The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: Rubber Cookie

Episode Date: August 12, 2026

The team are back in 2014 and also in Manchester! Frank’s broken a tooth, Emily’s been in Texas and the gang chat April fools! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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We're in Manchester. Yeah. From where I'm sitting now, I can see what I think is probably the Manchester Ship Canal. Is that right? Yeah. I thought it was man's in humanity to man, is what I could see. No, I think it looks beautiful, and it's symbolic of the pathway, which brought great industry and effort from this city to the rest of the contrary.

Of course, the Midlands canals, they're symbiotic, aren't they? No, there's, you know, we've only before about facts that people tell you as if they're new facts, but everybody knows them. Birmingham, what do you think the fact is I'm thinking of? Oh, is this... More canals than Venice. More canals than Venice. Everybody tells you, you know Birmingham has got my...

Yes! The taxi driver this morning said there's a nice canal there, I'll show you. Where was he from? That was the same as your impersonation of me. I don't like the idea that I'm doubling up jobs. I'm driving you in hand. It was kind of a similar accent. I don't like the idea of someone offering to show you a canal.

Yeah, many change from puppies. What about the studio? It's so state of the art, Frank. It's very abetra uncovered in here, isn't it? It's quite ravey. It's lovely. Why are we in Manchester, you're asking? I was asking. I think we were all asking. No, I am, I'm on tour at the moment, so I was in Preston, which is nearby, last night, and I'm in Preston tonight.

So it was just crazy to go back to London. This is my second time in Manchester this week. Is it? I just call it Manchester alone. I'm like Sir Alex Ferguson. You just can't quit Manchester. I'm just lingering around, you know, looking down and being a brooding presence. What about I got the train down with Daisy and Charlie?

And we sat down, Frank. I'm not going to like it's first. Nice. And a businessman was there. You got first, did it? Yeah, I insisted. Okay. And we went down and I said, just FYI,

I'm your worst nightmare. I said we have, I did. Didn't I say that, Daisy? I said, we have loads of bags and we talk a lot. He laughed. A few minutes later, so we heard the guard, the guard came over and went down here, sir. We can move you down here.

Oh, no. He moved. Good for him. Good for him. And then the guard said, would you like to see a canal? Everyone on the train was thinking, yeah, we know a canal, we can show you.

Well, I think it's lovely to be here, Yeah, oh, I'm very excited. I like it. We haven't had an away day for a very long time, so it's... I love it. It's a team bonding exercise. That's what you make it sound like an away day. I think it is a bit like that.

I think maybe we should pretend to be animals of our own choice after. Oh, okay. I do that anyway on Saturday morning. It's just none of you've picked up on it. No. I thought there was an element of koi poo. It's an animal. I broke...

My tooth is so jagged on the inside. I was eating a wasabi pig. No offence, but I didn't notice. Yeah. It's on the inside, anyway. I was eating a wasabi pee at Houston Station. Oh, yeah. On my way to Manchester. Oh.

And suddenly, I felt a loud crack gone in my mouth. And I'd basically split a big piece off my tooth. Oh, what happened then? And then it was loose, but it was still dangling by a thread. So it was there for a couple of days, you know, when they do that. And then I was... A couple of days? Yeah.

Because normally you go and get it fixed, darling. No, I don't. Media appointments. Exactly. They've rushed off my feet. He had a big shoot for Hello magazine to do. So I was in an older shot earlier in the week. We stopped off at the Big Fry, which is...

God, you've got about this week, haven't you? It's an award winning. It won an award. It's a fish and chip shop. Won an award for Best Love Small Business in the UK. Lovely. And I had fish and chips there. I swallowed, the tooth came out in a mouthful of a card and I swallowed it.

This is one of the worst stories you've ever told. 792 has texted us. This is Oliver from Manchester. Hi guys, just to let Frank know that swallowing a piece of your tooth is completely harmless. I'm no dentist. But I swallowed... I'm glad that, because I was starting to think at last some of professional advice. No.

Oliver says, I swallowed many a piece of tooth from time to time. He doesn't say whether they're his own canines. I hope you like it here. P.S. I hope you like it here. Maybe you can show me the canal later, Oliver. Well, I am. Well, that's good news, though, because I was thinking, you know, about would my digestive juices take on anything as hard as a tooth? I think they would.

But then someone was telling me a friend of mine that his son, they did an experiment at their school. One of the kids, their tooth came out, as is away with kids. Yeah. And they got two, I think they got two, two tooths. You see, you've got to be saying tooth now. I used to say, tots. And they put one in a glass of water and one in a glass of Coca-Cola over, over the weekend. Oh, wow.

When they got back on Monday, one in the water, as you'd expect, completely normal. Other tooth, gone. Was it? Gone. Totally gone. This is he a guy, obviously. I don't have any hard and fast chemical proof of this. Just get veneers, it's fine.

Stephen Manfredi says, will Alan be showing you around his favourite haunt, pound land, pound world, 99-p store, hashtag thrifty. Wow, that's unfair. Is it unfair? It is a bit, yeah. Oh, that's a bit unfair. I'm shouting you down already. I went to the Arndale yesterday, lovely.

Right. I prefer the northern quarter in Manchester. See? A bit of local material for you there. I'm not the thrifty one that my reputation is painted. Well, here's something you might be able to help me with, though, Alan. This is your area, I think. Yeah, yeah, let's go for it.

I was, when I was in Manchester earlier in the week, I was very hungry on the train. Oh, yeah. And, you know, there's Cornwall pasty stores that we get at railway stations. So I was going to get a pasty, and the person I was where it said, oh, it's 20 to 10. And I said, yeah, and she said, I don't know. It's up to you. I wouldn't, I personally, I wouldn't eat a pack. before 10.

Really? But people, people are like that. Have you never done that when, say... No, people have rules there. Like if you want a whiskey or something. Yeah, exactly. When people say stuff like chips for breakfast. Yeah.

Where does that come from that there's certain times in the day you're supposed to have food? Surely that's one of the pleasures of being an adult. You can just eat when you like, what you like, or not at all, if you like. Sometimes I'll get in late and have a couple of eating me. Oh, really? What about cake in the morning? Oh, there's nothing finer.

See, I like savory foods in the morning. I quite like, you know... When you're in France, then you get, like, boiled ham and stuff on that breakfast. Yeah, I'm all over that sort of stuff. Pizza, everything. Did you have... I don't understand. I was in Japan once for a month, and when you get up...

Hate Japan. Absolutely hate Japan. Oh, my goodness. I just don't like it as a country. Well, I like to. I like to. these people. I don't like to the country. And one of the things about it is when you have breakfast in the hotel, it's just like every other meal. There's no special breakfast food in Japan.

You just have sushi and all that tempura. That's what you were like in Manchester train session. It's about 40. I doubt really. Was there lattice on the pasty? Lettis? Lattice. Lattice. Lattice. You know the latticing on the top of it. Do you get that on pasties? Yes. No, poor pies you get it. No, there's latticing. Come on, you've been the most terrible fool.

I really haven't. In the central section, I'm calling it the central reservation area, there's a latticing on a pasty. No. Simply no. If anyone's ever seen latticing on a pasty, on a pasty, then I don't mean a pasty as... Text us on H.R. 15.

I don't mean a pasty as worn by a burlese dancer, I'm in the edible kind. Then do texting because I... No. 5, 6, 8. I'm with Emily. The posh pasty has it. So much better. Yeah, I don't think that person can be trusted because they've written pasty, P-A-S-T-I-E.

Oh, there you are. Hello, I'd like a pasty, please. Good luck. Oh, dare you. I dare you say that about someone who's joined in. I like Vince's text, which just says crimping, not latticing. That's what they mean. Crimpin's a very, crimping, you get around.

It's a crossed work. Yeah, on a Cornish pasty. It would have crimping, not lattice. But latticing is open, isn't it? You can see the inner style. Exactly. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about proper... I don't think you can see, Charlie.

You're squirming like a worm and a hook. You just don't like it, because there is a posh pasty, isn't there? Well, have we established that? I don't think so. 312 says swallowing a bit of tooth will be harmless. The acid of your digestive system will erode it away. Really? I'm no professional. They're all at it.

That's work on a pasty. Isn't that just like a steak bake? Lovely. That's Ben and Ken. Like a steak bake, but that's not a pasty. Like a steak bake, touch for the very first time. Do you know of a hykoo? I love that song.

How a trick-all. It's one of her best. One of the least measured texts that we've had is lattice on a pasty, no. Is that from Morrissey? Lattice on a pasty, I know, I know. It's against nature and it's against God, and he's a pasty heretic. Proud to be so.

Well, I think the tie's with me, M. I'm sorry. Yeah, but at least things have moved on from you've made a very great fool of yourself. Well, I don't know if they've moved on from them. I think that's a basis on which they've been built on, or has been built a mighty tower. Is that the bedrock? I see where I played a theatre the other night, and it was the theatre where there's a plaque there. And it was the last ever appearance in this theatre by Billy Fury. Oh, I love Billy Fury.

I used to, I should say. Lest night, I'm really on, Billy Fury, yeah. Ronald Witcherly was his real name. Oh, was it? Oh, yeah. I used to be quite a Fury fan. I took Fury Monthly for a while. Did you?

I remember in Fury Monthly, this is how stars have changed, right? Billy Fury said, it was an update. A little fury update. And it said, he says, he used to write a little bit in there. I don't know if he actually wrote it. But he said, little update on my all black outfit. And I thought, oh, what's this?

And he says, I've already got the trousers and the shirt. I'm just, and a Jackie. I'm looking for a black tie and some black socks. I got the shoes. And it was over the month he was assembling an all black outfit. Like over a period of about three months. It's not that difficult though, is it? No, not that difficult.

Maybe it was then. Do you think he was hinting? Do you think he was sort of, hey, if anybody wants to say, anyone's got any black socks. I mean the market for a pair. That was the thing in those days. But anyway, it was great that there was to play. I did feel slight excitement that this year already has done his last.

And so I just sort of might be, what might be a good texting is if people know any places that have sort of weird associations with celebrities or famous people. Like lavender corner. Do you know, there's a place near Absolute where we saw Ian Lavender. Before my time, I know that you've mentioned. We saw him on all fours on the corner of the street. And I always think of that now as...

It will always be Lavender Corner. Yeah. There ought to be a plaque there. We should say he fell over. No, we didn't see him four. He was just there. He might have just been... Crawling.

It was having to crawl around the block. Could be his commute, yeah. There should be a plat, but on the floor. So Ian could read it next time he's in town. I missed April Falls this year, because I was on some travels. No, I'm delighted because it's my worst day ever. Yeah. I hate April Falls, Frank.

Well, I am a big fan. Oh, yeah, you're a big fan. Who can forget your classic April Falls when you told your girlfriend and mother-in-law that the toilet was broken? That was your April Fool, wasn't it? Yeah, and the one was. Yeah, and the one when I told my girlfriend that I was going to do a show with Gokwan. Oh, this was good. In which I wore an avant-garde.

Called Wood you wear that. Yeah. Did you keep a straight face for that? Totally. To the point where... Really? This was when some of you may recall this story. The last day, maybe the April Falls before. But, yes, and she said that she decided that we had to split on this time for this. Quite seriously.

I love having that. And said, you're not the person I thought you were. She's right. Because I was going to do a show with Gokwan, in which I walked around north in town, were an avant-garde outfits. Didn't you do one as well, saying the car had been stolen or something?

Oh, I've done lots. I didn't do one this year, because she's actually a big, she had a big hospital appointment on April 4th, which happily has all turned out to be totally fine. But I didn't think it was the morning. No. Because she found up and says,

fantastic news, all clear. I did think about, well, it's funny she said like, because I've just had a call from them. Really? And they said, On the contrary? I mean, I thought now. It's funny, you should say that, because I had a go at April Fool this year, and it's not my day. It's not my day. I don't like it. But then somebody told me, oh, I've just sent a text to my mate to prank him for April Fool.

And I've got a theory that you forget about it, and then someone tells you one that they've done, and then you think, oh, I've got until noon. And so you have a go at it. So I'd been to see my osteopath, and I went back to my wife, and he basically said, this is fixing, don't come back to me unless it's still a problem in six. weeks, but you should be okay. So I'm on my way back and I'm thinking, oh, I'm going to try and prank her. I'm going to try and prank her. I went in and I said, you know, I thought it was going to be better. It turns out he's missed something and I've got to get an MRI scan and then they might have to shave a bit off my hip. And basically I'm going to be in traction for a whole month. And I'm thinking she's going to think, oh my God, I've got to look after two kids and the dog all on my own for a whole month. She just went, oh, how did it miss that? Like, me in traction.

Apparently is no more work for her than me not interaction. It doesn't affect her life at all. No. I also like that you did an April fall. They centred around an MRI scan. Yeah. Terrible. And a shative tip. And really badly as well.

I couldn't... I knew that I couldn't keep a straight face. So while I was telling her it, I turned and put the kettle on. And I told her it with her back to it, like, really lame. I fell for one. I fell for one this year. Oh, did you? What was it?

There was an internet one. This is... I know we're breaking all the rules here, but it's it's... Did they tell you you you've been nominated for 10 Sony Awards? No. No, it wasn't that. It was... It said that Peter Capaldi, it turns out, isn't really the doctor.

That that was a bit of a Swiss. Oh, wow. And it said that he was the master, you know, who is the doctor's sort of... I'm sorry, I don't watch it. Yes, well, imagine, think arch enemy. Harch enemy. He was just pretending to be the doctor. but in fact it's going to be.

And I thought, wow, that's a good twist. That's a good twist. What you don't want to do, what you don't want to do is April falls, when you find the truth, it's less good. The April fall. Well, were you thinking, hang on. This is a casting opportunity again all of a sudden. I mean, I think, you know, I'm happy about Capaldia as a doctor, but the idea that they could have switched that and kept us all full would have been such a brilliant. They're now thinking they should have done that.

But you're supposed to be, like, relieved. to find out it's in April. Like my mate, a very good friend of mine, he got the role of debris in the producers in the West End that the sort of... Oh yes, I know the friend. He was very, very exciting, as you can imagine. It's a brilliant part.

And he got up on April 4th down. I said, you're definitely doing the debris role, aren't you, in that? And he said, yeah, I said, there's just been a thing on the news that says that Graham Norton's doing it. And he said, oh, that'll be a mistake. And he told me after he was... He said, oh, that's ridiculous. He said, I was dying inside.

Absolutely. Because I then gave him the gift of the truth. It's like when people say to me once the time, if someone asks me the time, and I always had an hour and a half on it. And then they go, it's not like that, and then I go, no, and then I've suddenly, I've given them an extra hour and a half on their life.

It's not jokes. It's admin creation. That's all you do. Oh, well. I'm going to use that as my other poster. Not jokes. admin creation. Oh, I'll tell you what, I did,

now this is one of the reasons I might move away from the practical joke. Go on. I've been doing another radio show. What? For Radio 4, a history panel show, which I think I've spoken to you about before.

And it's not out for a while, so I'm not plugging. But Daisy was, what was your role on it, Daisy? Broadcast assistant. Broadcast assistant. She was very much the the engine room of it. And I phoned her up about something else, and she said, yeah.

And I said, you know what, I can't, I don't feel very one. I'm not going to do it tonight. This was like two hours, two hours before the show. And I don't know why I said it, because I was phoned about something else. No, you often don't know why you say things.

I just can't do it. Something else you told just an hour, which I can't believe. And, and Daisy says, oh God, it's really short notice. I said, no, I'm sorry. And then I thought, I said, no, no, actually, I was joking. I'm not, I'm doing it.

And she said, I'm sorry, I just feel like crying. She honestly said that. I thought, oh, I really felt it had gone wrong. I really felt that she, I could hear, you know, there's slight tremble in the voice. That's the problem with pranking. It is. Yeah, yeah. It is the problem with pranking.

It's right when I gave that friend of my mother's a rubber cookie on a plate. And there was a plate full of normal cookies. That's great. if I was doing it with five other people. What possible? I did it on my own. And then I put one rubber cookie on there. Hang on, how old are you at this point? About 11.

All right. And he bit into it. He's Canadian. And he went, oh, my jewel. That's a brilliant prank. I cried. You know what? You've taught me around.

I am going to do that. I'd forgotten how brilliant they were. I like the detail of it, which seemed to help the laugh. Was he as Canadian? Yeah. I've got a six-year-old, and I think next year, if I could get hold of a rubber cookie tree,

he'd be really excited approach at April Falls. I think health and safety are probably not allowed. After, are my tooth gate. Well, also, you can't be serving up cookies before noon, can you? That's when the April's cut-off point is. Why is that? Do we know? Sorry, I'm Googling rubber cookies. I see if I can get some 24 hours.

I'll tell you what I don't like. When the newspapers do April Fool, And they put quotes in and you think, well, how can I ever trust you again? You're the newspaper. If you can make up quotes from Nick Clegg about them, you know, making square eggs or something. That was an old. Oh, that was very daybreak that. That was ages ago.

What about the Birmingham mail? Oh, I love it. The Birmingham's joined in. They printed a picture of a shock in the canal in Birmingham. But they don't have the Photoshop properly done. Oh, no. It's only terrible, Frank. Oh, dear.

Another one that was changing Wolverhampton train station to Wolverine. That's quite good. If you had a flat near there, you could say, oh, yeah, I'll live near a Wolverine. That'd be brilliant. I agree. I really like the Slovakia. What was that one?

It said that they were going to do all through the night broadcasts of their various presenters counting sheep on air. Oh, that's good. I'd watch that. I'd watch that. You know like in the early days of when Big Brother was on and people just, you couldn't hear what they were saying because it was contentious. Bird song. You used to get birds songs if they said anything.

No, I couldn't bear that. Reminded me too much of the 1997 sort of time in my life. Bird song. What, the journey home? Yeah, yeah. I heard a lot of birdsong back then. Well, when me and David Badeal lived together, he got early cable. Oh, yeah.

And, um, and we, there used to be one channel that, at, night went to roaring log fire. Nice. That right. And we used to put that on. Yeah. And there was one walking penguins, and it was just on a loop of penguins just pottering about.

And I'm not kidding you, we used to laugh our heads off at that, night after night after night. People, you don't want to necessarily have programs, and just have stuff on. There's people I'd love to hear, counting sheep. Mm-hmm. Ian McMillan, the Barnsley Palace. Oh, Ian McMillan.

good at that one. One sheep. Two sheep. I see, I see three sheep. That's how it would be. It'd be be brilliant. Perfect. Jerry Halliwell. I imagine it'd be good at her. Oh, her voice. Oh, her voice. I find her voice a bit, yeah. Yeah, but that's, Stephen Hawking. It quotes on me. Stephen Hawking for a sort of special. What's sort of special? You know, I don't know, technological special. One sheep. Two sheep. It's like choosing a ringtone on your phone, wouldn't it be?

Which voice would you select for the sheep counting? I'd do. All celebrities should have to do it. It should be a rule. If I got offered celebrity sheep count, live through the night, I'd do it. I'd like Adrian Charles, sheep count. One shape.

No, I think that way. Yeah, there's loads of people. Kate Winsley, I imagine, would put real... I'm not sure if you'd do it. Frank, that's my only issue with that. I think she's available for a celebrity if we're maddie. Is she busy being in films, do you think?

No, no, but you know, she's, I imagine, I think she's very down to earth. I think if I could choose, I think Graham Norton would be in my top three. Oh, okay. Oh, I'd love him as my sheep counter. What about Alan Cut? Oh, there's a sheep. Le Dole!

Steady. 4-1 has texted as Frank. He calls himself Prisoner 6-4-1. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. had a rubber cookie. Whenever any workman came to the house. I like they had the family rubber cookie. Get the rubber

cookie out, Marty. Whenever any workman came to the house, they were always given a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits, one of which was the rubber one. Excellent. I would often put an exploding cigarette in their sig packets. When I was having building

work on my own house, I left a plastic doggy poo for the builders to find. See, this is a regime. 47 years old, this man. It's a regime. Yeah. That's what it is. I think that's brilliant.

Maybe I'm going to make my family into the prankster family. Yeah, the Frankston. I mean, change it by... Oh, yeah. I was going to change it by Deepel. Prank Skinner, I could call myself. They've never filled the beadle gap. That's true.

They haven't... That could be made. If you changed your name by Deep Polzer, Prank Skinner, I would walk. Oh, come on. You got through the past this thing, you can get through this. She wouldn't walk far. Not in those heels. I would walk to that cab paid for by my friend.

Stop laughing at me. I've been on my travels, and I brought you sweets back, didn't I? I love it when people bring sweets back from holidays. It's very much like an office job. And it wasn't just the big table around from the airport. It's actually from the country. You went to? It was.

I went to... Did you get it in the airport, though? Yes, I did. I went to Austin. I should tell our readers. Austin, Texas. For a jaunt with some of my aviation pals. It's...

I have to say, it's a fabulous city. Ostentatious in Austin, Texas. I was. I saw bat colonies. I saw Willie Nelson's parking space. I saw Sandra Bullock's cake shop. Just a minute. What are bat colonies?

What I thought you said back? No. I was thinking, is that like a treatment or something? There's loads of bats. What you do is you go and stand on the bridge at seven o'clock when they all come out and there's swarms of them. Oh, I love them. Seven at night?

I said this is like one direction. The bats are like celebrities in Austin. Now what I noticed... The world's upside down, isn't it? What I noticed about Texas, Frank, they're very dramatic people. And this is what I like. They're very sort of Tennessee Williams played. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah. You don't just, if you go in and you order to drink. Why, I can't cope with this infernal heat! It's a bit like that. That's exactly what it's like. They must be off the scale in dramatic people terms if you're calling it a dramatic. Well, for, for example, you go into a bar, I said to the bar and I'd like a drink. And he went, I'll get you one, but you have to promise to trust me.

I'm not joking, that's what he said. Yeah. How long is he doing? He said... He's obvious living in prison since you met him, hasn't it? He said, what do you want? I said, well, I don't know. I like vodka. He said, I told you, you gotta trust me.

I said, I trust you. Wow, that's quite a big thing to say to a strange man. That's something I've never said before. I've said it to a few barmaids. I said it in one incident, which I'll tell you about later. There was a barmaid at the pub in Birmingham. He used to give me drinks from the slop trays. Lovely.

You know, the slop trays under the... I'd have like eight or nine points a night without pay. What do you want? Yeah. So it's like part laager, part bitter. Can I just remind everyone that at the start of this broadcast, I was being called thrifty. And then we'd admit into having drank nine points of slops.

I wasn't so much thrifty. It's just thirsty. Tell me you didn't trust her, Frank. Well, I trusted. I didn't know what, it wouldn't kill me when I was drinking. There's probably a little bit of cleaning fluid in there as well. It was basically any fluid from behind the bar. I was prepared to drink. Anyway, I dragged it down to something very domestic. So I said, I trust you. You said, okay. Y'all trust me. He turned round. He was gone a bit,

like the nutty professor. He was doing all this, all this gubbins. A bit like when Marky Smith's kind of tuning up. He gave me this drink. It was without doubt, the most disgusting thing I've ever had in my life. Wow. It had, it was an an aniseed cocktail. I drunk it. And I had to pretend to like it because he was hot. Oh, no. He was hot? He was hot. He was really hot.

I drank three of them. Did he did? You didn't drink. I drank three of them. He really was hot. I was on a road trip through Texas and Arizona once. We stopped at this restaurant. This waitress came over and said,

You guys celebrities? And we said, oh, you know. She said, wow, I just had a, I recently had a one-night stand with Val Kilmer. Smallwell. Can I say that was only her own allegation? I had no evidence if I was listening. A couple of nights later, we went to another bar. Hold on, was there no, was there no Congress?

There's no end to the hot barman story. Well, no, I drank it, and I didn't feel, I felt a bit peculiar, so I had to go home. Oh, did you come over all unnecessary? You stopped trusting him after a while. I wonder how many... You're just getting rid of stuff, isn't they? You know, when I get rid of stuff? Although it was rather odd, because he was opposite my hotel.

For the rest of your stay? What, just standing on the street? The bar was opposite my hotel. And he was outside... It was very on the street where you live. It's very pretty. And I saw him having one of his cigarils while I went across to my hotel.

And he saw me and I said, I got out. And then when I got into the hotel, I turned the lights on, and I saw him still there. I didn't like it. He saw me turning the lights on. So I kept the cans open just in case. So then a couple of nights later, found myself in another bar. Blimey.

I know. And I don't drink that much these days, so it's hard on me. But there was another barman. Right. And I'm afraid he was very handsome as well. There's a sort of staffing policy thing coming to business. They get good-looking people to work. It's often the way. But there's a complication here because I'm with one of my gay friends.

and he fancies him, and so do I. Okay. And my gay friend insists he's one of his, and I insist he's one of mine. It got quite nasty, do he? He scratch his eyes out. Well, everyone else... I have to say, it's the same with the Catholics.

We're always trying to claim. My dad once tried to convince me that Mohammed Dahli was a Catholic. Seriously. I was saying Daddy would not be called that. No, he's called that, but he's a Catholic. Anyway. So we're sitting at the ball. Everyone else is having a nice time enjoying the evening.

We are stuck there in a battle to the death, trying to flirt with this barman. We're both thrusting our chests out. It was awful. He starts lining up shots. Again, I don't drink shots, but I did to show off because I liked him. He said, you like whiskey shudder, and I love them. I love them. Oh, dear.

It was awful, thank, the pressure. My gay friends starts saying, I mean, you're working in a bar. I mean, you're obviously, you have a college education, right? So he was playing it wrong. Yeah. Well, when it got to the, I mean, the whole night we spent there. And then it was time to go. And then he said, well, it's my night off tomorrow night,

so maybe we can all hang out. Oh, let the battle, let the games commence. Yeah. I said, yeah, sounds great. My gay friend says, yeah, I'll take your number. He takes the number. I was fuming. The next day, we're waiting for the barman to call.

No call from him. I thought, well, I look quite good. That's a bit of a shocker. He said, I texted him. I don't know why he hasn't been in touch. I said, what did you say? I looked at the little green text that he'd said, hey, great to meet you.

Emily and I really can't wait to swing with you tomorrow. Oh. He'd miss typed. Well, to be honest, normally, I'd have said no to that, but if I was on my holidays. But of course, because he was at home, I suppose he gets there. Oh, that's worth a try, though. I tell you where we haven't been for a while.

Have emails? We do. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, my five-year-old daughter, Megan, is a bit cross with Frank. Can I just say that the use of the word cross, immediately makes me think that this woman is either very English or a bit middle class. Really? Yeah. I think it's because I grew up with Scottish accents that I would never say cross. I've never said, oh, I was really cross. Because I just, it sounds to me like Enid Blighton. Scottish people, I think, get angry. I was angry. They don't go, oh, I was cross. and they just don't... They say cross. They say cross. When they're instructing you how to lay the swords for the sword dance. Or referring to Harry cross. No, I wouldn't normally use the word cross.

I use it all the time. Yeah, see. You're right. You're right, Alan. My five-year-old daughter, Megan, is a bit cross with Frank. Whilst re-listening to an old podcast, you told someone to shut up, at which... Megan registered her disgust, as we're not allowed to say shut up in our

her house, she said Frank was being rude. She also added how lucky Frank is to be able to work with his husband, Alan. Oh, that's me. Well, you say that, but I mean, it brings extra pressure working with your husband. I mean, like Richard and Judy in that regard. Yeah, look at poor Judy. You know, ultimately, we, you know, we just get each other. And that's, that, that's why it worked. I heard you just can't quit him. No. You know, I mean, I, I, I, you know, I mean, I. I'm not saying, Megan, there haven't been rough patches that have. No.

And I have told him to shut up. And it does help that I give ground in big arguments. It's really useful that. You do, you do. But, you know what? I'm swapping. But I'm sorry, Megan, if I offended you with that, if you're listening. But it's just that I find that events, eventually with people, you have to tell them to shut up.

Yeah. If they feel like they're winding down gradually of their own accord, it's fine. But some people, they always feel like they're at full pelt. Yeah. Belt up, I'm all right with. I think... Shut your cake-all, haven't used that. Shut the cake-all.

Put a sock in it? Benny Hill. Yeah, yeah, put a sock in it, haven't it for ages? I think you might have been... I'm going to play devil's advocate here. I think you might have been doing that thing that you do a feigning, outrageous surprise of going, shut up. Yeah.

Yeah. The only one is Essex thing. I think I was. I think you were. I think it was ironic. I see that had been shut up in inverted. So I was going, shut up, as in I don't believe you. So you see, Megan, I'm not as rude as you think.

But you're quite right. It's not nice to tell people to shut up if you're listening. Maybe you should switch it to, I don't believe you. That's a really topical catchphrase. It's been taken. Why don't you start saying gart as well? Oh, I still do that. Well, as you know, I frequently answer the phone to Daisy, the producer of this show with

WhatsApp, which turns her stomach a bit. You should, I'm going to start doing that. smacking thirst quen. Wrong. Nick has emailed us. He says Frank, Alan and Emily. On a course this week in the small town of Bromsgrove. Oh, I know it.

Our small group wandered down the high street in search of an evening meal. In an unfamiliar town within our generous 20-pound budget, I approached... Do you think that's per person? Sounds all right. I don't know. If you issue a starter?

It's all gone a bit tip for my hairdresser. I approached an impressive-looking statue. Always worth a look to see who's been immortalised. Yeah. To read the inscription, imagine my delight when I read the text. It was none other than A.E. Houseman. Wow, hey.

He hasn't had a mention for a long time. Nick then instructs. He winds down slowly, eh? Yeah. Nick instructs to sound the warning. I immediately thought of my... my three podcast friends, Frank Allen and Emily, and I had to let you know of my excellent experience.

It made my week. If Emily would care to join me to view the statue, it would be a pleasure to take her. That is all Nick from Northwich, at 034. Nick from Northwich has called us his three podcast friends, and Northwich isn't that far from Manchester. What are you suggesting? Let's just go there. We could be friends with Nick.

Fine with that. I'll be out for that. Bromsgrove, it was in Bromsgrove, the first time I ever kissed a girl with glasses on. Oh, did you like it? It's all right. I like the artificial element. Yeah, and...

You should have gone to spec, sir. Yeah, and it was all right. She was quite nice, and we kissed some more. I don't want to know that bit of this story. But you still song lyrics you're doing. No. Kissed some more. Sounds like you're quoted.

I don't like that second verse. And then the following week, we went back to Bromsgrove. I stopped telling us what happened. David. And then and then she got off with my mate. Sounds like they didn't chill much, Al.

Sorry for laughing. No, it was awful, really. It was all, you know, I'd laid all the ground bait. And then he came in and... You see, those glasses, ones, they'll lull you enter a four cents of security. Well, me and this same mate, we was playing

pool with a few friends a couple of days later. and I hadn't mentioned it at all. And he got a very, very lucky bounce off three cushions and the ball went in there. And I was so furious that the whole thing just came flooding out. And I thought I'm just going to just tell him now. But I didn't tell him, I told him in song. I complained in song.

I sang. What did you say? You're so weird. I sang. Who does that? It's really weird. So it went in and I went up, oh. And I just went, somebody stole my gal.

Somebody stole my gal. Somebody came and took her away. And that was how I... Did she really do that? Honestly, I swear to that. Did you grow up in Westside Story? Yeah, I was a jet. He sounds like he grew up in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

Oh, Frank. Yes. I can't believe that story. Well, they were different times. Now then. Yeah. My favorite news story of the week. Yeah. Definitely.

16-year-old girl in Dover stuck down drag. Oh, and Birchenoff. Yes. That's her name, isn't it? Birchinoff. It's not a common name. Ella, isn't it? Oh, is it Ella, I'm sorry. Ella Bertianoff.

Yeah, it's great. Her family tree. I believe she's called Ella Ann. But I'll let you have that. No, it's one of those. I wonder what her porn name is. A married joke. You know, the mom's maiden name,

first pet. I bet it won't be as good a porn name as Ella, Berthian. What a thing when your real name's better than your porn name as a porn name. How often does that happen? Anyway, Ella, who was the 16-year-old school girl, dropped her phone. Perhaps why I'm uncomfortable about those jokes. Okay, well, look, I'm speaking with the abstract. She got stuck down a drain, Frank, in Kent. Yes, in Dover, I think. Yeah. And I didn't quite understand her. Well, she dropped her phone, was Eric?

I think I do understand it. Oh, do you? Go on then. And I think I identify with it a lot. Go on. She dropped the phone down the drain. What, with Ella Berticinoff? Yes, I think I identify with Ella Ann Birchinoff. Okay, well spare the rod and spot the child.

I think she dropped the phone down the drain, and here's her thinking. She thought, if I lift this drain out and stick myself in there, I can pick up the phone with my toes, which I kind of get. You know, when somebody picks... With her toes? With her feet. You know, when you sort of grab something with your feet and lift it up? Are you saying to me that Ella Birchenoff has got sort of dickens? Extra ape feet.

Yeah. Do you know what it's a bit like? Maybe she'd watch my left foot that week on DVD. Yeah. She got inspired. It's very similar to the other day. I got in the bath and I had left my paperback novel too far away from the bath. But then I had a look and thought, hang on, it's on the rug that I can reach.

And so I flicked the rug and the paperback flew towards it. I was so happy. If ever you're locked in a cell in the Wild West, you'll be able to get out with that kind of thing. Yeah. I was so happy I nearly kicked the bath shelf off. Oh, that'd be. What's on the bath shelf? Dock? Um, soap. Uh, yeah. There'll be a few of those soaps, all worn down. Small hotel soaps.

The hotel soap's very worn down. I've got a room full of those. They're dangling because they're a bit too small for the gaps on the... Oh, do you know, they've been welded together as well for reuse. Well, as you know, I got much mocked for bringing the shower gel home that I found at the swimming bus. Well, that I found... That's by finding, you said. Yeah.

But anyway, I've spoken on this show before about my joy in local newspaper photographs. When they feel they have to get every element of the story in, in one picture. So they'll have manly, one sticks in my mind. If anyone, one girl got to university, I remember, where I lived, which is quite a thing. And she was going to study geography. And they had a picture of her in a mortarboard and cape, old in a pilot. books and pointing at a map of the world. Just to say, oh.

And they had a picture of Ella Birchenoff, and this is after the fact. They've got actual pictures of her stuck in the drain. They've got her in the drain. Yes, her mother took them. That's a whole other story. But they took Ella back to the drain. In her school uniform now. So that's, you've got the school girl.

You've got up the blazer, yeah. Schoolgirl element, so we know she's a school girl. Yeah. And they got her to climb into the drain. And she's just sitting on the edge of the drain. Hold in the phone. Yeah. Man, it's so beautiful. It's all there.

They've done a recon. What about this mother? She said, she rounded the corner, this is the mum, when Ella Bertinoff was stuck in the drain, she rounded the corner as white as a sheet, and then started laughing and took a photo. Yeah.

And I like the fact that she said, she'll never lift this down. We're going to get these pictures out when she turns 18, as if it's really far away. It's probably about 18 months time. I liked Ella's story of how she said, my feet, they were in some sort of liquid.

She said, I think it was water. She said, but I wasn't taking any chances. So I went straight home and had a bath. Oh, yeah. So you wouldn't have had a bath otherwise, having been stuck down a drain. She said I went straight at home and jumped in the bath. Everybody says it, I pull her up on it all the time.

I'm just going to jump in the shower. Jump in the shower. I say that. All the time. The other thing I liked about it was at the bottom of the story, We had loads of recaps on stories when people had been stuck in things, and I think we've covered all of them on this show over the years. I feel proud about that.

Woman that was stuck in a coat hanger. Oh, there was a woman in ironing board, was it? A student trapped in ironing board. It's cold friends, fingers, radio days, I don't win days as a stupor, a mean days as in the sevens of the week, so this is a take-out, a gloat. Thank you.