The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Pickling

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

We've reached 2013 for our radio best bits with Frank, Emily and Alun. Frank has another incident in a taxi and has made a weird comment in a shop. Emily has had a FaceTime blunder and the team discuss Monopoly. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I think we're also on Facebook, MySpace. I'm on LinkedIn if you really want to dig deep. Friends Reunited as well. I'm on under Oldbury Technical School if you want to go in deep on that one. Don't think there's a photograph. There is some photographs of me, but not from school. Weird. I think that's about all the social networking you can get us on.

Bebo. It's something called Bebo. No, but there's Pinterest and Tumblr. You haven't even gone there. No. And I'm on Grindr. Get over it. So, welcome to old listeners who've lived through the winter.

When you say welcome to old listeners who've lived through the winter, that sounds like it's the title of the show. Welcome to old listeners who've lived through the winter. Oh, God, yeah, actually, I thought I've got the wrong script. Hold on. That's the thing I'm doing on Five Live. but caring the community. That could have been for a difficult morning.

Yeah, and if there's any new listeners, it gets better than this. Come, come back. We're... Oh, usually. I've gone to capital. They don't want to do that to you. It's rubbish.

Thanks. So, I hear what I've noticed, as we move into a new year, 2013, unlucky for some, if you know what I'm saying. is, it doesn't seem to be those conversations that one normally has this time of the year about what people's New Year's resolutions are. Is it dying out the New Year's resolution?

Oh, I see what you mean. I've had a few of those conversations. Perhaps I just... Well, that was in your weekly meeting. I blame the Mayan civilization. People weren't looking ahead. They all thought it was going to end. This is the year we don't need one.

So, you know, the world didn't end on the 21st of December, and people have had to scrape together some last-minute resolutions. I haven't given it the normal thought. But no, no one's, I don't know. Have you guys made any? I've got a couple. That wasn't like a radio question, I honestly don't know. That wasn't like Des O'Connor.

I couldn't possibly sing. Dez O'Connor, you say things like, so you've had a bit of trouble with your neighbours. Like you'd say that out the blue. What do you mean you want me to do them my troublesome neighbours material? Why don't you just say that? Why don't you say, do you troublesome neighbours material? And I'll be like the audience and laugh and you do the material.

I've got a few, Frank. Troublesome neighbours? No, resolutions. A proper ones? Yes. Okay. My first one is I'm going to do what I call a bit more of a skinner in the mornings, which is... Oh, dear, it's been embarrassing.

Do I even remember telling her about that? No. Is a skinner a euphemism, what is this? Well, it doesn't involve the... Calvin Classics. What it involves is jumping out of bed, don't hit the snooze button, basically. No. Phone at the other end of the room and get out in three strides or less. Three actions, I'm sorry. Duvei off, one foot out, press the alarm off.

I do a little count to myself. Do you? I go 10, 9, 8, 765, 4, 3 to 1 and then I have to get up or I'll have a heart attack. It's a bit thunderbirds. That's what I've told myself that if I don't get off, I'll have a heart attack and die at It'll be my own thought. And is your alarm set every day for a particular time every day? Do you have it?

No. Right. What do you think I have a knock case? I set it for when I need to get up that day. If I don't need to get up. Sometimes I don't even set it at all. That's how I live my life. How exciting.

Yeah. And also, Frank, I'm going to, I think, on the, I'm getting a bit skinner now. I'm going to have four days off alcohol every week. That makes it sound that I've got a problem. A dream of four days off. Yeah. Well, actually, I dream of three days on. I think I once read that Melvin Bragg takes the first seven days of every month off alcohol.

Yeah? I mean, Frank has really taken you and raised you on that. 25 years and counting, isn't it? That's a big chunk. I'm warranting now. So does that mean for the rest of the month, Melvin Bragg is drinking like a wild map? Yeah, I think so. I think that's the general idea.

This means you have got some, Frank. I think it's a good thing to do. What have you got? I try to move mine around a bit, so I do them at other times in the year. I'll tell you something that happened to me, though, on the subject of New Year's, get this. Yesterday, I was writing the date down, and instead of 2013, I wrote 2012, I wrote 2012. No. Like it was...

You glittery idiots. You know, if you put that in a sitcom... People would think it was too far-fetched. They wouldn't accept it. You should save that for your Des Conner appearance. Oh, man. I'm thinking I might start pickling my own herring. Oh, yeah.

As a New Year's resolution. It's a bit ipson. I had pickled herring over the Yuletide season, as I suppose we all did. Was it a roll mop or just the standard pickled herring? No, it wasn't. It was, I was worried about the staking. of the roll mop that I might, it might get to the roof of my mouth.

Inadvertive that eat a wooden stick. Yeah. But it's brilliant, Pickleteering. It's one of the best things. I'd put it ahead of the National Health Service as things that I really, really love. And I'm thinking, I'm coming to the process a bit late, though. You know, it's already done.

I'm like, you know, if it used to this, the jokes about the Americans entering World War II a bit like. That's how I am with pickled herring. Yeah, it's like to be there. I don't really know what the pickling process is, so I'm going to look into it, and I'm going to pickle my own herring in 2013. Okay. If anyone tunes into that now, that it's not a euphabism. Yeah, and I'll let you know where that goes, because I don't think it's just about putting it in vinegar. I think there's some other spices and things going on there.

No, I think there is more to it, yeah. But, you know, last year was sort of the year that baking became cool. I think it's going to set as a year of the herring and I missed it. No, I think last year was the year. There'll be a national herring week. Last year was a year of baking, but I think this year could well have a gap there. It could be a pickling year.

I think of myself as someone who's slightly ahead of the... You're definitely ahead of the curve, on the pickling, definitely. I do. I think this time next year, I'm going to play this bat when there's like the Great British Pickling TV show and stuff. Everyone will be pickling, herring like there's no tomorrow. But I've got other, I've got an ecological resolution because I think we should all, you know,

do our bit. We should all do our bit. I'm thinking, and I can't believe no one's ever thought this before, I'm only going to flush the toilet last thing for I go to bed. Oh, disgusting. Well, I've never been round to your place, but I'm not so keen now. Why? Well, it's going to smell like a festival, isn't it? I don't think it's going to smell as bad as the degree.

quaying corpses of polar bears, if you don't mind me saying. Have you got them in your flat as well? Well, we all will if we don't do something soon. They're quite aggressive anyway. Just leave it. I don't think the polar bears are going to get to London. Mind you, you're close to the Tens, aren't you? No, but you see, it's all...

This is how it starts. Some people say, oh no, don't recycle, it's not worth it. Oh, no, I just flush your toilet when you feel like it. Next thing, you know, end of the world. Well, why don't you just... Why don't we meet halfway where instead of just flushing right at the end of the day, you only flush on solids? That's like camping rules or something.

This is nice. Yeah, I don't know. I'm so glad I came back to this. No, I didn't bring it up with, I didn't stop liking it down into categories. Faking it down. To me it was the toilet. It was an abstract world, the toilet. I don't like ecology either.

No. You don't like ecology? No, anything environment or ecology. I know what you mean. It's a bit junior school project. It is, isn't it? It's pictures on. the wall of the earth. I'm all for saving the planet

but it's exactly it's the approach that's made in the way it's done. We need to do it in a slightly more chic way. Yeah. Has Alan got any your resolutions? Yeah, I'm going to get my ears widened. You know those big circles that the youth get? Oh yeah? I've always fancied it. I think I'll look good

and nothing, you know, it's time to do. Yeah, these are my headphones. Oh, those are your headphones? Oh, actually, yeah, I work in radio, so the wound will probably put me off the show for a couple of weeks. going to go. As big as, I'd say like a, probably a petri dish size.

Are you going sting size? That'd be good. We could meet up for table tennis. You can just sort of toss your head and hit a return. During the show, I could take, while we've got the long songs on, I could take my headphones off and you could flick balls of paper through there or something like little basketball game. I don't think you're sincere about this.

Well, tune in next week. Okay. I'd love to see you with those. That'd be brilliant. Probably not going to get that done. I know people that can help out with the surgery, just let me know. But see, this is what I mean. It seems for Alan doesn't have a proper resolution.

I've got two, actually. I've got two proper resolutions. Otherwise, there's any listeners that have got an interesting resolution that's a bit unusual, not just like lose weight, stop drinking, stop, you know, hitting people. Then send that in because I... I've got a good tip for people that haven't got a resolution. I think if you're like a neutral, can I just suggest looking where you're going? because a lot of people seem to have lost that skill

and if you haven't got a New Year's resolution, just take that and the world will be a better place. I don't know if I agree with it. I think they do look, but I think people are so insecure in their lives that they think if I move slightly for this person, somehow I've lowered myself. Yeah, it's a low status move.

So every time you pass someone, it's a confrontation to prove your worth. Yeah, but I bet Bruce Lee steps out of the way for people. You don't need to feel like it. Well, exactly. He didn't need to prove his work, did he? Exactly. Let's all just be a bit more. Anyway. And let's all be a bit more like Bruce Lee.

My New Year's resolution, I'm going to tell you it, not really the years widened, because I think that will hamper my actual New Year's Resolution, is, um, last year yours was the water this year, 2013, for Alan Cochran is going to be the year of the sleep. I'm going to prioritise sleep. I'm going to have some really big sleeps. What kind of a new year's resolution is that? It's a good resolution.

I'm going to do less, is your New Year's Resolution? I'm going to do more sleeping. It's like having this conversation with a bear. It's going to be good. It's going to be a great year. You know those sleep... That's not a resolution. It's probably for something you strive for.

More sleep. Exactly. I'm striving for more sleep. I'm going to prioritise sleep. I'm going to go to bed that half an hour earlier instead of staying up and shouting at Question Time or BBC 3. Oh, God forbid you should learn something. What? BBC 3.

You won't learn anything from Question Time. I do. I thought you were very good on it, actually. I think it would be great. You know those big sleeps where you feel like you've properly pressed your reset button? I feel like you, Frank Skinner, have those every single night because you prioritise sleep. Not with buzz, surely.

I woke up now, yeah. I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Me too. It's been a bad start to my resolution. Did you go to Sophisticats, Frank? I've told you to stop doing that name. You've got kiddie. It makes me ill.

I lay awake thinking about stuff, But I didn't think about pressing stuff or anything that was worrying me. I just thought about very general things I'd seen on the telly, what I might wear today. Stuff. I mean, the most mundane stuff, but it kept me away for two hours. It's kind of like small talk insomnia. I know those moments.

Sometimes you just think, okay, I could try and get back to sleep, but I wouldn't mind just having a bit of a think in the dark. I love a think in the dark. Yeah, how often do we have a think in the dark nowadays? Too often, I might mind worse. Yeah, some people only think in the dark. And that's why they won't move out the way. Now, I'm going to tell you something which you might think is made up,

but I swear on all that is sacred, this is absolutely true. I was in a car the other day, a mini-cap, and the driver said to me, I like you very much. Oh, I don't like the way this is going. Here we go. Were you in the front seat? No, no, I was on his lap. No, and he was in the back seat with me.

Now, he said, I know I like you very much. He said, ever since I came to this country from, I think it was Egypt somewhere. And he said, you know, when I first came to this country, I watched you all the time. And I thought, oh, that's, you know, lovely. And he said, he said a lot of the programs now, you know, they're not good. He said, I, you know, I go to work and I come home, you know, for a laugh, and there are no laughs, he said. I thought, well, you know, I'm still on. I thought he means apart from me, is what he mean.

Anyway, I was sort of basking in this praise. And then he said to me, do you ever see the lady who played Betty? And in a weird string of mistakes, he'd read Frank Skinner on his chitty. Taking that as Frank Spencer, which is one mistake. Assume Frank Spencer was the name of the person in the show and not in the show. Anne thought it was me. You were wearing a beret and a raincoat, belt tight, you belted it. Okay, yeah, I know.

but so anyway I texted Michelle Detrice and said guess what but then he went on about he said because you know nowadays the modern comedians they're you know they're rubbish and I'm thinking oh god and I couldn't tell him obviously he didn't mention Frank Skinner did he

no no he didn't if he'd meant I assumed he'd never heard of me but I was almost tempted to start going to try to help him out a bit you know ooh hmm But you should have said to him, you've done a bit of a whoopsie here. You're going to a little bit of trouble.

You're in a bit of trouble. And then about, I suppose about four days later, I went into a, I parked somewhere and realised that the parking was on till 10 o'clock at night rather than six. Oh, I ate that. So I thought I got no change. So I went into a shop. I always buy a pint of milk when I need change. So I think you'll drink milk.

It won't be wasted milk. No. And in the boot of the car nowadays, it's like, like a small fridge. So I went in the shop and the, I noticed that obviously I paid cash to get changed, but the woman had got one of those pin machines, you know, chipping pins. Oh, yeah. Still big, aren't they?

Oh, they're very big. They're still big. They're like a 1980s calculator. We'll look back at those chipping pins and say, do you remember when chiff and pins were, before they became vapour? Yeah. And then were those big, chunky things. Anyway, hers was pink, shocking pink.

She was a woman, I'd say, in her late 40s, early 50s. And I said, well, you've got a very feminine machine. And she looks at me, honestly, in absolute... It's quite an odd thing to say, pain. Well, I just meant that she had a... But I don't know what she thought I was talking about, but she looked genuinely affronted. And I couldn't see any way out of it.

What was under the counter? I should have said, who better? A lady on his door. Oh, man, it was terrible. I mean, what could I have meant? Oh, you've got a very... If you would like to take a stab at what? It could have meant.

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Oh, okay. It's what it is. Because they've had the top smoothed. That's quite a job doing your windows, though, that great height. Yeah, what kind of Christmas tip today again? From me? Nothing. Anyway, the thing is that they just dangle, they're doing their cleaning,

and I get about my business, and that's the deal. One never acknowledges it. them. Right. Because otherwise, once you've said hello, they're there for like, you know, what do you do then? We should say two-thirds of your apartment is window, virtually. Yeah. Is that right? So anyway, I was aware of him at the core of my eye, and then he, uh, Frank, and the double thumbs up. No. So I thought, what you've done? You started that, though, didn't you? You started that move, the double thumbs up.

I don't know if I started it, but I certainly popularised it in the 90s. But he, I thought what you've done is broken the Fourth War, the classic theatre rule. Yes. And then I was still making my breakfast and stuff, and he was hanging there. And I knew he was there, and I knew he, it was like being on Big Brother. Oh, yeah. But in sort of live, the live tour of Big Brother.

Without the fee. Without the fee, yeah, just the humiliation. and the sense of being, I could feel any boring holes in my back with these probing eyes. And it was, I couldn't have, you know, when you're driving, you realise there's a police car behind and you can't drive it off. I felt that the sandwich I made was slipshod. You lost your mojo, Frank. You know, the squares weren't quite aligned of the two slices of bread. And they were a bit off-kilter.

Did you put all the ingredients that you'd plan to put in there? I don't know. My mind was a whirl. And suddenly you were going, there's just lettuce in here. In the end, I just want to eat this. I'm a little bit of Piccoli. I just want to legitimise leaving the room.

And when you're mid-sand-sand-a-sand-you-can-storm out the room. So I had to sit and eat the sandwich. And I never looked at him again, but I knew he was looking at me. I couldn't swallow. I could have removed. The self-consciousness was crippling me. And for what? Frank.

Can we move over to my feminine machine temporarily? You're not alone, as I believe the late Michael Jackson once sung, because I had a bit of an embarrassing moment this week. Well, are you familiar with the option called FaceTime on an iPhone? Yes. Okay, so we should just explain that sort of like a video conversation that you can have. It's very sci-fi. It means you can talk.

I always thought for every phone would be like it by this. stage. When I used to watch Tomorrow as well as a child, if you'd have said to me you'll be doing a radio show in 2013, I would imagine myself arriving by Hovercar. It's not the case. But yeah,

so that I thought, that video... Not by a man who thinks you're Frank Spencer. Exactly. FaceTime, I've never done it. Well, no, I haven't, and I'll tell you what, Frank. Apparently it's used mainly by couples for intimate moments. Oh, you are? No. Having a love.

No. That's, I don't know, I couldn't put a figure on it, but I'm going to go 88% of people that use it, use it for intimate moments. Oh, you see, no, I don't want to use it. Yeah. Me neither. However, the fact that it's called FaceTime. I went to ring Daisy the producer this week and was juggling my phone betwixt ear and shoulder in a sort of urban, multitasking way. You can actually do that. I've never managed to do that ever. Well, I didn't pull it off very successfully. I'll tell you why. Because I realized, instead of calling Daisy, I was requesting a FaceTime moment with Lee Mack, I realized. What? Yeah. I suddenly realized, I went, no!

So he would have heard me request it, and then I just pressed stop. So he, Lee Mack has a requested FaceTime miss call from me on his phone. Unless he got back to you. No, which is a bit more to Picardo. I imagine he's got queuing on his FaceTime. I'd like to apologise Tiger Wood style to Lee Mack. Yeah. I feel very ashamed of that.

So you've never FaceTime. But you've got to... So you and I could FaceTime. Oh, God. No, I mean, you know, let's drag it back into respectable society FaceTime. Should we do it? I've never done it. Let's do it.

Why not? I like the idea of being out of seeing someone you're speaking to. You're in the same room. It's not as exciting, though, is it? I meant with the aid of technology. Oh, okay. Yeah. I hadn't thought of that.

I keep persuaded my... girlfriend to get an iPhone. Oh no. No, I mean, so we can, you know, we can have nice face-to-face conversations when I'm away. And she said the trouble is with iPhones, you get mocked for them. Well, I mean, that's not still true, is it? I haven't been since I had one, no. No, but you're a big man with a beard. I can sound like Brian Blessed. It doesn't have a hint. There's a Brian Blessed in Embryo, four. You can imagine that. I've actually, I've got a somewhere of Brian blessed an embryo form. But obviously, I can't put that on the website for legal reasons.

Can you tell I can't find the button? You could if he was on FaceTime. We should discuss Monopoly. You know the board game, Monopoly? Yeah. You know the little pieces. What, the assets acquiring and money-based game, Alan? Yeah, yes.

Oh, I thought you'd be a fan of that. Yes. It's my little reputation. Yes. It's a monopoly. From Hasbro. Hasbro. I have often thought it seems wrong to me that only one company is allowed to make monopoly.

Oh yeah. They should speak to the Monoplies and Mergers Commission, shouldn't you? About that. I love it when you do your material. It's good, that's clever. So they're discussing the possibility of changing one of the pieces, and they're asking people which one would they like to update. But I had forgotten what pieces were in there.

Well, I could remember dog boot thing, car. Can I just say, I can guess. You know when you play it, you tend to have your favourite piece, don't you? You're loyal to. I can guess what you are. Can you? I think Frank would go for, they have a little boot, which is a bit depression era. Yeah. Yes. And quite man of the people. And I think that would fit in with Frank's persona. Right. I think. I've used a boot before now. Oh, I knew you would have thanked for Angela's Ashes that boot. I like it. Yeah. I think it's a bit early Chaplin. But yeah, but carry on. I've used the thimble as well. Have you, Frank? I used

a thimble. A bit of a feminine machine. What am I find? You've got a very feminine machine. Have you heard of a Scottish, have you heard of a Scottish, have you heard of a Scottish finger time they have on thimbles, apparently. Oh. So, oh, I think I get it. Have you heard of Actually, Murray, the Scottish comic. He tells the story about it. He stayed in Diggs. You know, in the landlady, he was very, very skimpy, and he got one half-half slice of toast in the morning and stuff for breakfast.

So one morning, like day four of staying there, he asked if he could have honey the next day. And she was a bit grumpy about it. But when he got up the next one, there was honey on the table, but it was in her thimble. That's so small. And he said to her, Oh, I see you keep a B.

So fabulous. So the thimble always represents that fabulous story to me. But you are right. I do go for the book generally. You see, I'd see out. They used to have a sack of money, but I think they faced that out. That'll be out. Or the Scotty dog, maybe.

He's a dog. Can you guess what I'd go for? I think mine's really obvious. Is yours? I think ruling classes. Sports car? No, I go for the top hat. Oh, I like the top hat.

It's a nice weight to it, isn't it? I love that. I did. There was an iron. Do you remember that? Yeah. And my mom, when I was a kid, we had, she had one of those metal ions. Oh, yeah.

And that's what, that was the iron that she used. So if she had iron in to do, she'd put this metal lion on the cooker, on the gas ring and heat it. Obviously, it was really, really red hot. And then iron with it. And also, she used it as a doorstop. Did she? And when my dad came back from the pub with a coconut. Which he often did.

Did he? Yeah. I don't know why. He'd often return with a coconut. We lived in Barbados today. We was, my mother was the cleaner for Ian Fleming at Golden Eye. Oh, of course, yeah.

And I love the books and all that, and we always got the latest one at Christmas sign. But he was a tough task, masker, I have to say. I'm not saying he hit her, but he shoved her about a bit. But, you know, those were different times. There was the time my dad was going up the house, and he said, yeah, he said, I'll give him a 0-0-07, he said. O-O-7? Yeah.

I mean, I don't know what he meant by it. I think there was, it was going to. And my mum said, oh, no, you know, we don't have to move out of the servants' quarters and that, so we didn't go. But, yeah, that was the iron. What was we talking about? Monopoly. So the monopolies. So they're phasing one out.

Now, odds are at the moment that it's going to be the wheelbarrow. Because people don't have much call to use a wheelbarrow. It's the least popular. I was forgotten there. In the time of recession, you don't use a wheelbarrow that often. Daisy, our producer, was saying that a little earlier. She's looking, she's gone white in the face thinking, what was I saying earlier? She's FaceTimely.

Apparently this is, she was listening to Jeff Lloyd, and he was saying that this is the weekend where most people give up on their New Year's resolutions. Oh. And I'd hear something that's happened to me is I've, and this has never happened to before, I've accidentally fallen into a New Year's resolution. I've done something every day this year and it only just struck me yesterday. And that is I've eaten lemon curd.

Oh. And every day of 2013. I describe that as a New Year's Resolution. It's an accident, it's in reverse. I'm thinking now, I might as well make it a New Year's resolution. Make it a year. It's going a lot better than the herring pitch. I thought the idea that you have a fortnight's worth of lemon currant.

I'll make a year of it. Well, it seems a shame to stop now. I know the day I decide to stop, the come 10 to midnight, I'm going to panic and be racing over to the fridge for that, you know, for the job. What do you have it with, Frank? Is it with... I have it on a crisp bread. Oh, lovely.

Yeah. And I tell you what I do, what about this? I don't put butter on. I just get the crisp bread, and I'm just straight on. I'm just straight on with the lemon curd, because lemon curd contains butter, why gild the lily? Can I,

can I make a suggestion? Yeah. What is it serving suggestion? Straight on to pickled herring. You kill two birds with one. You and anything picky in it. You see that? That'd be horrible.

I was watching over Christmas celebrity mastermind, and I've also been watching the odd, pointless celebrities, as they call it. Yeah. Which is the pointless. Why is it that celebrity programmes have to be, the questions have to be a lot easier.

Seems to be a suggestion that celebrities are not as bright as the standard member of the public. Yes, I would agree with you. Mastermind, some of the, I mean, it's like, you know, when you play darts and there's like an 11-year-old and you let them stand a bit closer to the board, that's how celebrities are, they're treated like glittering falls. Frank, when they do texting questions on daybreak,

and they say, what is the capital of France, Is it a Paris B cabbage? No, it's not just to make loads of those. Is it that? No, but they're always like eight quid to text in, and that's why that's all. No, it is definitely based on the belief that celebrities are not so bright.

And I find that... Largely true. No, I don't really know that many. I wonder if it's largely true. I would exclude you from that because you've got a big old brain, haven't you, a lot of areas of interest. You've got what I'd call a hinterland.

Oh, okay. That's what you're getting at in it, really. I mean, you'd love to go on there and just wipe the floor on the proper. No, I'm thinking now, if I'm going to go on, I'm just going to join in. I'm going to do the Queen's Christmas message. Right. Because people do really small things. People do like Wind in the Willows and the Great Gatsby.

Who did Friends season one and two? The questions would be... Really? Yes, someone did. The questions would be, who hosted the Queen's... Christmas message. What season? A, the Queen, B, cabbage. Yeah, what season was the message

delivered at? If there was a king, what would the Queen's Christmas message be called? That's the sort of level we're working at. Someone texted in with the answers. Frank, Stephen K.A. Mosted 5 star. I'm just putting that out there. Did they?

5 star. That was his special subject on Mastermind. And My Lane Class was Sex in the City series two. I mean, can that be right? Anyway, that's this week's texting. Our celebrity is stupid. Someone has texted in 851 has texted in,

I would say that the questions are a bit easier because that enables them to raise more money for the charities. Hadn't thought of that? Did you thought of that? I hadn't thought of that, but why not just give them money to charity and not waste us with the whole squalid pantomime? You need an element of jeopardy in there.

I agree, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. I think you want the people from the charity sitting on the edge of their seats when you start gambling recklessly. Thanks for pointing that out, 851, but you do strike me as a little bit neighbourhood watch.

I'm just saying that. Well, I think it's a good point, and I thank 851 from the bottom of my heart. Anyway, so look, I went to the T.S. Eliot Awards, which is like a poetry thing. Sure up about it. Nice. Yeah, and it was a lovely night out.

and I thought, I'll get myself in the interval, I'll go and get some ice cream. So she said, there's chocolate strawberry or vanilla bean. And I said, vanilla bean. No. Vanilla bean, ice cream. And I said, I've never heard of that before. Isn't that Courtney Lost, Charles? But I went on and on and on about, that's, what a weird.

I've got to try that just to see what it's like. And I realised after, because I was basically talking about vanilla ice cream, which is not that unusual. But they've called it vanilla bean? Vanilla bean, yeah. Because I'm aware of the vanilla pod, the actual pot, you know, like in real life. This is from a different part of the vanilla thing. I've never heard of a vanilla bean. I would have been confused like you were.

She looked at me. The way Mindy used to look at more, when it'd say, an armchair. It was like, like, I mean, like, she looked at me like, like, she looked at me like, I was a bit troubled. Mmm. Oh. It was, but it tasted like vanilla ice cream. Yeah. Yes, it would do that, darling.

So the bean and the pod are different things. Oh, you know the people are texting. And never the twain shall meet. People are texting explaining what the vanilla thing is. Good, I want to know. Good, yeah. Well, the bean is inside the pod, presumably. Presumably.

I don't know. 8, 12, 15. Okay. That's how they can tell us. Yeah, you text us on 81215 about the difference between a vanilla bean and a vanilla pod and their general relationship to each other. Can I just say don't text us about essence? We're not interested in vanilla essence today.

We know about that. Well, I'm not interested in any kind of essence today. We have an email from a lady called Sophie. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. I keep seeing random shoes on the road, mostly fast roads, sort of abandoned. How do they get there? Whenever I see them, I always wonder, and my imagination. Runs away with me. I've settled on the theory that lots of people hang their legs out of the car window and their shoes fall off. Or...

What, their indicators are broken. Yeah. Yeah. These people have all got cruise control, presumably. Yeah, exactly. Or they have suitcases on their roof rack and the zip brakes and their shoes fall out. But just their shoes, mind. I was the roof rack in this day and age. I was thinking of getting a roof rack, you know, one of those top boxes.

Get a people carrier. Such a dork, aren't I? I'm thinking of having something fitted under the car. Oh yeah, yeah. It's a bit more private. Enjoy the speed bumps. Are I overlooking a much simpler reason for shoes on the road? Sophie.

Yes, you are. The fact is, Sophie, we're all living, I think we can now be revealed. We're all living in an enormous game of Monopoly, by God. Oh, it's a Jacqueline boot. I've noticed some cars on the side of the road. as well. Have you some irons as well, old-fashioned irons, not many irons, but quite a lot of cars, and one or two shoes, and some dogs. There's a huge terrier just off the M1.

There is. A Yorkshire bit. No, I, um, I mean, it could be, um, newlyweds going over rough terrain. You think? Well, that's true. What, what do you think it is? Well, Snow White is a high-mile-age driver. No, not Snow White, Cinderella.

Oh, that ruined my own joke there, didn't I? No, no, no, we're still with you. Yeah, well, that's nice, but... No, no, come on. I've done it. I've done it. Oh, you actually did it. You know, Cinderella leaves a shoe behind, don't she? Oh, God, that leaves a shoe behind.

Yeah, stop it, it's a slipper. When I said I was with you, that was then, this is there. I hated that, 18 seconds. Wow, do you know what I think it is? What do you think it is? I think maybe, men sometimes, they're not the cleanest. And sometimes it can get a bit odorous. Maybe the smell gets so overwhelming.

argument, a family argument, and they end up having to throw it out the window. A shoe. I tell you what I am, I am very impressed by. And that is the trainers, they're usually trainers, training shoes, knotted at the laces, thrown over a telegraph wire. Oh yeah, isn't that like a code? Is it? Isn't it like a street code for, um, you know, some swingers thing? Someone naughty. No, some guy that will sell illegal substances lives there or something. Really? I think so, yeah. Oh, I love how vague he's pretending to. be he knows exactly what this code is. Come on Frank, surely you've seen it on the wire box sets. No, I am. I certainly didn't happen in Merlin. My lickers they didn't have few laces.

They just had like pointy slippers. Nice. Well, and obviously didn't have telegraph wires, so I must you point that out. What do they have in Merlin? Magic. Gruel and fur cloaks. They have magic. But, um, no, well, I've never heard that before. I hate that. That can't be true. Because what, if you, that means if you're some sort of, if you deal in the substances business, you'd have to get a job next to a telegraph wires.

That's what they do. That's how they choose their homes. They walk around flats being shown around them by a state agent. I mean, is that a, is that a section on Zoupla? It's cold, Franks, Christmas, radio days, I don't mean days as in stupor. Getting ready for a week So this is a take not a blue girl Getting ready for a game

means being ready for anything Like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember 988, Canada's Suicide Crisis Hubline. It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder anytime. 988 Suicide Crisis Hubline is funded by the government in Canada.

Thank you.