The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Pants

Episode Date: August 16, 2025

This time it’s Bonfire Night but it turns out none of the team were bothered. Frank has been to a Science Breakfast and Micky Flanagan is our guest! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank Skinner's Radio Days It could go one of two ways Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days Some of the best bits from my old radio show We're approaching the end of 2009 I know it's getting colder, isn't he? And our guest this time is Mickey Flanagan I'd say before he was big

Obviously we wouldn't get him on now But enjoy I'm Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio And I'm with Emily and carrots. I'm having slight nominal aphasia. Do you know nominal aphasia when you forget the names of things? I just forgot me, the radio station, and both of you. That's not a great start.

A full house. Exactly. A full house in the world of nominal aphasia. If you're playing nominal aphasia, bingo at home, too late, you lose. So it's been one of those weeks when it's been two major events. It's been Halloween and bonfire night in the same way. I don't personally celebrate bonfire night because I'm a Roman Catholic and is actually a celebration of torturing Roman Catholics,

burning them, honged drawing and quartering, cutting their fingers off individually. Oh, this is a nice start in the morning. Well, I just think it's about time it was laid down clear to the British public what they're celebrating on bonfire night, right? Because it's all about, it's not about really, it's not a reenactment of Guy Fawkes getting caught with the gunpowder. It's about him being tortured afterwards. Yeah. Well, I don't celebrate it, but only because it's very unglamorous.

I don't want to stand... Well, that's another good reason. Yeah, but Frank, I may as well just stand there watching my boiler. To me, that's the same principle, essentially, just watching something burn for three hours. Why would I do that? Do you never watch your boiler? No. I imagine your boiler wears an Armani jacket.

A quilted Armani jacket. Well, I don't know. I had a bit of a problem with it. I went out on, I went to David Badeal's house, actually. Well, for bonfire night. Yeah. And being David Badeal, we didn't have any fireworks. We just sat with the children at the window and watched other people's fireworks. It's absolutely true.

I'm not suggesting for a second that David is careful with money. But no, so I just sat there with the kids watching other people's. At Christmas, we went around and looked at other people's gifts. through the window of Labour's houses and that seemed to be all right Oh, number 17 got a lovely trio But yeah

Did you celebrate to Gareth? No, I don't like bonfire night either On Catholic grounds or glamour? No, I've just, no on the grounds I've seen fireworks before Yeah, that's a good point And I don't think they've done it You know, unless they really pull something out

the bag I've done that and yeah well I tell you what I really laugh at fireworks and I've never worked at fireworks and I've never worked at I laugh as soon as they start going off I start falling about laughing I've no idea what it is I really trying they're like rockets trying to get all the way to the moon and every one of them is failing maybe that's what it is maybe

I don't like to think that I laugh at the failures of others though by any means but there is something I don't know if it's a mix of excitement. I was at this part once where they had fireworks and I was grumbling about Catholic oppression and... Oh, I wish I'd been there for that evening. Yeah, that was good, yeah. Well, I was

just, I was in an individual, I wasn't on the PA system doing it as a running coventry. But there was one moment and it's an incredibly loud one. I mean, it was just like, it went, I mean, so loud you sort of felt it in your stomach. And it was followed by complete

silence and then about 400 children simultaneously crying. Oh, God. Yeah, they slightly misjudge that one. And you said that's like the Catholic children crying that is. That's the sound of crying Catholic. That is what I said. We've had a text in on 81215.

It's from Anna who says, Frank, I cry when I watch professional ice skating on TV. Anna. I like it. She's obviously referring to the fact that I laugh at fireworks. Yeah, I hope so. Yeah, I hope she's not, oh God, now I've got a terrible image of Anna on 8. able to walk or something watching. I'm sure Anna was just joining in with the spirit of the game.

Yeah, I hear that laughing at fireworks thing, I was at a thing. It was celebrating, I think, 50 years of ITV. And Brian Ferry was there. And I hadn't met Brian Ferry before, but I was talking to him in a kind of, because I used to be a massive Roxy fan, right? And I was just talking to that,

trying to get around to talking about Roxy Music and trying to impress him. And then fireworks started. And, of course, I fell about, I was absolutely crying with laughter. My Ferry's looking at me like I'm a lunatic. And that was the end of that. What else was we talking about? Oh, I had something humiliating happened to me this week.

Well, I'm happy to hear that. Oh, I bet you are. I showed my age, Frank. Oh, thank. I wonder what you're going to say. You showed your age, right? I know we don't talk about my age. So let's not mention the actual age.

No, let's not go there. Because I was talking in the office and I was with a younger guy and I said something I referred to the channel changer and he burst out laughing and he said Oh my God, I haven't heard that since about 1983 You call it a remote, grandma. I must have never heard, don't you?

When you mentioned the chat, I thought it was someone you were employed. Like my tea trainer? It's that thing of using phrases that are a bit out of day. I have a habit of, and I only realise this recently someone picked me up. I say picture house. for cinema and that is really quite an old phrase

I mean it doesn't make any sense That's where you see Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers film surely And I also say on the night time On the night time It's all right in there on the night time But I was in there in London Someone said to me then what kind of a phrase is that I know someone who really got put off a woman

Because he was on a date with her and she went I'm just going to go and spend a penny Yes I wouldn't I wouldn't be keen with that No I mean you're going to a whole different world then See I don't like the word lavatory I had a mate He used to come around for Sunday lunch sometimes

When I live with my mum and dad I was at school together And he used to say Oh, after that lunch It's just going to go and sit up the closet And I didn't like that None of us liked him And I see all he used to do as well

God bless him He used to take one of the Sunday papers with him one of our Sunday papers when it came in that Sunday paper it was like a radioactive isotope had been brought into the room none of us would go near that Sunday paper

after it sat there we had to sort of move it about with our elbows I sometimes say wicked and that's very early 90s you see I thought that was still in oh I'm terribly sorry everyone I've not only let you then I've let all the listeners down as well You say mega as well?

No. Okay. I think I'd probably say mega. Mega. Yeah, but it's not up there with picture, house. No, picture out. If anyone out there has any, you know, you guess what I'm going to say next,

why I'll go through the whole tedious process of saying, text them in on 8, 12, 15. Oh, no, I have done it. We have had a texting which I like. Sorry, Garret. It was, morning, Frank, I didn't know about Bondfire Night. I'm a Catholic too, fortune every year on these fireworks. Never again. God bless the Pope.

I love it. Fair about that, though. Is someone treated to spending money on celebrating their own oppression? Isn't that a bit like voting on X Factor? Speaking of clothing, I read this week in the paper, that the average man, the average UK man, right, he he only buys his own pants for 17 years of his life before that his mum buys them and after that his partner buys them that's horrible

so there's a small pocket obviously not in the pants though I have sin pants with a small pocket for a condo I don't know if you remember they didn't catch on and also I used to use them for parking me to change but there's a small pocket in your life when you buy your own pants and after you don't care

Now, this is, I have to say, and this is not, I'm not exaggerating for comic purpose. I have pants, which I've had since the early 90s. You're joking. They've been, they're regularly washed. They must look like the Turing Shrout. That's disgusting. Well, no, I haven't left some eternal imprint on them, which is constantly questioned and carbon dated by scientists.

No, they just seem to last for ages. Really? I don't throw clothes away. Most of my clothes are from the 90s. If you had an independent adjudicator for your pants, do you think that they would say... Hold on, you're assuming I don't. Would they look at those pants and think,

wow, these look brand new. These don't look a day old. I can't believe they're nearly 20 years old. No, they'd probably think, well, retro pants. That's interesting. I haven't seen any bionic man logo. pants for many a year they'd probably be saying what pants do you wear though if it's not too personal a question i wear a it is actually a very personal question well i have i have two

ranks of um of um no that no i have that no i have uh don't even don't even i have um i have two um i'm going to call it two no i'm going to go back i'm gonna go back yeah two t i have two tears um yeah two tears i always climb i always climb that patch is tears and I'm terribly sorry for anyone listening I should have stuck with ranks no no I think we did well to move on I have the nice pants my Calvin Clines and then I have... Oh that's nice I like Calvin

Yeah and then I have Calvin Classics Calvin Classics are deliberately made to sound as if they're by Calvin Klein but they're off the market Do you actually get them from the market? I get them from the kind of, if not the market-esque establishment cheap places. Where things might cost no more than 99p, perhaps. Well, put it in this way,

they're not the sort of panchid by individually. Oh, okay. They come in packs of five, you know. And the thing is, with Calvin Classics, what I find is that, have you got any, Gareth, Calvin Classics? I had Calvin Classics when I was younger, but... So did I? And I've still got them.

What happens is the elasticated waistband, which is obviously one is familiar with on Boxer Shorts, it tends to separate from the main garment. Oh, that's nice. Yes. That must be lovely for your girlfriend. Well, they're not on that long. You know what I'm saying?

So it means like, you know when you see a girl with a thong and you see the thing above the jeans? Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, with me, there are occasions when you can see my jeans and then the main body of my pants and then a gap of flesh and then the elasticated waistband. It's a gradation between the end of me and the beginning of my clothing.

It's gradually done. so complex down there? Well, Calvin Klein had a brilliant idea. In his offices, in his top, his headquarters, in the kitchen there, there used to be a chart on the wall with all these different grades of brown on it. You know, like you get a paint chart. So from very, very light brown to quite dark brown.

Well, this is the designer, Calvin Klein. Yes. How do you know this? Because, you know, I know people who know people. So, anyway, So apparently each of these browns was numbered, right? And he'd say to one of his runners, you know, the people, he said, oh, I'd love a cup of tea.

I think number eight. And then they used to have to match the copper tea exactly to that shade of brown. Isn't that a good idea? Oh, I love that. Yeah. Mine would be, if I ordered tea, I'd want russet to sunset. Yeah, well, I think numbers is... Oh, the paint colour?

You know, it's less affected, shall we should be? Yeah. I'm so pleased with where that story went then because I thought it was going to be some terrible skidluck related story. Yeah, well, I don't tell that kind of... I could see tension in your eyes. I'm thinking, what she looks anxious about? All it is, it's a story about a man famous for underpants and some grading system on shades of brown.

Why could he possibly be edgy? I was quite scared. I was quite scared. I nearly had an 82. Yes. Was that with sugar or without? One long for two Oh no

I'm sorry Can we rewind We can't read what It's live I should have been told Why wasn't I told Yeah so Talking of pants

Oh we're still talking A pants Yes we are We've had a text in on 812 15 Oh that yes that is the text number Thank you for reminding me 812 15 Someone who remains nameless

Hold on I'm going to say it again So it's imprinted in the mind But I'm going to say it in a slightly odd way So it sticks I'm 12 I think they'll remember that forever so what's the text say the producer's absolutely lost it

she's just standing by the window that's because I've broken all the sound systems I know of the thing okay so this nameless text says Frank my ex it's the text with no name I'll set it up like

okay I like the bit when it goes ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, I love that. Frank, my ex, 40-year-old. Oh, that already sounds like there's trouble. Used to share his pants with his flatmates. They had a communal pant draw. Oh, dear.

They didn't buy any pants from the start, so I have no idea where they came from. That would have been a deal breaker for me. I like the fact that they didn't know where they came from, the way they emanate, the way sometimes clothes appear in your house. Maybe they were in the flat when they moved in. What do you know? There's a pale blue Paschmina in my wardrobe. I have not the slightest idea where it came from. Is that like a scarf or a...

Yes, it's like a rather big and elaborate scarf. But I have no idea. I don't know the sort of people that wear a Paschmenas, you know. Do you wear a Paschmena? I've been known once or twice or two. I'd see it like a slightly, like a middle-aged piano teacher would be wearing a cashmere. We've taken all by radio shows and done a bit of editing and tidling. It's a walk-down memory layer and I know because people find new things quite frightening. Frank's the time of your days, the yeas away in a maze.

We have had a text in actually, Frank, saying, great show, glad I did not run you over as you walked out in front of me. on Thursday morning down Sharsbury Avenue. What the hell? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I'd been to a science breakfast. What? You know when you get to a science breakfast? No, Gareth and I don't live that lifestyle.

Well, I had an invite from the London Times, which I write a column for every Friday, and they said we're doing a science breakfast at the Royal Institute in Alba Mall Street. Did you wake up and it was 1885? Yes. So I got a handsome cab. And what it was, we sat and had, you know, bacon sandwiches and tea and stuff.

And meanwhile, there was a lectern in one corner, and the astronomer royal, Lord Rees, gave a lecture on science. That was the breakfast, which I, you know, I liked it. It was extremely entertaining. He's brilliant, Lord Rees. You'll get a chance. I know you're like his groupie. You're always going on about him.

Actually, they sent me a photo, and it's like, in lecture. And I'm sitting, I'm right next to the lecture. Too close. You know when you're too close to the stage? And I'm looking up like, you know, like a loyal animal. Acolyte. Yeah, that's a, yes. An acolyte, that's what I'm looking at. But anyway, so that's why I was crossing Shaftesbury Avenue. I was probably coming back, actually. I was coming back from my...

You're getting quite obsessed by science. You came in this morning. I've got some great science gossip. Like it was 3am or something. Yes, I can't tell the science gossip on here. I think it's okay. I've always thought there isn't enough science gossip on absolute radio. But he was very interesting See last night My girlfriend's away

For the week Okay I don't into any women listening to think That's some sort of a come on It isn't I'm just saying So I'm You know that mix

When your partner goes away There's a strange mix feeling Of oh what am we going to do I'll miss them And also hey I can watch all those programs That she's too stupid to enjoy And that was a joke

And she'll know that The text is probably already on its way. How dare you? I'm not coming back. Anyway, so that's not. I taped four programs called The Story of Maths, which I'd never got round to watch him. I know nothing about maths. And I thought, this is it.

I'm going to start, you know, because as you get older, your brain starts to turn into jam, basically. And I thought it's good to have another challenge, and that gets all different parts of your brain working. So I'll watch this program. And then it actually got to a bit of maths, and it was just like at school, as soon as they didn't. Even the simplest vats, I felt like a dull pain in the bridge of my nose.

And then it had gone, then he'd talking about something else. I just couldn't get it at all. But I'll tell you a science joke. It's worse. It's more of a, it's part, it's sort of an opera joke. Oh, even better. Opera jokes on absolute radio. Yes, he said the one thing about...

Did you tell the opera joke at your science breakfast? No, no, this is something that Lord Reese. told. Name dropping. Lord Reis. By the astronomer royal. I love this. This would be the first time

has ever been an opera joke, I think. It's quite a hardcore as well. If you don't know anything about it, just trust me, it's sort of funny. Apparently, if you're a scientist, it's not, your big worries,

if you don't make your discovery quick, someone else will get there instead. And he said, artists don't have that worry so much. You said, for example, when Wagner took off 10 years from writing the ring cycle, he wasn't worried that someone was going to scoop him on Gauta Darmorong. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Now, listen, I was, I went to see a comedy show a few weeks ago. It was a Monday night, and it was on a boat on the Thames, a moored boat called the Tattershaw Castle, right? And there was this comedian came on, right, called Mickey Flanagan, right? And he came on, and he did, like, 20 minutes. I honestly thought it was one of the best comics I'd seen for years, completely blew me away. We should get him on the show. Yeah, well, that's what I said. So I guess it was with us in the studio. Cheers, Frank.

Yeah, it's Mickey Flanagan. So are you always that brilliant? There are a few to answer that, honestly. There have been that great. As you know, as a stand-up, you have days when it just takes off. Yeah. And other days and you think, oh, this is all imploding a little bit. Hopefully, mostly like the time you saw me.

Yeah, well, it was really, really fabulous. And I thought, why isn't this bloke playing the O2 instead of this boat? So why aren't you? Are you one of these guys who decided I don't want fame and glory and loads of money? I'd like to keep it real. I've certainly taken my time looking for any sort of success, that's for sure.

I think I came into it quite late with quite a philosophical attitude towards it and got to the point where I was making a living. And like most working class fellas thought, oh, that will do. You know, sort of a few quid on the side, ball. Ain't got to go work till Thursday. And I sort of left it like that. For about five years.

You've taken the few quid on the sideboard approach to come. You know, when you get up on a Monday morning, then there's a lot of money on the table, and you think, oh, that would do. And ambition seems, this seems you've seen like you've got there already. Yeah. You don't have to go to work anymore. And then people start saying, so what are you going to do next?

And you think, oh, well, we've got to push on now. And that's basically a couple of years ago, I sort of thought I probably should push on, partly just to keep it interesting and to keep doing new things, really. But I still essentially just loved being a stand-up. Yeah. Well, it's the best job in the world.

That's fantastic. So why mess about with it? No, I agree with that. I'm saying this is someone who completely took the king's shilling, of course, sold that. Did any money-making project I could get my hands on. Not for money, can I say, just for glory. Yeah. Well, honestly, I only say this because I think you should be shared with the British public more.

Yeah, well, that is the idea. We are pushing on now. I mean, I am very interested. in, you know, but... I don't know. When you sort of come from a fair... I've got to keep waffled on about the working class background. All those things seem like...

Well, can I stop you there? Because I have a Mickey Flanagan fact sheet. Ah. And the first point, get this, Mickey Flanagan, he's 45 and was born at the London Hospital and Whitechapel and brought up on a council estate in Bethnal Green. Well, you've gone to the working class ceiling.

Does it mention that my dad was in prison a little bit? It doesn't mention it right now. That's marvellous. It's great. I've said it to him when I was five. I said, Dad, you're going to have to go to prison for a little while because they're not going to believe I'm working class enough. So he just went outside robbing people.

It's all he could do for me at the time. So was he in prison or was you asking you added that for colour? No, he was. He went to prison a couple times, not spectacularly, you know, just a year even there. How does one go to prison spectacular? It's like Mary Antoinette. What I'm sad is that I think there are a lot of men who get at sort of 18 months for a year.

He never got like 15s or 20s, you know, those big ones. Those big glamour stretches. You miss your whole child. So he was gone for a little while. I love father's prison sentence boasting. My dad, can I say if I went to prison, you've won this. If we are playing top trumps working class people, you've completely won me on the prison sentence.

I do have to bring it in sometimes on conversation. when people telling me the working class. But Frank had an outside toilet, which he never ties of telling us. Did you have that as well? No, his dad's stolen. Yeah, my dad used to keep his guns in there, so we weren't allowed in the toilet.

No, we had, because we got a council flat when I was about two on a quite a nice council estate, which they did used to exist and they still do, by the way. And so, yeah, we had a toilet. We had a toilet. We had a toilet. It was just outside. It just seems right to have the toilet outside anyway, sort of, doesn't it? You get the paper and you leave the building.

I agree with that. I may have mentioned this before, but when the council came around our house and said we're going to modernise your council house and we're going to put you a toilet indoors, my dad said, toilet indoors, isn't that a bit on hygienic? It does seem odd, doesn't it? Yeah, it's, what, we're going to do that? That act, indoors. that expression. You should have it outside of your penthouse now. That'd be good.

Yeah. And you know when your dad used to come out at the toilet? Have you mentioned my penthouse to show me off in front of Mickey Bladigan? I might have. Sorry, Mickey, carry on. The toilet thing is, you know, when it, you knew when your dad came out of the toilet, he'd been to the toilet, didn't you? There was no vagaries about it. It would drift downstairs and seep into the other parts of the house, and you'd think, oh, good God. No, no, we don't. I'm all for the outdoor one.

I did children in need last night. Did you see me? No. No, but my niece Mimi said, Frank's on Pudsey, she said. Yeah, I don't know why I did that. It was just something cuddly-looking about it. And next thing I knew, it was, well.

Anyway, how was it? And there was a part when I raised the spotted neckerchief. And it was just like an eye socket, but it looked like someone had left jamming it. Oh, man. Yeah, that was pretty horrible. I could see the brain pulsating within his, the bare brain inside his head. But I just recall, I just put it back and nobody seemed to know.

No, I did. It was, I mean, it was one of those nights when I arrived at the BBC, and I arrived at the BBC, it's just become a karate Corvette anecdote. The producer said to me, now everybody, I mean, it was people in curly orange wigs and big t-shirts and shaking buckets, you know, it was that. kind of. I introduced to one of the senior people of

children in need. And I said, you know, what I love about children in need, it's fabulously low red. Oh, yeah. She looked quite she said, oh, that's not what we're after at all. And I said, no, I like that. Because when you're at the Comet Relief, when you're in Green Room, at the Comet Relief

things, there's a lot of people saying, oh, hi, yeah, I was in the footlights, and then we start, it's very, you know, it's a very middle-class thing, but there's none of that. At the very end of peer. It is like a pub. It's like one of those nights

when you push the pennies over in a pub, but like for five hours. But I like that. I like it. It's profound working classness. And did you raise loads of money personally for your thing? Well, that was a bit, that was a bit of a difficult.

Why? We had to come up. I did this around the world in 80 days thing. We did like six episodes, 12. And you did it with Lee Mac, didn't you? I did it with Lee Matt. And I was pretty like John Barronman and all sorts of people did it.

Anyway, so we, We had to go on. I'll tell you what there was a lot of on the night. One thing you see more of than you ever see in your life is big checks. They're really big checks for separate. I don't mean Robert Maxwell. I mean like big checks with, you know, with the... Like comedy lottery winners. Yeah, like, yeah.

I don't know why they do the big check thing. But anyway, so we had to go on with a big check laminated. And then say what, you know, our six-part series at May. So we raised 145,000 pounds, right? Okay, is that a lot? Well, put it this way, Greg's, the bakers, raised 600,000.

We were a six-part BBC one prime-time TV series, which let's face it probably cost about $3 million to make. So I felt a little bit. Were you embarrassed? Well, I was suggesting, you know, that we had a bit of a whip round before we went on and try and knock it up a bit. But I did feel a bit embarrassed.

Did you get, like, cricket applause like that? Exactly. It was a streaky single to third man. No, I did, I mean, no one mentioned it. I was going to, I mean, 145,000. Oh, it's still a lot of money. Or as they say at the BBC, almost a week's wages. Yeah, it was, I did feel a bit embarrassed about it.

I've got to be honest with it. But it was a lovely evening in many ways. None of you watched it. What did they write? They raised 20 million, I think, this year. I saw, yeah, no, I saw the newsreaders dancing, doing some dance. I can't remember. Yeah, well, this year or...

Just in general. Yeah, they had, I think the people from the one show dance to fame. I realised, of course, the one show is just a sort of, you know those bite-sized chocolate, you get? The one show is a bite-size of children in need, basically. Because children-in-needs feels like a very, very long item on local... news. But it was a lovely night. The cake, I have to say, was great. The cake was nice. That's all you can say. The trouble is with children in need cake. You know, every mouthful is robbing an under-privileged child of a small amount of money. But I have to say, that didn't

really impair my enjoyment. My cleaner said, I can't, she usually does Wednesdays, right? She says, I can't do Wednesday this week, so I'm going to a film premiere. No. Wow, made it cleaner's going to film premiere. Yes. That is awesome. I love that. Which film premiere?

Not that it matters, but it does to me. I didn't ask which film premiere. I imagine there's something up. I think it's called The Road to Domestas. It's a big cleaning documentary that she's doing. No, she works for other celebrities. Did she? Oh, God, yes.

Which ones? You're allowed to say? I don't know. Oh, okay. I don't know why I'm not allowed to. say um but um i i understand yeah there's some sort of cleaners oath like the hippocratic if i drop clues oh oh oh that sounded nothing like david williams anyway so um oh now you see but anyway and he also he takes some cleaning up after i imagine he's messy no i think he'd be very tidy frank could be

worse i reckon no my girlfriend is more untidy than i am is she yeah she has turned my flat into basically a teenage bedroom. Yeah, honestly, I find brass next to the toaster. Why would... Oh, I keep my bras next to the toaster, for God's say. Oh, lovely on a winter's morning, that's what it matter? Just give them 30 seconds.

Oh, imagine that. Marvelous. France goes to radio days. Saturday morning. And I'm here. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily. And Gareth

The only one who could ever reach me But it's kind of a preacher man He was to say He was a sort of a Oh well anyway You know when I came in this morning My driver said to me It's really mild

Sorry who said that to you My driver Just checking He said to me Yeah he couldn't DeMeester because he had to go to a film premiere He um He said to me

It's really mild You know He said if it carries on like this He said we'll all be having barbecue. It was at Christmas outside. He said he said it would be like Bombay Beach.

I said no, I said If you're ever on Bombay Beach, don't join in the barbecue. That'll be a funeral. You want Bondi Beach. So, I would say if you're listening, but he goes to sleep after he drops me off. He does.

He goes to sleep? Yeah, well, he works from 7 till 7 on Friday night, so then he drops me off and then he goes back and goes to bed. Okay, well, I'm glad we're all clear about the hours your driver works. Yeah, he's not my driver. He's not my driver. Why would my driver work till the night?

What would he drive? If I kept waking with the night and say I didn't eat a drink of water, he has to drive to the reservoir. Why, don't be ridiculous. When we had our very first meeting about doing this show, we talked about ideas for a phoning, and I've still got it written in my book. I've written, most evil person you ever buried in a field.

for the phone in. I bet that was Gareth's idea. Why is life a grotesque pantomine? I think, shall we have that? That's a great idea. I love it. Now, I tell what I did think about it. Because we did a journal, when we did that children in need thing,

we filled in a journal, and it's currently standing at 28 grand people are bidding for that journal. Wow. And it's just like, you know, things that me and Bill Turnbull have written while we was on our holidays. Oh, I can't wait to get my hands on that.

Well, exactly. I personally wouldn't accept it as a gift. But I think it's great, it's great, you know, for charity that people are bidding for it. But I was wondering, what about what celebrity memorabilia people have got? Because people keep all sorts of things. You see, I've got a hair from Elvis's horse. Stop it. I think he did have to stop it unless it was caught in a fence.

Can I repeat that horse? And, yeah, so I've got this. What color is the hair? Actually, I've got, what color is the hair? Yeah. Look, I would say, I'd guess it was a Palomino. Oh. Yeah.

And is that your normal Palomino? Response, oh, palomino. So, yeah, so phoning about any, any celebrity memorabilia you've got. I've got some. What you got? I've got a cricket bat signed by Stuart Broad. Oh, you know the hot cricketer. Yeah, I know Stuart Broad.

How dare you suggest I know Stuart Broadies? What do you do with that cricket bat? Is it on display in your house? No, it's just in my house. If an intruder comes in, then I wield it. Because I think, firstly, he won't know whether to be in the first. Do you like you have a cricket? Fancy being beaten to death with an autographed cricket bat from Stuart Broad.

The imprint might have gone to their face and go, oh, who killed this man? Well, Stuart Broad has written his name on their face backwards. But you abroad has not only beaten him to death, he signed. He signed this evil work. Well, yeah, that's true. He'd be in trouble. Do you know I got a review, a bad review in the tab lights as well? It was either the sun or the mirror.

Once you're inside them, they become indistinguishable. I got a bad review for a gig I did in 2002. I mean, is that fair? What did they say? It said, it was on about doing the Brits. I know you'll remember. Yeah, well, it's about the Brits. I did the Brits.

and it's on about how comedians did at the Brits because Peter Kay is going to do it apparently next year and it said, yeah, it just said Frank Skinner was dreadful in 2002. I mean... That's a bit harsh, I wouldn't say dreadful. Well, what would you say? Don't even contemplate an adjective. Even so, it was seven years ago, let me off the hook.

Turn a page. Yeah, exactly. It should be like, you know, prisoners, when they come out, you're supposed to... You know, I've served my time. Anyway Well you've had some good reviews We've had some good reviews text

And interesting good reviews Listen to this right This is from Jim and Dunfries He says hello Frank I've just read Frankie Boyle's book And in it he says You said something to him That made him laugh for a week and a half

But he didn't elaborate Can you? Yeah but you remember Comedians laughing I mean What I just said about getting a bad review Saying I was dreadful At hosting the Brits

That will probably make Frankie Boyle laugh for a week and a half, you know. So it might not have been a joke. It might have been, something bad happening. I feel really how I think I'm having a heart attack. I have no idea what that was.

I wish I, if it's funny, I'd love to remember it because I might want to say it again. Like, like maybe now. Also, Olly Willis has sent this text. Ollie, Olly Willis. Okay. Bit of a rare question, I know. But Frank told a joke at Edinburgh

and his cabaret thingy when I was there, and I want to know what it was. Oh. Probably the best skinner joke I've ever heard. It was so good he just stood at the front of the stage, drinking in the applause. It was the same night as the Axis of Awesome and Andrew Maxwell. A great night.

Cheers, Frank. So you seem to say really funny things that people can't remember what they are. Well, I'm actually saying them through Sam, my spirit guide. They're not my jokes at all, which is why I don't know. They come from the other side. I don't know what that was either.

I love that image of you standing at the front of the stage with your arms outstretched, drinking in the applause. I have done that before. If you get a really, really big thing, I stand at mine being in a shower, as if it's the warmth of the... People listening to this for the first time I think that they can't imagine me

getting such a response, but it has happened twice, apparently. I have documentary evidence for that. We've taken all my radio shows and done a bit of editing and tidying. It's a locked-down memory lane I know because people find news. things quite frightening