The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Politeness Debate

Episode Date: September 10, 2025

We’re still in 2010 with Frank, Emily and Gareth. There’s Abby Road news, a story about mispronouncing food names, Emily’s been to the BAFTAs and Sarah Millican is our guest! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank Skinner's Radio Days, it could go one of two ways. Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days. The best bits are from 2010 this week. And our guest is Sarah Milliken, and we have a politeness debate. Always good. Enjoy. So, yeah, so here we are. And I'm here with Emily and Gareth, of course.

Of course. And start. I am Well, Abbey Road's closed, isn't it? Did you read about that? Oh. Because EMI. Not the road.

No. I don't want, but I don't people think this is travel. I was going to say, how am I going to get through to St. John's Wood? I know, it's going to be tricky. Well, there's a question and a half. I thought he was a celibate. So, um... No, the studios.

Yes, the famous. Just out, boy, where the zebra are crossing. where the Beatles did all their stuff. Quite near heels. Is it near? Yeah, there's a branch of heels. I didn't know that. That's a good landmark for a certain sort of lady.

Yeah, so they're talking about they're going to have to close it down. It's a Beatles. It's a Beatles relic, obviously. And Chris Evans has come out. He had an article in the paper, actually, in the middle of the week. What's he said? He's put his neck on the line. He said that Abbey Road's studio.

should be preserved as a museum to the Beatles. Oh, I see. Controversial. Remember this is a man who's, you know, we're new kids on the block in this radio business. I like, so he's saying that this should, that Abbey Road should be saying because it's a Beatles thing. The first two tracks he played on his first show

was all you need is love and babe you can drive my car. And his advert on the telly was based on twist and show. by the Beatles. And I think, you know, it's good when a DJ champions, you know, a band, an obscure band, you know, that need championing and sticks with, because, you know, a lot of people thinking, well, I might check them out. Radio 2 listeners aren't necessarily, don't have their fingers on the pulse,

necessarily of the music scene. Well, many of them don't have a pulse. So people are going to think, well, you know, Chris Evans like, Sometimes they've got to have summit going from. Let's give those young boys from Liverpool a chance. Yeah, let's Google them and see what other tracks they've done. I used to say, when people say, what's your favourite Beatles song? I'd say free as a bird.

You know that terrible one they did? It was that last one that was discovered. I heard that being played. Something like Radio Carlisle played that. And the DJ said, of course, being in radio, I actually spotted the edits on that. Oh, I loved it so much inside information. So, yeah, so I'm going to check out the bit. There must be a greatest hit.

The Beatles, how do you spell it? B-E-E-T-L. Well, it's funny you should say that, but I can't answer that without advertising a major airline. I mean, it closed down 20 years ago, nevertheless. We worked with someone once

who said that he thought the Beatles were underrated. He did, yeah. Let's say we worked with someone. It was the former producer of this show, and it was instrumental in producing. use it, that word, former. Well, that was last year,

so that would have been before they'd properly broken, maybe. Well, that's before that Chris Evans, yeah, pushed them into the public domain, the way you have. Yeah, no one can say they're underwriting now. Yeah, they're hot, hot, hot. They're so hot right now. Oh, okay, so that's a good old, good old Chris.

We've had some, we've had some email. We get emails in midweek, which is what I like. I don't just send them in for the show, people. So if you want to email us, it's absolute dot slash. You don't know what it is, thanks. No, it'll be it. Those will be components in it. It's just a matter of getting them in the right order.

Absolute slash. You can go to the website. Absolute slash. Don't send anything to that. You'll get quite the wrong website, I'm suspecting. Look, if you've tuned in to get this, you know, you know. You're already on the website. Don't stop being so stupid.

Speaking of the Beatles, we have an email in from someone with a surname McCartney. Johnny McCartney. That's a fabulous link, if you don't mind me saying. Is there someone in the Beatles called McCartney? That's very sort of regional news show of me, wasn't it? Dear Frank Kemmeline and Gareth, love the show. I've recently been downloading the podcast from the last year or so.

Blah, blah, blah. That's a lovely way of responding to someone who's taking the trouble. Yeah, go, blah, blah, blah. It just goes on praising us. I know, I don't have the time for your praise. I think you've all got really interesting voices. Gives me time to look up if the Beatles got any tour date, so I don't go and check them out.

Carry on. And as my girlfriend volunteers at London Zoo, I was imagining. To do what? I was imagining you all as animals. She might clean out the elephants or something. I was imagining you. Can I just say there are no elephants at London?

Oh no, you're right. You're right, Frank. Sorry. I like the idea of cleaning out the elephants. What a job that would be. Okay, so she works at London, too? Yeah. So as a result, Johnny McCartney was imagining us as animals. Frank, he sees as a white gibbon with a bow tie and a waistcoat on.

What I like about that is like years of me thinking, well, you know, I like to think I'd do a bit of clever comedy. You know, I like to feel that I use my vocabulary, blah, blah, blah. people at home thinking, very gibbon-like, isn't they? Immensely given-like. I like that he's put you in a sort of Brummy club as well with your bow-tie and your waistcoat. Yeah, but you know what's odd about it?

It feels right to me as well. The white gibbon with the... With the waistcoat. Yeah. Okay, Emily, an ostrich wearing a diamond necklace and very probably a tiara. Oh, I feel you've been ostracised. Yeah, so he's obviously got your slight grandness.

I don't know where I'm quite where any ostriches. He's got the measure of me. Yeah. Garret. I suppose it's slightly rough old bird. Oh, no. Well, my ostrich won't be talking to your gibbon. There'll be no fraternising between the species.

I'll be comments like that. Oh, no, you've heard her feelings and she's put her head in the sand. Oh. Gareth, a Yemen chameleon with Doc Martin boots and an Alex James circa, a 1996 floppy haircut. A Yemen chameleon. Very specific, Johnny McCartney. Oh, Yemen, Yemen, Yemen, Yemen, Kameleelian.

That's what you are. I've been thinking about that. Do you come and go? Sometimes. Yeah, okay. Just go next time. Sorry, everyone. Sorry.

And your carl is like my dreams? That's the trouble with being Simeon by nature. His morning's inclined to chatter and be mischievous. That's what I find. Yeah, but you've got that terrible white fur. It gets all dirty. You look grubby. I've got white fur, but my behind...

throws a red glow that makes the entire area behind me looks like it's the house of prostitution. But in a fight, I think we all know who's going to win, guys. What? The tiara wearing otts. Ostrich versus Gibbon versus... What are you again?

A Yemen... We've got to find the Yemen chameleon. Yeah. He's going to be changing... Maybe they don't do that, the Yemen once. Is it Yemen? Or is it... Yeah, man, chameleon.

Anyway. Thanks for that, Johnny. I did a gig in Aberdeen this week. And we arrived on the train. When you say we, do you have an entourage? He has an assistant. I was supporting Rod Gilbert for a couple of nights on, so it was me and him.

Okay. I was walking through a door. I walked through a door in Aberdeen. This is a great idea. Oh. What, in a David Copperfield type way? Well, no, someone had opened it. Oh, okay.

I was having a bad day. It was raining and I was freezing cold. And I walked through a door. And what I hadn't realised is there was a man there and he'd opened the door for me. Okay. But I hadn't realised he'd done that. So I just walked through and he said,

oh, don't say thank you. Oh. And like, so it did a nice thing for someone. But then because I didn't say thank you, did something incredibly rude by breaking, you know. The social contract? Yeah. What I call the social contract?

I'm in a tricky situation here because, I'm with the unnamed Fisie Scotsman. Frank, so am I. I'm with the man. I think, you know, because I open, I have a thing if I open the door for someone and they don't say thank you, I say, I don't mention it, oh, you didn't.

And I went into my flats and I live in quite nice flats, I'll be, yes, I'm not ashamed to admit that. And there's some quite posh people living there, and of course, posh people that, they used to having the door held open for them, by my footman and things like that. So I held the door up for this bloke, and I did like...

you're the dormant? Yeah, I think they do. Do you wear your little sort of hat? No, I was wearing a tan leather bomber jacket, a red dicky-bow. I'm saying you can't come in here wearing that. I was a Birmingham doorman, more than a... So, I said to this bloat,

I said that, you know, I don't mention it, oh, you didn't. And he said, what? Oh, he rumbled you. And I said, I expect you to say, thank you when I opened the door. We got into the lift together. It's a proper full-blown incident And he said to me, yeah, I'm not really used to people

giving me advice on my man He didn't say that Yeah And I said, I want to shake his head And I said, no, no, I guessed that Oh And it was, we were in a lift What floor were you on by that stage?

We were going to have a fight in a lift I mean, that'd be terrible Imagine a lift getting into a lift There was two blocs having a fight About manners Excuse me, we've been having this fight for a while But he got it and he got it with a very sarcastic. Right, well, good night then.

And I said, yeah. I'm fully on his side because I was like... You're on that bloke side? Yes, because, like, what's worse? What's worse? I can't believe that. You doing something nice for someone and not getting a thank you. Or, like, invading their space and questioning how they live their life

and calling them up on their actions. I'm not going to answer that question. Okay. What you did was worse. What you did was worse. I disagree. And I don't know what we're going to do. do about this?

Well, let me... Should we go in the lift? Not under you you fired, but you're going to have to open the door for yourself as you leave. They'll have to escort yourself out of the building. No, I think it's completely unacceptable. I am with you, Frank, I have to say.

I mean, I don't come out with the Bonneau like you. I just go, thank you. And that really nasty, shrill tone of voice. You do that when you are genuinely grateful. I find the only voice you really have is the Wicked Witch of the West. We've been joined by Sarah Milliken in the studio. Good morning, Sarah.

Hello, how are you? We were just in the middle of a politeness. I hear a debate. What's your view? Did you, you heard that about it? Yeah, yeah, I did. Yeah, I think you're all right, and I think Gareth's wrong. I think Gareth's not only wrong.

Okay, maybe not. I think Gareth's bonkers as well. He's not just wrong, he's actually bonkers. We have had a text in as well. Really? From a postman called Matt and Kingston. he says, hey, Frank, I'm a posty. And when I say good morning and the person blanks me,

I carry on and I say, oh, morning, Posty, isn't it cold? I like that. I think what I like about that. He's adopted the fact that everyone would call him Posty. Bless him. Well, I'm with Posty on that one. Yeah. I imagine you're a very polite person. I can get angry, though, if people don't.

Like, if I was to hold the door open for you, Gareth, and you didn't say thank you, then I would just shout, you're welcome. And then sometimes it prompts people in to saying thank you. I mean, same in the car, whenever I flash anybody in, if they don't say... I sometimes do that wave to say you're welcome when they haven't waived to say thank you, and it prompts people into doing it. So it's like, I'm forcing people to be polite.

Yeah, sarcasm is your weapon in this, isn't it? It's road sarcasm, not road rage. So, Sarah, we should begin by saying that you're about to go on tour. Oh, yes, in October. It's ages away. It's not... I'm sorry. So what are you plugging today? I'm lost. Radio show. Oh, sorry.

Oh, I've started... Oh, I've started plugging the wrong finger. How embarrassing. I apologise, profoundly, of course. Otherwise, you'll go, oh, sorry, Sarah. Yes, so your radio show is on Radio 4. Yes, it started on Thursday night. Could you explain it to us briefly? No.

Oh, okay. Don't even open-ended on a question like that. Yes, it's just... It's comedy, obviously. And I solve people's problems. So we have people in the audience, and we have people in the audience, And we have like a theme of the week, or like two problems that we discuss in the week. But also, it's sort of, there are script, it's, it is scripted and actors and things. So it's not just down to just the audience, because that's too scary if it's just the audience.

Then it may be rubbish, because sometimes audiences are really, you know, I've got loads of stories and sometimes they haven't. So we haven't relied on that. That is true. We have scripted some stuff. Yeah. But it's, yeah, it went really well. And it's been really well received on Thursday night, so that's nice.

It's good. Are you the sort of person who friends go to with their problems? And I think it's because I've just got loads of problems. problems. Oh, she's done that. Let's go to her. I think that's all it is. So it's a Coles to Newcastle sort of perhaps. Pretty much, yeah. No, I am. I think I'm quite sort of

sensible to the point of dull sometimes. Well, that's what you want from an advisor, isn't it? Sensible to the point of dull. Well, yeah, they don't have to take the advice, but they can listen to it. So you, I should point out, I think, Emily, are you ready to applaud? Because we have not won, but two,

Chortle Award nominees in the studio. So there you go. What's about that? So Gareth's been nominated for... Best Newcomer. Most impolite comedian. Yeah, is the only one to get the award without saying thank you to anyone. And what are you nominated for, Sarah?

Best headliner. Oh, well, that's better, isn't it? Yeah, clearly. And I'll be polite, so... With Amex Platinum, access to exclusive Amex pre-sale tickets can score you a spot trackside. So being a fan for life turns into the trip of a lifetime. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Pre-sale tickets for future events subject to availability and vary by race.

Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at amex.ca. You can get protein at home or a protein latte at Tim's. No powders, no blenders, no shakers. Starting at 17 grams per medium latte, Tim's new protein lattes, protein without all the work. by participating restaurants in Canada. Sarah Milliken is our guest this morning

and she's solving the nation's problems. Apparently so. The text would have been coming thick and fast for Sarah. Mainly thick, I'm guessing. Go on, fire away. We've had a lovely one in from Florence. Hi, Sarah, I'm a big fan of yours. Hope to see you live soon.

My problem is that I have to go for dinner with my boyfriend's best friend and his girlfriend next week. and I don't like her at all. She's very rude and has no manners. I can't get out of it, but I don't know how to survive the experience. Can you help, Florence? I think if there's two other people there,

she's got a boyfriend there and a boyfriend's best friend there, she could totally get away with not even talking to the girl. Oh, that's good. Just occasionally smile at her. This is the woman who champion politeness. No, but she's, if she's rude, if the friend is rude, if the best friend's girlfriend is rude, she doesn't deserve to be spoken to.

And Chris in Derby says, Sarah, I know if there's any book that can translate teenage grunts into words that we can all understand. So, communicating with teenagers. What do you recommend? Well, I don't have children, so I'm probably not the best person to ask for that. Do you go out with very young men if I have? I have done. Well, that would help.

Did they grunts? Yeah, you did a lot. I don't think I needed translator, though. Can I give that a little random applause? Thank you very much. I think you just need to ignore them until they talk properly, don't you? Well, that'd do me. Well, that's lovely.

So you mentioned, oh, can I... I know, I don't want to put you on the spot, but it says on my... It says on my list of things about Sarah Milliken. She can do a good honking car horn. Oh, do you only hear it? Is that what it says? Is that unlike my CV?

That's awesome. It's actually the only thing I can do, yes. It just says that, and the fact you're on to plug your tour in October. Okay. Are you ready? Okay. Oh, that's brilliant. That is good. Thank you.

one more time but my friend bought me a bike horn for no reason whatsoever and I used to squeeze it whenever anybody said something funny around us and I couldn't be bothered to respond I would just ha-ha back at them and then I thought well this is no good

because I'm going to have to carry this with us so instead I just learned how to do it over months just practiced in the house on my own that sounds quite tragic now have you ever tried levitation no do you think that's the next step

is that what happened with David Coffield he started off just doing a car horn or he's a bike horn and then he started levitation Well, I think what he did, you know, I noticed when you did the car, when you actually reached and squeezed it, yes. Well, I think that David Copperfields was set a little higher than yours, and as he reached off to squeeze it, he suddenly noticed he was three feet from the floor. Wow.

That must have been a good deal. That could have happened to anyone. We're just talking about the BAFTAs, which Emily actually went to. Me and Garo just watched it on television. Did you watch it on TV? I did watch it on television, yeah. Okay. I'll tell you what surprised me just from watching it on television.

obviously not the same as being there. No, let's hear about what it felt like on telly. It's much more interesting. What are you doing? You're getting a lot of professional actors going up on stage. I mean, people at the very top of the acting profession. The stars, acting stars, you're getting up there. And then they come, this is the ones who present the awards.

Yeah. Big names. And they come up and say, the art of the director is a mysterious. And I think, what is, it's like a child reading. You know, when you give a child a bit of color, barboard and they're going Janet and John went over a hill

you know like a five-year-old child well I've got the inside inside on that do they still read Janet and John am I shouting myself to be a little out of day it's not 1953 they don't also they don't read age 5 now I think it's about 15 they get to that stage the auto queue was too small they couldn't read it

that's why they're reading it badly they can't they can't act these people put them in front of an audience they're all very well on a film set where they can do it 20 times But put them in front of an audience, they're just sneveling, posh people, going, Oh, I'm just get off the stage. Jealous, March.

Now, I'm not jealous. Am I jealous of Vanessa Redgrave? Am I jealous of someone who seemed to cut their speech into lines and put it into a bag and then draw them out one at a time and just say random things? Am I jealous of that? That was mental, yeah. My father once took me to get a night. ice cream. I like, I like strawberries. I had the monkeys or ones. I watched the television the other day. Winston Churchill was in charge of this country during the Second World War. Redding three. West Bromwich, Albion, two. New York, that's a beautiful city. I mean, what, are you all right, Vanessa? No, I'm not all right. Then she said, as Rosalind says in As You Like It, thank you, Baxter. I don't remember her saying that in As You Like It. That was probably two bits of paper stuck together.

I mean, she knelt in front of the Prince William. The Prince William. I'm calling him the Prince William. Why not? Is he a pub now? Yeah, I've knelt in front of a few pubs at my time. But, you know, I didn't like it when she knelt in front of him. I thought she was going to take the thank you a stage too far.

That's what I thought. I thought she might end up with an air in her mouth. Anyway, my dress. Oh, sorry, your dress, yes. It was amazing. What mate was he? Well, it was a designer called Alessandra Rich. It's too expensive for me

because I've got champagne taste, but beer money. I won't lie, that's the truth. Okay. But I have friends in high places, so it was lent to me. I couldn't have afforded it. It cost about £5,000. It was amazing. You wore a £5,000 dress?

I might have. Oh, I hope you put a napkin out of yourself when you had the chicken. They always have chicken at that. I've never been to one of those things when there isn't chicken. Or ribs. Oh, no, beef medallions we had. Beef medallions?

Yeah. Couldn't wear one of them with a dress like. I would love to have gone up. If I'd won a BAFTA, I'd go out wearing a beef medallion. Why not? So I worked the red carpet, waved to the people behind the crash barriers, like a journalist I know. I went, hi, what are you doing here? What you meant was, what are you doing there?

The other side of the rope. I'm glad you had a fabulous night. I did. We've had some texts in Frank. Now, my favourite one is from Steve in Hand Bay, who says, I just thought I'd let you know. I got my hair cut this week, and one of my friends noticed and said, it's a bit Frank Skinner, I was made up.

What are you made up as? Frankenstein. What's the Frank Skinner? Well, exactly. Is it rhyming slang? Does it mean it's getting thinner? Is that what he said? Because I know it is, it's in the official rhyme in slang dictionary for dinner.

Frank Skinner. Yeah, what about that? Wow. I mean, I don't know what it means by that. Does it mean? Because I've gone ahead like a light bulb. Hmm. I just went

I didn't contradict you that note For any old Dan Dare fans I look when I had come my right back I look like the mecon Trust me Sometimes I look at you and I think you've had an idea Yeah No you think my throat has had an idea

Yeah Yeah Because I've got my big light bulb swollen I'm in enormous brain Anormous brain like the great Botic of an ox That's what I've got I'm stuck with it

What can you do So it needs warehouse housing, hence the mighty cranium. Has that explained? Hence the mighty cranium. Thank you. I like the way you slightly immortalised that phrase. I like that.

Oh, you like this, you like that, you like everything. That's your trouble. What's that thing you was on about, about food? Oh, okay. Now, I'm quite obsessed by this, because there was a piece in the paper about people mispronouncing food words, you know, when they order stuff in restaurants. Right.

So instead of brichetta, they'll say brisgetta or something. Right, okay. Not a cardinal scene in my book Oh, it's quite bad for me Okay No, I was on a date with this guy And you know that pastor that sort of like Well, I can believe that

Oh, you know that pastor That's kind of, it's called Pene You know the sort of pastor I have to explain to you to it's called Penae I know the one, it's like a tube Exactly, it's a tube So the guy I was with, I made my oldren And the guy I was with went

Said to the waiter, yeah, can I have the pen please? And I swear, I thought he was going to get a pen out of his pocket It was awful I thought, I can't go out with someone like that. So you dumped him on the strength of one tiny mispronters? I waited a week and then I dumped him. Sometimes people can be too good though. I was in a cafe with a bloke and he asked,

he called the Wait-Oves. It's an Italian place, admittedly. And he said, can we have a duet cappuccini? Oh, I mean, shut your face. I didn't want it after that. I could have threw it at him right into his... I don't like it and people get words wrong, though. My mum does a lot of these.

My mum says, Hulumi cheese. She calls it Haleimi. Okay. That's not that bad. No, why don't you just leave her alone? I mean, she's 98. My dad used to talk about the writer Somerset Matham instead of Somerset morm.

And he also used to say antiquity instead of etiquette. Yes, you could do learning a bit of antiquity, he used to say to me. We used to laugh, we used to sit at home, sawdust on the floor, two or three bull terrier slumbering at the fireside. And the whip at Shep. Yeah, the whip it was called Cal. Oh, that was Cal. I don't want to go through my entire dog list on here.

Well, I was at the BAFTAs this week. Gareth was doing something even more showbiz. Yes. You know, I'm married, but you can still do exciting things if you're married, you know. Well, I know that. Look at... Ashley Cole. Angie Bowie.

And Ashley, Colley, he did very exciting. Were they exciting or were they drab in the extreme? We went to Winchester this week, Laura and I. Brilliant. And we went to a cafe, a little cafe that had lovely cakes in the window, and it was the Maison Blanc. And it was run by Raymond Blanc. Oh, my God.

I only met Mickey Rourke this week. Tell me about the chef. Well, anyway. Well, that would have been exciting enough. just going to the cafe where he was wonderful. But he was there. Brilliant. He was there. I wouldn't know him if he came in here now. No, I wouldn't have, I... How did you know him? I wouldn't have known that I knew him, but when I saw him, I did know who...

I saw a nice... Actually, I saw a nice pencil sketch of him, so I probably would have recognised him. Somebody obviously drew a blog. I'm terribly sorry, everyone. If you're listening to that, who does a little bit of fun. Anyway, he was there telling off the lady about the toilet in there. The waitress. This is such a glamorous anecdote. I can't believe it. Just let me tell this story.

Go on. Anyway, what do you think about this, right? There were some ladies, and he was being very charming, going, oh, you enjoy the food, do you like it? Oh, you have a little one. Did he not have some ice cream or souffle? No, he's not ready for that yet. Anyway, he went to talk to some old ladies,

and he had had a chocolate declare that I had was very nice, but he had only eaten half of it. And he was chatting to the old ladies, and they were saying something, and he goes, oh, I have only eaten half. of this chocolate declare you can have the other half he said to you no to the old ladies and he gave the old ladies the other half of his chocolate eclair oh and did they eat it yeah i suppose if if you're very old what's got to lose it's sort of like it's a sort of chocolate de claire russian roulette

they would play or maybe they maybe they'd had enough and he's like i know what would kill you i've got half a chocolate declare over there what a what a very benevolent big-hearted man raymond blanc is i might i might go around his I'm hoping for the on-the-off chance for half a cake with these terrible spitting teeth marks on it. I look forward to that. So you got frightened, didn't you? Yeah, I did. I was staying in, I supported Rod Gilbert on tour in Wrexham.

Oh, that's a tough gig, because he's a guard in Wrexham. Yeah. No, it was good. It was good. They were friendly. He was on my side. And on the way back, I stayed in Milton Keynes to break up the journey back to London. What are all these places?

what's wrecks them what does I wrecks them and I stayed in a I thought I'd been really good because I booked really the cheapest hotel I could possibly find it was really really cheap and it was

yeah hold on a minute I just Emily fainted can someone get Emily a glass of water just sort of fan her face a bit she'll come to and it was don't smudge the makeup

it was one of those hotels I've never been in one before. You know, in No, no country for old men. Oh, yeah. Like, I wasn't allowed in that. Right. Surprise. And, you know, you go in from outside.

You have to go outside and then into the doors, and the doors just open outside. Oh, it was straight. How do you normally get into a hotel from underneath? Usually, it's a corridor. You know, a strange hover rail. You had to go outside of the door, and then, so the doors to each room opened outside.

Like an American motel? Like a motel. Like in psycho. Yes. Exactly, like in psycho. So I was in there and it was dreadful in there. It was really horrible. And I'm not, you know...

Come on, you do surprise me. You know, there are people at listening that couldn't afford to stay in a hotel and they'll be thinking, well, you know, I'd give anything to have been in that room with you. Well, not with you, obviously. That would have been terrible in the extreme. So I was lying there in the darkness.

And there was... They were there as well, then. I'd better eat some notes that night. Justin Hawkins He certainly was Go on And there was a clicking sound Oh that would be Justin's gammie leg

I'm thinking The darkness were not there Okay Death Watch beetle Is that what you thought That would be my first thought No I manage

You know when your mind You know just runs away I was suddenly realised When's it was coming back I was been two years now No no no phone call no nothing and I'm worried sick. I've put a picture of your mind on a milk carton.

Did anyone phone in, no? Did Justin have his stage gear? I don't think, what is he stage gear? Now, I imagine an overall. I think he's probably on the meat counter at Sainsbury. Anyway, go on. There was a clicking, and what my brain obviously, like, honestly decided was that there was someone outside who was trying to get in to kill me.

Oh, my God. And I got frightened. You're my chair, then. I just said that's my chair, not my spine. You were frightened, genuinely frightened. I honestly thought I had to get up, turn their light on, see what the clicking was. I was really terrified. How did you think they were planning on killing you, though, just by clicking you to death?

Yeah, that would be terrible. If it was like some sort of ticket taker, blah, who came in. Go on, then. I'm on the end of my seat. I'm not. You know, I didn't get murdered. You said that was it? I didn't get murdered.

What did you think happened? I didn't get murdered. It didn't like I'm here. I know, but I thought there was good. What was the clicking? Well, I thought there'd be some denouement. You don't know what the clicking was. I think it might have been the radiator.

It's some sort of anti- anecdote. So, hang on, we've just had to hear how Gareth went to a horrible hotel somewhere outside of London. And the radiator was a bit noisy. Oh, let's hear more about the BAFTAs. Everyone cares about famous. Oh, yeah, they hear. Yeah, but I mean, I mean, it wasn't exactly. It wasn't Shawshank Redemption.

You'll admit that. stories go I mean the narrative of that I don't know I'll tell there was some clicking anyway what should I talk about now I mean for goodness I feel I feel like I was reaching

a climax I'm shut up nothing ever happens none of my nothing ever happens in my life my life has no I know it doesn't but you did get very gathered

by the fireside I was cross-legged on the floor so was I had my hot chocolate with my marshmallows I mean, it wasn't deliberate. I just fell that way. It was an emotional story. What, a broken radiator? We don't even know it was a radiator.

I mean, any sort of clicking it could have been. When I went out in the morning, there was a murder there, falling asleep. People do that. They're telling an anecdote. Everyone's just born, and they start adding bits. You can all tell the light at the end. A friend of mine always used to say at the end, and do you know that man was Robert Dougal.

And he said he could save any anecdote. It's something he heard on a radio once. to put the radio on, he just heard the last bit of a show. And do you know, that man was Robert Dougal, and he thought, I'm having that. And so you should have tried that. On the end, we heard clicking, and I went outside, and do you know? Go on. Yeah, that man was Robert Dougal.

That's brilliant. Honestly, that's up there with Beowulf. So, scared in the hotel room at night. A novel by Beryl Beryl. I can't say it. Beryl Bainbridge. Beryl Bainbridge. It's a good time.

to steal my material, let's get it right. Well, you always do the Robert Dougal thing. Yeah. You too, stop it. We've had to endure the radiator anecdote, and now we're just going to have arguing. I had enough with Emily stealing my private Benjamin stuff. Oh, my God. Having a coffee.

Well, that's the thing. There's a... I think we better explain that. Do you want to explain, Gareth, what happened? Well, we were having a coffee the other day, and Emily was wearing a nice khaki... A khaki top. Carkey.

No, I mean she was wearing a khaki top. Oh, I know, yeah, but it was coloured khaki. And I think she had some khaki's. It was all very confusing ensemble. I say ensemble. And Emily was saying that... It was military sheep. Can I just say that?

I so enjoyed saying that ensemble. Oh, well, you should do my job. You get to say it every day. I didn't know I could speak for it. Emily keeps telling us nude scene as well. So Emily said, oh, this is very... I like my look. It's very GI. And I said, it's Private Benjamin.

Do you know? She took out a notebook and wrote that down. Oh, I'm having that. I'm having that for the magazine. She didn't say, could I use that in my magazine? No. It was snatched from me. And then you got all cross,

and I said, as if you're going to use that when you do a gig. So, her, military colours are in. I said, oh, a bit like Private Benjamin. Scootles, Scoot, Scoot. But that's been taken from me now. Well, good luck with it, I mean. I should be looking for it and I should be... If I'm in a newsagent and I see that,

I should say it to people, well, actually, that's my line, Private Benjamin's here. It's cold, Franks, radio, days. I don't mean days as it's stupor. And me days, as in a seven for the weeks old, this is a take not a blooper.