The Frank Skinner Show - Jelly

Episode Date: July 28, 2025

Frank has seen a novelty item in a charity shop. Pierre and Emily have been for a lovely day out. And we hear from the Outside World. Send us your correspondence to [e-mail] or Whatsapp us on 07457 417 769. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I'm Chris Hadfield, astronaut and citizen of planet Earth. Join me on a journey into the systems that power the world. No politics, just real conversations with real people shaping the future of energy. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. This is Frank off the radio, I'm joined by Emily Dean and Piano Veli. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via frankofftheradio avalonuk.com you can whatsapp us on 07457417769 so we'd have a straight one this week yeah it's been a while it's been a while since I've had a straight one. What even is that? See what I don't know. What even is that? Oh, I tell you what I saw in a charity shop.

What about this for a novelty item? What? I saw a set of four line of duty pencils. What? I want those. I want to get my hands on those. No, I don't know. All the ins and outs.

I watched the first series of line of duty. Did you like it? It was brilliant, but it disturbed me. What do you mean? It was quite violent, there's dead bodies and all that. I don't need that. I might as well watch the fucking Joker. So Line of Duty pencils, they were advertised as that,

four Line of Duty pencils. Were they in a pencil case or a case? No, they were in an elastic band. If there had been a display case, that had been lost in transit. Okay. But one of them said line of duty. Yeah. Bitroot one. I thought for the line of duty pencil. What did the other one say? Mother of God. Okay. AC12. Yes, AC12. Anti-corruption. Yeah, and the other one said, nicking bent coppers. Yeah, that's what AC12 do. Okay.

And so that's the anti-corruption department of the police. That's what they do, they investigate corrupt police officers. Yeah. Okay. Can I be honest? I actually quite like the sound of these pencils and I wish you'd bought them for me. Well it was in Cheltenham so they might have gone. Of course it was in Cheltenham.

But it's alright if you're writing and you've got Lion of Duty, we all think you're a Lion of Duty fan, but if you've just got like Mother of God on your pencil, what are people going to think then? They'll think you're an enthusiastic Marian. You sat next to the Virgin Mary in school. You probably did. What an interesting piece of merch. What an interesting thing to be bothered to go and give to a shop. Just four pencils. Well of course I've got lots of errands to run today. Obviously the case, God these four pencils are really cluttering up the place. Why? You absolutely... I can't move for these bloody pencils.

I said get them up the charity shop. Why wouldn't you just? I've lost the display case. Why the fucking display case? Here, here, get that off the broccoli. Why wouldn't you just hang on to the pencils and think, oh I'll use these? Use them?

That's what happens with pencils, they get shorter and then they disappear. Anyway. Weird. I mean, I don't know when, would they have been some sort of celebratory thing given out at an after show to a member of the cast? Possibly. Possibly they could have been production merch.

I mean, they were like four quid. Four? Yeah. Pound a pencil. That's a bit much. Yeah. Oh, that's it. That's pricey, isn't it? Yeah.

It's pricey given that their provenance will slowly be erased as you use them. Yeah, well, literally. Yeah. But, you know, you're helping. Also, we don't know. We don't know their provenance. You're helping the poor children. Don't say that in that way.

Don't forget that. That is one of the things. Yeah, that's true. You're helping the poor children. Don't say that in that way. Don't forget that. That is one of the things. Yeah, that's true. But we don't know that they're genuine bona fide merchandise either. Someone could have just decided to have those printed on pencils. Weird, wouldn't it? I hadn't thought of that, almost, really.

I like the idea of someone telling them about a series of incredibly long-winded scams. Here's the fix. Right line of duty on a lot of pencils. I wrote down the things that were on them, but I didn't use one of the pencils, can I make that clear? They weren't mine. I didn't want to rob the charity. You don't use things in shops. I think you're very rule-bound and well behaved in shops, aren't you? I'm a very rule-bound person. So for example, Harald Complow. As I always say, I never ever have after-eight.

No. Until after-eight. For example. I mean, that's the kind of things I do. I am slightly rule-obsessed. So for example, if you're going around a supermarket, well imagine that you were. Yeah, okay. I do go around the supermarket sometimes. And okay so there was a piece of fruit you're absolutely starving your blood sugar was dropping you were gonna pay for these items hear me out and one

tiny grape you know on a grape and the end of the stick you sometimes get the tiniest bubble of a grape would you break that off and eat it? No I wouldn't. You know it's not worth... I don't want to go to prison for a wrinkled grape. Hasn't stopped some people. Didn't stop Greg. Frank. Oh my god. Anyway, I thought if anyone knows about the line of duty pencil range, I hope they haven't been just printed by someone. No, that is very strange.

You very rarely get much for sort of crime dramas. Exactly. Especially British ones. Can you get one for when grandmothers kill? Do you think the true crime drama? I'm sure you could get some sort of like a trouser protector for your bike. Lived when grandmothers kill. Oh, fabulous. A when grandmothers kill tea cozy for a present for elderly relatives.

Let me just go into the attic and find my Midsomer Murders branded crossbow. They probably do do Midsomer Murders. They're lavender scented. Sorry. They probably do do Midsomer Murders merchandise. Midsomer Murders is absolutely massive in Germany. Is it really? They love it.

Do they dub it then? Oh, that'd be good, wouldn't it? I'm not sure actually if they dub it. It was on TV once. They're so impressed by the idea of killing being seasonal instead of all the year round. Yeah, it's only one day. It's extraordinary. It was on TV once and a German friend of mine came in the room and saw it on TV and went, ah, Inspector Barnaby dressed in my name. That one.

Why do people love Midsomer murders, Frank? I've never seen it. It's very satisfying. It's a bit like Colombo, sort of quite circular, it's quite tween. Can't be as good as Colombo. Is it like Bergerac though? They're all like that. Oh, okay.

People like stuff about murder, it's their favorite thing. Well I like real murder, I don't like made up ones. John Nettles has the perfect voice for musing to yourself as a detective. Oh. Where you sort of initially you're talking to your partner and then you drift off and go why would they keep the wine in the greenhouse? He he a, he's not a notepad man then? Nettles? No.

You see because Colombo operates on his own, he actually writes down notes and I like, you know I love a notepad. Yeah. So he gets a very small pencil. I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't say Nick in Bank Coppers if he looked any closer. I liked him though he was something of a chaotic intellectual in his own way Colombo. I remember Dixon and Doc Green one of the original TV shows which was in black and white. He used to come up with he used to talk to camera at the beginning. I don't like it.

The Twilight Zone. So he would walk up to the front and he's, I mean he had a full police constable uniform, he was like 68 and he used to say, one of them started, you know there's nothing worse than a bent copper. Of course let's hope he meant corrupt in those days. We can't be sure. He was old back then. I'm afraid he wasn't. Now reminded. He wasn't known for his tolerance. This episode, Dixon of Dockereen, takes the bludgeon to a lot of miners.

So yeah, so then the Nickenbank coppers was, it was a TV cop tradition. Okay. You said a mouthful. I had something I actually wanted to discuss with you both. I'm always happy to discuss things with you Emily Dean. Well I met up with Pierre this week Frank. Oh well I didn't know that was going, oh that's like when you're at school and two of the kids have gone to the chip shop and didn't tell you that they were going and you're in the playground on your own thinking, where's

Emily and Pierre gone? You were alone in your castle. Yeah. Do you know, increasingly, I think this is a problem. I've stopped getting FOMO by the way. I used to get very extreme FOMO. Oh yeah, fear of missing out. If I wasn't invited to something, I'd feel very sad and I'd think I actually I'd have the

opposite problem I think. Jo Mo? Yeah I have Jo Mo. What is Jo Mo? Joy of missing out. Oh I see. So if friends are all getting together and I find out I'm not included I think oh yes. You don't. I do and it's because I can't be bothered to leave the house. It sounds awful but I just think I don't have to put my makeup on, I don't have to drive somewhere, I like it. Right. Yeah. Oh no, I think I still...

Do you still feel that? It's one issue, I've got a lot of issues but that's one I've never really had. Well if a bunch of my old friends get together it's generally a seance. Well they're take someone off. So I met up with Pierre but don't be too jellybags because it was for a work related thing. Can I just stop you there? I went to pick up my kid from school last week and he was still in the dinner hall so I could see him in the dinner hall sitting on his own so I went to join him. All the other kids had gone off. It was like end of term. And there was jelly, quite a bit of jelly left. I hadn't had jelly for ages.

You might get like a random bit on a pork pie. And I'm on about like sweet, like strawberry jelly. And there were several bowls left. So I thought it was going to stop me. You can't stop me now! Sometimes I do push the boundaries. Frank's in a jelly burglar. Yeah. And I fear we need to check that word. I'm not sure it's in the profanosaurus. I'm sure I've seen it in Prowler.

Yeah, exactly. I should have thought what a jelly burger would be but burglar. Jelly burger is even worse. Oh I got a big jelly burger on my back. Okay. So I'd forgot how good jelly was. Yeah. It's absolutely brilliant. When's the last time you had jelly? It's the best way to enjoy hooves. Oh, is that what it's made with? It used to be. You get all the gelatin from cow hooves. Is that right?

Yeah, I love that. That's why vegetarians cry and things, so they get upset. Understandably, because I remember that happened with a friend and they were sweet. Trifle is murder, that's what they say. No, she had gelatin. That must have been upsetting though, if you don't know you're eating. I always used to feel quite sophisticated if you ate anything a bit chewy and it said on the wrapper, gum Arabic. I'd feel, oh, because the belly dancing starts now.

I actively, I do purchase jelly. I used to eat jelly by the cube. We didn't even bother putting it in the hot water. The Pure. We just chew it. Do you know the cube? Uncut jelly. Yeah, we just eat it like that.

Let my digestive juices do all the catering. Yeah. Anyway, sorry I interrupted you. No, no, I like a jelly talk as much as the next man. Yeah. Anyway, sorry I interrupted you. No, no, I like a jelly talk as much as the next man. And so I met up with Pierre and where did that come from? Oh, jelly bags. You don't need to be jelly bags because we were actually meeting up for work-related reasons. Pierre was coming on my podcast. Oh, it's not, Frank. He was promoting...

You're doing a new podcast, just the two of you. No, he was coming on the podcast because he hasn't been on for a while, but also he was promoting the show, forthcoming show in Edinburgh. At the Fringe, yeah, soon. And so... Oh, so you were walking a dog, were you? My dog. Oh, okay. And Fyare and Raymond, they get on very well. Do you think that's fair to say? Yes, yeah, similar demeanours, similar levels of hair. I love it when you say, oh do you get on well with my dog? my dog, yes. Yes. I like that. So we had a lovely time together in his local park and then I said my friend Connie Huck lives not far from Pierre. Blue Peter Connie. Yes. Yeah. And she had said, I've mentioned Pierre to her and she was keen to meet him and she said

well why don't you come over afterwards? Has she ever written an autobiography? No. Okay. Why? Have you got an idea for her? I'm thinking The Incredible Hawk. Oh, I'm going to tell her that! That's such a great idea! Anyway, well obviously she could have it, I'm not using it. The odd if you wrote a book called The Incredible Hawk. It would, about her, without telling her I was going to do it. Loads of research, photos of her leaving her house. Frank Skinner's written a celebrity biography but of someone else. It's an odd choice. Yeah, look at that picture on the cover, that distant shot of her dropping the kids off at school. That was weird, a bit blurry. I like the idea of it being called Frank Skinner's The Incredible Hark. I did have an idea of doing...

Like Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer. I was going to do a biographical one-man play in Edinburgh about the life of Jimmy Carr and not tell him. God. In which I play Jimmy Carr and all of the characters, including myself. God, Fran! But not tell him at all. Wouldn't that be... People would come to see that.

It would be really funny. Can you do the laugh? Oh I could work on that. That one yeah yeah that's when he's reversing. I don't know what his normal laugh is like. I didn't know about the play audience. Yeah I I? Yeah, I mean I really told you. It needs to be someone who's, you know, contemporary and that you wouldn't expect. Does it have a name yet or are you still workshopping that? No, well I don't, I started to think I can imagine

him getting quite legal about it. You know what I mean? So I'm gonna stick with the Incredible Hawk. I think the, Con Connie won't get legal. Well I can't play Connie in a one man play. The complications. Why not? Oh come on.

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Connie had invited us over and... Blimey you two had a lovely day out with her. Frank you're so jealous. Go on. And so, oh I don't like it when you say go on. So we went over there. Connie's very hospitable I think it's fair to say. Yes, yes, very much so. Charlie wasn't there. She's known to Charlie Brooker as you know. Charlie was working. Either that who is pretending to be out, he might well have been upstairs pretending to be out. Is it like when the rent man came to our house and I said my mom's out and he said I'd tell her to take her feet with her next time. Oh that was awful. I could see him behind the curtain. No I think he was genuinely up but anyway, Connie said can I make you something to eat? I said no actually she died from spontaneous human combustion

that's all that's left. But thanks for bringing it up red man so Connie said can I make you something to eat yeah fantastic what's all the day would this have been I want to say 1pm 1pm so an appropriate time perfect perfect time for lunch so well that's what I thought right so I said oh Connie do you know what I would love that she said said, what about a burger? Perfect, hits the spot. Jelly burger? No, regular burger. Beef burger.

Pierre, and I think it might be to do with a slightly posh, well-mannered, well-brought-up thing, says, no, no, no, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I won't have anything. Oh. I said, are you sure, Pierre? Do you not want a burger?

No, no, absolutely, it's okay. No, no, no, no. Connie makes the burger for me. She keeps saying you sure. When me and Pierre went for a burger on tour, he was impatient for them to be cooked. Well. I thought he was just gonna take them frozen off the stack. Well, I think it was the man was overriding his hunger so I, Connie made the burger for me and I could feel as soon as that burger was put in front of me Frank I could feel these little South African eyes boring into my plate. I'm watching someone else eat a burger when we're down hell. I could just sense the hunger. A little, the envy was, I could feel it.

So I thought... Did Connie have a burger? Did Connie have a burger? You're with us. Yes. Yeah, Connie had a burger. Oh, so you're the odd man out. Yeah.

I'm guessing Connie ate hers on a trampoline. The whole Blue Peter training. She is an incredible huck after all. She had a burger she made earlier. Of course. Very good. Great work. He was the burgerless Calais, he didn't have a burger.

So anyway, I thought at that point, I felt sorry for him. So I cut off- What a bad stance. I know, but still I didn't, you know, I felt for him. So I cut off a What a bad stance. I know but still I didn't you know I felt for him so I cut off a quarter of the burger. Oh right was he getting his hopes up? I said Pierre do you want that? He went oh yes please. What's going on? Let me tell you what happened at the end. You'll have your turn everyone will get a chance. So I gave him that quarter he wolfed it down.

Because I know what it's like. I've seen these animal nature documentaries and when the silverback doesn't get access to the food source, things get ugly. It's like if I'm going to the chip shop and I say to someone, do you want chips? And they say no. I say, look, when I'm here eating chips,

don't come asking then. Live by the chip, die by the chip. Yeah. Well, I just want to finish this. So he ate that and I was happy. Then Connie said, look you're eating Emily's quarter of her burger. You clearly are very hungry, Pierre. Yeah, logic. Do you want some? No, no, no, it's absolutely fine.

And she said, I'm just making you one. I don't care. No arguments. She made the burger, gave it to him. He Tom-Wulffed that burger down. I've never seen anything like it. What I'm saying is, did I get an offer of a quarter? No. No. So I just want you... He gives no quarter. Well, Pierre, we'll hear it from your side and then Frank can decide. You don't understand why he didn't just say yes to the burger.

At no point... Say yes to the bird. At no point in this entire story, at no point in this entire story was I hungry at all. But that's not why I eat food. That's my whole problem in life. I eat food because it's available and at a certain point it becomes rude to turn down an offer after the sort of seventh offer Right. Well, that's what I felt about the daughter and mother Before you reach seventh offer you have to go Otherwise I'll be honor bound I could have took a boat from the pub to have a quarter. Frank, stop talking about that story.

Yes, there's a point where refusing on offer itself becomes rude and gets in the way of the sort of conversation and things. So there's a point where you just have to have something. So I was right. It was you trying to be polite. You forced him to eat. I forced him to eat the quarter and the whole burger. The other thing that swung me was that I didn't...

What I was worried about is I had to leave relatively soon after this visit to go get a train to go to a wedding. Yeah. Oh, you didn't want gristle in your teeth. No, no, no. I was worried about timings. That thing of someone going, no, no, don't leave yet. The burger's almost ready and you miss your train because... So it was a schedule anxiety thing of like, well, I don't know how long these burgers take to

craft. I don't know if they need to be... I don't know if they're even in the house. I think we've established they were prepared earlier. I don't know why you're as worried about that. Well, so when I accepted the final offer, it was because there was already a made one in the George Foreman or whatever. There was one, yes. So whereas if it had been from scratch, I would have still said no. So it's essentially a complex series of logistical and conversational calculations trying to figure

out what is the least friction socially that can happen here. My refusal is creating so much social friction. You'd have met a great Englishman. That's what I was trained to be. Yeah. Horners of Empire. Wow. From foreign field.

Yeah. So, well look, did you like going to Connie's? Did you like the Burka? Yes. Well, we... He's not going to say no. I did like it. I despise her.

What if it got back to her? Well, I... Brooke is a big bloke. Is he? Yeah, he's a big bloke. Yeah, Brooke is a big bloke. I think Brooke is a... Is he six foot? Maybe even four? a big bloke. I think Brooker's a big bloke. Is he six foot? I'd like to see these two. What, Brooker and Novelli? I would see that.

Wrestle in the garden. What like when, do you remember when Ricky Gervais had a celebrity boxing match with the Antia Turner's then husband Grant Bovy? Oh God, I thought you were going to sayeternia, that would have been worth seeing. I mean I know he's got the anti-woke thing going but blimey he's pushing the boat out with that one. It was Grant Bovey and Ricky Gervais, I went to that boxing match and I sat ringside. Who won? Ricky won. I got very oddly involved in it. I am sure. Embarrassingly people sometimes contact me and say I've just seen you on telly from something 20 years ago, Ricky Gervais boxing match, shouting, Ricky! Kill him! It's too late for me. If the celebrity boxing starts, I'm going

to be sort of Angelo Dundee to Piers Muhammad Ali, just flapping the cloth in his face. So now look, you've got a dodge and weave. You should be the sort of jewellery coated manager figure maybe. Yeah oh yeah. Like a Don King. I see you as a Don King. Yeah. No I don't I see you as more Gus D'Amato.

I was leaving. Is it Cuss or Gus? Cuss. Cuss thank you Frank. I knew you'd know. From the Catskills, I think. Was he Mike Tyson's? He was Mike Tyson's. But I was leaving a big fight after the fight.

And I don't remember who- You hadn't been involved in this fight. No, I'd watched a big fight, but it was a Don King promotion. And as I walked down the road, I saw an enormous Rolls Royce with a little flag on the front with the DK logo on it. And his chauffeur was in there. And it was a fabulously attractive woman with short dyed blonde hair. And you know those classic chauffeur things, there's like a peak cap and a double breasted tunic that chauffeurs.

Like from Thunderbirds? Yeah. She had one of those but in pink leather. I mean, come on! I kind of love that. Oh God, she looked amazing. Yeah. But I had actually met Connie Huck before. And they had the sunroof open so he could get his hair in.

He's gone back to the Connie Huck story. And that was a Don King joke. I know. He's been trampled. I'm a bit like Steve Hall. People will be sending in saying you said all those funny things and no one heard them. Frank. I'd met her before when I was seven.

You met Connie Huck when you were seven. I was very young. Did you get a band? No, I was seven. You met Connie Huck when you were seven. Did you go to band? No, I was eight or nine. Connie Huck came to the Isle of Man for the Millennium Orchard Planting or Arboretum. Did she remember it? She did. Well, she remembered doing the job.

She did remember it. She remembered the one eerily polite, burgerless boy. It's you. The burgerless boy. I knew you would come for me. No, I technically met her and I still have my little commemorative beanie from Connie It's you! The burgerless boy. I knew you'd come for me. No, I technically met her and I still have my little commemorative beanie from coming to plant a bunch of trees on the island.

Oh, what was the beanie? An Incredible Hot Beanie? No, it's not Incredible Hot. She's never branded that. Well, that'll be next. Well, it will now. So she planted an orchard on the island. So every school kid got to plant one tree or something. It was some kind of celebrate the millennium being green. Wow. They still got more laughs than I did.

At a planting. It was Lon. Do you remember Lon? The only man who laughed. I can't remember his surname. Pinkerton. Lon Pinkerton. The man who laughed at Frank Skinner. That's his autobiography, The Man Who Laughed. Exactly. Do you think you'll ever go back there? No. Thank God Pierre's not getting married though. I was worried about that. Well he said, you know, do you want to come to my wedding? And I thought, I'm waiting for more information. It'll be inside this giant wicker man. Exactly. At service.

Exactly. I still want to visit, I've not been to the Isle of Man. Yeah. Okay. So let me get, there's one thing I need to get right. Yeah? Yes. They'll buy any car. They'll literally buy any car.

I mean that is such a rash declaration. I'm sure they'd buy a wreck written off. They must have rejected cars. Surely. Well, we buy any, any car. How can they reject a car? Is it because of the, what's the, what's the little... That's what I can call my Edinburgh show. What? We buy any car.

We buy any car. What's the thing that always gets nicked from under cars that sometimes has bits of gold and silver? Oh yes, it's like the incinerate knocker. Yes, you're right. They probably wouldn't buy one if you'd said, by the way, I've already taken out the catalytic converter and sold it. I think, well any. There's no argument. Anyway, I don't know, just that just dropped me. Mike, I was arriving home with my publicist yesterday. She said to me, God, look at the state of your car. It's covered in bird shit. Are you joking?

No. She said exactly the same thing to me about my car. Did she? What's her problem with bird shit? Hang on, sorry Frank I don't want to interrupt you. You tell me and you share and I like. This is Lucy. Yes, Lucy. She said to me your car's filthy, look it's covered in bird shit. She said and there's cobwebs on the back. I said it's not my fault, it hasn't rained. She said that to me. Yeah, what? When I gave her a lift, do you remember when you got, I hate to bring it up again, the night of the Golden Lobes?

Yes, the night of the Golden Lobes would be a good 1970s horror film. Yes, yeah. And in a way, the night of the lobe-less night. So anyway, I dropped her home, do you remember? And she got out, I think we dropped you off first and then I took her on to pick her up. And she dropped me out of the car and I said, oh, there you go, Lucy.

She said, oh, I said, you know, nice to see you. She said, yeah. By the way, you got bird shit on your car. And then she left. Yeah. So I am interested that she said this to you. She's got a bit of an obsession. Very car proud.

How can I put this? I know that her husband is a meticulous man, cleanness-wise. So their house is immaculate. Because I was telling her how much I like having a dog and she said, oh, they're too dirty. And so... Oh, it's a neat freak thing, yeah. Well, I don't know if it's just clean. Obviously, when she comes to our house, she has to go into intensive care for a fortnight. She's dressed like CSI. Yeah.

I get cobwebs on my car. Why do I get... I don't know why that is. Why do we get cobwebs? I blame the fucking 20 mile an hour thing. I got cobwebs on the wheels. I never used to get it. Is it because we're old? Why do we get cobwebs? I have no idea. Halloween cars are you guys driving. No one else gets it other than us. We are honestly the only people I know that get it. Do you get them around the wing mirrors? I must ask Mrs Adams, whose house I always park outside.

I'll have a word with Haversham as well. Not only that, but I get the cobwebs in the handles. So do I. And then I get stuff from the trees that sits in the cobwebs. It's leafy North London. It plays havoc with your car. Oh man, it looks like a sort of New Orleans funeral car. It's got all sorts of cobwebs

and spooky things stuck to it. May I share something? We need to, I would like to share some correspondence from the outside world before we terminate things, if that's alright. It's alright, there's no rush. Okay, so we've heard from a few of our readers. Firstly, So we've heard from a few of our readers. Firstly, do you remember recently, Frank, you were talking, we got onto the subject of what you refer to as gas masks. Oh yeah. This is from Prisoner011. I feel compelled to point out that Frank is indeed right and they are gas masks that he's seeing in the BDSM gay shops like Prowler. With a dildo extension. Frank, you don't need to get that specific. I think these are optional. I'm just helping people who are going to Google.

I know. Just when you suddenly say the blue things like with a dildo extension. Well I mean because we're not talking about, you know, army surplus, are we? Well, this person, Prisoner011, who describes himself as a friend of Dorothy's and a friend of the show. Okay, lovely. Says, um, pray tell why he knows this. Well, I mean, they're not, it's not like they're in a secret bathroom. When you walk down Old Compton Street, they're in the front window. Yeah, yeah. But I felt bad because we were sort of somewhat ridiculing you for referring to them as I thought they were more commonly referred to as BDSM or fetish masks.

Okay. But you went down the gas mask. Oh, they're definitely gas masks. It looks like a bunch of blitz equipment. How bad would the gas attack have to be for you to put one of those on at home? Or for the Prime Minister to have to go on television without one of those? That would be fabulous. It would be quite intimidating for the enemy if our soldiers were wearing the extension on their gas masks. I think that's a good one. It would.

And I'd be frightened to run away as well. Because you don't want to... How does it all work? If they get really close. How does it all work? You won't be horrid over the top. Good way of horrifying the new recruits over the top. Yeah, bayonetted.

I don't even know how it really works. To be honest, I don't know how it works. The workmanship on them looks... Well, I mean, I can make some deductions. Yeah, you must have seen. You know when you get those like... Well, I mean, I can make some deductions. Yeah, you must have seen. You know when you get those like... No, I haven't seen anything. I'm not Sherlock Holmes.

No, no, no. Can you please finish that sentence? You must have seen... Yes, but you see these things and they're like birds and you get them wobbling and they seem to drink water it's like a little balance thing a novelty toy okay well it works like that okay so I think you yeah so you you take your take on your love ahead first yeah yeah yeah I don't know what to do with that. I'm just back from the front, you're saying. I don't know what you mean when you say you don't know how it works. I mean, it's not

complicated. I'm not as sexually, I don't know as much as you do. It seems fine to me. I mean, I just remember I went to a status quo gig. Why would you have a gas mask on? I'm just saying. For fun. That's the bit I don't understand. Why is that fun? So I went to a status quo gig when I was 16 and I did so much head banging the next day I couldn't move my head.

And I imagine that must have happened after you've been on the gas mask dildo work all night. What? You need a massage. But you have to wear one of those braces around your neck like you've been in a crash and you're faking whiplash. Yeah, but you can probably get one of those that you wear with the gas mask that's got a bowl on it to catch the excess. Oh, dood. Anyway, it's all right, the birds will drink it if you stand in the garden. Yes.

I think it'd be more like a scarecrow if that figure stood in the garden. Yes. I think it'd be more like a scarecrow if that figure stood in the garden. The birds would flee. Can I also share this briefly before we go? Great coat hanger. Yes. May I share this very briefly before we go, just something briefly from another... Can I say though, thanks for that email. Gas mask, yeah. I like a bit of verification. Lee from Leoncy. Oh yeah. Hi Frank, Emily and Pierre. My dog also Frank needed a rover ticket to travel on the steam train at Holt. The dog had a rover ticket. I know and it has sent a picture which is rather brilliant. Yeah. It's called a rover ticket. So this is the new thing. What about this my wife? How much was yours a pound? A pound. For Poppy. My wife and our child boss got on

the bus the other day. The driver stepped out of his, you know, their plastic windowed compartment. Oh, I feel I hate it when they step out of their... Stepped out and said get that dog off the bus We've already got one on and you can only have one dog on the bus. What? I didn't know that. And they were alarmed by him stepping out and they got off the bus with the dog. Is that right?

Is there a one dog rule? I've never heard of that before in my life. I can picture having seen certain semi-legal breeds of dog quite often in certain neighborhoods of London I can picture letting more than one of those on the bus. But they've just got to come up with a rule. I wouldn't say Poppy is sadly an XL bully. But what if the XL bully was already on? Well I think yeah. I think this is a bloke just making stuff up. Do you think?

If there is anyone that knows about London Transport and don't think. I'd be interested to know if that is a genuine rule or if he's just making up fibs. Yeah, well, I'll find him. Right Liam Neeson. Oh by the way, episode two of Frank Skinner's poetry podcast is out on Wednesday. I referred to myself in the third person. Who is it this week? This time it's Rebecca Goss. Rebecca Goss, in one of the poems she is driving her child

to a place of natural beauty and in her rear view mirror she sees a pheasant dash across, just a quick burst of life and energy. And it makes her think about that parental thing of having to let a child go, that thing of watching her grow and realize that they have to grow away. It's a very moving thing. That's one of the poems. So that's Rebecca Goth and you can download it wherever you get your podcasts, like they always say.

I will be listening to that. Okay, so it's been an absolute pleasure. It might be the last one. I'll take that call from my manager. Oh, Frank, you're such a catastrophist. I bet he's just calling to say, hi Frank, just to let you know I'm thinking about you. No, we won't be saying that. I don't think he'll use my first name unless he's been given notes by his assistant. Oh Frank. Oh man.

He's got bigger fish to fry now. He's at Broadway in Presario. I hear Strawbridge has been sniffing about. Oh really? I've never seen any Strawbridge. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch you can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at avalonuk.com