The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: The Scottish Play

Episode Date: April 8, 2026

We’re in 2013 with Frank, Emily and Alun. Emily’s had a confrontation on the bus, Alun needs new sunglasses, the WI have made a mistake, and the team talk that Luis Suarez incident. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank Skinner's Radio Days It could go one of two ways Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days We're in 2013 for our best bits This time we're talking about that Louis Suarez incident We're talking about missing out on things Can I tell you what we've missed out on this week? I think we all know

Everyone in this room We didn't get a Sony nomination No Which I know it doesn't say how much But in radio not getting a Sony nomination It's kind of a big deal. Yeah, it's like not having a home. Not having a home.

In normal society. It is, so it's... There's a stigma. Can I tell you... Frank, I did something. I've got a fess up now. I took it quite seriously this year. I listened to it live.

Oh, did you? Yes, I did, I'm afraid so. Oh, God. Did you put a dress on? Especially nice dress. No, but I got quite competitive. I did. Like a mad old lady nominated for an Oscar.

No, I didn't put a dress on. But I did. As I sat there with my dress on. my instile colleagues and they all listened and they went oh that was a mistake terrible and they all went oh oh can you be in this category and I went no and then it came to the end it was clear we weren't going to win anything so do you know what I did I went a bit big brother winner being evicted big brother contestant I went oh oh I didn't want to win anywhere yeah and I threw you and Alan totally under the bus and I said I'm not worried but I think frank and Alan will be really upset I can't believe you did that you were right but even and so. All right. Now, I've really learned something this week,

and that was the judge's addresses. And I'll tell you something, it's very hard now. As in Green Park for two hours, it's very hard to find dog extramal. I ended up having to on bag. I like that the cockerel still wants to go to the ceremony. Cockrell really wants to go there. I think he wants to do some Kanye West.

I'm going to let you finish. But Frank Skinner, that's what he's going to do. He'd go to Thatcher's funeral if you knew there was three nibbles. True. I've been invited. Of course, I'm busy. Talking of Thatcher, we've just had a text in. What, she's done to tell me she's come back to life.

No, Jeff Marshall says, I blame you for getting the audience first singing ding-dong back in 1990 when she stood down. That is true that when she said, stood down. I was doing a comedy club in Birmingham and I got, I began the night by getting the whole crowd to sing ding dong the Witch is dead. I'm sorry for any of our pagan listeners, by the way. That's not a blanket anti-witchcraft thing. It's just the wicked witch thing. Yeah, and now it's become a national, could be number one this week. Also this week I went to see the Scottish play, as it's now.

Macbeth. Yeah, you said that, don't you? Oh, James McAvoy. James McAvoy was in it with the blue eyes. Is that the one where he had stage wage? Yes. Yes, someone filmed him or something. And he hates being filmed.

That film style. Yeah. It's one of his worst things. I felt sorry for that punter, though. There's nothing worse than being told off by a celebrity. It's awful. Well, I, it's very in the round. They're very close.

I think some of them probably got a bit splattered because it's one of those was a lot of blood knocking about it's a lot of blood you know people some people do it at Beth and they think

let's get the blood out it's a very male sort of and for me too Scottish too Scottish the Scottish it was too Scottish

it was too Scottish I mean you can see how they've gone that way I just reckon I just reckon my Macbeth two Scottish Frank Skinner

what were they doing eating shortbread dancing on sword they were talking they were talking Scottish I'm talking Scottish. You sound like a person that's red train spotting.

Do you know what I mean? They were saying, Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps and that's petty a pace. And you think, don't do it like that. It's too Scottish. It's Scottish.

It's a Scottish place. So what? So what? Well, sell what? All right, do it. Do it Welsh. Do it in RPA if you want. Have you ever heard Hamlet say,

To be or not to be? That is the question. He doesn't do it, Scandinania. Yeah. You don't get the moor of Venice saying, well, where's the ma'am, me, what is the lovely Desabon? Just keep you, just don't do it like that. Oh, I like that. So Scottish. I blame Maccabwe. He's coming and he thought, this is my chance to be Scottish, because often in films, you know, people don't want it.

Are you suggesting it's his Martin McCutcheon moment? I think it's his moment when he thinks he's going to get back. he's um you know he's was it was modern dress frank it was I tell you what it was modern because I don't like Coriolanus in a T-Shay and T-Shayette I'd say it was sort of homeless chic it was it looked like

it was sort of post-nuclear everyone was in everyone was very shabbily dressed oh shabbily dressed and two Scottish Franks in that very male they were very physical

you know when you've ever drive past the school and there's kids outside some of wrestling. Yeah. And so one always looks like they want to and one always looks like they don't really, they're being picked on. They were like that. The actors were like that all the time. Oh, right. We're like wrestling and shoving each other about. You know what he's upset about? No cloaks. Oh yeah. I do. I think there was a cloak in the whole thing, actually. Because they don't like a cloak up there. Let's face it. Kilt now, right? There was a kilt either. Was there a dagger? Surely there was a dagger. Oh, God, there was a dagger. You know, there was a dagger, but I was

Damn, if I could see it. I also went to the cinema this week to see a film, the name of which I don't remember. It's got Pines in. It's got the word Pines. Oh, that's the Ryan Gosling. Yes. Yeah. Any good? Don't have a film where the title is so long. It's not memorizable.

The Place Beyond the Pines. Because your word of madness. There you go. Is that what it's called? Yes. The place beyond the Pines. Yeah, it's about... What happens is a boat works in IKEA and he's sacked.

And he leaves a fish. in one of the stores to stink the place out. Oh, no. And it's about the search for this, where the smell's coming from. Where the place is. Oh, no. Spoiler alert. Yeah.

Well, I didn't say, I'm not telling you what the conclusions. We know the fish's place. But, yes, exactly. I know a few of us know our place. Yeah. So I went to see the pine. Place beyond the pines. Place beyond the pines.

And it isn't really set it eye. here. No. I made that up. Except Ryan Gosselin, it's in. But anyway, before me winning, I went up for me popcorn. Did you? Yeah. Bob Geldof loomed out the shadows. So, um, was he in the shadows?

Hank Marvin. He'd been a dishevelled figure with them and their lovely dog tooth-check suits. Anyway, there's a bloke ahead of me and he said, um, I'll have, um, a bar of, uh, green and black.

it called it all. Organic chocolate. Fair enough, I suppose. Quieter than popcorn. And he said, and I'll have a glass of shablet. What? Oh.

And I mean, fair enough, they sell, I realise they sell wine in this. He had trainers on. A man in trainers drinking wine. At the cinema. You worried he's going to break into a run after his glass of shabler. I love how easily outraged you are.

I am outraged. I said to the person I was with, in four hearing of this. man, you know what, I've just realised, I hate wine. I really hate wine. When all people say, oh, I don't drink much, I have a glass of wine with a meal. Well, why do you do that? You're idiot. I hate it on sort of dating sites and things when they say, like hobbies, I like to curl up on the sofa with a glass of red wine. That's not a hobby, you're an alcoholic. Not alcoholic, that's what I ate. If there's one thing I ate, it's people who drink with great,

reticence, a glass of wine. A glass, what good is that? I mean, the taste horrible. We're only doing it to get drunk. Have a bottle of wine. Speak for yourself. Yeah. Anyway, he had his glass of Shablai, and I made a big point of saying, large popcorn, large popcorn, please, and I said it in a tone which said, like you should be ordering in the cinema, which will take two minutes and we're done. And the bloke says, sweet of your salt, I thought, don't drag me in. on this sweet, obvious. Did I say sweetie then? Yeah.

I've got a friend who's a very keen Freudian and he says every mistake you met like that is relevant. Really? ...heasitation, everything you're saying. If you look at it, it's real. So I looked at Alan and I just desperately wanted to say, sweetie. I have to live with that. I'll take that.

Yeah. I love you. Thanks. Lovely. So, yeah, so I have, I've been doing stand-up gigs. You've been doing what I call your gigs? Yeah. And I haven't really done what I'd call proper stand-up for five years. So it's been an interesting experience. I always, when I go into something like this, I'll be absolutely honest with you.

I always think it's going to be a earth-shattering success. I mean, I really do. I really think the first night, all the news stuff will all go so brilliantly. Do you fantasize it might be a lot? news at 10? They might actually report. I fantasised about there being a lot of stuff on Twitter about it's like one of the best gigs I'd ever seen.

I honestly did fantasise. I don't dream a lot in an extremely positive way about my career. I find I've had to since the Sony nominations. See, the Tony's nominations, I thought we'd get maybe four or five. I thought it'd be one of those. Did you? I thought that. Be a Nick Ferrari year.

I've got not. And I never learned. So I always think it's really, honestly, I can't tell you how brilliant I think it's going to be. I partly blame this show because I always imagine that everything I say on this show back home with the listeners is absolutely bringing the house down. And of course, I don't know any better. You two aren't allowed to read out negative text. So I live in a beautiful cloud cuckoo world of 100% success. It's great. But I'll give you an example of how my bubble burst.

It's like being a Middle Eastern dictator. I like that. But internal. Yeah. Comedy death spots. Yeah. At least my elaborate gold bathtub palace is in my head. This is very true.

I can confirm that. Yeah, well, there was a few times this week when my statue was pulled over and somebody hit it with a flip-flop. Because, for example, I think I got over-ambitious. Because I feel like and do anything on this show, I kind of thought, oh, this is my chance to hear those laughs. I don't normally get to hear. So, part example, I tried...

Sorry, in fact, the carpet fitters upstairs. We're just going to have a word with them. I did... Oh, yeah, there's a carpet being fitted, not before time, might I say, in the absolute radio studio. That rug? That rug is threadbare? If you hear any hammering, that's what it will be. But I'm all right with a bit of background hammering.

Okay. I remember a mate of mine buying a Billy Idol album and told me it sounded like somebody building a shed. It's a fabulous description. So anyway, this was one of the gags that didn't go so well. Right, and perhaps we can, perhaps you can workshop it with me, Alan, you've been a professional comedian. Oh, this isn't going to be remotely mortified, though. So I said, right, this is my impression, very much, this is how overconfident I think I've got.

I'm a bit Yarr-Wudian. I said, yeah, this is my impression of George Gershwin, yawning. Nothing. See, in a weird way, it's bad to tell me this because comedians love hearing about other comedians' filled. But can you imagine how loud the silence was after that?

Yeah, but I like it. I think it's funny. But do you get it? Yes. I don't know anyone there got it. Of course we get it. No, no one there. What if they got it?

They just said, well, I get it, but what about it? Which is even worse. Please let me leave in the belief they didn't get it. Not that they can't eat and treated it with utter contempt. That would be too much. Oh, but I almost, see, it's this, it's this, I imagine now that our readers at home are still laughing at the George Gershry.

Do you? They're not, they're not hearing. They're not hearing this bit of this show. Do you, Colonel Gaddafi? Yeah. Because they're laughing, they're laughing so loudly. We can say anything now about it can't hear us. They're breathless.

So meanwhile, over at the theatre Yeah, so let me give you another example of a piece of misjudgment on my part. I started talking about, this is something I went to see a 1924 silent film starring Lon Cheney Senior, Man of a Thousand Faces, called Who Get Slapped. Already some of the audience had wandered off this far in. And my point was it was one of the first ever MGM films. Right. And, you know, the famous MGM lion thing at the beginning?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. So when they got to that, the MGM lion, I was fully expecting that the lion, it was a silent film, but I thought the lion will roar in silence, and then a card will come up with like a G in about 16 hours. Yes. But in fact, the lion just looked into camera.

He didn't roar. I suppose because it was silent, he didn't bother. So he just looked into camera. Even with any sort of purpose, like a lion might look at a wardrobe. Mm. Right. And... Not a witch.

No. And then I said... And then I said them three years later, you know, came the jazz thing with Al Jolson and the era of the talkies, or as the lion called them, the Rorries. Mm. Nothing. Oh, that's a shame. The Rorys, you didn't...

I thought it was gold. That's what I thought. This is musical material. It was one of those, as I got nearer to say in Rouries, I started to get really excited and a bit hot. In anticipation of the laugh I was going to get. Oh. I mean, it's a pretty niche area of interest joke, isn't it?

The advent of the talk is. Well, yeah. Pretty. Yeah. I mean, as long as you do it with some broader stuff around it about, you know... Yeah, it was next to George Gershwin. I'm not kidding. It followed George Gershwin.

Wow. So it was... you all crowd pleaser Yeah So it was Always always go for the cheap laughs Don't you That's like when you're walking down the street

And there's a lamposts gone And you think Oh what does And then you realise the next one's gone as well Then you're in darkness I like your observation comedy about lamposts as well George Farnby Probably would have gone better

Either the lion Or George I happen to like both pieces of material Oh well thanks very much But you are You aren't one of my biggest fans. I am. Just as I am one of yours.

So it's that lovely mutuality. Lovely. But it's been, it's been, I'll tell you one thing I have realised. You know, when I said to you, I felt I could wear a suit for four weeks. Yes. You can't do that if you're performing. Oh, no. What, are you very in it?

How many did you? So have you done the same suit all week, have you? I have. Is that the same one this morning? It is, it started to crackle a bit when I raised my arms. Oh, great. God. Is it, if the armpits

gone a bit white, like a shirt in a charity shop? Well, I'm not prepared to. Without legal representation, present. There's an element of those, you know, those sort of rings you get on an old wooden wardrobe door? Oh, yes. You know, those sort of rings in the wood. There's an element of that in the inner sleeve. But, anyway, that's been basically my week.

And don't get me wrong, I'm loving. quite a large part of it and then the other part is terrifying I've had a sort of a moment of realisation about myself this week and yet you're still wearing a denim shirt I like denim

it's a very durable comfortable fabric I like your prison break sheik I always have done thanks very much I think you could slide into presentation work on top gear and no one would even notice the joy well I would find it a hell on earth but thanks for the job offer

Perhaps we can spring James May, you can step in in his place. No, well, they wouldn't bully me like they bullied him, would they? No, because I'd take their heads off. I'd step to them in the common parlance. I don't know what it says about me. Quite often I have a match of the day two on my Sky Plus, and I don't watch it, because I'm not bothered all the time. Sometimes I do.

But this week, I turned it on and watched it purely because I had heard that Louis Suarez had bitten another footballer. What does that say about it? me, let alone Suarez. Well, I know what you mean. It's like... It does make me wonder if they allow biting, will I watch more football? I mean, I would only ever watch Formula One with the hope of a crash. Dang.

It's like, you know, you wouldn't watch strictly without Bruce. Yeah. You know, you want some sort of car crash potential. You're right, and that dancing on ice thing, I hope they'll fall over. Well, of course you do. I mean, you know... That's why they do it. I don't want anyone to get badly hurt, obviously.

I do. Oh, okay. But I want a bit, you know, I want, yeah. So I think that's fine. I'm sure. I bet you they got... This is the thing. They got their best ratings of the year, I bet for the Swares.

Sorry. It's been a strange time for football because Suarez bit another bloke. Yeah. And then last week, a football fan punched a horse. Yes. So it seems like all the rules of combat of... They're in... they're in turmoil.

Can I tell you what I like, Frank? I like the fact that Robbie Savage insisted on continuing to use the footballers' tense as he's so brilliantly termed it. What he's done, he's bit him. He's locked up, he's seen the arm. He's bit him. He did say, he's bit him.

The best quiet of the week was Louis Swaris' manager, who's been outraged at the harsh treatment that Louis is, understandably, because he's a brilliant player. Brendan. Yeah. And Brendan Rogers, this is an actual quote.

They said he's let the club down, he says, Louie hasn't let me down one bit. Oh, Brendan. That's a genuine quote. Poor old Brendan. Alan Hansen said, let's put this into perspective, which I like.

I like that we need to put it into perspective. Did he say unbelievable? No, he said he hasn't harmed anybody. Put it into perspective, he hasn't harmed anybody. But he was trying to. He tried to bite him. I know.

But I think it's an interesting insight into Alan Hansen's parenting technique. I think an interesting insight was that Paolo DiCannio described it as strange. I think when DeCannio thinks you're strange, you've really gone weird. It's a point now, you wouldn't be as hurt by that bite as you would by somebody kicking you up in the air. And people get kicks up in the air on a regular basis in football. But I suppose the difference is you can accidentally kick someone up in the air at football. You can't accidentally...

You can pretend it's accidental. Yes, yeah, you can't accidentally grab it. someone's arm and try and eat them, can you? Yeah, but if I punch someone in the face and a football, not me, because obviously that would be a salt. Not even in your 70s pitch invader days. Yeah, but if I was a professional

football and I punched another professional football, it's unlikely I would get 10-match ban. No. So I do, there's something like biting is something to be better. Roberta Savage said, Yeah, he actually... Robiter.

Robita Savage said, I'd much prefer to be bit than a hard. on the receiving end of a harsh tackle, because he said I could still, he said I could still report for training on a Monday morning. I think that ship sailed, Robbie. Yeah. But I see his point, Frank.

He meant it strictly. But he's fine with being bitten. He's fine with being bitten. He's fine with being in. He's all right. Well, I tell you what it has met, it did get me thinking. Yeah. Do people still, I'm out of touch now.

Do people still have love bites? Yes, I think they do sometimes. I don't you think it was friendly. No. But it just made me think about it. When I was at school, you know, not everybody, but everyone who was fortunate enough had loved one. Did you have one in my whole life?

And I remember I had to coach the girl who was giving it me, saying, no, I need to do it harder than that. I can't feel anything. You need to get more of the flesh in. But everyone used to have them. It was the badge of honour that, you know, I've got a partner. And I haven't seen one. And I, you know, I didn't mean I've got a partner for me.

It just meant I was with someone last night. But I look at the pooer a lot And I haven't spotted a love bite for a long time So if you're aware of their existence, give us a bell It's a nice day outside And I feel like it's time for me to discuss My current dilemma Oh yes

I need sunglasses But I'm at a stage in life where I'm fed up of not caring about sunglasses and breaking them and losing them. And so I'm for the first time ever considering buying some expensive sunglasses. Because I think people... Is this a fact that people look after their sunglasses more? Or is it just the myth that the expensive sunglasses... Well, Franks can't run it over after he did the sunglasses shop with Jeff Brazier.

Did the what? Jeff Brazier. I was offered some free ones. Do you remember this? And Jeff Brazier went in ahead of me. You remember Jeff Brazier? I think this was BC before Cockrell. Oh, was it?

And he came out and he said, I thought we'd just get a pair each. And he said to me, got 12 pairs. No. And I thought, well, I am damned if Jeff Brazier was going to get more than me. I got 19. No. And two for my personal assistant. It was a great day.

But I'm starting, I think I've lost, broken, and I've got only about three pairs left, so I'm probably on the verge as well. Well, I'm particularly anxious about, can I say, is to find out your interpretation of the word expensive. Well, I'm even more stress for that, man. Five quid, I'm prepared to call five quid. No, I was going to go over three figures. He likes a label, Al does.

Well, Al. Can I just say I've never felt more proud? I was going to go up to, like, Rayban tortoise shell. Is that what the... I think is, here's the thing. If I remember rightly, the peak is Foster Grants, isn't it? Aren't they about a tenor? I don't think I'll care if I sit on them.

They used to be. They used to be the one. I remember. I think, I try, you tried on a pair of my sunglasses last week. You had some aviators. Before that I tried on. No, the dark, thick ones.

They're often dark. I believe they're called Wayfarers. The Wayfarers. Now, here's the thing. I have a free pair that I got at a comedy festival that were given to me by the Montreal people. And they're like, they're the same shape as Wayfarers, but they have like neon green-colored,

arms or is it legs on sunglasses? I don't know which is. I don't know. You lost me at neon green. Let's call them stems. And they're like a neon green and they've got comedy network printed on the side. They're disgusting. But extremely comfortable and so I've been wearing them driving which worries me that somebody might overtake me and there's a vague possibility

they'll recognise me and go, oh, he wears Comedy Network sunglasses, what are weird. But I can't wear them forever. I can't wear them on my summer holidays. I remember once that I was. was, it was raining. I grabbed an umbrella and I got halfway into town before I realised it said Frank Skinner on the umbrella. It was part of the merchandise from the chacha that I did. And it really, it was like I was saying, I know I'm slightly obscured by this umbrella, but just in case there's any doubt about who I am, I've put my name on it.

Oh, it's so awkward. I didn't want to get wet. I think in the end I just got wet. Yeah. Well, that is the answer. I would say advice wise, Wayfair is all aviators, I think Wayfans would look good on you. All I would say is both of you, I beseech you, no wraparound. It's very Russian clothes protection. But I wouldn't spend a lot of money. I once watched the total eclipse through a bin liner, and it was perfectly fine.

Under a Frank Skinner umbrella. So I would say, if you could make a bin liner blindfold. Yeah. It would be fine, certainly for driving. I do have an old motorcycle helmet that's got a tinted screen. I could just wear that. But I've got two summer holidays plan, and I think my family might think it's weird on the beach

if I've got a motorbike home. For driving, you can improvise. Is there anyone left in Britain, no one? Let me ask the readers, is there anyone left in Britain who's got one of those green sunstrips on the top with the name of the woman and the bloke? I would love to know that.

It's not just us that. I made a mistake with them saying that it was Star Trek Day, and it's Star Wars Day, obviously, May the Fourth. This week, there has been quite... In my defence, someone texted in earlier and said, it's Star Trek there, and I said, I had no idea of that, but I hadn't put together the May the Fourth. Obviously, May the Fourth is Star Wars.

In many ways, it makes the point even more, it's not just us that's made that mistake. It's their own fault. Why have another big sci-fi classic that's got just two words, one of which is Star. the same name, isn't it? Yeah, come on. But there's been a there's been quite a large fur par this

week. The W.I. group, you know, the Women's Institute in, where was it? Anyway, wherever it was. Parkham, that's right, yeah. They had a guest speaker, ex-C. Captain Colin Darch

who had been captured by pirates and they were all dressed up as pirates thinking that it was a fancy dress and that they were just going to have a laugh. But I don't know what made them think. Yes. Oh goodness me.

They were very, they were homemade, those costumes. They were. Yeah, I don't think they went to the cost of hiring them. They're in the WI. They're a craft kind of organisation, aren't they? They're not the people that just throw money at the problem. I think it's nice to see members of the WI just with clothes on of any kind.

Since that calendar, they're all been doing it. And it was supposed to be a weird, quirky one-off, not like, you know, don't get carried away on that one. He said a funny thing about, apparently all the papers are saying, oh, he took it in good humour. But what else could he do? Go on bananas. He couldn't really start shooting at one of them. If it had been me, though, I would have been very tempted to have broken down and said, it was the worst time of my life just to make them feel bad at the WI.

He said a funny thing. In any event, the ladies didn't look the slightest bit like Somali pirates. Really, this group of, forgive me, aging white women from... Everybody's a critic, isn't it? It didn't look the slightest bit like Somali pirates. I liked how nice these ladies, but it was a kind of weird lexicon they used where they said, well, when we found out, naturally everyone was aghast. Who says a gast?

Ah, I'm glad they were at. They said aghast, and they also described him afterwards, they said, well, he was very entertaining. He was talking about being held at gunpoint. Yeah. And they thought it was entertaining. 47 days. His book is called Captured by Somali Pirates.

That must have been a bit of a hint that he had been captured by... That is one of those books that does what it says on the team. Totally. He's not gone to bleak. Still, you know, worse things happen at sea. Oh, hey! I bet he got some compensatory jam at the end of it. Yeah, I have some jam.

I'm kind of intrigued by the WI. Are you, why? Sorry, I'm just now feeling sorry for him because he's never going to be able to say worse things happen at sea. That's gone from his lexicon. Well, no, because he has established that worst things happen to say. Oh, I suppose, yeah. He's the one man who can truly say.

Yeah, oh yeah. So that's one of the things I envy about Colin Dodge. I suppose we've all got something about Colin that we hanker for, but for me, it's that. It's just that phrase. I'm afraid I've had one of my incidents this week. Well, can we get some... Jailoff?

Some death. I got on a bus. Oh, is that it? That's a big enough thing for Emily. Okay, we've had some text. No, no. That wasn't the sole incident. Well, that was hugely traumatic.

I was on my way... I'm going to be honest. I've been schooled in the Frank Skinner. It's the school of honesty, really. I was on my way to my shrink. I'm sorry. I do go to a shrink. That's all right. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Well, you haven't admitted it. I know. It's too late now. It's out there. Anyway, I was on the bus, and I got on, and then an elderly gentleman got on shortly afterwards, and he had a sort of leather cap on. Really?

Yeah. Was it the guy from the Joe Boxers? No. What was he called? I don't know. Do you remember the Joe? I don't know. Boxer beat.

Boxer beat. I remember it, yeah. Okay, carry on. Anyway, he looked. like he might be trouble. Hmm. He just, I could sense it. Well, just the leather cap. What time of day?

What time of day are we talking? It wasn't like a night bus. We're talking 8.45 a.m. 8.4.5 a.m. Yeah, but how old was he? I'd say 68. You see, for pensioners, that's late night. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. He had, there was something a bit big, ronish about him. He could turn. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, and I was right, because he got on immediately behind me, he pointed to the woman who'd sat down and he went, she's got a bag on that seat.

A bag. She's got a bag. Oh, me. human. I couldn't deny it. And then he sat down next to me. And I thought, I don't like you. You've chosen me. So I decided at that point, even though I'm going to my shrink, I still want to presentable. I don't want her thinking that everything's gone to pot. So I was putting a bit of makeup on. Light concealer. Light concealer. I like

the sandstone. Is that what they used in the Second World War? Yeah. The ARP War. And a bronze... So I've got up my blusher brush. He turned round he tapped me on the shoulder, Big Ron. Whilst you were applying? Whilst up, mid-application. Could have caused an accident, that. He said, well, well, I may as well I may as well get out my shaving bowl and brush.

If you're all going to do that, why don't I just go and get the shaving bowl out? That would have been brilliant, I would love to get on a boss and everyone was doing some form of their ablution. Yeah, I'd think good, how good that this time is not being wasted. I saw a man shaving his face in a service,

and sink the other day, but really aggressively, like, I ate it when you're in, when you go in a public toilet and there's a man with his shirt off washing. Oh, I don't like that. It's too much. Do you know what, the backstory I find troubling when I see it, if I saw that. It sounds like the fugitive, also. He's on the run.

Exactly. I've seen a few people in cars in the morning with an electric razor, shaving on the way to. Oh, it's so a fair. That is so a fair, isn't it? Oh, of course. Of course. So anyway, I didn't, I'm known for my zingers sometimes, I'm afraid I didn't have any prepared.

Okay. I was to, I said, it's none of your business. Oh, did you? That's pretty good, though. In fairness, he was sitting next to me, so I was. I said, and I don't want to sit next to you anymore. Oh. And I got up, and I stormed off.

But of course, I was still on the bus, so I had to storm. You had to storm past him, presumably. Past him. And then he's all knees. Still holding the blusher brush. and then I had to stand in the economy section. You know the pole when you hold the parlour. Oh, yeah.

It was awful. The next two minutes of the bus ride, are hideous, so he hated me. Did he come back with anything? He called a bit. He called out a bit to me. What, saying what? He just said, I've told you. I've told you, you can't.

And then he kept saying, he said, there's nothing secret. There's nothing secret. That's weird, isn't it? Which I thought was quite odd. It's a bit voodoo, like the coming guy. It's not a secret. It wasn't Julian Assange. It's strange.

It's cold, Frank's Kim, Radio days, I don't mean days, as a stupor, and me days as in a seven for the weeks, oh, this is a take not a blooper.