The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: Superimposed with a Dalek

Episode Date: May 27, 2026

Frank, Emily and Alun are into 2014 in this episode of Radio Days. Frank has an incident with the nativity and shows off his superimposed Dr Who pictures. There's chat about their pathetic boasts and terrible Christmas food. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Great news. The federal EV rebate is back. Eligible customers get up to $5,000 with the federal EVAP rebate on select 2027-volt and 2026 Equinox EV models. Visit your local Chevrolet dealer today for more details. Can I tell you something that happened to me at Christmas, which is a bit dramatic. Come on. Well, here goes. Okay. Okay, just for the record.

I don't want to hear that sound every day. I should say to listeners, you might not know, I've had an enormous lizard tongue grafting onto my own ear tongue. No, can I tell you what it is? He's so excited. In preparation for the flying festations of summer. This is going to be a story about mincephires, and that was your mouth water. Just tell the story. Okay, I was in...

Tetute. I was in Cheltenham. I was in Cheltenham, visiting my girlfriend's mother. Oh, yeah. I was with my girlfriend and family. I wasn't just visiting her on the QT, if that's what you're thinking. Oh, that girlfriend. Yeah.

And I went to the local church. Lovely, old, beautiful church. Well, they've got lovely ones around that part of the world. Haven't they? Yeah. And I took my son in there, and I was with my girlfriend, Kath, and her sister, Rachel, and her new husband, Jack. We were all in there. Lovely.

But there's no one else. The church was deserted. We just went in for a look. and there's a massive nativity scene, as you might expect at that time of the year. Yeah. Big figures. What size are we talking? I'd say they were a good, say a foot high for a...

I'm not about king without crown. Okay. Well, the big chess pieces that you see in the streets sometimes. Massive, really big. I'm going cranky. Quite big, yeah, possibly. And so I was with my... son, who's new listeners,

he's called boss, as in the name, a sound that a B-M-M-A-M-X, B-U-D-Z, and he was, he was, he reached out. Now, I thought there was a glass panel at the front, there wasn't, and he pushed, he pushed one of the shepherds on the shoulder. The shepherd went out, he went over. Oh, no.

Did he fell over? He fell over. Exactly, he fell over, but the thing was that, you know, when you get these things in the play, when someone's killed someone in the street and they say, well, I only just shoved him, but he, you know, he hit his head on the curb. It wasn't my fault. Well, he hit his head on some of the cattle representatives.

And it snapped completely off. His head's head. Oh, he decapitated the shepherd. I mean, in a big, really central, beautifully lit nativity scene in an ornate old church. So I thought, right, what, how do I play this? Yeah. So I thought, I tried the head to see if it would sit, but it had broken at such an angle. When you said you tried the head, had you clambered over into the hay?

I could reach. If I reached forward, I could reach the head. But it wouldn't, the weight had broken, it had broken, so it wouldn't sit. It wouldn't just sit. And I also thought to just sit the head there would be wrong, because some choir boy would be viciously cane for having broken that shepherd, further down the line. Yeah.

And so I had some decisions to make. So you're in the church. Yeah, so... The heads come off. So the heads come off. I couldn't get it back on. So I thought, you know, part of me thought, it's not a Catholic church, does it really matter?

And then I thought, no, come on. So I went to the vicarage. I know what you think, no. Yeah. I knocked on the door, the vicarage. Did you? Yeah. You didn't.

I went to confess, as it were. Ironically enough. Yeah. Anyway. See if you don't do that. No answer. Well, that's what I mean. They don't do that.

Yeah. So, I thought, I didn't know. So by now, it's just me and my brother-in-law. Because the others have forsaken us. The culprit is scarpered, yeah? Yeah, he's got her. He didn't sit that bothered. No.

So I went to a local supermarket and bought supermarket and bought super glue. No. Yeah. As opposed to blue tack. Yeah, as opposed to blue tech. I'd never used super glue before I realised. Strong stuff, in it?

I imagine it. Well, I was hoping so. It's got to hold the head of a mighty shepherd. Oh, I'm always using super glue. Oh, the rogue heel will come off, you see, so women are more used it. I've never used it before. Can you believe that? I'm a prick man.

Pardon? So, I think, yeah, did I tell you that's my news resolution? Oh, God. So, um... Absolutely awful. So, uh, we went back in. By now it felt like a commando operation. The church was still empty.

We went over there lay the head in the straw. And, uh, we, um, I got the glue out, slapped it on. It dribbled a bit, I have to say, which I wasn't. But I was frightened to touch it because you know he's thought it's about super glue about people getting glued to toilet seats I'm not to spend Christmas. How much does you use?

You must have used a fair out of a man. Well, I just slammed the whole tube and I thought... So it ran a bit down the front... Gave you the sort of what I would call Joan Collins's throat. But... And so I left it. So I never... No one knew.

Please tell me you fixed it back in the right place. It wasn't an all back-to-front or a bit of ski-whiff. Oh, no. It was like a little hangman. It was like a terrible experiment. No, no. It wasn't like the mouse's ear. No.

No, no. It looked all right apart from a bit of dribbledge at the thorax. Oh, that's good. So no one will know. Dribulage at the thorax, of course, is my new themed evening that I'm doing. The Thorax pub in this thing. I thought that was Joan Collins' autobiography. Yes.

The good thing is, Frank, you're just answerable to God and yourself now. Yes. If no one else saw it. Well, does it matter? Have I done anything wrong? I've included it back on. Hang on, is this a parable? Is this like a tree falling in the woods?

Oh, that's not a parable, is it? No. Can be if you want it to. Can it? Yeah. It would have been handy if the shepherd had just been wearing a scarf. You could have just tied the head back on. It would have been handy if there'd be more than two shepherds.

Spare shepherds. Because I could have thought I'd take one. I'd just take that whole shepherd away with me. But one shepherd's turned up. But the rest were angels appeared to you And only one of you could be bothered to turn up Robbish So, yeah, I can't work out whether I've done right or wrong

No, I think it sounds all right It's almost like, yeah, it never happened You've ended your broken ways, didn't you? I took my son to church on Sunday morning To mass Did he confess? To a proper church Did he confess that he'd smashed up another church?

What is it with you in these churches? It's like football teams or something. I do what he does do At the end of every hymn, he goes, whey! Which is not normal. Isn't it? No. Oh, right.

No, I mean, you know. That's what the Pope does. Yeah. Oh, God, he's very down to her. That's your honour. You've got an EMC. Yeah. Sustained, I never noticed the sustained, rolled R at the end.

You know rolled R, big, big friendly joint. Mm-hmm. In the corner, There's all stuff to discover. It's like a fine novel. Read it again as fine new stuff in it. Yeah. It's one of those jingles. It's the jingle that keeps on giving. Carry on, Alan. Dear Frank Emily and Alan, further to recent missives from readers, reuse of the arm in queue when dressing young children, indeed.

Yes, we should set this up. When you dress a young child, you have to tell them to put their arms in the sleeves. They just look at you. You've got... Someone suggested that they used Armine Miva's the German cannibal, which we thought was wholly... As their catchphrase. Understandable.

To be encouraged. And then someone else used another army in... I can't remember who that one. I don't remember that one. Idiarmine. Yes. Very good. Yes, it was.

That's the only time anyone's ever said, Idi Amin, very good. Very good man. The email continues. Is that bold with him? if they were bowling with you. He knows he's a very good tempin bowler.

Was he on me? He applied for a visa to move to America on the strength of becoming a professional tempin bowler. Are you making this up? No, I swear that's true. I never know.

No, it's true. I was one of the stories about when my mom was a cleaner at Ian Fleming's house. This is when you're improvisations. No, believe me. When I was Mayor of Watford. Believe me. He made two applications

for an American visa. One for that, for his profession. and bowling and the other one to go to Disneyland. Who didn't? Well, check it. Yeah. Check it out. Dead.

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. We've done the honours. Dead. We've done them now. Is it our main dead? Is that today's texting? You know I like to set up a texting at some point during the show? Is it the armean dead?

Yes, he is? Yes. Okay. You look like you're really puzzling. Is he dead? If you're the expert on him, you know about him being into 10-pin bowling. Why would I tell you about him? I know about it.

I'm talking about Idi Amin the golden years. I haven't followed him into the twilight. Shall I read this? Yes. Or are we going to do a whole Idi Armin link? No, no. I opted for Armin Shimmerman. The email of him.

Sure I went to school with him. Armin Shimmerman. An American character actor, famous. Really? I'd question that. famous for roles in Start Trek. That's a typo, start trek, which I think is funny. It sounds like the

beginning of a long walk. But remember even the longest walk begins with a single... Again, I couldn't be bothered. Dot, dot, dot, dot. Now, only to suggest the long sentence being completed, but also the walk, do you see? He's famous for Start Trek

Deep Space Nine and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is now involved into a little song. He doesn't say what, it's sung to the tune of. I bet it's to the tune of Nat King Carl's unforgettable. Armine Shimmerman, that's what you are. I'm not sure it is.

Armine Shimmerman from Buffy, the vampire slayer. Okay, carry on it. It says, Armin Shimmerman, Armine Shimmer, Shimmerman, Armine Shimmer, Shimmer, Shimmer, man. That is all. That's how the email finishes.

I wonder who will never know the tune to that again. Anything that gets their arms, I mean, I would like to know. Oh, it's Chris. Speaking of dressing children, how old do you get before you absolutely trust the fact that your head is going to emerge through the neck of a T-shirt

and don't have the panic that it hasn't come out of you? We've taken all my radio shows and done a bit of editing and tightening. It's a walk-down memory lane and I know because people find me. things quite frankly I think I need to credit that last email it was from Chris who I suspect

is Armand Shimmerman's agent in show business It's a puff piece This whole thing Armine Shimmerman has in Armine Shimmerman I'm imagining it to the tune of bitter There's a song called I Eat Cannibals

In the 80s by a band called Toto Coetnavo That'd be a bit of a coincidence This is for Armin And I Eat Cannibals Yeah We've gone through the Miva's ceiling. We have. Okay, this is from Paul.

Dear FEC. Re-people complaining that Frank talks too much about Doctor Who. Yes, I did say we wouldn't mention Doctor Who again on the show because people had complained that we thought about it too much. It was the anniversary year. It was. No, it isn't. It's even harder to justify.

But carry on. Well, there's been a lot going on. Well, you say a lot. Not as much as you might think. I went to a screening, can I tell you? You're going to do it? He can't stop himself. No, but listen, I went to a screening of the Christmas special

a couple of weeks before it went out at the BFI. And I said to Kath, you know, do you mind if I go? Because then we won't have to watch it at Christmas, so you've got that as a bonus. And she said, oh, okay, then. And then she said to me the next day, I had a look at the BFI website. There was no screening.

And I thought, this is the whole affair accusation. Isn't there's no getting randy? Well, you're caught, and now you're telling us the story live on air. No, what it was, because it was a bit of a secret screening, because it was mainly for MPs, and I was on the... I respect her for checking, though. I would have done exactly the same. Really?

Yes, 100% well done, cast, good work. Luckily, I arrived with evidence, which you won't be able to say. on here, but luckily I had that with me. One of the most depressing photographs I've ever seen. It's a picture of Frank, sorry, with him, he's been superimposed next to Matt Smith and the pretty lady. Yes. Jenna Coleman.

Yes, you see, that was, in the after, in the after show, you could have your picture superimposed on, so, of course I did it. Do you think, actually, had my picture top with a darling? Do you want to see that as well? No. Do you think actually, Kathy was. hoping you were having an affair rather than spending your time doing this. I think an affair would have been a wash-up compared to this level of doorkiness.

Oh, shut your face. The man who does judo. I think you'll find it's karate. Well, whatever it is, you're supposed to get out of your system when you're 11. True. Some might say the same of Doctor Who I realised. I realise that. Also, Frank.

Sorry, anyway. I would consider you something of a celebrity. Thank you so much. You are? Something of a celebrity. And it saddens me, frankly, that you're posing next to superimposed images of other performers. I don't like you doing that.

You never lose a child inside yourself. That's what I'm saying. By the way, speaking of, we're just watching the London news last night on BBC. There was a feature on Peter the Wild. There's an exhibition with Kensington Ballets. Can we go? Good day out.

Peter the Wild, to cut the story short, found in the forest, living feral, taken by George I first, as a pet, and forced to wear a leather collar. We've made him popular again.

Yes. Famous around the town for staring at bonfires and singing songs with no tune, I think, was... And eating raw onions, like an apple.

Eating raw onions. And yeah, exhibition. That's a works outing, isn't it? Yeah. Can you organise that days? I'm in. Thanks.

Okay. Meanwhile... Meanwhile, back at the email. Let's get back to Paul. I think you're going to get on with him, Frank. I love to hear Frank's who chatter. See? And it is a major reason that I listen to your show.

I'm an expat living in France. Hold on. One second. Okay. I consequently realize that I don't have a great deal in common with several of my close friends. Other than the fact that we share a mother tongue. Close friends, those are the days.

Whereas they are lawyers and geologists and they understand sport and property prices, I make my living right in computer games and I understand the difference between phases and lasers. Excellent. My girlfriend is normal. Oh, well, we kind of everything. And pretty, and likes the type of programs

that normal pretty people watch. She sounds great. What are they? Exactly. Desperate housewives or little house on the prairie? A house on the prairie? Still on it, just made it in France. He said she's still, completely sighted the girl. They might have said she's pretty and normal.

He doesn't say she's 87. She will not watch Doctor Who with me. Even when, I like this woman. I know that feeling. Even when dubbed into her native French, oh, can you imagine Doctor Who in French, I'd kill myself. Exterminator. Hang on, she's normal.

Exterminator. The doctor. In hearing Frank's boundless Doctor Who-based enthusiasm. The TARDee. You don't want the TARDee. What is that the people that are late to the party? Tardy, the time machine is always a little bit late. I feel I have at last found a kindred soul.

Thank you. Oh, get a room. Yeah, I love it. That's lovely. I am going to stop something about Doctor Who on the show, because I know it does enough some people. But just one point. Is that going to be the New Year's Resolution?

And my news resolution is to just carry on as normal generally in my life. Right. I haven't thought of one, to be honest. Can I want to add the minimising the who on the show? I don't know if it needs a resolution to see. Sorry, are we still talking about Dr. Haley? Let me just make this point. Oh, I'm Michael Portillo.

Let me just make this absolutely clear. As I think I said at the Brighton Conference, I did a I think we spoke at this on air I did a thing in Edinburgh with Stephen Moffey who's the showrunner and the main writer on Doctor Who

And Nucky Bear hair Yeah it was me and him And Fred McCauley The comedian on stage And it was basically me paying Hamash to the Moff But at one point

Got a bit tense One of the Someone asked who they thought would make a good companion, a new companion. Now, I won't bore you with this, but there's a character in the show. I'm going to.

No, I'm not going to. It's called Dorian Moldova, and he had his head severed. He had his head chopped off. God, do you wonder why I don't enjoy this? No, that's it, by the headless monks, and then they put his head in a box, but he can still speak, even though he's just a head.

Of course he can, it's Doctor Who? Reminiscence. Do you remember the old joke about the kid that was born and was just a head? And then 10 years later, the mother shouts upstairs. Eddie's first joke. It's a double head. No, it's not a double head, it's a single head.

And she, and he shouts down, yes, mother, and she says, I've got your birthday present. And he says, oh, another hat. Anyway, Dorian Moldova's in a box. And I said I thought he'd be a brilliant companion because he's quite witty and stuff, even though he's just a head. And Stephen Moffitt said,

oh, I think having a couple, companion who's a severed head would have certain restrictions, and he got a laugh. So, Christmas special, who is Matt Smith's companion? No. The severed head of a cyber man. No. Now, it could be a coincidence, but... Can I just say it? I watch that Doctor Who.

Partly out of respect for you. Thank you. I thought you're my colleague. I watched The Devil Wears Prada for the same. Similar reasons. I thought you're my colleague. I'm going to take an interest in your interest. And you know what? Catherine Jenkins wasn't even any of it. I watched it with my mother

Okay She sat there We watched it in total silence And after 20 minutes She went That's because silence It'd fallen She said

Grown men Sit and watch this Yes I must say I've asked that About a few things I've watched over the year Then she said

What do they do these people Do they just wander around Don't they have social lives I like that was My mum's issue Was that they didn't have Proper social life I thought a lot of her old friends

Were in Doctor Who Well, they were, but maybe that's the problem. I don't know. And then she said the best thing, which was, I think they like it to look cheap, these people, don't they? I like these people. I wouldn't say it looked cheap nowadays, I must say. Well, you know, we're all different,

but I think that, is it possible that I added that? I inspired Stephen Martin. I think so, yeah. Because why didn't he say it, well, funnily enough? No. I wonder if you wrote it in. And if he listens to this next year, the Christmas special might have a head,

shepherd in there with the super glue dripping down. I'll tell you something, there's been a real decapitation thing. It'd be a nice part for Joan Collins as well. What the seven? That had the shepherd part with the glue dripping down. Yeah, that's true. Do her make up? Call her.

She'll be near to the phone. I think people who think that they're constantly being, their ideas are being ripped off, are often troubled. Do you? Baw. I've been mentioned the severed head, which I'm happy with. I'm happy to help.

I was looking at children's books the other day. One of Boz's godparents bought him a book token, so I was looking at books. And I came across a book called Traction Man. Oh, yeah. Do you know it? Children's book, and it's a bit of a spoof on Action Man. Yeah.

You might not know this, but about 2002. I was a guest on Room 101. This was when Nick Hancock used to present him. I am the third doctor. Yeah. You can't help yourself, can you? No, I can't. And anyway, I tried to put in action man,

not that I didn't think he was a fine toy, but because my mom, we couldn't really afford the outfit, so my mom used to make them, and she used to knit him in a blue cardigan. So sad. With like human being sized, buttons on it so it looked I mean ludicrous

anyway in Traction Man which is written by a woman called Minnie something I know her name? Minnie Grey Minnie Gray she's called

Not that you've been deep googling or anything One of the things about Traction Man in any is that the kids' auntie knits a knitted thing for him with enormous buttons

I mean, you know, I could cover the co-insolence, but I'm going to come on. Okay. What else? How much time did you have? That's it. That's what he spent his whole Christmas doing, mini plus grey. What I'm saying is mini grey out of your sleep. Your episode of Room 101 was funny, though, that.

Thank you. Meat with pipes, I remember you talking about that. Meat with tubes. Chubes, yeah. Funny. But there was a meat pipe thing, wasn't there? There was an instrument that was made. I think what I said was a beef harmonica, which sounds rude, but it wasn't.

I'm going to call this section of the show performances of yours in the past I'd liked. How about the Brits? Now, that was a bit below the leather collar. Well, I think we could move on by me somewhat blowing my own trumpet. Well, that'll be worth seem. I see that back trouble is recovered. I'll just get my embrasure ready. Was it Michael Flatley, or was it a look-like?

Anyway, carry on. You often say that I don't talk myself up enough. That's true. No. But I've noticed that I do talk myself up about things that are a little bit insignificant. I caught myself... The sitcom thing. Yeah, yeah, the sitcom I'm doing it.

Oh, Hank. And, well, put it this way. The other day, I caught myself bursting that I was a... the best in the family at making eggs. Making eggs? Cooking eggs, cooking eggs. Even as a cockerel, that would be different. No, cooking eggs.

Okay, really? Sorry, I think you mean cooking? Coocing, yeah. In the family, you mean extended family? No, I was mainly going immediate family. In the barnyard, yeah. But, yeah, I think I'd probably... So better than Mrs. Cockrell is what you're saying.

Yeah. Essentially. My son said that she's the best cook in the world, and I said, no eggs. I think you'll find that's me in this house. Then thought, this is a bit lame. But she's since then been pointing out that I boast about things that aren't worthy of it. And one of them is I set the dog treats. When we go out, we put the dog in the cage and we give it a con.

Do you know what a con is? It's a little rubber cone. You're not doing that devil dog training, are you? What's devil dog training? You don't feed them for three days in case you're getting inside. Oh, no. No, we don't do that. I've seen them pulling and things in this show.

I mean, you say it's a whipp. It's probably a Labrador. It's just been kept this starvation level. It's a killing machine that, Don. No, it's a very... So expensive to feed, Frank. It's a very amenable... I was talking to Kim Jong-un, none of the other day.

About it. Anyway... Yeah, my uncle's not coming around, that's for sure. Anyway... Is it a nice bloke King John? I think his bark is worse than it. Anyway... I don't think he's that bad.

It's a little rubber cone and into it you put dog treats and then the dog has to sort of get them out. So it stimulates the dog. It's called the Kong. Kong, yeah. And when it comes to set in the con, I feel like I am king of the con in the house. Are you, I mean, why don't you just say, King Kong?

King Kong. I'm King of the Kong. Oh, he won't have an offer. Why don't you just go King Kong? I'm King Kong, fine, I'm King Kong. When you say set it, it sounds like a trap of some kind. Here's what I do. First of all, I'll put in a chewy dog treat right down into the very end, and then I'll smear like a salmon or a chicken paste,

often out of date, but the dog doesn't seem to mind. No, I don't care. Not at all. And then I'll put in other chewy, about the size of a midget gem, and I'll sort of stick them on the inside of the salmon paste in the con. Are you meant to do that? Yeah. This is like the old fashion. And I smear loads more of it.

Cook a spatch cock inside a turk. Yeah. Inside a kestrel. Then once there's loads of paste, I'll stick a couple on the axe. outside as well. So in the dog's mind, I think it's thinking, ooh, chewy midget gem treats. Oh, now paste treats. The midget gems must have stopped. Oh, now there's more treats. And then paste again. And then more chewy. It's like a Heston Blumenthal meal. I prefer to think of myself as like a crossword setter. I feel a bit like, that's a type of dog, by the way. Crossword. No, it's not. But now I've realized that I'm not King of the Kong after all. King Kong. I'm not King Kong. Because I was saying at Christmas, oh yeah, I set amazing dog treats.

I often think, lucky the dog, is thinking, oh, this is going to keep me going for hours. And then my sister-in-law said that her brother puts his in the freezer for the dog, so it's even harder, and it's good for hot days in the garden. Hot dogs. Hot dogs apparently enjoy the frozen. Any more con tips? Or boasts that aren't worthy of it.

Let's hear them. I've got a boast. I don't like this creaking. Oh, I can't bear it. But it's the big white. I can see the big white. It's just a cloud, Captain. A little incident there.

Paddy Keelties on the show this way. Incident there from Moby Dick. Is that your boast, that you're very good at impersonating Captain Ahab? I'll see what my boast is. I've done quite a lot of dock feeding, just like... Oh, you're good at it? And, well, I tell you there's a problem in London Ponds. I don't know if this is true across the country.

The seagulls... They abandon the sea, and they come inland looking for a few. And the seagulls, they'll take bread out the air. Yeah. That's the kind of characters they are. Do you go seagull or pigeon and always rather a seagull, though? Well, see, I don't. I think the seagulls, you know, get back to your own place.

That's what I think. Yeah. You're not called pond gulls, are you? Daily mail. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we were here first. I mean, the can of de goose is an immigrant I'm happy with in the dot world. But so I think, well, no.

I don't want to give it to the seagulls because they dominate. I want to give it to that little mooring grieb koot over there. I call it the mooring grieb coot because I've heard these creatures called all three names so far. I've only been living in this place three weeks. So it's either a moor henagrebe or a coot. It's a blackbird with a white face. Oh. Moreen grieb kut, I call it.

And I like, I can land, if you can imagine it had a place mat in front of it, I can land it on the place mat nine times out of ten. So as quick as the seagulls are, the mooring grid cooters swallowed it before they can get there. And I'm very happy with that. So you're genuinely think you're good at feeding birds. It's about accuracy. Not when I went out with him. We didn't never go out.

Can I just say, in a platonic context. We didn't ever go. Don't make me out. I had to have another Doctor Who picture taken to prove that, didn't happen. So, take the normal radio show Wasn't done a bit of editing and tightly It feels like a backward step I know But people finding things quite frightening

So while I was with the perfect family What were you doing? Well, it was a big turnaround for me Because I've always been very, very strict On doing old langsine Often I have to foist it on people They don't want to do it And I said, come we have to do it

I've always felt if I don't do old langsine something very terrible happened in the following year, which might yet prove to be true because I didn't do it this year, partly because I thought, you know, okay, if you want independence, I won't be singing your songs anymore. No. So I think I was the only person in North London who sang Vera Lins, there'll always be in England.

Oh. Now, I went to bed at 11, and it's good, isn't it? I think you know it, Vera Lins. The Empire 2, we can depend on you. Maybe not. But it was odd. It was very odd because it's become a sort of almost like an obsessive-compulsive thing with me that I have to do old Langs-Ein.

And I just fought it this year. Did you? And I didn't do it. And I went to bed at 11 and I could hear fireworks outside and people enjoying themselves and I lay in a dark room alone. And that has brought me. to my New Year's resolution for 2014, to be more solitary and distant from other people. Oh, they're in dark room alone.

Yes. I did, I might explain why. But yeah, so that was that. And then also, our meal, I said. Oh, for New Year's, this is. Yeah, so there was, me and Kath and Boz obviously, he went to bed about eight. Yeah, it's a night for him. It's a rock and rock and roll.

don't care. We always did with my parents. Yeah, they don't care about the bell. So he went off to bed. So there's me and Kath and Kat's mom and then Kat's sister and her husband came around. And

I said, we'll do a lovely meal. So we had a meal. They chose. I was out and about. And the meal was rice, chips and bread and butter. Oh, look at the face on Emily Dean. At the list of carbohydrates. It was a

3C meal. At all exactly the same colour. No. It was one of the worst meals I've ever had in my life. It sounds start. It sounds like a Hieronymus Bosch painting to me. That's how much of a nightmare it is. Why would they pick that? It was, it's sort of, it was a mistake. It's got a firmly anti-meat and vegetables stance. I think it's got confused. Well, I think there was a bit of chicken in the rice. but it was lost in the carbohydrate. It's a bit of a felsie supper that one. You know what?

You're a felsie supper? I don't think it was the worst meal I had over the holiday period. No, was it not? I actually went worse. I had a terrible food-based Christmas period. Yeah, I think my worst meal of the Christmas period was I went for kippers. Now, I like a kipper. I can you have a singular kipper

I always think of them in pairs But anyway My girlfriend's mom Bought the kippers And they seem to be The sort of hardcore Kippers That you imagine

A Russian peasant might Like no kippers More bones than any And strong Oh they're pen and ink as well They were so They didn't have any Cooking instructions on there

Or anything They were like She bought black market Kippers Really Nothing. There was no labelling. They were just in a clear plastic bag. Nothing. They had the eyes in them. I mean, for God's sake. I love the yellow tinge, though. So I started, look, keep my girlfriend's mother out of this.

So I started, I tried with the kipper. Oh. But it was horrible. So strong. So I thought at least I've got the joy of oven chips. I got a plate full of oven chips. I've got a plate full of oven chips. They're going to pull me through. And the oven chips had soaked up every fiber of kipper juice. Oh, wow. There weren't chips anymore.

They were kips. They taste every one tasted like this super strong kipper. And I can still taste it a bit now. Did you have kippers? Was this for supper then? This was for... Supper? I don't know what is supper.

Supper is what you call an evening meal. And even me and I... No one has Kippers for supper. This one, you wouldn't want to start... You don't want to start the day with these babies, I'll tell you. That's a day gone. Ruined. Oh, man, that was...

I went round to Franks. It was brilliant, and I went round there about half-12 or something. And then he offered me Christmas cake, which I love Christmas cake. I was very excited. And I had a couple of chocolates as well. But that suits me, you see. You see, we have a habit, a very bad habit, of inviting people around.

It's about midday, half 12. And then I say, if you're going to invite, they'll expect lunch and Katz says, no, they won't. And I said, I think they will at that time. And I say, I end up saying, this is what I do, this is awful. I say, look, well, I'm going to have lunch at about 11.30. Because I can't go that long without eating. We had people, I mean, this was terrible.

We had a group of friends. I like to think I'm family so the same rules don't apply. No, but this, honestly, this is one of the few times, I felt real domestic guilt about this because we had four couples and their children come round. At what time?

They arrived at about between half 12 and 1 o'clock. I mean that's your classic lunch. Yeah, they arrived. Producers got a head in their hands. We gave them nothing. No, you are. What's why were they there till?

Tea they got. Well, at about 230... They expired from my... hunger. 2.30. Now, this is a true story, and it's awful. At 2.30, we went to feed the docks.

You can see the novelty of feeding the docks. Oh, I don't like the sound of this. And I noticed that not only some of the children, but some of the adults, were eating the bread. No. They were eating the dock's bread. They were so hungry. I felt terrible. Really terrible.

Why didn't you serve them food? The dogs were up at the railings, appalled. Well, we're just, we're so rubbish. No, but I quite like it. I like it. No, that was, I mean, you don't want to guess eating bread for the docks. No, but I liked it because I had Christmas cake and four chocolates. It was like what a drunk would have for lunch.

And I was very happy with that. Any excuse to avoid a full meal, I'd love. Well, in the end, I went to Marcus Spenters and got some cooked chicken. I got three cooked chickens. What time was that, five o'clock? That would be about, no, about three. by which they were on their knees, children were crying.