The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: Pilkunviilaaja

Episode Date: September 23, 2026

This week the gang discuss Frank on Good Morning Britain, punny restaurant names and being a pilkunviilaaja.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Meading! Meadig! Part of the Beast is the must-see adventure of the year. It's just you and me, boy. One of the most extraordinary on-screen brunt you'll ever see. I'll get you home. Brad Pitt. Part of the Beast. September 25th. Get tickets now. Frank Stingers Radio.

Found an email entitled Just Derserts that I think you may be interested in. Oh, yes. That won't be up my strata. I thought you may be interested and also slightly disappointed to know that there is a restaurant in Hitch in Hertfordshire called Just Desserts, which only sells puddings. It's a lovely little bistro-style restaurant, and they offer a range of waffles, crepes, Sundays and cakes,

and is open during the day and also evenings. It's a favourite place for me to visit with my three-year-old son, but also my girlfriends, that's from Kerry. Well, can I say, Kerry, I believe the title I suggested, was Frank Skinner's Just desserts. Can I say that even when you open a restaurant, you're referring to it as the title? Okay.

As opposed to the name of the shop. I suppose that's true. But thanks, Kerry. I just knew the bit... I did offer alternatives. I remember... I remember... Je Sue.

Yes, I remember that I was so busy being sick, I can't remember now. I'm wishingly reopened Pandora's box. Yeah, thanks for that, Alan. But if they know anyone out there knows a je suis... Do you let me know... Genuinely upsetting me. Let me know where that is. But thanks, Kerry, for joining in, as ever.

And I'm a bit more... about you taking your three-year-old to a place that only sells desserts. Maybe they go somewhere else first. I think it's the way he sounds so pleased with himself when he says sweets. Maybe they go to a place that only does starters, and then a place that does main courses. They do like a little restaurant crawl. A starter's place would be a good idea.

Isn't the starter always the best bit of the meal? What about zero carb zero in my restaurant? Oh, I can't go. Oh, that's a good one. Yes. Yeah, what could the starter one be called? I don't know. What's French for...

Orderve? Orderve, yeah. Yeah. I'm surely you two can do something with that. I just can't. You can't top your sweets. I've got other stuff to do. You know what I'm saying? What, what, pray?

She's got a lot of deadlines. Yeah, I mean, I'm swamped by deadlines. I like doing Good Morning Britain. I think it's going to be an enormous hit. What about that? GMB, that's what Alan called it. I don't know what people are mad. It's a bright, though.

It's a bright experience. Can I just ask? Please tell me you didn't wear those dusty shoes. No, I didn't wear the dusty shoes. I felt a bit drab, though, because apparently, so I heard they've had American breakfast TV advisors in on how to do a breakfast TV show. Have they? And one of those things they said is, you know, bright, bright, bright, the set's got to be bright. And the females in particular have to wear bright clothes. Oh, you can't wear monochrome, yeah.

I was going to wear some, you know, children's TV presenters, yellow don'tgary. Oh, what if I'd turned up in now? Oh, you wouldn't have looked remotely. Well, Susanna Reid wore bright yellow dress. And looked amazing. And I think that it's sort of, it's all like psychological one. Because mornings are, you know, sort of yellow, because it's the sun and, you know, the yolk of the egg.

And also, I think, that first stare into the toilet bowl. Yeah. Mornings are yellow. That's how we see them. And I think that's what they were trying to wake her. Although I must say, and I'm not one to complain, if you know. But you'd think one thing The very idea

No you'd think that a breakfast Shall be able to do breakfast That's all I'm saying Well that's all I'm saying Well no Actually it's not all I'm saying What did you get then I ask for bacon on brown

And I got sausage on white I mean come on That can be more wrong Did you complain Frank I did I complained in that I'm not really complaining Type of complaining

You know I mean You said Look I can't You know it's not a big deal But But I did ask for I mean it's not

Honestly I'm fine with this But it's a bit weird that I asked for bacon on brand and I got sauce. You know that kind of complaint? Yes, I do. I invented it. Oh, did you? Well, sorry, I'll send you the... Just invoice me.

But it was... And also the goodie bag. There's a goodie bag on GMB. Bill Oddy with a tank top. It was... The goodie bag... I always get excited about a goodie bag, is you know. It was aromatic candle.

Oh, lovely. It's not very morning. No. It's the evening. It's not very morning. It is at that. What did you want your gift to be morning themed? Yeah, I wanted, you know, an alarm clock, for example, in the goody bank. Unless they're anticipating you're having a particularly difficult bowel and it's

thinking and they're going, here's a smelly candle. I can't believe. I thought. Oh, just, whoa. Hey! I'm sorry. On satellite television now, sir. Turned himself some shock job. When else would you need a smelly candle? That's what I'm thinking. Oh, I don't know where to look. I can't look him in the face. I can't either, ever again.

Oh, that's that bad. Is that that bad? I'm sorry, I'm too embarrassed to even answer. I had an idea for an alarm clock. What about this? Go on then. A radio alarm. Yeah?

He's loving in the idea. He's having a lot of ideas, isn't he, at the moment? Yeah. A radio alarm that has bogus news reports on it that are incredibly shocking. What do you mean? So that you hear that you lie in bed. Yeah, you hear in bed and it comes on, you know, Sir Elton John killed eight people in a McDonald's in Utah.

What? And then you're awake. Wide awake. What do you think? Yeah. You're with me on it? Yeah. Because I'm looking for investment.

I don't want to take it on myself. I've got a bit of restaurant. Isn't that essentially just a sensation of being Kathy every morning? Just being lied to and told strange practical jokes? Well, yeah, but I can't go from door to door. That's not what I've heard. Well, I don't do it anymore. I used to.

As I say, I've been around the block a few times, but there's no need to stop at every house. And what, do you what happened this week? Yeah. A big moment at home. Bars, my son, nearly two years old, now put his wellies on for the first time on his own. Brilliant.

Did he? And I was selling Susanna Reid, actually. Good morning, good morning, Britain. And he put them on the wrong feet, and I had to make an executive parental decision. What did you do? Did I say, oh, they're on the wrong feet and swap them around after he'd put them on,

thus making him feel like a failure. Or did I just leave them and risk doing permanent damage to his feet? So I chose to latter because I think ultimately physical pain is not as long and lasting as made language. You went the Jiminy Cricket, physical comedy route. You are assuming that he's going to become a standard.

Oh, is it, sorry? You are assuming that he's going to become a standard, but that's something you've said to me already. Oh, absolutely. Are you just thinking of it as a Jimmy Cricket thing? There's no question. That's clear. So it struck me.

I cannot recall the last time I put my shoes on the wrong feet. Can't you? It's just stopped. I just don't do it. I imagine it was over 25 years ago. But why is that? You'd think it's so simple. I remember in the school holidays when I didn't change my clothes for six weeks.

There was, I was able to put my socks on the wrong feet. Really, somewhat, I remember putting my socks on. I let the big toe indentation, which had now become. come like a tortoise's carapace, we're sticking out on the side of the littletar. I do it sometimes. You put your shoes on the wrong feet? With a boot, with a slim-fitting boot, it happens.

Do we, is it a bit of a hoax, the wrong feet thing? What do you mean like painting? Could we get away with it? Could we not just have straight shoes that just go straight and it would be fine? Yeah, probably. Straight shoes, they sound nice. I think, no, I think. Horrible straight shoes.

I think it's an old-fashioned concept, the wrong feet thing. Yeah. What do you want, like a square-toed clown shoe? No, we've been set into this idea that your foot, if you look at your feet, they're not that different, are they? I'm not looking at my feet, but even under the desk now, I'm swapping my shoes over. You can't tell.

I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I've got slip on, so this is easy for me. Yeah, but the trouble is, bear in mind, these shoes have been made as left and right shoes. I think we'll find it's an economic thing to stop people from wearing out one shoe and then just buying shoes one at a time. Yeah, because there's lots of shops that sell them one at a time, isn't there? No, but there would be.

And like those good old days when tobacconists had sell cigarettes one at a time, so school children could afford them. But I've put these shoes on now. They're on the wrong feet. Do they look at me? Look, they look. I'm going to show them to you. Oh, yeah.

I might put that photo on the way. They look stranger than they feel. They actually feel fine. But they've been made that way. If they were made straight, Uh-huh. It's, it's, I mean, we've been conned, so that we have to buy our shoes in pace. I totally agree.

I'm going to swap mine during the next song. Honestly, I'm going to start. Is this going to be another one of your Skinner brand ideas? When I've got the restaurant out the way. Frank Skinner's straight shoes. Straight walking. That's what I'll call them. Straight walking.

That's good. Oh, man. It's perfect. Yeah. We had some restaurants. Martin Williams has texted us. He's one of my regulars. I believe it's 1-3-1, isn't it?

Oh, is that one on the... Oh, God, that feels like the moment when Kendozaki's mask came off on the telly. Very similar. He says, how about the gato chateau? The gatto. That's good. Yeah. You know, for your...

What about in the gattos? In the gato. In the gato. You could have an live Elvis performer. He's also suggested a restaurant owned by the Speaker of the House of Commons. Ordervs, hors d'oeuvs. Excellent. Very good.

Yeah. Your restaurant has just... starters, you could call it, and that's just for starters. Because that's the thing people say, in it? Absolutely terrible idea. Just for starters. Picture the sign, if you will, how long that would have to be. Just for starters, turn it down.

You'd have to go across, you know that laundrette next door? You'd have to go across their signage. Yeah. They're going out of business, so aren't they, the laundrettes? They're all pubs now. Is that, right? People have got their own washing machine. There's a lawnrette around the door for me.

Can we talk about something a bit more affluent, please? Olding, people have got their own washing machines. There's a laundrette around the corner from me. That's an absolute right, dear. There's a lawnrette around the corner from me. It's shut down. It's re-opened. This is what we call anti-trending.

Yeah. People have got their own washing machine. Shocker. Except on EastEnders, obviously. Oh, yeah, that would be a disaster. France goes radio days. France comes radio a base. The best we've had today is that story,

have you read about the only way is fit? It reminds me of the only way's fish. Did you hear about this? No, I don't understand the only way is fish. Can you explain this? Okay. Well, let me tell you what. There's a restaurant.

I will be taking questions upon the subject. There's a restaurant, and they've called it the only way's fish. It's a fish. It's in Essex. It's a fish and chip shop, basically. Yeah. But quite nice. The only way is fish.

And then the people from the Only Way's Essex have said, we own the phrase, the Only Way's Essex. But they've changed the last word of it, so they don't... Why do they still own it? Presumably they're in the phrase is the only way is. Well, they don't do they?

Surely Yaz. She had previous. Why can't Yaz Sue the only way is Essex and saying, you know, well, I've got the only ways up and you've just put a different... The only way is Essex did to Yaz

what these people? I think Yaz needs to be speaking to her legal team right now. Well, it's difficult because Yaz has got... It's in a tricky situation because she's just opened a beauty parlour called Vyazling. So it's a bit of a two-wise street at the moment.

I like that your manager got his blackberry out, the smell of a lawsuit. That wakes him up in the morning. But it's right, though, isn't it? They've surely taken the only way his Essex from the only way he's old. Do you know, Frank, you're so right. You've got a keen legal brain. If anyone from the only way's fish is listening, I think you should bring this up in if it goes to court.

If anyone from the only way's fish is listening, terrible name. Can I be honest? Is it? It's not a pun, though. No, it's not a pun, you've just changed the word. But here we are talking about it. We are talking about it. Only because they're in despair,

because they're being sued or threatened by lime people, lime productions. They're going to avoid, you know, famous reality TV. What about if they had a picture of the woman proprietress? Yeah. A Photoshop, so she's a fish from the waist down. Right. And they could call it mermaid in Chelsea.

See, that, because... That's the way for it. The problem is that the shops in Essex. What I know, but you know. Just go for your basic fish pond. You don't want to call it in Essex anyway, do you? Because, you know, if you want to go around the country, it's all right if it says Chelsea in the title.

Yeah. Because you get things like blah, blah, blah of London, you know, in Bradford. Yeah, yeah, you get Chelsea boots in other places. Could Ollie Mears do a sort of meets the cast of Made in Chelsea, or Mers Made in Chelsea? Could that that work? Wouldn't work. I'm just trying to help him out.

The projects just aren't coming in at the moment. He's doing all right, isn't he? Well, you know, you know that thing that when we were going to build a church in the Arctic, me and him? Oh, yeah. Do you remember that? No. It was, yeah, it was, it was called...

Oh, here we go. It was called Cold, Frank, Incense and Merce. We were going to build a Catholic church in the Arctic. That was a journey, but I enjoyed the journey. Yes, it was great. I mean, we used dogs the first, we had to eat them at Base Camp 3. I have to say Ollie at them with a certain amount of delight,

I mean, I thought we were having to, you know, just to save ourselves, but Ollie was loving it. He loved it. Yeah, he's got a, he's a real carnivore, Ollie Merce. I mean, like, in the truest sense. Do I tell you that Jimmy Cricket once sent me a letter? What did it say? And it was asking me, it was a, it was a,

he follows the Nazarene as well. Does he? But anyway, it was... Oh, doesn't seem to tight. It started off with a joke. Yeah, his son's a priest. Shut up. Stop going on about it.

So the letter started off. Dear Frank, hope you're well. It's been very cold just lately. He went straight into... I opened my wardrobe door the other day and my jacket was wearing my overcoat. He opened with a cracker. joking joke. Excellent.

Is he your friend then? It made me happy. Well, you know, we're all friends in showbis. Are you? I know about seven people are absolutely odd. But comedies. He's funny, man. Jimmy Craig.

Okay, so... I won a talent competition doing an impersonation of him, David Bellamy and Frank Spencer when I was 10 on holiday. Did you? Yeah. And the rest is this day is history. That doesn't date it at all. Ben has tweeted us, actually.

After seeing a pudding restaurant called Afters, I suggested a better name would be with a spoons. That is really excellent. Yeah, with a spoons. I like that a lot. There might be some legal problems with that as well, Louis. Could Gareth Gates have a restaurant called Mermaid in Chelsea? Maybe not. We're also having people saying we have fish and chip shops in the black country called,

Oh, my Cod and the Codfather. Yeah, they do that. They do that. They do it. They do it. sacrilegious anyway. Oh, really? I'm not happy with it.

Yeah, but you could call it OMC. OMC's good. That's good. I always thought, but what about the steaming codpiece? That's a perfectly reasonable name for a fish and chip shop. It is.

No, but I don't want to talk about last night. And also, what about not out of place? Not out of place. I mean, that's... Then you know. They've still got something. Although people don't really eat place, much, didn't. Oh, they do.

Fish and chip shops, do it? Yeah, but place comes in. very useful for punning. It does. Yeah. Well, you could have between a rock salmon and a hard place. Why you have to put the salmon in and ruin it? Well, rock salmon.

Rock salmon! You don't have to put out the red black salmon! Do you think that would have been a hit if it'd have been about rock salmon? You would have preferred it. Yeah, but anything that... I don't mind the original, Frank. Batter the devil, you know. I don't like them before.

Sorry, carry on. made a joke and you totally ignored it. Sorry, I was... Did you get it? I was being a little bit unprofessional. Did everyone else in the room get it? Thank you. Oh, dear, you doing that thing when people do a joke,

no one laughs and you say, do you hear what I said? No. Yeah. You should be familiar with that, my friend. Yes, I'd just do it again. And again! What about a 6-8-7? Perhaps it should be the only way as Haddock?

Well, I think... Does that make sense? But they're being the same problem with the only way as Essex? Yeah, exactly. They don't have a particular... problem with fish. You know what, if they've got a, if they've actually got a legal right to stop people saying the only way is, that's going to, that's going to make people giving directions much harder, isn't it? It's going to be a real problem. No, it's going to... When you know, there's a road closure and you said, look, I'm sorry, but the only way is, oh, I can't tell you, I can't tell you how to get that.

It'll popularise the alternative route as a concept. It will. There's no one to be able to say the only way. They'll always look for something different. In fact, it could lead to a boost in the sales of the road less travelled. That's true. I ain't a roundabout, you see? So isn't it funny how everything is intertwined? We can texters on other things than suggested fish and chip shop names. Yes.

We're accepting all texts. But they are loving those suggested names. We've got an army of poners. Well, Liz has tweeted and pointed out that there was a Sheffield Wednesday season ticket promotion. called The Only Way is S6 after the Postcode. S6, that is excellent. That's fine work. Masterful work, yeah.

See, but presumably they can't do that now because the only way is Essex will even be even angrier because it sounds even more like the only way is Essex. I like the concept of them being angry. Yeah. We've had a few people that have texted saying they've seen a kebab van called Jason Donovan.

Oh, I think, yeah. Was he running it, though, in fairness? I know, that was David Van Day. Hopefully he's not litigious, otherwise he could have a go at the whole thing, because surely that's his name, like Jason Donovan. Oh, he's not litigious, is he? What about Caribbean restaurant, Jamaica and Me Hungry?

That's good. That's very good indeed. I love that. Dave Gorman used to do these, didn't he, when he was on? Did he? I think so. He's going to go towie on us. He's going to sue us.

I don't know. I think we're just continuing his grand tradition. G'day, Frank. Australia is the land of the pun-based pie shop. my favourite, I only have pies for you. It's always with that, it feels like... Minimises their opportunity of selling those pies. Exactly, it makes it feel like a specialist market.

Neathe. Anyway, let's just have a ponny. No one loves a pawn more than me, but after a bit it starts to... I get a tiny trickle of blood from each year. Yeah. I just have to be released. Missed. Here we have...

Oh, I don't like that. Oh, it's like Michelle Thomas. You know, Michelle Thomas's language types? Yeah. Yeah, very good. No, I'm not familiar with them. He's an excellent language teacher, Michelle Thomas, but he'll say things like,

Chevee, I'm on my way. Well, why doesn't he call Ricky Tavaise in private? I know. It sounds like he's finishing a humbug. Oh, why do they do that? It's the dentures, isn't it for, you know? Is that what it is? Poor Michelle Thomas.

In the 70s? I don't know when it was made. They didn't fix things back then, did they? He'd, um, he was, I think he'd escape from the Nazis or something. Yeah, really interesting life, aren't he? Yeah. Yeah. You'd sit and they'd have caught him, wouldn't you?

They'd have a good aide memoir here. I've been meaning to get the full Spanish and French, Michelle Thomas. Once I've finished this talking book, maybe I'll learn a couple of languages while I'm on the road. What talking book are you on? I'm on a ranking. Oh, are you? Yeah. Don't mind.

A bit of a pacey thriller. you know, crime thriller. Yeah. Rebus, solving one of them. Anyway. Sort of upbeat. Well, by my standards. Hotbed downranking. You give me a lick obieus when me wine out me waste.

More from very depressing book club next week. Yeah. Hello, here in Canada, the package... This is an email, by the way. It's not just me speaking. Maybe we should hold this. I think I have to play some music. Cliphanger email.

Yeah. It's just that you... We know it's in Canada. What else could possibly... be in the email. English-speaking Canadians know what flocons de maz corn flakes, feves o' lard, beans with fatty bits of porkin, and other staples are in both languages from seeing the French side of the box or can.

That's a really clever idea, isn't it? It's a good way of learning if everything that you bought in England had got it in French and German on it as well. It's a great idea. I mean, I know that stop in Welsh is Araf, and that's just from roadside. Yes. That'll come and useful. Yeah.

Yes, that's... It's good if I'd have to come to a stop in Wales. I found it. That gay bar I was in, in Twonzen. I was glad of it. I mean, we're steadily getting there, aren't for your work in the S&M community, right? No, but you've... We used to say Nessels, and now we say Nessle.

Yes. And Dime Bar, they... I'm not going to say what you just mispronounced in the break. What was... What was it? What was it? I can't remember. Oh, you're not going to say... No, I'm not going to say it. But Dime Bar, used to be DIME.

And now it's the Swedish. Dane. Yeah. Right. That's good, isn't it? We're cutting up. We're cutting up. Michelle Thomas's work has not been wasting.

So for people listening for the first time, they may not know why this emailer is telling us about this, but Cadbury's creme eggs. Oh, yes. Cream eggs. Can I say to anyone knew, is that I was saying that because Cabrries spell their cream eggs, so-core cream eggs, C-R-E, they're actually taking the French spelling, which should be pronounced crem.

So there should be Cadbury's crem eggs, that was my point. Yes, Cadbury's cream eggs. But then I found that people shorten crematorium to crem. That's probably else. And also, but you could have the cremline, which would be like a shop that's specialised in cream eggs. Oh, that's such a good idea. Yeah, that's a good idea.

That's probably your best of the day, I would say. Thanks very much. You think it is? Cadbury's cream eggs here. the whole day, it's written the rest of the day off. Well, you've peaked early, haven't you? You can't get better than that. I peaked at about half past eight. But it was still there.

Cadbury's cream eggs here bear the words earth fondant here, icing egg. And don't have the French word cream on the side, on the French side at all. You see? Because there's a lot of French speakers, and they don't say, well, it should there be cream, not cream? That's what they'd say. There's also a dairy beverage that this,

here around Christmas time only, which is called eggnog. Oh, I heart egg and milk mixture. You know, I've heard of eggnog. He's talking about we've never heard of it. It's sort of like a non-boosy advocate. Does he hear you know what, eggnogies? Is it? It's because you're from Birmingham, he thinks you don't know anything.

These people... The French name for that... They're colonists originally. Oh, now I've found out wise. They're teaching their grandmother to sock cream eggs. Yeah. The French name for that is Le de Poulet or chickens' milk. In the unlikely...

In the unlikely event you do find this interesting enough to read this out, perhaps it would be fun to have the cockerel do it. I always love it when drama schoolboy tries to emphasise his working class roots by mispronouncing French. See, it's not just you guys that he was patronising. And then how does he sign off, John Edwards? Salue et bon matins. That's very well done. Thanks very much. Well done, drama school boy. Yeah. Oh, that's his new name.

I don't like this idea that you have to be middle class to go to drama school. That's not fair. No, that's a very good point. Some of the most working-class people I ever met were at drama school. Yeah. Ever. Which one were you at? I'm so sorry.

The Welsh College of Music and Drama. Oh, well, there would be. Yeah. But... You went to some, the obscure type one. That's right, yeah. That's, um, yes, I think that's very harsh. You're quite right.

The acting tradition is packed with working class people. Of course it is. There's four, is it? Or eight. It reminds me of when my mother said to me. Eight, if you count the Beatles in Hard Days Night. It reminds me of when my mother said, what class are we?

And she said, we're classless, darling. What? Did she? You know, as we've often quoted from Ian Jury's biopic, we're arts and crafts. We are. That's it. It's, you know, the eggnog missionary

that sent in that thing. Thanks for joining in, by the way. It's interesting stuff. I was in Montreal, and I just went on the... On Montreal, as others may call it. Yeah, I went on just to get a couple of boss tickets. And I think it was on the ground. Anyway, I went in, and there's like a French film,

like the big French moustache behind the counter. And I said, just two tickets, please. And you went, blah, zh, and I said, two, and I held up in, two, and he went, And this guy said to me, you need to see it in French. I said, well, I don't speak French. He said, well, he won't say the tickets. And I said, well, I'm not saying it in French.

He said, I'll tell you what to say. I said, I'm not doing it. So there was a queue as like 18, 20 people behind me. This bloat was just, and he looked at, he came right up to the perspex, and I went up to the perspex, so our faces were really close, and he would not. In the end, this guy stepped forward from the queue, bought two tickets in French, gave them to me. And it was, at the time I was outraged, but looking back, it would have been good for me to have done it in French.

It doesn't sound remotely like you either being that. No, I think we should, well, being a slight gig. I think that it should be like in a Mexican restaurant, if you can't say halapinos, you shouldn't be able to buy them. Yeah. That you could have there across that. I was wanting a subway sandwich shop in Cardiff because I was in the queue and I said, Oh, I'll have some of those, um, Halapinos, is it? And I really went, I went, I went, I went high Mexican.

I went high Mexican. And the bloke on the counter went, It's jalapinos, mate. And you should have said, it's jalapinos, signor. And then he would have put you in the deep fat friar. Nobody puts drama school boy in the deep fat friar. What film is that from? That's from Dirty Dancing.

Let it to Brezhneff. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I was wondering if the team was aware of a Finnish word, Pilkunutsia. We're really getting through the foreign languages today. It's great, isn't it today? Michelle Thomas was now. Pilunusia. Which roughly translated means grammar Nazi. Pilkunutsia. Sorry Alan or Emily for making you pronounce this. Hopefully we won't have another Descartes moment. I had it already.

They're beating up Alan Cocker on this boy. Charleston boy. It's because... Can I say in the way of balance, that I watched the first episode, two episodes of Alan Cochran's new sitcom, what's it called? Trying again. Trying again.

On what channel? Sky Living. Can I tell you something now? Completely honestly, I haven't even said this to Alan Cochran. I thought it was really funny, and I thought he was really, really good in it. Carry on. Can I say?

He did say that to me off air as well. I'm welling up here. Sure on. You've had your praise now. Get on with your job. I thought that Frank may appreciate being called this instead of a bit of a git. It seems to sum him up nicely. It's not only someone who corrects grammar,

but who also someone who nitpicks about anything at the cost of popularity, self-esteem and mental well-being. No offence intended here. But I'm sure Emily will agree that he does get himself into some arthritic claw situations. Oh, he does. I hope this isn't one of the surprising facts that everybody actually already knows. No, I didn't know. I didn't know this. But I like the idea of starting sentences. I hate to be a Pilkenutsia, but...

You should do that. One of my ones now on tour with my tour managers, when he says, I'll double check. I'll say, well, are you going to double check? Or is this the first time you've checked? Oh, that poor man. Well, I think that's fair. And I think people overuse the double-check thing.

Is this wrong? I just used the disabled toilet here. And when I used the disabled toilet, I always feel. feel a bit guilty though I shouldn't. It's not my toilet. But I felt today... It's not worse than you setting slow in a Welsh gave off. No, but today, I was in there and I thought, oh God, I want to get in an out near a quick in case. Imagine going out and someone's waiting to you so you feel like a monster. And I thought, oh, well, at least I got my shoes on the wrong feet.

That can't be... That's not good, is it, that I thought that. Oh, my God. It's not weird the things that go through your mind, will you? Yeah, your mind. No, don't say it like observational comedy that we all relate to. No, I'm just thinking it was an odd thing, the way you try and placate your conscience. Like Jiminy Cricket.

Oh. Oh. Oh, what about the work of Fogel? We haven't discussed Ben Fogel this morning. Ben Fogel. I've been desperate to talk about this. Does it live in Fogles would? Do you remember that program?

Do you know what Ben Fogel is? Do you remember Fogles would? No, but thanks for the tip. Ben Fogel. What is it? He's... I'll tell you. He's a legend.

No, he's what mum's like. Your mum would say he's handsome, isn't he? Yes. He stopped a mugger. Well, I would say he went one better than stopping a mugger. He gave him a black eye, the mugger. He said he was holding a briefcase, which I think was a bit too Ronnie sketch myself. Did he say briefcase?

Yeah, briefcase it was. Brilliant. Mugger comes up to him on the street. He's tried to take his bag. Fogel, he's giving him a black eye. He turned around and automatically bopped him. He said on Twitter, Dear Mugger,

I was nice for him to say dear, given the serks. Quite formal, given the circumstances. Dear Mugger, you picked the wrong man. Brilliant. Can I say, first of all, that violence is never the answer. What? He then said, enjoy the black eye.

I thought it was once on Blockbusters. It turned out to be vigour. And I don't like the idea that there's a right man to be mocked. What Ben failed to. Fogel, who I have to say, has got testosterone plus. And you know I'm testosterone intolerant. He has got this thing that he picked on the wrong man.

So someone, he's thinking of someone like me, a wimpish sort of fact. He's the right man for a mugger. Oh, it's so true. That's what he's saying, isn't he? If you're going to mug someone, it's fine. But, you know, make sure they're a pretty wimpy kind of a guy who kinds of deserves it in a way for being wimpy. You know what I'm saying?

We should come back to Fogel because it's a particular... You know, I've met Fogel, and he's... What are you calling it Fogel? Like he's Yoda or something? You've worked with Fogl, haven't you? But he thinks he's Yoda, doesn't he? Does he? Yeah, he thinks he's like the super master of the martial arts.

I love that it's called Fogel. We will never use the name Ben. You were saying you weren't a fan of his particular. Well, I... Well, you weren't a fan how he responded in this situation. When I met him, he was a very nice bloke. He was on Room 101. He was on a show, yeah.

He was in a show, to be honest, he got a bit bullied. by Janet Street Porter for all his super match owners. Yes, I remember. But even on there, his picks were luggage on wheels, which I totally agree with us, you know, for the noise and for the fact people who've got this thing behind them and all that. He said people should just carry heavy things. Yeah.

I mean, he's so much. And umbrellas. His start life as a rower, though, didn't he? Yeah, but umbrellas he wanted to play. He did that rowing with James Cracknell. He should have seen his rear. Just get wet. That was his thing with umbrellas.

And I just, in this article, he said that the mogger caught him on a rare occasion when he was wearing a suit and carrying a bag. Yeah. You know, those wimpish things. No, I think... No, that's what he meant, because he usually's got khaki shorts and a survival knife, and he's carrying a canoe. See, I really like this story. I feel like we're coming at this from different... Well, you're much more male than I am. I'm not much more male.

It's because you went to drag school as we've established, and you feel you have to overcompensate. But I think the fact that he seems to be a nice person... person on the telly and that he bopped someone in the eye is the satisfied thing about it. You'd sort of expect that if he was a cage fighter or something, but it's... Yeah, but what about, can I just say? No, but he's all about endurance and extreme and iron-lamish. He also, what about when he said, I'm fine, suit scuffed a bit and knuckles bruised? Great.

Suit can't be scuffed. That's the preserve of shoes. And also knuckles bruised, is it? Yeah. Yeah, you know, because I hit him that whole of that. It's a bit white power range. And what I say instinctively just hit him in the face, like a cold. or he's an aggressive attacking man, whereas we are good. I'd just run away.

I'd rather lose the money than be that person. Ben Fogle tweeting his mugger, enjoy the black eye. I think there's a slight backfiring to that, because you can enjoy a black eye. If you've ever achieved, have you ever got a black eye through sport or misadventure, there is a point where you kind of go, I've got a black eye. Yes, of course.

Well, Ben Fogel will be profoundly proud of a black eye. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if that exists in the mugging community, and they meet up with other muggers and go, oh, backfired. I tried to grab Ben Fogles. You probably don't look so good. They don't enjoy that. But I very nearly had a street altercation this week.

Aye, hi-ho. I was driving my vehicle with... He's doing that anti-drama school thing again. I was driving my car with my little girl in the back. Yes. I was making a right turn from a junction. And as I was turning, a bloke jumped out from the pavement

and across the front of the car. nearly hit him. It was a hot day and I had the windows down and I let out a strong expletive. And he turned round. Did you drop the bomb? I dropped a bomb and he turned around and went, what? And I went, I nearly hit you with the car. And he went, do you want to come here and do something about it? He offered me a fight for him jumping in front of my vehicle. That's so Fogel. I love it. And I didn't quite know what it was that he'd said and somewhat middle classly, I went,

Pardon? And he went, do you want to come here and do something about it? And I said, no, I was just concerned for you because I nearly hit you with a car. And he just kept saying, come on then, come and do something about it. Well, you're not tempted to just drive over him at this point. Honestly, he was on the pavement by then. Well, you could have mounted. Oh, I would have taken out about 15 people.

It felt like. Was he good to make a nice looking? No. Did he look dangerous? Not really, no. Oh, well, you should have got out there. I think I cannot put a number on how many times I've replayed it in my head where I did get out and do something about it.

And your daughter would have been so proud watching her dad. Well, she's crazy. Anyway, she would have probably unbuckled herself and joined in, I think. But you see, I've said it again, violence is never the answer. Well, I think in that instance, it would have been great. It would have been great to have jumped out of the car and left it. Because somebody's going to do that again, whereas the next time, you see, if you'd have beat the hell out of him, the next time he thought it won't be enough to do that,

because there's that bloke. Yeah. That bloat with the East European eyes jumped out and put the hell out of me. And that drama school bloke could beat me up last time. Yeah. And then you'd have learned a lesson. We've taken all by radio shows and done a bit of editing and tightening. It's a walk-down.

Find new things quite frightening.