The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: Keyrings

Episode Date: July 2, 2025

In this edition of Frank Skinner’s Radio Days the clips include Frank’s 'Round the World in 80 Days' trip for Children in Need, Emily wanting a fox as a pet and which celebrities we’d like to have as MPs. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Learn more at TurboTax.ca slash business tax. It's called Frank Skinner's Radio Days. I don't mean days as in stupor. I mean days as in the sevens of the week. So this is a take out a blooper. Hello and welcome to another episode of Frank Skinner's Radio Days. I say another episode, I think it's only the third one, I mean, you know, get over it. This time the clips include Emily wanting a fox as a pet.

I seem to remember there was a bingo element to that. My Around the World in 80 Days trip for children in need, that was when me and Lee Mack had breakfast with the Crown Prince of Yugoslavia and his wife. And which celebs would you like as MPs? Well we've tried the celebs as politicians thing since then of course and it hasn't really worked out as well as we hoped. Anyway, enjoy. I actually did a joke last night, I like to do jokes in my normal life as well as my professional life and last night my girlfriend said to me, she was in a magazine and she said you know Tracy Emin has really got my figure and I said oh I wonder where it went. And there was a slight tension in the air

I thought and what I did though is I thought maybe she didn't hear me. You know when you do a joke and they don't laugh you think maybe she didn't hear me. So I did it again and she said yes I got that joke. It was a Ted's. Ted's. Can you take this opportunity to say Cathy has a brilliant figure, please? She has a fantastic figure. She's like that Roger, not Roger Rabbit, but whatever the bike was called.

Oh, that's even worse. That's enormous sort of lower back legs. Great look. And a Scott she's got. She's like Jessica Rabbit. Do you know what a Scott is? No. That's the technical name for a rabbit's white. She's like Jessica Rabbit. Do you know what a Scott is? No.

That's the technical name for a rabbit's white fluffy tail. Oh, okay. A Scott, yeah. The reason I know that is my dad once told me he went poaching and this rabbit tried to run down a hole and his dad grabbed onto the rabbit, Scott, and the rabbit kept struggling and got away and the Scott came away in his hand

with several bits of tendon and vein 17 minutes fast-hites on a Saturday morning if you're having kidneys for breakfast I can only abolish Esther Ransom is talking about becoming an MP. I think that's gonna be the big The big outlet now is that's going to be the big outlet now, is that celebrities going into becoming MPs. If, you know, Big Brother, Celebrity Big Brother, there might be another one series, and that's it. Cirque du Celebrité has stopped, so I

think politics. Yeah, that's just going to go on and on. Didn't someone say to you when you went on Question Time? Somebody did say to me, you should stand, but I think that's because there was a very old woman next to me and I had the only seat in the room. I think you should be an MP. Oh yeah. I do. Do you know why? Why? Because you've actually, I'm not saying you are trustworthy, but you've got a very trustworthy face. Oh God, I've got a trustworthy, I think my face should be an MP. Because you've got rounded eyes and not, it's true, it's quite feminine in some ways and that means you're more trustworthy, that's true, that's why David Cameron looks more trustworthy than...

David Cameron doesn't look, David Cameron always looks like he's just had a shave. He's too smooth and a bit pink. David Cameron to me looks like he's about to balloon at any moment, like he's just going to get massive. Oh you don't mean jump into a basket and go off across the Alps. Well you wish you you would I think you were suggesting he look like one of the Mongolfi brothers well maybe you should Google it mister okay this shows educational don't Google it now we're doing it we're not just sitting in the office oh yeah I'll still where's my Facebook page for goodness sake. We're not just sitting in the office. Oh, you're all still... Where's my Facebook page? For goodness sake. Why don't people text in who they think would make a good MP with celebrity?

Who do you think? You've already announced your candidacy. I think Susan Boyle could replace Gordon Brown. No one would even notice she wore a suit and tie. Is it a coincidence, by the the way that Simon Cowell, if you just take his initial it spells only surname, it spells scowl which he does quite a lot. Do you think that's ever been pointed out before? Not in Britain. I think that he took the game Simon Says far too seriously and just went to his head. It can stop time, certainly. I was there, I went to, well me and Emily actually, Gareth wasn't invited, we went to see, we went to the National Theatre on Thursday to see the opening.

I wouldn't have been allowed in. No, I shouldn't think so. All's well that ends well. So Shakespeare play. And afterwards, there was a kind of an after show, and I was introduced to this woman, and she had like a sparkling top on, and the light, just as she was introduced to this woman and she had like a sparkling top on and the light just as she was introduced to me the light just sort of caught the top so I said hello and immediately look straight at her chest and she wasn't low-cut or anything I just looked straight at and then I realized I'd done that and I said I'm sorry can I just say I just look in there I look down there

you know I should have just left it I said I looked down there because there was like I wasn't looking at anything I wasn down then, you know, I should have just left it. I said, I looked down then because there was like, I wasn't looking at anything, I wasn't like looking at… Oh that's nice, I wasn't looking at anything. Yeah, obviously I wasn't looking at anything. I didn't look that low. You drew attention to it. I said, I know, I was trying to make, I didn't want to think I was a pervert. So I said, I was just looking at the sparkly. I said, I wasn't looking at your cleavies. There was no cleavies, there was, I was.

Oh, right. And I said, I wasn't, and she just looked at me and went, who are you? I loved it. It was hilarious. And I said, erm, I'm Frank. Inattentive like I was an alcoholics anonymous or something. Oh, it was so tragic. Jeremy Clarkson for MP. Oh, terrible idea. No. David Attenborough.

Oh, I totally agree with that. I can't stand David Attenborough. What? No I can't stand him. Right that's really our friendship. What kind of a human being would watch an antelope at a waterhole right, see a tiger coming round the corner and just go, oh and he's in real trouble who would not go there's a tiger who would not do that who was a human being but I know he just he says and he's got no chance yeah he's got a chance you shout throw a stone at that nothing he's a happy slapper that's what David Attenborough is

it's the circle of life have you not seen the Lion King? it's not the circle of it's the pleasure of watching something be ripped to pieces. It's unacceptable. He could have saved one antelope. It's not going to change the planet. That's really to alter my opinion of you. I'm going to have to think about this. Well you should think about it and then alter your opinion of David Attenborough and he's bloodlust. Simon Cowell is MP. Simon Cowell I think would be decisive. He is right about everything. He is right about everything but he has got a combination of a centre parting and an old fashioned American GI crew cut which should not be combined. He looks like a sort of a

black shredded wheat on top of his head. Which surely can't be correct. Yes, so I was away. I was on holiday for two weeks in Greece. And then I did a thing for children in need. I went across Europe on land. Well, and water, but we couldn't fly. Actually, there's an Albion chant. West Bromwich Albion have a football chant that goes, We will follow the Albion over land and sea and water!

Which I've never quite understood. Weird afterthought. We had a long debate about it once, I thought maybe they mean fresh water. Like rivers and streams. Exactly. Maybe a lake. But anyway, we had to go across Europe for children in need. Children in need are doing around the World in 80 Days and it's two celebrities go do a leg each. You couldn't find anyone who'd want to go with you could you? No that's true but I went with Lee Mack the comedian. Oh okay what was he like? He was thoroughly a good company I have to say. It's great because we were going through Istanbul, the marvellous

spice filled streets of Istanbul and talking about comedians we worked with in the 1990s. So it was lovely. But quite a lot of travelling. It's the first travelogue which is basically just about travel. It's two men on a coach for seven days. Because it's like a race. It's not one of these when you stop off and sample exotic tea in Bratislava. It's basically getting across as fast as you can to hand over to two people from the apprentice so they can do the next leg. But it was, it was for children in need which of course makes it all that hardship worthwhile. But it, the holiday, I have to say, I like the holiday,

but I sometimes think, especially when I'm on holiday, that I wouldn't mind it if I never went on holiday again. Why do you say that? Well, I'm not sure I like them that much. I don't like them enough to put two weeks aside for them. What don't you like about them? I don't like being away much. Which with holidays I find is at least a drawback. I'm alright with flying. I don't mind that. I don't like being unfamiliar. Oh, I don't mind that. I don't like being an unfamiliar. So the first day and a half on holiday I'm full of regret that I went away in the first place. You see, you know what I hate about going on holiday?

I'm phobic about creased clothes. So literally, honestly, no I'm frank, if I've gone out with a crease in my clothes I've had to go back and iron it and be late. So can you imagine what it's like for me having to go on holiday and I know all my clothes. When I'm on the plane I just imagine them all being jumbled up in the case and I get really stressed out. So I know iron in every language. I hope you never become homeless because your crease clothes problems are going to be the least of your worries. Well that's, well I'll tell you something else, I'm not very keen on other people speaking a language that I don't understand. And I mean that in a very non, erm, erm, erm, erm, erm, erm, erm, erm, erm, erm, erm, erm, erm, erm, erm,

Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm,

Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm, Erm a bar in Istanbul and a bloke said that you're from England and I said that yeah he said where and I thought you won't have heard of it mate I said Birmingham and he went all right mate it's just kind of amazing absolutely amazing but no I have a problem with that I just don't you know I'm a communicator by trade you're a holiday man Gareth? I quite people do holidays in different ways don't they? What do you do on a holiday?, Gareth? I, erm, I quite... People do holidays in different ways, don't they? What do you do on a holiday?

Well no, because some people like to just go and lay on a beach and read. But you can't do that anymore, because that does terrible things to your skin. So that's another big thing would go in a way. People used to go away just to get a tan, but now that's bad for you, turns out. Yeah. I think I don't do very much in my normal life. No, well that's true. Your life is a holiday. Yeah. I think I don't do very much in my normal life. No, that's true. Your life is a holiday.

It's quite a dull holiday at the English seaside in winter. Did you see that Princess Diana's robber was sold this week? That she had when she was nine-year-old at school. It was sold for 540 quid, which I think is quite a bargain for Princess Diane. It's got D Spencer written on it. You know the way you used to write your name on your rubber at school. And it also says on it for big mistakes it says on it. Which I think she gifted it to Prince Charles at their first anniversary. But it's interesting, I've got a bit of celeb memorabilia. What have you got?

I've got a hair from Elvis's, now just hold your breath, horse. You haven't really? Yes I have. Elvis's horse, they sold the horse, after Elvis died they sold a lot of his stuff, so they separated a horse. It died and then they sort of… They shaved it. Well they clocked it I think, it has the root on it. I think I got real… If I had DNA facilities and cloning at home I could grow another horse exactly the same. So I've got a hair from, it's a mane hair, not a tail hair, I've got a mane hair from Elvis's horse. I was worried about that though Frank, I mean how do you actually know? Couldn't it just

be anyone, it could be Kim Jong-il or something? You know I hate it when people say that, when you brag about your memorabilia, people say how do you know, that to me brings the whole, that's like, you know, how do you know anything? But do you have, what I'm saying is, do you have some authentication thing? Yeah, I have a photo of the horse and it's an extremely similar colour. Okay. That's good enough for me. And I've also got a section of the fence from, from Elvis's ranch that was, yeah, sawn into six inch squares. Did you just steal it? No no no someone gave

it to me as a gift actually, it was very nice. So I didn't steal it. What about that then? It's not a great collection. I can top you. Can you go on? Mine's rather odd I have to say. Someone bought me, a friend bought me at an auction, you know Linda Blair who's in the exorcist? Oh yeah. A pair of her earrings. Huh? It's quite weird though. I've never worn them, I've got no use for them but I have got them. That's er, is she still alive? I believe so yeah. Yeah. You never wear them? No. That'd be not, wear them for the show. Oh

they wouldn't work with headphones. No. No they don't. They'd have to be very kind of sturdy with her head spinning around all the time. They must have quite good earrings. Yeah sturdy with her head spinning around all the time. Yeah, exactly. They must have quite good hearing. Well they're built like those little things you get on the fair, you know, when they spin around with kids sitting on... Got little seats.

Yeah, exactly. Little seats with tiny children on. So as her head spins they go right out to the side. Wow, that would be... That'd be good if they had like fairy lights on, because then when her head spins it'd be like, you know when you spin a sparkler and you can sort of do writing. I'll tell you what I did, I went and saw the Kinks once and Ray Davis, and I was in the front, you know, in the mosh pit, as much as you get a mosh pit at a Kinks gig, and he handed me a bottle of light ale and I kept that bottle

of light ale for years but I moved house so many times that you got lost. My dad, my dad came home from business, well, get this, guys, he came home from business one time and he brought me back. He came home from business? He came home from business? Pffft! He came home from business. Oh, what?

Is he a, is he a red boy? He came home from business? I mean, what was that? Well, he was away on business. He could be away on business. He could be away on business. Can't you come back from business? No, I think you have to.

No, you have to be off the business. He came back off business. He came off business, okay. And, um, brought me back home from business. He came home from business. He came home from business. He came home from business. He came home from business. He came home from business. You could be away on business. Can't you come back from business? No, I think you have to… No, you have to be off the business. He came back off business. He came off business, okay. And brought us Michaela Strachan's autograph. Right. You know, the build up to that was so good. I mean, I used to fancy Michaela Strachan like there was no tomorrow. But autographs are not so good. Why does the fact that there is no tomorrow mean that you really fancy someone a lot more than you?

Well just imagine if there was no tomorrow. I think your amour would rise like a roaring flame. Yes, I think so. If you do want to text him by the way, the number is 81215 and I'd love to know what pop memorabilia you've got. Or actually any sort of celebrity memorabilia because some people have got really unusual I mean people have asked me for very unusual things Early in the morning in hotel rooms. Well, I steal quite a lot of your belongings and I'm stockpiling them And sell them on eBay. Well, I once found someone Yes, I once found someone going through my bag in a hotel room looking for a souvenir.

Was that an ex-girlfriend? That was an ex-girlfriend. I think that would be an exaggeration. It was someone I met brief. Oh. Thanks, King of Radio Day. It could go a long way. Get to Toronto's main venues like Budweiser Stage and the new Roger Stadium with Go Transit.

Thanks to Go Transit's special online e-ticket fairs, a $10 one-day weekend pass offers unlimited travel on any weekend day or holiday, anywhere along the Go network. And the weekday group passes offer the same weekday travel flexibility across the network, starting at $30 for two people and up to $60 for a group of five. Buy your online GoPass ahead of the show at GoTransit.com slash tickets. I am in quite a strange mood this morning. I don't know quite what it is. I feel agitated. Yeah, you are a bit agitated. I'm going is I feel agitated. You are a bit agitated I'm gonna be honest with you. I didn't sleep I kept wanking as if something something

pretentious. I did that I had quite disturbing dreams tonight. Tonight? That is pretentious. It is if you had them tonight. I have all my dreams in advance at the same time. Yeah it does doesn't it and then one can edit as well because there are some dreams that just a the same time. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? And then one can edit as well, because there are some dreams that are just a waste of time. Well, don't talk about dreams. Can we not talk about dreams? No, I'm not going to talk about dreams. People are talking about dreams now. It's worse than hearing about people's problems. I cannot bear it. Also, I...

It's worse than hearing about people's boring lives. I'll tell you something, I never believe people are talking about their dreams. Don't you? Because there's no way that any of it can be checked. I always think our people make up interesting dreams just as that's things that they've really thought and they're trying to dress it up as a dream so it's okay to say. That's what I think. So Al, in your dark sci-fi universe you would have a way to check what people are dreaming. Well that would be good. With my dreams you can check them because I've dreamt them all

in advance. Yeah, with my dreams I'd like to because I've dreamt them all in advance. With my dreams I'd like to Skype lost them because there's some dreams I'd like to keep. Well none of my dreams last night were keepers, they're things I'd much rather think of. Can I just say you are now talking about dreams, so both of you shut up. I think talking about in the abstract. Hey listen Frank, we've just had Debra Terry has just emailed in to say, wow Frank what a brilliant start to the show because she was very pleased to hear Susie at 8 a.m. Well that is good I think people expect at this time of the day if it's gonna

be Coldplay and then they get Susie in the band shows. Well I appreciate that. What was the name of that? Her name is Debra Terry. Thank you Debra I appreciate that very much indeed. People we got told off for not reading out the names of people who emailed in and that because we thought well the names of people who emailed in and that because we thought, oh the names, what does that matter? But obviously we very much appreciate you texting us anything on 812. If you don't give your name I'll make up a name too. Don't do that, people like that even work. I don't think we should attribute. We should just, anyway. So yeah, until something happened to me I was walking along the south

bank of the Thames in London, which is a large conurbation in the southeast. It was your garden? Yeah, more or less. And there was, you know when you see those crocodiles of kids, like school kids all marching together, and there was like a load of kids, and there was a teacher, and he was pointing across the river, and he said, over there, you see that white building next to it, he said that's Westminster Abbey where all the kings and queens are buried. And one of the kids went, whee! I mean, I

don't know if he was a Republican, but he seemed to be celebrating, somehow, the deaths of the royal family. And then the bloke said, and he's a very famous man suddenly pointed at me and I thought well verys pushing it but we'll we'll let it rest and then I walked a bit further because these kids were kind of they were about seven I suppose so I walked a bit further down and they in about 20 of them in unison went Frank Skinner it's a really weird moment. Wow they're gonna think you're always there yeah whenever they see now they'll be oh that's Frank Skinner he's a really weird moment. Wow they're gonna think you're always there yeah whenever they see you now they'll be going oh that's Frank Skinner he's the guy who hangs around on the south bank. He's the guy that stands opposite the the Royal family's

carnage spot that the the Westminster Abbey thing. Yes it was an interesting it's what it must be like to be proper famous that school kids call your name in unison but hey I enjoyed it. We've had some rather unusual emails in. Emails or texts or both. What does it matter? Okay if you want to email us use a computer. I can't keep these numbers in my head I'm used to just pressing a button. Right, someone called Mary Poulton from Wofford, I'm sure that's Watford. No, it could be Wofford. Oh is it? Okay. Maybe she's just got a very broad accent. Wofford. Says, Frank you have such cool musical taste, I'm loving it. That's why I thought it was a little bit unusual. Oh Mary. Yeah. Ooh Mary. There's someone else? Mary. There isn't a song with Mary.

I'm thinking of one of those. Mary had a little lamb. That's a nursery rhyme. Why have you given it some rock tune? Paul McCartney brought that out as a single. Speaking of lamb, I was, I heard myself, I was going to order lamb in the restaurant the other day. Speaking of lamb?

Yeah. We mentioned lamb. And we were in the restaurant and I was looking at the Speaking of lamb. Yeah, we mentioned lamb. And we were in the restaurant and I was looking at the line of lamb and I said, what do you think about lamb today? And Gareth went, and I said, too hot for lamb. And I'm thinking it would be a great title. If ever I bring out a rock album, it could be called Too Hot For Lamb, right? And it could be like a live album. At one point I go, Too Hot for Lamb!

And the crowd will go, meh! Phew! And we'd have a whole thing going, sorry, what else has been sent in? I told you I was in an odd mood this morning. You really are. Yeah. Extraordinary.

I think it might be those acrylic pyjamas. So Paul and Leeds have said, Frank, do you think it's acceptable to wear odd socks? Well, I'll tell you something. Why are you just answering like it's a normal question? That's quite weird. I think, well some girls and some young people do it as an affectation. Oh, okay, yeah. I think if they're in, I go for ones that are in the same ballpark colour-wise.

So I think it's okay with odd socks. I don't like it when people wear a red one and a yellow one in a kind of a, you know, look at me I could be a great BBC children's presenter kind of a way. Yes, I know what you mean. I tell you what, I judge people, not by their socks. I judge people, this is a little bit idiosyncratic I'll admit it, by their key rings. I think you can judge a lot by someone's key ring, because people, you know, they select them usually, and you get people who get like a football club key ring or whatever. Yes, do you think someone presents something of their soul?

I think if someone gave me a key ring just out of the blue in a sealed envelope and I looked at it, I'd be able to say some things about that person which would be quite accurate from their choice. Tim why don't you text in with what your keyring is and I'll just tell me your keyring and I'll tell you what kind of person you are what about that that's on 8 12 15 I tell you what's too hot for lamb what What? The keyring texting. Has there been a cavalcade? Oh it's gone crazy. Another launch. Thank you listeners. We finally found something that people couldn't be bothered to text in about. Thank you all. They love it. You know what I love them. I've started to feel that the listeners are kind of like my

mate who I go out with on a Saturday morning what about that yes that's just happened that's a beautiful thing it's made me feel too hot for love okay so we're gonna read you the key rings and you're gonna tell us about these people I'm gonna give you a character analysis go on I'm ready Adam at work I have amateur gynaecologist on my key ring hmm idiot yes and what I don Oh I'm not sure about that

Adam. I mean think about it. Yes. Well if I ever meet you come and say hello but don't expect a handshake. Jane from Torquey. My keyring is a Staples reward tag. A Staples reward tag? Staples, the stationery shop. Oh, I don't know what a reward, I'm saying you're a very orderly person, I love stationery, I have to say. Oh man, put me in a stationery shop. I'd buy those little colored things

that you put on the top of bits of paper. I love stationery. Oh man, she started me now on this. I could really, I get so excited about stationery. A stationery shop with blur in, oh. That would be incredible. I think she's a very orderly woman, very in control of her life. Very good.

What do you think of Andy from Wakefield, who has a Jack Daniels bottle opener and a Tesco's club card? Well, I think he's very good, Cop Copney and I'm surprised the Ring Pull element of the Club card hasn't removed the bottle opener necessity of the other. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I'm starting to sound like Derek Acora. In the spirit world all man is happy in the spirit world. Is the spirit world a section of Tesco's? I'm suspect it is. Mike hearing says Jazzercise, bet you don't know what that is. Jazzercise almost certainly will be a sort of aerobics thing that one goes to and dances not

to jazz but sort of jazz funk. You know what I'm saying? For a lady of a certain age. Well I don't know I think she might be a bit younger than your average Jazzercise person. I think she's you know she's a... The workout here would be pink definitely. Oh god yeah. I don't think she'd go as far as a leg warmer because she'd consider that to be too much. She might wear a baseball cap and pull a ponytail through the bit at the back where you have the sort of adjustment strap. Yeah, I think she's a little bit quirky. That's another way I judge people actually. If someone's got a baseball cap on say on the boss or something, yes I use the boss. I see how many holes they've used and if they've only used two or three

holes I think they must have a very small brain. This is interesting, Simon has a bottle opener and the male symbol so a circle and an arrow. Yes I know the male symbol, don't worry about that. Is it a bottle opener that is the male symbol? Because the male symbol, it would make a very good bottle opener. If it's not that, that is an excellent idea for a gearing. If anyone here makes bottle openers... We should do that Frank. Oh I can't be bothered. Oh as if you're going to do that. I mean god how much money do I need? So you could make a 3D male symbol and then you can use the arrow. The circle and of the arrow.

The arrow could just hook it. You could do both. You know how you have the circular ones and then the thing that you put over the bottle like that and you could have a hook one. Are you bored now? I'm bored. I'm so bored. It's the worst conversation you've ever had.

If the producers of Dragon's Den are listening, we want to come on please. If the producers of Dragon's Den are listening, I'm not very keen on your programme. So have you made your big decision yet, Emily? My big decision is this with regard to my pet. Yes. Well I want to buy a pet because I just, I got really panicky when I was changing a light bulb the other day in heels and I thought, because I have to wear them to reach because the ladders not to win you were changing one in heels the no I really decorate wearing a pair of heels. Oh you okay because of my ladders not quite tall enough

Can you get special light bulb changing high heels that are so high? Put that next But I wear platforms to change light bulbs in because my ladder's not quite tall enough so I wear high heels and I just have that panicky moment I think what if I fell off the ladder in the stiletto, these are the platforms, and then something terrible happened Well at least you'd be found dead in nice shoes I'd look nice yeah, but I do panic a bit because I live on my own and I think at least if I had a pair it would like raise the alarm like skippy if something bad happened

I wouldn't count on that. Oh, okay. If you got a giraffe, of course you could get rid of the step lad So I want to get a pet but I don't want to get something common or garden like a dog or a cat So I was thinking a fox. I don't think No, I'm gonna say something not common or garden. One of the most popular places to see foxes in the city something not common or garden. One of the most popular places to see foxes in the city. No, because I don't think you can. You can. Can you come on out and find one? You can de-gland them so that they don't smell so much. Oh, you can de-gland them. I've got a special knife for it. But we're not talking about my hunting and poaching days.

You're not going near my fox and I want to get a little suit for it like Foxy Bingo. And I'd have it on a lead. Well, I think that's all. I think that's probably alright. And I might wax it as well, like, cos it, um, no just because the tail... You want a naked fox? That's horrible! Just where it gets, the fur gets too rough cos I'd want it in the bed and I wouldn't want it to be too rough. If you, um, wax the fox's tail, you'd, in a way, you'd rob it of its essential personality, wouldn't you? You want to wax a fox so it's better in bed.

Oh, I'm not. I didn't say that. I think we've gone into a strange fantasy now. Someone's just said, forget the pet, take me home instead. Oh my goodness. Basil Brush. It's Chris on the M25. I wouldn't fancy Basil Brush's chances of changing a light bulb.

You can Chris, but you'll need to have your glands removed before. And you'll need to be waxed. Yeah, I mean you can keep them, we can put them in a jar for you. But you can't have... When it was really hot the other day, we had a weird thing, we opened our patio doors. Which glands do you remove by the way? Is it the tear glands for when it's being waxed? BOOM! BAM! Too hot for Fox!

Sorry. We, um, we opened... I said Fox, anyone who's just tuned in. I'm really glad you cleared that up. Yeah, well, I don't want any misunderstanding. We opened the door in the lounge and then we were in a bungalow, so it's all on the same floor, to let air through. But then in the bedroom, Laura said, Oh, I can hear something. something's come into the lounge.

Oh God. Was it a fox? It wasn't a fox. Oh. It was, we found, we've got a little sequined silver cushion that Laura chose. Oh yeah, a tiny Liberati had come into the garden and sat on it.

Yeah. On this silver cushion, a frog. On a cushion? If you'd have kissed that frog, it would have turned into Prince Charles Laura can hear a frog from another room have you ever seen the bug visor adverb? I love singing for one day now actually I did say fox and nothing else did you see when Andy Murray was accused of swearing by the umpire yesterday?

I was it. And he went, I, I, I, what, what was I supposed, you know, he said, I said, what was I supposed to say? Weird voice. I said, I don't know, I don't know what I'm supposed to say. The bloke said, well how could I possibly know what you say when you just go, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I thought he had a good point.

It's been an odd morning hasn't it in many ways and I think I might be having some sort of an aneurysm. I'll tell you something, it's slightly half put in today because we have windows on the studio and there's a man cleaning the windows. I didn't like clean windows this early. Oh he's going down, he's going down his rope there. But it's kind of, I thought it was somebody from Capitol Radio coming to see what we was up to. He's sort of abseiling isn isn't he, down the side of the building? Yes, abseiling radio, that's what he's doing. So speaking of absolute, I realised what a company man I've become the other night, because

I've been absolute now what, four months? I went to see Placebo at the Roundhouse in Camden Town, North London, which as you may know is a large conurbation in the South East of England. And this guy, actually I know his girlfriend, so she came over and the boyfriend was there, and he said, someone mentioned the radio show, and he said, oh, what's it on? And I said, it's on Absolute. And he said, oh, that's like Smooth FM, isn't it? And I said, no, I said, you know, it's on absolute and he said oh that's that's like smooth FM isn't it and I said no I said it's you know it's just like a rock stage he said it's got you know slightly more edge and I took you and then someone else spotted in and started talking but I couldn't I went away but I

could feel it I feel it rising up in me so I went I went back he was talking to someone and I said Are you angry? So I went back, he was talking to someone and I said, don't get talking to him, we don't know what he's talking about. I'm some yobbo. And he was quite younger, but he had one of those, you know when people wear a, young men now, they wear a bag, a shoulder bag, but the strap is on one shoulder, but the bag goes right across them. Oh yeah, like a record bag. Yeah, so they wear it right across their chest kind of thing, which to me is the sign of the devil. Yeah. It's like people who are too cool for school. So I pointed that out. When you say you pointed it out Frank, I bet you didn't do it in a really reasonable night. No, it angered me. I won't have Absolute Radio spoken of it. I mean, if there's anyone from Smooth FM listening, I mean I don't mean for

one second, actually probably for one, actually I don't, I mean it is's anyone from Smooth FM listening, I mean I don't mean for one second actually probably for one, actually I don't, I mean he's rubbish, but Absolute Radio I think is great. They'll probably find the same company as Smooth though and I'd better tell you. Anyway, I got genuinely angry. So you picked on him for his bag? I didn't pick on him, he picked on all of us. He picked on everyone who's listening as well. Since I said as absolute listeners, you were... If I get a number, I'll give it out later.

You see someone walking down the street with their bag over their shoulder, like that. Not over their shoulder, across their body. Over their head and out on their... They're saying, oh, I'm so cool. Look at me, Mr. Cool. Mr. Cool. They're saying. Although Frank, whilst we're on the subject of bags, may I raise the subject of your bag? Would you like to tell the listeners what bag you're currently sporting? Well, I just want to sport a bag. I'm carrying a small black bag. It's not a bag, it's a sack. It looks like the FA Cup drawer you're

carrying around. It does look a bag, it's a sack. It looks like the FA Cup draw you're carrying around. It does look like I'm constantly committing the FA Cup draw wherever I go, leaving different numbered balls in locations and then there'll be a big national hunt. Maybe at Easter. We'll see. Why do you carry it? Well, I'll tell you what, I need a bag and I can't decide what a man of my age should carry. I'm not prepared to go to man bag territory. You know, you see these guys with the little... It's a bit Rio Ferdinand. I know what you mean. Yeah, exactly. Well, footballers, if you talk to footballers after a match, they've always

got their wash bag, like a leather wash bag with them, which I... So this bag is actually, I'll be straight with you, it's a Virgin Airlines first class bag. But it doesn't say anything on it? No, well I've turned it inside out. It says… Oh, I thought you'd done that! I'll show you. Because it's got the frayed edge.

I've seen that and I wondered why it's got a frayed edge on the outside. I think you can get it on the inside out nowadays. It's due to the grunge, you feel. But if you look, look, inside it says, it actually says, I'll put class. I'm showing them now, obviously on radio. You'll have to take my word for this, dear listener. So yeah, so, not wishing to be the kind of bloke who walks around with Au Perclaas written on his bag. Yeah. You don't want to show that on the outside, but if anyone ever questions you, you can

show them the inside of your bag. Yes, well what I like about it, it's like, something's like, it's sinister about the black sack. There's an element of Albert Pierpoint, the former hangman. Or like a medieval alchemist, it looks like. Medieval alchemist, yeah. What a great name for a racehorse. Oh God, let's play the jingle. That's the morning! There you go, let's get that out the way. Is that still our only jingle?

Well, we have got. Thank you. Do you remember me? But you know it's a bit Smooth FM. That's what I'm thinking. Actually I've discovered, I made a slightly disparaging remark about Smooth FM which is unnecessary because it turns out that Emma, our producer, her husband works for Smooth FM and now I feel I've caused a bit of a rift.

Oh now you've done it. A bit of a family rift. But obviously Smooth FM is for you know, for people who like that kind of music and God bless them Michael Buble and Elton John and all that, that's alright if you like that kind of thing. Some people like heroin, you know I'm not, actually I am condemning that if anyone's listening, don't do that. Don't do that or Michael Buble to be honest. But if you've got to do one, do Michael Bublé. That's what I always say.