The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Naked Bike Ride

Episode Date: April 24, 2026

Frank, Emily and Alun are in 2013 for this edition of the radio show best bits. Frank has had an unbelievable week, Emily has been to LA with R. Patz and Barack Obama has had an issue with names. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by FedEx. These days, the Power Move isn't having a big metallic credit card to drop on the check at a corporate lunch. The real Power Move is leveling up your business with FedEx intelligence, and accessing one of the biggest data networks powered by one of the biggest delivery networks. Level up your business with FedEx, the new Power Move. Welcome aboard via rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and sip.

Play. Post. Taste. View. And enjoy. Via rail. Love the way. I was, so I was crossing Waterloo Bridge.

Crosses the Thames. Yeah. Oh, thanks for me. I'm aware of its work. Central last. And not all our listeners are in London. Can we remember that? Oh, sorry about that.

And I was. I was with my... Sorry for your loss. I was with my... I'm so shari for your lash. That was what I heard Lisa. Liza Manelli said at the beginning of a gig. And we took...

I just thinking, what's you're talking about? I'm so sherry for your lash. You're so shed. And it turned out she was on about the Queen Mother who died two months earlier. She said, I met her once. She was so beautiful. When did you meet her?

In 1904. Anyway. I love Liza Mellie. Can I say that? Yes, I'm not ashamed. Oh, I'm team guest. I've met him. Anyway, that's another story. I went to their first anniversary party. You did.

I did. Worked by all. You always have to Donald me, don't you? As Emily would say, that's another story. So, I was crossing Waterloo Bridge. I was with my girlfriend, Kath, and our baby bars. Not really? Domestic scene.

We had to stop because it was about, a hundred, I would say, naked people on bicycles, cycling over the bridge. I don't know if you're aware, it was a sort of a, was it a protest of some kind? Well, I saw these naked people. I've never been so disgusted in my life. I was on route to get a road drive. Oh, I've been much more disgusted than that. I was. That's terrible.

They stopped that. They actually stopped that. I was going to get a blow dry in London's littering Covent Garden. You should be able to go into the opposite lane, like emergency vehicles. Olympic lane for blowd rice. Exactly. And I've never... I mean, I'm sorry, Frank. You know what it did make me think?

Because there was a lot of them, weren't there? Yeah. The female body looks better, doesn't it? I know it's a cliche, but... But the older it gets? No, in comparison to the male body, naked. Well, my girlfriend said to me... Look like an old-on-cooked chicken, those men.

They'd all gone past. I was with my girlfriend, so I tried to look, you know, unimpressed. And she said to me, there's a... She said there's a lot of variety in the men. I thought, how dare you ever say that? We left it there. Really, that was on.

Did she say variety? Yeah, she said variety. Oh, I love her. One woman had underwear on. I remember thinking, whoa. To me, it seemed more exciting than the... I saw those men, and I'm not going to get into it. I just will say, I realise I've been very fortunate in my intimate life.

Well... Let's leave it there. Okay, let's leave it there. I realised I'd sort of broken even But I tell you what worried me Which to me didn't seem very responsible citizen Is that a lot of them were on Boris bikes Oh my god, I feel sickened

If you don't know if you're outside London Boris bikes are bikes that you hire for the, you know By the hour or for the day or whatever And I'm worried now It's put me off going on a Boris bike Well, if you've had one of those. A pack of baby wipes with you and you can give it a swab on the saddle. No, I'd want a kettle of boiling water with me.

Some of those guys. That's what, you want detl and a jacloth, minimum. Some of them look like they were just back from norm. Well, anyone, it was just, I just thought that was, that was just wrong, surely. Oh, dear. I mean, no, that's what I mean. But having said that, I had no problem with the actual bite writing. And mainly because there was a man next to me.

with his family and he went Weirdos And I thought That is the difference, isn't it? I don't want to be with this bloke I'd rather be with the variety conversation We've taken all my radio shows It would have been of editing and tightening

It's a walk-down memory lane I know because people Find new things quite frightening So This woman's skirt block when I saw her whole pants. That's another plate that we've got spinning, is pants that Frank has seen through the years.

And I don't... I like her whole pants. I don't... I don't... I won't tolerate sexism, in any of its manifestations, but I don't... You can't help finding that thrilling in some way

because it seems like it's an act of God. Only, that's what I put on the insurance for. Did I tell you I had a heart attack when I saw it? I love an AOG, as long as it was an AIG. So bear in mind, this is a week where I've already seen a lot of people go, naked people go past on bikes, and then suddenly I've seen a woman's whole pants. Wow. And then, and then the next day, and I swear to you, this is true in every...

The car being in then. How did you do anything in the street? In every detail. Well, I'm just on my way places when this happens. I'm walking down Maiden Lane, of all places, in Coven Garden, in London. And there's a woman, I see a woman standing in the middle of the street. she must have been six feet tall. She looked unbelievable.

I thought obviously a model. She got like a vest top. I think it was spaghetti straps. And a black mini skirt. But she looked, I mean, she looked like a beautiful model. Tall, as exactly is expecting. So I thought, what a week I've had. I don't think it can get any more exciting than the week I've had,

at which point she took a skirt off. Yeah. I was going to say shut the front door, but I'm not now. No. And, um, all I couldn't. I thought you were right about the one of my long johns. No, but she was being photographed as it turned out. It was like an underwear shoot in the middle of, um, of the street.

Right next, obviously I couldn't stop and linger because when you're a celebrity, you can't, you can't, you'll be photographed. looking and that's your career ruined. That's why I've kept it to myself. But what a week. Some naked bike ride. Woman's whole pants. And then another woman's whole pants and no skirt at all. And you know, I don't even

remember talking to that genie. Did I tell you that this woman was outside the Catholic church in Maiden Lane? That's what worried. Well, the woman with her whole pants. Yeah. This is the woman who took a skirt. Oh yeah, the skirt. I mean, why would she be outside? Was it photo shoot that was making some sort of, you know, was it...

Point. Maybe it's just a nice backdrop. Yeah, but I hope it's not some sort of salacious reference to the... You don't remember salacious reference. I think it was Jack Black, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so that happened.

I have to say... This is a detail. Just after I got past this woman, it took a skirt off, I had to rewind my audio book. Yes. I realized I hadn't been... And been focused. Yeah.

So then, I've got off the... No. I got off the tube. I've got off Embankment Tube the next day. I'm not making... Honestly, I'm not making a second. I love that you get the tube. I'm not making a word of this.

I don't lie on this show. Yeah, we know. Blart... Scalion. If I'd been Prime Minister, that's what they've been the... Scalioner. What I mean, it just... Okay, next week more in a series of if I'd been...

So there's a girl handing out leaflets, quite an attractive woman, and in her leaflets. And I noticed that some people, she was completely not giving the leaflets too. So they're going to say completely naked? She just took a skirt off. No, she was completely, no, this is a slightly, this is a spin. This is a spin-off. So I thought, oh, she's definitely not, she's not giving them a leaflet. She's giving that.

I thought that she's a bit selective. I wonder if I'll get a leaflet. Suddenly getting a leaf, you know, you think, oh, go, go, look at me a leaflet. I'm thinking, oh, no, I wonder if I'll get one. Am I in the leaflet club? Uh-huh. So, she gave me a leaflet.

I got a leaflet, and I thought, yes, yes, thank you very much. I've got me leaflet. It's an organisation, this is what it says on it. Are you tired of being alone? Oh. Without a beautiful young woman at your side? I mean, I was just walking.

I hope you stuffed it back in your pocket and turned back and told her what a week you'd had. We can provide you with that perfect partner. And it's a very affordable price. What, for the hour? I'm sorry? Are they talking about it for the hour? I don't know what that. I mean, honestly, for those of you cannot travel to Prague, we...

What? What have that come from? We've designed a programme via which you can still meet the lady of your dreams. I don't like the sound of the programme. Sky. Sky. It's the programme. What, flight?

Flight is the programme. Ferrys. It says our programmes are designed for single men looking for a true life partner who is beautiful, 10 to 40 years younger. 40 years younger. Intelligent, educated

and whose culture is one of support and respect for their partner. Now, why me? Why did I get this? That wasn't a rhetorical question. That's the texting. But it says at the end, my one get-out clause,

P.S., if you're in a successful relationship or married, successful relationship or married, you know, please pass this leaflet onto a single friend. So I'm going to do that. I need to talk to you about something. I've been on my travels this week. Oh, have you? We're here.

We're here at last. I popped over to my spiritual home. I went to Beverly Hills. Wow. Oh, I love it, Frank. I didn't really leave Beverly Hills. I didn't go anywhere else. And I was a guest of Dior,

and they treat you well. There's no skrimping on the luxury front. There were cars taking me round. I kept saying, charge it to the Dior account. Wow. That's what I said. Wow.

I tried that in Tesco last night. It didn't work very well. No. It's a good sentence to get used to say, They had the door. You'd get into a car. I had a Dior car while I was there. A Dior door. Yeah. And I got so spoiled. I just used to leave the door open. It was only when I left that I realized I hadn't closed or opened a car door in five days. I love, there was some lovely waiters. I was at Beverly Hills Hotel. The waiter said to me the first night. I said, what do you recommend? He said, I would go for the chicken. I think you'll find it very visually stimulating.

Great. Don't you love that? Yes. But I'll cut to the chicken. chase. There was a reason why I was there. I was a guest of Dior because they were unveiling their new face and I was there to meet, oh, Biggie, Robert Pattinson. Bob? You can't call him Bob? No. He's no Bob. He's no Bob. R. Pat. Well, I don't think he likes that very much. You called it R. Pat, like cow pat.

Yeah. I think it's R. Pats, isn't it? It is, but I don't know whether he likes that. You know, like Irish people wear on St Patrick's night, harp hats. I was interviewing him for Install magazine, so I can't give away too many spoiler alerts. That's the sort of thing they would have said when I was a kid. I'm going down R-Pats on Tuesday.

And now he's become an interview. So you interviewed him? I interviewed him. So first question, he has one like most handsome man. Oh, I know. the magazines. Oh yeah. How handsome is Arpats? Oh, I'd say he's, he's beyond an 11. Really? Shut. He had, he looked very young, he's very teenage-like. How old? How old is some, Arpa?

I think you're, I think he, calling him Harper now. Harpo. Arpies. Are we going to guess it, or Google it? He's your 26, 27, Mark. Okay, okay. Yeah, but he was very nice. There were two security men outside. He laughed politely at my jokes. I think he had GSO, but then he did just laugh at my jokes. I thought that was good. Frank, guess what? I asked a question on your behalf. No. I did.

Because I thought I'm over here, and I thought, I bet there's something, in fact, so I brought up Doctor Who. Oh, yeah. I don't know why. I suddenly said, oh, I said, are you interested in Doctor Who? What, being the new one, do you mean? I said, do you watch it?

Good call, that. I know. I said, do you watch it? No, don't really watch it. I said, oh, I said, you know they're looking for a new doctor, though. Did you know that? I don't know. See, I never know what they know people like are up.

How much they're in the world. I know. So I said to him, I said, oh, would you consider it? He said, well, I said, I looked up your odds. He said, oh, did you? What were they? Oh. Oh, you liked to gamble.

I said 80 to 1. He looked really disappointed. Well, I was 66 to 1? Well, no, then I told him. Well, no, I told him, I said, Stephen Frye was 66 to 1. He went, oh. When I told him he was 80 to 1, he said, that's a bit low, isn't it? But that's because they think he'd never do it because he's too big.

I think he looked a bit competitive. I think he would do it. I think if R Pat's agent phoned up and said actually ARP is in the running ARP's interested I think I think they'd be

God imagine the ratings they'd get if he was the Doctor Who I mean he's Let's face it Beautiful We had a tweet in We had a tweet in Already

Yeah it happens sometimes This is from some called the Barnes identity. That's got to be a ban, doesn't it? I don't know. Okay. I thought it was one of John Barnes's relatives. But can imagine, can't you?

Have you had that new track by the Barnes identity? Yeah, I like them. They're always a bit on the edge. He has tweeted us to say, have you seen this mug with Frank and Emily on it? He provides a link to Amazon.co.com. And there's a mug, Frank, available for £8.99, who, not even my mother would pay that.

Not cheap for a more. A photograph of you and me at the Harry Potter premiere. I'd say about 2001. Well, yeah, we can, obviously we can date that. When was the first Harry Potter film? Wow. 899. Marvelous.

I know. Daisy, the producer, looked at it and she said, oh, you and Frank, he looks like he's just left his wife, and this is your first public outing. Well, I know that look. And you're wrong. I'm sitting that look on other pictures of me, But I think that's lovely. I might get one.

I might as well. I might get three. I want to know who's selling this merch. Surely you'd do some royalties. I've got to... I'm not to hell with you. I'll let the potter... You say that.

I'll let the potter people sort of... Yeah. It's their premiere. Well, that is... I have got a few mugs with me on. Have you? Yeah. You were going to bring some Frankskinner mugs in, weren't you?

Oh. You said that you had an excess of Frankskin... Well, I had some with a coarse, Joe. of mine. Oh, yeah. I know. Yeah, bring them in. I am.

I have a white mug, actually, which I, I decided that this mug, tea didn't taste as good in it as it did in my other receptacles. Uh-huh. So I stopped using it for tea. If I had a, fair enough, if I had a bovril, I'd bring it out. How often does that happen?

How many years? I'll have a bov-oh, I'd say I'll have 14 a year. Yeah. But tea, I would not drink tea from it. And then the other day, the cups was that it was the only one left. And it was, I thought, I'm going to give you another chance. You know, it was like the prodigal mug. Oh, I love that tale.

And I had a cup of tea out of it. How was it? It's all right. Oh, I'm so pleased. It was actually all right. And I'm thinking, as far as I'm concerned now, it's back in the first team squad. Oh, that's nice. Is it?

Yeah. Who'd have thought that? I'd written it off completely. I mean, I hadn't even thought about it. I'm so glad I know that now. Do you ever do that? Where did someone actually texting about mugs in a fancy mug? I noticed myself, it's made me more aware of it. As our readers often do, they bring things to my attention.

I love them for that. But I had some friends around, and I met him a cup of tea. I said, you know, mine host. And I went over to the mug And I can't remember which mug it was there But I remember thinking Well, this one This will start a bit of a conversation going

Oh, lovely Oh, let's try this mug And I do pick, you know, horses for courses With mugs Yeah Yeah Okay I mean, I bought a one of those

Oh, we're not done yet You know, those thermos mugs That you would put a coffee in And then take it on a drive Oh yeah, at the top of the thermos Yeah. I bought one of those from a bargain shop near my home for 99 pens. Not second hand.

No. Oh, I bet there's a lot of tanning around the rim. A shop that offers savings. One of those, like, not Woolworth's, but in the premises where Wilworth's were. Kind of. Well, I bought a thermos mug for 99 pence, and it leaks, and it frustrated me. What at that price as well? Yeah.

I was thinking how long as the technology for the mug existed, in a foolproof way where it doesn't leak. And now, in 2013, it's dripping all over the inside of my car. I didn't find that out in the house. I took a hot drink into the vehicle. I was incandescent with rage. So there's a lesson to be taught here, isn't it? The texting this week is, Mugs you've known during your life.

I think the text thing should be, you pay peanuts. You get mug leaks. Nearly worked. Nearly worked. Local news is in decline across... Canada. And this is bad news for all of us. With less local news, noise, rumors, and misinformation fill the void. And it gets harder to separate truth from fiction. That's why CBC News is putting more journalists in more places across Canada, reporting on the ground from where you live,

telling the stories that matter to all of us, because local news is big news. Choose news, not noise. CBC News This episode is brought to you by Tellus Online Security Oh, tax season is the worst You mean hack season? Sorry, what? Yeah, cybercriminals love tax forms But I've got Tellus Online Security

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I think I mentioned to some of you that I'm working for Sky Arts at the moment. And we have a quest to find the portrait artist of the year. So we have a roadshow in various cities and people come and paint celebrities. So we had three big celebrities turn up from the acting profession. Oh, who's that? Robert Lindsay. Lovely. Alison Stedman.

Oh, yeah. And Juliet Stevenson. Lovely. Yeah. And they were painted by this. And so I had to go around with a camera crew and talk to the artist as they worked. There was it, there's a few people when they saw this show. I'm co-hosting with Joan Bakewell. They probably thought, Joan Bakewell, on an art show, fair enough.

Frank Skinner, not sure. And I thought, you know, they'll see. They'll see. And then I started talking to this woman, and she was doing a pencil lines and sketches of Alice instead. And I said, so, you're coming obviously to the end of the pencil. So I suppose now the thing is to colour it in. And there was a slight tension in the air. She said, well, it was a bit more.

And I said, yeah, I'm basically colour it. I tried to, I stopped with it. Anyway, it was all a bit awkward, and I went off. And about three hours later, I went past again. she was colouring it in I mean there's no author That's what she was doing She was colouring it in

So sometimes You know the layman He goes It was like the emperor's What did he have emperor The emperor New garments Oh yeah that's it

The garments of the emperor Does she colour it in dark enough To colour over The little numbers That she'd drawn on All the different parts Of the place Don't get me wrong

She was very good They were all brilliant Did she have letters In each section because I find that helps with colouring in. Colourings in, I call it. Imagine if you'd have said that. You're doing your colourings in afterwards.

I'd say something I noticed. I thought, I finally discovered the appeal of the portrait painter. It's that you really get to stare at people. I mean, really, and that has gone from life, hasn't it? When you're a child, you really, even my baby, who's only just turned one, he really stares. If he's interested in someone, you'll properly stare at them with no reticence at all. When you're an adult, it becomes a dangerous thing.

It does, yeah. Because you could either get in a fight or a relationship, both of which have been a source of all sorts of trouble for me over the years. And so we don't stare anymore. We look slightly to one side. But if you're a portrait painter, you can really have a good gaw. So, um, I'm thinking I might reintroduce staring into my life. You're doing it now, and you're staring?

Yeah. My wife says I'm a stareer. But who do you stare at her? Apparently passes by. Oh, God. And sometimes she'll say, you're looking at him as if to say, what are you looking at? And I'm thinking, well, he's staring at me, and she'll say, you're staring back at you. Apparently, I'm a stareer.

I'm going to stop you doing that karate. I, Frank Emily and the Cockraw. Oh, thank you. I have a white Frank Skinner and David Bedilmug. Oh. I haven't got one of those. You lucky monkey that I pinched from our choir rehearsal because I couldn't be bothered to wash it up

and put it back in the kitchen when we'd finish singing. They're a hard bed of crime choir rehearsals, aren't they? I should add that we rehearse in an Anglican church hall. Oh, that's my favourite one Anglican in Edgeware Road. Not sure. That is often used to rehearse in by major theatre companies In fact, a certain Kenneth Branagh is currently rehearsing that. So before I stole it, it's very possible that a huge celebrity may also have used it.

It is one of my very favourite mugs. Lovely. Although I always have a little tingle of guilt every time I use it. I like to think it gives me a sense of what it's like to be a Catholic. That's from Anna. The Sting in the tale. I have to say I always get a little tingle of guilt whenever I use it. I think that's to be, to do with being Catholic.

Oh, my God. And a sting in the tail. No way, I just think Kenneth Branner might have drunk out of a Bedele and Skinner mug. Someone had said to me, in 10 years' time, Kenneth Ranner's going to forget it. I'll tell you what, when I was walking to the Arts Road Show, I'll tell you about on Sunday, there was a bunch of women walking ahead of me carrying arts equipment,

quite a lot of arts equipment. And it was early in the morning, they hadn't seen me, And I thought, I'll be all the, you know, man of the people. And I said, have you got a van? You know, because they had a lot of us. And one of the girls said, no, we need one. And then she turned to her friends and said, this is stupid question.

Was it me? No. I mean, she hadn't clotped me properly. And I thought, it's a disgrace the way the non-famous are treated. It is. I don't know how they cope. I really thought... I wouldn't want to go back to that. You wouldn't want to remove the cloak of celebrity, darling.

It's protected you well. See, it's softened me up now. I was sensitive to that. I was quite hurt by it. Yeah. In the old days, I wouldn't have thought, you know, twice. But, oh, dear. I saw your...

They did some face painting on you, Frank. They did. They painted a van go. On your face? That's what she should have said, when you said, haven't you got a van? She could have said, we've got a van go. See, if she'd have said that,

I would have shook her hand. And you could have said, easel come, easel go. Because she's carrying on. And then what would she have said? She'd have said, you're as daft as a brush, Frank. And then what would I have said? I don't know.

So I would have been the one who I didn't have anything to say at the end. And that's why I didn't even go into that. I love that the ending to that was, I don't know. That was, it wasn't the best game of joke tennis. But in the end, it was an era rather than a great shot. Barack Obama called George Osborne Jeffrey. Three times, was it this one?

Apparently three. How many times did the Cockerel Crow? Indeed. A little reference there. Yeah. It's not enough of that on here. No. It's enough of that on here.

He called him Jeff. It was sort of G8 gate, wasn't it? Yes, because it had... Which is odd because G8 is sort of gait. Yeah. Do you remember those guarantees? Q8. Q8?

It used to be a Q and an eight. Oh, no, I don't remember that. And I imagine all the petrol came from Kuwait. Yeah. Q8. Q8. I imagine that's where it came from. Hence, Q8.

Yeah. Is you going to say Q8 again? seven times I went there once and there was quite a big loads of people wanting to get petrol and I ate Q's at Q8

so they were at G8 I noticed the Japanese Premier he had deck shoes on did he? Oh embarrassing did he? They all had smart black shoes I realise I'm the only person in the world

that notices the shoes Everybody noticed they didn't have ties on did they Yeah. Everyone's talking about their ties, but you're looking at the deck shoes. I noticed it. Do you mean like a deck from Anton deck shoes? No. Race bus inner platforms.

They're going to talk. Deck shoes? Yeah. What? He came by boat from Japan. Where was it? It was in, Enniskelling, wasn't it? Yeah.

I'm going to Eneskilling for the, uh, for the Samuel Beckett Festival. Hey, yeah. In August. Oh, God, yeah. What? Great. I'm reading a short story in an unusual setting. Oh.

Carole. I know this part of the show. We're just in what I might be doing in the next one month. I had my word by the for having a go at it. If he's not definitely right, because I don't use people's names if I'm not 100%. But he did it three times, and when he kept saying, thanks for that, Geoffrey. Oh, he used it really confidently. If he'd have done it once, he could have got away with it.

Yeah. But it was too obvious by that stage that he had no idea what he would. The thing is when the British politicians get near to Barack Obama, they all get a bit like when you're with the pretty girl at school, they're all very excited that it's Barack Obama. So the things he says to them, I mean, they treasure that for the rest of their terrible lives. So George Osborne might make light of this, but I bet he's devastated. Well, you say that, but actually George Osborne isn't really George Osborne, is he?

He's actually Gideon. He is. His real name is Gideon. So he's probably just. thinking, well, you're in the right region, I'll let it slide. I think that is fair enough. If you're sort of in the right ballpark, like, you know, I recently was taking somebody's phone number,

and I'd already... What? I'd already met this chap. I mean, for her to find out... No. And he's just said, I'd already met this chap. Yeah, I'd already met this chap. And I knew his name was short.

gone to be behind the candelabra. It's John, isn't it? And he went, Ben. And I think I should have got points for it being short. At least I didn't go, it's, you know, Sebastian and he'd gone. You know what I performed in St Paul's recently? Oh, yeah. And the guy who was like...

He's played them all. The guy who was the main guy who interviewed me and stuff. I spent the entire evening calling him... I think I can't remember which I right. I was calling him Andrew. And then when I got back, I read the email again. was called Richard. He never...

Shut up, you kidding. I did. He never corrected me on any occasion. Publicly? Or throughout. He never corrected me. What a lovely man. Whatever he was called.

It's not what he's saying about you. I feel that a rose by any other name would smell of sweet. Yes. So, Geoffrey Osborne. Yes. Now, there is an explanation which I must admit left me left me bewildered. Yeah. Because I don't remember

there being a soul singer called Geoffrey Osborne. Yeah, because Obama said, I'm sorry, man. Did he actually say man? He said, I must have confused you with my favourite R&B singer. I think he said man, because he still didn't know his name at that point. Yeah. Yeah. They knew. I hope he said my man.

I'm sorry, my man. Any president that says man went referring to the tons of the exchequer is fine by me. Yeah. I think he is so good. It's so cool. He could have totally faced it out, couldn't he, Obama? Yeah.

Just like, yeah, it's just what I do. I think he could have said, oh, shut your face. Be glad I speak to him at all. He could have done that. And George Oswald would have gone, and that would have been. Obama doesn't speak quickly enough to say,

shut your face, does it? He'd have too many pauses because he goes, shut your mouth, is what he would say. Your. Why didn't he just call him y'all? Y'all, doing great job. kind of me. You're all deep south.

Yeah, I'm a bit careful. Sorry, I've gone slightly Tom and Jerry, housemaid, forgive me. I'll run this through the... I've got form with Jeffrey Osbourne. Have you? Yes. So who, can you tell me who he is first? On the wings of love.

There you go. That was the song. Tell you advertised those, did he? I could have sworn that was Claire Rainer. Well, I'll tell you how I remember him, because my parents... My parents used to take me to the top of the pop studios when I was a kid. Natch. Well, we say that, but in retrospect,

was that a safe place for me to be hanging out? It was another story. Luckily, it didn't have any influence at all. Parents, hey? So, and I remember on one occasion when I was in the top of the pop studio, I saw him perform live. So I have seen Jeffrey Osborne live. It was great.

He used to wear leather trousers, I remember. Did he? With a sluggled on pocket. Under those lights. Yeah. I don't envy him that. Didn't care back then, did they? But he can't be Barack Obama's favourite R&B singer, can he?

Could be. I mean, it makes Obama slightly less cool, don't it? Yeah, it does. It's the leather trousers. Well, of course, I need to talk about what I've been up to this week. It's not all about you two, because you may have had your face painted, but I went to the Royal Ascot. Oh.

What, to the races, or just to the... Don't make it sound common. After a pop. What's a pop. A pop called the Royal Ascot. I went to Royal Asco. I've never seen such... And this is me talking.

I've never seen such alcoholic excess in my life as I saw at Ascle. People just lying on the floor with their dresses up. Aren't people worried about it? Yeah, but I waited till about six of all. Oh, that's fair enough. I'm on about lunch time. I was in the Royal Inclusion, to be fair. Lunch time.

Can I say, just I hate to... This is your story I know, but I... I once was... A moment. I was presenting an award at the Olivier's. At the Olivier Awards. And we were, all the people presenting were in this little room watching it on a monitor. And Maureen Lippman was also presenting that day.

And they did them in the afternoon. It was like it started at 12 o'clock or something, the ceremony. And this woman won, and she came up and she had a ball going on. And Maureen Lippman went, Lunch time, dear. Marvelous. So anyway, cut to me, 8am hairdressing appointment at the house. I love it when they come to the house.

They get, yeah, you have to pay their cab fare there and back, but that's fair enough. But I had to get, it's a very strict dress code for Ascot, very strict, Frank. No straps can't be thicker, thinner than one inch. No strapless dresses, Frank. Not allowed a strapless dress. Really? I had to wear a hat in the Royal enclosure.

I had my hat. I don't think I can tell you how much it was. I had it sent over to me. It was two monkeys. That's a fabulous design. Were they mounted or just holding hands? It was. That's a grand.

Over a grand it was. And it was the Duchess of Cambridge's milliner. But you'll be able to use it again. Duchess of Cambridge. That's the same milliner that she goes to. Oh, wow. Oh, my milliner has got no royal connections whatsoever. And I feel like I've mugged myself now.

I almost want to offer the job in a hat shop. And I said, you know, who wants to be a milliner? Oh, I love that part. And Chris Tarrant, I was in there. He took his notepad out, wrote Summit down, left. And I've often wondered what that was. Well, that's a two-grand hat. But there was another hat disaster.

Because Tom, who I was going with, and he's quite blue-blooded, he's quite posh. Okay. So I thought, well, he'll get the dress code right, because it's morning. suit and top hats, top hat and tails. He didn't turn up in a thin strapped dress, did it? No. It wasn't wearing spags. No, he didn't go Grayson Perry, but he did turn up... Lunchtime, dear.

He did turn up with a top hat. I said, Tom, is that your top hat? It was a fancy dress shop top hat. It was felt with a staple sticking out of here. Oh, no. And the plastic brim coming off. He said, I won't have to wear it. It'll be fine.

And mirrors like a noddy older. I said, where did you get it? He said, it was my nephew's dressing upbox. So I thought this isn't going to pass royal muster. You're right, he is posh, because his nephew's got a dress in op box. I thought that only happened in Winnie the Pooh. So the organisers are sort of, well, I don't think you can wear that in the Royal enclosure. So Dawn O'Porter was there, who's Chris O'Dowd's.

She became, she took that little, just one letter from his name. I said, I like what you did with that. She said, thanks. She said, there's a shop over there, you can go and buy one. So she sent him off to the shop. Meanwhile, they said to me, would you do an interview with Ascot TV, which is all over, these big screens, Frank, big screens all over the stadium. Really? Yeah. Stadium?

Oh, that's what I call it. I don't know what it was. So I said, yeah, yeah, I'll do the interview. So the girl talked to me. I could hear my voice reverberating. They were everywhere. Oh, like when they sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl and their mouth isn't quite in sync because of... I could hear my voice. So they asked about my clothes, what are you wearing? I told them everything.

What were you wearing? I had an Alice Templey dress. No, no, what were you wearing? No, no. No, no. What was the designer? Alice Templey. Lovely. So, again...

I find them a bit. Tempelly. She dresses the Middleton girls a lot. Does she? Yeah. So, it was all very royal. So she's asking me nice questions. We're talking shoes and bag and hats and gloves

and all this sort of stuff. And then for some reason, I don't know why I did this, Frank. I need to apologise in advance. she said, so what do you make of Ascot? Why are you at Ascot? Something like that. And I said, I despise horses, and I heard myself saying it on the screen. To Ascot.

And I loathe gambling. I said, so I don't know why I'm here. She was polite. She lost. She went, ha, ha, ha, ha. She said, well, you don't just work at Install magazine. You're also the co-host on the Frank Skinner Breakfast Show. So my name rattled around Ascotts.

Scott Stadium. I said, that's right. I said, Frank hates horses as well. Whoa. Whoa. I'm so sorry. I've been implicated. I know. I do like gamblers as well. He might want to throw in that in. I don't hate gamblers, but I hate gambling. Tom, meanwhile, came back from the Ascot Top Hat Shop. He said, they're two and a half grand. I can't stand that kind of one. No. Did they... No, they got four. Did they... That's who I mix with, high rollers. He should have got one with the price. tag in it, like the one from Alice in Wonderland, that character. Do you know what I liked about the programmes?

All I bet on was Frankie DeTorri. Anything he was in, I thought, would be good. I didn't get the idea of... I backed on Frankie de Liberal Democrat. The less volatile, the two jockeys. Did anyone pull you up, though, on the horse remark? Did anyone say, excuse me, when I'm horses are my life? I got a few strange looks.

I think they clocked it. From the horses? No, well, I couldn't really tell. How did you know, we've worked for this. And now they know that you hate them as well, Frank. I do say they understand humans, don't it? Can I say they are horrible creatures, I know. I mean, I saw them up close.

A bit salty. Frank, they're so shiny and ribby. Oh, disgusting. What the plush. It's cold Frank's crew, that's radio days. I don't know days as a stupor. Many days as in the seven for the weeks And this is a take not a blooper