The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: Penny Wise

Episode Date: August 5, 2026

Back in 2014, the gang chat about the World’s Hardest Man and reminisce about Alun's Readers Digest column. Some name drops too, with Frank meeting Buzz Aldrin and Emily going to the Game of Thrones premiere! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank's King's Radio Days, it could go away. Hi Frank, Emily and the Cockrell. Love the show, and I think I'm your youngest listener at 13. I'm a first-time writer, and I'm just wondering why you call the show's listeners, readers. First-time writer at 13. That's Broken Britain. Why would we call them readers? Why do we call them readers?

Surely they listen to, not read the show. Hope you can tell me why. Youth offender number 946. That's good. Excellent. I love a youth offender. Yeah, youth offender's a good touch. You see, um...

It takes the voice of youth to go to the heart of the matter, doesn't it? You just thought, well, hold on, we don't read, we listen. It's a she, actually. That's all right. It wasn't explained. What's the name? Neve. That's in the email address.

She's actually just put youth offender. Oh, I like Neve. It's all a bit bewitched, isn't it? No, but he's probably... He wouldn't have his own email at 13, would he? It's probably his mom. Bank? He'd have their own email.

They're probably... They have their own email when they're like seven or something. Yeah. Sh! Sh! No way. No way. Well, yeah, you know, it's a very good question, though.

How did that start? The reader's... I think it started as a slip, didn't it, on my part. Oh, maybe. And I think it's because our listeners, if I'm going to use the word for a bit, just come across generally. And bear in mind that I have Alan and Emily reading the text to me, so I don't see all the ones that say, I hate you.

Why don't you just... We filter out the protest. We see those. You see them, but I'll find them. with that. And so, I think that they are... Kind of June-O-Hoon approach. Our listeners are so,

seem so bright and funny and witty. I sort of think of them as readers, you know what I mean? That's right, yeah. Bookish and clever. Yeah. Rather than just sitting there and soaking it up. The pendulum swings on that, doesn't it?

From them being people in black jeans and converse trainers and tour t-shirts to then being readers. Well, but you see, I think that a lot of people Well, in converse and black jeans and t-shirts are actually quite sharp, bright characters. People look at them and think, oh, beer belly, fool. Do you know what? I'm really glad you said that, because that's all our listenership.

Beer belly, fool, is the dessert that I made this week. Oh, really? Not really. It sounds all right, because it's a bit like that. What's that food, Wobwalee, something? Buyer bass. Is that what it is, bouillabase? That's French for beerbelly. It's not.

It is. Does that make good radio? I'm not sure. Oh, no. Let's hear about you writing for the Reader's Digest. That makes great radio. Anyway, so can I say, Neve, if that is you, that, yes, it came accidentally, but like Sigman Freud would say,

it was probably because in my heart I felt red rather than listen to. Mm-hmm. Next. Yes, Readers Digest, you wrote for. Yeah, let's hear about your Reader's Digest columns, Al. Hey, we're all here amongst us. And the bar too high, isn't it? Yeah, I just used to write a little...

Oh, was it called? I don't even know what it was called. Was it a northernist view? No, that would have been good, though, wouldn't? Maybe I should suggest that to them, and see if they rehire me. It was just like a little... Bargain tips. That's another one.

Oh, I bet it was called Pennywise. That's good, yeah. It was so called Pennywise. He's actually used the name Penny Wise as a pen now. Oh, that'd be good. My Mondeer plume should be Pennywise. It has things like light of... match.

Where you go to the bathroom to save on air freshener, Frank. Yeah. I used to find life. And lighting. What a way to go? That all went up. Yeah.

And my mum used to read a magazine called The People's Friend, which sounds like something that's Stalin would have had been in. And there was an article there. Everything was written by women, except one article, which was by The Man Who Knows.

I hated The Man Who Knows. It was a little short column just about, like, funny stuff, things that I've thought. You're a humorist. Something like that. Yeah, I suppose you could say, I'm trying to think of what it was called now. Was it Brandretheon? The Cockrell Crows. Very similar.

Was it the Cockrell Crows? I don't think I was known as the Cockrell at that point. Okay. When would this have been? A couple of years ago, I'm guessing. I'm surprised you never mentioned it before. I had some news in. Go on.

It's not quite a hold. You don't have been the news to you? It's not quite a hold in my hand. this piece of paper, but Nuggett... I spoke this morning with the German Chancellor, Herr Hitler. I did, but that's none of your business.

Nuggett has tweeted us. He's tetched, isn't it? Guess what? Go on. Kocka Likie's column was called Alan's wallet. No, it wasn't. That was Nuggett's joke, not mine. Okay.

It was called Little Epiphanies. Am I correct? Nugget says. That's right, yeah. Well done. Little Epiphanies. I mean, a column entitled Little Epiphonies. is still available, should there be any publishers listening?

How long were you in the Digest? I don't know, I think about a year, a year and a half, I'm obviously decided I'm going to start reading it again. I'm going to subscribe today. I'm not in it now, so... No, that's why I'm going to start reading it. Ouch. Do you like my penitentiary chic shirt today?

I do. I like it when you dress a little bit like you're pretending to be a boy so that you can get through a Shakespeare play without anyone finding out you're actually a princess. because we found out you were a princess many, many years ago. No, I do it. But you always looked so well turned out. Thank you.

I've had a... We had the boiler went this week. Oh, I hate it and that happens. I mean, we had a big argument, and she just... Oh, 1973. Exactly. How nice to see you again. And I said to my mother-in-law,

can I smell your feet? Anyway, we'll leave it there. And she uses a smoke alarm, a timer. That's one of my favour. It was awful because... Why? Well, because we had no hot water and no heating in the house. And I know there'll be many people that are listening to this and saying, yeah, what's your point?

But I mean, we generally do have that. And I had a big sort of photo shoot type day. And I thought, well, I'm going to have a wash. Well, we can all relate to that. Yeah. Did you have to put the kettle on and have a wash? Well, I did. I thought, I'm going to have a cold shower.

I can do it for one morning. Oh, yeah. You didn't do a prison wash, did you? It was, so I put the shower on. Yeah. And I was, I was, picture this, I was naked. I opened the shower door. Did you have to say that?

I did. I opened the shower door. I could guess that, if you're having a shower. I don't think you're in there in a bathing suit. I can't get out of my head. And I stood. I still can't get out of my head. I stood at the gate of the year.

I stood at the door of the shower. And it was like, you know those men who jumped from the rocks in Acapulco? That moment when they must think, I can't do this. And then they jump. I thought, I just can't. I can't get into this shower. And I didn't. I just couldn't.

I just couldn't. I was too, I couldn't do it. I love this story about you not getting into it. In fairness, they usually do jump off those rocks. at Acapulco, which I think is... What they say that they do, apparently, their technique is they imagine their sort of spiritual self getting outside of their body, going behind and then pushing them. Oh, yeah.

Oh, is that right? I tried that. I couldn't get in the shower. Yeah, spiritual body couldn't push. Your real body. To be honest, there isn't much room in that bathroom for the spiritual body to get out. He didn't quite get out. He just sort of shuffled backwards a bit. So he's still partly... Not enough purchase. Yeah. I just, honestly... So what did you do then? Did you do prison wash?

the sink? I did. Well, I had to wash because I was being photographed by the Sunday mirror. It's quite a big thing. I had to change outfits and stuff, so they would have, you know. You need to look box fresh for that. Well, exactly. We've had a text, Frank, saying, from 411, saying, feeling your plight, Frank,

I've had no hot water since November the 30th. Cold shower's not funny. I just like the fact that it's got brr in there. Yeah, but that's a long time. It is a long time, and I like the mystery in there. Like, why? He's not telling us, or she. Yeah, but he might be homeless and he might just be out of that real rainy spell we had in

he might just talk about that Oh, I don't know, I don't know, you've coped What did you do? Baby wipes, let me guess, baby wipes Dry shampoo What I did was I boiled a kettle And then I boiled another kettle And then I boiled another kettle I got over the sink and I did myself

An injury At one piece of time Oh I don't want to know anymore. It took ages, but yeah, I did myself in sections. You've said too much. And, you know, it's been up the fourth bridge by the time you've washed your hair to start your feet again.

Nice. Is it working now, the heating? It is. When I got back, a man had been in. I bet that was glorious, wasn't it? He looks very well turned out today, doesn't he? It looks clean as a whistle. There you go.

But it's good to have these things now and again, I think, because I had a hot shower this morning, and I thought to myself, this truly is a wondrous thing. And marvellous that the water can be heated in this way, by electrical equipment. I never think that. Metal bird in sky. Exactly.

I'll be thinking that again later. I always, you know, I always have it when I watch cricket on the telly. I will say to my girlfriend, I go, oh, I'll say, can you believe these people are actually playing cricket now in a different country? We're watching, as it's actually happening, we are watching it. That bloke is there now. He's doing that. We can see him. In color. Can I ask you a question, Frank? Do you book phone calls to Australia four days ahead?

I never found anyone in Australia. I thought it was one of my... Not in the ashes, I can't face it. I thought it was one of my catchphrases was... It's amazing what they can do now. It seems like it's... I can go through all sorts of things, but when the cricket comes on the telly live, I am beside myself, as my spiritual body would say.

When it was going to push... When there was enough room for him. The thing that blows my mind is those... You know, some hotels have mirrors that don't steam up. They've put a thing behind the actual... Is that right, how? You know, you have a shower and you get out and you expect a mirror to be steamed up.

I was in a hotel the other day, and it just had a big circle where my face would be, totally non-steamy. And I just think, how do they do that? That's amazing. That's incredible. Amazing what they can do now, in it? Well, do you think that's fastling on the glass?

I don't know. Who's been in that hotel room before you? Maybe that's what it was, yeah. Oh, dear. I miss that bit when you sort of, you miss... Mist. Yeah, when you scrape a bit out so you can see your face. Yeah.

Oh, it's lovely. It's like the opening to some sort of crazy 80s pop video. Anyway, look, I went to Hayes last weekend after the show. Oh. Which is an area of, it's not an area of London. Is it, does it qualify? I'm not the right person, darling for outside London information. It was a nice day.

It was a nice day. Did you? I got you make haze while the sunshine. And I go, I walked into that. Now, what happened was that there's a company called Autographia, and they stage sort of autograph and photo sessions. How do they? So they take over a hotel, kind of, and they have lots of famous people in.

And they sort of, you know, people cure up to have the photo to pay and stuff. Anyway, I'd been tipped off that Bois Aldrin, the second man on the moon. was going to be there. Oh. And as you, as you may know, my son is named after Bos Ulthrin. He's called Boz. Do you see, I didn't try and mess about with it.

I just did that. Real name? And so... Of Buzz Aldrin? Edwin. Oh, lovely. Yes. Although there was a nickname for him.

It's the proper name for my son. And in fact, Well, anyway, so I got a photograph of, well, me, I had to hold Bos because the original Bos is 84 and I think he's a great man, but I also can trust him to hold my son. I mean, even if he has got some sort of engineering degree still. Yeah, exactly. And if he did some terrible injury, you have to spend the rest of your life. Well, weirdly enough, he was dropped by the man he was named after.

Punchline would work thin. Yeah, exactly. Because, you know, I never know Whether Bos at 84 might think The weightlessness is still You know, he might just like let him go For a bit of a laugh Did you tell him he was named after him?

I did, I said, I named him after you And he said, he looked at me to say what's his name And I said, it's Bos And he said, double Z! And I said, I thought either He's, you know, some odd alternate spelling or it's fallen asleep. And that seems snoring.

Snores in a sort of speech bubble kind of a way. And I said, yeah, a double Z. And he went, hi, Buzz! And then went straight into the post for the photo. But it was very exciting. And I've got this photo, and I'm so pleased and thrilled to have this photo, a big, buzz, little boss. And I showed it to someone, they said,

I'd have had a like a buzz like, yeah. There's only two of them now out of the three. Oh, who said that? That man from McFly. I was dragged down. I had a good text in from Ian Angel. Is it Angel, we've decided it was? Yes, I think it was.

In Angle. Regular text, often comes up with a funny pun. He does. Here we go. How about that? You wait ages for a buzz, and then two turn up, but once. That's good. You see, that's why I call it.

Yeah, exactly. Hylation on Frank's face at the pun. Oh, I love it. So when you went to the hotel full of people that were going to be giving out autographs, was there not a slight danger that people might have thought you were. going to be like room 4 or 6 signing our autographs. I thought about this because everybody there, you don't, you don't get, no, I wouldn't say Buzz Alder was less famous.

But for example, there was a whole wall of the girls from Octopusy. Is that right? And they were signing photos of them. You know Octopus at the Bond first. Did you get their autographs then? It is in a local club. I'm confused that there's a whole wall of them, like, rather than like, you mean, like, sitting at a desk? Well, they're at desks.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah. So they sit under pictures of themselves. They don't, they've got bikinis at desks have they? I can't abide that. They sit under a big poster of themselves. Oh, they looked in octopuses. Oh, that must be nice for them. It's very cruel.

Indeed, yeah. I love photographs of me age 16 looking on. Yeah. But they signed, they were, they were 15 pounds for a sign photo of them. And I did sign quite a few autographs. was there and I did think. Were they free? Well, obviously, I'm not going to say, someone said, can I be an autograph? Yes, that'll be

20 pounds, please. I couldn't, you know. I mean, if you're in an event. That's like people giving out the free newspapers outside news urgence. It feels like you shouldn't really do it there. Well, I didn't. Oh, Alan, I was enforcing it on people. Save that for your penny-wise column.

That's next month. Have you had a little epiphany? Well, get out. Do you know what, Frank? I'm just, I'm so glad, I do love the name Buzz anyway. Yes. I'm glad you named him after Buzz and not Neil. Because that's a bit boring, isn't it?

Yeah, exactly. And also, it's setting the bar too high, isn't it, the first man? Yeah. He don't want to spend the whole life time. So, Boss has had, um, he's looking quite well, Boss Alder. We just saw the photographs, actually. Yeah, he has had a, he's had a... Deep tan?

He's had a facelift. Bang, you can't say that he definitely. No, I think he owned up to it. He was asked in the paper about it, and he said, and he said, said that the G force, all that G force had slackened his gels. But I think he was, I think he was joking. I'm pretty confident he was joking. But, yeah, so it was really exciting.

And it was great. I couldn't help thinking, when I'm 80, am I going to be wearing an England football shirt and sitting photos, signing photo somewhere? Next to mini francs. For the worse ways to go up there, I think. It was all right. Don't have a facelift, though, Frank. Bozzy's autograph, by the way, in case you're wondering, 350, coin.

What? We've had an email in from Richard Hatch. Hi, Frank. How about this for a mind-bender then? You sitting at home watching the cricket, and because of the huge difference in the speed of light and sound, you hear the thwack of leather on Willow before the people in the stands. Well, it blows my mind anyway.

Is that right? Rich, first-time writer, medium-time reader. I love Richard. If that's right, that is even. That's... Wow. Sorry, I'm... That's absolutely stunning.

I once... I was at the World Cup, and we were watching... I didn't go to every game, so one of the games, we watched an outdoor cafe in South Africa, and there were several other outdoor cafes on the same street.

Yeah. All watching it on big screens. And every big screen was like a slow. different time. So you'd be watching, you think, oh, this is a good attack, you know, oh, so you knew they'd missed. Apparently, we've had another text in regarding Buzz's autograph prices. Oh, yeah.

877, 350 was his lowest price, a mission inscription was extra. If you wanted his autograph on something that already had Armstrong and Colin's signature, it was nearly £915. It's funny if it goes off if it's on with the other two. He obviously knows what they were, doesn't it? So if you get all three... Well, I was saying earlier, Collins is the worst, let's be honest. Oh, what?

Come on. It was in that stupid little thing. It was like a little sidecar on Wallace and Grommit. It wasn't even the problem at her craft. You couldn't even get on the main one. If you ever... I called him the designated driver of that. No, but it's a bit like having...

In the films, the person who's driving in the car for the two mobsters, they come running out of the bank and he's waiting. He's obviously... It's often quite a nice guy. grabbed in. He's just, you know, he's struggling a bit at home and he just needs the money. He's not prepared to go in there with a gun, but he will drive the car. That's how I'm saying, Michael Collins.

And also, my son's called Boz Cody Collins. Oh, yeah, you're right. I said to go on Boz and Neil Collins, and then, but that would have been an extra 900 quid that registered on me. We also had somebody text saying, I saw you at the autographaker show held in Hayes, brackets London Borough of Hillingdon, for some reason. Well, that's because I wasn't sure where it was.

Oh, really. Thank you for that. Carrying Little Buzz. Spaceman Aldrin changed his name by Deedpole to Buzz some years ago. 350 to a thousand pounds for his autograph must have made it well worth the change and the smile. Well, I spoke to, he just got fed. I suppose he thought, I'll save time if I don't have to do those inverted commas around Buzz. Oh, yeah.

He's thinking time. I once had this conversation. Who checks up on you if you don't change your name now? I was talking to Sarah Cox, and she used to be Sarah with an age. I thought it's before, and then she changed it to Sarah with just S-A-R-A. I don't know, but it might be the 90s. And I said, think of the time you've saved signing autographs by not having to do that H. And I said, if we contacted H from steps, asked him how many time long he'd spent signing

autographs, we could work out exactly how much time you'd say. Just in place of mathematics, I thought. What are we talking about? Oh yeah, I was talking to Bruce Sandless who was the first man to walk in space on one of those walks where it's machine driven You're not on a lead Oh they don't count

I hate those friends Oh no they're really dangerous, excited Oh are they? Oh I like them then. They're all frightening But he said that over breakfast or something Buzz had been saying that he was thinking of changing of changing his name

by indeed poll to Buzz Lightyear Aldrin He's covering every bus I bet there was money involved, wasn't it? Oh, God I love him. We've taken all where radio shows and done a bit of editing and tightening. It's a walk down with fine news. It's cool friends in the sounds of the week, so this is a take out. Conscious uncoupling.

Oh, yes. That was the phrase none of us knew before this week. No, I bet, I bet Buzzle-Odwin's not a bit of conscious uncoupling, isn't they? All right. You know, when they, you know, when they separate? Yeah, when they separate from the mothership. I bet you've done a few unconscious couplings. Yeah, exactly.

Day, I'll say that to me. In the perno years, not recently. And the perno years are the hardest. So they decided to split up. Yes, it's Chris Martin and Gwynny Pig, as we like to call it. Do we? And they went civilised, didn't they? I don't like civilised.

I like lawsuits. Well, you could join the rest of the media, who do not. civilised because people have really reacted badly. Putin's had better press than they have this week. I know. He hasn't split up. And Kim Jong-un. I don't, I'm actually impressed by them.

I think it's amazing if you can pull that off. Yes. But I can't, I'm afraid. I'm too bitter. People are bitter that they're trying to pull it off. It seems like much of their bad press is about them just trying to be nice, I think. That seems like people really resent that if you try and act like a grown-up and don't set your children. I like a bit of the contrast I'm copying and all the niceness.

Yes, I think. I mean, I did be, I must say, I wouldn't let any husband of mine who was in a band, Feet Rihanna. You remember when they did the song that Feet Rihanna? Yes, I do, and then the Feet Rihanna. Once I saw on his list of, you know, where I'm going today, are we going to do China?

What's it, China Princess or something? Yeah. Once I saw Feet Rihanna, I'd say, I don't think so. I love that's become a new euphemism. You've been out, oh no, I'm beating Rihanna. So, yeah, Sarah Ferguson used to use it, I think. Johnny Bryant, pretty cool. Very good reference, Frank.

I wouldn't have let that go, I must say. They said that there's two people playing teacher now. Yeah, one student and one's teacher. Oh, there was one student, one teacher. Are they both teachers now? I'm not sure. Yeah, that's what they're saying. They're taking it in turns to teach each other about themselves.

They made a big fuss about them. I think they're homeschooling, basically, is the short answer. The Daily Mail laid into them for two people playing teach. I thought that was so odd. It's a commonplace phrase amongst my friends in the S&M community. Oh, well then it's fine. Yeah, I don't know where they meant such a big fuss about. I do.

I just feel sorry for them that what is nice about a breakup, let's be honest, is you do get the licence to be quite horrible about someone, just for a couple of month. It's like about a 90-day period, I think, isn't it? The hatred vendor. And I think that's okay. I think it's good. I mean, they probably are being horrible,

they're behind the scenes, I don't they? They're keeping quite dignified in the public eye, though, aren't they? I think they've got the kids. They've got Apple and Moses to worry about it. Apple will be fine. She's strong, strong inside. I like you to. You've got a bit of Phil and Holly on this morning.

Apple's got a strong core, I think. Oh, very good. And Moses, I think, is on tablets at the moment. You know what? Puns and sympathy, I can't bear this. I like Apple and Moses, though. They're marking off a biblical timeline. Apple, Moses. Sadly, they never got to the New Testament.

We've arrived. We have. I have moored our boat. Should we start with Liam from Liverpool? I like the alliteration. I think he might be one of my regulars. Hi Frank, Emily and Alan, or Steve, delete as appropriate. Oh, that's cold.

I was just reading BBC News, and after reading a story on the friend of the show, Kim Jong-un, I wanted to know the team's thoughts on the new North Korean law requiring all men to get the same haircut as their glorious leader. Would, dear leader, I believe, he's called, isn't he? Would you be willing to... That's his most common. Yes, he has several, I think. Dear leader.

I think brilliant leader is another one as one. Yeah. Bashful leader. That's one of the ones that they barely use. Fat leader. Is that they call him the fat controller? Would you be willing to start yourself after the great man? What about miserable leader?

Would I be happy? Well, we should explain if people don't know. Well, most people know this story, don't they? He's made haircut rules, hasn't he? Yeah. So traditionally, I think the pre-existing rules, were that there were 18 styles for women, 10 for men. You know, do you remember the days when you go to a hairdresser

and there'd be a book that you'd look through with pictures of people have and you'd say, I'll have that, please, and they'd do it for you. There must be an 18-page book in every North Korean hairdressers and you just pick one on the air. I like that. And they all look like they're under police investigation. I imagine you say I'll have two number 18s. Have you got any progress?

But so you get done like that. Yes, you do get done like that, like that. Yes, you do. So you can take it off air. Let us trim our hair in accordance with the socialist lifestyle. Is that what it says? Which is what I believe you said to me. No, it's what you said once.

That's what he says, yeah. One thing I like about communism is the lack of freedom. Oh, here we go. I like the fact, I don't know about you, but when I go into the hairdressers. Too much choice. And the bloke says, okay, what did you like? I always think, oh, just get on with it. Yeah. And the other week, I went into a head.

Said I, never. And I said to the guy, what do I always say? I always say, number three back and sides, a little bit off the top. That's what my style is. I'd love that. I'd love a style. Number three back on. I wanted. And he said, oh, I think four. Oh. And I thought, don't ask. It's not a, we're not bartering on my hair cut. This is what I want. I said, no, no, I want three. What's the difference with four?

It's a little bit longer. But you know what? Frank would have to go back again sooner. And I'm the one that's considered thrifty. Was that his motivation? Yeah, I like. Penny Wise, that's something for you call him. I reckon Kim Jong-un.

I reckon he's two. I written two all right. Maybe even one all right. He goes two at the sides. He's got the buzz cut. Well, they call it. Well, they call it. If I ever met Kim Jong-un, I wouldn't be able to resist. just rubbing my hand against the grain of his hair on the side, just to feel that lovely

spike. I ever met Kim Jong, I wouldn't be able to resist full stop. I think I can see myself in the compound. No, what, I think he looks I think he looks cool. I mean, if you're going to have a haircut, if you're going to have a haircut imposed on you, I'd be happy with that particular. I'd prefer that to Kim Jong-il, because he had the Dallas Bufant.

That was to make him look taller. How was it? Yeah. I mean, we should not think I'd say. Considering that Kim Jong-un has got nuclear weapons, we should think ourselves like he hasn't imposed this on the whole world. If I see anyone on a tariff or anything doesn't have this haircut, oh, I'm going to wipe out the planet.

Where's my clippers? I don't know. I mean, I think you would pass muster, Frank. Don't you think, in the Republic? Because your hair is regulation. Can I just do my, Kim Jong-un? Please do. Just threatening to do that hasn't got a,

webcam. We all stood throughout that. That's a friend of the show for world leaders. Kim John Noon is a friend of the show. I think he is in a way, isn't he? Along with Ross Noble and Britain's Fattis Man. It's extraordinary. Contributes. Yeah, and Peter the while. Anyway, let's not list all the friends of the show.

Yeah, but I don't think Alan would pass Moster. No. Well, we've had a text in saying, what do you do in North Korea if bald? And I, not in North Korea, but in life, I would be delighted by baldness. I hate my own hair. Do you know, sorry I'll continue.

I think I've had five good hair days in my entire life and they've been completely random. What you need to do is offend someone in the Russian government? Yes. You'd be bald in six weeks. Eat some sushi. I like your hair with a bit of length. Thanks. I went for a haircut

recently and tried to do the thing that my wife does of taking a picture along and saying I want this haircut and I googled men's short hairstyles and about 400 pictures of Brad Pitt come up. And you think, well, he could have any hairstyle and he looks good. David Beckham and Brad Pitt. That's cruel as well.

And then one of a guy with a really funny Afro. That was it. That's a lot. Also, they shouldn't show Brad Pitt. That's like those octopusy women having to pose under the pictures of their age 22. Well, I tried that. I just put in hairstyles. And I got about 5,000 pictures of Harry's style.

But that was a spelling thing. I'd love hairstyles. I'd love hairstyles like his. You know, I had a haircut when I was on tour once. And I went into the, I went into the barbers, and he said, how do you want it cut? And I looked at, there was a poster of me on the wall outside. I said it like that. And he did, he just, he did it like that.

Picture of me with it short. I mean, but life isn't always like that. Oh, can I just mention, you were asking, what do you do if you're bald? Yeah. I, tell you. In North Korea, that is not a general. No, just in general. This is not the texting.

Very easy. Smoker's cigar is the answer to that. No, if you're bald in North Korea, I know the answer to that. Apparently, you're allowed to grow your hair up to seven centimetres long to hide the balding. What about if you're completely bald? What about if you're, look, poor old Duncan Goodtie, if he fell out of a train North Korea? They got them. What would he have fell?

They'd have just caught him and took him straight to prison. I imagine so, yeah. It doesn't seem fair to me. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I'm not done with KJ yet. Okay. KJU. Yeah, KJU.

Well, two things I'd like to point out. One was one of the quotes, which I enjoyed from one of the Koreans, was, our leader's haircut is very particular, if you will. Does that sound like a man under pressure at all? But the other thing is, we've had a tweet in from Eddie, who says, everyone without exception should have to have a bald head and the same selection of wigs, e.g. Monday Beehide. for Tuesday Mollett, etc.

What do you think of that? I think, would it actually say a Monday on it, like, you know, like children's... Like children's fans. No bibs with a Monday. That would be,

just everyone has Monday on their head. I, well, I like, the idea of everyone having their head shade, I think, has probably got pluses. I mean, that would be the lice thing

would be wiped out. It's a great level of aesthetically as well. You know where you stand with people, don't you? The problem is people who manufacture swimming hats would be furious because their business would be in ruins. Yeah.

But I don't see why we have to have the same wigs why we couldn't have a variety of different ones. But everyone with the same hairstyle and one day would look pretty startling. Great fun, won't it? I mean, men and women as well. So everybody's gone. It's a fabulous art house movie.

But I'd make it, I wouldn't do short. I'd have to be like Dog the Bounty Hunter or something. Dog the Bounty Hunter. Is that your hair reference? Man woman and child has to have hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter. You know what? You took a photo of Dog the Bounty Hunter into your hairdresser and said, I want this.

That would make me so happy for the following week, I think. Does he die his hair, Dog the Bounty Hunter? Oh, what do you think, Frank? I don't know, you do get natural blonde people. Okay. Liam Gallagher. I like Liam Gallagher hair. It's thick in it. I just basically get jealous of people with thick hair.

Martin Freeman. Oh, no. They're hot. They're hot. They suffer in the summer, though, people with the hot. Do they? Hot hair. They get hot hair. That's what my girlfriend, whenever we watched the X-Factor in the old day,

Cheryl Cole would come on. She go, oh, hot hair. And she does look. It looked like she's wearing, you know, have you ever been out running in a woolly hat and thought, I wish I'd worn this, it's too hot? That's what they're like all the time, those people. Oh, really? I don't want that then.

I'm backtracking. Glad you've made me see the error of my words. You don't need to worry their hair arrives in a cab, separately to them, it's fine. Does it? Yes. I'm not even going to say allegedly. It just does.

Franks, it's with your days, the gays away the lace. Got bubbles on my tea. Dear leader, I married him. Frank, I don't like these bubbles. It's from Jane here. I've got some sad news for you and on. It's from Jane Austen, actually.

Dear Leader, I married it? No, it's not. It's Dear Leader, I married him, I think, is Jane Austen, isn't it? Dear Leader I married him, I think, is Jane. Isn't it, Jane? Is this today's texting? Maybe you're right. Is this quote from Jane Austen or Jane Eyre?

Let's find out. It's very commercial radio. I'm happy to be proved wrong. I've got some bad news for you and I, actually, Frank. Bronte. Mm-hmm. Bronte, which is what Kim Jong-un calls Debbie Harry. Can you just say anything, Alan?

Is that allowed? Just say anything. Here's the bad news for a couple of double-hard, like, macho, alpha male guys like me and Frank Skinner. Yeah. Apparently, there's a new hardest man in the world in town. It's a New Zealand doctor who stitched his own leg up after a shark attack. And then...

Oh, I love it. I mean, this is the bit... I'm sorry to interrupt, breaking news. Frank's right. Am I? Yeah. Okay. He then went to the pub for a beer.

He got bitten by a shark. That's my ringtone sorted. Frank's right. Me saying Frank's right. That'd be good. His name's James Grant and he was spear fishing near Colac Bay in New Zealand when, as he tells it, something leched onto my leg. I'm going to do the voice all the way through because you know I did my Australian last week.

So this week I think we should do New Zealand. It was inconceivably it's even worse this week. He then swam to shore and stitched up his leg using a first aid kit. I'd just gotten into the water, killed a fish and something leached onto more leg, Dr. Grant told the BBC. I like the order of thing. That's the phone check. isn't it right there? I killed a fish something latched onto my leg, it's just happening.

And then, I thought it might been one of my diving buddies, turn around. Big shark had latched on. What I did was, I just put a couple of little stitches in to take it back together. I'm probably unbearable. Absolutely unbearable is the new Australian show. I thought that was all right, wasn't it?

No, it's not all right. It's awful. One of my diving bodies. That's what they have, though. They have diving bodies. You have to go down in pairs. You can't go on your own. I don't have any. diving bodies, I mean, no. I have caught in the past.

Something I don't have. If you don't swim, you wouldn't have diving buddies, would you? I'd shut your face. As it says in Isaiah, my thoughts are not your thoughts. Neither are my ways, your ways. That's what I feel about this man. Sure, that's not Charlotte Bronte. I love this man. No, it's...

I love this man. I like it when he went to the local pub, and they gave him a bandage because he was dripping blood on the floor. Yeah, you can't apply it. That rule. He's so foster that, isn't you? Some pubs in the north will just be full of bandages if they do that. Well, I'm essentially testosterone intolerant. But I have a, I did something quite similar to this when I was on a walking holiday with my girlfriend.

Oh, let's hear what this is. You stitched yourself up and fought off a shark on a walking holiday. And then walked into a pub with your leg dripping with blood? I think I said something similar. I didn't say exactly the same. All right. So what did you do? Well, I went, we were going on a walking holiday, the coast to coast in which you walk from the east coast to the west coast across the Lake District and Yorkshire, etc.

Beautiful. And I thought, well, I were bothered by any walking boots. I've got those big chunky boots I used to wear in the 80s, that's bright red. Do you remember art? Do you remember there was a shoe company called art? No. Used to make big, chunky metal things. I think I know the sort of thing you mean.

Yes, sort of thing that you'd see people in Camden. Like sort of radioactive Doc Martins, I know them. Yeah, but with lots of metal on and big chunk. Anyway, so I wore those. Absolutely disgusting. Anyway, so I walked in those, and I got very bad blistering. And so what I did, and I heard this as an army thing, I sat with Kath that night, and I got, I threaded the needle and cotton.

And what you do is you put the needle through the blister, and then you drag the long length of cotton through the blister. Also avoid buying a new pair of boots just as well. As the cotton goes through, it soaks up the liquid. The moisture from in the blister. About £29 you can get them from. And I was doing it and Kath lay on the floor. And I said, what are you doing?

She said, well, I've sort of, I've more or less fainted. So I'm lying on the floor. to avoid the drop. But I'm in, I know I'm about to faint. Which, of course, you don't believe in. I don't believe in fainting. I don't believe in fainting. I think what she did was essentially fainting.

Except she forgot to just lie with her eyes shut and keep quiet. Which is what fainters do. What fainters do? Do you remember that song? No. Okay. And, um, and I did that. I drained them like that.

I had a lot of them. I had a lot of, yeah, a lot of pussite cotton. I'll say that. Please, what, it's wrong with you? Well, it did work, though. They went down. It worked? Yeah, they just, they went down to that.

You know, when you find a bit of balloon after a balloon's burst, if you don't find that, the balloon... Did you find it quite satisfying? Um, I did, I find, I found making a, um, semi-faint. I thought it was, uh, quite common. Not the draining of the blisters bit. The drain of the bliss, what I've done is I, I stopped at a shop,

actually, why, on the walking holiday and bought it. some walking boots. When he saw the boots, I was walking in this blow. What did he say? He said, 05 you walked in these. I said, 87 miles. He said, no. But in these, I said 87 miles. He said, you haven't walked 87 miles in these. Have you come 87 miles and then started walking? I said, no, I've walked 80s. He was absolutely astonished. And so my advice is, if you go and walk in a little, Do you take a needle and plenty of cotton? We've had some texts in.

Frank is right. Needle and cotton is essential when walking. I've used it many times and recommend it, Anna. Okay. Frank, I always do that with my blisters. It works from 5-2-6. What a day. I've had Jane Eyre.

Oh, you're so right. Frank is right. I'm going to stop quiet myself. If I was you, I'd be so happy about things like that, Jane Eyre. I just wake up in the middle of the night, smiling about that. Yeah. What are you going to wake up in the middle of the night thinking about? That's none of your business.

That's none of your business. Okay. That's between me and Dog the Bounty Hunter. I had a friend who, a very close friend of mine called Shane, who was a felt roofer. And we went to a party, this was in my heavy drinking days. I dropped him off. We dropped him off at his house.

Remember he stood on the lawn and drunk a whole bottle of blue nun wine. Just, puk. And that's how they recommend. Men, you serve it. Yeah, and I said... On a lawn. I said, off to bed now then. He said, no.

He said, I'm working. He said, I've got... The fans picking me up in an hour and a half. So, um, off, off, uh, off we went. And, um, obviously we had a designated driver. Can I make that clear? Yeah. He only had, like, three bottles.

So, um, this was, this was the, uh, 70s things were. We didn't know. Well, we knew, actually. We did now. But anyway. So, um, I, I went to the point. the following lunchtime. And the gaffer said,

you haven't got your mate, was you, have you? I said, no, he's at work. He said he isn't at work. He was in here earlier, he was in a right mess. And he'd fallen off the roof. Oh, no. And we got to this, because he was saying about the sharp man had gone into the pub,

and they said, your legs bleed, and they gave him a bandage. So I went and found my mate. He was in the next pub down the road, and he had fallen off the roof. And he'd got, They'd taken him to hospital and said, we're going to give you a tetanus injection, and he doesn't like injection, so he ran away.

But he was in there, he was sitting drinking, and his nose was, had moved about an inch and a half across his face, and he had three pieces of gravel stuck in his forehead. Like some terrible bindi. Oh, man, he was a hard man. And I find, even if you're not a hard man, blue non, it raises you up. Obviously, didn't raise him up. he fell. I like the idea that someone can fall off a roof and still be worried about an injection.

Yeah, exactly. And still got to the boff for 11. Yeah, he was a hard man. So, I went for a very lovely meal this week. I was bored. I was given a voucher for a restaurant. Group on, yeah? No, it was... No, he likes her luncheon vouchers, number of LVs. Oh, yes. Remember that, what was that woman? She was a madame.

Oh, Cynthia Payne. Cynthia Payne. Yes. I've got my photo. She was the ambassador for lunch and vouchers. She was. Anyway, so at the end of the last series of Room 101, my gift, my end of series gift,

which can I say, I didn't get one for my radio show. The rest is history this week because it's an Avalon production. I got nothing. Nevertheless. Exposed the innards, why don't you? Yes. But they, room 101, your manager's going to be sitting at home.

A hat trip production. They bought me a meal in a lovely restaurant and a tour of Q Gardens. Nice. That's a lovely gift. So we went, and I had pigeon as a starter. Oh, no. And you know what?

Was it a fixed menu? No, no. Did you have to? You feel a peckish. It was the best. I did that thing that Kath really hates. I sat down and I said, no, can we just establish one? thing. I'm not paying for this meal, am I?

You didn't say that? I did say that. So I can't enjoy a meal if I... I felt absolutely ill. Really? I'm just thinking I can write that up into my column. The pigeon was... Pennywise. Is it a little epiphany. No. Sorry. It's a pennywise moment, didn't it? I've found a new respect for pigeons.

Oh, pigeon pie is lovely, Frank. Oh, it fell off the bone. Oh, it does. It tends to... Honestly. I prefer it in the pie to inflight. I'm not lying. Well, it wasn't actually in a pie. It was... It was just there exposed. What, like pigeon what? Breast?

What did you have? Well, I couldn't, I couldn't tell. Pigeon leg? But I'm a big fan of... Pigeon meat? I'm eating a lot of grass-fed meat these days, but pigeons, they live off cabbs and bits of cake and litter, don't it? You do.

I went into a pub in Islington this week. Islington is an area of North London. I don't feel I should name the pub. Shall I like, no, probably. Probably a weather spoon is now in Mr Pennywise over again. Oh, it's funny, having a Vinto. No, it'll be one of those nice organic pubs, maybe. No, I'll tell you what it was organic.

I walked in there, immediately I walked in there, and I thought, what is that smell? Oh, no. And there was a dog in there. Were you on your own in this pub? No, no, I was with a group of work colleagues. Oh. And it must have been the management's dog

Because otherwise it would have been thrown out You know when a dog smells To the point where it gets on your chest a bit It was I'll tell you what it reminded me of I went to the Tyson Lewis fight in Memphis And after the fight There was a bit of an altercation in the crowd

And an American policeman released tear gas Which I thought was a bit of an overreaction But I always thought with tear gas that it just really hurt your eyes. But in fact, because I was quite near, I got a long full of it. It really, really hurts your throat and makes your cough, and it's terrible.

And honestly, this dog, I'd say, was worse. Really? What breed? Filsy. It was black. That's the only, that's all I can help you with. I don't have no breed. It could have been a white dog, and it was just that dirty. It's not how people say, what car is?

grey colour, silver grey. So it's a big black dog under, and honestly, how can that be allowed? What, the stench? Everyone had huddled at the very far wall away from it, and nobody was doing anything. It was a very British shoe. Like a tube with one of those people on it.

What did it smell of, just dog? Poisonous acrid cyclone B type. Vile filth is what it... The Guardian. That's my review. Do you know, that's ending up on someone's eyes down tonight? Have you thought of that? Oh.

Some poor woman sleeping with that. Well, I imagine if you live with it for a while, you just don't smelly. That's true. But, you know, you're still in, I... Honestly, it genuinely upset me. It's the worst thing of a smell of my life. Including tear gas.

I tell you what I haven't told you about. I went to the Game of Thrones premiere recently. I say Game of Thrones premiere. They actually have a premiere now, just for the episode, just to show the episode. Really? What, one episode? Yeah. So not like a premiere. Season four, Frankl hate me seeing season.

Season four, Epp one. Nice, industry, industry lingo, ep. Were you going to suggest that they should show the whole series at the premiere? Yeah, why not? Box it, whoa. 12 hours. Bring your sleeping bag. People just on the red carpet in their jogging bottoms.

That'd be good, wouldn't it? No? Case our listeners don't know. Game of Thrones is the... I'd say it's the soft porn Merlin. Everyone knows Game of Thrones, but are you? And your friends in it, and you still don't watch it. I started watching it.

Did you? My friend, Boz's Godfather, in fact, plays Lord Varis in it. But I really, really liked it. Oh. And I watched about seven episodes, and I thought this is great. And then something happened, and I missed a couple. And then you think, I'll catch up, and then... And you never do.

Suddenly there's five box sets ahead of you, you know what I mean? And it's daunting. It's too dear, isn't it? Yeah. I'm not thinking that. Actually, I've got... I've got... I've got...

I've got... I've got... ...so I can get the whole thing free. Well, I got... And you know someone who's in it could probably get their agent to send you a... So, we saw it. It was totes amaze. Went to the party afterwards.

And it was awful because they had a VIP area in the middle of the party. You found that all. I tell you what I found awful. It was a bit Marianto-Air, it was a bit French Revolution. Because it was just a little rope. And everyone was staring at you while you drank the champagne and they had the warm wine. So you were sort of adjacent to the people in the non-rearch. No, not adjacent, like a boxing, like in the centre, so people could look at you.

It was awful. What about when I went to Stringfellos with Jonathan Ross, David Bredin. You know we're on air. You know we're on air for that story, don't you? We had our partners with us. Okay. So we had our partners and there was me, David Badeil, Mark Lamar, I think, Jonathan Ross, face because anyway we turned on 1996 it was it was packed and um and peter stringfellow just

went over to this full table of people and says come on move you can have to move you're going to have to move and they all got off the table and he sat us down and he put a velvet rope thing around the table did it oh god it's awful it's awful but you're right i did love it anyway i got chatting i love not having to stand i love obviously i got chatting to one of the actors from the show. Lovely chap, John. He plays Samwell, just if anyone's fan out there. Samwell District Council.

No. So his name. He's a very good actor, actually. But I was talking to him. Turns out, he's a massive fan of the show. He listens to the show all the time. He's a fan of yours, Frank. He was chatting you up.

No, he was early. He was lovely. But he said at one point he said, oh, well, he said, Frank, Frank doesn't like him at Twaintyman. He likes Merlin, doesn't he? I have never been so embarrassed. Merlin being discussed. I don't think it's an either or.

It shouldn't be either or, shouldn't. I am glad he brought up early. So there I am in the VIP area talking to my new friend from Game of Thrones. In the VIP boxing ring, the middle of the room. And the VIP cage, I'm calling it. And then a man comes over to start to talk to him. Can I say to put this in perspective? I met Daniel O'Donnell on third half.

Now a name drop in. That's the best name drop you've ever done. I was happy. Yeah, so, he starts talking. We're talking. And then this other man comes over, who's some producer man. And you know, when you get frozen out entirely of the conversation, I felt like a spare part.

I was like a spear carer standing there. Very sure business, though. I was just, I was gone. That was it. I was out. So I was angry with the producer man. Yeah. And he was talking, saying, you're coming on the show next week.

So I was just in the middle of it. I don't know why I did this, Frank. I said, he said, oh, this is Emily, John said. And I said, and I said, yeah, I'm his agent. Why did I say that? Why did I say that, Frank? I felt sick thinking about it. There was silence, no laughter, no laughter at all.

The man, producer, man went, oh, great, well, it's really good to meet you, because I wanted to talk to you about a couple of appearances we're doing. Actually, I know he's at a moment. No, he didn't do it. No, he carried on talking, and I said, actually, I just lied. It was awful. And then my new friend from Game of Thrones said, yeah, it was actually very funny, Emily, but the trouble is their timing's everything, isn't it?

Oh, oh. Oh, it was terrible. I'm going to leave the material to you two now. What you should have done is carried on and hammered out a really good deal for that. Oh, yeah, for John. And then maybe you'd be married by now. You'd be his agent, like Joe Buggner's wife used to be his manager. Remember Joe Bugner's wife?

She'd have slotted into Dr. Monti Antionter's. Like Sharon Osborne? I could be like that. You could, yeah. Anyway, so I humiliated myself terribly. It was worse than liking Merlin. It's good, though. It's a good light.

What about this? My girlfriend had got a really horrible cold. Really, it was, it was, it might have been worse than a cold. It's saying we were a bit worried it was something else. And she was, she was just going out or going up to bed early because she felt. And she came over to give me a sort of kiss good night. And as she came, she went, right into my mouth. I mean, right, I felt it hit the back of my tonsils.

And I said that's probably the most efficient passing on of bacteria. you could do is to cough in someone's mouth. And she said, no, don't be ridiculous. Next morning, I welcome, I felt absolutely terrible. So if you're wondering how to pass on your bacteria to loved ones, that is the answer. We've taken all that radio show, wasn't going to be a bed in and tightening.

It feels like a backward step-pipe. Finding things quite frightening.