The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Kiwi

Episode Date: December 31, 2025

We’re in 2011 with Frank, Emily and Alun. There’s chat about Alice Cooper’s wild years, hiding as an adult and Popstar to Opera Star. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank Skinner's Radio Days, it could go one of two ways. Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days. We're still in 2011 for our best bits, and this time we're talking about the wild days of the great Alice Cooper. Enjoy. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sir Bruce Forsyth. Oh, how exciting. Let's face it's getting a bit late for him to get a Duke of Edinburgh Award. I'm with Emily and I'm with Alan Hello I'm new boy

Yeah now everyone's thinking Is it Phil Marshall Alan Brooke Who was the chief military advisor To Swinston Churchill During World War II But no It isn't Good guess

The other Alan It is It's Alan Cochran The Comedian Hello It was done this show before I should point In fact I'd go so far as to say

That he's a Friend of the show Yeah, he was a friend of the show. He was a friend of the show. He was a friend of the show. Yeah, no, it was a colleague. Obviously there'll be a certain amount of bat biting and resentment going on. So, Alan, welcome.

Well, thank you very much. Nobody mentioned the backbiting and resentment until now. I don't normally announce it. What happens is it usually seeps in, like water seeping into a sinking ship. I'll look forward to that next week. Thank you. So, we've also got a new producer today, Lisa, who's been in before, but she's in today.

I'm just explaining. It's like, there's me and Emily are looking at each other, like two kids who were at the same junior school, now we've gone to the big school, and we're the only ones who we know. Your manager's here in a white shirt with a new haircut? I think we've established the dramatist person, eh?

Liesel, are you named after the girl who fell in love with the Nazi in sound of music? Yes. You are, lovely. That's a nice thing. What do we name her after that girl who liked Nazis? Oh, yeah. Not a big, well, Ava, no, no, not the one who married.

Not, not real Nazis. Hollywood Nazis. Oh, yeah. That's a good chance. Someone just has texted. Is Liesel, they're on work experience? So she's probably 16 going on 17. That's from 131.

Yeah. Yeah, well, obviously, you haven't got the webcam on the go. She's got her legs out today. I don't even look at that. We're talking professional colleagues. Yeah. So, Alan, it's welcome to my world. as I think Jim Reeves once said.

Thank you. Just before he hit that mountain. Thank you very much. It's a pleasure to be here. So what's new in your life, Alan? We have a new dog. Oh, that came out of nowhere. It's amazing, isn't it?

It's amazing news. I've never had a dog before. It's very exciting. Never had a dog in my life. How old are you? I'm 36 years old. And you've never had a dog in the family? No, no.

When we were... My mum was a single parent with three sons, and it seemed like a dog would be, that would tip the balance to too much to do, wouldn't it? I don't know, you could have got... It would be churlish to expect a dog as well on top of that. A dog could have adopted the father figure role in the fact. Well, exactly, yeah. If you've got one of those old grey mongrels in of the old grey muzzle,

and maybe a small pipe, sir. You could have got a pipe in there. And wouldn't that have been excellent parenting? Here's your father, children. This manky mongrel in the corner, yeah. If you could eat your food out of a bowl as well, I'd be really a proud mother. would be great. Look, I could probably take you on to the streets of London now and show your worst parenting in that. Absolutely.

But, no, the last pet we had was a goldfish that we found dead when we returned from watching the film Condor Man. And that stayed with me. I can never see Michael Crawford and not think of my dead goldfish. Were you not feeding it properly? I think it was one of those goldfish that had been won from a fair. You hadn't left it in the bag. No, it had lived for, I think it'd be like seven years or something. It lasted ages for a goldfish.

Yeah. And it was called WOM. W-U-M. Right. Which was how we said William, I think. I don't know why it was called Wum. It was how you said William. Wum.

Right. I don't know. Maybe my mum's meant to be listening. Perhaps she can let me know. Did you live under a large layer of treacle? Yeah. Woom. Yeah.

We were keen snorkelers. So what dog are you going to get them? Well, we have a Whippet. We have a lovely... It's happened already. It's already in the house. Oh, Frank's got a lot of work in that field. Oh, yeah. I'm a former Whippet owner. You are like. I mean, way back. Great.

So, in fact, so far back, that Cal, what's the name of the Whippet, me and him stayed up late to watch the first moon landing. Wow. It's true. That's how long ago it's been. He was obsessed with the space race. I've never known a Whipit like him.

There was an anniversary of it last year, wasn't there? What, Cal? Oh, God, I missed it. The first real terrible. All the broadsheets covered it and ignored the space landing. I think he was drawn in by Laika, the first dog in space. Of course. He's putting it too.

The trailblazer was Leica. Literally a trailblazed. He actually died of overheating. I like his name, Cal. Broader of 1950s, film star. Well, it was 60s, anyway. Don't try to make me sounder. And by the only DJ on this stage,

who talks about when he watched the moon landing with his whipping. Probably. Frank, can I tell you one of my favorite things that happened this week? You can if it's clean. Well, it's sort of clean, if I don't reveal all about the story. It's to do with Alice Cooper. I love it when girl, say it's sort of clean. Frank.

It's to do with Alice Cooper. I've come on about anecdotes, go on. You've met Alice Cooper, I believe, haven't you? And then some. Oh, okay. Well, I'd like to hear about this encounter. But he's been talking about, he's been revealing all, as I believe they say, about his wild years. I thought all his years were wild.

I didn't know he had specific years that were wild. But apparently, during these wild years, on one occasion, he said he held a gun to Elvis Presley's head. That's quite a story. Oh, yeah, I heard about that. Elvis did it as a demonstration, didn't he, of his karate skills. He gave him a loaded gun. And as soon as Alice picked it up, he sort of dropped kicked to. him across the room and said, that's how you deal with a gone man.

Fabulous, an Elvis trap. Well, Alice said he recognised it straight away. It was a snub 32. Well, you would, wouldn't you? Yeah. Snob 32 of the many snobs that Elvis gave him over the years, all of which he kept listed and blah, blah. My favourite Elvis, well, actually, my second favourite Elvis photograph,

is him in full karate gear doing the pose, but with shades on. My favourite one I should point out is Elvis managed to get a police badge Oh the FBI badge Oh I love that thing Well he had several police local police badges And what he used to do is listen to police radio

And if there's any police work going on He used to go out and get involved And there's a picture of him in a full-end leather coat It's at night, full-land leather coat A sort of a three-foot torch shades At the scene of an automobile accident Cape hope, as well.

No, you hadn't got the cape, but imagine being, you've been a car crash, and Elvis turns up with a big torch. Absolutely. It's like, have you seen that footage of this week when Boris Johnson was involved in policing a house, they bashed through the door and arrested a guy, and apparently the man arrested said a less plight version of, what are you doing here? Because Boris Johnson was just there.

How really? Just there. The folks getting arrested, handcuffs on him. They used Boris Johnson. The battering ram. Yes, absolutely. Go on, I'm fighting with him. Oh, God, bonus.

But anyway, one of the other things Alice has revealed is he was talking about Keith Moon. He was quite a party of Keith Moon. Was he really? But apparently, well, this is what Alice says. Don't take his word for it. But apparently Alice said that even he used to get so terrified of just like the prospect of a week without sleep. He actually used to hide from him. Every time Keith Moon came to town, he'd hide at a secret location.

Blimey. Yeah. It went how long without sleep? He said seven days without sleep, Keith Moon would go without. That's surely impossible. No, you should have met me in the 90s, darling. It's funny because Alice was the one with the bags under his eyes. Where did he hide?

Somewhere black and white. Secret location. Inside a large bat, I'm guessing. I like a hiding adult, though. Yeah, I mean, I think we've all done it from... I'm always doing it. Yeah. Like hide and seek.

Often hiding, yeah, I did it last week. Did you? Yeah. Who did you hide from? I hid in a utility room because I'm staying with my best friend. What were the white goods? When I was ironing my trousers and my friend's husband was outside the door and I only had my pants on. Oh, well.

So I just stood statue still and I heard him talking and I thought, I don't want him to know I'm in here. So I stood against the door, holding my breath. That's a different type of hiding. I'm on about when you're really trying to avoid someone like that type. I was, I'm not very good at making friends. You get to an age where you think, oh, I've probably got all the friends I need. Many of those need might be an exaggeration.

And a man who was actually the boss of a major high street clothing store that I don't think I could name. I met him. And I was getting free clothes, I'll be honest with you. And he started calling, you know, say, well, why don't we hang out? And I didn't want to. I didn't think he'd bring out the best of me

I know I wouldn't be able to resist saying stuff like God these trousers have seen better days You know what I mean I'll be constantly dropping him And I and I stopped I didn't answer the calls And it went on for probably a month Month of persistent

He's not worth it for a garment No you may as well just buy your own jeans Not something I've ever said but there you go No But I did I genuinely hid I don't want to be one of those It's like the cake opportunists

That used to come around my mom's house When she worked at the cake factory Neighbours we never saw ever My mom got a job at the cake factory And they'd come round Oh really Yeah, and hang around for cake A bashed bit of Victoria Spondage in the factory or something

Exactly But oh man they I hated that Cake Cake vultures I call them I said I didn't call them now I'd call them that retrospectively

I'm going to was asked to do a TV show, right? Hard to believe, I know, but it happened. And whenever that happens and I turn it down, I'm always very keen to see who they've got to replace me. You know, there are certain people you think, well, I bet the next phone call will be, you know, Ricky Javais, for example.

No, I think I might have got the chronology wrong on that. But anyway, he's one, I'm like 74. Anyway, they asked me to be a critic, as they call it, on pop star and opera star. What? Yeah. And, yeah. Based on both your pop and opera career.

Well, I have had the number one record. He has. And I've been to the opera, so that'll do it. And he's got a nice vibrato. Nice. Yes. I don't ride it much nowadays because the girlfriend thinks it's too dangerous on the road. But anyway, I turned it down, I'll be honest with you.

The money was very good, can I say that? Was it, John? Reasonable. Reasonable. My manager says reason. Reasonable. Anyway, so I thought, well, who they're going to get? They're going to, you know, it's going to be, it's going to be someone, you know, another comic, obviously.

Yeah, blah, blah, blah. So I looked, it was Vanessa May. Oh, the violinist. Exactly. Yeah. Thanks for helping people. If only, if you'd have said, do you know Vanessa May, I could have said, no, but thanks for the tip. No, Vanessa May, the, yeah.

How many moves does it take? Frank Skinner won't do it well that's going to have to be Vanessa May then I mean me and her have sat in the waiting room for many auditions over years me her and Lucy Lou from Charlie's Angel sitting staring at each other you know reading the script looking up nervously

and often I remember recently I got a call saying Vanessa Mays he'll could you play Chikoski's violin concerto at the Royal Festival Hall tonight in a straplice to have to gown yeah and I said sorry I'm doing the one show So, yeah, but it was so... And she did a gag.

Get this. She did a gag. Mid-Jewa was on. You know, remember Mid-Jewa? Yes, I do. I'm just still reeling from the show. Yeah, mid-Jewa, and... I've got to say, he wasn't great.

He went out. He was the first one to go out. He went out. Was he not good? He wasn't great. Let's face it, Bob Geldof broke that man. Anyway, and he's very bald now, Medi-e-ed. If I had of him, I'm not.

I'd have kept the pointy sideburns as a sort of a signature facial hair. But no, it's all gone. And he said, and he played the part of the Duke from, is it Rigoletto, John, the saucy Duke? I believe that's good. Yeah, anyway, it was it. And he did, and it went to Vanessa May and she said, well, she said it was not so much Duke, more Marma Duke. Oh, she made a horrible joke. I thought, didn't get any laughs at all.

I thought, is that a reference to the Great Dane? You know, the cartoon character, Great Dane. Is that what she's saying? I thought there was a Great Dane in opera there. I was thinking, what, Hamlet? Yeah, but, I mean, it got nothing. And I thought, at least she's trying. Yeah, yeah, have a go.

Does it make it a gag if it didn't get a laugh? It's like a tree falling in the woods or something. Yeah, exactly. And did anyone hear it? I don't know, but I heard it. And I thought, well, that's it. You've had a go. You've thought, well, okay, they didn't get Frank Skinner,

but I can, anything you can do, I can do right now, right now, right? And then there was the Marmaduke moment, but it was, and Simon Callow's on it. Right. Who, I'd get embarrassed. When I read his name in the Radio Times, I got embarrassed. Simon Callow. Yeah. Simon, yes, I know what you mean.

Well, he's doing a thing at the moment in London called Being Shakespeare, and I'm a big fan of Shakespeare, but I know if I go there, I'll be so embarrassed, I'll dislocate both my shoulders. Because it'll be Oh, oh, Shakespeare All the things you don't want it to be All those things that kids at school And they say, I'll tell you what Shakespeare is

It's bloke's going, woo, you say, no, it is And then Simon Callow turns up at Jamie's dream school And you say, well, actually, sometimes it is obviously Yeah And he was on basically doing stuff like, Oh, well, I think you didn't find the coo. What was that, Marmaduke? What does he know?

about opera anyway, who wrote his cage? No, but I think he's, because opera is obviously partly about acting. Overacting. Yes, it's mainly about it. Scenery chewing. So when they said we need someone to talk about overacting, have you got Simon's... Yeah, now, see, I couldn't have hid from him every week. No.

I've been on the head of him. It's very hard to hide from someone who you're on the same panel with... Absolutely. I find, generally speaking. Is Frank Under the Day? Just again. He doesn't get on with Simon. Oh.

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It could go one of two ways. Speaking of all things, musical, I've noticed. You know, sometimes you notice that you do something. You've been doing it instinctively for years. And one day you think, oh, God, I always do that. Oh, go on. I went to a cash point the other day. and as I was

I got some money I always go for the full 200 do you? Oh yeah Oh Alan what do you go for? It varies depending on my... No I like to get the 200 I like the frisson of passing the

You know the homeless man that always accompany You know they're like the trolls that guard the mountain passes They always sit by the cash points I like the idea of the frisson Of passing with that much cash in my pocket at the risk of if, you know, you'd lose 200 quid if he was attacked. And now everyone knows that you permanently have £200 on you.

Well, I don't, obviously, because that goes down a hundred periods of time. Well, I mean, that'll get down. Sometimes I'll go as low as ATP before I met that at the 200 quill. Katz running rampage in those health food stores. Oh, I'll say. I get at a clean 50, Frank. A 50? What do you go for?

20? Like I say, it depends on what my movements are. If I know I'm getting a lot of taxes in the next few days, then I'll probably get a hundred, but if not, then it depends, really. It depends on what's coming up. You have to bear in mind I'm a stand-up as well, so I get paid in cash sometimes, so I don't often need to visit. I hope that's been declared.

Of course. Every last penny. I also... Are you one of those people who will put a set amount in at a petrol pump? I'll just put 30 quid in. I fill it up. Oh, yeah. You've got to fill it.

Well, it's the same thing. Maximum at the cash point, maximum at the petrol pump. Right. You know. Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, you are about to die, salute you. It's a sort of fabulous carpe diem approach to the cash point. Yeah.

Anyway, what I've noticed is as I leave the cash point with the 200 quid, padding out my wallet, I always sing to myself, got brass in pocket. by the pretenders. I always, always do. Oh, that's nice. I say to myself, because you don't want the homeless person to hear you singing that, they'll think you're gloating. But yeah, I always do it. Do you do it slightly under your breath, then? Give me a little rendition.

Come on. You get the money out. The cards come out, and the money comes out. I never county. I never county. No, I don't need to. They could have been shortchanged me for years. The Nat West. So, no, that goes in my pocket, unless I go away.

I do that, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I don't just do the lyric. Oh, you do Got LaGier a bit as well. I do it a bit of a Chrissy Hine. I don't do it in my own style. I completely adopt the Hindian approach. And it's nice that there's so many songs with money in the Tart Law chorus. And he chose that. I don't know where it's comfort.

It's because it's got the idea that it's in my pocket, I suppose. And it's brass. Well, I'm going to work this out because that came out in the sort of late 80s, early 90s. Maybe you suddenly felt euphoric. because you're independent man of independent means. Well, I don't know if had any money before then. I think me having money in the bank coincided with the pretenders bringing out brass in pocket.

There you go. Is it brass in pocket or has it got brass in pocket? No, it's a brass in pocket. Yeah, but has it got the word got got got at the front of it? Has it got got in brackets? I love it, thank. Why bother with brackets? I love a bracket.

Just put the whole thing in. But Frank, you've pointed this out now, and I have to say, I do this an awful lot, this sort of soundtrack business, yeah. Well, I noticed, I used to do it when I was younger. This is terrible. My sister and I had quite a difficult adolescence, both of us. Parents had a messy divorce.

I'm oversharing. Well, you need to know the backstory. Because my mum, she used to come back. And we were getting on. Sorry, you just reminded me of another one. I'll tell you in a minute. Carry on. We were getting on quite badly.

Partly because my sister and I would just lie in bed smoking to like four in the afternoon and never do the dishes. How old were you? About sort of 15. There's something so exciting now about the whole concept of indoor smoking. Isn't that? It feels like the wall of death to me.

So my mum would come back in some 80s get up, not very happy, and we'd get scared because we think the house wasn't tidy, she'd be really unhappy, so we'd always sing, oh, here she comes, watch out boy, she'll chew you up. We used to sing manny to haul a notes. We still do it

to this day. Really? Yeah, all the time. Oh, brilliant. People have got a soundtrack. When you mentioned the messy divorce, it reminded My current thing is a well-known TV theme tune that I fit every aspect of my life into. For example, a friend of mine said, oh, yeah, it's all gone, blah, blah, blah. I'm going to have to see a divorce liar.

And I went, Divorce lawyer. And I thought that was inappropriate, wasn't it? I could tell the way she looked at me was, hold on, why would you be singing that? That was a bit awkward. Do you have a little soundtrack to your life, Alan? Occasionally, if I'm on the way up, a flight,

you know, on the escalators, on the tube, and it's really busy, as I am rising from the ground, I will have the Stone Roses, I am the resurrection. I just quite like the idea that everyone's gathered around me as I'm being elevated.

I love that yours is quite self-important. It's not really me, I don't know what's good. No. No. It's always the quiet ones. He's messianic. I'm sorry.

And I find that whenever I changed the calendar, like this week just gone, obviously, it became July. And whenever I did that mum, which is quite a ritual, so I've got Wild West drawings on one side of the room, and George Formby,

calendar on the other. So I have to change both. You have two calendar room. Because I don't know which one I want to be facing. How can you ever? predict that. Well, that and you're leading a double life, of course. Yeah, exactly. So, um, I, uh, I always sing the, do you remember the calendar song? January, February, March.

I don't know that song. I do not know that. Oh, the lyrics were January, February, March, April. Well, unsurprisingly. And a great moment. The mid-light was August, September, October, November, December. Then they'd repeat it. August, September. And then back into January. Anyway, I always sing it, and I sing it with a bit... Who did the lyrics? Tim Rice? When I sing it, I'm playing a tin drum. The hands are, they're making their way around the circle of the old oil drum. I don't do that.

Now I'm hamming it up for you, too. You give me an audience and I start showing off. But when I'm just changing the calendar, I just go, January February, And sometimes I'll give a bit of emphasis To the month And if I'm on April, May, June July Because it's July

Oh, I hope I'm not around for the July moment No, well, you know, it's a 12 to one shot Hmm I had a strange occurrence this week By the way I'm on the edge of my seat But I'm nearer the front and the back Well I had a food hassle

me and my, everything's about food to me. I love it. I had my first kiwi fruit for ages this week. And just as it was occurring to me that it was the first time I'd had a kiwi fruit for a long time, I'd cut it in half and I was going at it with a teaspoon. And I twisted it and spattered this kiwi fruit everywhere, all across the kitchen. Oh, the green juice. It looked like the place had been slimed. It was disgusting. I don't see how you managed that. I don't know how I managed it, but it was. It was a particularly explosive piece of fruit, let me tell you. And it took some clean in here, it really did. And, you know, like sometimes you eat a cherry tomato. Do you ever pop a cherry tomato in? And when you bite it, it flies out, like bits fly out. No, no.

And then they harden very quickly. No, no, but I don't do that. Because I've had a cherry tomato. Of course I've had a cherry tomato, but why did he get lips for? Have you ever had one pop across? Yeah, but you're popped. But I put it completely in my mouth. So when it pops, it's in control conditions.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you do admit this yourself. There might be areas in your, between the gaps and your teeth for them to lodge. You have said that yourself. I agree. I know. There are pit stops in your mouth. I'm no stranger to a nostalgic tomato pit that's been in there maybe a month. You'll just have a snack on it.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is anything that explodes, I put it completely. completely in my mouth. So it explodes. Family's gone. It is. It's a controlled explosion. That's what it is.

I think. So, for example, with a, with a kiwi, I don't slice a kiwi. I tear it in. I go with... You tear it? What's like an animal are? You're like a bear eating fruit. Yeah, that's it.

Oh, and also I find that when I pick a pawpour or a prickly pear, and I get a sore poor next time. Anyway, so I just drag... Explain how you eat it, so you drip it. I drag the thumbnail. Down, it's about half. I do. And then once you've got, once you've broken the skin for about an inch, you can prize it apart.

Right. And then what I do, to avoid any spillage, because the skin's pretty sturdy, that'll hold it in. I put the whole half in my mouth. So there's an airlock with the lips. So whatever squirts will go into my mouth. And then I just squeeze the skin. And it just... So you're left with a sort of caveman's loincloth?

Yeah, that's right. I'm left with a caveman's loincloth. You're sucking the fruit out of a kiwi fruit skin. I don't really suck it. I sort of mainly squeeze it. I just squeeze it, and the whole half just falls into the mouth. Like one of nature's sports gels. Like you see, they're looking at Wimbledon.

Exactly. Giving it a squish. Exactly like that. Oh, I'd love to take it. One of my many, if I was a famous tennis player, is to do a kiwi between games. Just like that. I'm with Alan. have to say, because I do

knife through the heart and then teaspoon, always teaspoon. But they're very, they're a bit Russian roulette, the kiwi, because either they're quite fleshy and tasteless, or quite tart and firm. Some people eat the skin even, some people... The caveman's loincloth, you don't want to eat that.

Because you can. It doesn't mean you should. If I was eating them at Wimbledon, I'd have two in my left hand at the same time. Like a pre-service. Yeah. Give one back to a ball boy. Yeah, exactly. Maybe bounce it a couple of times.

No, that wouldn't work. But yeah, that's how I am. The other week, I had to change not only my shirt, but also my trousers, post-pomegranate. Oh. The whole thing. I mean, it was, oh, man, it went everywhere. And pomegranate juice, it really lingers. As a child, I would take two hours over a pomegranate.

I used to eat them with a pin. And take out each individual, whatever you call those things. Let's call them the eyes. Each individual eye. Are they seeds? Are they seeds? I wasn't after the scene. I was after it's sweet encasement.

Yeah. You see, Frank, I find with the mango, I love a mango. But I do find... If you aren't out of mango, I know that much. But I do find with a mango, when you get through to what I call the Inner Sanctum, Yeah. The pit area, pit stop area.

It's very, it's like a clavicle bone in there. Have you ever come across that white hard? It's very, I mean the bone is. Yes, you can't get through it. I've tried to cut it before. Well, my girlfriend's a great chewer of the mango seed. Yeah, she goes, strike. You know, you know when you see a dog's got a flea ridden back

and it'll lean back. I can't do it. But it'll sort of, the teeth can like that. Like, it's really, like, she does that with it. Like, she was trying to take a flea off her back of an animal. And she gets it right down to, I call it the knot, the inner mango. Does she? Yeah, the mango knot.

I think that's what it's called. But with the kiwi, I find sometimes with kiwis, they're very sturdy, but sometimes they're quite squidgy. So when you eat... So when you eat them, you've got to be prepared... Oh, sorry, you mean the fruit. I was talking about the bird. Oh, God.

Oh no, this has been a terrible misunderstanding. Yeah, I take the thumb down its waist. And then you can get the whole entrail out with one. You just have to part the front legs. Hank. It's amazing. Frank, do you find, now, where do you guys sound on shellfish? Because I'll tell you what, I find that quite tricky sometimes.

I tell you what I don't like is that in order to eat, let's say, a prawn or a lobster, you have to sometimes assemble so much paraphernalia, sort of Pete Docherty's bed sit style, the finger bowl, the dirty napkin, the knives. I can't be doing with it. Yeah, I've never seen that. Yeah, never seen that. Like, if Barbie had to make a way

to some sort of jungle enclosure, sort of things you might need to get through the undergrowth. It's more of a work than a meal, it is. It is, it is, it's like hard graft than a snack, as far as I'm concerned. Well, I've said before how my dad would eat a whole crab on a Saturday afternoon, watching the horse racing on the telly, and finish off the smaller claws with a hair grip. No, that's, that to me, isn't, that's not eating, that's a...

Yeah, that's the cryptum factor. There wasn't a thing left on it. It would, the tiniest. I meant the hair grip. That sounds unhygienic to eat crab with a hair grip. Well, what, for the, for the crab eater or the hair restrainer? The hair thing. Yeah.

People don't like even brushed hair. in the kitchen, do they? No. Well, I agree. I don't like any hair in the kitchen at all. I only allow reptiles on the work surfaces. I had... You've had a few spots of both of this week. Well, I had a strange experience.

I was reading emails from my smartphone as I walked along the South Bank of the Thames. Right? And as I read the emails, and I was still perambulatory, I was moving. And there's a lot of discarded chewing gum stains on the pavement there. Oh, yeah. And they're formed, if you can imagine,

if you can imagine a sort of monochrome Damienhurst-type pattern along the pavement. So as I read the emails in my Neovision, behind me was these moving trail of dots, and I got a bit bilious. Oh, did you? Yeah. Were the dots strobing a bit Because they were as I walked along, yeah,

and I wasn't focused on them, so they were taking in a magic eye background thing, and I actually got a bit dizzy. Oh. You got lightheaded. She went on north of here. I had to stop and just compose myself. I mean, can you believe it?

How wimpy have I become? Yeah. I love that. And then I did that thing. I was in my flat. I was going upstairs in my flat. Yes, I've got stairs in my flat. I've got stairs in my flat.

I've got international representatives. Get over it. And as I came down the stairs... It's cold up those stairs. Do you ever do that thing when you... You slightly... No, it's not a masonet. It's a penhouse.

Yes, it's a penthouse. Yeah, but the top area, there's any one room up there, really, Frank. Lovely. It's very cold up there. Yes. At least you've been to my house. Can I say I've never been to yours? No.

What about that? I've only been in there six months. I'm imagining that Emily's got a sort of a mis-haversham thing going on at her place. You know, terrible... Imagine away, you're never coming around after that comment. I know, wedding cake covering in spiders. So anyway, I was going up to... Do you ever get this?

You're probably going to say, no, I make me feel worse. When you're going to either or up or downstairs, and you just slightly lose your rhythm. Yeah. On the stairs and you're... Whoa, one of those... I had one of those terrible moments. I nearly fell down the, dare I say, the goddamn stairs at my own house.

Imagine if I'd been found at the bottom, like Laura Ashley. Yes, I can imagine. Yeah. What would they have said? What would the headline have been in the papers, do you think? Well, it's, I have no anticipation that this is a horrible story. I, in my younger days, I was having a liaison with a lady. And having visited her, I was about to leave.

And she sort of twisted at the top of her stairs and in front of me fell backwards down. And at the bottom of the stairs, just sort of. of stayed there in a kind of a, like, it wasn't that much of a leap of imagination to draw a white line around the shin. Oh, blimey. She was fine. She was fine, thankfully. But for a split second, I thought, if she has now broken her neck.

It wouldn't have looked good. It would not have looked good. It would have looked bad, like downright bad. And did you think I'd better have found an ambulance, or did you think if she's dead, I'm out of here? Yeah, I am dusting the whole thing. You'd have left you'd have left to there. Get me a jay cloth and some bleach.

I'm going around here and then I'm going. No, I never thought that far. I'd just like to say. You'd assure you did. I bet you was already thinking, what have I got in the boot? Yeah. How much room have I got in the boot? Yeah, start running through.

Did anybody see me come in here? Well, that's that, isn't it? It was really scary. It's a great story. Just falling down the stairs is scary. Not that long ago, I slipped up my foot and stumbled down like two or three steps in a hotel, like quite a wide open. Were there people watching?

I felt like the reception staff had seen me and by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs the adrenaline, oh, it was coursing through my system. But I think, as you know, I have barely any. No, I know. But the stairs, I think, are seeing generally as dangerous amongst the middle age. But I mean, a chewing gun pavement,

you wouldn't normally think you'd be safe. But it really meant me genuinely... And you're only walking and reading an email. Just imagine if you'd been jogging and faxin. I mean, that's why I got rid of that leopard-skin treadmill. I think that would have pushed me out. Peter Stringfellow's got it now.

Yeah, he has, yeah. He's stripped it right down to have one thin strip right down the middle there. It's more tightrope walking than jogging. He does on it. Oh, that'd be. Feeling wimpy. I once leapt out of beds to, I mean, well, I've told you this already. I leapt out of bed to greet.

today in the corner of a duvet poked me in the eye and I was staggering around the hands. Did you sort of glide out rather than go up right? I sort of flicked the, like jumping out of bed. I'm so happy to greet a morning. I can't remember why but but I was, it got me right and it was pouring with water and I remember thinking I'm going to end up with a black eye here. Thankfully I didn't because it would have been awful telling people no, no, no, I'm not into boxing or kickboxing. I did on the corner of a duvet. I can't tell you how many times I've lay in bed pouring with water. I mean, that's why I stopped drinking in the end.

So you were hoisted by your own partard, didn't you? I mean, it was your swishing of the duvet, that did you? Yeah, I've stopped greeting a day with such jubilation. That's for sure. Gabrielle switched to a sleeping bag after her accident. He wasn't going to risk that again, apparently. Don't win days as in stupor A mean days as in the sevens of a week

So this is a take out a gloat A gloat