The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Shakespeare Whatsapper

Episode Date: September 9, 2026

This week, the gang are not just in Newcastle, but email corner! They get messages from Germany, and chat punning headlines and Frank’s action figures. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

So what are we talking about? Oh, David Moyes. Yes. What about Ryan Giggs? He's looking haunted anyway. He always looks haunted. He has the eyes of a man who's killed. I always think.

Well, you said he was Eastern European dictator. Well, that's really much the same thing. It's true, yeah. I think we should, before David Moyes goes, I think we should acknowledge that how many people he's made happy. because he's made more people happy than Sir Alex ever did because a whole nation has risen up in with warmth towards him

because it's just the fact that Man United if you're not a Man United fan and they're not a popular team and it's just been a nice change I'm sure they'll be massively successful again next year we're all entitled to a year off who's going to be in charge though people seem to be ruling themselves out rather than in don't they? I'm not doing it

I'm not doing it. Emily? I'm too busy, similar as that. I think I'd be great doing it. You see, what they shouldn't do, frankly, with a big coat and shades. What they shouldn't do is ask Sir Alex Ferguson to recommend, because it is human nature. I think we all know I made quite a big mistake when I said that Emily Dean could host when I was away.

I got the things saying, oh, I enjoyed it more than ever this way. And I thought, well, I've slipped up there. So I... You cancelled all your holidays, didn't you? Yeah, can't like. About a month book. Whereas Sir Alex has got it right, he's thought someone is not bad,

but not as good as I am. That's what you want as a replacement. Yeah, that's ideal. So, um, yeah, don't ask him anymore. But let's face it. I'm worried about that Gigsie, though. He's only going to get more haunted.

Well, if it's, uh, he'll always be able to quell the news. If it, if it, if that's, uh, I want to see goals and tackles. Yeah. That's like my nans, I didn't, for all. He must, goals and tackles. And other things you don't want to hear from Man United's new manager.

Oh, I'll see you what, though. I'm talking at the ponning headlines, there was one in the, I think it was in the mirror today. Yeah. And it was Louise Rednapp. Oh, yeah. And the headline was, I'm eternally hurt by reunion snob. Oh, lovely. And I love the idea that whilst being hurt, she threw a punning to the club. There'd been an eternity. reunion and they hadn't found Louise Rednap. Can you believe that? No. Turns out that wasn't eternal, don't it? Yeah. It wasn't. So no.

That's the job. Don't call you a band Eternal. Call it ephemeral. That's my advice. Oh, what else? Have we got time to read out any text and emails? Because you've had a really good one from 9-68. Do it. Hi, Frank. How do you pronounce, well, a word for coffee?

I'm not going to say it because it'll give away how I pronounce it. My brother in Scotland says latte, and I in Surrey say latte. He thinks we're all snobs. After an unofficial survey, it looks like a north-south divide. But seeing as my survey has only featured Leatherhead and Edinburgh, I doubt it's very conclusive. That's Joe, off for a latte. So should we see how we all pronounce it? Well, I think you just did yours.

Late. Late. You see, although I would normally say like Bath instead of Bath. What do you say funny? I would say latte. Oh, good boy. What about when I was once with a blow, when I first started working in television, this guy who was quite a minor figure in the company, not a producer for anything, just the, he said, let's, let's, why do we're going to get a coffee and talk about this? So we went to this Italian place, and he said, he said, excuse a duet cappuccini. Oh, my God, I felt my stomach tie into a terrible knot.

Have you got his number? I have, but only in Italian. Do you know what I think it's time for? Let me reach for my mouse. How about this? Showing some of the workings out. Here we go. A bit of email corner.

Everybody at home. Email corner. And relax. I made it a bit jordy, Frank. Well done. For our jordy listeners. Come gather a room and I'd tell you the story about the worm.

No, I'm good, thanks. Okay. Okay, we're going to keep off. You're really into the garden, in the story about the worm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but that's about, do you know the story of the Lampedon worm? I don't.

It's a guy who's fishing and he pulls out this enormous serpent-like creature. Oh. I love that story. Do you know, keep your feet still, Geordie Hiny? No. Okay. Okay. You're not doing that one?

Are you going to talk about the worm, or can I read you know? No, no, it's all right. What about that Bobby Thompson? who I think was actually was from Sondland. He used to do a joke about it. He went to see the Queen, and she said, would you like a... And she said, the Queen said, would you like a cake, Bobby?

A meringue. And he said, no, you're not rang. I'm like, what? A meringue. Bobby Thompson, a little wister, as he was now. Okay, this is from Prisoner 963. Okay. He says, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan,

I was just catching up with your podcast, and I heard Emily's story of meeting John Bradley at the Game of Thrones premiere, he says GOT. I think they say Thrones in the trade. Do they? I just thought it might be... I tell you that you named him, did you? So he's worked on it. Oh, no, I did. I think I did. I think I did. I said, you said my

Game of Thrones friend. I just thought it might be reassuring to know that he probably wouldn't have been offended by Frank's preference for Merlin over Game of Thrones because he actually has acted in both. He played the part of, is it, Tyre Seward in Series 5? Maybe he would make a good shared friend for both.

both Emily and Frank. Much love, Prisoner, 963. Well, I haven't seen... Obviously, I've seen his work in Game of Thrones. I haven't seen his work in Merlin. Really? Why do you say that was a slight snigger? Well, I'm not a fan, as you know. But you are. Yes. It just happens. I was able to obtain an official statement from John Bradley just prior to this broadcast. Okay. Fantastic. Okay. This is like Des Leinan when he's revealing the drug cheat of Ben Johnson.

He says, oh God. I was worried that this day would come. Hold on a minute. You think and think of what you're going to say when the moment comes, but I'm speechless. It was a one-off, a fling. It was only one solitary, sordid episode. Sworded S-W-R-D-E-D, rather. And I'll never do it again.

I can't. The character died in the episode. Well, also the series died, so you're quite safe. You should be proud to have been in it. No, I think he was. I think he enjoyed it. He sounds like a bit of a laugh. He said I did do an episode of...

Won't you marry him? It was fun, actually. Okay. Anyway, there you go. I've... Maybe he could help me out with my guy's action figure. Why? I've got an action figure of guys.

Guys was the character played by Richard Wilson. Oh. And you could say it was guys and dolls. He got his action figure. Very good. And I can't work out as accoutrement. I keep looking at... You know, you get, where do you get an action figure?

You know you get things that come with an action figure, like his accessories. Yeah. Yeah. One of them looks like one of those anti-lint rollers. But, you know, those things that you roll on your clothes? I have one in my bag as we speak. Me too. But surely, guys, who is something of a magician type, he's not going to use a lint roller.

Maybe he gets the magic dust on his jacket and he needs the lint roller. Oh, the magic dust. I forgot about that. I forgot about that. It's been a while. You're drunk crazy. Anyway, if anyone's got a guy's action figure, maybe you can tell me what that bit of white, it looks like an Indian club. That is what they call a niche texting.

Guess what? Guess what 417 says? I bet my niche doesn't text in. She right now. I'm going to have to go. I've got important news today. You're going to tell me this first. Do her cappuccini is right?

Yes, it's right, but it's wrong, if you know what I mean. It's like watching a woman smoke. One knows it isn't wrong, but one feels it isn't right. We're still in the corner of emails, aren't there? Oh, nobody puts email in the corner. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. You may remember me. I emailed you last year re-magic Velcro.

I always like a re from our correspondence. Oh, yes. I do have a Velcro... I'm familiar with her work. Yeah. I've just dispatched an order to Absolute FM in Leighton, dormer trading estate, for some eyelets, the type of thing used for shoes to put laces through.

Oh, yes, I knew what islets were. Is this the absolute... Can I just... just put a pause on that. If you work in Velcro, why do you need eyelets for laces? Surely Velcro is the arch enemy of the shoe lace. That's one of the great philosophical questions. Well, maybe she'll correspond with us again and sold this. But she's supplying pilots for absolute.

Is this the absolute FM? You may want to check with Daisy. If this is the kiss, then I'm now officially. Daisy? No. No. It's not. There's another radio station called Absolute FM. That's a bit similar.

It is. I like the our official spokesman, just saying, no. No. I think it might be an islet laundering. She says if this is the case, he says rather, if this is the case, then I'm now officially a supplier to Absolute Radio, and the role of a supplier is to look after their customers, which means taking people to lunch.

Frank, can you tell me if Emily is available? Oh, here we go. To show her some more of my accessories. Bear in mind we supply to Berber. Ted Baker and Barber, so we have a lot in common. That's from Buttons, aka Andy or 923. Or for Emily, he puts his full phone number. He's given his number.

Yeah, but can I say, this person works in Velcro but supplies eyelets for shoelaces and he's known as Bottons. Yeah. He's just picking off all the things that... Well, I wasn't sure, but now you sold him to me. ...so should have superseded. That's why, if you did a modern Cinderella, surely, that the footman should be called Velcro.

We need to rethink about this. Thanks, buttons. I think it might be Christian O'Connell, doing a bit of some cobbling on the side. Now, Annie has texted us, and she says she feels my train door-related pain. You know, earlier on this show, I admitted that I don't think I've ever opened a train door.

Until yesterday. Until yesterday, Newcastle. It's a terrible. system, the train door, though. Yeah. You get those electric buttons on, but the old one of having to open a window and do it from the outside, it does feel like burglary.

It was brief encounter. It was too odd. It was old school. Anyway, Annie says, I do not trust any doors on a train now after one of the automatic toilet doors stopped working while I was inside. All I could do was scream,

Occupied. Oh, no. It's all gone a bit Paris, 1941. Oh, what? And try to press the close button as quickly as I could in a very busy train. Not one of my best moments. Oh, poor Annie. She says Tray's embarrassing.

Still, the son will come out tomorrow. It's always worth remembering, Anne. Yes. We've also had from 942 text, Hello Frank and other Saturday morning heroes. Interesting. Long-time reader, first-time writer. I mean, he's your hero.

I was watching a basketball match the other night to see rapper slash singer Drake get out a lint roller and wipe his trousers. I have so much respect for that man now. Yeah. I carry one round. I'm glad for the United job, but you've ruled yourself out on air, haven't you?

Yeah. Yeah, you carry one all the time. Yeah, have it in my bag. I'd rather die than turn up with lint on my clothes. I suppose you've got to have a rule. Yeah. Got to have a roll. And that's mine.

Yeah, but rappers, I mean, if they're going to take something, I expected to be an automatic weapon. Yeah. Not a lint remover. I mean, for goodness sake, What's happened to hip-hop? That's this week's texted.

And they have texted, they've texted somewhat in their droves. In their droves. Oh, I love droves. We've got several strands running. You only get droves when it's also TV-related. People have switched off in their droves. Yes. And also, you only tend to get a spate if it's crime.

You get a spate of local burger. Well, you say that, except when that man, many years ago this. was, he'd blown me out on a few occasions. So I sent him an angry email. And I said, due to the recent spate of cancellations. Oh, very good. I did. Very good. I like that. I said, am I to assume? And then I did A, B, or C. I won't tell you what the scenarios were, but I can exclusively be real it was C. I love it when people, you know, they reach out a bit more with their vocabulary and go somewhere interesting. You've ever seen a fabulous documentary called Grey Gardens, as if you're

one of my favourites, Frank. When the woman says, Yeah, the woman says, E.D. Is it? E.D. She says, you see, the thing is with me, I'm very staunch. That's such a great way to describe yourself. Anyway, carry on. Sorry, Al. We've had quite a few texts in about your suggested gardening clothes. Oh, yes. Yeah. Morning, Frank and tea, my husband has an increasing gardening clothes drawer.

These are clothes that he no longer wears but can't bear to part with, It saves them up for gardening. I think we're currently up to four pairs of trousers and 20 t-shirts, none of which have ever seen the garden in over two years. Sounds like they're being clean, though. I think the thing is in gardening clothes, that they carry the soil forever. Yeah, well, I suspect he's got some gardening clothes,

but they're in the pending gardening clothes section of his life. Do you know what I mean? Perhaps if I won't... Oh, that's not depressing. Having a pending gardening clothes section of your wardrobe. If I went for just the suit, I could go, once I get a bit of soil on it, it's real Frankenstein Monster Peak. No shirt, just the suit.

Yeah, but it's just risen up, just risen up. What will you, so nothing underneath, Frank? No bare feet as well. No belt, a piece of string. Just a gardening gloves, obviously, for the twine for a belt. For tearing. Yeah. From Dan the Joyner.

Your promotional pictures for your tour are complete Frankenstein and monster. Why not? Yeah. Dan the Joyner on site in Blackburners said, Frank, why don't you get some snickers work trousers? They've got built in knee pads and tool pouches, and they never split in the crotch. That sense.

I was hoping for a split crotch, though, for warm weather gardening. I was hoping for a split crotch. Well, many a time I said that sentence in anger. Let's move on. That's Chapter 7. What am I to mind used to call open Clegg clunkers? They're sneakers. They're not made,

I can't imagine that... Surely they don't sponsor trousers. I think that would be a terrible brand relationship. Yeah. Worker. What about 6.6.9? Hi, Frank Allen. Well, it's a bit early in the morning for me.

You know, carry on. It's between the devil and the deep. Anyway. Hi, Frank Allen and the Divine Miss M. I too got caught in the home base free gift frenzy. Oh, no. A fellow sophra. Three of us gathered under the flashing lights for our piece of the same magic cloth.

Oh. I think the saleswoman was expecting more because she gave us two pieces each. Like you, Frank, half way through the sales pitch, we all lost the will to live, so we slid off and left her talking to herself. I tried the so-called magic cloth on a small spillage last week and have to report it was rubbish. Oh, no. John Avid listener, first time text her. We have to say that's only John's opinion, just in case magic cloth ever decided to advertise on absolute.

Yeah, yeah. And, of course, other supernatural fabric. bricks are available. Did ye see Jamaica in? No. I'm not so much telling because I'm on the road, you see. It's free and it's British, I'm astonished.

Those are your two prerequisites for a drama. I remember old Jamaica, the chocolate bar. My father's favourite, it was yellow. He used to contain rum, they said. He always bought it for dads. And on the advert, the guy used to say, And don't, and don't he knock it all. all back at once.

Fabulous. It was a bit like that, was it, Jim? Someone should have said that to you back in the 80s. Yes, exactly. Well, the BBC had over, I think it's over 2,000 complaints. Yeah, they said that in the paper, as if it was massive. We get that every Saturday morning. We don't even think about it.

That just seems par for the course, isn't it? We've had a spate. Yeah, we've had a spate. And people were turning off in their drones. And it was due to the mumbling. I mean, people were. tweeting, Al-Mauri, tweeted about it. Yeah, he was quoted in the paper.

The mumbling. Oh, yeah, Boisey from... Yes. I say Boise from... John Chalice. Yeah, but saying Boise from Artley Fills and Orses is like saying, me from St. Eub at Studio School. I mean, how long can you be from something?

But he... Me from there the trip is. They had a quote from him. Saying that the sound of him... Why would they... That's it with a Twitter journalism. Who'd have thought, well, I can't understand this. Wonder what boys he from fools and horses would make of this?

I've got to check his feed. Do you know what? Well, I think. Sorry, carry on. Have you watched it either of you? I haven't watched it. Sadly, no. I watched a bit.

I mean, the one thing I don't like, there are two things that slightly put me off a period drama. First is when a horse rears up and lays. And a woman's always looking pensive with ringlets out of the carriage. I've got to say both. staring at the landscape, isn't she, on a way somewhere? Both of those happened in the excellent cheeky blinders. So I won't have that side. No, war boy.

I always think, I always think of the person that turned up with the horse. You get the handlers who come along. Oh, the horse handlers, yeah. And they're all dog handles, whatever you're working with. And they always say, yeah, you say, can he bark just toward it? Oh, yes, no problem. And they never, ever can. Yeah.

And they're always ill and they run away. And, oh, terrible. I think they've just grabbed strays from the same. street on their way over. I've developed a bad habit, having filmed a thing last year. Oh, yes. Now, now I'm watching... Talked of nothing else.

We're currently watching Carnival on DVD, my wife and I. Is that American? Yes. Frank loves it, actually. Does he? Yes, it's one of my all-time... That's one of the few American series. That and Twin Peaks are the ones I've really, really indulged it. It's really good. But when there's an exterior shot and a dog runs across, I keep muttering to my wife's

Dog, expensive? As if I know how much a dog hire is. I had a girlfriend, if ever a dog did anything in a film, she'd always say gravy. Because that was like, she always said put a bit of gravy on the leg of the table or something to make the dog come over. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, they're very gravy motivated, the dogs. Nice. Yeah, so look out for that, gravy acting. I'm not done with Jamaica. Okay, I have to do certain now. I'm saying I'm not done with Jamaica? No, no, let's go back there. We're talking about Jamaica in.

We were talking about Jamaica in. Neither of you saw. No, I didn't see, but I am... But the mumbling was bad, right? Constantly moaning about... mumbling in films. More on films. Well, it's your bugbear.

Oh, really? And also with the West Country dialect. It's actually my bugbear in the life. That's what it was. That was very... That's what it sounded like. And then a horse-neying occasionally. What, in a West Country accent?

Nay. Nay. I, um... You see, this is a bit different, isn't it? Because this is to do with regional accents. There aren't enough of those on telly, I think. I mean, that's why my acting career has been very curtailed. Don't have the RP, you see.

Let's face it. Yeah, but you can do the American accent. Lovely when you did that audition. When I read for JFK, they said the accent just didn't work. No. Did you read for JFK? Yeah, for the role of JFK.

Can't say it being I'm a Burrina in a Bromian accent. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a berliner. Lina. Perfect. But why? It doesn't matter. I mean, you used to, they do it in,

in films and stuff when people all have American accents and they're playing foreign people. True. Remember that Christopher Columbus thing, was it? Errol Flynn, when he comes down and says, said, any of you guys see land? I think it might have been Christopher Columbus. He was playing.

Anyway. Yeah, so I didn't see it, but I'm going to check it out now. No, don't. With the mumbling. They've tried to improve the mumbling. But you see one... Is it still on, or is it done? I think it'll be on an eye player, won't it?

Because I think it was three consecutive nights, wasn't it? A BBC spokesman. apparently a BBC spokesman said it wasn't to do with the sound quality the actors were mumbling Oh, blame the actors There's nobody there to look at what they do

Come on He's one of them Looking up for the Look how he's turned Frank Oh look at There's a local thing here in Newcast I can watch it on called YI player

I think you'll pronounce it Why I play And when we're in lead soon I'll be able to buy some stuff on eBay gum. So all the regional websites. Jokes. Yeah. He's not.

It has put me off things, though. Oh yeah, one little thing, the lighting and Coronation Street. Forget it. Really? The lighting. The lighting makes me vomit. I nearly gave up on madmen because of the smoking, because it made me feel clammy and stinky, but I've stuck with it, yeah.

It was the sexism I couldn't cope with. Really, it was the smoking. I'm fine with the sexism. Yeah, well, then. Has it never bothered you the lighting in Coronation Street? I know. How can you not notice it? It's so yellow and harsh.

I can't bear it. I'll tell you how I can not notice it. I've not seen it. Is it not your telly, is it? I remember when we first had it... When we first had a collar telly, my dad, in order to get our monies worth, used to crank up the brightness. Yeah, so every...

What's the colour? He used to turn it. And it was one button, Frank, and there was a star. That was the only facility you had. It's got brighter. Great days. But it was like me and... Me and musketeers, wasn't it?

I got put off. What happened? Why did you get put off? It was the bedroom scenes. Do you remember? Yeah. Although I was talking to... I was talking to... I was talking to Gareth, who is on two with me at the moment.

It was formerly in the cockerels chair. Yeah. And he told me that those scenes, those bedroom scenes where they talk... Because they've got to do some talking, so they spice it up with a bit of semi-nudity. They're called sex... Sexergesis. It's not. Yeah.

So it's exegesis, but with a bit of saucy, spicy. But that was, you know, as you know, with the musketeers, I was desperate to see P-CAP and what he was going to be like. P-CAP? Peter Capaldi. Oh, okay. I thought that was a eucamiser for some of them. I didn't like her.

No, no. That would be de-capped, couldn't it? Skinny de-cab. I'm not wearing that. I had an email that the title of which might make you think, oh, this is a bit of a worry. It's an email that says... Is it death to all skinheads? No, it's...

I'm just guessing. We can't guess. It could take a long time. Okay. Email titled, purposely not listening. And I thought, oh no, he doesn't like us. Guton Morgan, Frank, D.M.E. and Alan. I think he's going to say that was his name. Guton Morgan writes in.

Long-time reader, first-time writer. I'm purposely not listening to your show. this morning as your podcast will be keeping your company on my Sunday long tomorrow morning. I was doing a Sunday long. Doing a Sunday long. And he then says in brackets, the solitude of louth in southern Germany. When you guys stop your chat, I will switch to the prodigy to bring me over the line. I just wanted to ask what Frank thinks.

Does he mean Mozart? I don't think so, no. Okay. Just called him the prodigy, you know. I just wanted to ask what Frank thinks about. Wundikint, he might call it. I thought he should call them. Yeah.

Yes. Sorry. I wanted to ask what Frank thinks about three lions being adopted by the Germans. I'm thinking he means the song rather than three lions have been adopted by the Germans. Yeah, because they don't work those zoo adoptions. You say you've adopted an animal, but you never get to have them in your house. It's a very hollow experience, isn't it? Yeah.

Apparently, it's become almost the norm for German fans to belt out its coming home when they are taking apart an English team. Yes. I didn't know that. Did you know that? Yes. That's exciting for you, isn't it? I like it. Or is it?

I don't know. No, I'm perfectly happy with it. D.M.E., you are always welcome in sunny Stuttgart. It's not the best place in Germany, but it's certainly not the worst. Oh, nice. He continues. However, the people in this area are known for being sparse asm, which kindly translated means thrifty, so it might be something for Alan.

That's a bit cheek, in it. Das vase, spoken Das Vars, as close as my German... gets me to, that is all. Oh, okay. That's from Elliot. Wouldn't it be Dasist Alice? Anyway, he lives there. He might even know better than me.

What do you make of this, by the way? 622 says, Hi, Frank and Crew, I'm currently converting some 1960s cine film to DVD. Well, in a way, I think we all are. And just wanted to know if you had any film from your childhood lurking in a cupboard somewhere. If you did, I'm willing to do mates rates for you. As I feel, after listening each week to your show, you're all my friends. That's from Andy.

Oh, let me think. Is there any 1960s from my childhoods? No, because it didn't happen then. What about you, Frank? Me neither. My childhood. Well, I had a childhood in the 60s,

but what we didn't have was any equipment to film it off. Didn't you? Did you have a camera? We had, well, there were about, I would say, between the age of zero and 10, there are four photographs of me.

And they're quite bad. Why? Is there no camera? I didn't have a camera. Oh. There wasn't even a sketchpad in the house. Didn't even have a court illustrator. No, nothing.

I think we might have had an etcher sketch in later life. But it wasn't, it's not a good likeness. I look too angular. I don't mean angular Merkel. Can I share with you some correspondence from Nicholas John Pickton, who is texting us live from Malaysia? No way. Yeah.

Wow. Germany, Malaysia, we get about, don't we? What is the thing, it's Malaysia, something, Asia. We're Asia's truly Asia. All right. In the 19703 ad campaign. Frank, I am trying teetotalism. It creates a lot of time, but as you say, is a little boring,

and I'm not sure I will meet up with friends so much, or make any new ones. Oh, well, Nicholas John Picton. Yeah, all correct, Nicholas. What would you say to NJP? I'd say you will, mate less friends. Is that true, is it? Yeah, and I wouldn't say life is desolate, but you lose the top end of it,

probably the top 20%. Oh, now you've got your non-alcoholic wine. But, you know, you have to balance it out. Does the non-alcoholic wine bring back 15% or something? No, I don't know what that brings. It brings back... It's about 12%, isn't it? 0.0.05%, is what it brings back, according to the label.

Now you're on the ramp. Yes. I've been thinking about having a decade off between 40 and 50. Off the booze? Yeah. No, just off. Just going from straight to 40 to 50. Let's face it, I'm going to do that.

It's like when they put the clocks forward. Imagine if you did that. I'd fancy my 40s. Yeah. Okay. Well, anyway, good luck with it, but I wouldn't. recommend it. Frank, that's terribly irresponsible.

Yeah, if he gets drunk down and kills somebody, will their blood be on my hands? And also, you need to pick a team, because when we've been watching the news in the past and there's been stories of drunkenness, you've gone, what's wrong with prohibition? Now you're saying, I wouldn't recommend it. No, but I think...

There must be a middle ground. I think we'd be a happier country with prohibitions. That's my dad used to say. If you close the pubs down, you'd have to build a lot of asylums. Like the Roman... Do they still call them Asylums? No.

I was not calling that about 1819. Yeah, well, he was, you know, he was a previous generation, my dad. May I... Why don't you use something a bit more politically correct, like Bedlam? May I suggest as an opening line tomorrow in Glasgow, I think we'd be a happier country if we closed the pubs down would be a good choice. Yeah, I don't know if I can say we. Exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I'm in Glasgow tomorrow. Are you? Are you? Are there a nationalistic independent further? Are they going to tear me apart? Well, no. I was there four days last week. Of course. You didn't mention it. Well, I'm not going to mention it if they don't. No.

We like a tale of revenge on this show, don't we? You do? I know. I do. No, I genuinely do. A man got ripped off. A man got ripped off on the old gum tree, thought he'd bought a PlayStation 3 computer. Oh, yeah. And the guy never sent it. What is Gombtree?

Gumtree, it's like a community website where trading and notice boards and... Frank. Do they have eBay? You know in the olden days, isn't it? eBay gumtree. When you can buy things from two different sources. You know in the old days in a newsagent they have those little cards? They came up there.

They still have, though. And they never teach you French. No. In my experience. Yes, I'm okay. So it's like eBay, is it? No, not quite. It's more like kind of the classified adverts in a paper.

paper online. Okay. And so this guy thought he'd bought a PlayStation and then it never got sent. 80 notes, cost him. At a turn of revenge, he realised that he could text the guy's number from his computer. And so he texted him, he basically copied the entire works of Shakespeare and sent it all to the bloke in a series of text messages. How many text messages would that? Well, I'll tell you exactly. 17,424 would be my guess. No, I can tell you what it is, 29,000 text.

Oh, what? 29,000 tastes. He gets him in 160 characters. Oh, that's quite a good event. Yeah. Of course, you couldn't tweet him Shakespeare's complete plays because there's too many characters. So this Shakespeare text, I quite like this character.

Yeah. I didn't know you could send, like, a sort of continual texting going on like that. You could really mess up. I mean, that guy. Yeah. That'll stop him doing his dodgy deals. Yeah. I think it's a shame, really.

I look Shaw Taylor. If I'm tailed, that's my advice. Apparently, he's going to get, like, one full week's worth of text messages of Shakespeare broken down. It's almost tempting to send him the complete works of Shakespeare twice, so that he gets two weeks, and by the 12th night, God, it'll be incandescent with rage. Do you know, I like that even more than a Shakespearean joke? Yeah.

I mean, I think the whole story is much to do about nothing. I've got all of these. I'm doing... I'm doing the full works, yeah? Why did he send in... Why did he send in Shakespeare? Because crime and punishment would have been a good choice, wouldn't it? That's a long book, isn't it?

And it would fit. But that's just one book? But you're giving someone a free book, isn't that? That's what I don't like about it. The thing I like about it. If you came in and said, I've got you the complete works of Shakespeare, I'd be, oh, that's lovely. Yeah.

So what else... No, but that's giving me the ideas. I'm going to start giving people presents in that form now. Yeah, it doesn't feel like a bad thing to do. If somebody said, you've, I've never been treated like this before, right, take that. What, the complete works of Beatrix Potter, yes, and let that be a lesson to it. It doesn't feel that vicious. It might be like a nice daily thing to get as well, a nice little Shakespeare quote. The cream might enjoy it.

You might just stop using that phone for criminality and start thinking out of this is Shakespeare phone. There might have been a mix-up in the sorting office. A sorting office Bank? Sourcing office. We can't dismiss this blog as a cream because of one transaction. Haven't we all forgot to send off something we were selling on GOMTree in the past? Yeah, we have, haven't we?

Okay, well, I'm team Ed Joseph, I'm afraid. You're team crim. I'm not calling him Crim, it's not fair. I'm calling him GOM. Team GOM. Team GOM sounds quite good. isn't it? I might write a novel called that. Can't wait to read it.

Text it to me sometime. It'd be great if I did, because I think people who listen to this show now would think, I might buy that. I saw that Team Gom came out and might buy that. No, no one's ever going to think that. I remember at the inception of it, he just a throwaway line, and then he went on and pursued it, and did that whole novel about a team. What is it about exactly? Well, what it is, it's about there's a surprise given to develop a,

chewing gum where the flavour doesn't disappear. And this guy gets together some sort of spotty scientific friends. Yeah. And they work on it. But in the midst of it, they find out that they all have previous connections through one incident that had happened in 2005. Wow. And eventually that all falls into place.

Yeah. Anyway, I don't want to give spoilers. I don't want to give too much else away. But look out for that. and I'll probably text it to you. Yeah. When I've written it. Online, it sounds sticky.

That's what they say about online. He's on fire. Someone put him out. Thank you so much for listening today. It's been lovely in Newcastle. So what a nice time we've had. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now, get out. like a backwood step-pipe finding things quite frightening