The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: World’s Tallest Man

Episode Date: July 26, 2025

We're still in 2009 for this episode of Best Bits. Frank's had a doss, there's a unique text-in and Ross Noble pops into the studio. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We've taken all my radio shows and done a bit of editing and typing It's a lockdown memory late at night, no cross people find new things quite frightening Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days. We are still in 2009, I know, with Emily and dear old Gareth. In this episode the text in is questions for the world's tallest man that he's never been asked before. There's some real crackers I'm told. Enjoy. Welcome, this is the Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Show. Simi's struggling to remember what it was. Is that what it's called? We never know what it's called.

No, it doesn't have a name. No. No, it's like the cat in Breakfast at Tiffany's. It has no name. I think that's the only time it's ever been compared to the cat in Breakfast at Tiffany's, but there may be other comparisons. It's not necessarily, it's not feline anyway. Nor does the show ever use its whiskers to judge width.

But anyway, I'm here with Emily and Gareth. Hello. Hello. Both look very lovely this morning. And we all went for a bit of a night out last night. We went and saw Ross Noble's comedy show. And Ross Noble, as it turns out, is our guest today. We called to him from the upper circle, why don't you come on the show tomorrow?

And he went, well, I would do it. I would do that. I would come and do it on there. And that was that all sorted. Right, you may have called from the upper circle. Gareth and I called from the stalls, shouted from the stalls. Yeah, well the stalls is better. I was in that thing, I was at the front row of the upper circle, which is like being a Roman Emperor. I was right in the middle of the upper circle,

which sounds like a line from Dante, but it's a bit early for Dante. He's on absolute radio at this time of the morning. So I've had the most bone idle lazy week I've had for many a long, I've, I've, when I was a kid we used to, um, we used to say occasionally, why don't you come round my house tomorrow and we'll have a dos, right? And having a dos meant we'll do nothing, and we actually made an appointment to do nothing. Come round our, we can get to so and so in the morning but on the afternoon we'll just have a doffs. And just meant we sat around and did nothing. That's what I've done all week, I've just had a doff. Absolutely, what have you done, like watch telly and things?

Yeah, I've got a bean bag, a corduroy bean bag, a massive corduroy bean bag I've got, I'm not bragging. And I lay on that for some of it, I did other things, but mainly I lay on that and watch daytime television and films, football, cricket, oh man. Did you find yourself getting very into daytime TV as well, like agreeing with Lorraine Kelly? I got very into corduroy. Oh yeah, it was like, you know when you rub your fingertips together after a very long bath, that's what corduroy's like, I've discovered. So you used to arrange to do nothing? Yeah.

Because isn't nothing just the default state? Isn't nothing what you're doing before you do something? Well I'm liking the way this is going. I'm not totally with him but I'm liking the way it's going because there's too much stuff on radio about I see my daughter as a daughter. There's too much like that. I like people about talking about nothing. Default state? Actually they talk about nothing quite a lot on radio, I like people about talking about nothing. Do you think so? Actually, they talk about nothing quite a lot on radio, I've come to think of it, but never in this kind of high, high-blown philosophical way. I'll give you an example of my nothingness.

I watched this morning, right, and they had the world's tallest man on. He's been everywhere this week. I mean, he's, you know. Oh, he's very ubiquitous. He is, yes. I think he's Hungarian. But he was on. He's 8 foot 8, apparently, which is just... That's very tall. Oh, it's ridiculous. And they didn't even point out his ridiculousness. But he's a very tall Hungarian man. And they said they had him on. And they did nothing. They made him

stand next to a tape measure. But he spends his whole life standing next to a measure. He's like someone from the Usual Suspect suspects. Obviously he'd be a very unusual suspect. I think a life of crime's not an option for the world's tallest man. Can you describe him? Yeah, he's about 8 foot 8. I think we've got him. So anyway, this is what they asked him. This is Phil Schofield and the new one? Yes, and Holly. But he doesn't let her get a word in yet. I think he's marking his territory. I saw him urinating in each corner of the studio. Anyway, in that way he's very like the cat from Breakfast at Tiffany's.

So anyway, he asked him if he had trouble getting clothes. And I thought, oh, people always ask the world's tallest man. So our phone in this morning is really unusual questions that the world's tallest man has never been asked before. So that's it. And if you get a really good one, we'll pass it on to him. Don't bother sending them in in Hungarian. We'll do the translation.

Well, I've got one. Well, he might have been asked it before, but I genuinely want to know the answer, which is, I mean in Hungarian. We'll do the translation. Well I've got one. Go on. Well you might have been asked it before but I genuinely want to know the answer, which is what does he do about transport? So in the car, does he have to have a sunroof and stick his head out like a sort of Doberman Pinscher or something? Do Doberman Pinschers do that? I'm thinking what the Pope would be. Dogs. You don't know what a Doberman Pinscher is. How dare you! How dare you suggest I don't

know that! Or does he have like a Flintstone trap door thing underneath for his feet? Because he can't fit in. You know, you couldn't get him into a car. I shouldn't think... No. Well he might have a customised one. No you couldn't have a... Oh what about those stretch limos? Oh that'd be good! That's a brilliant idea! Just chuck out all the drunken women and put the world's biggest man...

And the decanters, the grubby decanters. Yeah, the horrible decanters and the TV screens that never work. And put in the world's... the world's longest man, I went to call him then, which I like better. That'd be a good question. Would you prefer to be known as the world's longest man? Even of. It depends if he's lying down, doesn't it?

I don't think it matters. You don't think? What, you think it depends on verticality or horizontality? Yeah, I think you're going to call something long. But maybe trousers are long, aren't they? You can have long hair, he doesn't have to be lying down, do you? That's true. See, already I've blown that completely out of the water.

I would like to know if anyone sees him in a restaurant or something, do they always ask him to stand up? Because you'd be really miffed if you saw the world's tallest man sitting down. You'd go, oh, just stand up just for a minute. Because he's on sticks, the world's tallest man. I mean, that's not why he's the world's tallest man. I don't mean he's on sticks. No, it's not one of those houses that rise above the paddy fields in China. He's on walking sticks, so he's not that well. I don't think. We've had a bit of a question. What's wrong with you? Dear world's tallest man, what's your problem? I say, what's wrong with you? That's what I'm asking.

My question for the world's tallest man, I've lost my mate Ian. Can you see him from up there? Is that your question or someone sent that in? No, that's me. I like that it's so weird, I found him this morning. No, I think I'd be so sick of being asked if I had problems getting clothes. Also, if I was the world's tallest man, I'd say no.

No, not at all, I'd just go into a gap. It was fine. We've had a good one from the rather romantically named Jonah of Leo Minster. Oh, I like that. Sounds quite papal, I like that. Yeah, sounds like a carpet to me. When at Exmus, if the tallest man is asked for a kiss under the mistletoe, does it have to stay up the tree? Oh good, yeah, it does grow quite

a height, mistletoe. That'd be good. You have to be under the mistletoe, don't you? Yeah, I imagine he hangs around in forests a lot, come Yuletide. Apparently he's desperately lonely on the woman front. That was one of the things. Why didn't you tell me? We'd be perfect. I could go in his little pocket. Well, you've got some heels. But apparently he doesn't have a girlfriend.

I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend. Yes, he says he's never had a girlfriend. Hopefully now that I'm famous I'll be able to meet lots of girls I'd like to get married. I'll marry him. I don't mind. No, don't just don't commit like that. Okay Just a minute. I want to do something. That's the morning. I've done that for a bit I just wanted to do that. In case I didn't just suddenly grab Gareth and many will do that That's a recorded jingle that we have but But that was, yeah, poor old him. Oh, by the way, he's Turkish, I've been calling him Hungarian this morning.

Oh. And Deb's, Deb's... I love your response to that, oh. As if, as if he doesn't have enough problems, he's been called the wrong nationality, the poor soul. Deb says, has the world's tallest man ever been potholing? Um, that, well, you ask him if he's ever been potholing? Um, that, well, you ask me if he'd ever been potholing? Yes. I imagine he could pothol in like an earthworm.

So he could go through a series of labyrinths, um, and come out in various parts of him, and come out in various holes into the, uh, into the air. He may not be the world's tallest man. What? I, how dare you! That's what you could ask him. Are you the world's tallest man? No, no, really. Because it says that he's been crowned the

world's tallest man after his... I bet the crowning was a tricky business. Yeah. What did they use? Some sort of a crane? No, it was kind of like Hoopla. Cherry picker. Oh, yeah. It was kind of like Hoopla. They had a big load of crowns. Everyone had a go trying to get it on his head. Well, he must have been covered in bruises at the end of it, because that Diamante can scratch. Yeah it's quite sharp.

Yes I once had a brief affair with Liberace, I'm not kidding you the next day I looked like I'd been tiger wrestling. Um after he, yeah he was, so he was crowned world tallest man after his Ukrainian rival dropped out of the running because he refused to be measured. Really? Yeah. That was a work to rule. Yeah, he didn't want the fame, he didn't want the hassle of being the horse of the world.

He refused to be measured. How often? How often does one go and get the chance to get on your moral high horse about whether or not you're measured? Yeah. You know, so he might not be the world's top. Oh well. The guy says, the guy who didn't want to be measured said, if I had to choose between prosperity and calm, I choose calm. Well he's a good tall man. Yeah. Yeah, see, he's much better than Windy- He's like a big tall source of wisdom.

Yeah, he's- That's what you want from the world's tallest man. He deserves a coronation of some kind. I have a question for the tallest man. Who do you look up to? I love it. Oh, it's the little things in life. Now, guess what guys? I've got the builders in this week.

So, something... Slightly embarrassed. I genuinely have got them in. Okay. So, they're painting the outside my appa- my house. My apartments? Well no, it's my apartments on the second floor. Okay.

So I keep forgetting they're there and they're on the scaffolding and three mornings in a run out I flash them. Inadvertently I flash them. Inadvertently? Yeah, inadvertently. I didn't do it on purpose. Well what has been the- without going into too much detail, how does that actually happen? You opened the curtains in the state of undress, is that what happened?

Yeah, and they didn't look pleased enough, to be honest with you. They didn't look excited. No. And the first day I had on... I was trying to work out a response so that was safe. Couldn't really come out... In the end, I think I didn't sound surprised enough. Well, nor would they. Next! The first day I had on tights and. No. Well, nor would they. Next! Okay. The first date I had on, tights and a bra, which isn't too bad.

Well, I don't... Just that. Yeah. Is that alright? I'm not happy with it, I'll be honest with you. Oh, okay. Um... Tights and a bra.

Yeah. Oh, no. And then I had on a Hello Kitty bathrobe. That's better, I think. Yeah. It's a bit weird that it's Hello Kitty, I suppose. Yeah, Hello Builders would have been better. What's not a Hello Builders bathrobe? Well, that's our phone in next week sorted.

Can you get a Hello Builders? And on the third day, you rested. No, I had on quite see-through silk pajamas which is what I often wear to bed. It's hot in here isn't it? So by the third day when you knew there were builders looking in. By then you were making an effort. Yeah. You see you're a sort, I mean don't take this the wrong way, but you're the sort of woman I imagine is no stranger to a negligee. Oh I love a negligee Frank. I imagine you'd dress a bit like the women in Confessions of a Plumber. Very much like that. It sounds

like a very Confessions of a Builder this could be. Yeah I'm hoping so. Obviously the Confessions of a Builder would be a grim tale of exploitation and shoddy workmanship. But I suppose there'd be a bit of sex in it. So what do you guys wear if you think it's so weird to wear a looky-suit? What, when the builders are outside? Well, I just wear a crushed velvet cat suit split to the right. When I say cat suit, nothing like the one worn by the cat in breakfast at Tiffany's. Let me make that point. No, in bed I always wear a t-shirt in bed. Do you? What sort of, like an old fall t-shirt with an egg stain maybe? Yeah, I have worn a fall t-shirt in bed. Sometimes I wear the West Bromwich Albion replica football shirt in bed. But you can get quite a lot of static electricity during the night because

of its nylon-ness. But I can't sleep naked, my shoulders get cold. What do you not, just a t-shirt? Just a t-shirt. It's a horrible thought, I know. Really? Yeah, it's a bit like a very sort of casual top cat image. You know, the top cat used to wear a hat and a waistcoat. That was it. Nothing like the cat in Breakfast and Chicken. What do you wear, Gareth? I wear boxer shorts and baggy boxer shorts.

When you say boxer shorts, you mean large silk shorts and say things like Iron Man Gareth on them. And Everlast. The big G. Yeah, you just wear boxer shorts, hasn mean large silk shorts that say things like Iron Man Garroth on them. Yeah. And Everlast. The big G. Yeah, you just wear boxer shorts, hasn't you? No, no, like baggy boxer shorts, but I don't wear baggy shorts. I imagine you're in a shorty kimono about the house in the morning.

That's a Hugh Hefner thing, yeah. Yeah, exactly. And a white t-shirt, a white vest. You wear quite a lot. That sounds a bit prison break. Okay. So, but you normally wear silk pyjamas. Oh yeah, see-through.

See-through silk pyjamas. What's the point of, I guess, I guess you get the benefits of the warmth and something against your body but also that people can see through it. Yes. Sorry, I was lost there. I'm going to now pay a tribute to the great Bob Monkos who told a great joke I remember saying that as he got older his wife still wore a see-through nightie but now it was bifocal. Fantastic. We were asking for unusual questions for the World's Tallest Man on our text which is 8, 12, 15.

Speaking of famous people, I saw, I was walking along the Thames, the River Thames, didn't I? The side of the Thames or over the water? I wasn't walking, no I wasn't, no. I mean I know you're a great admirer of mine but I cannot do that. And I saw, there was a film crew, there's always film crews in London. If anyone who lives outside of London, if you see a film crew you think it's an exciting event, London has something to go, it's another film crew and no mistaking Mr Holmes. Right? And so I walked past and I thought there might be a celebrity. It's usually Alexa Chung for some reason. Whenever I see filming anywhere in London it's Alexa Chung. She must be endlessly

filming. I always find it's Chris Acabusi. Oh do you? Yeah, I often see him. I have seen him about twice being filmed. Do you ever see Femi Oakey? No. No, I think she's moved to America. I heard a story about Femi Oakey that she did something like a six-week course at the Mitrological Office so she could become a weather reader and then when she filled in her visa to move to America when it says occupation she wrote scientist. That's pushing it a lot. If you're listening Femi, I have no verification for that story. Okay, actually I think, yes I'm not going to say you told me because it was her ex-husband.

Oh. Oh no, in a way I have. All the proficants. In a way I have told you. Yeah. So anyway, so I'm walking past and who was sitting on a chair waiting to be filmed next to the film crew? Robert Vaughan. Oh, the man from Uncle. The man from Uncle. I mean, and the man from Uncle was far and away my favourite programme when I was a kid. I had an Uncle suitcase which was opened up and it had an uncle gun in it and the badges and all that. And also he was in The Magnificent

Seven which is probably one of my favourite films ever. But I never really thought, I thought oh there's Robert Vaughan and I got onto the yards down the bank of the river there walking along and I thought I really would have liked to have said hello to Robert Vaughan. Why didn't you? You know that kind of, you bottle it a bit in those, you see a celebrity and you think I'd love to say hello to them and I bottle it all the time and now I really, just that moment to have shook hands with the man from Uncle and the bloke from Magnificent Seven. So I'm burnt up with regret I'll be honest with you. It's like when Shaquille O'Neal chatted me up and

I didn't go back with him. Did you not? S. Well I would have told you if I had. I wouldn't have kept that to myself. Steve She is very tall isn't she? S. He is. He's about seven foot seven. This was about twelve years ago so he was single at the time. I should uh, because I believe he's married now. Steve Yes.

S. But yeah. Steve You were chatting up by uh… S. Yeah. A man, a bouncer came over to me and then I was at some party and then Shaquille O'Neal. Steve A bouncer? S. Yeah. Steve He likes, he likes a basket. S. He gets someone to do it for him. Well that's a fancy that, you turned down Shaquille O'Neal. I did, yeah.

Brilliant. So do you look back on that as a missed opportunity? Oh hell yeah. I only wanted to shake hands with Robert Vaughan and I'm upset. So imagine if I'd had the chance to have a physical relationship with the famous basketball player. He might have asked you back, well Robert Vaughan. If you'd have chatted to Robert Vaughan, who knows where it would have gone. Well, yeah, exactly. He could be on here now. Hmm. Hmm. Is there anyone you've ever thought, I wish I had that celebrity?

We went to the Sony Awards and Simon Mayo and Mark Kermode were there and I listened to their show and I really like it and I really wish I went to talk to them. So your big regret is that you didn't talk to Simon Mayo and Mark Kermode? Yeah, that I... You're just stupid. My mum, my mum is funny. She did something, she told me a story this week that really made me laugh. She works at the job centre. Does she?

Yeah, yeah, she works at a job centre. She was talking to the psychologist in the job centre that talks to people about why they might not. And so she said, my mum said that when she was talking to the psychologist she was trying to act really sane. Yeah. What would you do if you would talk to a psychologist? It's a good, it's a general love. But she has reading glasses and usually she has them on a little chain. So she's got very used to, you know, having that chain.

But on this occasion she didn't have the chain on, but she thought she did. So she said as she was talking she'd had the whole conversation with the psychologist and then at the end just sort of threw the glasses off her face. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha In the general direction of the psychologist. Onto the floor. Yeah, I'm wearing disposables today. Wow, that must have terrified you. Oh no, now I normally wear a chain. I normally wear a chain on them. And also a good thing if you want people to think you're not mad is to shout,

I normally wear a chain. I should think he's thinking you should be wearing a chain madam. That's fabulous. Did they break the glass? Well at least there's a happy end into that story, ladies and gentlemen. I'm happy to hear. I remember going to the, what we used to call the outdoor when I was a kid, which was like the nearby off licence, and we took our Whippets to me and my dad took our Whippet there.

I love that you had a Whippet. Oh yeah, and as we walked into the shop, the bloke behind the counter said, even, and then he suddenly looked absolutely terrified, and what happened is the Whippet had slipped the collar just before we'd gone into the shop, so the old man had walked in with an empty collar and lead, and vulture just assumed some lunatic had probably kidnapped a local child and taken an invisible dog for a walk. Oh those were the days. Do you know what we were talking about when you ran into someone famous and it was a missed

opportunity? There's a really sweet text we've just had in saying I wish I'd spoken to you Frank when I saw you on the Paris Euro start a couple of months ago. Sarah from East Coat. Oh, well you see that could have been a lovely friendship. I know. What were you doing on the Paris Euro Star? I was filming for Children in Need. You sounded like it was some sort of murder. What were you doing? I suppose you're wondering why I brought you all here. You, what were you doing on the Paris Euro Star? Well it it was simple, a simple business trip. How simple was it? I'm sorry, that one we accidentally got Radio 4 drama on there. Yes.

There's a nice text from someone called Theresa who says, morning, all. I grew up in the Midlands and you're taking me back to my childhood with words like DOS, outdoor and whip it. Thanks for that. Slightly tragic, is the outdoor is what we used to call an off-licence. And it is what we used to see. We used to see middle-aged working class women walking back from the outdoor with a jog, with their hand over the top of the jog, gone to get beer from the outdoor in a big jog. What, they just gave you alcohol in a jog?

In a jog. Well, you had to take your own jog. Oh. Yeah, all the middle-aged women in the West Midlands had big jugs. Right! What? What? Oh my god! What? No they didn't, they used to take a jug up to the off-lives. That would be very good for the environment, wouldn't it, if we did that sort of thing

more nowadays? Yeah, if we just took jugs to the shops and said put some butter in there. Put some tupperware. Yeah, you're just took jugs to the shops and said put some butter in there. Put some Tupperware. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. I used to, when I was an alcoholic, not that I haven't stopped being an alcoholic, but I don't enjoy it like I used to, I used to queue up for what they call loose sherry. Loose sherry?

And loose sherry is in like a, in a grocer's shop, it's in a big plastic barrel behind the counter and you take your own bottle and they fit in. Shut up, I don't believe that. It's true. So I'd get there about 8.30 in the morning. They opened at 9 but I liked my place in the queue. There'd be about six alcoholics queuing up with various receptacles and I'd gone away and we'd taken an Alpine pop bottle which was actually two pints and it was ages before

the man who owned the shop worked out that I was getting twice my load on the sherry front. If he's listening I'd like to thank you for that, for pushing me finally over the brink till I thought sherry's not working anymore, I'm going to try Pernod. Anyway, I don't know if this is the context for talking about the grim life of the alcoholic. I like the idea of the differing receptacles though for the alcohol. I wonder what the world's tallest man would have if he was to... I imagine he'd take a yard of ale. I imagine he regularly drinks out of a yard of ale.

Didn't we get another good text? Our phone in this morning is, questions you'd like to ask the world's tallest man that he hasn't been asked before. What was the swimming pool one? I really like that. Oh yeah, can you talk amongst yourselves while I find it please? Oh sorry. Whitey's question for the world's tallest man is why the long face?

Okay, thanks YT. You can tell by his nickname YT he's a bit of a character, am I right? Or maybe he's anemic. We should bring that up. This is a good question, but he's remained anonymous, which he or she shouldn't, because it's a good question for the world's tallest man. Have you ever walked from the shallow end of a swimming pool to the deep end with a small amount of pride? I wonder if he would even need to go, you know, the awkward bit where you have to get your crotch in. Maybe you wouldn't even have to do that when you go swimming. Oh no, what's happened now is you've said crotch on morning rides. Crotch is fine. Crotch is not okay.

The only way I think, yeah, but you know he's got a crotch as well. This is obviously a bit of a wordplay and you've brought up his disability You've been a slightly slightly rude joke. I'm so embarrassed only one thing can turn this round You know what that is the fall is the fall you've guessed it that the Ross nobles studio. Good morning Hi, it's we all went to your show last night as a bit of a works out in one day We have I'm guess I laughed I don't I couldn't sit there. We were in separate, I was in the upper circle. Oh you moved away did you? No we just had separate seats, very good seats and thank you for that. We didn't pay in case you didn't know. No that's quite alright. I hope you haven't come in to collect. I was doing the ice creams at interval, I don't know if you saw that. I went for Smarties last night.

Oh did you? I have to say if anyone's going to see Ross Noble who is on at the Apollo Theatre in Shaftesbury Avenue at 8 o'clock every evening, till when Ross? For six weeks. Yeah. I bought some Smarties. I don't know, I don't want a product placement. I know product placement's acceptable nowadays, but I bought some Smarties, right, and a box, quite a big box and I thought this was going to be a fiver. Two quid. Oh, that's a box of quid.

Yeah, I subsidised that. Did you really? I said that. You're doing a great job. I said there's gonna be a lot of people from the Midlands complaining about the high price of confectionery. I'm gonna personally subsidise that myself. Well you were my night night. I'll tell you that. I was so, cause one expects, you know, things to be hiked up is the word I'm after. Hiked up. But no that was brilliant. So, um, the Souther S- Steve laughs Steve laughs Steve laughs Steve laughs Steve laughs Steve laughs Steve laughs Steve laughs

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in the South East of England for those of you listening outdoors. And now can I start by saying you've got a very big thing on stage with you. I have. Yes, it's a large inflatable thing. Which you barely referred to. No I don't. I barely referred to it because someone else asked about it. Yeah, yeah, no, and I try not to.

Yeah. How can we describe this for our little... We'll let Ross describe it. Well it's a tortoise-bodied lobster-clawed dinosaur-legged tentacle four-headed winged Ross beast is what it is. He's got four heads that are all your head. Yeah yeah it's got massive wings it's sort of like I'm a big fan of like rock I like that whole sort of yeah you know Iron Maiden had that. You don't mean rock as in the stuff you buy at the seaside. I do that's exactly

what I mean yeah. How much are you charging for that at the moment? I'm charging a pound. Well that's good. Fully subsidised. That's good. For people that are only from the Midlands. Just say it when I play Wolverhampton. They're queuing round the block. And you've got a special machine that checks accents and a reading comes up on a digital screen.

Would that be great? West Bromwich. West Bromwich, that would be too quinter. Thank you very much. And an alarm goes off when that comes up. Where are you from? Home county? He's fifteen.

Gosh. Yeah, no, the poster for the show is designed by, it was done by Derek Riggs that did all the Iron Maiden artwork. Oh, was it? Yeah, because initially I said, oh, I quite like it in a sort of Iron Maiden style. And then they organised the actual guy. And guy and so yes so the set is kind of based on that but I'm a big fan of having like enormous big daft things and then just not mentioning it. Like I did a show in Edinburgh once I called it Chicken Master and it had

nothing to do with chickens it was just a daft name and I had this enormous gothic castle built that was in the shape of a chicken and it lit up and all the rest of it. I just walked out and hung me, just hung me coat on it and I didn't mention it for the whole show. I just like stuff like that, you know. One sort of, a sort of mainstream comic in the West Midlands who came on stage with an enormous pair of antlers on his head which he never referred to, 20 minutes never referred to, right at the end he said, do you think I've got too much moose on this? Which made my night. But it looks like it's a difficult thing, because I should point out that this monster

on the behind rock is twenty feet high, isn't it? Karl Mastrullo Yeah, yeah, it's enormous. It's an enormous thing. Jenny How do you get it about? Karl Mastrullo You weren't concentrating on the show at all. Jenny Don't look, don't put a twenty foot monster, four-headed monster behind you and then reprimand me for noticing it.

Karl Mastrullo Erm, how do I what what? How do you transport it? Does it deflate? It does, yeah. Thank God for that. But I'm there for six weeks so it doesn't need to be deflated and inflated a lot. So you had to bring it from, did you use that in Australia as well. I used it on tour. I did like 85 dates and yeah toured it around. Then my last tour I had a giant, same size, but it was a massive version of me at the back of the stage with a big head with a face projected that actually talked at the start of the show. Do you think you let her think at the start of a tour? I don't know if I'm going to bother with the big giant difficulty transport. No, I love that. That's the good, that's the...

That's what you do. Yeah, that's one of the great things about it. Why have a job where you can, you know, have an enormous thing and then not have it? Yes. Well, I often think that. I am Frank Skinner and I'm with Emily and Gareth, my dear friends and compatriots. And if you want to text us, I'm going to do this before Ash is going to text us anything, we're on 8, 12, 15. I like when it flows in, do you know what I'm saying?

So what did you do then Emma? Put Emily's mic up. I was hoping she hadn't noticed that. Emily just said three of the funniest things ever on British radio. Sadly. You've missed it now. Sadly you didn't hear them. So can I just point out, I say this is Frank Skinner, actually this is Doctor Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Why are you Doctor Frank Skinner?

Because yesterday I got an honorary doctorate from Wolverhampton University. You? I can now officially call myself Doctor Skinner. In fact I've already published surgery hours. So that's why you gave us all the examinations when we came in today. Exactly. It was a very lovely day out. I met lots of nice students in mortarboards. We all had the gear on. I wore a gown with a big beret with a tassel on. If you're a doctor you don't wear a mortarboard, you wear the big beret with a tassel. It looked like it might flush the whole outfit if you pulled it, but obviously

I didn't try that. And my 17 year old goddaughter was there. And they do a thing at the beginning, before you get your thing, they read out your career basically, it's like you see, it's called, it's encomium, is that the word? Oh I don't know, you're asking the wrong people here. Okay. Barely scrape a degree between us. Okay, well that's the, how dare you, that's the phone in this morning, is encomium, right, no. So they read out a thing about you, including their mention, and he has a radio show on Absolute Radio,

which obviously I felt very proud about. And then my goddaughter said to me after, I didn't know you've got a radio show, and I said, oh yeah, yeah. And she said, oh, listen to that, what time is it? And I said, eight o'clock on Saturday morning, and she went, ehh. So I don't think there is an eight o'clock on Saturday morning if you're seventeen, I've forgotten that. No, that's true. So she won't be listening. So you're a doctor and a godfather. A doctor and a godfather, yeah. I'm just gathering titles. I'm gathering titles in May! Well, it's not May, actually. I don't know where I went into that slightly camped voice, either, but it's early. A Brammy godfather doesn't sound quite the same.

Why not? Or a goddaughter. Yeah, that's what it means. Or a godfather. I've got... She tried... Do you have to sort out stuff for her? Do you have to make people offer she can't... They can't refuse? Oh, I haven't... I haven't done that, yeah. No.

I'm getting on the bromie, the anti-bromie. I'm calling it regionalism. That's what I'm calling it, Gareth. No, I think the bromie godfather, I think there's something in it. I think we could... Well, I'm happy to sit wait for you to find something of a comedy nature. Well, I'm getting the support it needs to fly. Well, okay, I'll try with it then. Blblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl That'll be all right, with a bit of onions. All right Godfather, I've got this problem right.

Well what is it mate? Terrible act. Round our chip shop they've put up the price of chips and no one can afford it any more. Well that's absolutely terrible. Well what I'll do is I'll make you an omelette you can't refuse. Oh God, I think we kinda got there in the end, you know what I'm saying? Someone came up to me the other day with a book, by the way, and said, would you sign this book for my boyfriend?

And it wasn't my book. Oh, whose book was it? Well, it was the story of O, which apparently is an erotic classic. Yeah, so I signed, it's alright to sign an erotic classic, do you think? Well, it depends where it ends up, whose hands it might end up in. It's just hard to sign. And another woman, when I was at the match, when I was at Wembley on Wednesday, a woman, I was buying a fish and chips from the thing, and the woman said

to me, oh you look a lot better on television. Oh. Well that's, that's what, that'll need for that, is there? Jodie from Manchester says, Frank, what can you suggest to fix a broken heart? Broke up with my ex eight weeks ago and waking up Saturday morning is the absolute pit. Aww. Of course, the truth is, is it Jodie? Jodie from Manchester.

Yeah, Jodie. The truth is, oh Manchester, so much to answer for. There is no real cure. I think it's important not to hunger for the cure though. I think that you have to, it's like a bereavement at the end of a relationship and you have to have a period of mourning when you just accept the fact that it's gonna be bleak and it's gonna be dark. But like all darkness, it gets very dark and you think I'm not gonna meet everyone else.

And then there's like, you know, there's the first bird song starts and you think, oh, hold on a minute. Look out the window, there's a slight pinkening on the horizon and the sun does come up again and there is always somebody out there just someone who can write in like that certainly has some sort of compassion has a good heart I sense that to talk about to be open the fact that someone is open and honest enough to say that I think is good and I think that a person like that they emanate that kind of sensitivity to the rest of the world and then another

sensitive caring person tunes in and someone else comes along unless Jodie's about 80 in which case that's basically it. That could be a strapline for our show the Frank's Gonna Radio show a period of morning. A period of Saturday morning! Okay, we're done. Thank you for listening. And thank you, Eveli and Gareth, just for being with me. It's a pleasure. And I think the word we're after is basically goodbye.

But as I always like to end it, good day to you. We've taken over radio shows and done a bit of editing and tidying. It's a lockdown-down memory lane I know, cause people find new things quite frightening