The Frank Skinner Show - Franks Unique Relaxation Technique

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Frank and Emily are joined by Johnny White Really-Really! This time Frank has had more games misery, there's a trip to A&E and the team find out something almost unbelievable about Johnny. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's Frank Off the Radio, Frank Off the podcast, don't you know. Hey, this is Frank Off the Radio. The girl that I marry will have to be as soft and as pink as a nursery. And we thought the mafia was the worst things in our Trevor do. So anyway, Frank Off the Radio, I'm joined by Emily Dean and Johnny White Really, Really. back. Yes, he is. I always say that on the end for you,

skeptics. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via Frank off the radio, avalonuK.com. You know what? We got some new stuff on the WhatsApp front. Do you want to hear? Oh, yeah, go on.

So, way we go. That was from Bruce Dickinson. No, it was. It sounded like you. It's also quite Power Rangers. That was from Dr. Phil. Oh, not the slightly disgraced American. I hope so.

I would say most of my heroes now fall into Slightly Disgraced. I'll be slightly mine. Once they go disgraced, they're off the charm. I'm not interested. I like that Power Rangers jingle. Yeah, did you think that's what it made? It made me think of it. It made me think the White Power Rangers.

Do you remember when the White Power Ranger got invited to premieres and things? There were moments on the album, I think it's called Scott, the Scott Walker album, when he soars like that, when he really soars. Like a mighty castron. Frank, who sings avenues? I wanted to go eagle, but a bit root one. Who sings avenues and alleyways? Is that Tony Christie?

That's Tony Christie. Okay, thank you. Where the soul of a man is easy to buy. Oh, I like the sound of that. So where you can purchase the abstract. Anyway. It's nice to have Johnny again, but I've got to say I'm still reeling from something he confessed to us

immediately before we started recording. God, yeah, I didn't know what to say. I didn't either. Hashtag or. He said, Johnny, do you want to tell us what you told us? What about my phone? Yes. I don't currently have a phone.

Can you imagine that? A man who doesn't currently have a phone. Well, we don't have to imagine. I mean, Johnny's in the media as well. Johnny, tell us about having no phone. Well, I go through huge swathes of life without a phone. It's always because my phones are always almost broken. And then they're full broken.

And then I don't get another one for a while. I like the experience of it. It's like a little break. Because I'm quite scrawly when I've got the phone. So how do you communicate? Do you have a landline? No. So how do people get hold of you? Well, I...

Can I just say if you're about to say telepathy, it's going to get very old put in here. But let's try it. Well, like, I can use WhatsApp on my laptop. Right. For a certain amount of time. And then it seems that if you have the phone off after a while, that goes as well. But I'm still in the sweet spot where I can use WhatsApp, but I don't have to have a phone.

I mean, you know, I suppose you never do. But, I mean, yeah. So you don't ever have conversations with Paul speak? Oh, how extraordinary. But I was trying to, I'm trying to get a new phone. I was trying to buy one yesterday. But because, you know, when you have to verify the payment and the PINCentury thing is now on the phone,

I kind of couldn't, I was trying to do it on my laptop, but I couldn't figure out how to do it. I borrowed when I was at work. I borrowed, we have two upstairs, the old-fashioned card reader ones. What, the Aasiatic? Yeah, yeah. But one of them, the enter key doesn't work.

And the other one, the batteries didn't work. It's sort of like being in a dream. I sort of couldn't accept that it wouldn't work. So I went to... You say it's not been a dream. It's like being in that shop, sex. It sounds like being in there with all those sort of phones

that look like they nearly work. It sounds a bit like being in agricultural England in 1774. Yes, I know what sex is. It's just very dangerous on an audio show to say sex. And I've just said, yes, I'm familiar with what sex is. Yeah. Even more dangerous.

So I went down to, I went to Barclays. I was picking up dry cleaning anyway at work. So combine it, we're going to Barclays to try and get one of their card readers. But they said they don't just give them out. You can order them. They can order one for you. Do you ever say something silly when you're sort of upset or overwrought? They said they wouldn't, they didn't just give them out.

And I said, well, why did I come here then? I'm sort of veering and said, how long as it's a bit emotional with Barclays. Yeah, yeah. It's likely you ask them about your motivation. Why are you getting, are you getting dry cleaning done for the Asiatic Society? Well, we've got to kind of tablecloths and stuff. Oh, it's lying carpets. The evening events.

Yeah. So I've got to get all the tablecloths. So when do you think you will get to a phone? You know, I never think a tableclubs being dry cleaned. No. I heard that they hang those fuckers off. I did know. When I worked in the fashion industry, you know, you'd get occasional.

he sent away on posh press trips at smart hotels or something and there was one girl who was notorious for this. I think she was, I better not name Witch magazine, it was a glossy monthly she worked for. Which magazine did you? I can't, yeah I better not. No, not Witch magazine. It was significantly more up market than that.

But she was the beauty. Hush but true. Yeah. She was the head of beauty. The head of beauty. I'd like to meet her. The head, the actual head of beauty. All the beauty. Did she have a head of beauty? She did.

Yeah, well, you couldn't. That's what gets me. It's like if you go to Cass, I was in Cass Arts. Do you know Cass Arts? I don't know Cass Arts. And I thought, I bet if I came here and said, I'd like a job and they said, are you an artist? And I said, nah, they wouldn't get me a job.

And I imagine if to be head of beauty. Yeah. That's the deal. You've got to have some beauty about you. Well, you've got to think like you're on the team. So the head of beauty. used to bring rugs,

curtains, bedding, idardowns, all this stuff she'd arrive with all these suitcases and she would then

get them dry cleaned. Sleeping beauty. She'd get them dry cleaned by the hotel that's the PR, the beauty company, like say Armani was paying for and they were too embarrassed

to say, excuse me, you've got a hotel dry cleaning bill of £300. So they would, that Armani or Prada would cover it. Well, She also had the head of opportunity.

Wow, that's... Who would go to that trouble of carrying it all? She became infamous because you'd go on a trip with her and you'd think how you'd see the cases go in and we knew what she was up to. We knew those... You'd see a little fringe or a tassel coming out of the case. I've tried to put a jumper of mine in with the tablecloths once before.

Did you? Did you get away with it? No, well, I mean, it didn't get... It was ink and they didn't get the stain out. So it did get away with it in one way, But in another way, it was useless. Well, you need more beauty. If you've got beauty, you get her wife. Don't you find it.

No, this woman sounds like that she encapsulates both beauty and the beast. Seems to me. Where is she now, I wonder? Very successful on Instagram as an influencer. Is she? She's an influencer, okay. Don't you find it embarrassing at the dry cleaners when they say, and they do it in a hushed voice,

just so you know there's a stain here which we couldn't remove? I get that every time. Do you? I think dry clean is a rubbish, aren't they? Nothing comes back very clean. No. That's what they need is a bit of water on it. Less dry and more, a bit of moisture.

Yeah, I don't get the dry cleaning thing. Fucking expensive. Oh, my God. I had a coat done recently. And no exaggeration because it was from the high street store. The dry cleaning was more expensive than the original purchase. Yeah, well, that's insight. You've got your stain removing pen now, anyway.

I have, but that's, I mean, it's only so big. I can't go around the entire coat, filling in every single fibre. I used to send shirts and trousers and that to the dry cleaners. And then I thought, I'm in my late 60s. Who am I saving them for? So now they're just going to the washing machine. Let them perish. I don't need them a few years.

It's fine. Okay, well, so just to conclude, if we need to get hold of Johnny, we can't ever. No. Okay. Well, he's got an agent. I suppose you can not have a phone if you've got an agent. How does the agent get hold?

Do they come around to the knock on the door? Email, normally. Okay, email. Oh, yeah, email, that's all right. Yeah. I don't know how old Johnny is, but the younger generation don't really speak on the phone, do they? No, they freak out.

They don't devise calls. I like to talk you on the phone when it's up and running. I like to ring the producer sometimes just because I'll go, oh, if I ring her. I never ring the producer. I think she'd be alarmed if I rang her.

My wife said, I listened to the podcast, and part of it repeated and the end was cut off. Oh. But even then, I think I texted the prehist. producer rather than called. Okay. So you're quite millennial Gen Zed in your communication these days. Maybe that's because of Buzz.

Yeah. Sometimes, if it's complicated, I'll call someone because I just think I can't write all this stuff and not be paid for it. But yeah, I don't mind the voice. Actually, no, I hate it. I dread a voice call, you're right. I think I have lapsed into the modern way.

I think I assume if someone phones me, then they're annoyed with me. Or it's something alarming. Yeah. Like I kind of treat it with fear and suspicion a little bit, more than I used to back in the ordinary. Well, I got a text this morning. What did you make of it?

Somebody texted me to say that the pavements were very icy. You don't get them when you're 25, those kind of text. That's someone who's thinking his bones are like air, If he goes down, he'll just grumble. That's really depressing. Oh, no. What am I supposed to do about it as well? Mind how you go.

I'm thinking I might try leaving like six bottles of milk on the front step, seeing if I can prank someone into kicking my door down. It used to be the, I don't know if you're aware of this, Johnny, but that was how you knew if an old person was in trouble. In trouble. The milk was parlor. But no one has milk delivered anymore. No.

Now when you find them, they've become part of the sofa. Yeah, yeah. You know, it's like three months on. But it was slippery. What I'm thinking is I might take a salt cellar with me when I go out for a walk and scatter it ahead like a pagan reveller. Like salt bay? Yeah, just back, just like trail it in front.

Well, you can't trail in front of you. If I scattered it in front of me and then stepped into it. Well, do you know what I do? I just make sure during these snowy periods, I will always leave the house late, so other people will take the hit. Because then they'll clear the paths for me. They'll have the ones who have to take the falls.

Their cars will have to go careering out of control, and it's fine by the time I get out. Yeah, I can see that. I quite like the glistening pavement. Oh, do you? I'll risk a fall for a bit of bejewlement. You know what I mean? What have you been up to apart from not having a phone?

Well, I had my hand. I wasn't A&E. I said I had stitches on my hand. That was because of the pin sentry card thing. I was trying to unscrew it. Is that what happened? I was trying to replace the batteries from the one that worked, the batteries worked to the one from the one with the antiquity that didn't work,

and I tried to open it with some scissors, and I stabbed myself in the hand. Did you stab yourself with scissors? Yeah, yeah. I thought it was, I was going to ask if it was a bagel injury because I got one of them. No, it was basically that. Yeah.

It was quite blunt scissors, but so I would just go on to A&E. Do you say, that was the ones of the rounded ends that used to get in school? If you'd have had those, it would have been all right. That's true. So, yeah, but it's quite, I quite enjoyed being in. I mean, it's easy to say that you enjoy being an A&E if you're in for something that seems like it's probably benign. So I don't want to be flipping about it. But I did quite enjoy the experience.

How long were you in A&A, about four hours in total But in that time I got a scene by a nurse I had an x-ray, brought me back in, stitched it up You weren't just sitting No, no, I was all over the place, it was great I got taken out to a strange porter cabin last time I was in A&E Really?

Yes They said I had a bagel injury Oh, you'd have had a bagel injury? I had bagel Oh wow I was really embarrassed when he said to me It was that bagel They knew it was a...

I don't understand what It's because it's one of the most common hand injuries people come in with now because they're slicing bagels down the middle and often if you're slicing it the knife you'll just catch your hand. So they put their wrist, do they wear it on their wrist like a bracelet and then cut round it like that? He said, was it frozen? I suggest it happens often when you're slicing a frozen bagel. Who would slice a frozen bagel? A lot of us fry. And then to put it in the toaster afterwards is that? Do you not do that? I freeze on my bread. I don't have any. I should start.

doing them. I think once you freeze some, it never tastes the same. Oh gosh, so 70s. No, I do. I genuinely think that. Oh, Frank. There's meat in a freezer and I... Do you not like it? I'll never eat that. Why? Because that'll taste like eating an eraser. Oh, for God's sake. But yeah, they lured me into a porter cabin to do the stitches. And I said I felt a bit weird because it was away from the main house. They lured me into a porter cabin, I think, was on that... You know, those magazines you get like, What is it quick?

What's that one called? Hit me quick or something. What's it called? It's got quick in the title. Anyone? Take a break. Take a break. Hit me quick is better.

That would be, I think that was Britney Spears. That was a very different kind of specialist interest magazine of yours, Frank. Hit me quick. But you used to get, you know, you get little headings. They led me into a porter cabin would be one of the things. And a woman looking like indignantly at the camera. Well, you know, I don't even, to this day, I don't believe if it was part of the hospital, because it seemed quite far from the hospital.

We were walking for ages. And then we got into the porter cabin. And I thought, I don't know, he didn't have a uniform on. I mean, I'm sure it was. I think they just maybe had an overspill, hence the porter cabin. Well, last time I was in A&E was just around Christmas. I was there as a passenger. I was a plus one in A&E.

Yes. My wife was the main thing. But they had to give her an examination in the downstairs area and they drew the curtains on me. I thought I'm a fucking husband. He doesn't mean in the basement of the building by the way, although in many ways. It was in her basement.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I thought, wow. They drew the curtain. Marriage means nothing to these people. That's what I thought. Do they think you're like Ruskin or something? You're going to be shocked by the sight of your wife. Exactly.

So, I mean, I played along with it. I didn't whisk the curtain back again. Yeah. I think you'll just hold it up my marriage licence. You should have just expressed horror. I think when you're being dealt with by the gynaecology department, it's very much like the women of the tribe are gathered. The woman didn't even look,

the woman from the gynaecology department didn't even look at me. It's like I didn't exist. I quite like that. Yeah, well, maybe that. So that's the way forward. But, you know, don't let me sit there and let me go home. If you don't want me to exist, I'm happy to not exist there and be at home watching Pluribus.

Just in Pluribus, Johnny. I don't have Apple TV. Oh, for fun. What have you got? Frank, that's quite rude. No phone, no Apple TV. I love Pluribus, and I think you would enjoy it, Johnny. It's like a hive mind.

It's a rare moment where Frank and I cross over. in our television taste. That's because you've come to the sci-fi world where you won't normally go. Yes, and I do that because I love Vince Gilligan

because he made Breaking Bad. He makes Pluribus, Frank. Yeah, I never saw Breaking Bad. Yeah, I know. Nevertheless, he makes it. You don't have to watch it. Someone said to me, you have to watch it with captions.

What do you mean? Oh, why? Because there's a lot of, you know, Americans saying, you know, we're asking, you know, where's you? And so, you know, you have to have captions on it. Who said that to you?

They needeth Evans. No. You seem very dismissive and slightly insulted. About what? About the fact that you need captions to watch Breaking Bad. Do you disagree? Well, I watched it and I never felt, there was nothing I didn't under.

I never found it unintelligible. Okay. But, you know, each to their own. But yeah, we love pluribus, Johnny. I got it. Well, okay. And someone added me to their Apple TV. but then, I mean this is so boring, but then it wouldn't work on my TV when I tried to turn out.

Of course it wouldn't. Let me guess your TV is a black and white portable. Nine in screen. Wow. Are you deliberately anti-tech? No, no, no, no, no. I just, um, it's like a kind of cloud of things. I have an aura of... I'm surprised you're even on the cloud.

I sort of managed to break things. Not breaking, but everything gets decrepit around. me. Thanks a lot. I went away with a group of people. Do you remember I went away over Christmas and they made

me play a game? Oh, that was awful. Oh, for fuck sake. I played it and as I said, the guy who did, he put a lot of effort in. So I thought at last this time it's people who I know well. And I'll tell you what I like talking.

I like talking to people. and them talking to me. Yes. Anyway, it was Game City on this thing. That was all. And I said, I just want to talk. And the guy at the instigate for the game said... The instigate.

The thing is, it's a game that sort of, you know, it does enable conversation. But I don't need fucking... When did we need a game to do that? It's like, you know, It's like we can talk, but we need to give it a bit of structure. Yeah, yeah. We can't just let it flow.

It's half minutes. You know, the only way is Essex, they used to give them bullet points before as sort of ideas of things. Oh, like scripted reality, yeah. Which a lot of people would kill for that in everyday life. We've all sat in, pubs thinking, I wish we've got some bullet points. But I don't feel that anymore.

I suppose what hurts for me is that, I used to think that people were really delighted to talk to me and listen to me talk. Now I've realised they've thought what he needs is channeling here. We can't just let him run free. It's fucking tedious in the extreme. So we had things that we had to sit around and say, what is your favourite dessert was one of the games. Oh, really?

What did you say? Well, obviously, I said lemon meringue pie. And then where does it go? Do you just say lemon meringue pipe and does that start a conversation? What's the game? That's the idea. Can you win? Is it like a game you can win?

No. It's just prompt. I think it's the game you can only lose. No, the idea is, I said, I don't want to do this. And he said, well, the thing is it leads to conversation. Did you say I don't want to do this? Yeah, I don't. It's like, you know, we're going to have a chat,

but we don't leave anything to chance because we could talk all night and the favourite dessert thing might not crop up. And then we'll go away not knowing each other's favourite dessert match on that. There must be a reason why they like the games, wasn't there? Do you think it's... I think it is avoiding conversation. Do you think so? I have to admit, though, if I'm ever at a wedding

and on the table of people, I don't know, I like asking people what their nightmare breakfast is. But that's okay. That's just throwing a weird conversational sort of Kalashnikov into the combo, and I don't mind that. It's more the enforced, the rules aspect, I don't like. You have to do this. When people start explaining games to me,

and someone said to me recently, they said, well, play this game. And what happens is you get six cards and three counters, and then you throw a turn after that. And I just thought, what's wrong with you? I don't want any of that. I think if I'm going to put my brain power into something, I want it to produce something.

I don't want it to be a fucking gay. It's like people say, you know, people play chess and they spend 10 minutes thinking about the next move. Why? What, they could be doing something really constructive for that time? Chess, I understand people love chess. I don't know why I don't mind chess so much. Do you play chess?

No, I don't have the right kind of brain. I don't have the time. I just don't want to, I like just sitting, staring into space. Well, can I just share? That's dying out. Yeah. Not in Johnny's house. Staring into space is the new black in Johnny's house.

God, if I hadn't got a phone and my right's hand was injured, I just don't know what I'd do with myself. Oh my gosh, disgusting. 666 has something to say on the subject of games. I was thrilled, because I was talking about games as well, not long ago my hatred of them. We often talk about that on this podcast, because it needs to be discussed.

I was thrilled to hear Emily's disdain of games in a recent podcast episode and subsequently Franks. Finally... Can I just stop you saying? It's interesting because you hang out with quite a high-brow crowd. And that's my point is that this is my suspicion that those people, they don't need a game to talk. They're endlessly, you know, inventive.

I feel what they're doing is thinking, I'm not casting my pearls before swine. Why should they get to listen to me and my interesting talk? Play a stupid game and like you. You're probably right. Yeah, it's contempt. Finally, someone agrees with me that board games are forced fun

and should be banned from social functions. There's nothing worse than being invited over to a friend's house where the drinks are flowing and there's prime chatting opportunity and somebody suggests playing banana grams. No, I'm here to talk about why you don't think your brother's fiancé really fits in with the family. What about glandular fever?

What about it? When he says there's nothing worse. I'm also here to speculate why that person from university has decided to call her new baby Wendy in 2025. I do not want to use a little IKEA pencil to take down the last. to scores and add them up

analog style in my head this is not Bletchley Park in 1941 thank you I finally Phil Seen praise redacted 666 Well I like the sound of 666 Other things I never thought I heard

You said Bruce Dickinson once said You're looking a bit sheepish Yeah You might be a game player I'm kind of I'm game agnostic.

Like, I don't mind them. I actually quite like him sometimes. Oh, come on, make you mind up. Well, what you need is some bullet points on games. Who are you frightened off, Waddington's? Speak freely. Naturally, my natural self probably wouldn't be into them. But I've got some friends that they,

and I just sort of, I don't mind it. If people are enthusiastic about it, I can sort of channel their enthusiasm a little bit for the time that I'm playing them. So I do, I don't, but yeah, I would never probably, yeah, normally I'm not a gamer. I do have a PlayStation though, but that's sort of different. I don't mind that so much. The thing about these PlayStation ones is that feels like a very solitary activity and that's fine.

What you're saying is, look, I want to play this game and I don't want to, you know, get involved in conversation. And that's fine. My wife at her play centre. Oh, God, Frank. Oh no, placenta. Sorry, I'm mis-wrote. But it's when they make you, it's because if you don't join into that activity.

You are seeing us really sort of nasty. You know, a leech. Is that how they see us? So we've seen us quite nasty. Oh, yeah, they didn't want to play the game. What can we do to get out of it in the future? Going to the kitchen. Well, over Christmas, I sat for,

for probably 15 minutes. Just relaxing with a stormtrooper helmet on. Nothing else? No, I had my normal clothes on. I can't relax when I'm naked. No. Not at my age. Not with the helmet on.

No. And no, the helmet I found very relaxing. I really just, you know, you can just let yourself go. You don't have to do anything. You can let your. resting bitch face run free. And I sat there, it was really nice. I am, it's the sort of thing I can, it's sort of like, you know that,

those tanks that people go in, what are they called? Oh, yeah, flotation tanks. Yeah, it's like having that for your head. Yeah, it's like that for your head. Really? Oh. So I'll send you a picture because Bosn thought it was very odd that I was just sitting on the sofa.

Can you not see through the eye? You can sit through the eye. eyes but the knowledge that people can't see you. What, did you just look like, you know something like the stick or something? It was, I hope not. It was nice. It was like, you know, I was, it's the same reason people wear shades and have beards. Oh, do you think so it offers a sort of protective insulation against the world? Does makeup work like that?

Yeah, probably. I think that's absolutely what it does. I feel like that's, it's a slight mask, which is nice. Well, that's out the Stormtrooper. Easier to apply. Much less time consuming. You know, I was a football mascot once, and that was nice because I did loads of photos. No one knew it was me.

I'm telling Johnny this, because I think I've told you this story. But I was smiling for the first 20 photographs, and then I thought, why I was smiling? I was able to just glower at the camera, and it was fine. Yeah. It made me think, you know, must be great to just wear this all the time. Do you know one of the creepiest things I think they have on those sort of AI Photoshop functions is that you can add a smile to someone's face in a photo.

Don't you find that weird? Can you? The options are, they have this on FaceTune, and they have the options of smile or smirk. So if I took a photo of you and you were, let's say you'd come to one of my family members' funerals and were sad. Yeah. I could just add a smirk on your face to make you look incredibly disrespectful. People don't really do photos at funerals, do they?

No, it's so inappropriate. You get photos at weddings and stuff. No, it's very inappropriate to take photos at a funeral, don't you think? I think that is only true because people feel they have to smile in a photo. Oh, that's maybe true. Yeah, that's my view on the world. Okay. So, look, my wife.

My wife. Yeah. She went into the utility room. And she genuinely screamed. I don't think I'd ever heard a scream before. I'll admit it. But it was a real, it was quite shocking. She's not a screaming sort of a woman.

So what had happened is she makes bread, my wife. and it has to, is the term to prove, is that what it's called? Yes, that's right, is that with yeast, yeah. So she puts it in the boiler room to prove the boiler cupboard. Yeah, and leaves it for a bit and then goes there. When she went, so she screamed, so I raced in wondering, or I thought she'd, you know, hurt herself. And she said there was, she'd gone to get the,

bread at the thing and there was a rat on top of it. Oh, ratatooey. I thought, that's worth a scream. Okay, that's fine. I'd come in to check if the scream was... Was it on the bread? It was sitting on the... You put like a...

Sitting on the top of the bread. You put a teetel on the top of bread when it's proving. So not only did it have a lovely feast. It had a little duvet as well. A teet towel. Yeah, it was like... Like a tablecloth. We're off to the dry cleaners sooner.

So she said we can't use this bread now. I said, no, no, no, I'll eat it. Are you joking? I was a tea towel on top of it. Hang on, can you rewind? What happened? Did the rat scuttle away as soon as it's all over? Well, yeah, if someone screams a rat.

Yeah. But it's still in the house. It's disgusting. Well, I'll come to that. Oh, okay. So I said, I'll eat the bread. She said, no, no, I'm not cooking the bread for rats. I said, well, the rat hasn't been in contact with the actual brain.

and she said, no, I'm throwing it away. I thought it was such a waste, people in Africa, etc. And so she put it in the... You know you get these bins that you put food in for compost. Oh, yeah. So she put it in there. It was like Ghostbusters. It continued to prove, and it forced the lid open.

It was coming over the sign. I thought I sensed a heartbeat. It was, oh man, it was like it was indignant to having been been. Anyway, we got the man in. Who's the man, the pest control? Yeah, the pest control. We got five-star reviews. What is he, the rites?

Yeah, the rats. So, putting on the rats, that's what the company's called. Putting out the rats. Put it off the rats, it could be cool. They've missed a trick there. Yeah. So did he have a uniform? They just wear a polo shirt with the logo on it now.

He had a sort of a jacket with the logo on. Oh. What was the logo like? Is it a rat? Yeah, what did they have a hat? Yeah, it wasn't what it could have been. I think it was just like the name. Should have been like Ghostbusters with a rat with the red line through it.

That would have been. Yeah. I bet someone's done that. I knew a woman who did pig roasts. I'd rather not know about this after. The name of her company or pigs will fry. That's good. So go on, tell me about press control.

He wings the bell. He says, hello, Mr. Skinner. So he comes in. Is he a nice man? He seemed very chatty. And he started saying what. He said, he told me the prices of things. He said we use inhumane.

No, we use humane. Actually, I should have asked it. I should have asked how much the inhumane ones are. They were cheap, I've got to tell you. It's a rat. I wish you'd have said that. I'm so sorry, I was looking more along the inhumane lines. You read me quite wrong.

No, he uses humane rat traps. He said they don't, I mean, this is what he said to me. He said, we put stuff down. We put rat poison down. But it's humane rat poison. Does it kill them still? Humane rat poison sounds like the son of an American billionaire. Humane rat poison the third.

Anyway, he said, no, it doesn't kill them. It makes them really thirsty. It makes them thirsty, so they leave their house looking for water. Oh. But that can't be. We've got water in the house. It's like your dad on a pub crawl. Yeah.

So when they go out, then you fill up their cavities. If you can catch one. So is that what it does? It makes some... That seems humane, though. It seems to have worked. Really? Could that just send them to some, like, next door?

But that's all right. Yeah, yeah. They're going to be heading up to David Badeal's now. But I thought we could have used the bread to just put that in the cavities. The stuff that he used looked like the ever-expanding bread. Oh, really? But it seems that they've gone now. And when you get one rat, is it like mice?

where the pest control have always said to me, if you see one mice, you know, you've got a lot of them. There's never one mouse. Well, the truth is, it's very, very like mice, because when the man came and Kath described the rat, he said, no, that was a mouse. And she said, no, no, it's definitely a rat. He said, it was a mouse.

She said, I'm telling you, it was like this big, he said, I don't think it was. Really? Yeah, and I thought, more, man, this is this box going into areas I wouldn't dare fucking, I did a gig at Soho Theatre and I was sat up in their office and what I thought was a rat

walked past and I told someone I said I think you got a rat in the office I saw it just walked past the doorway and as I was talking to them it walked past again and it was a tiny tiny little mouse Yeah, that's the thing Just in the, you know, when you're alarmed imagination. I called pest control out

when I saw a squirrel once in my garden But cats was a tap by a squirrel if you're around She was I remember So in the end, we've established it. Well, he said you don't get rats that colour. Very, very rarely that was a mouse. He said, and also the excrement is mouse excrement. Right, okay.

And what do Cass say? She still doesn't believe it. Well, you know, Kath was shame-faced. Oh, God, Kat. I mean, why say it was a rat? To be fair, she was the sole lone witness. Well, exactly. So we've got, it's her word against his, and I trust Katz.

Well, no, but we've got it shit. Oh, I see. Did he examine the shit? He didn't need to. He knows. His life is ratchet. I don't mean his life is rat. That's all right. They get paid all right. Pestic trauma is getting a good wage these days. I don't know anything about his life.

I'm just saying that he deals, you know. His life is ratchet. That's a terrible indictment. Yeah, exactly. His life is... Be a nice banner thing on a poster. Something like... Something like the impoverished man,

smearheading, his life is ratchet. His wife is batchet and his life is ratchet. And his parents are catchy. They're both buried. God. It's endless. Anyway, they've gone now, the mice, open brackets, rats, close brackets. He did a good job.

If anyone wants a recommendation. You know who to call? Who are you going to call? Rat shir. Yeah, rat busters. That's what you should have called them. What you really want is if goats were in a problem, rodent problem, then goat busters,

although goat busters sounds like people who are... I have limited... Oh, my God. Songs lubricant, as the French say. Are we really going to end it on that tone? Well, I think there's nowhere to go. It's the Frank Skinner podcast A new winter change is blowing

It's the Frank Skinner podcast I'm not totally sure how it's going Thanks for listening to the podcast Make sure to like and follow So you never miss an episode And if you want to get in touch You can email the podcast via Frank off the radio Atavonuk.com