The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: Trainers on Tour

Episode Date: August 19, 2026

This week, we’ve got one of the pre-recorded radio episodes. Frank tells us about  his unused trainers and his doctor’s appointment (well, the waiting room). Alun tells us about his gig, and they discuss royal fashion trends. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I'm still on tour at the moment. Are you, darling? How's your little tour going? It's not too bad. Why'd you say not too bad? What's happened? Talk it up. Well, you know.

The shows are going. Talk it up, no. The shows are going good. But I'm already in this position that I get into on tour. When I'm on tour, I always think, I'm going to have a lot of time, you know, I'll be in the backs of vans and hotels. Think of what I can achieve during the people.

Period. Feed the machine. So, um... Pardon? You can feed the machine, like what you can fill up on. Haiku, philosophy books. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

So I took all my running gear. Did you find you? And also, um, what about this? I've bought... I mean trainers and shorts, not running gear like some kind of mechanical running gear. Isn't that what they say about... That is a phrase, in it, running gear? Running gear is a thing?

Is he all right? No, but when... Well, fine, no. No, but is he all right? We can find out in a week when somebody emails with the answer. They can't email today. I'm going to say what terrible people say, Frank. I'm going to take the fifth on that one.

You! Yes. Can I tell you how Frank runs? It's a bit like Roger Bannister. So he doesn't have any modern gear. That's why I imagine he has a little vets. It is a bit like... It is a bit white non-branded T-shirts,

such as when I was a major tennis style, you're right now, I avoided branded goods. Didn't Roger Bannister refuse to do the Sunday? as well. Didn't he don't he? No, no, that was Eric Liddle. Oh, I was one out, one of us. It was muscular Christianity, so we didn't think you should run on a Sunday, that was his thing.

Nevertheless, so the running, the trainers, every time I'm getting the tour truck, the trainers are just sitting there looking at me. They don't come into the hotel with me. I haven't even took him in a hotel. Wow. I'm just taking them on the road with me. And I also bought a book, a book of English

folk songs. Uh-huh. And I thought what I'll do is I'll learn loads and loads of English folk songs. I'll be able to... I'm definitely sure, sir. The thing is, they aren't... They're in musical notation. I don't read music, so I also have to learn music while I'm on tour.

Oh. As I learn the English folk songs. Yeah, I haven't opened that, yeah. Are you taking the ukulele with you? Have you got that? I always have the ukule. I will play the ukulelele. That's one thing I'll do.

Uh-huh. But those things when you feel, oh, I can learn, you know, Japanese while I'm on tour. No. You see, this is what I admire about you. I probably think, oh, I can read OK magazine. Yeah. This is why I respect you? Yeah, but is that better or worse?

Because you are realistic about what you're going to achieve. How dare you? I'm living in cloud cuckoo land. I don't know. You had all these years playing for Barcelona. That's true. Yeah. But what has that done to my niece?

I'll show you. Oh, look. Look at that. Daydream Scars I had to go to the doctors this week Don't worry Oh hang on, it's just for your jokes No, it was a general

Check, you know when you do a TV thing You have to do it Oh, gosh, you're always at the doctors for the TV That's because he's the hardest working man in showbiz Isn't he? Yeah So I had to go and do I had to go and do a matter

I think what the doctor was said to me He said I have to write down a general appearance Said okay Did he? He said I'm going to put looks very young. He said, I've got to say what I see. Oh, nice.

I thought, oh, it's kind of a big catchphrase. The doctor. Boy Walker's a doctor now. Let's hope it wasn't that dodgy episode, which we've all seen. No, it wasn't there. It was, so that was, you know, sort of nice. Anyway, when I was waiting to go in, I'm sitting in a doctor's waiting room, bear in mind,

and I see someone I know, who haven't seen for quite a while, and he comes over and he says, oh, how are you doing? I said, oh, you know, I don't know, you haven't been in, you see, he didn't get it. And then he said,

so you're a dad now, aren't you? And I said, yeah, yeah. And he said, how old are you? And I said, um. I hate this man. Yeah. I said, I'm, uh, 57. He said, wow.

Wow! And I thought, I said, is that a good way? bad well and he said so how is he how did you come out with her? I know everyone sort of you know the receptionist is completely tuned in. All right. Was there all the people around? Well it was mainly me him and the receptionist but she was completely all ears. Well that's not the first time it's been those three people. No and then and so it got deeper and deeper and so has affected your relationship. He didn't say that. And I said well I think it's better really and he said why didn't you have kids before? Was this Dr. Phil?

And I said, well, you know, he said, now, but did you not think about it before? Just thinking, so anyway, I was a grill, but he's a nice man, but he was really grilling me. And I was thinking, you know, you are aware that we're sort of in a public, but he just went on. The thing is, it was Robbie Williams. No. Yes. What? So, you know, you caught him a bit of slack.

You know what should I hate this man? I take that back. Yeah. Take that back. Very good. And he's back in, take that. It's absolutely perfect. I'm working even, and I'm not working.

I think we should quit now with Pete. I don't know. He strikes me. I don't think we're going to follow that, are we? Sorry, who's this? Is this one of your impressions of people that don't exist? Yes. It's a great one thing.

That's one of my favourites. Yeah. It's so good. People are starting to restart that person existed. Do you know what I think it is? Frank, he's always struck me as a nice, Matt. Is he a nice guy? He's nice, but he's quite intense.

He is very nice, actually. I'll bet what it is. He's intense, and it is, you know, there are people, you must know people that lapse into 20 questions at the drop of a hat. Oh, yes. And he was, we started, this, by now, the receptionist has stopped working. She's got both elbows on the counter. I'm talking about couple counsellor.

I mean, it was, I didn't even get a song out of it. He's on the lecky cigarettes, I believe. Oh, is they? Oh, well, I don't know. I mean, neither of us were smoking at the doctor's. It's not like the old days in the 70s. It's a lot of you have a fan in the waiting room. It was, you know, it's med men, not madmen.

And partly because... I have a theory about the Robbie Williams interrogation. I think he's just been famous for that long, that he's sort of forgotten that there is such a thing as private conversations. He's probably just assuming, well, everyone hears everything at some point in my life. Why would Frank even be worried? about answer in these really close. I was being paranoid and he was being, okay,

I have to say he looked very, very handsome. Oh, he's a handsome chap. He's a hair grey? That was another good reason for it. I just, I would have told him anything. And he's a recent dad, isn't he? He was probably thinking... Yeah, he's not dissimilar.

He's got a bit of a grey hair on top, a bit of a malice. He looks like he just finished the ceiling in the garage. Well, he had a hair transplant, and he was totally honest about that. You are having... No, but I love him. him for saying that. He was brilliant. I loved his honesty. I loved his honesty because he said, I had a hair transplant because I was bored and I was in LA and there was nothing else to do. He said nothing else to do. You misheard. He said being in LA, you get quite bored and there's nothing else to do.

He said, so I did it. And I thought, why did I do this? I didn't even need it. He has had one. Wow. And I believe you and he, I know I've been abused for using the phrase Venn diagram before, but I believe you and he overlap on the Venn diagram, not just fathers that have a, certain stage in life, but I think you also made the same joke when pressing the button on the National Lottery, because I remember him. How do you know this? I remember him looking straight down the, because I've told you about this, I remember him looking straight down the lens as he was about to press the button and saying, it won't make you happy, and me thinking that was a really funny thing to say. Right. And I told you and you said you did it as well,

didn't you? Yeah, I said, don't blame me if it ruined your life, brilliant. Isn't that amazing? It's brilliant. Well, I think me and him both now that money is and everything. Oh. Speaking of which... Personally, I disagree, but there you go. My pininis arrived this week from the plastic surgeon. Is that what the doctor told you?

I'm having it ironed. No, pininis. No, I've got my pinini. Yes. Oh, God, yes, you have. That's well looked after. No, our Panini Panini stickers

Yes I think all that any Any one of a certain age In fact any Is it a boy's thing? It's not a boy's thing No, we got quite into it when we were younger as well They do, they don't just a football

Do they, Panini? They do thing like my little panini They do Oh, I really thought you were going to do Toasted Sandwich jokes though No, well you thought this and you thought that Well, you do them then Come on

Come on, we'll live on. Justed sandwiches. They do toasted sandwiches. There you go. Panini. This is awful. I'm very excited that we've been sent a panini. I'm calling it selected.

Can I say I got mine the whip before you did? Did you? Ouch. Yeah. So I took them home. I took them yam, as they used to say, when the boat comes in. Oh. That's a reference a lot of people get.

Yeah, I was ganning yam. And so I got my Pellini album and my Pannini stickers And I thought, well, I know it's a little early But maybe there was the moment So I gave them to boss Is it double Z? What a double Z? And he's two in May

Oh Oh, okay, I thought so getting those dungarees It felt it was a very emotional thing Watching my son put in World Cop stickers into a Panini album Partly because I felt proud and happy and, you know, all that. And partly because watching him put them in the wrong places and not stepping in was absolute torture.

I mean, sometimes upside down, he put someone from Algerie on the England page. I mean, come on! Oh, it was so... And you can't get them off once with those paninis. Well, you see, he tried to remove... When he heard me going, gnaw. He tried to remove a few And they don't really stick the Panini

There's a couple on the floor now That have been, went in the wrong place And then tried to go in and get them, didn't The Portugal team are on the floor Yeah When you get a team shot Oh yeah The only one I just couldn't cope with

Was what? Was Messi Ironically I was very, I wanted to be very tidy about Messi So I thought best footballer in the world I think he deserves his own He needs to be in his right home

I said to him, can you, I found the page, and I said, put that one in there. Did you? What did he say? He said, I, yeah. And, but he got it. It was the closest anyone got. But, oh, I can't, it shows how anal I am. Can I say it?

That's fine. It shows how anal I am that, it depends on context. It depends on context, to go on to the manual. The absolute manual. context is all. It's, it makes me realise that it shouldn't matter, should it, where the paninis go. No. But all it matters.

Well, I've been saying that for a long time. Well, you're... As you recently just pointed out, that a buzzer's got a birthday approaching. Emily said she must make an order for some dungrees. I'm assuming that she was referencing half the press. Prince George's fashion dungrees. Was I right? Oh, I love that.

Honestly, he's the... chicest baby. He's nailed such a strong look for himself. He's nailed a strong look. 75 quid, though. I know. I know, but it is. I think we can say the name, can't we? We don't normally indulge in branding on here. But I didn't know there was a Rachel Riley. It's Rachel Riley. It's not Rachel Riley, though, is he? It's not Rachel Riley. No. It's not count. No, it's not her. Otherwise, I think they'd be a bit wider at the back. But they are nice. Oh, they're lovely. But I don't think, I couldn't let it. was aware something that the Prince George had been seen and I don't think.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, can't have a same dress nightmare? Well, I just, you know, I remember there was a girl at Birmingham Polytechnic when I was there who turned up to it like a student party. You know what student parties are like. They're very jeans, t-shirt, drugs and stuff. And not that I did any of those. No.

We absolutely really absolutely disapprove of that. And she turned up in a replica green ballgown that Princess Diana had recently worn it to think. And it didn't impress. She thought it would impress. It didn't. Did people say that? They didn't impress me much. People sneered and made remarks.

What did the other Birminghams wear, though? Well, let me guess bell bottoms and fill the length leathers. It was all, it was all, you know, a T-shirt. Casual. Can you know what a student's dress? It's universal. I never dressed like that. Like hippies.

Yeah, but would you have worn a green, green. Green silk replica. No, I wouldn't have. Princess Diana Borgh gown. I mean, come on. Is that squeaky noise? I'm afraid, that's my spine. Glad you went to the dogs.

Not Robbie Williams to have a look at it, but he couldn't find anything wrong. I have got a question for you, Emily. Yeah. Why aren't you just cut me out? No, because in her role as fashion expert, upon the show. You know, a day job's all-fashioned.

Not just upon the show. Why aren't adults rocking the dung, at the moment, because they'd be... They are. They must be true. They are. No, they are in London, you fall. Yes.

I've come to London at least once a week, and I've not seen anybody in Dungrees. Yeah, but I don't know where you hang out, but I'm not sure it's the right places. Should I be going to Shoreditch or somewhere like that? Do you hang around with any train drivers? No, you think of them as a bit Oklahoma farmhand, like Frank would wear them. But actually, they really are the most fashionable thing. They're so hot right now, Dunguries. Well, they would be.

It's a hot. I haven't seen you. I haven't seen you in any dungarees. I don't know if I've got the legs for them, to be honest. That's not my best asset. You don't actually mean. You don't see anyone's legs in dongaret? No, you do.

They're like, oh, I'm sorry. I forget I have to translate to you too. So they're dungarees, but they're cut like little hot pants. Oh, they're not dungarees. I'm talking about grown-ups dungeries. What I would call longaries. Yeah. They're longaries.

You can still wear those ones as well with a t-shirt underneath, or maybe a bra. You're talking about some sort of daisy duke stroke, old guy with white beard, amalgam. Do tell me what I'm talking about. Yeah, that's what's happened there, is they've taken the Dukes of Hazard. They've taken two characters outfits and just roughly welded them together like a couple of dodgy second-hand carouselousman. And I don't mean anything against... Amund which jokes, though. Oh, hot biscuit in my mouth.

I think you could... I'm training, I'm training Emily to sit. It's quite a long job. The thing is her nose isn't really broad enough to balance on there. No, it's tricky that, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. She got some big cross-eyed as far as if it, when it stays there for a second or two. Nevertheless. Yeah. So the front bit of the dungri, I think, is about the perfect size. You're getting it's forensic and creepy about this? I don't know why he's miming it out. Big iPad pocket.

That's what I was going to say. Big iPad pocket, because clothes haven't really got. That's a good idea. It's a good idea. And then down on the hip, you could have a holster one for the iPhone. What about, let me run this way. Call it the eye dungry. Why does he call the iPhone?

The iPhone. Dunger eye. Oh my God, the work we're doing today is spectacular. Let me run this past you. What about if you had a laptop in there and then you had a bit of extra, a bit of extra denim in the pocket. So the pocket just pull forward and you can consult your laptop and it's just sitting there in your breast section. That's excellent.

You could adjust the straps. you know, depending on what sort of broadband you've got. What if, I don't know how to put this, but I was going to say, what if business is already booming in that area? I'm just saying. All right, yeah. It might be hard to find the room.

Oh, I see. Yeah, maybe it's a bit sexist, that idea. Yeah, exactly. A bit easier for the gentleman. Typical. It'd be just gentlemen and Russian gymnasily. But, you know, they've got a cyber life as well. I don't see why they should be denied.

True. The Tollies, they're going to get that white powder all over the keyboard as well. You know, I'm constantly white powder. Oh, I love that white powder. I know that. I haven't heard you say that for war, 20 years. Anyway, Prince George we were talking about. I thought it looked lovely.

Do you know I've fallen to him? That baby. I love that baby. So that was me doing the Sweeney. George! No, it wasn't. It was you doing an impression of no one again. Oh, that's right.

I totally love that baby. There were people in the press. I'm falling for him, Frank. I've been to go at them for dressing. He looked like that? I thought he looked nice. What do they want to put him in an... I know what they mean when you get Ambassador's child,

which is a bit slick back hair in the Navy Blazer. I don't like that. No. Let's close Harrod's down for you to have a shop. Don't like that. Yes. Although I did do that. But I think he's everything...

Does make it right, as you say. Exactly. He's everything you want in an infant. Because he's got the chubby cheeks. Mm-hmm. Oh, I love him. And he's got the slightly Michael Gove backside. As he got...

Has he got... I mean he's a small child But as he got up of attitude Well some of the parents You know they put him in with some of the kids Of the same age Terrible mistake Right

I mean there was like you know Right A broad mix across society Right And apparently he sort of great He made a girl cry He grabbed some toys off some of the other kids He got quite a bad review

Actually in the paper I read He's going to be perfect for me When he gets older sense of entitlement. I wondered if it is that, and that is not going to be eased by three or four weekends of blood sports. That's not going to make you more gentle, is it?

Let's face it. Don't text this week because it's pre-recorded. We did it. When was it? Thursday. That was yonks ago, on it? Yeah, Thursday. And lots happened in my life since then.

Oh, I'm dead. Anyway. Oh, if that was the case that they played this hour. It would be really an approach. It would be fine. As long as you end with Frank Skinner, who died earlier, that'd be fine.

Shall I do that? Shall I do my own thing? Can I do the dedication? Let's rehearse it. No, no. It's not too. I'll be good in it? No.

I think this would make morbid breakfast ready. Yeah, I think it might be. I'll never forget you wouldn't let me do that. So, um, I'd just be embarrassing. You'll get so much praise. You don't want to hear your own eulogy, do you? That's not on. Now I had my own eulogy as a lame bed last night.

It was driven through the bottom of the mattress. Sorry, I can't. Oh, it isn't life. I couldn't be bothered, anyway. Anyway. What about Kate's clothes? What do you think about it? Kay who?

Kate who? Kate who? Kate Middleton. You know we're talking about Prince George earlier? Yeah, yeah. I can't believe she's... I've got some insider info into this. Apparently, the Queen gets very involved in the wardrobe.

No way. She's got very strict rules. So what she says, for example, she insists they all wear those nude tights. You're not allowed bare legs, the Queen says. Which time a year? The Queen says. She has strict rules about it. You can't wear open-toed shoes.

There's all sorts going on. So she's restricted. I have to say that red coat that she wore was, very royal family. Did you think? Red with lots of gold bottom. It's quite nutcracker sweet, isn't it? It is. And it could have been like Princess Anne, 1971.

It's timeless. But in a bad way. Oh dear. See, I don't mind it. Okay. I think she gets it all right. I think she does well. Don't mind it. Doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement, though.

Well, she's restricted. She has to have weights in the coat as well. What? They have to have weights in the hems so that it doesn't fly up. Well, it didn't explode. The panties. I know you like that word. When she came down the walk thing off the plane.

Why are you looking like that? When have I told me I like the wood panties? We not have this conversation. I know it's currently 1 o'clock in the morning, but this is going out. It's not forgetting that. Give me another non-alcoholic. No, when she walked down the stairs from the plane,

I can't remember what you call that. Do you call them the stairs? The plane? The stairs. The stairs? You know, the things that I always imagine, when I think of them, I think of the Beatles coming down, and carrying B-L-AC back. I'm just going to, I know pilots,

so I'm going to text him. Okay. I'll ask him. I just call them the runway stars. The gangplank. Yeah? That's the boat, is it? Anyway, her dress flew very high.

I was anxious on her behalf. But it didn't quite... But it was virtually a royal upskirt, which is... I thought that shouldn't be allowed to happen. No, you're telling me that should be weighted down. Yeah, she should have waited down. If there's any sort of breeze...

I mean that's one big advantage I told you the other week that that bars has really got into seesaws but if the other kids don't want to play he's a bit, you know, it's a problem whereas of course Prince George and just put his mom on the other side That's right

He's just about the same He's just past her way I would not trust Prince George on a seesaw I think things could get ugly No I know he might pick it up the smack around the end of it He is he's a bit Incredible Hulk You're talking about, next time you see those dongueries, they look like ragged bottoms and be ripped at the waist.

Oh, what a bruiser. Hey, y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust.

Visit Wayfair.ca.cair, every style, every home. So I've had a couple of social nights out of late at what I would call music concerts. There you go. I've been to a couple of jigs, as they say. One of them totally surprised. Didn't know who I was going to see. My wife put it in my diary, like going to a music gig. She didn't put who it was.

And she said, oh, that's part of your birthday. It's a bit after it. I've just bought a ticket for something and we'll go to it. went along, sing a songwriter and... So you sing a songwriter worries me that moniker. Yeah. Isn't it you? You know what? It was fine.

Was it? It was fine. I don't have any room for fine in my life. Well, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think you'd be right. I mean, it had moments of enjoyableness. Like, there was a bit of nostalgia where they stamped my hand and then we were allowed to go back out and we said, oh, yeah.

They did that at Jimbury. At where? Jimbury. It's a kid, baby. Mortil. Is it? Yeah, they stamped around to the picture of Jimbo, the clown. I don't let them do that.

I say my dermatologist won't allow that. Okay. Yeah, so we went, and I don't know if you've ever been to see. That thing about her putting it in your, can I just stop? Yeah. She put it in your diary for you. I have a person who puts things in my diary for me. Ooh, get you.

And we all. I'm owning up to that. But the best thing she ever did was, did I remember I told you this? The fourth anniversary. of the 400th anniversary of the King James Bible. They launched a trust, King James Trust. And I was invited to the party to launch this trust that was going to run events the whole year.

And my PA, Jenny, put the entry in my diary, King James Bible launch party. Brilliant. Well, I get a sign copy. So I went along to it, and have you ever been to see a singer-son? songwriter or an unknown artist and just got a feeling a couple of songs in that they know all of the audience except you that was that was that was the vibe was he was she was a he was he going

an I my love that sort of thing yeah I can feel the snow pouring down yeah very but we will go on my love that's exactly that was That was probably the most catchy number. I'll tell you what he did do. He made a bit of a tactical mistake, I think. He played a cold play song and it really stood out. Very melodic. Can I ask you about this?

Does he have an up-tempo one, Frank? That would be... Well, singing today, everything is feeling good. Because my baby called me like I knew she would. That's a song, Mickey Mooney. God rest his song.

much hated but talented but talented but guess what how great is that everyone ever another work with him hating him but

yeah but we saw him in Panto and he was genius in that Panto yeah genius in Panto now I had that experience once

that's the title of my autobiography I went to a Mighty Bush gig they call it gig don't they those sort of things I didn't know much about them and everyone

I mean I had City shorts and a navy blazer on everyone had green paint and falls in T-shirts? Yeah. Man City, yeah.

Was this before they were taken over by the Arbor Derby people? They all had false noses and women's... Right. Oh, they all dressed up. That was the Rocky Horrors, you went to. No. They get dressed up for them like it is the Rocky Horrors. No, but thanks your grandfather.

It was Mighty Boosh. I felt like their accountant. I looked ridiculous there. Some guys towards the back of this small audience at the singer-songwriter that we saw recognize me off of some probably Dave, late-night television. Yeah. Turn around and said, oh, can. we get a picture with you.

I said, yeah, no problem. I was there with my wife. She said, yeah, fine, have a picture with them. And I thought, oh, maybe they'll ask my wife to take it. Turn around. Their mums were at the bar, and one of their mums came up to take the picture. Nice, on it.

I just wish before that anecdote, I'd done a, this anecdote contains face photography. We ain't life. For only the second time in a five-year, 10 year. Wimbledon common. taped her. Our five year, 10 year. What about that red pen that was on my nose and you two didn't tell me? I feel such a fool. Well, I didn't know what it was. What did you think it was? It's still there.

Oh, God. I have to use my name. That's why I didn't tell you, because I just thought it was, I knew it blaspheme. I thought it was someone from another building with their sights trained on you. I just assumed it was one of those red dots. I thought it was Ronald McDonald. So the other thing about this singer-songwriter. You thought it was prankish Uds with one of those Oh, those laser key rings, they were annoying. Or a gun, like a sniper. Oh, thanks. The other thing about this singer-songwriter

playing a cold play song song is it did give me a little bit of a shudder to when I used to, in my stand-up output, tell her... You can hear her, Emily, wife in her nose. She's cleaning herself. I'm cleaning it. She's probably wiping dog biscuit off her nose from you trying to get her to sit from earlier. That's what it was.

We're straight back to it after the... show. He puts a little marker on my nose when I'm bad. Good gull. I was reminded of when I told a story about my dog in my stand-up show and I included a thing that you had said to me about it and then I had to drop it because I

started thinking it was getting laughs that were too big compared to my own laughs. And I thought, I can't have Frank's joke. I don't know. See behind the curtain of Oz. I can't bear it. Did you credit me? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, program associate. They were probably just being patronising in a home there.

You know what it's like Well, I had a surprise night out With a singer-songwriter Who? This has been a few years ago Oh, right This guy said... Wasn't Robbie Williams last week

No, no, I don't mean out with one I mean, someone said to me, I've got a spare ticket to see And then it was his person And I'd never heard of them And so I went along And I thought, I deliberately, I didn't try and find out anything

About this guy So there was a group of other I'll tell you his name was Daniel Johnston. Have you heard of him? Yeah. So I'd never heard of him. So people came out and played his songs beforehand and said he's an absolute genius. You know, what brilliant. And they did these songs, and they all sounded all right.

Eventually he came out. And now I realised afterwards I found out he's troubled soul. I didn't know that at the time. Right. And I laughed. I don't think I've ever laughed as much as a gig, including all the great comedians I've seen. It was honestly like Benny Hill had come out. And his songs were like,

And I love you and you love me, but that ain't going to how it's going to be. And I thought, this is not, this is like a sort of a spoofy bit of it. And he just, he did three songs and he was just weird. He took the microphone off the piano for some ways. Quite a lot of gaffer tape. And he was holding it with a big handful of gaffer tape on him. And I was just laughing.

And I was getting a few. you know, what's the political director? Looks, anyway. I was getting looks from people, evil looks from people. And then I looked into him after, and like I say, there was a thing that he'd been to a festival, and his dad flew him home. Oh, he sounds much more my kind of person now.

His dad's got his own playing, and they were going along, and you know what it's like, I've been in this situation a million times when I'm sort of going, and I didn't go very well. There was a person going, no, no, I thought it was all right, no. No, no, it didn't go well. I didn't really didn't.

And they had an argument about it. So at one point, Daniel Johnson turns off the ignition on the plane and throws the keys out of the window. Wow. So his dad had to crash land in some trees. So he, and then I went and see him film about him, because by now I was obsessed by him. Yeah.

So it sounds like? I'm just turning my phone off. just over two hours into the show. And in this film it tells you about, he saw a woman on the second story of this building and decided she was Lucifer. So he kicked the door down and ran up the stairs and she was about 60 odd.

She jumped off the balcony. So that's what I call a surprising night out with a singer-songwriter. It opened up a whole world. I entered a world of pain. Yes. So check him out. Obviously, I have more sympathy for him.

I don't want to wish to listen to his music, but have you got his number? Because I like the sound of the private plane. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, but you've got to get that out of the tree. Oh, yeah, there's some collateral damage. That's going to be difficult. It's a beautiful sunny day.

I don't know what the temperature is, but it's hot out there, boys. Yeah, it's roasting out there. And Daisy, our producer, lovely young girl with everything to live for. 70-10-year-opakes right now. What? They're tights.

Yeah. Yeah. Now, I've got their mind as well, but under some black jeans. Yeah, but this period of year, it's a nightmare. On the sartorial front, it's the transitional period, you see. Too many layers or too few, is that your issue? Well, it plays havoc with your wardrobe. For example, I've gone bare legs today, as you may have noticed.

Didn't, never. It's taken three weeks to prepare for this outing. Has it? Yeah. You have to moisturise, exfoliate, there's a lot of preparation. Legs just don't come as they are, you know. Did your wax? Did your wax?

What's the wrong with you? Are you all right? And I've got a little secret I'm going to let you boys into. Are you sure? Yeah. I think people need to know this. It's a need-to-know basis. What's this?

Okay. In these early, what I find is when there's a bit of wind in the air, you can come unstuck with a gust, can't you? So you'll wear the skirt, but it's still a bit wintry conditions. No, I don't wait it down. And I was with the girl recently who does exactly the same. You wear a pant which is more akin to a cycling short. Very wise.

If that should happen. If the wind is so strong that it falls you on your backside, you've got a bit padding in the cycling shorts. So you don't go sumo wrestler. No. So if the wind did raise everything, it wouldn't be any more. It's the sort of thing you might cycle in anyway. It's a bit box fizz.

See some more. Brilliant. That's sensible. But I find I get very offended by what people. wear in this traditional period. I know that. Well, at any time. I don't think that's seasonal, is it? That's a hardy perennial.

It certainly is. For example. For example. Uh-oh. I don't like the way you looked at either. For example. What have I done? Put away the coats, please. There's long pallbearer's coats.

When the sun comes out, I won't tolerate coats. Yeah. No coats after April. I've got a list of very strict rules. But what about never cast a clout till May's out? I don't know. As I say, I don't go out with Jeffrey Chaucer. What did you just say?

He doesn't call me. It's a well-known adage. Never cast a clout. What is a clout? What is a clout? Well, funny enough, I've just written a play which has gone a clout, in he. And we're looking to find an actor to play the clout. But unfortunately, you can't cast a clout until...

No, I don't... A clout, I imagine, it's a cloak. Oh, is it? I love a cloak. Frank, can I ask you a question. Do you go what I call foot commando when the sun's out? What, no so? Yeah.

Never. Really? Not the way my feet are... Oh, they're pumping out my feet. We used to the competitions when I was doing my A-levels. And what you had to do, we had like a parquet wooden floor, but unvarnished. Lovely. And we'd sit and we had to put our stocking feet on the floor for 10 seconds.

And then whoever left the darkest mark at work. And I wiped the floor with them. Very good. Yeah. I did. They pump out the fluid my feet. I couldn't get away. You see, I think anyone that wears socks past April should be humanely destroyed. You are. I don't want to be one of those blokes that wear a moccas and with no sock. Would you not go Birkenstock?

No socks and a loafer? Oh, God, no. No. We're not that kind of gentleman. No, no, no. I'm speaking for us both now because we are a married couple as we covered last week on the show. What do you do about football? You wear Birkenstocks, don't you? In the transitional period? I don't wear Birkenstock. but I do sport a flip-flop sometimes. I've got like a Tiva, padded sole flip-lop. Yeah, you look quite hot in those as well. Thanks.

Would you come into town in a flip-flop? No, not really. Come into town? But here's a question. I've been... Sorry. Did you read that woman in the paper this week who said that... And I'm not...

It may well... It's just her allegation, but she said that she'd had something of a fling with Sir Tom Jones. Oh, yes. And she said she's slightly put off by him wearing house slippers. Oh, where's... My slippers. There you go. Oh, that's better. No, where were we? Oh, no. I'm wondering you should bring up the changing weather and layers, because I've been thinking recently, I think I could probably do without a winter coat these days. I think, I reckon I could cope with a summer jacket for about 10 months of the year.

I'm warm-blooded. Certainly save my money, wouldn't you, that way? Yeah, I might never buy a winter coat ever again. I've got a couple. That'll do me for life now. I could do 12 months, I reckon. I'd just get a car everywhere. But you can also access to eyes. It's a great tip for everyone out there, they can all apply to their lives. I'll tell you what I've been wearing Emily Dean. And both indoor and outdoor, I've been wearing half a scarf.

I've been given half a scarf. My father-in-law... Wasn't he involved in the minus strike? My father-in-law bought a scarf. He said, I bought this scarf. I really like it, but it was too wide. So I've jumped it in half down. middle. I said that half.

You've got to hem it though. Well, I don't... I've got it with me. You'll come on Roy Cropper otherwise. It's going to be frayed like the Hulk. It's a nice bit of kit. I'm rummaging in the... It's good, good radio, rummitting.

Cockram backpack. There it is. Sorry, when you said you'd cut it in half, I didn't think you meant lengthways. He cut in half, lengthways, yeah. You've given it the half a scarf. Watch this. It doesn't look at all like you found it on a skip.

It's, uh... I think it looks all right. It's fabulous. And it looks absolutely terrible. It's wonderful, in it? I've got several items that are the same as my father-in-law now. It looks like I dress like a man in his late 17. It is one of those things you sometimes see Labrador's wearing at a folk festival.

Yeah, that's the look I'm going for. Labrador at Folk Festival. Very hard to find magazine articles that cater for this. We could tell the readers as well, it's a sort of tartan print, isn't it? Yeah. It's a brief gesture towards a tartan print. I'm sure. Chopped in half, the Tarleton Finn.

I can pop this on the old website, because if you've got it flaunted, that's my motto, about having half a scarf. I think, you know, I think it's all right. Do you? I think you look a bit early, Rod Stewart. Yeah, but you carry around a bowling bag. Good point. Yeah. I like that as well, for the record.

Say? I'm not giving it you. Tom Jones is... How can you say those lies? Because quite often when I watch the voice, Tom Jones is wearing stuff that I would wear. Whereas the young men on it Tom Jones He's been influenced by Will I am though I think

Oh Will I am's clothing I wouldn't wear And a lot of the boys that not many of us to carry out I would go to bed with Tom Jones definitely Would you? Yeah I'd get to bed with William You look carpet slippers though don't you I think he's lovely

Will I am He's got a kind eyes He has he's got an ice face Yeah It's a woman here in my half a scarf And the sun has to kick the scarf on I don't know you're right but I could have turned it off.

I haven't yet. We need to talk about Rodney March. It's going on me. It's a bit Bay City Rollers. Let me know if your uncle goes through the other half. I don't mean if he gets divorced. I mean if he gets to be the... My father-in-law. Oh, father-in-law, yeah.

Well, you know. Two successful men in comedy sharing a scarf. This is what it's come to. This is what it's come to. I'm from now at a stage where I need to text my father-in-law saying I'm wearing the half a scarf. Don't you turn up? in it, because we've also got a similar, like a heavy cotton, almost like a denim jacket,

smock top. What, half each? No, we've got the same one. He bought it. What'd you serve me and Daisy started cutting our dresses in half? How would that go down? Densherth, a chaff, I suppose. Yeah, exactly.

I'd be fine with it. Our bags bottom. Yeah. Sorry, are we casting a Shakespeare play. Rodney Marsh, we need to talk about him, because he's lost a bet. He made a big, made a big speech on, I think, maybe it. on the Twitter. I like the fact that he uses the Twitter. He had a moment of madness out. How old is

Rodney Marce? He's got to be 70. Yeah, he must be doing it with one of those big button phones. The Roger Moore uses. Big button phones, they make this rock and world go round. So he said if Stoke City get on the match of the day, on the first game, by the end of the season he would clean every player's boots. I should explain, in case there's any non-football fans

listening, that they tend to do on match of the day, he's put the most exciting game first and then the second most they top load. As they say... The glamour fixture as they say in America on the chat show circuit, they top load. So the last games are used to the most boring games of the week. So Rodney

Marsh's point was that Stowe was so boring and they'll never be on first. And that was incorrect. Yes, they beat Chelsea 3 in some style and... Yeah, and they've got top billing. Top billing. And now he's going to drive himself. He says... He says... He says, I'm going to drive there.

And where does he live? And he lives in America. Well, it's a drive. Yeah, I find it a bit weird that he lives in America and that he said he's going to drive there. Surely he'll fly and drive. Surely he could do that. Well, yes, he's not going to have a good James Bond car

across the Atlantic. I know he's a colourful character. Some of your contacts in the higher car. I do. You have a few. You have a few. You have a few. You have a car every now and again.

Morelsey? Yeah. Morelsey? Yes. No, it's, I'd see what's hard. about this. Do you remember when he did this with Bradford City? No. No, what did he do? He said to Bradford City, well he said that they'd definitely get relegated. Right. And they were in the Prem that year. And it didn't happen. And his thing then was that he was going to get his head shaved.

So sure enough, he had to get his head shaved on the centre spot, I think, at their ground. Is it Valley Parade, Bradford City? Oh, that's so humiliating. Yeah, but it's almost like he's doing. it on purpose. He's like he's some sort of self-publicist. Like he's painting himself into a corner and me. Yeah. Yeah. I've got a bit of a bet on. Go on. I have told my friend Daniel, who I play chess against, that I will be still in the lead. Seven-year-old Alan Gawkeran. I play chess against. We've been playing chess every day and again. That's so cute. I'm ahead. I'm ahead in the chess. What about when I found my mate up, it was 45? And I said, I said, what do you want to do?

do and he said, well, they'd just come around my house so we can listen to some music. Brilliant. I thought, what? We did as well. We did. It was great. So Daniel was claiming that I took an early lead and that now he's getting better and that he's going to be winning by the time we get to summer. I said, that's not going to happen. Yeah. I said, I'm still going to be in the lead. I bet in my car.

I just said, if you're ahead by the start of summer, you can have my car, but I don't believe you will be. You haven't really said that. Yeah, I've bet in my car that I'll still be ahead. But I'm ahead now, and he's in Australia right now. So all I really need to do is avoid him until the end of June, and it would be five, weren't it? I don't get involved in any bets or anything like that. Me neither, usually.

I don't know anyone butch enough to bet me about anything nowadays. I used to get into a lot of sports bets. Anyone butching off? I don't mean, there's people in the children's singing groups. Did you? Oh, yeah, that was our big bet. bet before this. I want Scott bet five pounds on the school coach. It was a geography field trip to Epping Forest.

What's your language? Five pounds to go to the bathroom on the coach. Okay. That's okay though. Do you mean liquids? Liquids. What, to the toilet though, on there? No, just on the chair. Oh, I did it? I did it, yeah. Oh, wow. And I got the five pounds, but I had a map of Africa

on my backside, which wasn't good. No. You did have your cycling shorts on that, so it was fine. Never borrowed Bob McCarby. Didn't he used to wear a shirts with a map of Africa. I realise now, he's just winning a series of bets. You did that, you? I did it.

Scoundrel. I think I was drunk. And the rest is this age is true. Yeah, we'd sneaked into the pub. Oh, we've seen the dots. We've taken fun and things quite frightening. Real Canadian Superstore has everything you need this. Back to School season.

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