The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Pedestrian Racing

Episode Date: November 5, 2025

We’re in 2010 for the best bits. This time there’s chat about Ringo Starr, an auction of cuddly toys and Frank’s Comic Relief crisp flavour. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank Skinner's Radio Days It could go one of two ways Hello and welcome to another episode of Frank Skinner's Radio Days We're still in 2010 for our best bits. Enjoy. Welcome to Not the Weekend podcast, nearly forgot what it was called But no, we're off, we're off, we're introduced. This is Frank Skinner, I'm with Emily and with Gareth. Hi, Frank.

Bonjour. Bonjour. Just a minute. He started early, the boy. Oh, it's the little things in live, isn't it, eh? I used to love that program, and I said to my dad, Elolo's brilliant, and he would go, no, it's not. He didn't like it.

I think that'll probably do, and it off this way. I'd be happy with that as a little download on my way to work. He didn't like it, the end. What one more can they want? Yeah, exactly. Well, they won't blob these people. Okay, so I'll tell you a strange story this week. A club burnt down in Liverpool.

It was the club where Ringo made his Beatles debut. Oh. Because, you know, Pete Best was the drummer. The famous footballer? Yeah. He was the first one. Ignore him. He was the first one, wasn't he?

I don't know if he was the first. There might have been a footballer. No, but like Neil Francis was first before us. It's in the Beatles. In that slot, yeah. Yeah, Neil Francis is in the Beatles. He only quick, because I think he was snowed in. When they went to Shea Stadium.

Anyway, yeah, so this was where Ringgo met his first appearance, and it burnt down this week. And I thought that's a bit odd. I think of it for why, because you may know from the news, that they're knocking down, or they're planning to knock down, Liverpool Council. his birthplace, Ringo's birthplace. Are they? And also, you might not know this,

but there's topiary in, you know topure. Hedges. Yes, when hedges are cut into shapes. And there's a fabulous... Every hedge is cut in a shape. Well, I mean, a distinctive shape representing another object. And they've got the foreheads of the... Not the foreheads.

The four heads. Just the fringes. Yes, but they've got the four beetles, just the heads. Oh, I know, you mean like in America, like the sort of Rocky Mountain. Like in America? You know, with the presidents? Rocky, Mount Rushmore. Yeah, Mount Rushmore, that's there.

No, but it's privy. I know, no, anyone can go to Mount Rushmore. Oh, sorry. I thought it was, so. Sure, that's enough. Is that enough now? Well, let's carry on. I'd be happy.

Shall we finish? No, no. It's good. I love it's privy. Come on then. So... Sorry, I'm basking in that. Meanwhile, over... Yeah, so anyway, somebody caught their head off the Ringo. Oh, God. I hate it when that happens. Yeah, I mean, deliberately.

Apparently, he said something that Liverpool didn't mean anything to him anymore, and they've grown irate, the scouses, and cut that. I'm starting to wonder if this isn't a sort of Soviet Union style arising from history, of Ringo Star. Oh, yeah. The clubby makes the debut, the birthplace, the privet head. Wow. I...

He sounded like Lloyd Grossman. Yeah, exactly. Who would raise a scalp like... It's gone. It started well, it's gone. It's gone. Yeah, well, they've got angry with him. It was ever since that, I'm warning you with peace and love, peace and love, peace and love.

No autographs after the 20th of October. There will... I've got so much to do. not enough time I'm warning you what has he got to do what has he got to do apart from Angerang around

with that bloat with the stupid rainbow beard that's all he does and turns up at a gig that's often like an Eric Clapton gig and sings every time I see your fail that's it

that's his life Thomas a Tank Engine does he still do that he doesn't do that since 1983 all trains are cancelled no more Tom's a I'm Mr. Tankett. I'm in you.

Peace and love. I always, I don't know if I ever told you this story, but I interviewed Ringo Starr. I had a chat show in the old days. Oh, I love that, chat show. I've had my moments. And I interviewed Ringo, and afterwards, one of the guys who worked for me,

who never, they never ever asked a guest for a photo or autograph, but I mean, it's a beetle. And he said. I mean, it's Ringo, but it's still a beetle. Yeah. Exactly. And he said, you know, I mean, there's only two left. You're going to grab them while you can. And he said, oh, Ringo, I just, I wonder if I could just have a quick, I'm a research from the show, I can just have a quick photo, I can't. And Ringo held his right hand in the air and went, no, you're all right. And left. Suggesting, no, don't go to any bother. You don't have to have a photo with me. I don't like you. That's very in the, I'm warning. you vain, isn't it? That was the beginning, I think.

Well, I think it was. No, you're all right. And also, his first album has got like a sort of robot on the cover, and it's holding its hand in that same position. The thing has formed over the years. He's grown like a canker. That's what he's done. Having said that, I always thought he should have had more lead vocals. Yeah.

All you could do is act naturally. I thought that song was great. Yeah, but I mean, what if he'd done some of the bigies? The long and winding road That leads to your door I think it would have been... Help, I need somebody It would have been more convincing

Yeah Because obviously he did need somebody You should just record them all again Himself all by himself Well he probably has him and the rainbow beard Or no rainbow beard Will insist on being involved Which one shall we do now

Rainbow Beard Well now I've always been a quite a bit fan of in my life you've got it there are places I remember that'll do it

Rainbow Beard I don't think he calls him that I've met Rainbow Beard as well He came with him for the Rainbow Beard the Pirates The Gay Pirates Well he could be He could be Greenpeace pirate

Who is he that bloat Rainbow Beard He introduced Ringo said this is my musical director I thought, what? Of all the people to have a musical director? He's arrived 30 years too late. What do you think, musical director?

Don't do any. Don't do any anymore. That's not the voice for Rainbow, no. No. I've established the voice. You can't just switch... Don't change your horses midstream. You can't switch character like that. Oh, no.

What about when he did that? Remember when Norwich Union became a Viva? Oh, yeah. And Ringo would say, if I'd still been called Richard Starkey, would I still have been famous? You thought, look, the nation is still reeling from the fact that you were famous anyway. Yeah. Don't add what is. And the nation was at that point still reeling from the warning on the 20th of October about the autograph.

With peace and love. Dick Starkey is a brilliant name, Dick Starkey. drummer, Dick Starkey. Yeah, you're right? I think, down to that voice. Sorry. Not the voice. I don't like that.

What's the crappling? That's Gareth doing... Oh my God, that was awful. Can you believe anyone? That's what happens where people get small children. That's how they communicate. I can't bear that.

I was trying to make Emily smile. Anyway, I predict in 100 years' time no one will even know that Ringo existed. He will have been erased. Oh, we're making predictions. Oh, goody. What do you predict what are happening in a hundred years time? I predicted in 100 years,

and cow will rule the world in a hundred years time. In a hundred years. In a hundred years. He'll live hundreds of years and there'll be a great reign of terror. Why does it keep talking? He's become Cheryl Cole's official spokesman. He's always saying Cheryl, you know, she's really struggling from this marriage. Yeah.

Because we should say today, we accidentally had last week's papers to look at. Yeah. I thought physically sick as well. Because I've got a phobia as well as Lou Reed. I've got a phobia about old newspapers. Yeah, but those fishing chips were lovely. So I had, it's a bit of a big week for me. Go on.

I did a crisp advert. Oh, Frank. That's exciting. No, I don't normally do adverts because I think they're squalid. Don't say that. Your manager's here. He's going mental. No, but, you know, he knows, I feel, so.

But this is for a comic relief, I think. You know, you can get away with anything. That's fine. Yeah, so I'm going to have my own crisp flavour. Oh, yeah. And there's going to be four comedians. We all have, it's probably all top secret, but who cares? Who listens anyway to this?

Not comic relief, probably. They're probably still sleeping one off this time of the morning. Yeah, they like a late night that last. People are listening. They say Bristol City, Frank. Oh, thank you very much. Who said that? People.

How dare you? 425. No name. Garret, you can't just read out there. phone numbers. It's like the prisoner, isn't it? When Gareth gets one, 425 has sent to the message. Oh, dear. I am not a number. Oh, I love a number. Oh, I love him. Can we do that again, Patrick? Because I thought it was fine. No, you wouldn't have been high at the end. No, I was, I was quite happy. Can you do it again? Oh, all right. I am not a

a number. Patrick, we got that now. Let's just get an alternative. And then we got this. choice. Well, how long are we going to be? So, um, tell us about the crisps. Little, little clip there from the making of the prisoner. I enjoyed that. Available now. DVD extras. Yeah. DVD extras. How marvell. Yeah, so I'm, um, they've all got names. So there's Jimmy Concawny. Oh, that's quite good. Concardney. Yeah. Jimmy Carr. Stephen Fryup. Quite easy to work. Oh, I won't be eating those though. No. I won't be eating the Stephen

fry up. Why not? head too big is that what puts you on yeah there'll be lots of waffle in that one i think oh anyway so and then there's the steak and owl pie oh that's good almorey yeah i thought he might have a fruit-based crisp for the lady who won't have to i wanted a sweet crisp you know raspberry ripple or something like that but no they wouldn't have that and mine is um roast skinner What's that? It's like roast dinner.

So it's like gravy and chicken. That sounds like roast skin, though. It's a bit weird. Yeah, roast skin. It's based on. It's a Nicoloda themed crisp. Yeah, so that's... And we have to have a battle now.

And it's who sells the most crisp. What's the most popular flavour? And the winner is the winner. And he gets, I think, to go to Africa and receives the Golden Fly Award. And the rest of us, have to do a forfeit. Do you really?

Yeah, but we don't know what that is yet, but it's supposed to be something... Jimmy Carr has to wear man-made fibres. Jimmy Carr has to put a stone on in two months. I look forward to that. Yeah. So, and my... So I turned up the photo shoot this week

because I'm going to have my photograph on a crisp packing. Oh, I'm excited about that. I'll tell you what's interested about this. It won't be the first time. What? No, I've already been on a crissue. Chris back in. When were you on a Chris back here? I think it was 1998. That was a good year for you. Yeah, I was in

the Garrick Club sitting on a leather chesterfield. This guy came over to me. He said, my name's Jefferson. I'm in the Chris business. I say, oh, you don't say, how's it going? He said, it's going great. He said, we're looking for a face for our new campaign. I said, well, you're at the right place. And, no, I did the McCoys. You know, McCoys? Oh, did you? Oh, okay. I was on the cover of that with David Bede.

The cover? Yeah. They brought out a new kosher range Of crisps And we were doing that But there was a bit of an embarrassing situation At the photo shoot Oh yeah So we're all there together, celebs together

Well no Al Murray was there when I arrived He was running out for about 45 minutes As is his want And Steve and Frye had already been And I think Jimmy Carr can only do Saturdays Apparently He's probably writing an elaborate script

So it can be slightly funny And I know what he's like Oh, Ovica. Stop here. That's Derek Nimmo. I was getting a mixed-up. So, yeah, so do you remember when I told that story that when we did the photo shoot, me, Dave Gorman, and the O.C. did that photo shoot. Oh, yeah.

When we had to look like we just got up first thing in the morning. And the O.C. looked smooth as a baby's bottom. Yes, he did. Well, yeah, he looks great. Handsome chap. Me and Dave Gorman looked dreadful. Anyway, the photographer, do you remember the photographer I told you kept calling Christian O'Connell, Chris? Oh, yeah.

And after a bit, Christian O'O. O'Connell came up to me and said, I can't, no one ever calls me, and it's absolutely outrage. Well, it was the same photographer for this. And he said, oh, I heard that thing he said on the radio. He did. He did, yeah. So I can't remember whether I'd said,

he's probably listening to this now. Oh, I hate it when we get caught out. Yeah, I never think for a second anyone's actually listening. I don't even regard it as listening or regard it as eavesdropping. We've got so few listeners. That's the way I see it. But actually, we've got quite a lot. lot now do you know i'll stop doing these jokes one of these days i just like i like to i like to be humble

don't you garrett yes good i'll leave you two to it with all humility so that all that all went and then also the lady uh male the lady from walkers turned up who and she they should get roy walker he'd be good save on printing costs yeah yeah that's true actually but what would his flavour be he just is walkers he's the main one roy royal royal Roy Catchphrase Maybe I'm going to do with catchphrase Cat food

Cat food Cat food yeah It's good but it's not right Yeah Yeah it's good but yeah So what about the lady now? Or you could have like bananas Green banana crisp

It's good but it's not ripe Oh that could be the slogan Yeah Okay if you think it through these things They all fall into place Tell me about Mel That's the morning Oh, I haven't touched that for a long time.

Yes, O'Mell from the crisp people came in, and I could see her face suddenly turned to thunder, and they'd got kettle crisps on the hospitality. I mean, what a foe par! What a foe par! Speaking of pavement, I went in only yesterday. Speaking of pavement.

Yeah, we were speaking of pavements, were we not? I feel many of our audience there is have pricked up at them. Oh, pavements. That's my, that's me. Dust out the old pavement. Turn that up. Janice, turn that up because of pavements thing. So, um, sidewalk if you're from America or maybe Canada. So I'm walking down the street.

I was walking out of street. And, um, There was a bloke that started to overtake me. Now, I'm quite a quick walk at. In fact, I'd say I was a very... On foot, we should say he overtook you. Yeah, yeah. So I'm... Thanks.

I was... I was walking along, and this bloke started to walk faster me and overtook me, and no one... It's very rare anyone overtakes me when I'm... I was going to say, you've got little pistons there. I am a fast walk. If someone starts to pass me and I realize they're speedwalking, you know, these people are...

You see some women who've got their office clothes, They've got trainers on. They thought, I'll walk home. I let them. Because I think, people, that's a sport. You know, I don't want to show anyone up. You should also avoid the London marathon. Don't go out at that time.

No, but running, I allow runners past me. That's fine. But anyway, this bloke, he started to, he obviously thought, you know, grey hair, I'll be past this character in a trice. I weren't having it. So as he went past, the thing was, I went. faster but I didn't go I didn't I didn't go ahead of him I kept at exactly the same level oh I love it so it must have been I'd say a hundred yards we walked shoulder to shoulder and I can see

he was he was looking across at me a little on easily and I thought no you got to learn you people oh it's like some pedestrian version of duel that fell yeah and then eventually I uh I I burnt him off I let him go for a while Burned him off. Poor man, he's some pedestrian. What is that? What does that mean? Well, that means he left him for days.

He overtook him, didn't he? I should say, for those of you don't know, that Gareth was in a cupboard until he was 26. And it takes a while to catch up. I mean, he's on the wiki all the time, but you can't, you know, Rome wasn't built in a day. So he told me it was built in four years, 713 days. But that's Wikipedia for you.

But I do it a lot. The, well, I call it pedestrian racing. It just makes a walk, I walk along, and it just makes it a bit more. Often I'll choose, in the distance, I might choose a pacemaker. I think I've got to get up with them. Oh, God. Yeah, just to keep, you know. Oh, I think there's someone with a pacemaker.

Oh, no. No, they'd be easy meet. Somebody with a pacemaker would be easy. The other thing to do as well, but I did with this, I must play some music. I mean, that's why people tune in, apparently. I'll tell you what I did see. Christies They're

They're doing an auction Of cuddly toys Oh I love a cuddly toy Some of the prices on But I wish I'd kept mine, yeah Well they've got a harlequin bear Which is valued at £100,000

And they reckon it could break the record I like the way Gareth paused For us to go Oh no We didn't No we didn't I was thinking harlequin bear What's that?

Stuff feels like a Teddy, but... What is that? That's what I thought. Well, I wish I'd have kept now looking back, Big Ted, Little Ted, New Ted, Monkey and... New Ted, I like the sound of you. Yeah, there was New Ted, Big Ted, and Little Ted. Did you just call your toys, Big Ted, Little Ted?

Didn't you give them names for goodness to say? No. No. Not, no. Big Ted, Little Ted, New Ted. New Ted. I called... New Ted. I called him that when he was about 10 years old. You, Ted? I remember New Ted, he had, he's one of those bears When you leaned him forward, he used to go, like a cow in many ways.

And then as he got older and he'd been knocked about and sat on a few times, it became a sort of a bleat. I can only call it. So you tip him over and he'd go, and oh man, it wasn't, it wasn't a terrible group. I had Big John. Big John?

Yeah. Oh, I love Big John. Was that? Big John was it, he was a bear. He was about three foot, though. He was taller than me. I dragged him out of Harrod's once, screaming. My parents bought it for me. Talk me a very important lesson. If you scream loud enough, you'll get your own way. He's great. Yeah, I love that, Ted. I've still got him. You've still got Big John? I've still got Big John. I can't believe it. Now he's Frank's manager. Boy, you are you in trouble now. He's never been dragged out of him. Harrod screaming.

He's been dragged into Harrod screaming, I think. Did you have Connelly, by the way? Can I say Monkey, by the way? Can I say monkey had a perfect bite mark out of his ear? That was our Keith. Yeah. That was our Keith. I've seen his teeth.

If our Keith went missing, you could have got an exact match of his teeth, his dental records from Monkees' ear. He'd just bit right through it. I had a... What he was, is he was a round orange thing with arms and legs. Garfield?

No. It was perfectly round. Was it an orange? No, it was, it was a bubble from orange age. It was a bubble from orangeade. Yeah, it was like to advertise orangeade, and it was around, I called him Ollie's. Your parent, you had a promotional cuddly toy. That's pathetic.

You were sponsored even then. It was really rubbish. Yeah. Orange Jade. Is that a brand name as well? Isn't that something from the famous five? Yeah. Well, and then he had arms and legs,

and what he was very good for is you could hold his arm or leg and then hit people with him. I see. And we used to play mallet's mallet with him. What did you call it? Orangey. Ollie, Ollie, the orange. Ollie, okay.

Oh, it sounds a bit desperate. I think people often pick up down there. It's the alliteration. So it's like Ollie the Orange. New Ted. New Ted. New Ted, though. There's something good about it.

It's like new labour. It was like I started a new, I'd started a new, I'd started a new era in the teddy bear business. Oh, I tell you what, it's been a great week for, though. I mean, probably the week for the word hath. Hath. Because the word hath, it doesn't get, it doesn't get much air in nowadays,

unless you go and see a Shakespeare play. But I've heard about... Or an hathaway. Yeah. Well, I don't know if that counts. Or if Chris Eubank, maybe. if he was, I don't know what that would be for Chris. But anyway, but that's about it.

But, of course, it's the week when people say, hold on a minute, 30 days ath, September. Oh, yeah. And I was thinking about that, because I still use that one. And also, you know when you change the clocks, I still use that one. The only way I know, I wouldn't have a clue whether they went backwards or forwards, except that thing when you fall back into winter and spring forward.

Yeah. Oh, I don't think I knew that. Oh, that's a good one. Do you know what I hate, Frank, about 30 days has September? And I do say, I do say the word half. Yes. I tell you what I hate is the fact that it starts off, so promisingly is a rhyme. 30 days have September.

April, is it June and November. All the rest have 20, excluding 30, excluding February. I don't know that rhyme. Why didn't they bother with the loss for here? I know. It's lazy. Well, it sort of rhymes, because it says all the rest have 31 days clear, except

February which is Libya Yeah That's how it goes It's rubbish No it doesn't end well But it starts great It's one of the great

openings to any Any piece of writing I've ever heard Frank Gareth got spighting this week I did Yeah I had a terrifying experience this week

We Laura and I were in our lounge And Don't say lounge What is it What should I say It's living room Yeah

Or drawing room Is that right You can't say pardon lounge or toilet pl t don't say lounge say living room or drawing them carry on we were huddled in the hovel and um there was a sound on the patio doors behind the curtain it was dark okay and it was one of those situations where it was really like something was knocking against the patio doors and like you could just couldn't think of any good thing that it could be like it's going to to be something terrifying.

Surely, an overhanging branch. There's no trees near our house, not for miles. Oh, dear. I mean, how far do they overhang? What happened to the trees? Was it when you, I told you, if you get a male and a female beaver, that's what's going to happen. So, yeah, there was a knocking on. What time of the night was this?

It was probably about 10 o'clock. And it was where, like, look. Why did they always strike at 2 a.m.? Laura said she thought I should look. Well, that's fair enough. You're a man. And so she turned the light on, like for the outside light, and I was going to pull back the curtain.

We were going to accept our fate, whatever it was, together. So sorry, how you extended to being a man in the act of pulling back the curtain. That's essentially what you did. I should have had a weapon or something, shouldn't I? Yes. The weapons were all in the cellar. Well, you need a, what you need is a poker, but of course nowadays, how many modern homes have got a poker line around,

unless you keep one for that specific reason. I had the radiator key. I got the radiator key at the ready. Yeah, that would, you know, nasty, you know, if you pulled it between your knuckles. Do you, when you've got the radio, with the radiator, do you keep bleeding? Anyway.

So we did it, like, Laura, so Laura's going to turn out, and so we did it on three. in my seat. I know, it's terrified. Meanwhile, somewhere with the... You're loitering by a curtain, presumably wearing a low-slung boxer, brief. Oh, no. So you open the curtains.

It was a frog! Another frog! It was a... What was he? It was a frog. It's a bit strong, isn't it? So Raymond Blonde's our passing. No, not Roman Blonde.

I wouldn't use that sort of terrible stereotype. I'm glad to hear that. I was just thought, I thought what he said it now, if we met light of it, perhaps no one will phone in. Yeah. I'm glad. No, it was a frog trying to get in. Did we have a problem with a frog before?

Like, yes, a moist thump against the patio door. Yeah, it was another... I love that story. I tell you what I was... I'm just having a scratch. I went to see... Can you hear me scratchy, listen. I went to see Crap's last tape.

You can say that because it's KRAA double P. It's a Samuel Beckett play. And it's about a man, Mr. Crap, we'll call him. And every birthday, he records himself talking, just saying, you know, it's been a funny old year, and I met this woman, and this happened, and that happened. And then he keeps all these tapes. So, like, you know, 20 years' time, he can listen to himself.

all those years back talking. It's an interesting idea. And I thought, it's something I'm, you know, not much of a nostalgic person, but I occasionally come across my old self, if you know what I mean. I found a diary that I only had one entry in it on January the 1st.

I think it was something like 1978. What did it say? Bought New Ted. No. It said, there can be no true love without the fear of losing. Oh, wow. That was all it said in the entire diary.

Oh. So I think... Did you lose it? I must have lost a diary. Must have. But then, so I got a bit interested in this and I realised there's a whole sort of web culture of people, messages to your younger self.

Oh, yeah. Because did Stephen Frye did one that was quite famous, didn't he? Did he wrote a letter to his 16-year-old self? Because when he was younger, he wrote a letter to himself when he was older saying you'll have lost everything by the time you're old this is who you truly are and you're young

dear I thought he wrote a letter to his 16 year old self that said your face is not going to get any small you might as well just get used to the idea I think my message to my younger self would be oh clean your teeth I wish I'd done that what I'm left with now

because the trouble is if you want to sort them out. I'm not suggesting you have to. I find your teeth very endearing. But if you want to sort them out... Did she say they look like endearing out? You're going to have to go down the Simon Cowell route and I know you worry about that, don't you? No, I don't want to be in the chair for three hours and pay 500,000 pounds and have pearly white teeth. I couldn't bleach. If I put bleach on these teeth, they're disintegrate. Also, it would look weird.

I like to think there's an element of the Turin shroud about them. that that kind of wasted element, you know, the frayed and... The doubt about whether they're original. The doubt about that they're real. I think a lot of people think I got them from some sort of joke shot. Yes, I'd say that. The other thing I'd say to my youngest self is Elvis dyed his hair. Oh.

Because I used to be obsessed with the fact that I was blonde and Elvis had got black hair and that I could never truly be like Elvis because of that. And then when I was about 40, I saw a picture of Elvis, completely blonde, and realised that he died his hair all those years. Oh, yeah, he was quite fair. So I'd aspire to something which didn't really exist, like a fool.

That's good advice. Do you want to know what I'd say? Oh, God, yeah. Yes, we do. Well, I'd say, dear Emily, in 1987, a man called Dave will tell you he's just not ready for a relationship, because he's got to concentrate on his biology A level. He is lying, and so is every other man who tells you this. Oh, dear. That's what I'd say.

I thought you'd have been a great supplement to his biology out. You wouldn't have hoped. Yeah. No, but I just mean you have to learn that because you waste your time, you see, believing that. But you can't, not, you're not saying that all men are liens, is what you'd say to your 16-year-old. But what I'm saying is don't sort of believe the excuses. Better just to move on. Maybe he's just not into you.

Not exactly. He's just not that into you. Well, I looked up at some sight. There's a lot of these note to younger self. This is some of the stuff I found. There's a woman speaking to her younger self. She did a top ten of things. God knows, I won't go through them all.

But some of them were, it all works out completely on through. It's just not true. It's a bit smug. It doesn't all work out. Some things never, ever work out. What about this one then? If your stomach hurts and you haven't got a virus, you're in a bad situation. Oh.

Well, Lou, I think that's based on the fact that a lot of people, I think, including myself, their stress centre is in their stomach. So if they're pensive about something, they always get, that's where they always get it. But what a thing to say to your 16, I was going to say, shut up about stomachs, get lost. How do you know if you've got a virus as well? Oh, so it's too busy drinking cider and throwing it up, you don't care. But my favourite was number seven. This is someone who has an unique opportunity to speak. speak to their 16-year-old self.

How could that happen? But it happens by supernatural means. What does she say? She says, cot or potted flowers are never a waste of money. My goodness. What the dickens? Your 16-year-old self would think you were an idiot.

Yeah, exactly. I noticed on the same page as a link, this is absolutely true, 13 ways to use cucumbers. Oh. That's what I'd have sent to my 16-year-old self. What a week I've had. Why?

What I mean, what a week? Well, who are you, Ed Miliband? I think not. In a way, we're all Ed Miliband, for ease every man. I'm David. Oh, yeah, yeah, so you are, David. You're right, you've got that bitterness in your eye. So, yeah, well, last Saturday I went to the Emirate Stadium,

see West Promenade Albanyl. Oh, yeah, oh, you did very well, didn't you? On Monday, I went up to Manchester, did two episodes of question of sport. Yeah. Can you believe that? Yeah, I can actually. They're usually as sports people, isn't it?

Oh, well, they've changed. They've changed on that. I'll tell you, late. Let's not go into you. Then I'd have an official tour of a London library on Tuesday. I went to see Placebo Live. Yeah. I went to the new Gogan exhibition at Tate Martin.

I saw Caroline O'Connor live, the show girl. I had cosmetic surgery. I went to the Tate. What? I saw some turrets. I had cosmetic surgery. Shut up. I saw Michael Cairn. I don't care about Michael Cairn. You had cosmetic surgery. Yes, I had cosmetic surgery. Don't lie. You didn't. I did. They are lovely breasts.

I have to say. Well, no, just try? Yeah. Not too hard. Really realistic. Yeah. I find, I think they've, they've filled them a bit too much. You know, it's like, you have too much tobacco in your pipe. And you can't get any, it's like that. Frank, you didn't really have a cosmetic surgery. The one on the left is I could clench bicep.

Oh, perfect. Fine. You didn't really have cosmetic surgery? I did have, I had... Are you joking? Yes. That is disgusting. No, I'm not. I'm sorry, I'm not joke.

That is absolutely disgusting. What is that disgusting? What have you had done? I think it was that pencil you gave me that said, what would Emily do? Funny. I, um... No, I'm not, I'm not normally a man who cares much about. I mean, if I took my shirt off now, you'd say that I have a chance.

chest, like a, like a webbed toast rack. You can imagine such a thing. But I started to get, I noticed I'd got these sort of veins in my nose. Oh, I was going to get, well... What was you going to get? Well, I thought it was a facelift. I'm not being raised.

Well, no, just a small tuck I thought you might have had. Or an endoscopic brow lift, maybe, I thought you'd had. Oh. But then I was... You see, you do look quite fresh face. Something looks different. Maybe he'd had a water removed. Maybe when I explained.

Okay. I noticed these veins had started appearing in my nose. I'm going to be straight about this, right? It looked a bit, if you can imagine, a papilla mashay nose. But the paper for the papiomache was just pages of the A to Z. Oh, yeah. So you could see various... A lot of A and B roads.

Yeah, exactly. And I just wanted it, I said, just take the A rose. I'm all right with the side streets. It was... I'd see what I think when I... If you can imagine my face, about four foot high, with a slit where the nose was, right? So there's no nose, they're just a hole. And then Madonna knelt and put her elbow through the slit.

So her forearm becomes the bridge of my nose. Can you picture that? Oh, yeah, very easily. Well, that was the sort of heavy veining I was getting. And I thought, I can't. Also, it makes you look like a drinker and the very idea, frankly. Well, I wonder if it was that coming through late. No, it is.

So I went, I went to see a doctor, and he said, You're so vain. This is clever, because I saw there was wordplay, but it was about vanity. Oh, yeah. Or you're so vain. You're so vain. Do you see? And so he basically zapped me.

Frank, I can't believe it. I know it's terrible. You see, my line of work, you can get away with ugly, but people don't like grotesque. Oh sure wasn't done a bit of editing and tightening It feels like a backwood step I know that people finding things quite frightening