The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: Rabbits Rabbits Rabbits

Episode Date: July 1, 2026

Happy first of the month! Back in 2014, Frank starts off the month deciding he's going to add stage directions to his text messages and they all discuss what you should and shouldn't have on your bookshelf. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank's King's Radio Days, it could go away. Morning started well. We've got banana muffins. I showed you a card once sent to me by a celebrity who shall remain nameless. But let's hope I never show anyone else that card. I'm absolutely astonished. That's a whole exciting television court case, right in town. It really is.

So, yes, banana muffin absolutely lovely. And that's not a euphemism for who the card is from. by the way. No, no, it's not from someone in the adult film industry. No, no, if you're worried, if you're just entered the adult film industry and you're looking for a name, that is still available. Don't worry. Surely that depends on your pet and your mum's maiden name being muffin, doesn't it? Well, I don't know. We'll just break the mode. That's what it's all about, doing something different. You could be the James Joyce's Ulysses of the adult film industry.

We're talking about the adult film industry. It's just barely gone eight o'clock in my sake. I never started it. No, I can't remember it. I suppose it's Victorian, was it? Yeah. When did the moving picture commence? Oh, thanks for looking at me when you asked that. I thought you were in that early stuff. I can see you're tied to a railway truck.

Yeah, I did some work with D.W. Griffiths. Ah, yes. He was a bit dodgy. Yes, he was. Anyway, rabbits. Is that what I was started with? D.W. Griffiths was a bit dodgy. That's not who sent me the card, FYI. Absolutely.

No, exactly. That's not dragging me into this. rabbits yeah what about rabbits isn't that what you're supposed to do the first day of a month that begins with R have I got it wrong

Oh First day of the month M Hang on have I got If it's got an R in it You're supposed to say Rabbits on the first day I hear

I think so I don't know these regional games In London we just said It's March come on Let's go and make some money Oh no It's a religion thing I don't know

It's what happens I wrote my journal Well I didn't write my journal and obviously that would take a tremendous amount of foresight, but I wrote on the page, today's page this morning, Why Rabbit's Question Mark, which would be an interesting when historians discover my journal and think I was some sort of quite reckless naturalist

who asked all the big questions. This is your version of daffodils. Why rabbits? But why rabbits, no. Where four hairs? So is it just, I'm going to say that thing that comedians say when a joke doesn't work. Just me then?

Yeah. Oh, I thought that was. I've never heard that. I thought it was a middle class thing. I thought it's the sort of thing that the children in the line of which in the wardrobe would have done. Again, you looked at me and I'm happy with that. Yeah, okay. And I can exclusively reveal that that didn't happen in our class.

Okay. Check the hole. Thank you for your inquiries, though, at this time. But it's anyway, it's March. Oh, it is March. I find astonishing. Oh, well, it's gone quick. Well, it's only a couple of months ago.

I was refusing to see Old Languant. anxiety on the strength of the independence vote. Yeah. Yeah. And now, here we are. Yeah. You know, they say, someone told me there is a sort of an age chemical that makes the year go quicker, seem to go quicker.

Is that right? Well, my year used to be like, you know, when you take a dog for a walk and it wants to wee on every lamppost, it keeps stopping, it's a real, oh, come on. You used to be like that, and now it's like falling down a lift shaft. Right. Somebody must have changed. And it's that, it's that drug you've taken, is it? It's the, you know, I'm taking the age chemical.

Oh, by the way, you know my thing about the Frank Skinner effect? When you stand on the beach and look at the sea, it looks like your moving and the sea standing still. Oh, yeah. And I said no one's really talked about this before. I could call it the Skinner Effect. Yeah. Turns out that Euclid discussed it, I think, 400 years before Christ.

Oh, spoiler alert. I haven't read any Euclid. I hate to start the show on a donor. Okay, we've got Emily with a text, Emily. I'm rendered speechless at how horrible this radio show became briefly. You haven't been rendered for ages. 598 said, white rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbits, is the term, I believe. That's what you're saying, is it?

That's from Mike in Sevenoaks. Thank you, Mike. Thanks, Mike. I know that you've read that, that's good luck for the whole show. There you go. 665, on an entirely different subject. That's next door to Catherine Jenkins. Frank, do you think Ray Winston has become too Cockney?

Extraordinary question. I know what they mean, though. Do you? You've got to be careful when you discover what they want, as it is, in the entertainment industry, not to give them too much of it. That's all you give them. And I think they probably really want him to be, It was like ancient Rome

And one day I think You know what You know what I'm thinking I'm getting a bit fed up Of the Cockney thing No I think You know it's like It's the Aussie Osbourne thing

You can be too Aussie Osbourne Yeah I just I can't help but doubt it When I see Ray Winston Doing all that geese I think Yeah I'm a geese I'm a real Easter

I'm a real Eastengar And I think you're a child actor You've mixed with people With Pins-Nez All your life You've never Really Pins Ness Don't you think?

Oh, lovely. They're the people that he surrounded himself with, not like proper. Is that why he's destroyed his adenoids, isn't it? He's had his nose blocked. Maybe. When you say, they're the people. You are referring to me. Thank you.

You're from those classes, aren't you? Leave it. It ain't worth it. Anyway, I saw him. No, you need to say he's not worth it, the cockerel. I saw him at the Royal Court playing a part of a sort of strange man who lived in a cold climate. And he wasn't, I don't remember him being very cockney then. he was absolutely excellent. So there's

more to write, Winston. You've just got to be careful, don't overdo it on the old coats with the velvet collar. Because then you'll never be able to wear anything else. You know, I said this to Shawadiwadi, they laughed in my face. Anyway, so I'll tell you what I am enjoying, though.

What? Oh, Fleming. You know I have had a bad gold. Got a bit of Qatar. No, on Sky. That's your new hobby? On Sky, there's a program about Ian Fleming. Oh, yeah.

As you know, he's a friend of the family. Bio-pick. We like those. It's a bio-series. Yeah, I'm waiting to see who plays my mom. Some of you all know, my mom was his cleaner on Golden Eye in Jamaica. Hey, what, she wasn't. You know what? You've stumbled on. I recently learned Alan Cocker in fact.

What's that? I think it was a week ago I read and had a sort of a eureka moment that he wrote Chitty-chitty-bang. Never knew that. Correct. Correct. I could not believe that. You know, that's one of those things that I knew and forgot. Oh, see, I've got to be honest. Have I done that thing?

No. Well, to me, that's a little bit big mo is Gary Oldman's sister. Oh, I think it was not. It was like finding out that Enid Blyton wrote the born identity to me. It was amazing. Enid Blyton wrote the born identity. No, but it was like that. No.

Oh, you see, now I've had one of those matters about it since it's been snatched away from it. People pulling their cars over. Did you know that? No. That was just something I made up that was an equivalent. Anyway. The odd thing about, you know what I was talking about the musketeers, the other week. Oh, yeah?

And I didn't like it because there was too many romps. You don't like a romp phone. I don't want any... I don't want any bedroom things. Voice of prudishness. It's not prudishness. It's just, you know, it's boring. He doesn't say that...

It is. You know what I mean? He just doesn't like to watch it. No, I just don't... It never adds anything to me. But there's a lot of it in Fleming. But I sort of thought, you know, he wrote the James Bond books. Fair enough, it's research.

Yeah. I don't mind it so much. But I am really waiting until he gets out of the Secret Service and starts becoming an author when that... Basically, I'm thinking that's enough espionage. Let's do some typing. Yeah, there's going to be a lot of typing things. Typing, that's what I want to watch on this show.

But you see, what worries me a bit about this, Frank. You know, my fear of biopics is the sort of knowing autobiographical moment. You've talked about this, you know, like when the... Beatles film when they say, so is there someone, I don't know, I would worry about the name, you know, someone booking, even being in a restaurant or something, someone booking a table. My name, Goldfinger. Oh, that would worry me. Well, no, there is a bit, there is a bit of, he writes a report for his superior officer in naval intelligence. And he says, well, this is a real page turner, Fleming. I think you're in the wrong job, and you do think, hmm, but maybe somebody said that to him.

You know, John Lennon's auntie did, so he claims. say to him, get rid of the guitar, it'll never get you anywhere. Yeah, but if someone answers the phone and says, Hello, Kensington, 007, I'll kill myself. Well, that's a bit off at the time. You're not even watching it. That means I have to watch it. I have to phone you and tell you that this has happened.

In the knowledge, it'll lead to your demise. I just feel like I've got a lot laid on me. Do you know what I mean? I've had a few texts, and you know, you announced the number as 8, 20. 12, 15. Has it worked? In your JR Hartley were, yeah.

So we would have more. People can't, they're not that quick with a pencil and paper. One of my favorites begins... I love the idea that people still use pencil and paper. You used to say that at Telly, you're going to just go and get a pencil and paper before we give you the number. Oh, lovely.

Re Fleming. I think all texts should begin us with a re now, because we have such strands. It'll be quite fun, won't it? We'll have stuff like, re-e-houseman. Re-E. Oh, just... What did you say?

A. Houseman, oh, yeah. Yeah, I did. Sorry, I'll sprang that on you, didn't I? What are your least? New listeners, feel free to be confused. That was the A.E. Houseman alarm. It only goes off the first time you mentioned it on the show. Reeve Fleming. Last week, someone said, Licensed to Kill.

So that's... Yes, they do. That is true. But I'm thinking you might have got... You're right, that. That would have been a media switch off for me. And, Frank, I think you'll be disappointed as it's the last episode next. week. Not much time to get the writing in. Oh, thank.

There isn't much time, but it's suited me because I'm down to my last bottle of non-alcoholic wine. I am. And I do find I like a glass of wine with my Fleming. It makes me feel like I'm in the Secret Service in the 1940s. Are you still working your way through that wine, despite finding out there was... Well, it's a shame to waste it. That's the way I see. I'm like worst. Going back to the old 80s, way of thinking, I see.

As Pete Dock as he once said to me, when he was trying to get clean. Seems a shame to waste this, though. And then, you know, we know where we were. Frank Kareem has tweeted us. Oh, yeah. I get to listen live this morning on my FedEx route. Oh, it might be something for me.

Long-time listener, first time whatever you call it. How do I get my number? Oh. We should explain, shouldn't we, Frank? Yeah, it's not a deli counter. No. Cashier number four, please. Did you not see that ticket on the...

Cashure number seven, please. Oh, that's good, isn't it? You know I met the man who does that voiceover. You didn't. Yeah. He was on Room 101, actually, I think. Oh, was he? Yeah, that's where I met him.

Alan Dedicott, that one. He's on his name. It's one of them, isn't it? Yeah. Anyone that gets paid for doing things like that, you know the name of. It's great. Yeah, exactly. We should say what Karim is referring to is the prisoner number at the end of an emissive.

Yes. What it is is that we read out the last three numbers of their numbers of their phone number. Garrett started it. Back in the Garret started. Sorry to bring this up. Yeah. It's fine. It's like talking about an ex. I think he just couldn't bother with the names. It's really fine. Yeah. But, Corin, I don't have your number because you tweeted.

So, um, call me. Here we go. Hi, Frank and team, I've got a total mind blank on the name of the England manager. I've refused to Google thus far. Don't say, don't say. No. I know it's Roy, but I can only think of Roy Walker. It's driving... Roy's slow talk of Walker. It's driving me crazy.

Am I allowed to ask other people for help under your rules? That's Emma 476. No. What do you advise? What it's all about Emma, it's about it's in your brain. What you've got to do is keep opening drawers. Try, you could try going away from it coming back. Yeah.

But, I mean, it is so well known that you're liable to see in a newspaper, something would be frustrated. I believe, Emma, that you will come up with it before the end of this show. And when you do, please text us and let us know we can celebrate. Okay. The problem is with the looking in drawers analogy that you've made is that like when you've lost something like Carl Keyes. It's a bit filthy. That you keep going back to the same place even though you know it's not there.

So your mind will keep going back to Roy Walker, even though you know Roy Walker is not the answer. Well, I'm going to... Shall I get rid of the Roy Walker thing by telling a Rye Walker story? If you want. Rye Slow Talker Walker. Do you want to check it first? No, it's absolutely fine. Okay, it's fine.

He told me that he was at the BBC. with Eric Morkham. They were in that, they were waiting for the lift to arrive. And this was at the time, it was in the 70s, and it was when Michael Parkinson was a bit of a man-about town super cool dude. Oh, turning up in an E-type. So the, yeah, turning up in an E-type, exactly. And the E-type, that's a phrase that's changed his way, is it?

Anyway, they were waiting for the lift. The doors opened, and there was Michael Parkinson. in a full-length black leather coat. Full-length black-leather coat and a black-leather cap, matching black-leather cap. Well, he's on his way to fire? And Eric Morecambe said, hello, Parkie, have you come as a wallet? Oh, we still miss him. Do you remember someone texted in not long ago, so I feel confident you will remember.

Okay, don't give it, too confident. Saying they didn't understand what the number was. I'm not mentioning this person's name for a reason. Okay. Because they have texted in their three number, Monica. I can remember their name. Monica? What was it?

Karim. Okay. Because it reminded me of Karim Abdul Jabbar, who fought Bruce Lee in the film. Well, we've just had... It reminded me of crunchy Karim. We've had a text in... The down, not magnet. Carry on.

Saying, it's 316. It's pronounced. pronounced Karim, not Kareem. I don't think... I'll do it. It's written this, isn't it? Yeah. You're giving it quite a bit of...

It's pronounced... I mean, it might just say, oh, you know, it's pronounced Kareem. It might be all friendly. Unless... Kareem, not... In any real sort of... You know, I'm texting you anyway, otherwise I wouldn't mention it. But, hey, it's Kareem, just correct.

Don't worry about it. Just I want my number to be used now. Okay. But with you... Unless unbeknown to us... Look. If you're going to... I mean, you know, it's open to interpretation.

One thing I'm renowned for is interpretation of tone. I want to know if he's texted you and put in brackets, read with heavy, signing voice, close brackets, and you just haven't told me, in frank. Is that the most female thing I've ever done? Well, it's up there. Well, women do do that. I'm sorry, I'm allowed to make that generalisation, like terrible old club.

But you see my... Thing about women, what they do is. Women do this, men do that. Yeah. That's why text relationships are so difficult, isn't it? Yes. Listen, when I get text, I always assume the worst tone. Do you really?

So if someone's saying, okay, call you later, I assume, okay, call you later. Is this I assume the worst talk for the best tonight? Yeah. Oh, God, it's true. I am going to start putting stage directions. Yeah. And if there's no... Soto votchy. You sent me a lovely text the other day, but I couldn't find the kiss.

And what you've done is you've done a kiss in the middle, but then you've done a P.S. Yes. And so I assumed there was no kiss. I thought, well, what a lovely text? And I thought, well, why did he choose not to put a kiss? kiss on that? Did it look like the cold saw?

What if I'd put in bracket? Sorry about no Kiss got a cold sore. That's what I'm going to start doing. I'm going to start giving stage directions.

I'm going to put warmly affectionate but with edge before I start on everything. Not on everything. I'm not always warmly affectionate.

Just keep the edge. Just FYI, all the men out there I am. What about when you put CC instead of Kiss Kiss Kiss? Oh, that's awful. Well, I have often,

I fact I texted days it the other day and then text it back to confess that it wasn't supposed to end C, it was supposed to end with a kiss and I've met the most terrible fool of myself. Why doesn't that,

let them give X a bit of space there on them? You know, they know it's the significant, the most significant to the texting letters because it involves the kissing or not kissing. Just, you know, give us a bit of thumb room, for goodness sake.

I'm saying thumb room, I actually use my index finger, but I'm just trying to sound you could, We could get you one of those phones with the big buttons if you want. Will that help? No, I'm going to start using one. You know, those sort of pencil things that people are used? I'm going to get one of the...

What do they call those? I think pencil things... No, they've got a special name. Equipment for idiots? 8.12.15. What do they call those things that you use to press the keyboard with if you can't press it? Start your text with read those pencil things. Yes.

With edge. I can't even begin to count the amount of texts and emails. missus we've had in, telling us the name of what you call that stick thing. The pencil. Oh no, but hold on a minute. This is a dilemma that I'm speaking to the lady that couldn't remember the England manager's name. Yeah.

If you tell me now, I've sort of Googled it. Yeah. Don't I have to remember it? You have to remember it. You sure it isn't called that stick. No. Is it like a... So you're opening the drawers in your head now?

Yeah, I am, which is difficult when you're trying to walk around. We should say, yeah, Frank has referred to it as that pencil thing, and that pencil thing. and that stick thing. Yeah, but can I just say we've had a massive volume of texts about it, but many of them have put in their own stage directions as well, which is great. Left eyebrow raised and woody undertones is one of them.

Stage direction palm face from Helen, which I think is that. 118 says with an owing smile. What about 587, enthusiastic yet anxious? Oh, dear, story of my personal life. Somebody's given us the plural, which derives from Latin. Yes. Styeless.

Oh, there you go. Come on. Yeah! I got it. You got a bit Stuart Pearson here. No, I tell you what it's gone. It's gone of it. It's gone of it. Yeah.

It's gone. And stylai. It's the plural. Is it? Yeah, what? I think he's going to struggle to stylish this. Talk about you. You've embarrassed yourself. This is marvellous. I could have danced all night.

This is genuine joy. That moment when you remember. Now, the lady who texted in about the England manager, she's moving towards that moment. Yeah, just think you could be doing this to yourself. Can you give me right now? I'm just need to, I'm going to just leave you all alone for a second while I bask. We've taken on a bit of editing and tightly. Finding things quite frightening. This spray.

denim gets a softer, lighter update. Introducing Old Navy's drapey denim wide leg, a new fit that moves with you. It's everything you want denim to feel like for summer. Easy, breathable, and effortlessly cool. With a fit that creates natural movement and a wide leg that feels modern, not overwhelming. Plus, that signature, wait, for this price, moment.

Old Navy's drapey denim wide leg. Are you one of those media strategy people clicking through slides, scrolling spreadsheets. Yes? Good. This is for you. Because on Spotify, there's an audience that's different. Locked in. Loyal, invested.

They're called fans. Fans don't just listen to music. They feel seen by it, like it belongs to them. So when your brand shows up on Spotify, that's who you're talking to. And you're right next to artists like me, Lizzo. So, are you ready to talk to fans? Spotify advertising. You're among fans.

We've got been days, a dogway days As it's true As in the sevens of the week So this is a take out a gloat We've got various strands running From the previous hour Of, I haven't Broadcasting

You speak for yourself You are a debt Do you know Alan's a jellyfish That's why you said that I think one of the more pressing ones Is 476 Also known as Emma Oh Emma! She's remembered

Thanks for the advice, Frank It worked It's Roy Hodgson. Yes. What I like is that she told me as if I didn't know it. Exactly. And then goes on to say, ah, I feel so much better now.

Brackets, stage direction, read out with relieved sigh. Ah, I feel so much better now. That's how I should have read it. And do you remember, how could you forget, Karim? Yes. Or is it Karim? Oh, no. No, it's Karin.

Oh, is it Karim? You're winding him up now. You're deliberately winding him up. I genuinely can't remember. I'm going to call him K. I'm calling him K. Sanita, he's going on a two-man mission to Mars with someone else. Never mind. What's the strangest thing you've ever said?

I was a joke. I was working towards relieved sigh about Simon Cowell, but I just, it collapsed. Terrible start to the hour. I still don't get it. I don't know what to do it. Because Simon Cowell would be relieved if Sanita went on a two-man mission to Mars with Talisa. You know what I liked about that? For example, or Cheryl Carl.

Why are you still doing this? It's complicated, isn't it? Because what I'm doing is, you know when you see those World War II films when there's people picking about in the rubble, looking to see if there's any of their belongings left that they can salvage? That's what I'm doing. Get off. You're returning to the scene of the joke that didn't work.

They remind me, who is that man who used to do the autism? topsy's with the hat. It's what he does poking about when he's got no business. Oh, von Hagen's. You were a fan, I seem to recall. Yes. Yes, he was, I went to one of his dead body exhibitions. Yeah, well, that's what you just did with that joke. You're right, okay.

Okay, so Karim, Karim. I've been graved into the dirt ground. Carry on. Karim, K. K, I'm calling him Kay. Kaye just said, um, I feel like I'm famous now. Frank's take on events was correct. No malice intended.

See? No, my lease intended, surely. Yeah. Okay. See, I'd know. Yeah. But you have to, you have to put your poison in these people. Oh, yeah, I'd always put my poison in these people. Just one more text to keep the going. OI, you didn't read my number out.

Stage direction, exasperated disappointment. That's from Helen. 766. But you could have put it in the text, Helen, if you wanted me to say 766. Well, well, and that's not the rules. Well, that's what many people do. Do they? Yeah.

Well, 688, who I love, says, I'm the same, M. I always expect the worst tone from texts. The few of the exclamation marks, the moody of the sender. Surprise, surprise, I'm a 16-year-old girl, loving the show. This is all very well. But what you're encouraging indirectly, I warn you now where this will go. All right, Nostradamus. People will start thinking, oh, I don't want anyone think I'm being a bit off here.

I know I'll put a smiley face on the end Is that what you want? Is that what you want people doing that? No. No, get out. So David Cameron had Angela Merkel in this week, didn't he? Oh yeah, he did.

And there was a picture of her on his sofa. Very expensive sofa, that one. And it showed all his books. Now that's my favourite thing. I love seeing the fixtures and fittings. Well, I love looking at people's... bookcases. If I go to someone's house, I will get up and go and have a proper look, and you can tap a C. They start apologising. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that one wasn't, that was a gift and all that.

Excuse the Andy McNabb. They apologise. Yeah, absolutely. That's, on it, hardback Andy McNabb. Have you got Andy McNabb? You laughed of it guiltily. He has. Probably got Bravo 2-0 somewhere in there. Have you? Yeah, probably. In the same way, I've probably got Bridget Jones. Although that was a very good book, I thought. It's really good. He's got the ginger pig meat book. Mm-hmm. Okay. Mick Hucknell. The River Cottage every day.

Yeah. George Michael. So we have to do a name. Do we have to do a celebrity for every one of these books? Let's set ourselves an impossible task. The thing is, I don't believe this. All these cooked on the shelf. I know. I think you confessed.

Anyway. I thought it was a brave, it's always a brave move. So I do feel sorry for Cameron with that, because people will be analysing. People like yourself, Frank. I think they should enjoy that, that people are analysing it. He should have just had in the background

of the sort of photograph, just like overcoming anxiety, a guide to public speaking, feel the fear and do it anyway. The Crusades soon sees the art of war. You should have just gone. If you'd have had the Crusades, that would have caused us to do.

Wouldn't it? I'll hear what he has got. A classic for people who aren't interested enough in books to fill a small bookcase. He had some DVD box sets. Oh, yeah. Filling up the space. Oh, come on.

Haven't got enough books. This is the Prime Minister. He can't think of enough books he wants to read to fill up. And also, what is this thing? And he says, the tweet that he sent, and I've invited... He's not a man of letters, David Cameron. No, but he says, I've invited him around to my Downing Street flat. Yeah. Is that not the family home down in street?

No, they live in number 11, which has a bigger apartment than number 10. No, number 11, isn't that George Osborne's house? No, because it's bigger, they live in the apartment in number 11, but the apartment is above the house, I'm led to believe. He hasn't got to pretend Bachelor Flat like he's pretending he's still single, like Mariantoinette pretending she was a dairy maid in the grounds of Versailles. No, I don't believe so. No, she's still got it.

I don't think it's very like that. No need with wife like that. I found the whole thing, I don't know. I don't like two people sitting on a sofa talking like that because they're obviously natural. Did you ever see unplanned? No, but on planned, no. We didn't talk to each other that much. We spoke out. And that's their inclination is to look out. But they felt they had to look at each other to show that we were at war.

I didn't like her shoes either. They were all twisted around. I know it's trivial and she does some. fine work, but I don't like the shoes. Yes. If you're in a cart, it's all right, because you've got somewhere to look forward. On a sofa? No. You think they should have gone for a drive together?

That would have been... Yeah, that would be great, bit of privacy. In Miner in his series three, should have liked that, German. Especially if you'd have had David and Angler on the Sunstrip. Oh, better still, Britain and Germany on the Sunstrip. Excellent. I think that, you know, have you seen that phenomenon on the internet called the Shelfy when people do a selfie of them standing in front of their own bookcase.

No. Yes. Yeah, see, I think that in those instances, they must have moved a few about and thought, I'll take that one out. Yeah. You're going to do an 80, aren't yet? Oh, I do a Watergate sweep before I've got people coming over.

Watergate sweep, yeah. That's what I do. One of the less successful poppits. Yes, the very political version. Very heavily political. And also, suddenly, like, really bad edits in the middle of this talk So you have something missing. Yeah, I think people do.

I think people take out their embarrassing books. I do. Especially if I have a man, because I've got to get rid of all the self-help. It's so off-putting, isn't it? You can't have men who hate women and the women who love them. Yes. Is that a real book? With the scented candles.

But you see, there is a time. You know? There is a time when men would deliberately have men are from Mars, women are from Venus, to make it look like they were at least trying. Yeah. That would work. If someone had that, I'd really, I'd probably. probably go first date, if you know what I mean.

I saw that on the shelves. It would speed things up for them. Let's say me and you would just met in a, I don't know, let's say a brass. In a chat room. I'd say a brasserie. A wine bar. Yeah. A bistro. You're on the non-alcoholic.

And I took you back to my apartment. Oh. And I had 50 shades of grey in it. What would your, would you think I need to get out of your fast? I think you might be gay. Would you? I think it's quite a camp thing to have a good. She didn't hear me. I said 50 shades of grey.

If I had 50 shades of gay in my bookshelf, I think that would be fair at all. I just think it's quite camp, girly thing to have. Okay. I don't know. Either that, or yeah, it wouldn't bother me. I haven't got it. Can I point that out? No. It wouldn't distress me. I feel it was quite mass market and quite vanilla, to be honest.

I think if you came around, the only book I'd be really ashamed of in my bookcase would be... In my bookcase, would be... Down and out in Paris and London. No, no, I'm happy with that. It'd be the biography of Simon D. Oh, no. Because it's your book and Heather returned it to you. Oh, that would be awful.

That would be the only problem I'd have. I'm glad you've mentioned the self-improvement reading, though, because I currently, I think, may be doing the most boring. Sort of something. If I come up with a book telling you how to do really good photos of yourself, could I call it selfie improvement? Yes. Yeah.

I'm writing it down. Get that down. Let's do that for Christmas. It's been a heady morning from the way, what with the stylisting. Were you doing, I was going to say, on the cover of that, can you do your traditional punching gesture? Okay, I'll do that. Can I say that after I got the stylus?

The stylus answer, I built on the desk a pyramid of wine glasses and pour the bottle of non-alcoholic wine on the top, so they all filled up. It was really wonderful. It was really glamorous. Yeah. See, three weeks ago, I've had to have done that with Bavril. So thank God for non-alcoholic wine.

I think I may be indulging in some of the most boring self-improvement reading ever. Right now, I'm in the middle of a book called Lasker's Manual of Chess. I'm reading. Is that, I mean, both of you look like, oh God, that is boring. That was guilt, that film, because, as you know, my two years ago, I think my New Year's resolution was to learn chess. Was it? Well, tell you what, I'll race through Lasker's manual and then I'll lend it to you. It begins, I think it's his fifth language and it begins something like that I wrote this book, yay, I wrote it with joy and then something else, and you think,

very good use of yay. Yeah, exactly, it's great. So, yeah. What about Inside the Minds of Angry Men? I love that book. Have you got that? Yeah, I've got that. Do you think when...

I wrote that. When, inside the minds of Angry Men, was it more topical than a knife? blow. Yes, I know. I understand that. I'm just thinking if... I'd walk past those.

If when the cockerel offered to loan me Lasker's... Manual of Chesska's manual of chef with that little twinkling his eye, could it have possibly been a night's move? Oh! And also, what is Lasker's porn name?

Franks to tell you. A moment ago before that, you did a couple of chess-based puns. I do. And I predicted... straight after, oh, we'll now have, we'll be inundated with chess-based punners. 131, who's one of our regular keenest punners, has immediately texted. Did you check it out of the library, Alan?

Oh. Masker's manual of chess. Did you check it out? Good work. Good work, mate. Yes. 546. I once took my full set of Doctor Who target books off of my bookshelf when an ex-girlfriend was coming around for the first time.

I feel dirty for having done it. You do. And so you should. I'm trying to work out if that would put me off. If I saw... Well, it would put some people off. You're always very anti-hoo. You think it would put you off.

Well, no, but I think at least it would hint at a passion of some sort. Yes. Which I would prefer to know books. Yeah. Yeah. What about 50 shades of Galafray? The 514 has texted morning folks For four years, I've had a tijin sitting in my kitchen.

I've yet to use it. Can you enlighten me to the wonders of this implement? Is it like a stew pot thing? Stu pot, yeah. Remember Stu pot? Yeah, he went to my drama school. Hi, Mark, I'm listening. Hi, Stuart pot.

I haven't heard of stew pot for years. He's obviously one of the lucky ones. He kept his nose clean, good man. I believe it's like a, clay oven, isn't it? Exactly. Sort of a hood. You get it in a Moroccan restaurants.

My brother-in-law made me one. He made you a tijin. He made me a tijin, yeah. He really loves me. Well, there's people in my life I really love, but, you know, I wouldn't know where to start if I wanted to make them a tijin. And I know, you can't tell me where to start.

It started with a kiln, I believe. Because I am the man. Oh, I love that song. Let's not forget, I'm the man who, sorry, I'm just going to start. Sorry. Are you doing a terrible joke again? No. Go on.

I was going to talk. He's having five years old. No. Get it out your system. Go on. No, I was just going to... Come on. Come on.

...hark back to when I did a voice over for an advert at the beginning of my career. And it was, don't know where to start. Exchange of Malt. Was it? Okay, no, no, no, no, that's not good enough. I want to know the exact tone of voice. You know, Tony's everything to me. How did you say it?

I don't know, Tony. Is it everything to you? You'll be the minute. Okay, Frank. Let's go. Okay, Frank. don't know where to start exchange in March

That's great Frank Sounded a bit toppy Can we do one more Yeah sorry I got to Can we just have a drink of water Calvin Can you hear me Can I just have another drink

Thanks Calvin Hold on that Don't know where to start Exchange and Mart That's great Frank I love the laughter in your voice there Is that all right

Yeah Let's go with that one I thought I'd give it a try and see how that work Sounded very blokey Let's do another one for safety. Let's do one more for safety. Okay. Do you know where to start?

Stay there. Okay, you sound a bit unwell there, Frank. No, I just thought... I just want to give you the option. No, let's not do unhinged. Okay. Okay. Can I...

Actually, could I have just a break just for... Sure. Okay. Do you know where to start? Doing at what? I'm just trying a few. Just trying a few in the... Sorry, you're getting that.

I'm just trying to... 418, we've been talking a lot about trying to remember things and obviously not Googling. Lisa says, Morning Frank and Co, useful tip. Whenever I can't remember a name, I go through the alphabet in my head, confirming names for each letter. It works every time. Lisa, I do exactly the same thing, and it works every time. If there's a man I dated and I'm trying to remember, I just go through. Well, I've tried that method.

It doesn't work for me. Does it not? Because, don't you find, you're saying, oh, it's... It's Susan something. Susan, it begins with Jay. Susan, not Jack. Poor Abdel! That's how it always works for me.

That's not how my mind works in a slightly more efficient way. That's useful, isn't it? Frank. Yes. You too okay. 268 says, great show as usual. Oh, sorry, some praise slipped out. I'm sorry.

I do get the feeling that I'm listening to the voices of creature comforts at times, just an observation. Well, if they should have put that on radio, I think of the money they'd have saved on plasticine. Yeah. Hang on. Does that make, does that mean that I'm the voice of an animal? You do sound very creature comforts, Alan, don't you think?

Hey, you know, we were talking earlier about books and reading? Oh, yeah. Also on the Cameron bookshelves were some children's books, which I thought was interesting. Oh, was it? I read to a little bit of quite a for a flower. They were on the top shelf. and they wouldn't have been able to erect them. Oh, that's a good point, yeah.

Unless there were the special ones that only the adults can read to the children in case the kids wreck them. That's another option. Oh, the pop-ups? Yeah, maybe. But I read to my son and daughter, and I use them as an opportunity to play outside of my casting bracket. It's quite good.

Oh, that's good, Al. I'd love to hear your Cinderella. Yeah, that sort of thing. And sometimes, you know, if I'm doing the roll d'art, we've just finished the BFG, sometimes I'll be quite a... the Queen's voice is in there quite a lot. Oh, I bet you're good at that. I can't even remember what I did for her.

Oh, you sure you can. You still want to do it on paid, on air. I'm right? That's the critical detail. I mean, I don't get the kids to pay me to read the stories at home either. Not really? However frugal you think I am. I find you do tend to get reviews, though.

Yeah, or I was sitting in a book. Absolutely. I sat in a book shop the other day with my son, Boz, and I was reading him. He'd get a book off the shelf, and I'd start reading it, And like two-paints in, he'd go, no. And he'd just take it off me and put it back on the shelf. What a vicious book critic he would make.

Like he's in five? No. Actually no. What was that? That was what Five said to me when they saw me. Oh, yes. I can't believe that. They looked at me, gave me the once-over, actually no. You give you a onesie?

Are you saying they put you back on the shelf? Frank, I don't want this show to end without discussing Daddy Cowell. Oh, okay. Daddy Cow, Daddy Cow. Ooh, Daddy Cow! What about Daddy Cowell this week? We are talking about Simone Cowell, who's a friend of the show. Is it?

Yes, I've decided, Frank. Oh, is he not? Can't he be an acquaintance? Can't he be an acquaintance of the show? One night stand of the show? His ways are not my ways. His thoughts, not my thoughts. Well, what about his outfits?

Are they your outfits? Do you be wearing this? There is something that did take me back to, something I have to confess. Well, should we discuss what he wore first? We'll set the scene. So Daddy Cowell was taking Baby Eric. I always call him Baby Eric. Baby Eric.

I'm growing fond of that child. Good hairline. For a stroll in the LA, it was dusk because they all had shades on. Daddy Cowell, he was... Which is weird. Yeah. He was wearing the high-wasted gene, which is we know he favours. Well, what's he?

Then he has the long boot cut to cover the lift. on the shoes. Allegedly. Allegedly. Isn't it? Oh, is it allegedly? Is he going to sue us, is he? He's got enough money.

He could just start having novelty lawsuits to just while away his time, couldn't he? And with his, with the baby mother, Lauren, and the ex-fiance and baby Eric, and two male friends. They look nice. I think they were the security,

weren't they? Oh, were they security? Well, one of them might have been the, apparently he's hired a bot, who just changes nappies. That's his total job. No. What about he's bought black leather snow boots for the dogs?

Anyway, we'll get on to that. Can I just say that's the first job I've heard about in the media that I think, I could do that. I could actually change nappies, so I can change. I've got a salable skill, finally. I've been a long time coming. I'm going to changing nappies, but if he asked me, I'd say now. Can we discuss?

You should be doing that. Can we excuse me, what about what he had on his top, Frank? What did he had the jeans? He had the belt, and then what was on the top? Before we get to that, I just want to my inner way that, think the world has changed. Okay. In one of the Eastern monarchs in ancient times,

he had a servant and who had one job, and his job was to occasionally... You had one job. Occasionally stop the monarch and say to him, sir, one day you will die. That was his job. That's kind of like... Is that my job here? That's the second job I've heard about that I could do.

The trouble is, he'd say, what do you mean? Die. What do you mean die? What do you will die? What does that mean? You will die. Don't understand. He had the jeans, Frank, the high-wasted jeans. Now what did he have on the top?

Well, he had a white open neck shirt. No, he had nothing. He had a bare, some burnt chest. We're on about two different pictures, I think. After there was a picture of him in a white, open shirt, not topped in. Well, that's acceptable. It was a totally. sunburnt chest in the evening with jeans and a belt.

Yeah. He's like the Hulk. Incredible Hulk. Yes, except you haven't got those raggedy bottom bits on. Yes. No, I did say that, yes. I found that more... I'll tell you what, the white shirt, if I may just go back to that, reminded me. In the days when Sontans were seasonal, rather than you got them from a shop. Yeah. When, I mean, I've done this, I must say.

You get back from holiday. use the icon of Saturday or a Sunday. And then when you lay your clothes out for Monday morning back at work, you get every white item that you've got. Yeah, you do. I've gone into work in a singlet. No. When I've had a tan.

When a tan was somewhat special that you had to go into a lot of the contrary to get. Yeah, string vest. Yeah. And that's what the white shirt reminded me of, because he looked like he'd properly scorched. I mean, that was a proper tan. What happened, I think. Not that I've been remotely forensics.

about this. But I think he took the white shirt off. I think it was hurting him so much. That's why he just thought, I can't bear this. When the seams, when the seams are at your sunburn. Oh, I never thought of that. But you can't wander around like that with no top on. But the high top jeans, not with the assembled press of the world following you around

particularly. I think I don't, I don't, if you actually look and put out of your mind that Simon Kell wears famously wears high-wasted jeans, I I don't think he does. I think we all have, it was a joke. You know, I've done this joke myself in the past.

When I say in the past, I mean 10 years ago, people are still doing it, about him having high-wasted jeans. Because, you know, but I don't think, are they high-wasted? I'm sorry, I've produced, I've got about 15 photographs on my phone. I think it's because we want to see. It's like one of these. No, they are high-wasted. You know, there are sentences that have a word in them twice,

and you read the sentence and you don't notice because your brain. Right. He has to do it for the extra height. He's about, anyway, we can't talk about the height because you think he's going to sue. Surely that makes him look shorter if he's only barely appearing above the top of his jeans. You get them really high, right, up to his armpits.

Yeah, why doesn't he take the pockets out and put his arms through there? And then have the zip as a sort of open neck thing? Step further. Dungrees. It's not a very nice. That was it, what's the first family outing photo of you? Oh, there's Dad with his top off.

And it's horrible, isn't it? It is a bit Vladimir Putin. What about the dogs? Did you see Squiddly and Didley? Oh, the dogs. The dogs were licking baby Eric. And he's bought them leather boots. What the dogs?

Yeah. No way. It's just some creeping Camden Town. He's got the dog's boots. It said Simon... They've got nature's boots. So adores the dogs. He's bought them cashmere sweaters and leather snow boots.

Oh, this reminds me... The leather snow boots on a dog. This reminds me of the banana guard that my wife spent money on. It's got his natural... It's a peel and dogs have got feet. They don't need boots. It's almost as if he's an overridge product of a superficial society. Could that be?

I'm worried about the black shoes with jeans. Oh, yeah. Oh, you hate that, don't you? I don't like black shoes. It's very Nancy Delolier. I just don't. I think that's a mistake. I don't like a frayed bottom either.

Me neither. That's one of my rules. Oh, you mean on jeans? Oh, I see. I just, I like a flayed bottom. But that is, that's it with us in the, in the S&F community. I think, though, if you live in a warm climate, like LA, I think people dress badly in warm climates.

It's because, you know, you get people, those moccasins without socks, things that men go for. Cowl would never do that, though, according to Emily, with his... With the lift issue. You can't wear a built-up moccasin, can we? Our lawyers are watching. No, but true people do. dressed badly in warm climates, I'll give you that. What I would say is they don't go out for dinner with a jean and a belt.

A black leather belt? A black leather belt. I'll say it again. I feel like that. A bear torso. Some meant torso. Sometimes when I'm on a dog walk with my wife and children, I will pretend to take my shirt off as people are approaching and my wife will go, put that shirt back on.

And I think that's what happened there. He's gone out. He's got his girlfriend and his ex. and so he's gone, I'm going to take my shirt off, and his girlfriend has gone, put that shirt back on, and the ex has gone, I think it looks all right, just keep it off if you want, and he's gone, I'm doing it.

I sit there off, he's done it, and the girlfriend's gone, and then she said to herself, hold on, what am I throwing away here? I like it, I like it, Simon, looks good. Well, that's the thing. I was thinking about that, though, when I looked at that, and I thought, well, look what she's having to do, really. And then I thought, yeah, but the best position, rather than the girlfriend or baby Eric would be one of the dogs.

Simon Cowell's dogs would be a good job. That's a nice life. Yeah, it's perfect. Do you think? Yeah. I don't know. I imagine they could get trapped in his chest hair. Well, to be honest.

And you have to wear snow leather boots. The first thing I looked for on that shirt off photo was belly button fluff. Because if I did that, it looked like that little bit of hamster fluff that you get. But he must have checked first before removing the shirts. I've probably got some in now. That's... We've taken all my radio shows and don't have been of editing and timing.

It's a walk down. Find new thing. Hey, y'all. It's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair.

With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.ca.ca. Wayfair, every style, every home.