The Frank Skinner Show - Happy Birthday, Frank!

Episode Date: January 30, 2026

Frank and Emily are joined by Sara Barron. It's Frank's 69th Birthday but his day hasn't started very smoothly. There's also a middle class theft and we hear from the Outside World. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's Frank Off the Radio, Frank O. It's the Frankskinner podcast, don't you know? This is Frank Off the Radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Sarah Barron. He's with us. Follow the podcast on X&Inns. Instagram. You can email the podcast via Frank off the radio at Avalonuk.com. As for WhatsApp. If you want to talk about sonnets, so hyacus, a free verse, so bullets. If you've ever been I've been given someone else is a war trophy. Then you should message 07457474-1-7679. Oh, lovely. That's Joseph Fieler, JP.

Was Gugu Dells a thing over here? Yes, I was... That felt very... Gougu dolls, 1998 to me, in a great way. But, you know, everything is something. Everything is something. Yeah, everything is something. t-shirt with that one. Oh, maybe not. I don't know. I feel like maybe that's just one of the things

that like falls out of your mouth and people go, that's so bright. And then if it's on your chest, it's like, all right. What is on your chest? At my age, I'm afraid that's drool. What age are you, Frank? I'm 69 today. Yay. Happy birthday. And it's left a pretty bitter taste in my mouth. I'll tell you that. You got some nice presents already today. Well, I've got a letter. I've got a, I haven't got a letter. Right, Neville Chamberlain. I've got, I've got a book from a book from a little bit. I've got a book from a little bit of a book. I've got a from Emily about a woman who's having a love affair with Herbert Ask with the British Prime Minister. Which I never had him down as a letharia. No, I didn't either.

No. I never had that down as a potential subject for a book either. A doctor who pen from Emily that's got a darlet that goes up and down in the fluid. You know those pens when people move up and down in the fluid? The originals It was rude ladies Used to be a woman's LBD

Her little black dress That used to slide on and off Did you ever get those in America They're probably around I don't know that I interacted with them Quite as much as maybe They were penes And they weren't very nice, Frank

Well they're ladies' boobs No no to be fair As I recall them The underwear was intact No the ones I saw were the actual Ladies boobs You were down in London Wait, hold on. So was the bottom coming up or was the top coming down?

Were you seeing... You held the pen up and initially she had a dress on. The ones we had, she had a sort of basque on or sort of underwear. You'd moved the pen. Again, I say, North London. What is a bask, Emily? A basque is like a corset. I can imagine one of the dinner parties at your house.

Yes, Primrose has got some pen work this week. I mean, she's rather pleased about it. She's been at the gym all bloody day, but, you know, she's looking pretty good on the floating plastic minidress front. Oh, you've absolutely nailed it. What is your t-shirt, which I do like? Is it a cowboy character? Is it a birthday t-shirt? It's, um, it, I saw it and I thought this combines two of my great passions.

It's a cowboy on a horse who's seeing a flying saucer. Yeah. In the distance. That's so you. Is there anyone else who would buy that or just you, I think? I think it's only you. Maybe. Yeah, I think that only was one.

I really like that T-shirt. It's just that what I would say, Emily, is less about the design. But more that the color palette is prohibitive for most people other than Frank, who appears not washed out by it. Lovely observation. Right? Should we describe it's sort of a beige, it's just a beige. I think, you're just a beige.

I think it would Faramble would call it elephant's breath. Definitely, Frank. You're wearing elephant's breath. I think on the website it was called latte. Of course. I just think an old man in a t-shirt looks like when you see those people in the southern states of America sitting on the porch of what I believe is called the shotgun shack.

Yes. And you know they've got their long johns on underneath, but they've just got the top. part, visible. Yeah, that's how I'm seeing it. It's hard to look good in a t-shirt at 69, that's all I'm saying. Did you have a nice birthday morning, though? Did you get nice presents? No. Oh. Why? I didn't have time to open even a card at home because I had to write an angry letter to my son's school. That is how my birthday has gone. Is it personal? Are the details as to what the content of the angry letter was, is that personal?

I don't suppose I should air it, at some point I might involve the police. Anyway, I don't mean the band. You're not going to have Sting turning up, trying to sort it out. Or Gordon, does he call himself Gordon now? He should do. I think he's stuck with Sting, so to speak. It's hard to shrug off Sting, isn't it?

Yeah, that's true. The artist formerly known as Sting. We're not buying that one twice. Are you always the angry letter writer in your family? No, I never. My problem is I'm very amiable and reasonable at the school. Oh, at the school. I'm glad you said that because I was getting a bit confused.

And as you know, the truth to being a successful parent at the North London school is to be as obnoxious as you possibly can. Thus, then, you get things done. Yeah. But, you know, it doesn't come naturally to me. Uh-huh. Anyway, let's not dwell on that. No.

It's my birthday. I've had some nice presents, and the birthday proper, I guess, will start sometime. I love the way you said, it's my birthday. I know. It's adorable. Do you like a birthday? I love, generally. I love a birthday if I'm not writing heartfelt complaints.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Frank is someone who still experiences quite childlike glee at certain things. And I would, you know, like you love it. If you get sent something very small, like one sweet, or you'll get very excited about that. I really like getting presents. Yeah, very, very odd.

Indeed. I'm the same. Some people really enjoy thinking about what other people would want. Yeah, I don't do much of that. Yeah, I just like to get. I do quite a lot of thinking about what other people have got. Uh-huh, uh-huh. No, I don't.

Do you actually? No. Oh, let me tell you something else that happened in my lovely week. Go on. Is that I was on the boss and I got an email from my local crime prevention group. Oh, did you? What did they have to say? It was a photograph of my car with the back window smashed in.

Was this from the last time? This has happened again? This is, well, no, it wasn't broken last time. I didn't tell you this before, didn't I? No, but you told us about that. Oh, it's been stolen twice? Yeah, it was stolen. Your car was stolen twice?

Yes. And now the window's been smashed. What's going on with your car? It wasn't a parcel shelf theft, was it? Of course, it was parcel shelf. I'm obsessed with parcel shelf. I'm obsessed with parcel shelf. I've never heard the phrase parcel shelf.

I don't know what you're talking about. We've had about 20 in all streets. Do you drive? No. Okay, do you have a call in the family? No. Okay. Sorry.

What shall we talk about now? Horses. No. Frank, I'm obsessed. Let's talk about the hand cart. Parcel shelf theft I'm obsessed with because it's all that's on our WhatsApp group. Oh my God, they've taken the parcel shelf last night. We have a man who says, I come to this street all the time.

Do you have this as well, Frank, then? Oh. So what, where you put the luggage in the back of a car? There's like a plastic cover that slides on and off. That is the parcel. I admit, I've never put a fucking pasta on it in my life. Who am I? Some sort of weird delivery.

Oh, sort of daddy warbox coming back with parcels and packages from Hamby's. I'm just leaving for the airport in Home Alone. Anyway, it's called a parcel shell. So someone smashed my back window in and took the parcel shelf out. But why do people want a parcel shelf? Because, well, let me give you an example. I drive a Lexus, right? I don't mean a Lexus as of that woman, that woman from dynasty.

I drive a Lexus. I'm going to continue with this story despite that sort of. Anyway, I drive, and so I had a look to see what a new parcel shelf from Lexus would cost. How much? 805. Shut up. No. No wonder they're stealing them.

So that's why they're stealing them. And someone helpfully said to me. I mean, oh, they've got them on eBay for 200 quid. I said, I'm not running the risk that I'm buying my own back. So if they do. It's not like a hostage thing where I give in and send them the money. And what they do, sir, we've had an R Street. Sometimes three will happen in a night because then they're making a very sizable profit

if they can steal three or four in a night in one street. But the idea that there's some on eBay, the only way that could not be illegal, is somebody's looked at their car and thought, you know, we don't really transport that many parcels anymore. I might sell the shelf. My parcel shelf. I might sell the shelf on fucking eBay. That'd be a good idea.

Give them money to Blue Peter. How is it, do you have to have a nice car for the parcel shelf to be worth that amount of money? You tend to have a bigger car more like a four-by-four SUV type of bar. But you can still get, you know, reasonable money for a parcel shelf. But they're going to target a slightly newer, nicer car because they'll get more money. But it is the thing that you use to, you know,

that you leave in your car. Most of valuable you take out. So we've only just got used to the idea that it's valuable enough to be stolen. Okay. So I know you see people walking away from their cars in my road with their fucking parcel shelf onto their arm. So that's what you're going to have to do now, Frank.

Well, as you say, I've had my car stolen twice. I think it's like, have ever heard that old Johnny Cass song? It's about a bloke who builds a car. He works in a car. factory and he keeps sneaking bits of the car and it sort of goes, I took it one piece at a time and it didn't cost me a dime. I think they're stealing my car now in installments. You know, the wing mirrors are going to go eventually it'll be me driving in a sort of clown car. You're going to be Fred Flintstone with your feet on the ground. Exactly. That's how it's going to go.

Oh, it's a shame. So I had to do that thing. It was raining, of course. So I had to go out with two bin bags and some gaffer tape and tape them over the back window. Oh, that's so tacky as well, no offence. But when I see that bin bags on the window, oh no, it looked terrible.

How long did they stay on for? Well, the thing was that I called up, obviously, and said, look, my car's been broken into. Can you replace the winter? And they said, we'll send someone in 48 hours. So anyway, the bloke came. And he said, I've got the windscreen, but it's scratched. If I was you, I wouldn't have it.

He said, but I can do like a nicer version of this. So he did a slightly neater plastic bag off and above window. He came in. Not only did he not have the window, but he fucking dissed my, plastic bag work. I hope he didn't have to pay him for labour to tidy up the plastic bag. So is he from the insurance company? Well, he's from, the insurance company used this.

This repair service. Did he do a much better job than you yourself? He did. Of course he did. Of course he did. Let's not beat around the bush here. Of course he did. He knew what he was doing.

Mine was like, old man lives in Shep in the woods work. Yours was stick of the dump. But his was very neat. Anyway Oh, fact, it's a horrible feeling that, though. How dare they the parcel shelf thieves? Evan Davis did a big, it was on Radio 4 the other night. That's how middle class this theft is.

Oh, God. I had it on my WhatsApp group. Just to let everyone know, Evan is discussing it's currently on Radio 4. Well, the thing is, obviously I'm not going to buy another parcel shelf because it'll just mean the car gets smashed in again for that. because I won't remember to take it out. Anyway, it's the new thing. The last time when the car was stolen, Sarah, the coppers said to me,

oh, you've got a Lexus. Just, they've just edged ahead of Land Rover, the most stolen cars in London. Like my team had just gone to the top of the Champions League. Yeah, yeah. I mean, great. I'd overtaken. There's an ad.

We'll take them on the corner. Great, no, my car will be stolen more than their car. I wonder if David Badell gets these issues with his car. He had a car stolen. Did he? A whole car. In the days of the whole car. How do you get your car back when it gets stolen?

You have a tracker on it, so they can tell you where it is. You should get one for your dog, actually. My dog ran away and we lost it for several hours, and then we got a tracker, so now you can see him on your phone or her. Her. Yeah. Raised too small to wear a tracker. Really?

Yeah, they don't make them small enough for him. So if he's lost that, you just get a new one. It's just, I'm afraid, you know, shit out. It's going to take a while to get lost, because he's quite short legs. Oh, I was going to say he doesn't respectfully seem like the kind of guy who would really take off in a dangerous way, right? Slightly less respectfully. How dare you? Poppy saw a rat on the heath and she ran after the.

And that's how it happened. She's a quick move. The dog's fucking chasing rats. I'm like Bill Sykes now. I'm out with my dog chasing rats in the street. She's a quick mover though. Come here, bull's-eye! And when I took David out, you know, when David came on my podcast.

David Bedeal? Yes. And Frank very kindly allowed David to borrow his dog, which was very generous. Uh-huh. And I was nervous. I won't lie. because she can go, Poppy. And I felt she was sort of bonded with me,

but she seemed a bit confused by David. What I'm saying is I don't think he... Well, he is. Cat, man. Oh, is that really? There I've given his secret identity there. Does he have more than one? No, his wife family will be prey to villains

who he's put in prison with his crime-fighting skills. Did you see Frank on Catman? Oh, no, it doesn't have crime fighting. He just strokes cats. Frank was on Catman. I don't know what Catman. Catman is a Channel 4 show. David Bedillo's documentary about you've guessed it.

Cats. Really? Yeah. Huh. Yeah. And Frank's on it. And he is started by saying, I don't like cats. I don't say I don't like.

True? You're just being, are you being difficult? I don't like them. I don't like them much. No, no, sinister. You think so? I don't need another sinister presence in the house. Not now I'm married

Oh my God This episode is supported by TV licensing Your TV licence means you can watch a whole range of live TV channels Including BBC ITV and Channel 4 Plus you can catch up on any shows you've missed on IPlayer As we're being supported by TV licensing I think we should talk about what TV we've been watching Yes, I'll tell you what I've been watching.

Yes, I'll tell you what I've been. watching David Bedele's Catman. I know you're familiar with this, Frank. We should say it's a three-part documentary about cats because David thinks there are too many dog-based formats around, none taken. And it's actually a really lovely show. He goes to visit, I've just seen the first episode, he goes to meet various high-profile cats and their owners,

Jonathan Ross, Ricky Javis, and the legendary Frank Skinner popped up. Yes, I don't have a cat, can I say? And I was offended that he suggested that he and I co-owned a cat, which I would never own a cat. Well, what I loved is you started it in a very off-brown way, and I loved this show because Frank said, look, I don't love cats. Oh, my God, this show's called Catman, Frank. When I arrived on set, I said to the entire crew, I bet you will be putting this one on your CVs, which was that started the day well. Then Frank said, my other favourite bit of the whole show, and I know I'm biased, but was Frank saying, look, addressing the audience, I don't want you to think David's desperate doing this.

Well, I don't want them to think that. But anyway, I did, even though I'm a dog obsessive, I did really enjoy it. And I would really recommend it. I loved it. Just because David's genuine, it isn't it a genuine obsession that shines through, doesn't it? No, it's a genuine obsession. I'm going to give you my honest opinion. I'd like it better.

if there was no cats in it. I've been watching Gladiators, which I love. Yeah, you love that, do you? I love with Bradley and Barney. I like the fact that Barney's on it. And this is Bradley's son, we should say. Yeah, so he gets some of the old, you know, oh yeah, well, we know how he got the job.

But it reminds me when I used to live in Smethy. And in order to get a job on the bins, you needed an uncle who worked on the bins. And because it's in showbiz, people think it's bad. It's good enough for the bins. I just love all these really big, muscular people who've given... What I like especially, they have shots of them in their green room sitting around, and they have a big, like, staged losses of temper.

Like, Viper came off, he's so angry, he kicked a yoga ball. I mean, it's great. Mark Clattenberg is the referee. Oh, yes. a former Premier League referee. I'm familiar. With all the incompetence that that suggests. I'm going to start watching

it, Frank, largely for the Disney Rages. I enjoy that. Mark, the way that he says gladiators, ready, he has to say, when he says ready, he has to say it at the side of his mouth, like he's doing it a bit sneakily, like he's not supposed

to be saying ready, but he's going to risk it. But no, it's endless fun for all the family. Anyway, your TV license covers you for over 400 TV channels and everything on BBCI player on any device. For more information, visit tvl.co.com. Anyway, what's the outside world up to? You don't want to hear about me, me, me.

The birthday boy, it's you, you today, Frank. That's the whole shebang. By the way, before we got onto this, talking of birthdays and dogs, Do you celebrate Poppy's birthday? Does Bells do anything? Well, when I got in yesterday, there was a parcel that said birthday treat and I thought, wow, that's great.

And it was Bella and Duke, are they called? The McDouged food had sent Poppy her birthday treat. Oh, had they? Like a big bag of treats. It wasn't for me. The dog's presents arrived. March is her birthday. I love that you know that.

Adorable. Okay. This is from. Damn? But yes, I do celebrate. And can I tell you the last time, I, you know, when you catch yourself doing something, I caught myself writing a fucking card for the dog. Frank, come on, man. It will happen to you. No, I'm not going to do that. What did you say to her? Thank you for being our dog. Uh-huh. And how was the, did you read it allowed to her? Did you hand her the card? Um, what happened to that card, Frank?

I think I posted it into a sleeping cage. You know a sleeping cage. Well. She's got a cage that she sleeps in. I appreciate him calling it a cage. I don't appreciate it. It's a cage. It's a cage.

But Boz went into the cage a while back. And he stuck two pictures of dogs on the wall. It's so sweet. And I said that's where I make a feel at home. And I found that he got on. the internet and it was actually her mom and dad. He'd put their pictures on the wall. I'm actually, things like that made me cry.

I can't bear it. It's so cute. I'm actually crying. Look, I've got tears in my eyes. Yeah. You guys are both very easily moved. It's very sweet. It's not a criticism.

It's a compliment. Things like that move me too much forwards. This is from Dan. Hi, when my dog, an Italian Spinoe, do you know Spinoe's beautiful dog? That's the kind of dog I would have gotten left to my own devices. They're gorgeous. They're so funny and weird. Very elegant and chic. Yeah. If anyone had offered me that, I'd have asked for Parmesan.

Oh, thank. Honestly, I've never heard of us. Why, no one's going to offer you that. Spinoe. So when my dog in Italian Spinoe was a puppy, I was walking him around Newcastle Central Station. A gentleman of the street came across and made a fuss of him, asking his name, breed, and general puppy related questions. I told you I hate that ass for name thing. Why would you want it? The dog doesn't know its fucking name.

Why do you need to know? He doesn't like it. And yet he still does send a card saying thank you for being my dog. Yeah. I chatted with him for a bit about the dog. My dog. Or someone else's. I chatted with him for a bit about the dog.

He then dropped the stinger of how much we paid for him. This was a subject I brought up last week, wasn't it? Yeah, never asked me. Never asked that. Upon hearing the cost, now as Spanoni, that's not a cheap card. It's going to be north of one. one would imagine.

As soon as my mouth said the amount of pounds, Dan, I love how coy you are, suggesting you're possibly middle class. He won't tell us, he answered, look, to be honest, if you can afford that, then you will have a few quid for a cupper. Yeah. He had me totally disarmed, and I gave him all the change I had. Yeah. Wow.

Thank you, Dan. What do you think of that tactic, Frank? I don't think you're loving it. Well, I don't think it necessarily follows. if you buy your family a dog, that means you should give money to strangers. I respectfully disagree. Yeah, of course.

If you're spending 1,500 quid on a dog, get this guy? I'm 1500 quid. I love it. When people bolst the stuff to back up their argument, it was a grand before. No, she said upwards of 1K. That could be £1.1.

I think that dog could have been $2K. I'm not kidding. I think you'll find, I said. in the manner of a finance, bro, north. You did say north. So we don't know how far north, though. That was very cool, Emily. Oh, did you like it?

North of 1K. So you were saying? Oh, yeah, I just, I think like, of course, yeah, that's the whole point. You could easily, you could easily give that guy 40 pounds, is the truth. You could, and I feel like give it to the guy who was clever enough to make the point. Okay. Oh, I like that. How is this even a debate?

I really hope you're. approached on the way back to the tube station. I'd like to see this in living action. I'm not saying I would do it. Oh, wow. I'm just saying it. The question is, can you afford it? The answer is, yeah, not every day.

But I'd be like, I respect your game. Take 40 pounds. And, like, have a decent hour of your life. I would say, you start telling people your dog's name. You end up giving them 40 quits. Well, this is why. but also, look, he's got his tactic and it worked for him.

Ruth Jordan, Frank, has got in touch about your birthday. She's a regular of ours from way back. And the lovely thing, she'll always remember your birthday. She's very loyal. God bless her. He's saying it very wistfully. He looks into the middle distance.

It's so strange Dickens character. It's lovely. I just wanted to wish, Frank. I want to. Cross over into Jordan. Go on. Good. I just wanted to wish Frank a very happy birthday.

He shares his birthday with my brother Ian and with St Thomas. Finally, I didn't see that on the internet when they listed people I share my birthday. Ian Jordan. Ian Jordan, do we think? Possibly. Could be amazing. And with St. Thomas Aquinas, of course. Yes.

As Frank will be turning 69, I wanted to check if he thinks that answering the question, How old are you? It's going to cause him any problems over the next 12 months. Does he intend to give his answer in the style of that sleazy WhatsApp jingle for the podcast that he keeps accidentally pressing?

It could get creepy. Anyway, happy birthday. I'll tell you, Ruth, we were in Spiritland proper before this because this is a boil on the backside of the actual cafe, the studio.

We were in Straitland proper and Rachine Connety and Joe Wilkinson were in here. And Rachine sang a very loud and hearty, happy birthday to me. Joe ran and heard when she did that. And everyone applauded in Spiritland. I didn't think they had applause in them. They were so cool. And I raised my hands in jubilation.

I was going to shout 69. But there were women looking at me who I thought, Am I declaring that this is what I want for my birthday? It's not right. So I said nothing. It's the only way to play it. It's my New Year's Resolution, when in doubt, say nothing. How's it going for you?

Pretty good, actually. Is it? I'm, yeah, I'm saving all the good stuff for my letters to the school. Oh, Frank. Anyway. You see, what else is happening in the outside world? Well, what do you think of this? This is from Elaine M, dear Frank Emily, and your VVIP guest.

Elaine M. Having just returned from getting the Sunday papers, I've been quite amused by Frank's recent bafflement at people still buying newsprint. This was born, we've touched on this before, but Frank was surprised when his mother-in-law... My mother-in-law said, well, you get me a Sunday Times while you're out. And I said, they still exist like that in paper shops.

I thought they were just online. So Elaine is making the point. She refers to your bafflement at people still buying newsprint, especially as I gaze upon his byline picture in his current column for the observer. Then she says, But most of the stuff I work in art. Let's the lady finish.

Let the lady finish. First it was basball. This is the theme of your column, she's referring to, I assume. That's some cricket things there. Okay. Today it's golden balls. Assume that's Brooklyn Beckham. Yes.

And I wonder what will be the third ball to drop in future musings. Bray's redacted from a very long time reader in Oktreira. What's that, Frank? Is it Germany? How are things in Oktreada? I don't know. Okay.

Is it a branch of Rada? Where it's like there are eight in the group. Oktre Rada. And they operate in this room above a... of pop. And they're like, do you remember those artists who didn't get into the main, what they called the Salonde Refuse or something? Oh, yeah.

They didn't get into the, they didn't get into the main exhibition. Right, we should have called this podcast Salon de Refuse. Yeah, but you know my fans won't stand for stuff like that. It needed to be called Big Cocks and football. You're not doing this. That's not your fans. They're very culture.

Hello and welcome to Big Cocks and Football. This week, I guess, are... If it was called that, we'd be... Oh my man, the first hour of the podcast had just been me reading our adverts. People would be so keen to be part of that. I didn't know that's how he saw himself. It really is how he sees himself.

That's so interesting. Yeah. I think I missed that side of you. I got to know you at a different vintage, I think. Yeah, you never saw that. No, I didn't know that. I mean, I've been trying to shrug it off for about 25 years. I think you've done well.

Yeah, I think you have. But now maybe what you're saying is you kind of wish you hadn't stretched. No, what I'm saying is I'm, there are many who are angry that I've evolved. Yeah. I once heard a Radio 4 documentary about a bloke who was an expert on sea an enemies. And the woman said, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but how do you know whether they're dead or alive? because they're swirled by the waves. He said growth.

If there's no growth, it's dead. Amen. Oh, God, there's my act. Oh, God. God's sake. Hey, no wonder I'm doing newspapers. I'm just working in things that no one is interested in any. Well, I have to say, I love a weekend newspaper.

Okay. Do you get the observer? Not anymore. Fucking thanks for that. Okay, but I'll start if it'll mean something to you. Which is not anymore? We did for, and then we moved, and one of the things that went when we moved was like, oh, do we still need to keep getting the Sunday paper?

I would like to, I like it. When did you move to Mayfair? So you thought maybe we should switch to the telegraph. I'd love the idea of switching your paper, depending on the area. Well, I did that. I used to read the Smethic Telephone and now I read the London Evening Standard. I think that's reasonable. But for a national newspaper, it's eccentric behavior.

No, no, no. It was more like the, you know, you just, you sometimes one change in your life prompts and appraisal, an audit. Yes. Of course. Oh, do we really still need a paper, even though it would be the same paper? Right. Would you like me to start getting it delivered? No.

Look at your little face every Sunday? No. No, no. Your sweet little. Is it a nice, is it a nice byline picture? They haven't gone for Julie Birchel. one taken in the 70s have they? I think everyone in their byline pictures in the press

are at least 10 years younger than they are. I don't know where this picture came from, but I'm robbing my chin sort of like slightly ha-ha. You're an intellectual. Yeah, well, it's more like I'm a bit wistful about the world. Do you know what? I'm glad they didn't do for it. I'm glad they didn't pull one of those three lines one up. No.

You know, like if you'd have had a football shirt and punch it, you know. And crop David out of it. That would have been cheap. You know when they do a drawing, I'd like one of those. Yes, they do that with restaurant columns sometimes. Do they? I like that. Oh, God.

What about when I went out for a friend who was a restaurant critic? And we went to a Hungarian restaurant. And the guy came over and says, oh, Mr. Skinner's such an honor to have you in there. And then she said, this is going to be. I've got to tell you. This is going to be a really bad review. The food's not great. And I said, don't to that to me.

This guy's been really nice to me. And now I'm going to be part of this. I feel like I'm trapped in this Hungarian restaurant in some sort of goulash archipelago. Of course, you put that in the bloody article as well. But it is a bad thing. I mean, I wouldn't want to be a restaurant critic because people come off.

Oh, I love. Thank you so much for it. And then you slag them off. But that's why I've never, you know, how the restaurant review of Marina O'Lockland never lets anyone see what she looks like. Oh, is that right? But she's going in disguise then.

Yeah, like, you can't find any pictures of her. And I've always thought, oh, how is any restaurant reviewer? Yes. Worth their salt. Yeah. Ever allowed themselves. Allowed them sold by. They're salt-free.

It's the only way to do it. That's what they are. But they love, I think these people, they made me think that a lot of restaurant reviewers are maybe not great people. Because I think it's people who, like, love the song and dance. around them and like to watch people trying to please them in a way that maybe reflects quite poorly on them. Well, I'm not a restaurant critic, but I'm feeling strangely guilty around this description. Well, my friend who did, it was one of the nicest people I've ever known, but she also

believed she believed fiercely in the truth. So she wrote some lovely praising restaurant reviews and some annihilations. Did you always agree with her opinion? Well, I don't really... You don't have that into food, though. I think if you is not loving it. No, he sees it very much as fuel. He doesn't have an emotional relationship.

I don't think I'm going to be a restaurant, critic. You can't start everyone with... Not a fan of food myself, but people don't want that. Food is... They really want to believe that everyone really cares about doing... What's that thing when you cook something and then you cook it again to make it smaller and then you cook it again?

A reduction. Yeah, very good, Frank. Walk off. Look at you. Damn you for doing a reduction. I hope it explodes hot in your faces. Oh my gosh. Anyway.

He hates it. Isn't there enough reduction in this world of oceans? He doesn't specifically hate reductions, but I think it represents what he hates about food culture. Am I right? It's the idea that knowing about food is like knowing about... Shakespeare or whatever. Yeah.

Yeah. I know what you mean. I know what you mean. Come off, have some crisps and sure up. It's a bit woodwork GCSE. Yeah. Isn't it? Well, I'd rather do it.

But you know what I mean? At my school, we did sewing. I've still got the pencil. I've still got the pencil case. I still use it. Did you do woodwork? Isn't that awful, Frank? I did sewing.

Oh, well, but it was like that in those days. Yeah, in those days it was like we think you should do sewing girls. It would be useful for you when you're older. This was in, you know, the West Midlands. I did woodwork. fighting, spitting, and looking at girly calendars. I think that's one of my CSEs. Look at the man. Look at the man, it's me.

Yeah, exactly. Did you do home economics, Frank? No. Okay, we did. That's how to run a home. I mean, it's crazy because I lived on my own for years. I would have been genuine. I never, in all the time I lived in that bed seat,

I never did a bit of fucking woodwork. but I really could have I didn't think Oh you know what Why buy a new wardrobe Oh fucking mate I never thought that But I did think

I'll just wish for a change I could make some of it And maybe an omelette even Would be a nice change From these sandwiches Every night But now I think young Young men are leaving

With those skills At their fingertips Aren't they No Soing in Home Act now I mean none of us None of us know because none of us have kids.

Well, is Buzz at a stage where he would... Buzz does cooking as a sort of a... What they call choice on Friday. Friday. Is he more into food than you? No. No, no, no, no. Because Cath isn't a big supporter.

No, Kathy's anti-food. Katz's food is the enemy. Yeah, yeah. I think I once came to your house. I don't see it as the enemy. I see it as that dull neighbor. Yeah. You see it like buying petrol.

from the petrol station. Yeah, exactly, like that. Except at least I can remember inside, the hole is in me, which I could never fucking remember in my car. I've had this car for three and a half years. I still part the wrong side of the bloody... But you've got the arrow. Why don't you take advantage of the arrow?

Because I can never remember whether the arrow is pointing at which way the petrol goes or where the pump is or what. Do you know this? Yeah, the arrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The man who invented that died recently. It was very sad. I read about that.

Who invented the arrow? He invented the arrow. He was working at something like Ford and he said, this is a great idea. You should have an arrow where the petrol gauge is telling people why to park. Did he get very rich after that? No, he didn't. It was just part of his...

Legacy. Yeah. Yeah, but when they buried in that, they took the bottom off the coffee instead of the top. Here we go. There we go. It's a great thing to leave behind, though, isn't it, the arrow.

I mean, I think it's a good thing. If I could just work out what it meant. Frank, they so should have had those chevrons on the coffin. You're right, that would have been a nice touch. My main, you know that camera that tells you about parking, so you can see the back of your car? So that was stuck, that was stocked to my windscreen, the windscreen that got smashed.

So when I approached the car, it was just dangling, you know, like a hanging man. Anyway, when the guy came and fixed my windscreen, and I said, it's still dangling. He said, yeah, you need some double-sided tape to put on it. I said, hold on, don't you bring that? He said, no, we don't carry that, mate. So it's still dangling.

So when I look in that camera, it's like top of the pops 19-70s. It's been swirling. There's the back of my head. There's a car going past on my left. There's a bit of broken glass in the bottom of the... There's where the parcel shelf used to be. I get a full-rounded, centauron vista of the inside of my car. I might leave it the way it is.

It's the Frank Skinner podcast. A new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via Frank Off the Radio at avalonuK.com.