't you just love our readers at those spot?

I do. They're clever. When there's, you know, most people are out on the street going, Whoa! Oh, yo, woo. That's what most people do. That's what most people do. I'm not in Britain with their time.

Yeah, another one of Frank's impressions there this morning. Oh my goodness. You must have lay in bed and thought, and I heard, whoa, yo, and thought, Oh. Where is your new house? I'm never getting out of this bed.

Are they the same? people that say Frankie Legend? What about, well, I don't know who they are. They're just, they're just, when they sing, rather than trying to sing their very best and sound melodic, they go, whoa, go, whoa. I saw that Paul Daniels, did you see it, Paul Daniels I saw on Sky News with the lovely Debbie McGee.

Oh, they do everything together. And she had, she had a Macon on, on air quite a big Mac I'm got a big Mac Yeah I think Was it belted They had

I think it was belted Yeah I think that was just to cover The saw marks Years have been Sown in half Yeah It must chaf eventually

It must Yeah I mean even if you're really good at it Eventually You're going to get it wrong And you're going to catch a bit of skin In the teeth Can I ask you

A sensitive question about Paul Daniels Go on. With the hair area, he's just open and exposed about it, isn't he? There's no hats in play? No, no. Okay, good. I mean, I imagine, if he's got any hats, it's got livestock in them. Yeah. That's how he works.

That's where the hair's gone. They showed your photos of his lovely home by the side of the Thames. And the water was like three feet up the inside of the house. Made me think that maybe his magical powers aren't quite what he's built them up to be. Yeah, David Blaine wouldn't have stood for that, would he? He would have just... I totally agree with you on this, it's like Paul McKenna. Well, why can't you give yourself hair?

Yeah, exactly. It's true, if you can do anything. They claim, they claim magical powers. But when tested, bald and single, what's going on? Whereas Dynamo, I written, he'd have dried the whole thing out in seconds. Yeah, yeah. He's good, he's good.

Oh, yeah. Oh, he's the best. We like Dynamo in the Cockrell household. Yeah. Yeah, I like him. We're going to continue with the email corner And he downplays himself, you know what I mean? He doesn't wear the top hats

That's all I like about him. He's just like some ordinary... Low-key. One can imagine him in the street. Whoa! And then suddenly he's took... You know, you go over and say, I kick the noise down. You think, oh God, he's coming at me.

He's took a coin from behind your ear. I don't want to downplay his humility. But he has called himself Dynamo. I mean, he's not... You know, you not have that bash for the back-skill, I imagine that's been, that's because he likes Kiev. All right, yeah, yeah, he's a big fan. No, I imagine he's been, it's been forced on him by people saying,

whoa, you're like a, like a dynamo. People. I like the sound of those advisors. Well, because they're the sort of able to go, they can't think of any good magical allusion, so they've had to come up with something that you might have on a 12-speed racer. I have another one here. Hi, Frank, Emily and the Cockrell.

I am a girl, not yet a woman. Oh, I love that reference. I'm a girl, not yet a woman. Oh. Is this one of your impressions, or have you burst into a song? No, that was it. That was a Britney Spears song. I saw the film.

Did you? I did. Okay. I didn't know. There was a film. Yeah, she did a film. Called I'm a girl, not yet a woman. I don't know if it's called that.

Is it crossroads? Is it crossroads? Is it crossroads? Oh, yes, I saw the film too. We'll talk. I haven't seen it. Okay. I'm a girl, not yet a woman in my late...

Let's have a screening. In my mid-late 20s. What did you say then? In my mid-late 20s, and so obviously, Emily Dean is my mentor Paragon guide in all things. Oh, lovely. Well, me too. Oh.

Mid-late 20s? Carry on. We're moving on. Keep reading. Okay. I'm determined to use the... Let me see. I'm determined to use the phrase filthy creep more.

often and was delighted when I realized we both share a love of the dishwasher facial. Oh yes, I love the dishwasher facial. It's the quick steaming you give your face. You know when you put your, I pointed out once that when you place your head down in the dishwasher, just when it's opened, you've got to time it correctly, gives you an instant facial. Steams all the pores. It's great. I do it intentionally. Yeah, you've got to watch. What about the big knives? Don't get in, can I just say to our readers, don't get in too far because the big knives, when they're up, when they're erect.

They're dangerous. Okay. Don't come around mine then. We share a love the dishwasher facial and say our mobile number in the same rhythm. Oh, yeah. X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X. Yeah, that's what I was going to do, but less tunefully. Does the team have any further tips on how I can become more like Emily

and thus increase the number of night's moves? Oh, well, I've got one. Go on. Yeah, I've got at least one. Oh, oh. I think one thing that you might feel from listening to Emily on the radio is that she's a tremendous grace and poise. But I've walked with her now to, we go for brunch after the show.

Yeah. And I would say on average she falls over three, four times. I actually, one week I actually had, I was holding her shoulders walking her up their own And she was going, I was like an over-eager assistant. I had a bottle of vodka, to be fair. She drinks heavily during the last link. No, I did feel that I was working at a faith healing session. And I was going, come on, you can walk, you can't, it.

It was like that. Come on, you'll be fine. Look at me. It was like that. And I don't know what it is. I presume it was the shoes, but they weren't even your mega heels. No, I think it's just sometimes you have an issue with rain with these heels. So it wasn't a good, it wasn't one of my finest moments.

I like it. I like to think it's a deliberate mistake prank, as you always say, in the Persian carpet. Yes, exactly. Everyone needs a little fault. Yeah. I would say if you want to be more like Emily, just reply, sure, without looking at people.

When someone asks you a question, would you like a biscuit, sure? Just turn into some sort of comedy roasting. Yeah. Sure. Comedy roasting. Does the team have any further and thus increase the number of nights moves,

sadly lacking in them at the moment, to give you an idea of my taste, a potential suitor doesn't have to have fancy skills like the ability to jump onto people's faces, but I'd prefer he didn't eat onions like apples. Oh, yeah. Now, what we've gone here, we've gone in deep, deep radio references. That's Joe Darby, the black country man who used to jump on people's faces

and off again, his own child. Yeah. And baskets of eggs and water. And we've gone Peter the Wild. Peter the Wild, do it, and only know if it was an apple. That's brilliant, deep references. You know what? Esther, your night and my night. You can have some of mine.

There's plenty to go around. They're mainly from the Birmingham area. but you can't have everything. It's very, it's difficult to have. We know when people have types. Yes. People say, oh, they're not my type. I mean, it's a weird.

Yeah. I mean, I would have always said my type was a sort of very heavily waxed Billy Idol. And then I've ended up with a sort of Jane Russell's sort of pneumatic brunette. So it's difficult to have a checklist. I think you just, you know, it happens. It's cold friends, girls, radio days. I don't need days. We were doing days

As in a seven for the weeks old, this is A take not a blooper We were discussing You driving with your fuel light on For a considerable time We've had a text in From Helen Death too stressful

I can't even drive with the window wipers on extra fast Because I breathe the same rate as they are going That is because you're going to wipe a ventilate and slump at the wheel. Maybe that, if only George Michael had that excuse in his quivered, that could have got him out of a lot of trouble. Well, he can keep it up his little sleeves now. Oh no, he's clean now, though, isn't he?

Who doesn't indulge him? I don't know. Well, I believe so. When he worked up with a West Country accent, he had an epiphany. Oh, yeah. That's right. If he decided enough is enough. Yeah.

In an appropriately count fashion. Simon Monday has tweeted us He says I am the master of the twisting ankle Curbwobble Rarely do I manage a stumble free stroll I'm Emily Hashtag Spartacus

I like that I wonder if Simon favours a kitten heel Maybe Yeah I'm fine If I go over I went over on my ankle About three weeks ago

Properly went over on my ankle What did you have on A David Pleat slip on I just said a I don't have it played slip-on. And I went over and I thought, I really felt that I was on the very verge of breaking my ankle just crossing the road.

Imagine that. Oh, and I... What was the shoe? I suspected it more of a brogue? You know what? It was just... It was a slight brogue, but it was a slip-on, bro. Okay.

If you really want to know. I do. I do. Okay. Nice. There's another text that I'd like to read. I try not to read out the... Occasionally...

clerks. Nobby-dom-do. Sorry. Occasionally we get text messages that are abusive. This isn't in that category. Do we get those? Well, I don't...

I should tell you all I don't look at the text in case we get any abusive and I've become upset. Downcast. But I don't... You pick up on it. I don't feel wounded by this. I just want you to know. But we've had a text from Scouse Ian saying,

is it me, Frank, or does that bloke on the radio with you sound like Dennis Norden? Or has he always got a murray mint in his mouth? Oh. Do I sound like I've got a Murray mint in my mouth? No, but you do sound like Dennis Northern. Do I? And he's from Liverpool. So he says.

Well, I mean, they should stick together, the Northerness. It's basically making a point. I like you distancing yourself from the regionals. Well, you know, I'm in very much in no man's land in the middle of the country. So the north-south divide. We are the very cement if there was an Adrian's War. Yeah, but... Do you know what? Sometimes I thank my parents for the London ticket.

Yeah, you've really won the Postcode lottery, didn't you? I love Alan's accent. I think it's... Oh, thanks. Smash, I love your accent. What's that poem about the ambitious English lecturer who's ashamed of his wife? He says ashamed of his wife, and then it says something like her bargain casserole. her love of sad films, her regional vowels.

Oh. Is that today's texting? I like it. Yeah, what is that poem? You can identify that. Sounds like I wrote it. I say I don't read out the abusive text, but we've had one that's... Oh, no, I don't start reading it abusive.

It gives and it taketh away. Frank, you are indeed a funny man, but your tasting music is appalling. I don't think I agree with that. Make a flat what you will. There will be people listening to this on absolute 80s and absolutely 90s and all that. And they'll think, actually, that's right. It is terrible. I listen to Absolute A.T.

Sometimes I love it. Yeah. Well, God, my girlfriend. She loves Absolute Aetis. Oh, so do I. Oh, we'll get together. Greg Rogers. Does he?

Has tweeted. I don't see why she texts us to tell us that. Sorry, carry on. Continue. Reg Rogers. Yeah. I'll say it again. Has tweeted us with a photograph. of his petrol tank and it's right on the gauge.

Oh, wow. And he says, nearly on the light, good times. I love that, Greg. Life in the, should be life on the hard shoulder. I love Greg. Yes. I do. I'm saying that.

I love Greg because it's the name I give to the stuffed animal head on my wall. It is. Greg? Yeah. What's the animal? Where is that then? Is that in your study? I don't know what it is.

Can you believe I've gone ahead on my wall? Is that in your study? It's, yes, it's currently in what I now call the library. Or is that that room with three books in it? Yes. Oh. On a load of boxes. No, it's got lots of books, but make the boxes.

The library. Me and Katta always live, always live as if we've moved in the day before, no matter how long we live in a house. I rather like it. Makes me feel relaxed and I like it. But, yeah, so I've got, a friend of mine was emigrating to a, America and she couldn't, she has a collection of stuffed animals, but you can't take her stuffed animals to America unless you got the paperwork.

Yeah. You've got to prove where they were killed and how. Yeah, this is the basis of so many episodes of nothing to declare. Is it? Okay. So, anyway, I, um, so I took, she gave them all to her friends and I had, I had the biggest flat, so I got the biggest head. Oh.

But I don't know how to create. It's got big horns. But, um, I call it Greg. That's just, it's named after the false name I had when I opened a account for... I'm going to. Why I opened the account? Years ago. Okay.

Can you open accounts with false names? You could in the 80s. Oh, really? This is a dark story. If you're saying, I'm starting to wish I hadn't gone into it. I'm intrigued. There might still be money in it. Is it a dormant account this first one?

In-land revenue. I thought that was a woodpecker. fright me to death. I thought there's a wood check of a loose in here. Can you imagine that? It'd need to be 15 times in a second that you hit it like that. Remember we got the text last week. Or the week before, whatever it was.

Joe Johnson says, as a scouse and myself, I feel I can't comment on anyone's accent. It's a French man once asked me if I was speaking Arabic. Yeah, he had just said that he was going to go up from an Italian. submarine. Hey, we haven't talked about the cheerleader this morning. Oh.

Don't bring that up on me. That was Greg's business. No, not that cheerleader. Oh. The one who's suing her parents. Did you read about her? Oh, yes. Yeah.

She's from the, you couldn't make it up section of the newspaper, isn't it? She's 15 years old. She's... Is that all she is? Yeah, I believe so. She says her parents... abandoned her. Because they're a bit strict, I think.

Is that the idea? Yeah. Yeah. And so she's moved in with this other family, who I frankly love the sound of. Really? They're in glasinos. I hate them. He's an attorney. What's where you and I differ. See ya. An attorney? And is she going out with the son of the other family? Is that I forgot a lot? She really going out

with him? No. She had another boyfriend that she split up with. And that's the other reason she's suing her parents because they said she couldn't go out with him. Okay. Well, that sounds like a suable offence. They haven't got a to stand on the parents. I think these are the scenes. What they're being is parents.

Yeah, exactly. That's an outdated idea for ever I. I have a certain, you know, maybe, because her dad was a police chief, maybe he's a bit strict. Squares. Right. Yeah, exactly.

They're such squares. She said they forced her to play basketball. Yeah. They obviously got the whole basketball netball thing, me stop, and they made to play basketball, says, like, we're supposed to play netball the girls. And the dad realised it made a mistake, but wasn't prepared to back down, and he said he made to play basketball all the time.

You think that's what's happened? Oh, it's been playing like men who's like seven foot four knocking her about and stuff. Awful. Spirled out of control and now there's a lawsuit about it. Well, they also apparently gave her wine coolers in the back of the limo. That sounds like Miderer. I know, that's the other family. Oh, yeah, the Inglacinos, yeah.

Yeah, no, the pairments gave a beliement, and made a split with a boyfriend and made a playback. basketball. I mean, come on. I'm with her all the way. I'm not. Are you not? Why not? She stood outside with pom-poms going, I hate mum and Dad, Mom and Dad, give me an age, give me an eight. And then it was like that. Drunk. She's drunk. You know the thing that upsets me about this story the most is that the other parents are bankrolling this lawsuit. I love those parents. See, I just want it known to any of my son or daughter's

friends, parents, that if there's a point where I discipline my children and they then bankroll a lawsuit for them against me, I'm going to resort to physical violence. I'm coming around. Whoa. I'm going to hear. I'm going to hear. I'm going to say we are absolutely not approved physical violence. Oh, surely in this instance, that's totally approval.

No. Come on. See if we're alive. What, if another parent bankrolls your child having a lawsuit? You've got to be allowed. We still don't approve. We still don't approve. No. We really don't. I do. I'm saying it. Maybe I'm a shock job now.

He does, but he's not voicing. These are personal views, and not the views of absolute radio. Honestly. Come on. I like that's an incredibly reasonable tone, and he represents absolute major. Oh, I'm a company man at half. And can I say for any friends of Alan's son and daughter listening, if you fall out with your parents, a chance of being bankrupt. outrolled by Alan Coffron are absolutely zero. Did you read about the man who sued the casino? Because he said he was drunk.

I had a lot of sympathy with that argument. No. No, I did, really. Mark Johnston. He lost half a million dollars in Las Vegas casino. Who hasn't? Well, I haven't. No, that's the texting.

And he said, they served him 20 drinks, and he drunk 10 beforehand as well. He's got a thirst on him. You say that, that was a Sunday night for you back in the day. Oh, yesterday, when we were young. Come on, everybody. But he said... So many, many songs.

He said that it was irresponsible of them to let him play the tables. I think that... I think if a really drunk man comes in and says, I want some chip... I mean, don't... I've heard many a drunk of men... I'm walking to say I want some chips. But I'm in a casino. I think that that is a bit of responsible.

doesn't really know what he's doing. So what about that? Okay, I'll tell you why I disagree with you. What about when I drunkenly download Thong Song on iTunes, which I did do? So can I go to iTunes and say, give me that 79p back? I didn't want to buy Thong Song Song. I was drunk. I'll give you the money back. What about that? I'm just so relieved. You give me the money myself? When you said, I remember that time I got drunk and I'm so relieved if you don't know is on YouTube, I'll give you the 79 pence. And if it's there, I'll give you the money myself. Are people going to sue the phone company?

when they send drunk texts to ex-boy and girlfriends. It's ridiculous. What about when I bought that packet of pickled onion monster munch? I want that a 49 p-back. Yeah, they probably owe me for... Just the invoice me. For about Alex Turner. He said he'd had 10 drinks before, and then he had another 20 in the casino.

Yeah. And he said, about the ones that he had before, he said, I've got to take responsibility for that. And then exact quote, but the unfortunate part about it for them is that they have a more bigger responsibility than I do. No, no, they don't. No one's got a bigger responsibility for you than you. Grow up. Oh, well, but we have to look after society's dronks.

If you, as he said, if you saw a drunk being, having his wallet picked in the street because he was drunk, you'd step in, wouldn't you? Yeah, but I don't think that's quite the same. If the robber gave you loads of drinks first, and you said, yeah, I'd like to come to your house and leave my wallet there, then that's... But then I can't... This isn't a business model at the casinos are doing, is it? They're not getting people. drunk, otherwise it'd be happening every week. Look, the truth is, every time I pass a casino... Come up it this week. Every time I pass a casino in the street, I laugh.

There you why. There's something about the idea of... Even the word, a casino. Oh, I'm going to the... I'm just going to the casino. Oh, are you? Because you think of James Bond and you go past one, there's like fat blocs, leather bomber jackets going in, you know, and you think,

oh, going to the casino? Have you ever walked past an Arcade or a casino? casino and said, and looked in and seen someone and thought, I wish they were my friends. No. The answer's no. I've looked in and thought I wish I'd got my backpack flying from. No, I don't really feel that. I'm happy with them, you know, I just sit there.

They make me laugh. People thinking, oh, I'm in a casino. Oh, man. I'm glad they exist. They bring happiness into people's lives. And sadness. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again. again this time next week.

Now get out.