The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Late

Episode Date: February 4, 2026

Frank, Emily and Alun are in 2012 for our radio best bits. This time there’s the fuel crisis, leaving without saying goodbye, Frank’s April Fool’s Day pranks and objects that make them angry. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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telling the stories that matter to all of us. Because local news is big news. Choose news, not noise. CBC News. And welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days. We're in 2012, and this time we're talking about not saying goodbye at parties. Enjoy.

We started with a series of laughs. this week. It's just as a little a de memoir for our listeners. Yeah, ha-ha. What laughs sound like. Remember that sarcastic one at school and people said something that they thought was funny and it wasn't and then everybody would go, ha ha, brutal. It was. It was. My Jimmy Hill Chin, I'd say as well. Yeah, there's, it's like LOL and all that. But people do sometimes send back to a text, they'll say ha ha, and I think, is that like, is that saying I laugh? Or is that saying ha ha ha. No, I like ha ha as a text or on email, a Google chat, whatever it is.

I've always thought it was a bit slow handclap in traffic and you've done a bad maneuver. Oh, yeah, maybe you're right. Hello, this is Not the Weekend podcast with Frank Skinner, Alan Cockleron and Emily Dean. Who's on the show this week? Alan Cochle. Do you not know it? Started early. Look, nobody's perfect.

Occasionally, even Homer nods. Just remember that. There's one for the Simpson fans. By the way, on the radio show, I should get this out the way. I don't like, just TCB, taking care of business. On the radio show, you may recall, I ended by saying that Simon Cowell had had one of those terrible moments when you get the word wrong in a joke.

Tom Jones had said that he'd been offered, Britain's Got Talent, and Simon Cole said, I think he's comparing us with Opportunity Knox, a suggestion, this is an offer that Tom had years ago, he's so senile and he's got mixed on. But the word should have been confusing, of course, and suggests that I'm afraid it has been hoisted by his own petter. and I don't know about you but I hate it when that happens Oh yeah

That's one of the worst things I'm surprised he doesn't have the power to retract that You've got the power To edit his own speech Yeah It's too late it out wouldn't it be good if you could do that I was out with I was at like a dinner party this week

A crowd did I mean about 12 of us And obviously I was holding court And That's your want Yeah, and someone at the table knew, knows Tony Blair. Yeah. And they said, oh, he did a lot of acting at university.

And I said, I think he should play Martin Sheen in the biopic. And they all laughed. Oh. And then I realised about 10 minutes later, I met Michael Sheen. Oh. You see what the joke would be because Michael Sheen has played him a couple of times. Yeah. So why did they laugh?

Well, this is, it made me question every laugh I got that night. It meant me question every laugh I've ever got. Why did they laugh is a good autobiography title, Frank. Yeah, no, why didn't they laugh is the one I've gone for? It's more needy, you know. But maybe I like to think it's because you have an innately comic delivery. Well, maybe. Someone told me that they worked with Milton Burle, once the American comic.

And he said, give me any phrase. you like, any friends you like, just say something. I don't know what you mean. He said, I don't know what you mean. He said, okay, I don't know what you mean. He said, I'm going to go, I'm going to use that as a punch sign. I'll get a laugh on it now. And I'm just going to put it. Wow. Can I tell you? I just thought why they might have laughed.

Okay. Can you hold that thought? Okay, yes, I will. So he went back on stage and he said, Hey, I went to a sheep shearing contest this week. I said to the guy, you did a good job there. And he said, I don't know what you mean. And they laughed. They just laughed because it sounded like a joke. It's a terrible, cynical view of comedy. Or, alternatively, an ever-replenishable act. You just go, well, just give me any phrase,

and I'll make a punchline. He's not going to run out of stuff for his DVD, is he? No, I'm afraid. What he ran out of was life. So, sorry, your theory. So, well, Martin Sheen did play the president very famously for some years. So maybe they thought it was a clever political. reference to how he was in the president's pockets, something like that, possibly?

Well, I asked why they laughed, as you can imagine. I stopped the proceedings. You did not? You did not. Why did you laugh then? When I said Martin Sheen, why did anyone laugh? I can imagine it ruin your dessert. No, it did.

You didn't actually ask them that. I did. Oh, my God. I stopped the whole thing. Oh, my God. I was halfway through my lobster burger. And I actually ordered a lobster burger and didn't say and make it snappy, which I was so proud of myself. I'd restrain myself.

Did you pause and say, okay, I've made a mistake? I know, I was paused and said, hold on, hold on. When I said Martin Sheen, I meant Michael Sheen. And they went, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. And I said, no, no, no, no. Why did you laugh? Before then.

And obviously there was some... They looked so embarrassed on your behalf here. Yeah. And someone said, well, I thought you meant... Because like he'd play in a present so it's a... What would that be messy, untidy remark? Don't expose the innards. You always do it.

Yes, so, I don't think the evening ever quite recovered. I'll be honest with you. A lobster burger? Yeah, I never had one of those before. It was one of those when the waiter said to me, by the way, couldn't I recommend you to try the lobster burgers? It's really, very beautiful. I don't think I've ever had anything recommended.

to me by a waiter like that that I haven't had. Right, yeah. I just find that absolutely, and you see it means, I know that they've got quite a lot of it, and the sell-by date is looming like a bozzard over a dying man. Lobster's push in its luck. Exactly. But I went for the lobster burger,

and I must say it was a bit of a delight. Was it in like a bread roll? Oh, yeah, they're lovely. Combs to me sound bad. What do you think it would come in a carapace? That's an incredible time commitment, though, in it? What a lobby burger? To get lobster meat out and then make it into, to fashion it into a burger.

That's, oh. A lot of man-hours on the plate there. It's not my job. No, it's not. I'm fine with that. Let them dig. Incidentally, and I know I resolved not to mention the Sony Awards. How long have I done?

We were always going to mention the Sony Awards. We got nominated for a... Well, for one. Best entertainment programme. Last year it was three, this year it's one. You draw the graph. Oh, Frank. And do you know...

Why have we only got one, Frank? Well, it's me. The show only ever had one. But I had two personally last year, with the word personality in. So it's me. As I've shrunk, as I... It's like Jesus and John the Baptist.

as John the Baptist shrunk in stature, Jesus, spread. So the show is doing well. I'm dying on my backside. That's basically how it works. Nevertheless, do you know we're up against Beryl and Betty from Radio Humbuside? Oh, yeah. That's one of our rivals in the Best Entertainment Show. One of whom is 86 and the other is 90.

Oh, that sounds good. Yeah. So I'm going to, I hope they win. I mean, I feel terrible if I beat two old ladies in the competition. I wouldn't. I'd be delighted. Wouldn't you? Absolutely delighted. Oh, I'm going to give them the award anyway. If we win it, I'm going to go out and see you, love, add this. What is it? It's a, it's an award! It's an award! No, I think it's, that's amazing. I'm not the oldest person in that category. Absolutely fantastic. Anyway, so that's...

So, Frank, have you filled up? No, I haven't filled up. Because you've got your new motor as well. I have got my new motor. I'll tell you what, I have met an internal fool of myself, in that I didn't say, outload. But I heard on the radio that there's queuing a petrol shortages, and I thought, ha-ha, I've just switched to diesel.

Fine, absolutely fine. Perfect timing. And then, of course, it includes diesel. In fact, that's the worst one my driver told me recently. That's the worst one. It sounds like I've got a permanent driver. I haven't. It was a one-off. No, I like that's what my driver said to me.

I'm imagining a sort of Morgan Freeman in the front. It leads me a sort of richy-rich character in the back. Why did he say it was the worst one? I'm confused. He said Diesel. Always goes first love. Does it? Yes.

He's wrong. He's wrong. This fella's an idiot. Oh, steady. Honestly. Morgan Freeman. Did he? So on the news yesterday.

and it said that the sales of petrol had gone up by a hundred and something percent, and the sales of diesel to 71%. I don't understand. Has anyone got a pencil and paper? Take it up with him, I'll give you his deeds. Yes, please do. By the way, if you want to text us about anything, especially if you're Emily's driver listening in outright.

We're on 8, 12, 15. Or an urging couple of old ladies that present a radio show in numbers. They'll be up, of course. They get up very early, the old. They have to get up early so they can get the tops off the jars ready for lunch. Take some about 45 minutes to get top off a bit of Picolillo. You have to have about 20 minutes at it. God bless them, they're how brilliant.

Yeah. I'd rather lose to someone who isn't well known, always. On the terrible self-exposure, is I love? On the subject of the fuel crisis, I heard them advising to fill up. This was a previous fuel crisis where they said fill up, but can you fill up in a normal way, not panicky? And I was thinking, well, I just fill up. When it's, when the light comes on, I fill it right to the top and that's me done. But during that fuel crisis, I took to whistling whilst filling it up because I thought, well, that that lets people know that I'm not panicking,

don't it? I always panic slightly when filling it up, because I always think, I'm inhaling quite a lot of this vapour. Don't you think? Because you're standing. No, that's doesn't bother me. Because I'm standing over the over the pump. Yeah, I think, what if I slump now? If I just get overcome by fumes and I'm just found, it'll look like I'm relieving myself

into the car from somebody looking out from the booth. I think of it as a booth that they're in. I know sometimes they're quite big shops, but they're, no, it's, don't you ever worry that? You'll be overcome by fumes as you put petrol. No. Although this is no crisis to me, because as I've explained Frank to you before,

my car is permanently on Girls Empty anyway. What is Girls Empty? Girls Empty is below the red gauge. Oh, I can't live. So boys' empties on the red gauge. So people are constantly having to come out and fill my car up with the Jerry can anyway. I can't live with that at all.

We've had a texting. I work in a petrol station and diesel always goes first because all the van drivers and big lorries use diesel. Thank you, my driver. Van Diesel? brings a bell. Now, Frank, did you have one of your incidents this week? Well, I went for lunch this week, and the person I was meeting for lunch was at half an hour late.

No. Now, I'm not good with that. Can I ask a question? Was this a friend or... Colleague. Well, was this a friend? Yeah, or was it a work? A work? Well, it was a sort of... It was a sort of a mix of the two.

It was someone I worked with, but I would say he was also a friend. Not a David Bedele, isn't it? In as much as one can ever be the friend of one's manager. Oh, really? No. Yeah, so anyway, so I'm sitting in this restaurant, and I always see. You know, that was as tension filled as the bit in Sweeney Todd when he says, so it is you, Benjamin Barker.

Spoiler alert. Oh no, what? Swinita gets caught in the end. All right, I see. No, but I don't know about you, but I, normally half an hour's my cut off point, I just go. Yes. I go.

Yeah, I think it depends very much on how much you like and want to see the person that is meant to be coming. I think you could just go. Well, I don't like them by that stage. I find about 15 minutes in, I hate them. I mean, I get furious. Yes, I know that. You know what I would say to you, Frank?

You see, 10 is a bit mentally unwell if you leave after 10. Yeah, oh, that's, no, that's ridiculous. 20, a bit petulant. 20, is all right, 25 after now or seconds. Yes, minutes. All right. Did he text, Frank, with updates.

He did text, but why didn't he text before I had to leave? Oh, yeah. You know, it's no good texting at 10 past when I'm already there. Were you incandescent with Ridge? I'll tell you what, I was a bit, There was a man sitting opposite me who I felt was smirking.

Oh. Well, they banned that in public places. Yeah. I felt that it was looking at me in a kind of a, not quite as big a star as you thought you were. Do you not eat alone sometimes anyway? I find that I quite often am in restaurants and cafes alone. But I've got a very solitary touring comedian lifestyle.

I thought you were Best Club Comic. Best Club Comic, yeah. Now, I assume you have. the club sandwich, do you? Always now. Now, the good thing is the man who was giving me the smirk, as time went on, I realised that he was waiting for someone. And what made it worse is when she turned up,

she was a woman half his age. Well, that I'd rather be stood up by a man. Successful businessman, yeah. It makes you look like the old academic and the Blue Angel with Marlena Dietrich. Like you've been, you know, you've made a fool of yourself over this young woman. But the waiters were starting to come over to me

and check, I could see they felt sorry for me on my own. Did they bring you olives? They did bring olives, yeah. I mean, that's more commonplace. If I have any more bread, I won't want anything to eat. Just enough with the bread now. You see, in top people's restaurant, the Ivy, I don't know if you were there,

they bring you the standard, a copy of the standard. I have. Which is lovely. I did the thing of, I got my iPhone out. Of course. Thank God for my iPhone. Thank God. I imagine that if he was half an hour late,

I imagine 29 and a half of those minutes were staring at your phone, weren't it? Well, I was trying to make it look like I was going through quite a lot of emails and messages that I had. Yes. In fact, I haven't been stood up. I'm a busy executive. In fact, I was reading each other's guide to the galaxy

on my Kindle. It's that true? Yeah. So, oh, man, but I did. I really, and then I thought, When he turns out, how do I play this? And it's always, I always have that problem. Are you just out and out abusive?

Was there a certain foie deer when he entered? No, I won't eat that. I think it's morally incorrect. You were full of olives and bread. I thought what I'll do is I'll be, I'll be like self-sacrificial. I'll say, no, no, no, it's fine. I'll pass it aggressive, yeah. Because I thought then, that gives me a bit of lightness in the bank.

Yeah. That's the good way. I thought, well, he's my manager. I've got lightness in the bank anyway. Yeah. It's called 15%. Did he have a good excuse, Frank? Was it traffic? He said traffic, and he said there was some sort of event on Gower Street. They had the paramilitaries in. Well, I haven't seen anything in the news, and God knows I've scoured it. I can imagine you go-going.

Looking for his alibi. The paramilitaries? What did they? It was an embassy ride that didn't make the news. So, I mean, don't come up. with something that checkable. That's my advice. Oh. I started looking out the window as well.

I mean, that was tragic. So I thought I looked out the window. But then I was looking for someone. Yeah. Oh, I was like, Raponzel. Oh. Now streaming on Paramount Plus. It began on the shores of New Jersey.

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Shop L'Oreal-Paris Panorama on Amazon now. Well, Frank, I had social etiquette issues of my own recently. It was a swaray, but it was a late start. We're talking post 9pm, post-watershed. Oh, yes. So I find with that, I'm pretty much ancient now, so I have to be in bed by 11, half-11. I have to say, I was invited to this self-same party.

I like the person as part it is very much. But when it said, like, begins at 9, I thought, well, begins. Begins is like when you turn up, you're talking to the staff for the first half hour, just there's no one there. And then it said something like there'll be a floor show or something at midnight. I thought midnight? Yes.

What's that everyone all have gone? On a Thursday. So I must admit, I didn't go. Nine o'clock start. Forget about it. Well, I did go. I went with, well, she's basically your sister-in-law, really. And we met at Absolute Radio.

Because we used the facility. used to retouch our makeup. Sure. We were going to use some of the products, but they looked pretty gross, actually. They've not got a beauty cupboard here. They've got a shower area. They've got a shower area and everything here. Have they? You see, I've never really used the facilities.

Absolutely. No. Because once you get your key dibber, of course you can nip in any time you like. It's 24-hour station. I always use it. Security guard gave me a filthy look. We've never got a lawn. But I did, when I went there, Frank,

I was pretty clear-cut about what I wanted to do. I did exactly that. I arrived bang on just as it was starting. The lights were still on. Was there any one there at night? They were being dimmed. There was a mum. There must have been a full train of drinks at the door.

Even the dad hadn't arrived yet. Oh, okay. There was a mum and a brother. Got all the drinks. Made sure to talk to the hostess. Yes. Which was perfect. Because then she thought, we were in the good books.

Then I thought, right, making my getaway now. By which time everyone's so drunk, they don't notice. But I think you, I don't know if you taught me this, Frank. Never say goodbye. It's Bon Jovi, isn't it? I always, was it Bon Jovi? It's me or Bon Jovi? Nervous.

It was in a hotel room with someone, I can't remember. No, I am. I go me that. I think when I need to, because I rarely go to a party for pleasure nowadays, I go as a sense of duty. To me, it's like when I used to sign on. I just go and register the fact that I'm. was there, then I go home.

I don't linger in case they say they want you around at the job centre. Remember that feeling? My stomach used to knot up. It's a sign on there. Say, can you take this around to the job centre? Oh, I don't want to go around there. Don't make me go around there. But you see, if you arrive early, Frank, as well,

you're useful as what they call rum fill in the trade. Do they? Room fill. For events, they call it that. Yeah. In the party, party planning trade. So it's much more useful to them to have you there earlier. Well, like I say, you know, there would have been people there right now, I imagine and stuff. But I don't know. It would have been half an hour late, I would imagine.

I mean, who's going to turn up at nine? Frank, that's at parties. I did. I was there at nine. And then actually I will lie as well. When she says, oh, what time you're there? I'll say, I was there to about one. Oh, that's a, see I.

When did you live? Are we there to ask? About one. See, if anyone says to me, what time do you leave? I'd say, shot your face. I think if they want to take it to her head, I'll go with them. Can I ask you something? So with Kath, she's got a lovely bump at the moment.

So does that mean, is she still fond of a walk? Does she tire easily? She does. She walks a bit slow for my liking. You know, I am a man who likes to put her on a sprint when I'm walking. She's about seven months pregnant now. And I've got to be out straight with it.

It slowed her down. Yeah. Anyway, we went out and it was raining. Yeah. So obviously I put up an umbrella. That's what people do when it rains. Oh, no. And she went, oh.

Which I would say is her catchphrase. Castphrase. Yeah, a castphrase. A amount of times I said that. And I said, I knew what it was because she's made this point before she's anti-unbrella. I said, come on, it's raining too heavy to just... And then there was a bit of a gust of wind

and the umbrella trem. Oh, you nearly blinded me then? No, it didn't go anywhere near. You scratched my nose with it. I definitely didn't touch her nose with it. Absolutely deaf. She said, you want, wait now, wait. You'll see the scratch will come up on my nose.

I said, okay, I'm prepared to wait. And you had a standoff. Yeah, so we waited. Didn't. There was no scratch. It didn't emerge. And then it went into the... So you're accusing me a lying now.

You're saying it didn't touch my nose. And it all got very difficult. But I sense now from your response, Cocker, that you're actually with Kath? I'm totally with Kath. Really? I can't bear umbrellas. They do my head in.

And it's, what, my relationship almost mirrors yours where my wife opens one and I will go in a little hoff and walk behind her or something. Because, you know, people that open... You shelter under a little hoff. No, but people that open an umbrella, there's something about the act of opening an umbrella that robs a human being of their spatial awareness. And they immediately start bumping into particularly people's faces,

with the umbrella and fundamentally humans are waterproof. So it's irrelevant doing it. Like just wear a good coat or like you don't dissolve. I don't like a little umbrella tussle. It's a bit Ben-Hur. It is a bit Ben-Hur. I only have a little... It's like being Budica.

I don't like a golfing umbrella. You know those big businessmen. Well, I agree that's too much in the street. I think you should be taxed on that. I think that's like mansion tax or something. That's fair enough. Kat said to me, get a cagool. It's not antisocial.

Which is true. I've never heard that set of a cagul. But I... I do this thing. When I pass people and I've got my umbrella, I hold the umbrella really high. My arm goes to full length. And I hold the umbrella so high.

It couldn't possibly scratch anyone. Do you look like you're leading a pack of a tour guide? I look like this massive umbrella. I think it's quite... just about to take off. Yeah, but that's how you do it. You can be a bit careful about it, I think. Well, it doesn't sound like you were, though, does it?

Well, it did not touch her face? I would say if she thinks it did, that's enough. Is it? You don't want to be walking alongside a person who might have touched your face and they don't know it. It sort of proves that your spatial awareness wasn't quite bob on, doesn't it? What about when they turn upside down with a cheapy one? God, that's depressing.

That's so humiliating. That's happened to me. Sometimes, you know, I've been wearing nice clothes, got my look together, and then the umbrella goes inside out. What was the point in wearing nice things today? They don't work. That's another thing about them that annoys me. They do not work.

I love the umbrella inside out. Do you? Because what I do is I just walk back into the wind, and it just blouse it back again, and you feel like I can cut with anything now. So you lower it and... I turn it around. I don't try to get it back myself.

I just turn around with it all blowing up and turn around, it just blows back down again, into position. Frank, can I ask your question? Do you favour the sort of, it's almost like a gun action, really? You know, when you have the little plastic button, I don't like that because it can be temperamental and it can break. I like the old-fashioned, just push it up yourself. I know what you mean.

Don't you feel terribly sad when you walk past the bean and there's an umbrella in it? No, I feel happy. Do you? It makes me happy. I'd like to see like 10 umbrellas. in a bin as I walk past. You know, you say it's like a gun.

There's actually a school of thought that during the JFK assassination, there's a figure in the background called Umbrella Man, and they believe that he might have fired a dart at JFK, because the technology existed at the time. From an umbrella?

Yeah, to shoot from an umbrella. It's a very sonny day. It was a really hot day, and there's a guy in the back with an umbrella up, just as JFK goes by. It's so cool, cool. You solved this case. It's been going on for years. Believe me, there are pages and pages about this online if you're interested.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, there's a figure called UM umbrella man. And was he... And was a conspiracy theorists. Was he on the grassy knoll? No, he was along a bit with another guy who's... That was the VIP area. Exactly. There was a velvet rope round the grassy knoll. I would have been there.

Sorry, are you one of the assassination? I'm not. Sorry, you can't come in here. I believe a guy came forward saying he was the umbrella man, and they're not sure. I don't believe him. Someone turned up, they looked at their laminate, and they say, oh, you're an assassination team,

but I'm afraid you're a book depository window, not dressing off. You're in their own place. Jeff, Jeff, can you see this man up to book depository window? Okay, I'll phone, Lee, tell him we're coming up. Okay, brilliant. Oh, Frank, I'm sorry you had a mind with an umbrella. I didn't. Oh.

That's my point. It is Easter, happy Easter to all our listeners. But last weekend, of course, it was April 4th day. Oh, yeah. And I don't like to let an April 4th day go past without an April 4th. Oh, no. Franks pranks. Yeah, but I tell you what, I...

I hate pranks, pranks. I hadn't planned. I hadn't planned anything. I had to improvise. And I was... I was staying at my girlfriend's moms. Oh, yeah. and Sandy Mason

and I was I got up and you know first thing you go to the toilet and I'm desperately trying to think of a of a prank and I thought and I thought I can't do that and then I thought I'd come up with the

leaking toilet I mean it's not a classic it's not spaghetti trees is it you mean just tell them that the toilet's leaking rather than block it up that's not on April 4 that's just a nuisance No, but bear in mind, you know, she's a 70-year-old woman.

A leaking toilet is, you know, on bank holidays. Oh, yeah. It's a major, yeah. Oh, God, it's a major problem. And there was a part of me that thought, you know, she's 70. She's got to get up the stairs to check it out. This could go horribly wrong. But I thought, you know, no pain, no game.

How did you put it to her, Frank? Do me your prank voice. I went downstairs and went, oh, sorry to arrive with a nightmare. Were you to sing you've ever done? But the toilet is really, really leaking upstairs. She said, well, I was up, I said, honestly, it's really, really. She went, oh, no, no, no. I said, no. I, ah.

So, she went up the stairs. She went up the stairs. I thought she could drop it any minute. Two-thirds of the way up. I thought I pushed it too far. But, no, she made it. And, and Kath, my girlfriend, went with her. And the three of us looked at the time, and she was peering at the floor trying to find it.

And I went to April Falls. And it went quite well. She went, oh. And I was thinking, yeah, you know, people, I think people who are pranked, like the fact that they've been pranked often. Do you think that constitutes an April Fool, Alan. Be totally honest with him.

Well, I was thinking on my feet. The toilets leak here. But I didn't want to take it too far. You know, I didn't want to say, you know, there's a dead, there's a dead alarm. on the landing. Or suggest that you just have been commissioned to do

what was it, 30-part series with Got-Quan? This is what he once said to Cathy Allen. Yeah, but that was... It was a different April 4. Frank, tell Alan what that was. I said that I'd been commissioned to do a series with the Got Quine in which I walk around northern towns

in an avant-garde outfit. And it's called... I remember exactly what it's called. It's called Would You Wear This? I thought it was called Why Are You wearing that? No, would you wear this? Anyway, and she, we got to the point where she said,

honestly, if you do this, I'm going to split up with this. And by then I was in so deep. I was in, actually, I was quite deep into some Valour Nicobokas with ferocious underwiring. But I did do it. I did a second April 4 as well. Shortly after that. Did you say the boiler was playing up?

Did you get them both done by noon? Did you not obey the... No, I got them done by now. I'm out of the way, but... Yeah, because I knew... Because I still had the sister. It was still upstairs, so there was another victim in white. Absolutely.

But I thought I have to get it out before they regale her with tales of the whole leaking toilet prank. Already gone into folklore in their house. Rachel, my girlfriend's sister, came downstairs, and I said, morning. I said, did you notice there's a bit of... a gap on the forecourt. You said, what do you mean? I said,

you know, my car got Nick last night. No. And, no, it didn't. No, no, it didn't. See, I'm so good. I'm so good. The Cockrell knew that I was really correct. The lion still fell for it. And she went, oh, no.

And then, and then Cad started laughing. And, of course, the whole thing got up, like the house of cards. Oh, I bet you were angry that she ruined the prank. I was absolutely livid. It reminded me my dad often used to say, if ever you commit a major crime, never tell anybody. He always used to say that.

Oh, lovely life lesson. Exactly. He said if ever you read the true crime books, they've always told somebody, they've always, you know, confided. Right. He's right. So if there's anyone listening who's got a major crime in the often. My dad said tell you a lawyer everything, tell your accountant nothing. Did they?

Yes. Yeah. My dad would have said that if he'd known. what an accountant was. But, yeah, so... I'll tell you what I quite like, though, is that I don't lie very much at all in my normal life. I've almost eradicated lies from my general...

Good for you. I would agree with that. I'd describe you as a very truthful soul. Thank you so much. I said contract time again, is it? So it's quite exciting. And I suppose there is part of me. It's an ego thing.

I think I'm quite good at you, and I do enjoy it because it's an acting job in many ways. Your recreation of it was not amazing. Well, that first moment of the coming up, oh. Yeah. Yeah. You know happy with that? You didn't do it like that at the time, didn't. Well, no, I mean, I've, you know, I have to do an hour of Alexander technique beforehand.

And that's certainly what I used to do when I went to the Supplementary Benefit Office. I had to get into character. I've been known to tell the odd porky, Frank. Less so these days. But one of the worst ones I told was I'd split up with a boyfriend and I ran into a friend of his and I was a bit jealous because he'd met someone else and I hadn't and I must have been about 20

and he said, oh, have you met anyone else then? And I said, yeah. He said, oh, so you're seeing someone? I said, yeah, I've got a new boyfriend. He said, all right, what does he do? And I said, he's the manager of Swade. Why did I say? You see what you did.

You nailed it to... You defined it to quite thingishly. I lied. I said I was going out with the manager of Swede. See, if you'd have said I'm going out with a chemist, I mean, how could they check? No, but I wanted to sound glamorous. I wanted him to think he shouldn't have let me go. So I lied.

Well, I suppose if he'd come back to you, you could have improvised. No, no, no, I said, I meant the manager of World of Swade. Yeah, yeah. In Milton Keynes. You know, so I mean, it's an enormous. There's quite a lot of responsibility. I like that, though. I like the specific nature of the lie there.

You haven't gone, he's in Swade. No. It's like one step removed from being insuade. He's the nearest to it without it being checkable. No, but it is checkable, isn't it? Not in those days. They wouldn't have had the internet. How dare you?

She was only 20. She was only 20. Emily was 20. Yeah, well, I don't know. When the messenger arrived every morning, on horseback. With the missive. That's the town crier.

He was a mind of information. It's cold, Franks, Christmas radio days, I don't mean days as a stupor, and me days as in a seven for the weeks old, this is a take not a blooper.