The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: The Bat

Episode Date: May 16, 2026

Frank, Emily and Alun are still in 2013 for this edition of Radio Days. This time the team are talking about THAT BBC News iPad incident, Prince Harry visiting Nando’s, celeb spots and whether Frank could live in a commune. Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank's King is ready of days. It could go one of two ways. I've got an anecdote, but it's not, it doesn't show me in a great light. It's what I think Emily would call Mortifacardo. Oh. I recently went on a little retail trip to the Trafford Centre in the north-west of England. I live in Manchester, I should explain, to some of our readers who may not know. But I've been, in the last couple of weeks, a cycling commuter. I've been trying to ride my bike

To London No Although I've been bringing a folding bike to London I love that bike Once within London But at home I have an 80s rally bike That I cycle about to get to places

It's got mud guards and stuff Perfect for Manchester So anyway Sort of early an ET style Last couple of years I've been on a On a certain Not a couple of years

Maybe last six months I've been on a search For some black jeans I would like to be Not that hard to track down Well you'd think Frank I'd say seven 70% of our listeners are wearing them as we speak.

Well, I've joined them, finally. I had to go to the Trafford Centre to buy some from Marks and Spencers. Couldn't get them, couldn't get them from Levi's. How is the cut? Were you going for a skinny? Well, this is the problem, you see. I would like to wear Levi's, but the 501, it grabs me too close to the gentleman's excuse me. I see? It does.

My upper thighs are too large. I don't want to know about your upper thighs. It's the cycling, you see. It might be that. It might be the... I didn't know you had Bill Beaumont issues in that area. I don't think I do, but I think it's just, anyway, I've gone for M&S, and I'm happy with them. It seems like what we used, what we used to call in our child, Tesco Levi.

Yeah, well, I'd gone for it. You did. I can say that with full conviction. So I cycled to the Trafford Centre, right, and I'd only just started using that bike, and I've got one of those locks that goes through the front wheel and the frame, and I had a little moment of going, oh, I know what I'll do. I'll lock the helmet to it as well. and that way I don't have to carry the helmet in the shot.

So I did that, went into Marks and Smith. I'm here to collect my jeans. The guy says, I've just been listening to you on the radio, on a podcast. I think I made myself seem like I thought I was Johnny Big Bananas because I said to him, oh, which show? You are Johnny Big Bananas, that's why you can't wear a five of a one. I said, which show? I'm thinking he might have been listening to my own radio four series or just a minute.

And he went, you went to the faint skinner one. He said Gardner's question time. So I pick up the jeans. Which show? I'm pleased. I've got them in my little backpack. I go back to where I've locked a bike up. Gone.

No. I've been the victim of a stolen bicycle. Oh. No. I walk back into the entrance. I say to the guy in the shop, I've parked a bike out there in that bike rack, and it's gone. And he went, oh, okay, I'll phone security, see if they've got any CCTV. Phone security.

And the guy says, I might have some good news and some. bad news for you, Mr. Cochran. What kind of bike is it? I said, it's a rally team banana from the 1980s. I don't like to brag, but I got it on Gumtree for a hundred quid. He told him all there. And he went, well, I've got your bicycle behind me. We've got a proactive security policy here, and you hadn't locked it up properly, so we've stolen it for you. They stole it for you? They stole it for me. That was very good of them. Well, you say that, but it put me back by about 45 minutes

because I had to go to a different bit of the Trafford Centre to collect it. And then the guy, basically what I'd done is I'd locked the bike to its frame, the wheel and the frame together, but not to the bar. So they just lifted it off. Well, that's right, Dev. They were right to reprimand you for that. And also, you've learned a valuable lesson. You should thank them for that.

Well, why couldn't I just learn that lesson by having my bicycle stolen or not and returning to it still there? Like, it might have still been there. No, you've been stubborn about it, but I think... I'm with them. The guy said to me, I was really hard to carry it around this corner, actually. I said, was it?

It's almost like you could have left it there. I was tempted to... I was tempted to bop him on the nose and say, there you go, you've learnt a lesson, keep your guard up. Oh, Cople, don't do that. You're too good looking to get to fight at the moment. At the moment, at the moment. We've taken all by radio shows

and none of a bit of editing and tightening. I want to talk about this BBC news presenter. Did you see this character, I think he's called Simon McCoy. Oh yes. No relation to Sylvester. I'm sorry, Frank. Don't get too excited. No, he's not the real McCoy. Excellent.

But he did a news bulletin and instead of holding a loft, I was going to say the traditional iPad, it's hardly traditional, but that's customary these days. He walked on set with. a big, a wad, a photocopy of paper. Yeah. It's extraordinary. He said he went to grab his iPad and he grabbed the photocopy paper instead.

A BBC spokesman and said, he just went with it. Yeah, he did. He went with it on camera. Yeah. Well, it went with him, I suppose. Yeah. I, well, I had mixed feelings about it because, first of all, I love stationery. Right. I mean, I love.

Get me in Ryman. and I'm oh man it's just fabulous so for me on one level it was a right oh come on but um but on another level one of my

one of my real problems with the news is that when they say I know we're going to go through the papers with um Dirt Wahlberg and Kevin Walsber

Messerschmitt and On the International Week. Yeah, and they don't hold up the papers. They don't go through the papers. They go through photocopies of the papers. And I've pointed this out on many occasions. You can see the white underbelly of the photocopy.

Sky Newsman. We call him Sky News Man. If you're going to read that, I've done the papers on Andrew Marne. And they said, can you hold them to the down of it? Because we don't want to see the... What did you say? And I said... You better believe it, I said.

I hate it when you say that. You see, so they're holding photocopies. Oh, how cheap. If you're going to go through the papers, guess what? Hold the papers. They're readily available in paper shops, right? Do you hate those more, or do you hate,

you know on the one show when they do the little photographs, but they're all put together? I don't like that. No, I'm happy with those, especially when there's a bubble where they've been stuck on, the cardboard. But this, this was robbing my nose in it, to go out just with unused photocopy of paper and say, what about this on the news, then?

No need for it. I think he might be sending a powerful message out because traditionally, in the days of Trevor Macdonaut, he used to shuffle the papers, didn't he? And maybe that was his message saying we should do a return to this. Yeah, what they should do is introduce, get rid of the iPad, get an etcher sketch. And they can differ them and then just shake it clean at the end. That'd be brilliant.

I just worry about this Simon McCoy chap's fingertips. Has he got absolutely no sensitivity? in them, because if you pick up an iPad, it does not feel the same as a packet of photocopy of paper. People spend hours researching how to make iPads feel nice and satisfied, and then he picks it up and mistakes it. I just don't believe, although it did remind me of the time, you know, I told you a few weeks ago that I worked for Grace Landscape Gardening Company. Gardner's question time again. I don't know if I've never told me the time that I laid a whole patio. Well, no, you certainly have.

No, and that sickenes me. At the end, I realised that I hadn't used paving slabs. There was just a big pile of the yellow pages there, but I was a bit distracted when I was doing it. All right, I made that one up. Frank, it's lucky it was photocopy of paper. Could have been a copy of mine camp. Yeah?

Do you know what I mean? Well, exactly. He had on his desk anyway. Yeah. That would have brought the house down. France goes radio base. I'll tell you how I want to talk about this morning with you, boys. has a, I love me a bit of Prince Harry.

He's my fresh prince. He's my favourite of the princes, don't you think? He's a bit cheeky, isn't he? He's a bit mischievous, and that's why I like him. He has a bit mischievous. He doesn't have to be on his best behaviour, which is what I like about him. No, he's one of those wild princes. He's the classic second son, because he'll probably never have the full responsibility.

He can live the high life. Yeah. He pretends to be in the army, he gets naked. He dresses as well-known terrorist. I mean, he's naughty. Now, he's only gone and turned up in Nandos, as you call it. What's the Greek island? We call it Nandoz.

Frank calls it Nandos. You all right. I, um... You disregard that apostrophe. Yeah, he doesn't like it. He goes Nandos. I've only... I've recently, actually, because I've been working out at the studios in Elstreet.

Working out? Do I look like I've been working out? I've been working out on the Nando's diet. Have you been pumping iron, Frank? No. Okay. I've been ironing. Is that the same thing?

I've been going to Nando's on a couple of occasions. By the way, if you work for Nando's, don't. I don't want the famous black card. You can stick it. But it's very nice. It's lovely, isn't it? Yeah, I feel like and say it's nice stuff. I've made that point.

Yeah. But I always order, someone said to me, you've got to have double chicken burger fries and corn on the comm. That's the classic meal. What about Perry Perry fries? You've got a medium, medium peri, peri, sorry. You've got to say medium medium medium. Medium, medium for Perry Perry Perry Perry.

Medium, Perry go large, is what I order. Had a mile. Yeah. Yeah. Burger and Perry go large. Remember that film? It's very good. So I've been doing that, but I've never,

this friend of mine, obviously has a bigger appetite than me, because I've done it twice, and I haven't unwrapped the corn on the cob yet on either occasion. So I'm thinking, you know, when you get to my age that when you're like even 30, you think, I'll be able to, you know, okay, I can't ski, but I learn to ski. Or, you know, okay, there's not space travel at the moment, but there will be. Yeah. I'm of an age now when I think stuff that, I'll never do that.

Yeah. That's gone, that door shot. Never going to finish. And that's what I'm thinking about calling on the car, but Nandoz. Really? I just think it's beyond me, unless I have one on its own. Oh, you don't want to go solo, call. If a man went into Nandoff and said,

And so can I just have a corn on the calm? I mean, I think it was a revolution. Anyway, Harry, I tell you what he had. He had a lemon herb chicksey. What? I love the lemon herb. That's the one I go for as well. Daisy's nodding.

It's the lady's choice normally, the lemon herb. I see. I can imagine that, because herb makes it sounds like it's like rostic bread. It's the best thing you strung out. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I'm strung out on the... And a side order of mash, which I thought was an extraordinary choice.

Who wouldn't go for the peri-peru chips? That's the point of Nandos. I think he's gone for MASH. That's because he has to retain some of the responsibility of the second in line, third in line to the throne. Not chips, but MASH slightly healthier. Well, the bill came... He hasn't forgotten even in the moment of euphoria

post-England qualifying for the World Cup, that he's still a role model. Yeah. The bill came to £24. Okay. He paid... We'll be paying for that. Just remember that. Or do you pay with a Granny Blue or a Granny Brown?

That's apparently what they call money. Is it right? I heard that they call... Granny Brown, Granny Blue. They call the Royal Baby Tips because they reduce Prince George to PG. Oh. And now they call him Tips, I say, yeah.

Oh, so they've got their own little code. Oh, God, they have a... What a life they leave. Hey? Imagine it. I bet they're letters to each other. They don't even have normal words. It just says PG tips.

Letters? I think you overestimate them. They all live in the same house. Why do they send letters? From one wing to the other. I like that they live in the same house. It's a bit student-y. Yeah, exactly.

So, yeah. I like Prince Harry. It's quite man of the people. He's not having swan sandwiches. He's very, he's very man of the people. I agree with that. Yeah, he is. And there's a bit in this article that I think couldn't be more man of the people.

The Prince apparently plays. the order at around 11.50pm and spent the next few minutes playing with his mobile phone. Isn't that just so real, like, yeah, normal? That's what people do, in it? They put a food order in and then they go, right, I've nothing to do for a second.

I got my phone. And the phone's straight in their hand, either playing Snake or checking their emails or whatever they do. I've been playing quite a lot of chess. Yeah, but when he's texting people, he's texting Peregrine and you're not. But actually, we've had a few celebs spots

because we've been talking about Harry Anando's. Jim saw Michaela Stracken getting petrol in Coolston. I always used to think she was very beautiful, Michaela Stracken. I think even today I'd like to see her getting petrol. Chackle Brothers at LAX Airport? No, no. What are they doing there? What are they doing anywhere that's not the UK?

Do you know what? I can't see them in anything other than a lorry. That's, they were at L.A. Airport. They're doing well for themselves. I wonder what they were probably not. Talking about a film or something. Yeah, yeah, the Chocco Brothers movie, yeah. I think Tarantino was going to direct.

They're going to do the serious part eventually, aren't they? And Widdcom in a toilet. What? I know it's serious. But Jay-Z was on the tube as well, wasn't he this week? I believe when he's in this country, J-Z. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay.

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You know what I'm talking about? No, what do you mean? I don't like the sound of it. When I went last weekend, I didn't do the show. I don't know if you even noticed. I never, but... I played the wrong song. Did you?

Yeah, well... Same song. It's best that we get this over with now. Okay. You genuinely looked a bit horrified. I'd see it in your eyes. I started playing. I got all excited, and I played the same song twice.

And then Daisy went, no, no. That's all right. I'm going to play white, light, white heat. I'll be underground about 11 times this morning. They'll be fine with it. Yeah. Anyway, well, you know, okay. Yes.

Oh. That's the spirit, in it? Love it. I think, but you know what... Love the spirit. You know, if you've got a song, a record at home, you know, a record. I've heard of them. And you like it and you play it once.

You think, you know what? Yeah. Then you play it again. It's fine people do that. Yeah. I'm at very much against the no repeat guarantee. I think it's a basic misunderstanding of how people enjoy music. But you're being fired?

So anyway, instead of doing the show, I went to Southwold, out on the East Coast. Oh, do you know? Familiar. I filmed Nanny there when I was a child. Haven't we all? Yeah. I filmed a nanny there this week, but she was in a house across the road. You had your long lens?

I did have me long lens, yeah. Well, Joe Forrest, she's got an injunction out now. Long Lens, surely, is a brand of underwear that Lange Goodman could bring out commercially. With three little buttons in the fly area. I'll be wearing my long lens this winter. It'll be good. Yeah, if you're listening, Len. Or the dancing.

The dancing was very cold, I suppose. I'll have a size. A vote! So anyway, I went to... We're staying in this house right by the pier, it was, at Southwold. I once went on the beach at Southwell with my friend Tracy and we ate samfire. I love samfire. I just picked it and ate it.

I don't know what that is. It's the, um, they growed a lot and did you have a holiday in Norfolk? No. It tastes of cat, you're in. What's wrong with you? Oh, it's lovely, thank. Do you think it tastes a cat, Yuri? Yeah, it's lovely.

Yeah. It does only meet it straight off the beach, do you want? Everything, anything on the ground. It's a bit like a, um, um, everything. every man's asparagus? Yes. Yeah? Yeah.

I consider myself every man and I just have asparagus. Anyway, there was 16 adults and eight children in one house. Oh. And it was, we had a long talk about communal living because at one level it's very, very enjoyable. My friend Matthew came with us and he's something of, he used to work in politics. So he's a big analogue. So he was saying, he was talking about communes and says that often what happens is a leader. Without a leader they disintegrate so they have to elect a leader and that's the difference.

And I felt there even in being there for a weekend, we were sort of somewhere in between Big Brother and the Manson family, depending on how the dynamic went. But I did, I like, you know, I think I could do it. I think I could live with a big house full of... Don't you need certain practical skills? I'm not suggesting you haven't got them, but your trip to France where you said you refused to cook or wash up. You can't walk in a straight line as much as you do if you live on your own. True.

That's one of the things. I can see... You're a man of few needs, and I think that that sort of priestly... Well, nowadays. Off the galloping horse. Thank God for that. I thought I'd miss it, but you know, I'm glad it's gone. We've had an email.

Morning Frank, I'm a long-time listener to the show, and Bravo on that. That's as near to phrase as well as said. No, a long time to listen to the show, Am Bravo. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's across several media platforms. He is, yeah, is, yeah. I love the expression, Bravo.

It's something my parents used to say at the theatre. Yeah. Oh! I love it when people shout out at the theatre. Yeah. I shouted it at West Brom once. It just didn't work. I love the Saturday morning chuckles I can have this.

Too much praise. Anyway, the reason for this email is to find out who is in the background forever laughing. It sounds like you've got about two or three other people in the studio. You know, I've been trying to ask that my psychiatrist out for about 15 years. One of which stands out when she laughs. I'm not meaning Emily or Alan. Oh, thanks. Oh, thanks.

Well, it's a choice of two, isn't it, Frank? Yes. Well, Daisy, our producer, she laughs. Oh, she laughs. And then Charlie, her assistant producer, also laughs. I'm not saying that they have to laugh, but we have had people who occasionally have stood in when... And they haven't laughed. And we've had...

I know me and Emily, I can remember distinctly having the conversation. Well, they were all right, you know, but they didn't laugh that much, didn't they? So there's pressure to laugh. I'll be completely honest with you. I can't believe you're saying it like that. Like, it's demonic. Yeah, it's a bit like, you know, if you were say, Idiar means house servant, you know, you wouldn't...

I know you said I want a kiora. Yeah. You wouldn't say, oh, actually, I don't really want to go out. It's a bit hot. You know what I mean? And... He's never told you that he'd eat you. Exactly, Frank.

I'd go one further. We usually do. Well, yeah. Their laughter's got to be genuine. I don't want to get to hate laughing. Yes, that's the other thing, is they have to laugh. And also, it has to be genuine. It's a tricky little...

It's not a good for everyone, is it? Of course, being a Catholic, I can't even use a conundrum. No. I like to think it's a bit like working for Kim Jong-un working for us. Yes. I imagine he's... Well, Dennis Rodman's here. I think he's probably a bit more easy going.

But anyway, so I'll hear something about the... I mean, could we? Could we live together, do you think? Us three? The five of us, I. Oh, the five of us? Us three, like, sitting around chewing the fat and then cooking the fat. Oh, you two are doing all right for yourselves, aren't you?

Three lovely ladies. Yeah, but they're only there for laughing. I remember that stage when my relationships stopped being for the physicals and started being an audience. Oh, yeah. I always want the audience. That's the only point of them. Okay, yeah. We did.

We had a bit of a, we lived together in, you wash my smalls. I know. People still sometimes, whenever I said, do this shit, they go, is it true you wash my seat? I can't believe it. Even when I thought it. then I thought, no, that's, I hope I'm not going to voice this, and it's something I've just lay about imagining. I did wash your pants.

I've imagined it so many times it's become true. I felt a profound need to look after you. You're lucky. That's the only thing you felt. As long as there wasn't any sort of towel on. So you're in the commune? How many people were talking? But I would never wash your smalls. I'm glad we've cleared that up.

No, but why? Why is that a one-way street? Why is it... It's a little bit comical if Emily washes mine. If I wash Emily's, it's a court case. Why is that? It's the funny old world we're living, isn't it? Why don't you texting on 8.15?

Why is that? Why is it okay for Emily to wash my smalls, but not for me to wash hers? I'll tell you what, the best text gets to wash Emily Smalls. Frank's King is Ready Your Days. Glenn, Frank, has tweeted. us to say when M washed Frank Smalls, was it during his wearing boxes for two days running period? It was.

Oh, I'm really glad I know that now. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I think, yes, they'd have all been on at minimum the second day. I know. Oh, minimum? You might have got a three-off. It's wrong in those days. They did find their own way to the washing machine.

Looking back now, I look back with some shame at the fact that I had longer relationships with an uncleaned pant that I did with some women. me. I know they had two-day stands with them. What a scound. What a very great scoundrel I used to be. Oh, God, I've changed now. Thank God. Thank you, Frank, while talking about the commune.

Well, the other thing, sorry. But do you remember I've spoken on this program, I think, before, about zonal marking with children. Yeah. Oh, yeah. When I was a kid, adults would see kids playing up, and they would become their parent for that. moment because they were in their zone. That was what was brilliant about, like, if my son bars had disappeared,

I just knew that someone in another part of the house would be watching out for him. It's great. I think I could live in that kind of weird hippie thing. But there's just like the amount of people. We watch strictly. Together. All of you? Yeah, and 16 people and eight kids watching strictly.

It's like ancient Rome. Right. Like thumbs up and thumbs down. It's better than being there. When you watch it at home, there's like two of you. You know, it's a pretty quite a fair. You know what I'd be interested in that dynamic. I'm going to get rake seating in my living room.

I'm surprised you didn't have that in the old days. I don't know. When you were a rake. Who? Who? I'll explain all the jokes. Sorry I got a bit out of re-sighted. Who has dominance?

that's it no who has dominance over the remote I didn't go with those friends someone did ask about that no I didn't go with those friends that's time I went on a weekend with my friends from the S&M community I was washing up and one came behind me

and grabbed you know those fleshy bits just under the armpits squeeze them until I wept and wet myself did you have immargoals on I didn't know I was enjoying the burning of the hot water of course the people you went on the holiday to France with, we'll be listening to this now thinking, oh, at least it washed up when he went on that one.

Well, that's what stopped me doing it. Yeah. Yeah, God, unless I had my armpit guards on. Can I just say... Have you met my armpit guards? I met him. A couple of ice blokes. I daked one of them.

Frank, I only daced him because he was famous. He said a boast about it. Ben Carter, he should say, tweeted us that. He did actually ask, did you go away with your friends from the SNM community? Not on this occasion. He thought they'd be tough to commune with. Well, strict.

Yeah. That's what they are, I would say. I love a bat. So when I saw that there'd been a story about bats, I got actually quite excited. I like the way they swaddle, like they have a little permanent wansy. I love the way they do that. Yeah, I forget they do that.

Yeah, and they lick their little chest fur as well. I do that to myself. That's a different story. That's grooming. Yeah, I like that. They're like... Yeah. Oh, it's like...

How many men can do that? It's like Lelrents off pornography from the 70s. Now, this story is regarding... As you may know, so bats... They depend rather heavily on their ears. Their sight's not great. That's quite well known, isn't it? Yes.

So apparently... Yeah, but that's not strictly true. No. We'll come on to that. Put that finger away. I don't like you just pointed at me. Yeah. That's not...

Who are you? Bat expert over there? And they've been using ear trumpets from leaves. Did you read about this? It's extraordinary. You know what? I read it and it's one of those when I saw the headline. I didn't read the article and I thought that won't be true.

No. Is it actually true? Well, I thought they were rolling up little, like roll cigarettes or something, rolling up the little trumpets, putting them in it. They don't do that, it turns out. They climb inside the leaf and they use it as an ear trumpet. Oh, God. Wow.

I could have on a... took 20 or 30 of them in that hedge. That would have been terrifying. Because you always go for the leaves, don't you? Yeah. Because when, in bright sunshine, when the leaves are dripping with your own waters, it's such a, it's beautiful.

I don't think Daisy found the description of it beautiful, is you? Well, Daisy's strangely sensitive. So they use it as a little sound chamber. So people are saying this is a sign of their ingenuity, yeah. Amazing. Like being in a cave. Very like being in a cave. They love a cave.

They do like a cave. Maybe it turns out that's why they're thinking, I can't hear you out here. Let's go in the cave and have a chat. Do you know, they're very bad PR bats because they're seen as quite sort of sinister creatures. And they're actually adorable. But they get stuck in your hair, don't they?

Isn't that the thing they do? They get caught up in your hair and that's annoying. They're in my top five. They're not on my top three. Of animals? Oh, Kingdom. Yeah. How would you go?

Well, I think you can guess my number one, Frank. Well, the trouble is with the bats, of course, is say if you had a top 10, and they were number one, they'd think they were number 10. Because they hang up something. Yeah. So that's why they're never complacent. You know, they browse the Natural World League tables, and they think, you know, way to go. But in fact, they're doing really well. No, no, no.

I love their suction pads, Frank. I love their suction pads. Even though I didn't know they had them until you just said I love their suction pads. Where are their suction pants? On their little feet. That's how they cling on to things. They make me sick. Frank, okay, if I'm going to do bats in top five, what's your top three animals?

Go. Can I have a centaur? You can. Okay. I know it's mythological. I would go centaur human being tapir. That would be my top three. Tapir is the one that looks.

It looks like its face has sort of imploded. It looks like it had quite a good snout, and then it's wilted. I know exactly what that is. I know it. It looks like, oh, it's got it a bit too warm, that snout, and it's just started to droop. Oh, is that the one with a snout that looks a bit like a potter's wheel, halfway through a vase being made, isn't it?

Frank, wait. Is this an impression of it? Frank, can I do my top of animals? Yeah, what's yours? A foxgib and tortoise. Foxgibbon tortoise. I think I went to school with him. That was a posse. That was a pot to school. He only lasted a week and then they got moved to Bath...

Sir Matthew Foxgibbon Tortus. I remember him well. Oh dear. I... Oh, I love a centaur. I'm not that bothered for animals. I mean, mythological ones are all right, but... I'm not that bothered for animals. You're nine. I have to really think about a top three. Come on. What's your top one? We'll have a short break and then that gives you a chance to.

You better think of one, or I'll be disgusted. It's a swath. You know we were talking about our top three animals? Hmm. Can you remember mine? Yes. Fox. Foxgibbon tortoise.

Yes. Do you know what? I love the tortoise. It's very introverted. I like the giant tortoise. So do I. I like the pink tongue. Yeah.

This is from... That's a great pub. Is it near five? that you live near. Yes. This is a message from Brett Allen. Sounds a bit American. Frank, centaurs are animals.

They have the upper bodies of humans. Yes. I think it's safe to say. They have the mental faculties of homo sapiens. I know we're all animals, but I think that's a disservice. What a faux par that would be at an Arlenean embassy swaree.

Well, as you said, we are all animals. And I think if you did the percentages on a centaur, What? Charlie. Sorry, that's the percentages thud. Which, I think that was set up for our financial program. It's on in the evening.

No, what that is, was a new jingle that I cooked up last week, and it's still workshopping it. What is it? It's called sudden heart attack. I thought it was the pet centaur just leaving the studio. If you were...

If you will, it was a centaur party. thing. Oh, absolutely. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed it so much. It was a sort of a leisure centaur. No, no, no. Now, if you do them proportionally,

there's more horse than man, I would say, in a centaur. Yeah. Well, put it this way, where it counts, it's horse. Well, exactly. You know. But the good thing about it, it's the way it's distributed. I mean, if my gentleman's excused me, is that... If I've grown up with it that far away,

I'd have had a lot more time. Yes, that's true. I would have done more with my life. I've got an email here from Lucy in France. Hi, Frank, Emily, and maybe Alan. Well, we'll see if I'll listen. Yeah, exactly if it turns out. I might be reading it but not listening, as Stan Laurel says.

Living in France, I listened to the Saturday show for your podcast, and I'm there for a few days behind the live broadcast. After listening to last week's show, I thought I'd share, I thought I'd tell you that back in 2003, Back in 2003, I spotted Timmy Mallett getting on the same train as me in Slough. How could I be sure that it was him? Timmy Mallet on a train? I thought Timmy flies?

Timmy flies? Oh, sorry, I misread that. Time flies. Carry on. How could I be sure that it was him? Oh, what's your dad dance? Can I just say, I like the fact that this email contains a question that we would ask it. How could I be sure that it was him?

You ask? he was carrying a rather large mallet-shaped hold-all which must have been especially made for him. He sat in first class. No, not especially made. Frank. He just bought one of those mallet-shaped holders. Can I say, please, can you hear the best bit of his story?

He sat in first class. He sat in first class with his large mallet-shaped hold-old. Brilliant. P.S. Frank, here's a French pronunciation challenge. I live in Le Lloro Botero. Very well done, actually, Al. Did I do okay? Let's say, Frank, how are you going to do?

I can't see the... What does it say, if you got it? Oh, there you go. That's right. She lives in Le La Rue, Botero. So I think what the point is she's making, that would be ooh and oh. I think you did them both the same.

Oh, right. It's actually in Edinburgh. It means the lower pottero. That's a... Talking about it. It's an Edinburgh-specific joke. Pottoro's a song. street in Edinburgh. Lower Botero.

That's it. Lower, Loro, Botero. Stop it now. This is absolutely unbearable. Can I... Absolutely excruciating. I've got a bag. Absolutely excruciating is a new channel that they were... I've got a...

I present on it. I've got a new bag and... Oh, all right, James Brown. I thought you've gone for a while. And, um... I'm not announcing an affair here, by the way. You've been out changing your bag during that last long song. I've got, yes.

As we say, my bladder's on the outside. I've not helped you in the car, wouldn't it? I've got a new bag, and I can't decide whether it looks too much like a lady's handbag or not. Oh, no. Have you got it with you? Can we have an unveil it? I know this is not much fun for the listeners. Do you know what?

I'm really excited about this. I think the listeners have enough fun. What about it? I do. Let's have a look. Get it out. Well, it's a... What it is, it's...

What do you think of it? That's it. It's designed... It's a bowling... It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my whole life. It's a bowling ball bag. It's for a bowling ball. That's what it's designed for.

And I thought, wouldn't it be brilliant to go into a greengrocer's with this and get a watermelon? Just one cantaloupe, please. And then go home and cut it, what's that bag? I said I bought you a watermelon and unzip it, and there it is. That's all you could buy when you went out shopping, though. But what I'm wondering is, if I carried this,

does it look like a lady's handbag or people would, more people think it's about, can I do something to stand up now? Does it look like a lady's handbag? He's doing a Bruno Toneoli standing up. No, doesn't it like a handbag? It just, it looks absolutely disgusting. It's really nice. I genuinely like it.

Oh, I think I've split the audience. Yeah, it's been a few years since I did that. It's interesting. Yeah. It's interesting that this stage is. I love it. You've gone to prop comedy for radio then. It's cold, Franks, radio, days.

I don't mean days as a stupor. And me days as in a seven for the weeks old, this is a take not a blooper.