The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Swimming Challenge

Episode Date: January 28, 2026

We've made it to 2012 with Frank, Emily and Alun for our radio best bits. This time there's haircut disasters, restaurant dramas and Frank has done his Sport Relief swimming challenge! Oh and is Frank worth meeting? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. On game day, pain can hit hard and fast, like the headache you get when your favorite team and your fantasy team both lose. When pain comes to play, call an audible with Advil plus acetaminopin and get long-lasting dual-action pain relief for up to eight hours. Tackle your tough pain two ways with Advil plus acetaminopin. Advil, the official pain relief partner of the NFL. Ask your pharmacist at this product's rate for you. Always read and follow the label. Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days.

We're in 2012. Oh man, I can't remember the Olympic theme. And this time we're talking about my sport relief swimming challenge. Enjoy. I swam a length this week for the first time in my life of the swimming pool. Not to the outsider particularly impressive achievement, but to... No, I won't have that. But to the frightened middle-aged man.

A mountain has been climbed. Even Sandy Waugh is applauding in the other room. It's a soundproof booth, but I know the visual for applause. I won't have you minimizing your achievement, because we're all very proud of you this morning, aren't we? I'll tell you what's like... No one answered. No one answered in this room.

I'll tell you what slightly impaired it for me. When I did it, I got very excited. When my hand actually touched the wall at the end of the swimming pool, I was very exciting. And I turned to the crowd who had been incredibly supportive. And I was in the crowd, just FYI. And I'm afraid I clenched my fist and said, come on. Yeah.

It was true of peers. I was thinking Andy Murray. Worst still, I was thinking something I was in Andy Murray's mom. And I thought, is that what happens? You learn to swear when you become Andy Murray's mom. Yeah, that would be. I don't want people saying, every time I'm on telly, saying, is he divorced? I don't want that.

Where's the dad? I don't want that going on. And then you splash the water with your fist, which I liked. I went crazy. I mean, some of the things looking back on now, I mean, that morning, I took such a time over my shave because I thought it would make me a little bit more aqua-dynamic in the water. And I had a lot of pasta the night before, I thought, build up the carbs. Like, I was going to do a marathon.

Excellent. 25 metres, we're talking. No, can I say there was an element of jeopardy being poolside? I didn't go for flip-flops. I went for chunky heels. I'm not changing my show for anyone I thought that was sensible there isn't a Varuka in Britain

that would have gone through those heels How have the Baruchas dealt with your swimming? I haven't mentioned the Varukas Have they gone? No, I've just... You never told them about it? I didn't tell them, I thought they'll find out soon enough.

Even though when you first started doing it we talked about them every week on the radio. I think all the sport relief buddy of rays will be spent on the Varucah pandemic I've left behind me. Clean in the pool. No, but Frank, I would say it was 25 metres, about 20 metres in. There was a will, he, won't he, moment.

I have to say, I thought, oh, the lad's tiring. And it was a moment of genuine jeopardy. No, I took in a bit of water. I could feel it. I thought, I'll blow it out next blow. Really? It didn't really come out. It's at the back of my throat.

And if I was just in the normal training sessions, I say training, in my lessons, that would have been my panic and stop. Yeah, well, I saw the, I saw on YouTube, I was travelling at the time. Oh dear. And I saw it, and that, the guy from Liverpool, the teacher, he took quite a stern tone with you on the, on the, like, bit of footage. And he was going, just don't worry about it. I know. I loved that.

That's the whole point. He is worried about it. That's what we all need. At the end of the day, any problem you've got in life ultimately need someone to say, just pull yourself together. I've spent years exploring all manner of therapy and that's the conclusion I've arrived at. Yes, at the end of the swim when I was still elated, I went over there, I did that thing,

that's slightly embarrassing, went a bit tennis player. Who was the guy who climbed up to the friends and relatives? No. No, he never won, did he? Yes, he did. Can you text in listeners to support me? No, no, Sandy War is nodding. Thank you, Sandy War is like a computer.

She knows the answer to everything. I thought it was the Croatian. YouTube and I watched it. Cash. Okay, well, anyway, that thing. Or when Alex Horican Higgins called his wife and child down to have, and cried with the child, I did that, I went over to kiss my girlfriend, and she was not at all. Very stand-off.

And I said, that was nice of you, after in the car, I said, it was nice of you not to kiss me in front of your. She said, I just had this idea that you'd just been swimming and be like child you're in on your lips. It's a good point, I thought. I thought, well, that's fair enough. You can't really argue with her. Pat Cash won in 1987 and climbed up to his dad, Jess, Banbury. Thanks, Jez. Thanks, Jess.

Good to know that. On the plus side, we've confirmed I'm right. On the minus, we now all know I was around and active in 1987, which is rather depressing. Well, you might have seen it on YouTube. Someone else has texted saying 778 has texted Gore and Even Isovich. So I think there's a bit of debate about it. No, he did it as well. Yeah.

He did what? He wants to leave Pat Cash's dad alone. If I was Pat Cash's dad, I'd stop going. That's sexual harassment at work, isn't it? Can I get to the ladies' final this year, Pat? No! You have to get to the men's again. Oh, it was it this year?

And Adrian Charles came to watch. And Adrian Charles, I love, but he was one of the most competitive people I've ever met in my life. And I went back, still dripping into my dressing room, proud. And he was talking to my swimming teacher, talking about swimming the channel. I thought, you just met me look bad, why don't you? One thing that I don't do on this show, which many DJs do lots of,

is read out complimentary texts. But, you know, people say, by the way, I love the show. Much to my chagrein. Well, but people have sent a lot of very, very lovely texts about my sport relief swim and I thank you very much but I'm not going to read any yet but thank you I appreciate it to them

I've got a text from you that made me weep slightly because I texted you good luck and I'll be egging you on from afar or away egging me on I sounded a bit like an attack on a politician excuse me I was in Glasgow and then you texted me back saying

thanks I did it and I got a bit teary in the street in Glasgow Oh, the cockerel. I think it's how concise it is. I did it. It's like, you did it. Nobody else did it for you. You did it. Well, I didn't mean it to be an ego trip. I was, I know that.

I was just trying to say my thumb muscles. You did it. I just got really excited. Oh, that's lovely. I was horrendously hung over, and it's easier for me to cry in those circumstances. Why don't have to take the edge of it? Why don't I just leave it? Why don't always have to get a coda? I am sorry.

But yeah And someone's texted in Can Frank now jump into deep water? Look Liam He swam a length Don't start giving him extra challenges I thought that was just an insult I can jump

Yeah I can jump into I can jump in But not into actual The deep deep stuff at the moment But jumping in is quite a big It's amazing It's really quite like jumping in I've never jumped in before in my life

Oh how exciting So in Alan Cochran news I can do a mushroom float What's a mushroom float? What's a mushroom float? Well, you might ask. It sounds like brunch. Exactly. It's in Coca-Cola.

Oh, no. How bad would that be? In Alan Cochran news, I think we probably need to talk about my head, don't we? Well, I wasn't going to mention it. Oh, I have. Alan has arrived looking like one of the worst quarter of the England supporters club this morning. He's got Fred Perry shirt and a hair coat. He looks a bit like someone of whom neighbours would say he always kept himself to himself. It is, though.

It's an extreme hair call. I've not done the show for a couple of weeks, but here's what happened last week. As you know, I've been trimming my hair with hair clippers at about an inch long all over since Christmas when I got some clippers. Last week I thought, oh, I'll just give the hair a quick trim. Shaved from my forehead to my crown

on the closest setting it could possibly go because I hadn't checked the settings. And then I looked and just, it was like a lawnmower had gone right through to... Oh, from front to back. And I thought, I'm going to have to take the whole lot off. Why did you do that? You could have had a reverse mohawk.

You could have grown it long with that in the middle. I don't think that would fit with my showbiz's career. Then if you met someone with a mohawk, you could lock. You know, when you see stags fighting, you could lock together. Like Velcro. Yeah, like Lego. Well, it's funny you should say I'm like Lego, because I actually have, on the very top of my head,

like a little, almost like a mole or dimple, pimple thing that sticks out. We can all have a little touch of it after that show. No, I'm good, thanks. I don't know if you can see it, but we'll, I'll stick my head in front of the webcam later. Do you know what, Cockrell, I wish you'd let me know. Things do emerge when you dabble with hair.

Things do emerge. Well, I got, you must have told you at the time I got my head accidentally shaved. No. I don't. I went to a hairdresser. I must say it's the closest I've ever been in my life to being in a joke in an actual old-fashioned joke. I walked into a barb. A man walked into a barber.

And the bloke said to me, how do you want it caught? And I said, well, I'll have it like yours. Yours looks all right to me. So I just, you know, he hadn't got a book with the pictures in. I needed some sort of reference. And he said, it was about my length now, I guess. And he said, well, I have number three all over. And I said, well, I don't know, and whatever it is.

So he did it, and it was incredibly short. Wow. And I said, but yours is much longer than this. He said, oh, mine's grown out a bit. And it really was like being in a joke. But the great dismay of that is that when I actually got it done, and I had this thing, that I didn't have any head scars at all. Oh.

And if you've got it shaved out of no head scars, it means you've had basically, a fairly sheltered childhood I always think. Very gentle life. You haven't fallen out of a tree or, you know, no one's ever hit you with a brick. And all those years of being that kid who just read comic books and played

with Thai cowboys, all came back to haunt me. And did you find that you were perceived differently for a little while with your hair shaved? A couple of people said to me, actually said, oh, you haven't got any head scars. I could tell I dropped in their estimation. We'll come back to this. I'd love to hear, by the way, any haircut anecdotes

from our listeners, because, I love hair cut anecdotes Yeah, what a band they were France goes radio days We've had a few in This is 623 My dad took my sister to the hairdresser When she was young

And had her head shaved Because she used to complain about her hair being brushed What? When was this out Men logic problem solved Tune next week to 1860 Tune in next week to Extreme Parenting And then he marched her through the streets of Paris

Wow. She won't moan about that again, will she? He must be Catholic, hadn't we? There's quite... I'd love to meet that dad. There's quite a few... Quite a few texts coming in the end with, and it was so bad, we both had to cut it all off. That sort of seems to be the natural conclusion.

A friend told me lemon juice had the same effect as sun in, so we covered our hair in lemon juice and awaited lovely-looking hair. We were in Australia, and the baking sun made it set as hard as a crash helmet. Our hair was completely matted and no amount of washing it helped, so we both had to have it all cut off. I think we should do the last bit all together. We all had to have it cut out.

Any others? Well, that's not the only subject they've been getting in contact about. I say they, like they're an amorphous mass. We're supposed to speak to them direct. Hello. Hello, have you got any jam? All right. So that's one of the first rules of radio.

You never say they about the listeners. No, say you. Oh. I know. Well, we've read those rules, don't we? But if you listen to the people who presumably adieu closely to the first, you know, rules of radio, they're all rubbish. So I don't think we should worry about it too much.

Frank, we've actually had some emails in. Do you remember last week we were talking about, or devising a sitcom, based on the premise of you living next door to the Archbishop of Canada? I mean, I do live next off the Ispichita It just cropped up If that was a sitcom, what would it be called? And we had some very fine suggestions. They're not done yet.

We've had some more. We've had Martin Williams 1-3-1. Martin Williams. Well, this is rather extraordinary. He says, Frank and Emily, maybe you can involve your new baby in the sitcom. And if it's a boy, the show could be called Two and a Half Amen. It's a good title.

There's someone who's taken the Anne Diamond and Nick Owen route to thinking they must be married. Yes, I am having a child, but Emily wasn't involved in any... Well, you say that. I think you held my trousers. Oh, my God. That's a good one. It's a good one, Martin.

Actually, if Martin was in it instead of me, living next door to the Archbishop, it could be called Rowan and Martin's laughing. Oh, that's good. I like that. I thought you're going for a Williams thing. Google it. Oh, yeah, they both call Williams as well. Another suggestion from Michael from rugby.

I want a dated boy from rugby. Might I suggest everybody needs God neighbours? Very fine. There's already, theme tunes already sorted. Yeah. I was think of using, because when I did the Ron with John Bishop, as I mentioned, they gave me a load of clothing that said Bishop's Week of Hell. I wondered if we could call it that, then I'd,

produce that as end-of-series gifts. This episode is supported by TV licensing. Your TV licence means you can watch a whole range of live TV channels, including BBC, ITV and Channel 4. Plus, you can catch up on any shows you've missed on IPlayer. As we're being supported by TV licensing, I think we should talk about what TV we've been watching. Yes.

I'll tell you what I've been watching, David Bedeal's Catman. I know you're familiar with this, Frank. We should say it's a three-part documentary about cats because David thinks there are too many dog-based formats around, none taken. And it's actually a really lovely show. He goes to visit, I've just seen the first episode. He goes to meet various high-profile cats and their owners, Jonathan Ross, Ricky Jervais, and the legendary Frank Skinner popped up.

Yes, I don't have a cat, can I say? And I was offended that he suggested that he and I co-owned a cat, which I would never own a cat. Well, what I loved is you started it in a very off-brown way, and I loved this show because Frank said, look, I don't love cats. Oh my God, this show's called Cat-Man, Frank. When I arrived on set, I said to the entire crew, I bet you will be putting this one on your CVs, which was that started the day well. Then Frank said my other favourite bit of the whole show, and I know I'm biased, but was Frank saying, look, addressing the audience,

I don't want you to think David's desperate doing this. Well, I don't want him to think that. But anyway, even though I'm a dog obsessive, I did really enjoy it. And I would really recommend it. I loved it, just because David's genuine, it isn't it a genuine obsession that shines through, doesn't it? No, it's a genuine obsession.

I'm going to give you my honest opinion. I'd like it better. if there was no cats in it. I've been watching Gladiators, which I love. Yeah, you love that, don't you? I love with Bradley and Barney. I like the fact that Barney's on it. And this is Bradley's son, we should say.

Yeah, so he gets some of the old, you know, oh yeah, well, we know how he got the job. But it reminds me when I used to live in Smethy. And in order to get a job on the bins, you needed an uncle who worked on the bins. And because it's in showbiz, people think it's bad. It's good enough for the bins. I just love all these really big, muscular people who've given, what I like especially, they have shots of them in their green room

sitting around and they have a big, like staged losses of temper. Like Viper came off. He's so angry, he kicked a yoga ball. I mean, it's great. Mark Plattenberg is the referee. It was a former Premier League referee. I'm familiar. With all the incompetence that that suggests. I'm going to start

watching it, Frank, largely for the Disney Rages. I enjoy that. Mark, the way that he says Gladiator's ready, when he says ready, he has to say it at the side of his mouth like he's doing it a bit sneakily

like he's not supposed to be saying ready but he's going to risk it. But no, it's endless fun for all the family. Anyway, your TV licence covers you for over 400 TV channels and everything on BBCI player on any device. For more information, visit tvl.co.com.uk slash pod. So I was on an aeroplane last weekend.

Oh, yeah. Oh, big while. Yeah. And what I've started doing now I've noticed on aeroplanes is I go in the shop beforehand. as you always do at the airport. And I've started buying about four packets of sweets. Frank, did you say, FYI, most people call it duty-free, not the shop. Does duty-free still exist?

I haven't really worked that out. I didn't have to show them my ticket thing. Boarding pass. I didn't have to show my boarding. That's because you wear the cloak of celebrity. Oh, that's it, yeah. My face is my fortune. I can buy Skittles.

You're not showing my boarding pass. So that's it. I've given away the game now. If you're from Skittles, don't send me any. I can afford them. That's good to know, is this? I was eat, yes. Frank Skinner can afford skittles. Well, big man.

So I was on the, and I ate them really quickly. I can get through a pack of skittles in a mini. Like, handfuls? Are you doing handfuls at a time? Yeah, I do like four or five at a time. The new ones have got, they're supposed to have surprise centres. So the colour you expect, you think green, this is going to be a bit limy. Whoa, black current.

But I don't give them a chat. They're going in in multiples. You don't get that. So in the end, I think they align themselves to the outer casing naturally in the mouth. Anyway. So I did this thing, which I've never done before. You know, when you get off a plane, and you do that bit where you had to stand crook-backed

because the overhead lockers are. Oh, I hate that bit. Yeah. And also, you're trying to get out, and there's people taking stuff out, and they're in the way. Try being my height, guys. I might actually try being Nara. How tall are you? About six, three. I'll try it. I'll try it. I'll try it this week.

I think I can get a couple of shoes on prescription. They'll take me up there. A couple of hardbacked books, sell a text to the shoes that I do. Well, when Cockrell though, Frank, what he must get a lot is, would you mind getting that down for me, mate? Oh, I do a lot of that, yeah. Just like being at my mum's. Oh yeah, of course, I hadn't thought of that. Anyway, so I thought I'm going to be, because occasionally you get these cool dudes. and they can be also, who just, they just sit during all the kaffa.

I'm just laughing at your idea of a colding. No, but they're not... The kind of plane that stays in a seat. Nien be a guy. Nain be a guy. Or a gal. Yeah. And they just, everyone all around them,

when they, if you can keep your head, when all around are losing theirs and blaming it on you, as Roger Gippling said, they just sit and they think, oh, go on, you idiots. Struggle to get your bags down and be crouched over and be trying to get in the queue. I'll just get off when you've all got off

and I've always admired those people but I've never had the nerve to stay on I don't know why I always think I might miss my stop as if planes they just stop for like two and then they're off again oh no Belfast Africa run is it? Oh no I've got stuff to do in Belfast and I did that I stayed on

so I stayed on the plane and I let everyone get off and I started to get so anxious and I don't know what it was I just And I felt like the crew were like, come on, what you're waiting for? And I did think that thing that I was going to get stuck on it or something like that. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again. It's such a shame.

So I just thought I was being so sophisticated and I was proud of myself. And also I went to airplane mode on the phone, which of course... And I've noticed with the airplane mode, something I haven't noticed, because we put it on before the show, we go to airplane mode. Have you noticed when you switch off airplane mode? When you're on in a plane mode, a little aeroplane comes on in the corner of the screen. When you switch it off, it doesn't just disappear. It sort of flies off.

No. Flies off. Oh, that's first class. Yeah? Well, I think it was actually economy. I was only going to Belfast. I wasn't prepared to spend. So I was in Belfast.

That was my point. That's why I was on an airplane. I went to see him. My mate was in Uncle Vanya. It's a play. and he's also, this was exciting, he's also in Game of Thrones. You were a Game of Thrones.

Oh yes, yes. The big fantasy series. I'm aware of it, yes. Yes. I've seen it on the EPG. Is that what they call it? The EPG, I don't know what that is. When you're scrolling through on like your TV channel.

The electronic programme guide. That's it, yeah. Yeah, so because he's in this big fantasy series thing, he had to sign Collectors. cards, you know, he's on cards. Oh. He's called Conlott Hill, my mate. And he plays the head eunuch.

No, he does. He plays the head eunuch. Okay. And, yeah, he didn't know. It's all mined. The removal. I never let one of them. No?

Have you met any minor eunuchs? So anyway, he had to sign a thousand collector cards, and I had to witness his signing. You didn't have to, surely, but you did do it. I did because there's nothing worse than an unauthentic autograph. Don't you think? Oh, you were like the independent adjudicator. Oh, you're like in the corner of witness by.

I was once with a famous cricketer, and as we were going into the dressing room, he said, this kid said, oh, will you get me blah blah's autograph? It's another famous cricketer. And he said, yeah, yeah, I'll get it. And he went in the door, and he just signed it on a bit of paper his name,

and then he went back out. And I was really upset by it. I thought that was just wrong. Anyway, so that was It was very exciting Watching all these being Wouldn't you love to be in one of those? I would kill

I think I would actually kill To be in Doctor Who Even in a small walk-on Not a human being Maybe an animal Yeah, I'd kill quite a major animal I'd kill a lion I'd kill a lion

To be on Doctor Who With what method Have you thought this through? Nothing, but I mean, you know I was thinking lethal injection People are eating their breakfast You don't want it to be too too much No, I wouldn't feel good.

I would like a figurine fashioned in my likeness. I won't lie. Oh, yeah, that would be good. Yeah, to be an action figure. To be an action figure. What are my favourite hymns? That was Farmer's boy, wasn't it? 643 has texted in saying,

Wilco Johnson of Dr. Fieldgood is also in Game of Thrones. Wilco Johnson is? Apparently so, according to 643. What, the rubber neck lead guitarist from Dr. Fieldgood? In the amazing Game of Thrones. According to 643, Wilco Johnson, I've not given you any extra information there, I'm just telling you what he's put.

That's astonishing. Yeah, if you'd known that, you could have asked your mate. Is this true? Yes, it's all lovely, and what else? Well, before we do anything, Frank, I'd like to kick off with some cab driver news. I'm liking the alliteration. Yes.

I had a cab driver recently. It posed me an interesting question. Okay. We were chatting. I told him I worked with you. I wasn't boasting, I should say. He was dropping me in this area. You were the one that was dropping.

He was dropping off. You were dropping that. Carry on. And he said, oh, what's that Frank Skinner like then? Is he worth meeting? Is he worth meeting? I sense you were going to do the accent. Then you didn't.

You stopped yourself. Is he worth meeting? Are any of us worth meeting if you ask yourself that? I'd like people to text in. Is Frank Skinner worth meeting? this is M-Doubley isn't it yeah am I worth meeting I sometimes wonder sometimes I meet people and think

did I do enough did I give them enough did I give them a little memory Give them a sure Did I give them an anecdote No I don't know if I did A comedian once said to me He said they're happy with just a second sentence Nice

Any second sentence Any second sentence we'll do So I I've been out on the town, actually. So somebody met me. Oh. Yeah, I went out with a friend, and we dined out. We went to a restaurant, a posh restaurant.

Oh, lovely. But with an emphasis on sausage. Oh. Which you often don't get in a posh restaurant. I see it more as a, you know, something you might get in heads of diner. Pitmore Butcher's dog? Oh, is it posh sausages, though?

Was it like veal and venison and all that? Well, they were all named after, they were all German. and they were all named after towns in Germany and towns and cities. In fact, there was a, I think, yeah, I think it's all right to repeat this. There was one called the Nuremberger. And I said, is that just following the side orders? Which I was very pleased with. Those of you don't get that joke, I suggest you tune into magic.

But the next day about this, this is terrible. I'm a professional comedian. I should be over this kind of thing. So I did the Just Following Side Orders gang. It went down well. I was pleased with it. I woke up the next morning, I thought, Nuremberger sausage,

would just following hors d'oeuvres have been better? Would that have been better? It's the comedian's curse, isn't it? Exactly. It's got the thought on the stairs where you think you could have improved it. And I thought, well, I can always retell it on the radio and do both. Yeah.

But then I thought, now, I thought that would be harrigant in the extreme. But then I thought, well, it's a German sausage. That'll be fine. We're fixing. So, anyway, we got the sausages, me and my friend. Was it just sausages? No, it came. You know the way German sausages come with things like sauerkraut?

Oh, yeah. And cartofen salad. Yeah. Can't apologize enough. Yeah. Oh, there was cartoform salad galore. What is that? Cartofel salad galore was one of the less popular James Bond with me.

Cartoffin salad is I keep... Every time I say it's like... It's potato salad. Oh, yeah, yeah. So anyway, we had all this. And my friend didn't eat the sausages. She had like half a one.

Wasn't keen. Oh, dear. She went to the wrong restaurant. Yeah, and then said to me, completely unironically, it was a bit too sausagesy. Now, I saw that coming. You say, I'm no psychic,

but I thought, I bet these sausages will be a bit sausagey. Yeah. But anyway, we were in there, and it was all, all lovely. I was having a smashing night. And she said to me that that man

doesn't look very well. And we looked across and there was a man with his head on the table, a bit like that. Have you seen that breakfast news picture this week? Oh yes. They're showing a little bit of VT and one of the presenters he's just lying with his face on the desk. He was copying some Zeds. Yes, and he was doing.

Yes. We used to, you know that? When I first started school, infant school, moat farm infants. in Oldbury, West Midlands. They used to say about 2 o'clock in the afternoon, they'd say, like, we're going to have a little nap now, and you just put your arms on your desk, put your head on. Brilliant.

And I used to just go off. Really? Properly. Yeah, 10 or 15 minutes. Just then wake up. Yeah. I was very progressive of them, really. We didn't know what power napping.

But some of the kids said to me, they just used to look around, like sly look around. Oh, right. I don't like the sound of them. No, I don't know. I don't like people looking at me when I'm sleeping. Just wake up and there's a boy staring at me. That's weird, isn't it?

Yeah, and there was three compasses sticking in my left thigh, none of which had woken me. And they weren't properly cleaned, and they're always very adjacent to lead dust, let's face it, because the pencil is only, oh, it's only the length of a compass away. No, I don't get me started on protractors. Meanwhile, back in the sausage restaurant. Yeah, so this man, I felt really,

Sorry for him. Obviously, I feel sorry for anyone who's poorly, but this bloat, you don't want to be poorly in the middle of a big, busy restaurant. Because everybody basically stopped talking. He just became, it was like theatre in the round. Oh, right. He was like in the middle table and everyone just sat and watched this bloke being ill. And he was... Coffin, or just... No, he was just white. He went white and he was just... He looked awful. Anyway, then a medic turned up. I mean, my first thought was to call her way to say, what did that bloke eat? Which sausage did that bloke eat? Because that's your first thought, you know.

But then a medic turned up in, well, I don't know about you, but do you think high viz is sort of up in the ante a bit? High viz seems to be higher than it used to be. Right, yeah, yeah, it gives you headache now. It's so high. This guy got, it was all in bright yellow, which for me, his high viz, but then he had those like silver luminous bands all over it. Oh, the panels.

Yeah. He was like a solar storm. Had he just got off a motorbike? Was he one of those medics? No, he'd just got out of an ambulance. They'd make excuses for him, Alam. I was asking. Yeah, so, yeah, so they said the place had got a nice ambulance.

Somebody said to me. Maybe I miss heard them. Yeah, so there was an ambulance. They came in with a wheelchair. I mean, it completely ruined my coffee and cheese, bored. Really? Yeah. Anyway, the people who were with this man, there was four people.

His wife-stroke-girlfriend and went off with him, stroke PA, went off with him. The two people left behind, I mean, I hope no one's listening from the party, but they just sat chatting and laughing like nothing had happened after the poor man had gone off, you know? Well, if they knew who's in safe hands, it's not Black Hawk down, is it, where no man gets left behind them? No, if that happens a frang. You said, what happens on Black Orb Down? I might go there.

If that happened to you, Frank, Alan and I, I wouldn't stay for the brandies. I might have a coffee. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But everyone in the restaurant were looking at these people thinking, you're enjoying yourself a bit too much now because your friend's just got off in an ambulance.

Where's the concern? Yeah. I don't mind a bit of a laugh, but let's see some sadness in your faces. Yeah, why have you got three afterates in your mouth at once? Your friend's just been put into an ambulance. that sort of thing. Yeah, I think they were after act.

They were called in there. Well, you're not the only one with restaurant-based tales, Frank Skinner. I've been dining out this week. You've both been dining out. It sounds like you've been telling lots of stories. With a Michael winner. I love it when people said I've been dining out on that story ever since. Have you?

How does that work? Right, who told the best anecdotes? Right, you don't have to. No, no, no, no, no, you told the best anecdotes. We'll split it three ways, you're fine. That's never, ever happened to me. And I've always told the best anecdote. Even if you say so, you're saying.

I have never, ever dined out on a story. You see, I like it when someone's getting the bill, and the other person goes, they say, oh, let me get this. And they say, okay, well, the next one's on me. Yeah, do you do that? I do that. Oh, gosh. Before you, before you continue this.

Come on, what were you going to say? And then they don't. Yeah. Yeah. I'm happy to do it, but I always, the next summer I see them, I always say, I can't remember who paid last time. I just have a one shot. Oh God, you have done that to me as well. I have one shot at it.

Well, I had what I call a CCSO. They're back. I hate that. Do you know what it even is? No. It's a credit card standoff. And you get them in work lunches. So normally with friends, obviously everyone's on their best behaviour and doing the whole charade we've just discussed.

But in a work lunch... You go for it if you're with friends. Is that what you mean? Exactly. But in a work lunch, it's a bit more hostile, I find. So what happens is the bill comes, and it's on that little saucer. It's always on the little saucer.

The saucer is saying, we don't want this back empty, you know that, don't you? Yeah. And I had with this girl that came on the saucer, she didn't reach for it. Well, I wasn't going to reach for it. Was it just two of you? Yes.

Oh, dear. So we sat there. Doesn't that mean that you've blurred the line between work, colleagues, and friends, if there's only two of you? Surely you've had lunch together? Or was it a work lunch? It was a work lunch, darling. That's what we do in business.

I don't understand the business community. How do you decide who pays for a work? Well, this is the trouble you don't say at the beginning. And you've got to... So I thought, because she gestured for the bill, in quite a dramatic fashion, I thought, I felt the onus was on her. She'd said, wait a check please or whatever. She's put a name on it like a defender showing mine.

Yeah, exactly. Mine, mine. Yeah, exactly. If you do that, or a cricket, you do that and then you don't catch it, you've dropped it. Absolutely. Well, that's what I felt.

Good point. Not according to her. So we waited, Frank, that 10 minute period with that bill on the saucer, that was the longest 10 minutes of my life. It was absolutely hideous. You didn't go 10 minutes with him. It was about 10 minutes.

On about 3 minutes. On about 3 minutes. Like a metronome. Yeah. Not tens at all, is it? About 3 or 4 minutes in, I suggest, scissors paper stone. I can't go.

10 minutes of that kind of angst. No. Well, do you know what, Frank, I was cool as a cucumber. I broke her. Did you? I broke her. Really? She said suddenly, she did it angrily. She got the card, she went, I'll get this, shall I?

threw it down. She threw it on the saucer. Yeah, but the trouble is, well, are you going to need to have other meetings with this person? No, the relationship is over for good now. Oh, well, fair enough, thank you. I can't go back there. Zing. What, you won?

Congratulations. I think I feel we should celebrate in some way. I'm elated. Go out for dinner. Not with Emily, obviously. It's cold, Franks, radio days. I don't know days as a stupor. And me days as in a seven for the weeks old, this is a take not a blooper.