The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Mr Methane

Episode Date: September 3, 2025

We're in 2010 with Frank, Emily and Gareth for this week's best bits. Frank has been on The Bubble and makes a laundry revelation that disgusts the whole team. Alex Horne is also our guest! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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We've taken all my radio shows and done a bit of editing and tightening It's a walk down memory lane I know because people Find new things quite frightening Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days The Best Bits are from 2010 this week

And I make a laundry revelation That disgusts the whole team Enjoy I'm going to open by it This isn't going to be rude I just went to the toilet And not sitting here I mean before I

I wouldn't I didn't just go and dig all No one or no other Give it a couple of hours And what with evaporation So I was in the toilet, and there's a mirror in the toilet, obviously Oh, it's unflattering that mirror Is it?

Yeah You haven't seen the mirror in the men's toilets? Oh, haven't I? Oh, haven't you? Ah, ha, ah, ah! We didn't have a jingle for that sound too out of my mouth. I don't think anyone would have noticed, to be honest. So, um...

That's the day morning! Oh, goodness, and... So let's start the sound ago, you're in the toilet. Looking in the mirror, right? I've done everything. looking in the mirror, just as what the one does before leaving. And this morning I'm wearing a pinstripe jacket

with a grey sweatshirt underneath. And I realise that that is basically Chris Evans chic. And I never, I would never wear a, I'd never wear a sheik. I would never wear a sweatshirt under a pinstripe jacket. I mean, and it reminded me of that.

Have you seen that TV advert that he's got in the moment for his radio show? And basically, it's him playing it's all these people really loving the show, right? But he's playing twist and shout by the Beatles. So you can see these, and he's like singing along, but his mic's not up, but he's singing along, right? So you can't hear him singing along, but you can in the studio.

And like, there's people up dancing in the street, Terry Wogan's having a great time. And I'm thinking to myself, this is not an advert for Chris Evans, is it? This is not saying people like, this is an advert to say people like the Beatles. Right? Because as soon as he says, good morning, great Britain, that the advert ends with the suggestion that everyone's going, oh no, and they've changed over straight away.

So who does an advert saying the Beatles, very popular. And he's wearing a spotty shirt, I noticed in that advert. Well, at least he's not wearing a grey sweatshirt under a pinstripe jacket. But that pinstripe jacket, I like it, because it's quite casual. It looks like you might have found it on the tube, like... Found it on the tube? No, but it's got that casual look to it, which I quite like.

Yeah, but found it on the tube is not casual. That suggests that homeless person has had their... I've had their dog wrapped in it. Maybe. I've got wardrobe stress at the moment, though, much worse than yours. Because you know I've got this posh new job. Oh, yes. Yeah.

Because you don't know, Emily works for InStyle magazine. Yeah. Not InSty magazine. Which would have been what, that sort of pig-breeding journal. That would have been marvellous. Or In-Soul magazine about odour-eaters. Yeah, I did think that. It was called In-Syle.

That was a genuine mistake. But anyway, so everyone's so fashionable there, Frank. Well, they're going to be. Yeah, they're amazing, these girls. So I have this terrible wardrobe crisis. I'm not going out. I'm spending every night in doing wall charts of what my wardrobe is going to be for the next day.

So, say if you wore the same outfit twice in consecutive days, which I always think, as a shirt, has got two days in it, right? And if you wear something underneath it, definitely. Yeah, oh, God, easily then. But if I wear some underneath it, I figure that's got two days in it as well. I wear most... I wear jeans for, like, a week, right? Because, you know, you've got plenty of things keeping everything away from everything.

I don't, unless you spill something really bad, I don't think there's ever need to wash jeans. Oh, my God. Well, I think you have to wash them eventually, but you can spill quite a lot on jeans and it not be noticed, I find. But I'm going to be straight with you, pants. Calvin Classics, from the market. Pants, 48 hours.

Oh, my God. No, I think that's... Forty eight hours? Pardon? Solid? 48 hours solid. Oh, solid? No, I don't sleep.

I don't sleep in them. No. No, but I think there's two days in a pair of pounds. Two days? Yeah. No, no. No? No.

No. Well, I'll rush these into forensic. And we'll see who's right and it's right. I'm happy. And socks, I change every day. Can I make that clear? Oh, you're spoiling us? You change your socks every day.

So you think the foot is worse than... Don't go any further with that. I think my socks seem to smell more than my pants. Can you believe I'm talking about this? I mean, I've got two degrees in English. Can you believe that? I had a short story published in the Sunday Times magazine, and here I am talking about what smells more my socks on my pants.

How the mighty of Paul. This is what happens if you take the Mickey out of Chris Evans on British Radio. Some sort of demon comes down upon you and robs your nose in it, as long as he doesn't rob his nose in my pants. Oh, dear what, it's just coming up to half past eight. Now, according to what I read this week, for mothers, right, this is the most stressful time of the day. This is when they feel most unappreciated and stressed and upset and close to tears this time of the day.

So we thought we'd just have something a bit sweet and lovely for you, just to show you what I appreciate it, right? So this is like, I imagine that this is you speaking, this is your inner voice. Oh, often, you're still with me? Oh, often, have I washed and dressed, and what's to show for all my pain? Let me lie a bed and rest.

10,000 times I've done my best, and all's to do again. Oh, no, it's the A.E. Houseman. Oh, of course. I mean, I just chose it at random. What's the chances? Oh, God. In case you don't know, there's a thing, absolute radio. I've got this thing against A.E. Hausman, the guy who wrote the Shropshire lad. And if you read any of his poetry on lad, or even just mention his name, the whole thing. Do you think Chris Evans has got an A.E. Houseman alarm?

No, I doubt it. I think he's got, he's alarm probably. goes off if he mentions a joke. Oh. So that was, what's the, Chris, I'm only saying that. I've got the same outfit as him on today. I've got nothing against Chris Evans. I think he's a very talented individual. What was we talking about? Phil, um, Phil Spector. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You were about to name drop. Yeah, no. Well, I had a phone call from, this is a few years ago, from a friend of mine who lives in Melbourne. Melbourne, which I think you can win, um, tickets to win to holiday thing, absolute plain holiday day. God, you'll get at this. Freeze, Christian O'Connell. Just as an an anagram of an announcement, station announcement.

So, um, she phoned from Melbourne and said, I've just seen an award ceremony in which Phil Spector received a lifetime achievement award. And he spent the whole speech slagging you off. What, you? And I said, you Frank Skinner? Yeah.

And I said, what? She said, it's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen in my life. How are you on his radar? Well, what happened was this? I did a show with, are you familiar with a performer known as Mr. Methane? Oh, yeah, I do. Mr. Methane, he breaks wind. I think we can work that out.

It's called Mr. Meathen. Well, I don't know. I mean, not everyone did chemistry. So Mr. Methane wears a green Lycra jumpsuit, and he breaks wind in time, you know, to things. So I, on my chat show, you remember my chat show. Oh, yeah, that was on. telly. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I can't believe I've brought that up there. Anyway, I used to have a chat show. Yes. And on that, I did a duet with Mr. Methame. We did D-D-D-R-R-R-R-R-N-R-R-O-G. You know

Did you change your pants for it? No. I hope he changed this, though. So we did D-D-D-R-R-Ron, and I went, Merry, Muddy, Party, and the Heart stood still, and Mr. Methane did the D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D, but not with his mouth. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm just not going to do it. So it was much hilarity.

Everyone thought it was hilarious, and I thought, you know, it worked quite well. But because if you do a song on a show, you have to clear the song, you have to get the permission of the writer. So they said, well, what is the nature of the thing? And we said, well, I just do a duet with this, of the comedian.

We didn't mention the element, the special me thing. The element. I'm trying to think of a word there, but everything I, Every word I thought I've just seemed wrong for this time of the morning. Distressed mothers at home, children. So people driving. So we didn't tell them, we didn't go into detail.

So they got really outraged about it. And in fact, I brought it out on video, and the video company got fined something like $130,000. Because of Mr. Meek, then. Well, it was my thought, I suppose. But anyway, he got up at Phil Spector and said, you know, I'll tell you, he says, oh, artists are treated in the modern world. The British comedian, Frank Skinner, he said, took one of my songs,

a song loved by a lot of people, he said, and he dragged it, he dragged it through the, and he told the whole, I don't know if he did that, I hope he did it, but, yeah, he got really upset about it, apparently. Frank, we've had an email in entitled Am I a Freak, and you might not be pleased to hear why. Is it from the elephant man? I was going to say he's following technology God bless him

It's from someone called Sarah Okay And she says I recently attended a workshop On working with children We were asked to tell our colleagues Something they wouldn't know about us I said

I fancy Frank Skinner And everyone burst out laughing This made the man Hold on just a minute And everyone burst out Did she do a kind of a funny face Or something when she said it? I don't believe so, no

I'm sorry to tell you Maybe when they She said your name they thought of some of your material. And laughed. Yeah, and laughed. I think you can have a level of funniness when just the name. Yeah, just a good name.

She said the man in charge came over and said it was the strangest thing he'd ever heard on one of his courses. The strangest thing you never heard. I wouldn't mind, but it was Derek Okora. And it was still the strangest thing you'd ever heard. The strangest thing you never heard on one of his courses. Not that straight. I mean, I don't claim to... I ain't no oil painting.

Right? I say, I ain't no oil painting. Oh, we were meant to leap in there and say, oh, no, you're really good looking, Frank. No, forget it too late now. Okay. I think there's an element of the laughing cavalier about it, and maybe Sir Edwin Lanzi as Monica the Glen. But, but...

And Stephen Tompkinson in a certain light. Yes, I don't believe he's an oil painting. Nigel Lithgow. Oh, yeah. I do say I look like Nigel Lithgow, that's true. Someone tweeted me to ask if you're related to him. I said I thought not. Yes.

Well, I don't know. I'm supposed to be doing that. who do you think you are, things. So it'd be great if I find I'm in some ways Lithgonic. He's your evil twin. I think he seems quite nice. Frank Nide. To be like Jedward.

Losterous, blight hair he's got. Lid, I really want to run my fingers through. I do. It looks really lovely, well kept. I think Nigel Lithgow's hair. What was the... Anyway, so Sarah says the upshot is... Yes.

I'm sure Frank's girlfriend... I'm sure Frank's girlfriend fancies him too. Are we freak? She says freak, not freaks. Are we freak? Yeah, are we freak? Okay. Are we human or are we dancer?

Well, I think I'm one of those would but shouldn't, I think I'm in the same category. No, shouldn't but would you are? Would but shouldn't. Am I shouldn't but? Oh, yeah, shouldn't but wood. It doesn't matter, does it? We're not to argue about syntax and absolute radio. Yeah, I think I'm one of those.

I'm one of those. You know, it might be a bit weird. And obviously the pants would have halved that catchment area. Frank, we've had a text in about your pants. Oh, my, I wish I hadn't brought up my pants last week. So do I. It's from anon. Following last week's news that Franks gets full use of his underwear for more than one day,

should we call it the Frank Skidder show? Oh, wow. You've got... I bought you pants this week, though, for your birthday. Oh, no, that was a lovely thing. When I got home last week, because I announced the fact... This is why I said in case it in here it last week. I said that I wear pants for two days.

You know, I think that's saving the planet in many ways. Although you should see my carbon seat print. Anyway, so when I got home, my girlfriend confronted me. She'd listened to the show and she said, you know, I had no idea that you wore pants for two days. Apparently she thought it was the drains. So she's made me promise that I won't do it again. So that was a little frozen moment in time But this week I've actually been wearing one pair a day

Have you? And I must say I felt all the crisp before it You know, some of the scabs have disappeared altogether Oh my goodness No, so I'm going to stick with that now And so all the extra pair So I'm still lost in your scabs Oh yeah, oh yeah

Yes, that was a great show Well, I'll go shovel Do you remember lost in scabs? Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need for your sunny days, delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? Well, you can't get a well-groom lawn delivered, but you can get a chicken parmesan delivered. A cabana? That's a no. But a banana, that's a yes. A nice tan, sorry, nope.

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sprinkled with pumpkin spice. It's full of real flavors you'll keep coming back for. Made just for you at Starbucks. Oh, hi, buddy. Who's the best you are? I wish I could spend all day with you instead. Uh, Dave, you're off mute. Hey, happens to the best of us.

Enjoy some goldfish cheddar crackers. Goldfish have short memories. Be like goldfish. And we have been joined by Alex Horn. I was waiting for that. I heard that before. Yeah, that's quite good. You can take that away with you.

I normally travel with a horn and do that myself. Yeah, I should. I'm Alex Horn. Do you want to try to? right now, go on, give it a go. Yeah, hi, I'm Alex Horn. Yeah, it works. Yeah, I did a mime of shaking someone's hand there.

Yeah, I noticed that. Yeah, I would have had to hold the horn in the other. Well, we do have the webcam thing, so some people will have enjoyed that mind. Yeah, many, many people will have. And some people, now that you've explained, it will enjoy it in retrospect. Can they buy the podcast, the video footage of this, is it released? Well, not officially. Right, but we could do a deal.

You know, something could happen. If it went that way, it's a good way. good handshake. So, um, you're on tour, Alex at the moment. Yes, yes. I was, uh, I was in a Shropshire village last night. Shephnal. A Shropshire village? Yeah, I do village halls, mainly. Are you familiar with, um, the Shropshire poet, A.E. Houseman? Hi.

Oh, no. Oh, sorry, Alex. This is a terrible opening for you. That was so foolish, up there. Um, they have a rule on absolute radio. that he can't mention. A houseman. Yeah. It's all right. No, we've said it once. It's okay for the rest of the show. Oh, I'm sorry I sort of alluded to that with the mentor of

a county. I think I was unlucky. No, and he did a very famous poet. His most famous poem was called a Shropshire lad. Yeah. No, I do know him. Well, not know him. Yeah. Oh, well, it's nice to that he came up earlier. I would have swatted up more on Housman if I knew that this was going to go this direction. We're not really encouraged

to talk about it, but that's the idea of the siren, I think. Yeah. Well, I listened to the siren, but it has a little effect on it. I mean, I don't mind. sirens. Oh, you're a siren fan? Yeah. Doesn't necessarily... You'd have been terrible if you'd have been on... Yeah, I'd be... With Odysseus. Very good reference, this is great.

What's going on here? It's all a book at bedtime. Well, I think Alex feels like a bright bloke. He's got a bit... I think we can go anywhere we like this. I've got a classic's degree. I'm a big fan of Odysseus. Have you? Oh, there you go. Yeah, no, one of my favourite stories. Oh, I like a man with classics degree. Yeah. I always say there's not enough home of material on absolute radio. Oh, there you go.

Very good character. the first thing you said. Anyway, so you're on, can you tell us a little about your show? Someone comes to see Alex Horn, what should they expect? Well, it's about an hour and a half show. There's seven jokes, and the rest of it is more, more facts. Can we show you do that again? Oh, we can't edit it's live.

No, but the jokes are really good. And I think if you pace them, you know, 20 minutes in between, then people are really looking, by the time you get to the joke, people are really chomping for, you know, looking forward to the jokes. So the rest of it is facts about, this show is about the dictionary. Okay. Okay, so it's about This shows about how to get a word in the dictionary

I've been trying to get a word in the dictionary for for four years Okay, have you tried getting it in edgeways How's this guy, is this going well? I think it's going pretty well I'm enjoying, yeah Okay, so you're trying to get a... Is there a particular word that you're championing at the moment?

I came up with five words initially and they're all making some progress The main one is honk Which is relevant to your sound effect But not the noise of a goose So I've got a new meaning, which is cash. Like money, I haven't got any honk on me, I'll have to go to a honk machine. Oh, okay.

We're sort of piggybacking on a word. Right. That still counts. Okay. So you don't have to actually invent a completely new. You can do, but that's sort of harder. You know, if I just said to you, we did invent one word, which is a TK Day. I celebrated my TK Day three years ago, which is your 10,000th day on Earth is a TK.

Oh, I would have thought that meant going to TK Max or something. Well, you could go to TK Max on your TK Day, yeah. Yeah, that would be great. Yeah, I did. I celebrated my TK. Dave with a shopping spree. Yes, that's how it works, this sort of awkward conversation. But that's why, with a made-up word, it's a lot easier. You obviously don't listen to this show.

This is basically it. Don't feel you've caused any sort of awkwardness. This is how we like it. No, I like it too. I like it. But so honk, you can slip it into a conversation more easily because it already exists. Hong, I, yeah. My mum would use the word honk as in to be sick.

Yeah. Your mum isn't a goose, is she? A little bit. She's part of this. A little bit. My mum's a little bit goose. Yeah. My mum's a little bit African and a little bit goose.

But I think that's what's good for the goose is good for Uganda. Oh, God. No, ladies and gentlemen, I should be doing that joke again, live tonight. I've never doing anything else. I'd just be doing that joke. And then Alex Hall will come on and talk about the dictionary. Yeah. That was scripted, wouldn't it?

Oh, yeah. Obviously, we've had that all worked. We've been working on that for weeks. Honing. Very nice. It's a lovely joke. Horning it. We've taken all by radio shows and done a bit of editing and tightening. It's a walk-down memory layer and I know because people find new things quite frightening.

I've had my hair cut. You know, I'm quite pleased with it. Yeah, I like it. I actually went in and the woman said, what would you like? And I said, I'm thinking early Morrissey. And she was quite young, Australian. And I thought, she won't know where Morrissey is. And she said, yeah, that's the look at the moment.

And I thought, well, I'm liking the sound of it being the look. So that's what I've gone for. I like it, Frank. It looks quite military. Yes, well, short back and sides always does. But I tell you what I like, I said, because I've learnt now what I need. And I say clippers on three all the way around. What does that mean really short?

That's the setting, yeah. Oh, okay. And she started really going at it. And it's a great thing when the hair is dropping off you with the clippers. It's a very... Tell me about it. Yeah, you can see why sheep have that contented smile on their faces. Because it's lovely to feel it.

Oh, just to feel all the hair coming on. And I said, it's great, isn't it with the clippers to just go at it? She said, yeah. She said, I'd love to do this to my dad, but I don't think you'd let me. And I thought... Oh. Just a minute. What do you mean?

I love to this to my dad. Like, I'm obviously I'm somebody's dad. He was thinking, oh, he's still trying to relive his youth. And I'm sitting there in the chair now, abused. I'd already had the difficult situation because she said, so you're working today? And I said, yeah, I'm working after this. And she said, what do you do?

And I said, well, she was nice. Don't get me wrong. I'm making her sound like she wasn't nice. She just noticed I was old and wasn't good enough to not refer to it. I said, oh, and I thought, I'm prepared to lie if someone asked me what I do if they don't know. because if you say you're a comedian, I mean, people, you know, especially a hairdresser, I don't want them to think that gives them license to do something comical with my hair, somewhat ridiculous.

Yeah. So she asked me what I did, and I said, well, it's complicated. I'm a comedian, and she said, oh. Is that what she said? Yeah, at the end of that. So I thought, maybe she thinks I'm being, you know, jocular. But they were listening in there, they were listening to absolute 80s, which in case you don't know, absolute, they have a whole string of other channels

behind our backs going on, and with no DJs as well, almost if they're moving towards that as an ideal. Anyway, absolute 80s, as you might guess, it's for people in their 80s. There's a lot of Lonnie Donnie going on there. It's my favourite. Yeah, and a lot of stuff about the war.

They keep replaying the abdication speech, don't they? There was some quite disparaging stuff about Hitler, I thought was unnecessary. And the jingle is the sound of a doodle bog, which apparently sends the poor listeners into paroxysms of fear. Anyway, they had absolute 80s. Now, there is a song. There is probably one song I can think of

that whenever it's played, I have to dance. And I mean, I have to dance. And it came on in the shop, and I thought, oh, no. This was before I got into the chair. It's that one, don't leave me this way. Oh, Blanski-Bee. I can't survive. If I've gone slightly off mic

It's because I'm dancing Oh my God And I don't sing along with it But I do have to dance, right? And I thought I can't dance in here It was early in the morning The other people in there that look sullen And I did that dancing sitting down

That you do Like when you're at a club Oh shuffling in your seats Yeah My feet were really My feet were moving all over the place But I was still seated I found it made me if anything

more agile that I was sitting because I did things with my feet I couldn't have done if I was standing unless I was wearing one of them jet packs like Roger Moore I'll have some adverts and then I'll tell you what happened to me when I bought a watch

I wouldn't you won't believe it Yeah so I went to buy a watch My watch broke How often do you buy a watch? I buy a watch very rarely Oh I buy them all the time You need to update your look I don't know I don't buy them for fashion I wear them until they break, and then I go and buy another one.

So I went to this very nice watch shop in Coven Garden, and I just had the Don't Leave Me This Way experience when I have to dance. Anyway, so I went into the watch shop, and there is also a song. This is absolutely true. There's a song that I have to sing along to, and that came on in the watch shop. So I just got over, Don't Leave Me This Way. I went into the watch shop, and they were playing Roy Orbison's. I drove all night.

And the trouble is with that, it's quite high. And if you're singing it at home, you know, in a shop, if you're going, but people are okay, but if you're going, I drove all night! And I was doing the verse before, and I don't know the words to the verse,

even though I always sing. So I'm going, and the woman I could see was, I could see her finger was an inch and a half from the panic. But anyway, I bought a nice watch and that was that. But what a coincidence, those two songs that have that effect on it. You didn't dance whilst you were singing in the falsetto voice.

No, I don't, I don't mix them on dancing and singing. Oh. Oh, no, I don't think I'm licensed to do that. Anyway, that was my week. Did you see posh spices, I'll call her Victoria Beckham. Victoria Beckham's Bonion this week. Oh, yes. I've seen the Bunyons.

Hell of a bonion. That's a big old bunion. In fact, she's so skinny and the bonion was so big. big, it looked more like Victoria Beckham was growing on the bunyan than vice-versy. It does happen with heels, Frank, I'm afraid. Yeah, but she's, you know, she's a rich woman. You're thinking she said, you know, I've got a bunion, I'd get out sorted.

You know, there'd be, um... Have the surgery? I imagine there's a plastic surgeon who lives in the house with them. Like, you know, like some people have a nanny who just comes in and would shave her bonion off in 10 minutes. Great idea. That bonion's on eBay. Suddenly they've got even more money.

I was thinking, now, what I love about it is such an old-fashioned working class thing for Victoria Beckham to have. That's what, I mean, you'd think she'd have something much more modern. Yeah. It reminds me of when I, I had this lomp on my wrist, and I went, I was seeing a physiotherapist about it. And she said, oh, it's a ganglion. Ganglian? Exactly. And I said, what is that?

She said, oh, it's, you know, the very old things, you need to, you need to eat it with a Bible. I thought, well, it must be a fairly old illness if that's the cure. What sort of a doctor did you go to? No, that was a physiotherapist. So I thought, I'll go and see my doctor, because that makes sense. And I went to see my doctor, and I said, I think I've got a ganglion. And he said, oh, yeah, he said, you need to eat it with a Bible. And I thought, hold on a minute.

You're a doctor. It's like a private doctor as well. Yes, I own up to that. So in the end, I went to see a specialist about it to have it removed, because it was really quite painful. And, because I tried it in it with a, well, I didn't have a Bible. Was it not a Bible? Was it a Jackie Collins novel? No, I, I was it, Collins English Dictionary, but it was a bigan.

And I laid, because it was on my left hand, so I could have a good swing with my right hand. And I hit it, and it really hurt. I mean, it really hurt, but it didn't pop. And I was really swung this, and hit it again, still didn't pop. So I did this thing, I thought, I'll hit the wall with it. and I did it in a kind of a... I didn't just steadily line it up and then hit the war. I sort of walked past the war as if I was going to keep...

And then I suddenly hit the war. Like I'd sneak up on the ganglia. You know, like when Nazis, they're interrogating someone, and they just walk away and give them a quick slap like that. Or try and do the salute in a very small room. Yes. Well, I could... Anyway, it didn't go, so I went and saw a specialist.

And I said, can you believe? I said, some people say I should hit it with the Bible. And he said, this is the 21st century. Can you believe people would say that? He said, I think you need to eat it with a book representing all the great world religions. I thought everybody's a comedian. Comedy from the specialist.

Oh, no, yeah. Well, I am, yes, I have a girlfriend, as you may know, who, she's called Kath. People who listen will know that I mention a case. Kath, that's a habit of saying things not quite correctly. Yeah, I'm familiar with this. Yes, she says, like, you know, old adages and proverbs, but she, like she once said to me, oh, you know what they say,

uh, Jack would eat no sprat. And, uh, this week, she was on about something she'd been to, she said, oh, it was like pulling blood. Which if you think would be incredibly difficult, unless, you know, unless it was in canisters of some kind. But my favourite, she was talking about someone she'd spurt and said, She said that's what I said to him, you know, and she'd confronted someone about something.

She said, you should have said it. It was like a fishing headlight. And she's not joking. I said, well, that's what I don't understand about it. I'm just trying to explain, you know, the nature of our love. And also, I walked into work with her this week, and she looked proper cold. She always wears a scarf.

She wasn't wearing a scarf? It was a freezing cold morning. I said, why aren't you wearing a scarf? Have you lost it? She said, no, she said, I've got these spots. on my neck. I'm trying to freeze them out. That's not medically

possible, isn't it? Unless it's like verucas. You freeze them with liquid nitrogen, don't you? Can you give varucas on your neck? Besides, it wasn't. Oh, this is a nice Valentine's topic. Yes. We've had another text from Alistair who was talking about the show last night and says, I love your

Hamlet photo, very handsome. Oh, I know what that is. Yes, yes. I did a thing called the Bobble last night on BBC too. Yeah, still getting TV work. Yeah. And yeah, they showed a picture of me from a newspaper article, and it was, I think it's the best picture I've ever had taken. It was me looking slightly upward in a scarf.

It was, it was very moody. I liked that show last night. You were kind of, you were locked away for three days. I'm not saying that's why I liked it. No, I was locked, yeah, I was locked away. Well, it turned out to be four days, really. And it's very odd being completely away from the world for four days. and I'll tell you what I did You know when you get the idea You've got some time Some spare time

I know it never really happens in life I thought I'll use it constructively And I could still scarcely believe I did this But I was in my room on my own And I thought You know I've got a bit of time on my hands I'm going to have a crack at levitation Why did you say that?

Because it's levitating has long been Ever since I was a child It's the thing I've fantasised about You know where people dream about flight? And, you know, it's never... No, I never dreamt about that. I dreamt about getting off with Simon Lebon. I didn't dream about flight or levitating.

Oh, okay. Yeah, so I tried levitating. I went up, I raised one foot. That much was easy. And then I went up onto the insol of the other one. And then I got right onto the toe. And for a second, I thought, if I could really believe now, I really do believe I could rise up.

And I convinced myself of this. As I say, when I was a child, I used to dream about this. And I never wanted to soar above the clouds. I would have been happy just about four inches above the ground. I'd have been so happy with. Well, you were on your own, Frank, when you were doing this. So it was Reginald Hunter clattering around making an omelette or something in the kitchen. No, neither ranch nor Victoria Corrin, who I was trapped with.

Not trapped, that's not the right way. Who I was locked up with at the time. No. But it made me honestly believe that one could levitate. I could have done with another week in there to get the other foot up I've been to got one foot up in the first hour It seems quite a weird thing to try that

I mean I'm really impressed but that wouldn't strike me as a hobby necessarily Not a hobby but it's so long been a dream I don't know what it is at my reputation I can see I don't really want to go that high I'd like to be with someone and for them to suddenly become aware of the fact that I'm not actually touching the ground

That's what I want I don't want I don't want fireworks I don't want a spectacular I want just a hint, just me arriving, and they're realising that as I come down the corridor, my feet aren't moving. I'm just sort of going along, as if I was on some sort of... You see, that's what not having telly does. It drives you to do things like that. It is interesting, because we weren't allowed to have telly there, obviously, in this house. As I said, this is for the TV programme I did last night, called The Bobble.

We had to be kept away from the news, so we had no internet, no newspapers, no phones, and no telly. and I'm not one of these people who thinks I used to know some people in in places like Hampstead in London where they'd say we don't have a television I don't think it's good for the children I once went six weeks without a television I would have killed the next person who came in the house

if I didn't get one I mean you've got to have one it's the beginning and the end I know obviously radio is better but oh man so we ended up doing things like talking oh yeah And we played cribbage. Oh, what's that?

Cribidge is a card game. Oh, I've never played that. Yeah, and... I don't know what I do without my telly, though. Because you know there's that book called Outliers, and it says to be an expert at something, you need about 10,000 hours of practice. Yeah.

That's how long you need to spend. On levitation. Well, yeah, exactly. Are you going to spend 10,000 hours doing levitating? Well, I'm actually trying it now. None of you have picked up on it. Can you not see a slight tension in my neck muscles? Yeah, I'm just trying, just to lift up a little.

I know you're looking at me suspiciously. Like when people tilt pre-wind breakage. But it's nothing to do with that. This is, I'm heading for the stars. I'm not heading for the stars, actually. I'm heading for that second panel up on the wall. It's cold friends, fingers, radio days. I don't win days as in stupor.

A mean days as in the sevens of the week. So this is a take out a gloat. Thank you.