The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Sky Lantern

Episode Date: August 30, 2025

We’ve made it to New Year of 2010 in our best bits of the radio show. There’s chat about the highest selling song of the decade, an aeroplane row, Frank draws the fourth round of the FA Cup and Tim Key is our guest. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It feels like a backwood step I know that people finding things quite frightening. Hello, welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Day, some of the best bits from my old show. We've made it to 2010, and Tim Kees, I guessed, fresh from his Edinburgh Festival Award win. By the one, we've got Tim Key as our guest today. Oh, yeah. Oh, I saw him in Edinburgh. I was in Edinburgh this year. Well, he won the big one. Oh, yeah. He won what's now called the Eddie, I think, this year, which was the Edinburgh.

We called it the Perrier back in the 80s. Edinburgh Comedy Award it was this year. Yeah, I think they shortened it to the Eddie. Do you see? Do you see how they did that? Edinburgh. It was the Eddies before, but they changed it. This isn't interesting. I don't think it was. I think it was the spot.com.

Oh, this is fascinating. to you two arguing about what it's called. Well, we can ask him, he won it. You'll know what it's called for goodness sake. I'm on Google as we speak. What did you say? I said, I'm on Google as we speak. Oh, I thought you call me a mongoose.

I mean, you know, I don't mind a bit of friendly leg pulling amongst work colleagues, but, you know. Don't take it personal. You have to retain a certain amount of dignity. I would never call you a mongoose, Frank. That would be out of order. Okay, well, thanks for that. I feel we've healed.

this new year do you remember when I said on on bonfire night I went around David Bediel's house and we all stood at the window looking through the window at other people's firewall I remember that well blow me if I didn't do exactly the same thing this year we stayed in

I wanted to go out on New Year's and I said let's go on to a tall hill there was me just establish you were at mother-in-law I was at my girlfriend's mum so there's me and my girlfriend and her sister and her boyfriend. So there was five of us, right? And I wanted to go out into the moot, because I don't drink. I wanted to go out into a nearby hill, because it's sort of in the countryside, and see the New Year in in the moonlight, you know, in a slightly pagan way. I thought may be naked and covered in body paint, but not necessarily. Anyway. Also, at this point,

you will have been desperate to get out of the house, I imagine. Well, yeah, though it was very cold. Anyway, we ended up standing at the bedroom window looking out at other people's fireway. Again, I've become a person who sits in a window. You know those old age pensioners, you see, who just look at people walking, but that's who I am. And I'll tell you what I saw loads of. Do you know what a sky lantern is? No. Let me tell you.

A sky lantern is a sort of paper lantern thing with a candle in it, all right? And it actually floats in the sky. light. And it was full of them. It was either full of them or it was a marching face. And you're sure you didn't have a bit of dementia kicking in? I've never even seen this. When he said, do you know what a sky lantern is? I thought it was just going to be like a head,

a street lamp. A head? Do you mean a head? Yeah, we hollowed out some of the locals heads. That's a nice thing in the country. You can get people's heads, hollow them out and put candles in. And most people are fine with it. Because a lot of them just live in trees and stuff in the country. So they don't know. No one knows. They're there.

Yes. Well, you say that. I written now, at the beginning of a decade, end of this decade, they'll call the tens. They'll be called the tens. They'll call the tens. Probably the Skylantern decade. I think the Skylantam is going to absolutely take over and go crazy. They'll be called like the teens, won't they? They'll be called. Will they be called the teens or would they be called the tens? Well, let's not discuss this on air. Yeah, but we have to wait 10 years basically to find out. Well, I mean, I don't know if that. I think our listeners have got quite a lot of spare time, but not that much.

My sister, God bless her, our Nora, she used to, she kept a big scrapbook. She may still keep it, because I don't keep any of my sort of cottons or anything. But she kept a big scrapbook of where I was in the paper or magazine or stuff. And neighbours used to put it through, if there was anything in that paper,

they'd put it through the letter box so she could add it to the scrapbook. And then, one, this has been a while back, and I don't used to think that it would say it's a regular thing. But basically, anyway, my boyfriend, my mum of a boyfriend. Well, you said it was a while back, and it's not a regular thing. If anyone's just tuned in now and switched off immediately, that's... It was a while back.

No, my brother, I was going to say. That's a terrible fraudulent sleep. My boyfriend's my brother. Yeah, my brother, well, anyway, he had bought his common-law wife, and she had to have 18 stitches in her head. And it was in the son, you know, Frank Skinner's brother, headbutts, common-law wife was the headline. And the neighbours, two or three neighbours, put it through.

Oh, that was thoughtful. This sister's letterbox for the scrapbook. That's always lovely. That's a nice thing. I mean, I don't know if she had an appendix in the scrapbook for, like, you know, family dirty washing. Anyway, I wasn't sure about that. Franks to turn your base, the knees away the place.

I tell you, I haven't had this. year, thank goodness, is what I used to get come New Year is I used to get this idea just before, look about the 30th of December, I used to think, what if I really don't like being in the new year, if I don't like the next year, and I feel terribly trapped in it? Oh, I understand that. So I've sort of, this year I'm comfortable, and then suddenly a new year starts, and I think, you know, so you get, do no, no, no, no, no, do it should all do it. And halfway through the old anxiety, I'm thinking, I don't like this year, I feel,

I feel horribly estranged and I can't breathe. I can't breathe in this year. And then you've got like 365, or 366 if you're a leap. You've got all that if it's... And honestly, I used to get into a real fret about it. And you're like, you're like king canute on the beach of time. You're like king canute. I've always said that.

You mongoose. Yeah, I've told you. I won't have that. Yeah. I see him as more of a pole cat. That's the morning! Oh, it's good to hear that again, isn't it? Will Young's song Anything Is Possible Stroke Evergreen

Was the highest selling single of the decade Controversial billing there You see, I'd say Evergreen was the main Really, that's the song you think of with that single Well, it was a double A side Yeah, but... What was on the other side? It was anything is possible

Oh, okay You know anything is possible No, how does it go that? Anything is possible We had this, this was the song we danced to Our wedding, me and Laura and I I'm glad you said me and Laura, because she were looking at me, and I was thinking, I don't even remember dancing at our wedding.

When was our wedding? Frank? What? He had that as his song. What else did you have Tico time? Oh my God, what's ever wedding was it? You mean the first song that you, that real romantic one, which is the beginning of your married life, that one?

Well, you have, I get a kick out of you or something. What else did you have, touch my bum, the cheeky girls, I bet? That is, anything is possible. It's a very moving, beautiful, song, Laura thought it was apt. Anything is possible. Just for me getting married. Well, if Laura chose it, I like it then. If Laura chose it, you're allowed it. Laura chose it and I chose that, you know, you have to choose your battles. Not that I don't love the song. What would you have gone for?

Girls and Boys by Blur. Well, that would have been a bit sleazy for a wedding. The thing I regret more than anything else. It's about being promiscuous in Greece or something. It's awful. I wouldn't, yeah. The thing I regret more than anything else is not having KFC as our wedding food. Because we had a buffet and it wasn't up to that. It's good that you regret that more than anything else. Anyway,

I think, what I think is I've read all these reviews of the decade and they're all things like that, top selling single, favourite film. People should be a bit more invented. They should have that weirder stuff. Also, my problem with the decade is I can basically

remember back about a fortnight. And I think, well, it's in the decade. It'll do. Like, if I, What would be good luck? Weirdest advert would be a good category, for example. Oh, that's good. And weirdest advert, for me, have you seen these?

They've suddenly appeared on the telly, asking you to put your gold in an envelope. And sending it, well, if you, that gold you've got in your cupboard, what's the gold in my cupboard? You're talking about? Send that in, what, the gold in my, yes, okay. And we'll send you some money for, yeah, I bet you will.

Right. They send you special envelope, so everyone knows it's gold. Special envelope, yeah. It's called stuff like your old gold. And we'll have that, one of the companies he's called. Oh, we'll have that. That bloke found the Anglo-Saxon gold in Scotland. What if he'd just put it into a jiffy bag?

I don't know what to do with it. It's a incredibly odd send a gold. What do you mean? What is it when you send you gold to a company? I'm not sending my gold. my Tiffany Key necklace he's not getting that yes Timothy Key is the guest by the way that was a fabulous link

I didn't see that coming at all I tell you the ad I hate Frank is that oh oh oh oh oh oh you're all right let's get back to this ad what's the ad you know very well what I mean that's that there's a funny woman singing that I think I heard a mongoose in here

what was that? Yeah yeah I don't know what that's for but it's not weird it's not I mean that's it Oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, make any sense. Normally, January of the 2nd would be that day when it gets back to normal,

which I always look forward to over Christmas. I just want it all to stop and just be like a normal life doing things that are normal again. But because of the weekend, you know, it's dragged out, it's still bank holiday it feels like today. Yeah, a little bit. I can't stand. I can't stand the stress for the whole thing. What stress? Oh, you know, the rows, the four winds, I had a, oh, you know, 20 minutes into the little year I had a row.

Did you? Yeah, with my, my girlfriend's brother. Oh. No, that's wrong. My girlfriend's sisters. Some bloke who was at the house. Well, your boyfriend, according to what you've been saying this morning. How many ex-boyfriends have you got?

Anyway, we had a big row. I mean, oh, dear God. My girlfriend, who'd gone to bed at this point, said to me, was everything all right last night? I heard shouting. Oh, dear. And I tried to tell her we were staging a small impromptu Ibson play. But no. No, we had a big row about, well, it's a bit of a...

It was whether or not there's a 13th row on aeroplanes. Oh, okay. Yeah. And I said I thought that many aeroplane companies didn't have one because customers didn't want to sit in the 13th row. The superstition. Yeah, I don't know quite what the superstition would be based on. The idea that something could happen to you.

in that row that wouldn't happen to the other people on the plane. Oh, because I was in this plane crash, but it's probably because I was in the 13th row. Yeah, what about the other people that weren't in the 13th row, but we're also in the, anyway, but we had, he said that then, that it was, you know, I'd made it up, and it was rubbish. And then I pretended

I was looking at some New Year greetings text, but really, I was on my iPhone. You weren't googling, were you? I was Googling 13th row in airplanes. And I said, well, maybe you'd like to read this. This might find this interesting continental airlines. Air Nippon, Luft Dancer, Air Malaysia. I continued along this, just rattling off.

But then it escalated because he said, oh, I didn't say that no, airlock. And I said, well, no, you did say that, because I got you to specify that, because I knew I was going to look it up, so I wanted a precise statement that I could tear apart. And then I said, so... It's not having a round with Rompol, honestly.

There was some Rompol involved. And then I said, oh, I mean, I got, it wasn't a good start to the year. And I said, you know, I just admit you were wrong. And he said, okay, I was wrong. I said, no, it doesn't that feel better? And he said, no, it doesn't, because I wasn't wrong. And then, of course, then it escalated. It got that completely out of her.

I'd already had an argument with my girlfriend just before New Year, because she wouldn't hula hoop. My girlfriend, sister, holler hoop. You know, but, you know, I like. What do you mean with an actual hula hoop? What do you think with? No, I wasn't in a chis-based thing. Burning Triumph Toledo. So why did you want her to Hulu Hoos?

Well, because I have this thing. I see New Year's... Fetish thing. When it actually becomes New Year, I see it as a bit like St. Swithon's Day. You know if it rains on St. Swithon's Day, it rains for 40 days and 49th, apparently. Well, I always think if New Year isn't perfect,

if that moment of midnightness isn't absolutely perfect, it'll be a terrible year in which horrible thing. I'm a bit with you on that. So my girlfriend's sister at Hula Hoopped, and we videoed her, you know, She's quite good at it. And then I at hula hooped. That sounds a bit creepy.

Well, I... Why did you video her hula hooping? It's weird. So we could celebrate that we'd gone into the new year in high spirits. Watching a lady hula hooping. She's not a lady. She's my girlfriend's sister, for goodness sake. So, and then I hula hooped, and I must say, I hadn't hula hooped that well over the holiday, up until that point.

But once the video went on, I hula hoop like there was no tomorrow. That's all I needed was a bit of incentive. But then I said to Kat, come on, we're all hula hooping. What fun we're having. Come on, great. He said, oh, no, I feel a bit sick. And I said, well, that's typical of you, is it. I say, I'm a bit sick. I feel a bit sick.

Why didn't you just hooloop? And that didn't go that well either. It's Rona Week. Now until Wednesday, rain or shine, you can always be building yourself a better summer. So head on over to Rona and save 35% on cans of 3.78-liter Rona interior. paint. Give that room you keep saying needs a fresh coat of paint, a fresh coat of paint. Build it right, build it Rona. Conditions apply, details in store, and more offers at rona.com. We sell buckets too. You can get protein at home or a protein latte at Tim's. No powders, no

blenders, no shakers. Starting at 17 grams per medium latte, Tim's new protein lattes, protein without all the work. At participating restaurants in Canada. Bankmore oncours when you switch to a Scotia Bank banking package. Learn more at ScotiaBank.com slash banking packages. Conditions apply. Scotia Bank, you're richer than you think. So we are joined by Tim Key. Hello, Tim.

Hello, Frank. Now, Tim is, I'm going to call you Edinburgh Comedy Award-winning comedian. What about that? Don't mind that. In fact, I presented Tim with that very award. Did you? How was that you? Yeah, that was great.

I remember on the day, actually, you walked straight past me and hugged your mate. Yeah. There was two of us. There was two of us presented the award. He sort of took the award off me. You know, when you see runners in a marathon who grabbed water from the people at the side, it was like a... I really needed an award quickly before I hug David. I think you did, you?

And I got nothing, not even a handshake. I was just overawed. It's fine. I think you honestly didn't recognise me Of course I recognised you We get people on the show We get people on the show To settle scores, Tim

This is why people come on Bank bears grudges You just need to know Do you want to huggy? No, you were a very You were a very popular winner Tim And it was that you brought the house down, I remember Has it changed your life winning that award?

No, not really Really? Well, it's, to be honest It's a bit of a cliche But it really hasn't sunk in I was thinking about it yesterday because it's New Year so I was thinking about it

and it is I still am quite sort of quite staggered by it really because it is like for a British comic it's a bit like winning an Oscar it is amazing

it is yeah it's really amazing I don't know did it change your life you want it didn't you I think it changed it a bit I was able to pull a bit more

yeah I was able to pull a bit more yeah I used I used the trophy as a lure yeah I do that yeah yeah when I won it It's a Perrier Award. It used to be, it was like a... It got more publicity, I think, because of the sponsorship.

But this year it got a lot of publicity because it hadn't got any sponsorship. Yeah, this year, it felt like it was... They'd sort of thought quite hard about the publicity side of things. Yeah, so they had... The awards was in the afternoon and stuff so they could make all the papers and things like that. It was quite a good one to win.

I mean, it's not a bad one to win, is there, but... I thought you won the pure version, because there was no sponsors involved. It was all tarnished by commercialism. Yeah, I think it's probably the best. award yet, isn't it? The one that I won. So, yeah, I think, certainly the best one in that decade. Yours are so commercial. It was, it was, actually. Yes, I was carried around Edinburgh by Kathy Lloyd, the former Page 3 girl.

I'm surprised you accepted it, I thought you would have declined. Well, you know, in those days, I needed the help. So anyway, it was a great, so congratulations on that. I didn't get a chance to congratulations on the day because you ignored. I ran off. but that's all right so Timmy you have a book out yeah

now I shouldn't explain there might be people listening who don't know your work there might well be quite a few how would you if you had to if I was an alien who landed which I seemed to remember

you looked at me like I watched and I gave in your own have you been sort of have you had a quite difficult four months since then oh just worrying about it people kept saying to me God that was terrible

what Tim Keated I said I think it was an accident it just played oh it looked like a condo deliberate snob, meow. No, so, if someone said, so, what do you do, Tim? Because you're not the normal stand-up comic, this is why I'm getting that. No, no, no. I'm not a stand-up comic at all, I don't think.

I basically, yeah, quite weird, actually, to win the award, because really I sort of do poetry. And I kind of do offbeat, idiosyncratic poems, and then sort of, while I'm doing it, they're quite poor, and then while I'm doing them, I sort of commentate on them and talk around them and stuff like that. sometimes that veers slightly in to stand-up, you know. I do make the odd rye observation or joke.

Just to make sure I definitely won that award. That's what they want. They don't want too many jokes. They want the odd one. But no, I don't do like, I didn't, like, you did loads and loads of stand-up, didn't you? And then just, uh, or was it, how long had you done stand-up for before you want it? I think I started, I did my first gig at the end of 87, and I won the award in 91. So, yeah, but I did, I've been doing the show.

clubs yeah and I didn't do the clubs at all like I I basically have just done um about four clubs over the last seven years but done them a lot and done them for no money and sort of worked out I've just been working up Edinburgh shows really you're an artist Tim that's what you are yeah yeah yeah yeah no I'm not an artist I just was never asked to do a gig where people gave me money okay I still quite like I like the idea of performing so I'd sort of go along and do things for no money and uh yeah kind of work out i like i this is my i went to edinburgh in 2001 so i've done quite a lot of edinburgh shows so um yeah but i didn't kind of do the whole circuit and things like that yeah but i must say on the day uh as i say when we announced the winner it got

raw i got like i sense you were the favorite in the room do you know what i mean there was love in the room well um don't deny it tim there was love oh i'm not about to deny it okay No, the thing about winning it was It was really nice to win it But that was the most humbling thing Was that, yeah, people were really, really nice about it And a lot of comedians were And that's kind of my slight regret about

Because you don't like to write a speech For when you win the award Because there's always a chance that you might not win it So I didn't write a speech Can always recycle next time you win something Always write a speech, love Yeah, I should recite, yeah But I just regret not sort of...

The one thing I meant to do, I think, was to thank, like, comedians for coming and watching my show because it's really nice when other comedians come and watch your show and are nice about your show and things because, you know, everyone's sort of just focusing on their stuff. You could have started, like, thanking me for handing over the award. Tim Keyes, I guess, this morning. Now, Tim, Tim, we mentioned that you have a book out.

Yeah. Tell us a bit about the book. But there it is. Well, that's not going to work on radio. Is it not? No, you're going to have to tell us. You can have to describe it. Paint your word pictures, you crazy poet, man.

Okay. It's a sort of an obergene-coloured affair. Oh, well. One thing you can't judge a book by, I find. Is the colour. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's got a rubbish cover, but don't worry about that.

Inside is, yeah, art, basically. It's absolutely ideal. It's sort of a... I did a book a couple of years ago, which is poetry. and then as it went through it kind of subsided into kind of nonsense and the poem sort of became less and less and it kind of lost its way during the book

and I had lots of footnotes and sort of discussed this problem and this one sort of starts where that one left off so it's already lost its way when you start and it's kind of just a selection of nonsense ideas just not even really knitted together properly but I've got a designer who designs it makes it look nice and hopefully that sort of papers over the cracks slightly You know, you should go into sales, Tim.

Well, we were reading the book only this morning and laughing outload. Oh, good. So I think you've, it's much better than Tim suggests it is. Yeah. It's chaotic. It's chaotic. Basically, the way it was written was, while I was doing other stuff, this was kind of my thing where if you have like deadlines,

boring deadlines that you have to meet and stuff like that, this is my one thing where I could just sort of go to the pub just for an hour, have a pint and just write one thing, and did that over about 18 months. So you wrote in the pub? Yes. Okay. Yeah.

Or a disco. Anyway, I was like, you... A raid. Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever have one of those pens on a small torch in the end? Yeah. I'm fascinated.

You know these blokes who read in pubs? I don't know the newspaper. The blokes who bring a novel into the pub and I'm always fascinated. That might be me. I'm trying to think. Have you ever read a novel in a pub? No, of course not. That's what we're reading in a pub.

Oh, it is, hence that Morris is a song, No, I don't think I'm a novel in a pub type person. Oh, well, I'm glad to hear that. But writing in a pub, I quite like writing in a pub, or writing in a cafe. Well, A.E. Houseman. Oh, go on. A.E. Houseman, that's my A.E. Houseman, a laugh. Are you sure you want to talk about A.E. Houseman?

Yeah, whenever we mention him, there's a very, very brief news item. Unrelated. Once he's, once you've mentioned him, the first. first time on that show, you can, I'll try it again, A.E. Houseman, so it's all right, just that first one. Broke in the back of it. Yeah, it always shags me up a bit. I forgot, I hadn't, I hadn't pressed the... It sets off all sorts of procedures here. Whenever we say A.E. Houseman.

It goes into an emergency code. You're all saying it now. But anyway, yeah, it's all right. We've got the first one out of the way, don't worry. He used to... You know, he's this Shropshire poet. He used to go to the pop, and he used to have about three or four points. And then on the walk back, he said the stanzas would just drop out of him. Just from the beer. Yeah.

So, are you inspired by beer? No, I'm not inspired by A.E. House, man. I kind of... Beer, not A.E. House. Yeah. Yeah, I don't misunderstand me. I don't sort of go and get hammered and then...

Oh, no, I never suggested that for a second, too. It's just quite nice sometimes, just to have, like, a nice sort of pint in a pub and write a bit of nonsense. But do people come over and say, what are you writing, mate? That can happen, yep. I'm honest about it. writing this writing a book There's no shame in it

No no It's a lovely thing to say I'm What about this I'm I'm drawing the fourth Round of the FA Cup You're not

I am Do you get to hold a silky bag? I get to hold the silky bag And don't say a thing Okay Yes I get to I get to pull the ball's head Where is it?

Gareth I'm telling you Can I come and watch you with a silky bag? You can't come and watch me It's for boys Yes, me and Paul Elliot We're going to draw the fourth round of the FAC I mean that means every time I take a ball out of that bag It will mean that people will have to travel from Portsmouth to Sondland

They'll have to book babysitters, hire cars Get their coach tickets Footballers will have to be driven to stay at certain hotels Just because of the ball I pulled out the bag At last, I'm running the world Okay So look, it's been a lovely show. It's been an odd show.

To be honest, I'll be absolutely straight. I think I'm funnier at 8 o'clock than I am at 10. Why do you say that? Put a down on it when we've had a really nice time. By the way, whatever you're wearing tomorrow for the draw, don't wear that. Thanks very much. I'm just going to wear a very large velvet bag. I think that would be sort of infitting, isn't it?

And what I put in it will be my business. What else I'd like to know is that that thing that Gareth, was on about yesterday. Oh, yeah. How frustrating an anecdote. It was this. Oh, he's going to tell us. Well, it started off well because I came into Waterloo Station

and I saw Lee Ryan come out of the tube. Oh, is that off of blue? Yeah, off of blue. And that was quite exciting. And then I went down onto the tube and saw another famous person. Yes, now this is where the anecdote gets moddy. Go on, carry on. Tell us what you delivered yesterday by way of an anecdote.

Um, she's a lady, and I can't remember what her name is or what she does. Hmm. But I've got, I can describe her physical appearance. See, I love a celebrity spotted story in which you don't know the celebrity. So, okay, so what we thought we would do, because we, we, um, we went through this. We thought we'd ask our, our very, um, knowledgeable listeners, if they can rescue this anecdote by finding out who the celebrity is. So if Gareth's going to give us his description. Physical description.

Well, it'll only be physical. I don't think we can give her emotional. No, but you could do an impression of her voice if she spoke. She didn't say anything, no. I did see right into her very soul. Did you really? And you didn't recognise that either? No.

No distinguishing features. Hair colour, please. And style. She had slightly Sharon Osborney hair, but more spiky, spiky kind of almost mangary hair, A bit like liono from the Thundercats. Oh, okay. What colour?

I'm kind of reddy, darky, dark red. Oh, hold on, hold on. I might ruin the whole thing by get this. Oh, okay. Don't ruin it, Frank, yeah. Oh, okay. Should you not ruin it? Well, no, can I have a guess?

Okay, then. Is it that woman, I can't remember a name now. Oh, my goodness. So that text number is 8, 12, 15. Now, hold on. She used to work with Kenny Everett. Oh, my God. Cleo.

Rockos? Cleo Rockos. Let's see. I'll Google it. Google image, Cleo Rockhouse. Is everyone just going to have to listen while we all Google? Yeah, well, let's talk about something while we Google. I love Googling, don't you? Prince Charles.

Yes, that's her! I've got it. That's her, yes. Too loud it says on my screen then. You're too close to the mic. My ears are bleeding. My ears are bleeding. Help me. On the plus side, we've worked it out. On the minus side, we've ruined the phoning.

We have ruined the phone in. Clay lies still, but bloods are over. Breaths are where that we'll not keep up, lad, when the journey's over. There'll be time enough to sleep. Oh, no, it's the A.E. Housman alarm. Oh, what a fall I've been. Oh, people will come in now from absolute... I don't know if you know, but at absolute rate, if anyone mentions...

It's all right now, couldn't you've mentioned it the first time, it's okay. If you mention A.e. Houseman or any of his work, an alarm goes off. You know A. A. A.O.Sman. I'm sure you're all thinking, oh, God, not more A.E. Houseman. That's why they brought the alarm in the first place to stop that. I don't know if you know, but I'm a legend. Oh, yeah, we know that. I hate people that use that. Legend. Yeah, legend.

You're legend. I am a legend. I've got the hardware to prove. I've got a trophy. Because this week I won the Loaded Legend Award. Oh. Because I am a loaded legend. In fact, I brought in a bank statement to prove it. you know yes i um i am i am i won the loaded legend oh loaded magazine

yes so they did these awards and they get it's like a lifetime achievement so it's an you know it's nice when people you know recognise all the work you've done over the years i'll give you an idea of how big an event it was yeah jedwood were a no show now can you imagine jedd would thinking uh shall we go oh no too busy now if if if we've got to that stage. Well, don't assume that. I think they probably just got stuck in a lift somewhere. Maybe.

I thought maybe, because they gel so heavily and live their hair so hot, they might have been clearing snow with each other. Wouldn't that be a great publicity shot for the... So they should do that with one of them just shoveling up. Or got stuck together like stickle bricks. No, it was... No, stickle bricks?

I do know those. Of course I know stickle bricks. What do you think I am before? I want to know more about the Loaded Awards then. So they called you a legend. Did you walk up some stairs, collect an award and go and sit back down again and have you call scratching? Oh, no, I did about 20 minutes speech.

Did you? Oh, Frank, 20 minutes. That's a bit self-indulgent. Yes. And everyone was... It was hosted by Olivia Lee. Do you know Olivia Lee? You wore a lovely posh frock and everything.

Oh, yes. I know who she is, yeah. Yes. As soon as I said posh frock, you knew. And people won various things like Justin Lee Collins won funniest man and Reeves and Mortimer the one funniest double act. But then it said,

I know the centrepiece of the thing. Oh, like a floral arrangement. Exactly. Apparently, I'm the only male celebrity. I use the term celebrity. Well, I don't even use it because I can't say. I'm the only male celebrity to appear on two loaded covers. Right, quite a distinction.

I think you'll agree. And they had one of me, winking, doing like a big wink. Sorry, what? Winking. Yes, on the cover. And it's the strangest wink. I've ever seen. It didn't look like a wink. It looked like I was someone who wore an eye patch

who'd taken it off and thought, to hell with it. I'll show you the dark, sinuous socket without anything in it. When I saw it, I was appalled. So you looked elderly and ill rather than cheeky. Yes, it was a bit like the new absolute publicity campaign. So I got the photo. Did I tell you, I was doing a photo thing with Dave Gorman. Oh, and the OC? I love the OC. And we all had to get made up, so it looked like it was first thing in the morning.

Well, you didn't have to then. Well, the thing was, now I've seen the photos, I look absolutely like a cadaver, like some sort of cadaver. And they just look normal. What does the O.C. look like? The O.C. looks absolutely fantastic. I don't think he can look rough. Dave Gorman, he can have his moments. Well, he's got to be it anyway, so, you know, that's half the effect on.

Something of the man of the road of him. So it looks like, we've turned. turned up to do a normal photo shoot and I just happened to have dysentery. So it's, for me, I think people are just going to say he looks terrible. The whole theme has gone, but they're going to use

it anyway. So, you know, anyway, I can't wait to see that. Anyway, legend. And when we left, we got a goodie bag from Durex. So an enormous is in an enormous carrier bag with Durex on the side. What was inside it?

Well, I couldn't possibly tell you that. Oh, okay. You know, you can guess what was inside it. Is that all you got? Oh, yeah. And the thing is, I thought, if I bump into my parish priest with this, it's going to be nightmare. And my girlfriend got one as well, and she was having her induction day at work. She's the new sugar babe.

I was talking about the loaded party. I noticed that the previous loaded legends, which is like Bruce Forsyth, Vic Reeves, Harry Enfield, every one of them. I bet you had turned up for them. Yeah, probably. But they wouldn't have been famous then. We'll move on. Yes. You've taken it too logically.

Yeah. You have to allow a bit of surreality. Right. So, yeah, so I thought I'm the only winner who hasn't got a catchphrase. Oh. So I've tried over the years. I tried one. I used to come on and rub my thumb just down my belly and say,

oh, sorry, I normally wear a waistcoat. That wasn't going to take off, was it? The reason it couldn't take off is... The terrible catchphrase. No, but you've got to do them on the telly. See, I was doing it on a tour, so I'd do it in one place saying Grimsby on Tuesday night. They'd never heard it before.

Then I'd do it again, Bristol, nothing. I think it's not catching on, is it? But of course, they were all in it once, which doesn't work with the catchphrase. I mean, if you just do it once, I could say this entire show was my catchphrase. So that doesn't work, so I need something. I've tried.

I think you have got loads of catchphrases. You just don't realise it. Okay, I'll tell you what you always say. You always go, Haite, tight air. I do say that. But that's in my private life. That's usually when you say something rather grand.

It's actually from little women, the Judy Garland thing, when they say something to their aunt. You know, I won't be told what to do, and the aunt goes, heighty, tight air. I love it. And you say, Frank, you say, good day to you.

But you could say that, but then if that was at the beginning of the show, it might ruin it all. Yeah, now that is from cartoon. Oh. Yes. And Charlton Heston, they're all about to go in this battle where most of them are going to die. And he says, well, you go over there and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Good day to you. It's fantastic. And also, another catchphrase that you have in your normal life is say we're talking about looking for a catchphrase, and you'll go, looking for a catchphrase, I know, I know. Yes, that is true. He sings everything to the tune of girlfriend in the coma. Yes, but I can't use that as an official catchphrase because Alanis Morris, who I believe wrote that song.

I know I've done a compound of two singers. It's me being whimsical. He would come round, Alanis Moraesay, and say, You can't use my tune without paying me. And, you know, I hate it when he does that. Because I always want to go up to him and rub my fingers up his temples.

Because, you know, they're shaved. Oh, Marasi, I could just kiss you. on your big lips. Don't you dare. I don't know. So, yeah, if anyone, I'd like, if anyone could think of a catchphrase for me, any of our very smart listeners.

And on my next performance, I will give it a go and let you, I'll see if I can, you know. I've got an idea for one. Oh, God, you'll come in very loud then. I've got an idea for you. Or once, because sometimes when a Birmingham rings in, they sometimes...

Can you not call them? I'm okay, sorry. When someone from Birmingham is here, they'll say things like Albign, Albignia. Albignor, is it? Yes, and Tarah a bit. Oh, yeah, that could be your catchphrase. Albignia?

Yeah, Abinia. That's quite good, don't you think? Hmm. I don't know if it's got universality, though. But, you know, I'm putting, I'll write it down. Okay. Albina. It has to be delivered.

Yeah, binya. That's the only thing. But, you know, I'll work. Anyway, if you can think of a cat, I honestly will. The next time I'll do something. and I'll do it in public, see how it goes. You could change my life. Of course you'll be paid if it's successful.