The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Sliced Cheese

Episode Date: March 18, 2026

We’re at the end of 2012 with Frank, Emily and Alun. This time there’s bad Christmas presents, Dad jokes, a root canal and Frank’s had one of his worst evenings ever. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything. Like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember, 988, Canada's suicide crisis helpline. It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder anytime. 988 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government in Canada. Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days.

We're at the end of 2012 and we're talking about my awkward moment with example. You know, the music bloke. Hey, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, you can text us on 81215. You can follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. When I say us, I mean myself, Alan Cochran, and Emily Dean. Can I begin by congratulating our producer, Daisy, who passed her driving test yesterday? Yeah.

Very, very. It's one of the great moments of your life, I think. If you list, if I was to list, say, the four, five. I said the four great moments of my life. The other three, no strike at me, I can't say, on radio. But certainly passing my test. One involved a hotel intercontinental, because you told me that. Yes, that's true.

I don't know that. Maybe later. Anyway, it was free as well because I was doing a corporate downstairs. So, yes, it is, it's a special moment. You feel like it's like suddenly getting the power of flight. I think I slightly spot. things in that Daisy sent me a joyous text. Yes, I got that text. Saying I've passed my test.

And I said, well actually it's P-A-A-W-S-E-D, not P-A-S-T. That was my... Why did you say that? Because even in moments of relation, I think spelling still counts. Okay. So anyway, welcome to the show, everyone. I hope you're feeling up the hangover's not too bad. Everybody's drunk, everybody in Britain is drunk at the moment.

except me. So it seems but I am eating... Yeah, well we are as well. I'm eating chocolate at 8 o'clock in the morning. Yeah, where did you start with? You start with the... Oh, you started with the bat. I've got a chocolate reindeer. I started at the Scot. I've gone... I've gone ahead.

I didn't even think they had a Scot. I thought they had like a proper tail of reindeer, but now they've got a... They've got one of those. Like a Bonnie Girl. I've not started mine yet. Bonnie Girl Scott. Can I begin by telling you something terrible that happened to me this week? Yeah. I did the Graham Norton show, and that isn't the terrible thing.

No. I like doing the Graham Norton show. He's a nice bloke. Who were your fellow couch people? Can I just ask? My fellow coach people. You know you get your initial three people on the couch, and then you're joined by a musical guest. Oh, yeah, at the end, yeah. It's the way it works.

I think that was the spot that Melanie Massen had in mind when she was asking me if she could come on my show. That's right. Oh, yes. Yeah. And it's interesting because we talked about the fact that I'm often mistaken for Graham Norton. And I said, are you ever mistaken for me? And he said, no.

So what does that mean? Sing. It's a bit of a one-way street with look-a-likeness. So I was with Billy Piper. Lovely. I was very excited about it. Actually, when I met her, you know, you did the show of his kiss. I said, oh, Rose.

You did it. That was their character in Doctor Who I got. No, she was fine with it. It wasn't just a random name. She was fine with it, but she actually said, what a muggle. Look, you know, I could have called her stuff based on other well-known roles she's played. Then she'd have a reason to be upset. So it was, and Josh Groban, the singer.

Oh, you raised me up. Well, I didn't think you'd be that excited. So wasn't that Jerry Halliwally did that? No, that he did you raise me up? So anyway, that was it. It was all set. And the musical guest was example. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's trendy, Frank.

He's one of the trendies. Well, I'll be absolutely straight with you. You know, I'm a middle-aged man. And when I say middle-aged, if I'm going to live to 110, I'm a middle-aged man. That's bleak. And I thought, I could do in the modern technology. I mean, it could be the last four years as a hologram. Yeah.

Anyway, what I thought, I'm not familiar with examples work. Mm-hmm. So I thought I'd go on the YouTube. You know the YouTube? Yeah, yeah. Go on there and find a few, as it were, examples. Par example. Lovely, few EGs.

So I listened to a track. You know what? I loved it. Oh, good. It was brilliant. I really, really liked it. And I thought, you know, I'd play that on absolutely. It was a little bit, it was a little bit drum and bassy for absolutes.

I don't think I'd be allowed. It's a bit street. for us. It was a bit straight. It was a bit rubric. Right. And I'm just saying if any of these adjectives fit. So anyway, it was slightly garage and a bit grunge.

Okay. And... It wasn't grimy, was it? Not the version I looked at. No. No. Anyway, so I really liked it. And it was called Lowdown.

So we did the show, and the show was, you know, I put my blue stratos on, I was all set, turned up, show went nicely. I saw afterwards, example came up to me and said, how you doing and all that. And I said, hey, I said, I tell you there's a track of yours I really love, lowdown. And he said, what, you've heard it on, on low down. I said, no, no, the track, low down. I said, I feel so ill at this moment. I know it's not going to end well. I said, I think it's brilliant.

I said, I'll be honest with you. I wasn't familiar with your stuff, but I listened to that. I thought, honestly, it's great. Oh, my God. He said, I don't have a, I don't have a track. Cool. No, dear. Frank, this is the worst thing you've ever done.

I feel ill. And I actually did. You know, those things you hear people have said, oh, I think you did. I actually, I actually said, no, no, you definitely. It's definitely you. I mean, oh, please. And he said, no, honestly, I don't. enough track called Lowdown.

And you know, the show had gone well, and I felt good. I had that... That glow. If a show goes well, yeah, I'd say a good show and ready, Brett. The two things in my life that give me that glow. And I had that. I felt up and elated. And I had...

I suddenly got the quickie stomachache I have ever got in my life. I was crippled with stomach pains. I can't believe you argued to him. That's like that extraordinary argument you had with Tony Blair. Yes, about whether Brian Ricks was a little. live and he'd met him the week before or something. So I had that, I had that which I believe is known as root canal work. Oh, right.

Well, people say that. That's got a hurt. Yeah, people say that, oh, it's a big end. That's what I like about it because it's got a bit of notoriety. That's all I've got in the root canal conversation is, ooh, I've heard that. Have you had it, Al? No, never, but I've heard that it. I've had it.

Well, tell you what, I'm going to blow the gaff on root canal. It's not as bad as it sounds. It's all right. Oh, really? It's fine. It's all right. It's absolutely fine. Was the tooth pain before the root canal bigger than the root canal pain?

Is that what you're saying? There was no pain. I thought you were in agony when you were talking. You just like the sound. I'm just got a Venice theme running down the left-down side of my head. Like when American kids got braces just because they were cool. Is it like that? I felt like that.

This terrible, this terrible ponning illness. I thought, well, a great time of a little gondola on top. Well, there was, I read about a bloke, did I tell you this? A bloke who had an operation on his brain. And they must have tickled his ponning area. Oh, yeah. And when you woke up, he couldn't start. He did about eight ponds, one after the other,

all about surgery, scalples, masks. Brilliant. I'll bet the novelty wore off, but at first when he came around. And that one was William Shakespeare. Frank Tim Fine it was Were you on heavy medication I'm assuming at this stage

Well I only had the one big needle It wasn't, you know It was fine There was some There was some smoke You know when you're being drilled You know when you're being drilled And it starts to actually

physically smoke You can see I was so calm about it Looking back I was sitting there My tooth was on fire I've said two. Well done. It was on fire.

I could smell it. Because it's... Because it's... Your mouth is... I don't know if you ever noted this. The mouth's quite close to the nose. Yeah. So the smoke, you know, was...

I could smell it. No, so it was... It was fine. Anyone who's got root canal coming up. It's lovely. I'd really recommend it. And I'd hear something... The worst thing about the dentist for me

is not the drilling and all that. It's... The conversation, I... No, it's the water in the mouth that you're not supposed to swan. Oh, I love the pink water with the pill in it. No, I like the, would you like to rinse out now? Oh, I love it. That's brilliant.

I'd like a bottle of that ever at my side for rinsing out. I wish you could order that in restaurants. Yeah. Can I have the pink water, please, when you're a dissolving pill? And you know that ice pocket you have understood? Could you put that at the side of me but empty, just for spitting? It'd be great as a palate cleanser. But now I'm on about the, when they,

had to shoot water in to stop your mouth catching fire. And then I always want to swallow, you know, that thing. But with this work I had, they had a little rubber sheet with a hole in it, and they stretched it. So it was just the tooth was in the hole sticking out. What? Yeah. So, you know, when...

A little circus, big top. It was like when the chimney sweeps used to come when I was a kid. And they covered a hole house except for one hole where the chimney is. It was like that. Wow. What happened to those characters? No one gets that dirty at work. anymore. They were proper, absolutely black face, black hands, black clothes. They'd come to the door like that. They started work like that dirty.

No one now. Everyone's got jobs. Oh, I'm a consumer platform operator. Robbish! Where's the sweeps of yesteryear? SUTTY, 2008. I was in the chair for two hours. at the dentist, and I think there should be some sort of in-flight entertainment. Right. It's quite... Well, didn't you have any? Well, no.

My dentist always gives me sex in the city box. They're all sorts. I wonder where that was going. Do you what? It doesn't... There's a screen in there. There's a screen. No.

Yes. Can you see it? You can keep saying, no, I'm going to keep saying yes. It happens. But the big lights in the way, isn't it? Well, it depends. what procedures you're having. I don't know where to look.

Well, I mean, if I'd thought I would have gone for my audio. Oh, you could have taken a Dracula or? Yeah, exactly. I do that's finished now, isn't it? Oh, that's long gone. I'm on the on-a-bridged basketball's life of Johnson. That's a few hours. I listened to the talking book you gave me the other day, the War of the Worlds.

How was it? It was great. A bit frightening. Yeah, a bit frightening. Well, that's what you want from War of the World. But I knew that it was going to be frightening, so it was frightening in a good way. Oh, spoiler alert. 50 years later.

Well, I went to my accountants yesterday. A bit frightening? How is that? No, it was all right. Don't talk about that. I walk past the Jimmy Carr Shrine in the corner. Now, in the waiting room there, you know, you go in the waiting room and the accountant? Oh, I know what you mean?

You know, when you go in the waiting room anywhere, you might get, you know, read is digest or something like that. And that, Gio? There's an iPad in my accountants. You can, with games, games loaded. No way. Yeah. So who's paying for that?

Well, I hadn't thought of that. I was thinking the calibre of people that are coming in there are obviously trustable because he's leaving iPads lying about. No one's popping it into their tote bag. Yeah, I hadn't thought of that. Manbag. But there wasn't, the receptionist is keeping an eye on things. Nothing's going crazy.

So I had 10 minutes with Angry Bird before I went into it. Angry Bird, like, a friend of yours. No, what happens is I Skyped Kath. That's what I meant. No, I had, I'd never played Angry Bird before. And it was great. So, I mean, that's what people need to have. They need, the days are gone when people just sit and stare into space, you need entertainment.

So the next time I have dental work, I'm going to say, as you mind, if I listen to my mind, audio book. I think that's a good idea. Yeah. What sex in the city box there? Lovely. Don't fancy that much. I'll give you my dentist number. No, I will give you my dentist number. I walked, I went walking the other day

and through London, it was it was belting down the rain. And I had me my cagull hood up, and I was listening to Boswell's Life of Johnson. And it was... Extraordinary sight. One of the coziest. You know when you get the hood right over, it's like

being in a little cave. Loved it. Everybody needs cave time. Speak for yourself. Yeah. Don't you even get it in the toilet? Sometimes you get in the toilet and you think, oh, lovely and cozy and you're going to talk about your talking book.

I don't like a talking book. Maybe you should take a talking book to the time. That time is precious, Frank, in the toilet. I agree. Yeah. Love that time. Never get that time back. Especially when you got a child.

Oh, I'll go and spend two or three hours in there. Yeah, it's lovely. No, everyone's got their own little caves, so you know my little places here. I see that. You need that. I see putting the extractor fan on as like lighting a little log fire as well. Just for a bit of atmos. Well, I had root canal surgery this week, so I'm not an extractor fan at the moment. Oh, lovely.

Frank. I'm feeling good. Very good. We've had news from the outside world. Good. Lee? On 812, 15. believe so. Lee says,

Amon Holmes yesterday advised on his daytime show that Daniel Craig had taken his PA slash secretary. I think he used the word stolen. And of course Daniel Craig, as regular listeners will know, had my cleaner. Well, he's building his staff the way Man United used to build their youth team. That'll be libelous probably.

I think they own, I think they got caught. Why are they? they're going to Daniel Craig and leaving you in here. Yeah, exactly. Well, he's the man of the moment, isn't he, Daniel Craig? And they know he's away a lot, so life's easier. Whereas I'm just hanging around. Still, I'm in the toilet five hours a day. I don't know what they've got to worry about.

He needs to be stopped, though. He's a poacher. He will kill again. Well, you know, he's got the licence. Here's what we need to talk about. A story this week about a woman who was high on drinking drugs. and stole the passenger ferry. I was here all the time.

And then crashed into boats, shouting, I'm Jack Sparrow, has been jailed. Strict. Wieland. Seems a bit strict, doesn't it? I like, she said, I'm Jack Sparrow. I'm Sparck. I'm Sparckus.

Yeah, but jailing seems unfair. They should have made a walk a plank, really, shouldn't they? The Daily Mail said that she claimed that she'd have ended up in Santa Pave, if they hadn't caught her. I like that. She didn't claim that, did she? She speculated. Yeah.

Also, it's a bit of Fred Goodwin. I like that. But it's also a bit of the arrogance of somebody really drunk that just assumes that, oh, if you'd let me do that, I would have done it really well and ended up in somewhere good. Wouldn't that? There's all sorts of tidal considerations. Frank, can I tell you what else? My favourite thing. I like the idea she'd have sobered up and been reading, like, sea charts. Hold on, it turns out, if I'm not mistake. Hold on. Can you pass us that sextant?

Turns out I've ended up in Santa Fe. And can I say my favourite thing about this story, other than the fact that she was drinking Lambrieney, was the fact that she shouted to police at one point, I believe this is out of your jurisdiction, which is so someone who's watched Miami Vice too many times. Someone who used to listen to Radio Caroline. And I thought, oh, yeah, I'm off shore now so they can't touch me.

Not true. Absolutely not. She might well have used to listen to Radio Caroline. She's 51. That was the thing that amazed me. one. In the picture, she did not look unlike Jack Sparer. Sorry. She shouted, I'm a pirate,

which I don't, I think that was quite an unwise admission. But the odd thing, I know nothing about modern decadence at all. I've heard of Lambriene. Okay. I think I used to... That's not really decadence, Frank. It's a bit pound land. She also had been eating deadly nightshade. Is that what it says?

Yeah. Now, I didn't know, I didn't know you could eat deadly night. I thought it said something like that should be the eating hallucinogenic plants. Oh, well, you should have read further down. Mushrooms. No, I'm afraid it was deadly nightshade. Oh my goodness. Which I then looked up on Wikipedia, because I thought it was a killer.

All I knew about it is there used to be a kid in Dennis the Menace's gang called Dudley night shirt. Oh. But anyway, no people do use, because they used to use it off of poison-tipped arrows. Is that right? But now they use it as an elucidgenic drug. any drug? Can you believe that? No, that wasn't a rhetorical question.

Can you believe it? Yes. Yeah. I was knocked out. So what happened? They basically... I used to have a poison tip tower myself. Fank. But, you know, antibiotics. Dang. I didn't know. Now, last night, a friend of mine was...

He had a birthday, and he had it lords. Oh. Not lords. lot. No pilgrimages. No. And it was he combined it with an indoor cricket tournament. Lovely. Well now I used to play cricket twice a week, but I was rubbish then.

I haven't played for six years, so I just said, I'm going to come and just humiliate myself. And I said to everyone before, they said, do you blame much cricket? And I said, look, I'm rubbish. Actually, I didn't use that word, but I'm using it. I'm changing for what the word I actually use.

which was four letters. I said, I'm rubbish. I've always been rubbish, and now I'm, you know, I was rubbish when I played regularly and played for six years. So anyway, so I went in and to bat.

I know, I've just seen a picture. It's just been sent in. Carry on. Oh, God. I went in to bat. You look, can I just say, sorry to drop. You look pretty hot.

I have to say. Oh, wow. I sweat quickly. Okay. So I went into bat. And first ball I missed by about three feet. And the second ball... That sounds bad.

I was bowled again. So I actually needn't have taken my bat. If I'd gone into bat without my bat, nothing would have changed at all from what happened. But I was never that good with the bat, right? But I could bowl a bit, a little bit, right? So I thought, oh, at least I'll get a bowl. And, you know, people think, oh, actually.

We missed, he's actually all right. So, um, I came into, but something's happened to me. Like I've, like my old back and arm was developed into a crab claw. Oh, yeah. And I'd come into bowl. And honestly, the ball was bouncing like two feet away from my feet. I was just basically throwing the ball into the ground. Oh, do I.

I mean, over and out, from a distance, it must have looked like a tantrum. Just like a man just, just, frown. throwing the cricket. And I thought, what is... And I couldn't... You know, dartitis? Have you ever heard of that? No. It's... When a blood cannot let go of the dart. Oh, yeah. Oh, is that right? Yeah, that's... Dark players get it, obviously.

Oh, Eric must have some of that. Non-dart players tend not to get it. Mm-hmm. If they get it, they don't know. It was so bad that I spoilt the game. It wasn't just bad for me. I felt I spilt it for everybody. I was like a virus in a computer. But there's now been two pictures of you sent playing it. Can I just, it doesn't you look good?

Well, in the second one it looks more like he's doing capoeira than playing cricket. Capoeira, Capoeira. Can I ask, Frank, is this your garb or did you loan it? No, no, I brought my own garb. Got your own wife? That was the terrible thing. He's got the own, oh, he's got all the gear and idea, terrible. When I got back, disgrace, humiliated and depressed, I got, I was sleeping the spare room last night.

And I got it, and I could see the white glow of the cricket gear in the corner that I'd taken off. I had to get out and put it into a cupboard. Because I thought, I can't have that looking at me all right. Well, of course, with your playing in such a low energy, like not very good way, you didn't last long in bat, so there wouldn't even be any perspiration, and it wouldn't have needed a wash after that. No, no. Humiliation, you must remember from your standard. You know, you can make you very hot. Very hot, humiliating. I'm not sure I like your cricket.

in Caribbean compared to my stand-up career. Honestly, it was so terrible, I can't tell you. And I also, I slightly spilt the evening for everyone. By very early on... What did you do? Very early on in the dressing room, I up fronted the whole concept of banter. You did what?

So I said... Someone said something a bit joking. I said, this is banter, isn't it? I was anticipating banter. That's what happens in dressing rooms. And then everybody got self-conscious about banter. Yes, that's what will happen. Yeah.

Oh, my God, why do you do it? Well, I just thought, you know, I've identified banter. And it's like... Don't ruin the social order. Yeah, and I think after everyone got, yeah, the ban to be... Awkward? Banta became an issue.

Everyone got awkward? Yeah, but, you know, they need to know that there's a man in my line of work. Yeah, yeah. My line of work. When the professional cricketers and say, semi-prose, we're watching me try to bowl. That was how I felt when I was listening to their bans.

They need to be fair on me, I think. Can you believe that this has happened to me? I'm the timing. I've just got into Merlin. It's so hot right now as well. It's really long trying to do it. Well, because, you know, because, please, dear listener, Emily and Alan are all, you know, have you seen Homeland, have you seen the wire. Things that are on right now.

But Merlin is on now. It is on now. And I've just got into it, see. is five, I think it is, and I love this. This is going to keep me going to my death. That's what I thought. And I've pulled it this week. But Frank, you're going to have to find something else. I was thinking maybe Bergerac or Cadfair. Oh, this is a brilliant... It's the thinking man's Game of Thrones. Rosemary and time?

Have you seen Merlin? I saw a bit of it once. No. It looked a bit seven-year-old boys in Wisconsin, I told you. I was going to, my next thing was to ask my manager to try and get me a part in it. After his terrible failure, I get me a part in Doctor Who. My manager is here today. I got him to phone up, Dr. Who and say I would play any part.

Did you actually do that? Yeah. Oh my, oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. I'll see what they said, because my manager told me this other day, spoke to the main person. This is mortifying. And she said that she was really glad to hear that that's something I wanted to do.

Full stop. Now, shoulda there needs to be another part to that statement. And thus, we would like to offer, and thus with, no. Something like to do. Goodbye. Frank, he's only told you about 30% of that conversation. I was thinking. I was thinking I could be a brilliant in Merlin. I'm thinking as a plague victim.

But still I miss my window. I had rather a spectacular gift. It was me, I mean, I've got a picture, we should put it on the website, it's me carved on a watermelon. Oh, lovely. My face. Lovely.

You'd be surprised how good it is. I'm going to show you guys now, but we'll put it on the, I love excluding the listeners, if I possibly, with visual things. But anyway, I keep talking about it. And it was, it was so really. It was one of the best likenesses. You know, occasionally get sent drawings of me

from, you know, prisoners. That kind of thing. And anyway, I got this watermelon. And it's one of the best likenesses of me I've seen. But what happened is they don't keep. No. They perish. It went.

If you can imagine that I'd written a, a short story called the watermelon of Dorian Gray in which I kept my portrait in the attic. That's what happened. So pretty soon, there was actually a piece of blue mould on the cheek. And I thought, you know, I've got all that to look forward to. And now have a look at that. Now the roses on that,

they're made out of slices of turnip. No. You wouldn't believe it. That is a turnip for the books. Oh, writing that down. You've no idea how long I've been trying to think of a watermelon pun for. But who thought that you could make a rose out of a turn? And they say you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. They can now, apparently.

Can they? They're going to change that saying, yeah. I know you could make, maybe if Miss Piggy's here, you could make a foam latex. purse. I don't know what you'd do about the zip. I've just done that thing of scrolling through the photos, which are not meant to do. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, you've seen that one. Sorry about that. But, you know... It's like you in the Intercontinental. I was just messing about.

No, they didn't have cameras then. But I had another gift. Some people I've been working with bought me a banjo. Oh, that's nice. Well, the things I've got... You've already got a yuk, though. Haven't you got a couple of these? Well, this is a problem. Got a lot of these things. I've already got three banjos.

And we all? Yeah. And, I mean, last year they played safe with falconry vouchers. Did they? Yeah. Which is my kind of gift. Yeah, you have a day's falconry. Just turn up with your voucher.

I love a voucher. I think every year I say this, they're the best gift. Yeah. And I got, it was a very nice banjo. And I thought, what do I do? Do I take it away and think, oh, well, you know, you can always use an extra banjo. Or do I say, actually, I don't want this? Because people don't like it.

Excuse me. Anyway, I said, look, I've got banjos. In the manner of Simon Cow. Yeah, I said, look, I said, yeah. Look. Well, look, I've got banjos. And I said, I don't want it. And yet it was difficult.

You did not say that. Yeah. Well, just because you've already got them? I don't want it. That's one of the hardships of buying for someone such as yourself. Maybe they're thinking... But I thought, how better for them to know that they've got me something that I want? No, not better.

No. No, there's actually got you something you don't want for them. The terrible thing was I did both performances, because when they bought me the band, I said, oh, brilliant, fantastic. And then after I thought, no, actually, I don't want me. So the next time I saw them, I said, actually, I don't want it. I was lying. So now, they've seen how good a liar I am.

I'll never believe a word you say ever again. Anyway, I've ended up with a voucher for Hobgoblin. No, it's not as good as it sounds. That's a music shop. Oh, is it? Yeah, so I've got a voucher to go. It's also quite a tasty beer. I was thinking it was a terrible gift for you.

Yeah, well. You know, I know I've got the voucher. But I'll tell you what, why do I listen as the worst gifts you've ever received, or when you've actually said to people, I don't want this. A lot of people haven't said that, Frank. I have to tell you. Well, I'm up to set a trend. We've got 161.

Hi Frank, Emily and Alan. Reward's gifts. My brother, when he was 14, received an incense burner in the shape of the Grim Reaper. He was in no way a goch. One of my favourite caveats ever, I have to say. Yeah, I like the protesting there. A way of God.

He was in no way of goth. and it seemed to be of pound shop quality. To this day, we have no idea why he was bought it, but it makes us laugh every time we think about it. So maybe in a way it was the best gift ever received. Lovely Christmas, Martha, in Surrey. My thing this week was I bought for the first time, I'm talking about reason to be cheerful,

because I think that four of the Spice Girls seem to be able to enjoy themselves, and I think Victoria has lost her way. I'm trying to help her out if she's listening. I bought some sliced cheese. Oh yeah. Cheese, but already sliced. What kind of cheese?

We're back to bad Christmas presents. It was a mature cheddar. All right, okay, nice. But it wasn't like one of those plasticy square cheese things. It was like a normal block of cheese, but sliced. I can't tell you how convenient it was. Why not? I started...

Extraordinary anecdote. I started having... It's a secret. I started every sandwich I had. I thought I might have a square of cheese with this. seen as I don't have to slice it. There was no knife washing. You have got previous with your Leardammer lighter life.

Oh no, but this was just like proper cheese. And already sliced. Is it wrapped in cellophon like the processed cheese, or is it just there? No, he keeps saying it's proper cheese. What do you think? It's like a big stack and you just help yourself. No, of course it's wrapped in cellarphone. No, but ridiculous.

Just interested in what the system is. Do you know what? I'm with you, Cockrell. I'm finding this difficult to visualise. It's just, you buy sliced cheese, so you don't have to... So I know you buy sliced cheese, but what was unusual about it? I've never bought it before. I buy a block and then I use a knife.

Isn't that what people do? Yeah, that's how I'm... I'm thinking now, I've got an eye on the grated cheese bag. Oh, once you start on that, you'll never go back. No. That's my saying. But how brilliant. What have I been wasting my time?

Cutting cheese? And it's... You've been wasting your... The times I've... caught cheese and it's been at one end of the strip of cheese. It's too thick. There's too much cheese.

I don't want that much cheese. At the other end, I could read the newspaper through it. Oh. When you grate, Frank, which end do you use? When you grate. Which end? Yes. You know when you're grating?

Yeah. Sometimes you end up with a terrible, like, irrigated surface on the top I find with the cheese. No, I keep an eye on that, because sometimes if you're grating with great gusto, you end up with a slope on the cheese. Yeah. And what I do is I turn it around to level it. to keep it level the cheese. Yeah.

I've noticed my mother-in-law, who I love very much, has gone a habit of leaving the cheese on a bit of a slope. I see. And I feel I have to level it out, even if I don't want cheese, I have to grate it level.

But you do love pickles, so I suppose there's... I love pickles. Any excuse? I don't mean the dog who found the World Cup, I mean, those things that come in jobs. Nor the judge.

I said I had a bit of attention, a bit of tension with the mother-in-law this week. Did you why? I saw the mother-in-law this week. I was celebrating the fact that Basie's saying daddy now on a regular basis. Lovely. And I mean, you can imagine how exciting that is your baby saying daddy. And she said to me, is it, Daddy?

It sounds more like egghead. Oh, whoa! Hold on. It doesn't sound like egghead. And also... That's some sort of slander as well now. Not only is he not saying daddy, he's abusing me. Because I have got a bit of an egghead.

And the first thing he's going to say is an insult. I'm not having it. He definitely says, Daddy. I really, trust me. Anyone listening? Get him, Kath, if you're listening, get him on the phone now, saying Daddy. Back me up. Hi, Frank, Emily and the Cockrell.

My old man has a bounty of tried and tested dad jokes at his disposal throughout my childhood. But perhaps the most well-worn item in his repertoire was when he would put the car in reverse. let out a nostalgic sigh and say, ah, this takes me back. Still as funny, the 356 time as the first, at least to him. I'm hoping it would be all right for me to use that sometimes. Do you know what, as soon as I read that, I thought, I'm having that. It's so brilliant.

I love it. I think it's the best joke I've ever heard. My God. I do. And I love a car based joke. It reminded me of a joke I used to do and I forgot about. When I was in the car I used to

I used to open the glove compartment and then I'd say Where have I put them gloves? I put them gloves? And then close it again I stopped it because no one left. One I used, I saw Jerry Lee Lewis live And a woman got on stage

He's a bit of a filthy queen You know, sometimes people get on stage like fans and try to approach the artist. Oh, yeah. And Jerry... It's how I've met some of my boyfriend. It really is. Fabulous.

And Jerry Lee was playing the piano, so he was focusing. And this woman came on, and she tried... I think she went to kiss him. But when she went close, he sort of... He just saw it at the last minute. He splashed out of that, sort of threw his arm out. He didn't need to hear, but he sort of slapped her away. And the security guards came on and dragged her off.

And Jerry Lee said... sorry he said I thought it was my ex-wife and I've used that if ever any if I'm doing a TV recording anyone like the floor manager anything comes anyone creeps up on me I always say I'm sorry I thought that was my ex-wife I love it

I'll keep them rolling in It's cold Franks, criminal's radio days I don't read days as an stupice as in the same for the weeks old this is a take not a blooper