The Frank Skinner Show - Living Statue

Episode Date: February 17, 2025

In this podcast Frank discusses his daydreams and some family games he's been playing. You can also now send us a Whatsapp on 07457 417 769. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It's Fred off the radio, featuring him and that posh lady-o, and the one with the French name, from South Africa came. They're all here, open brackets, hooray! Close brackets today. The King's lead hat is a motto to desire it will come, it will come, it will surely come. This is Frank off the radio, I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli, I'm doing my Sky Sports correspondent. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram, you can email the podcast via frankofftheradio

at avalonuk.com. and Instagram you can email the podcast via frank of the radio at Avalon UK dot com you can also what about this what's a post live we'll tell you if we're on air she won't be able to hear us on oh seven four five seven four one seven seven six nine that number again oh seven four five seven four one seven seven six nine anyone under 18 must have permission to the bill pay those people just go that's what I like terms and conditions we don't need T's and C's because is it free what's that it is okay not much is free nowadays. No. What's free Frank? I was going to say fresh air, but we live in London.

Not only is it not free, it's not actually available, even if you pay for it. Is toilet free? Toilets? It depends. Toilets on... It's quite frank and say, is toilet free? Tarzan? Yes, Tarzan, toilets are free. I think you'll find Tarzan's toilet was always free. Now that he's in London though, we're having to train him. I think if I went Tarzan's, he'd just say toilet. You might want to leave it. Now he's gone a bit Lord Greystroke.

I'm not sure. Greystroke, Frank? Now he's gone a bit Lord Greystoke. I'm not sure. Greystoke? Greystoke, Frank. Greystoke, I was just thinking of my worst fear. I have a friend, a celebrity friend, who used to get into hotels under that name. Really? Lord Greystoke. You can work out who that is yourself.

Anyway, I think it's a good name. That's a good name. Yeah. Good pseudonym. It's a lot better than my previous. What about when I tried Milton Keynes and realised it was too obvious? Did they say, hello Mr. Keynes? They had an envelope in my keys in with M. Keynes on the front of it.

Misspelled. Anyway, is toilet free? Toilet as a concept. That's how Trump says nouns. It's singular abstract. I remember rightly, it's free in airports, but you pay for it in railway stations. Not at King's Cross? You don't pay at King's Cross?

Since COVID, a lot of railway stations have just gone, you know what, just go for it. Why? Because of like you had to go somewhere to wash your hands or there was no businesses open so there was nowhere else to go. People protested about it enough. Yeah, I don't think you should have to pay to urinate. Well, I once went into a toilet and my podcast producer, Faye, who you're familiar with, I put I think it was 20p or something.

And she followed behind me and said, oh save spaying again and jumped the trans mile with me. She jumped it? Yes. Cheeky. To go in as one, as one unit. You look really unhappy about that. I'm just seeing if I can remember the terms and conditions of a citizen's arrest.

I think they're all free now. The railways ones. Brilliant. Okay. Anyway. Toilet is free. You see, my argument is I might walk past the station, Pret, and think, I know I won't have a lime juice because I'll have to pay for the toilet. Now I'll go in and

buy that lime juice so that the station as a whole is making a profit from not charging me to urinate. It's amazing what you do. Yeah, I think we've sorted that out. Someone's angling for another gong from the palace. Yeah, it's been 18 months, what they're getting up to. So what's the next one up Frank by the way? OBE I think. Yeah, it's been 18 months what they're getting up to. Yeah. So... What's the next one up Frank by the way?

OBE I think. Well we didn't have to think hard about that. No. Someone's been a Googling. I'm thinking if I get the OBE I might change my name to One Kenobi. What the... Imagine that in Starbucks shantytown. Starbucks ought to be a coffee shop in Star Wars, Andy. Yeah.

Or maybe a bank in Star Wars. Yes. Like a lazy sci-fi. That'll be a hundred Starbucks. Yeah. And you think, oh, come on. Yeah, like in... Can you go back to the writers' room and workshop that? Yeah, like in Fireball XL5, which was the Gerry Anderson space show I watched as a kid and Professor Matthew Matick who had a Wild West old timer voice said, Steve, I don't feel so good today, I think I've got a bit of space flu. The most broad definition of an elders you can get in space. Oh man. So I think I've spoken to you guys before about the fact that I daydream.

Yes. I mean, I don't mean like casually. I have continuing daydreams. And are the daydreams fantasies or are they? Yeah, what would be the point of them if they were about things that really happened? What about tragedies though? Tragedy. You could daydream a tragedy.

I have minor tragedies. I was playing for one of my last game for Barcelona and I was heavily bandaged from various knee injuries. I was 58 and I needed to score a penalty for us to get through in the penalty shootout and it hit the post. So there was a shot of me just standing on the pitch with all this team and the goalie all celebrating and the old veteran, a man who's won four World Cups, eight Premier League titles with West Bromwich Albion. All this was all documented. Yeah, yeah. So this is you, yeah.

And that's how I go out. Luckily, after a pause, I go back to Barcelona as the manager, and when I appear down the tunnel with a walking stick, The crowd go absolutely ballistic. But Frank, if you'll forgive me, the crowd have gone absolutely ballistic for you at Wembley. You've written it's really... what I'm saying is, why do you need to daydream and fantasise? I can't help it, it just happens. I did my strangest one ever. And I still, again, it comes back again and again. I saw an interview with

Sarah She's an actress who famously drank urine as a health Measure one of those she was in Ryan's daughter. I think her name is Sarah miles Sarah miles I think you're right anyway question her own I Don't know. Yes. I think Question, her own? I don't know. Yes it was her own. I think it was her own. That's the rule isn't it? There was no Etsy in those days. Thank God. Or indeed drinksy. So she drank her own urine. At the time. It was restorative. Well it was seen as a health thing. At the time, it was seen as a health thing. She very much got sat in that chair though.

She did. The urine chair. The urine chair. She was in the urine drinker. The commode. It's another Tarzanism about toilets. Urine chair. And I saw a urine chair means it's your round, doesn't it?

Sarah Miles' house. That guy passed us that jog. Imagine the confidence of pointing around a table. Pint, pint. You've been drinking a lot today. Anyway, I've got a shire horse in the parlour. Every time the toilet flushes, someone's feeling flush. You get a shire horse in for like a wedding or something. Anyway, so I saw her on daytime television, I was probably 14, school holidays, and the

woman said, now you've, there's a thing that you've mentioned in interviews is that you drink urine as a health thing. And she said, oh look, I'm, oh look, I don't talk about that anymore. I've heard a lot, I've heard all the jokes and I just don't talk about it anymore. And as a kid, it really imprinted on it, this woman having doing A, that she drank urine, but B, she got a bit heighty tighty about it.

And the thing I have, before I ever had the chat show, but to this day, I imagine having her, do you know the James Bond film, You Only Live Twice? Yes. And of going on and interviewing her and talking about her latest play and stuff, and how she's got a lovely house in the country. And then I said, there's one other thing I want to mention. And you know, the opening to the theme tune of the year, it goes, da da da da da da da. And this, I go, you only drink pies. And I've been through that in my mind 200 times as something that would make me supremely

happy. It's not even a properly worked thing, but I love it so much. Is there any pattern to when this emerges in your mind? Is it while urinating yourself? Is it while on a train? What is this? I'm going on therapy, essentially. Urinating myself. I just... No, there's no...

It could strike at any time. There's no rhyme or reason to it. You see the reason? It's like the young doctors. It could strike at any time. But the youth don't really... They don't daydream Frank, because of course they're from a generation where they've permanently got the phone. They don't understand the concept of the daydream. We did that at bus stops and on trains.

We had a weird thing called free time. You lot don't have that. I bet you've never daydreamed in your god damn life. I'm pre-smartphone. Okay. Plenty of boredom. Okay. So what's your, do you have a daydream?

I had to teach myself to stop, would you say it's daydreaming if it's the sort of nonsense that goes through your head as you're trying to go to sleep? Or is that something else? Is that night dreaming? I don't know. I don't know what that is. Well you can have a fact, like I had a recurring daydream when I was younger, which involved George Michael cheating on me.

Okay. And'm afraid it would have been inevitable if I said it. I know. But I don't know why, you know, other people would fantasise about marrying these people. But I fantasised, I liked the idea of us having an argument. Well it's more dramatic to be cheated on. It was more dramatic and I remember, it was so vivid every time, I'd sometimes add to it, the hotel would be to change location or whatever. But it was always the same basics, we were on holiday, he had a tolling robe on. I came into the bedroom, he had aviators on at one point as well. I found out he cheated on me. The woman was in there.

She looked a bit like, there was a Page 3 model at the time called Maria Whitaker. Oh yes, I worked with Maria Whitaker. Oh okay, I won't ask in what capacity. Well no, it was a sort of public appearance thing in, you know, one of those things in, is that what they call them? Personal appearance thing in Birmingham. I love the sound of this. She had to sit on a massive phone, I mean a phone about eight feet across. She had to sit on the receiver and she was just wearing a t-shirt that had a phone company on it and pants.

I always remember when she went up to, there was a little cafeteria there and we all got free food. I remember when she went up to, there was a little cafeteria there and we all got free food. She went up, she had, she just had a plate of carrots and an orange juice and I thought that's how they're taught. They just eat orange stuff. An orange only diet. But she said to me afterwards, she had a t-shirt, she clearly wasn't wearing a brassiere, but she said to me, don't tell anyone, she said, but they've actually paid a topless fee for me today, but no one's asked me to take my shirt off, so I'm keeping it on.

Good on them. And I said, good for you. Yeah. That was my, so that was Maria Whitaker. Were you topless? Yeah. Did you resent that you had to go topless? They had, his manager had negotiated a topless fee for him.

I was wearing a waistcoat and a straw boat at like Topkaford. That would pay money for. That was it. So anyway, George Michael, in my daydream, it was a woman. It was very sort of sophisticated, you know, womanly. I was jealous of this woman, basically. Well, Maria Whitaker was like, she was a beautiful woman. Yeah, she was stunning. Stone Cold Fox. So I can remember, and I sort of caught them

in the act, and then she would say, I'm really sorry, and walk out. And I remembered that what I liked about the daydream was me saying something really dramatic to George Michael. And it was my parting line. And I was like, I would say, well, looks like you just lost the best thing you ever had. So embarrassing. Now that's good. That's good.

That's good. And he was sort of a bit tearful. Oh, okay. Yeah, he was crying. And then I would leave the hotel. He would roll out from under the aviator. A solitary tear. You imagine what they'd do is they'd start welling up in the base of the aviators.

So you think, how much before that damn breaks? And then eventually maybe get like a half an inch up the aviators and then start pissing out the side. And then Sarah Miles is there with her cup. Exactly. Ready for another healthy drink. George has another bottle of carrots and leaves. Do you know that daydream sustained me through I'd say seven years. When I was growing up I would, but I mean I think this is an autism thing, Did that daydream sustain me through, I'd say, seven years? Wow. Did you have, yeah.

When I was growing up, I would, but I mean, I think this is an autism thing, I would rehearse conversations. I know that's a daydream. I try and predict, oh, if I say this, then what if someone says this? I would sort of try and preempt it, pre-game. Oh, okay. Yeah, but that's quite common. What I used to do was, and I've told Emily about this, because we used to be in a quiz

team together. Ah. And I would go home. Name, please. Well, we didn't have a net... Did we not have a name? We were playing against a load of sort of tabloid journalists. Yeah.

Not just tabloid. I think there was some broadsheet guys. Oh, no. It was Times as well, but Piers Morgan was one of them. And Jeremy Beedle was the quiz master. That was it. Oh, wow. We won.

Really? Yeah, we won. I mean, it was over like six weeks. Even with your phones tapped, you still won. Yeah. We won. Wow. We won a hot air balloon ride, which we never took.

At the time, I was restrained by what ITV called key man insurance and I wasn't allowed to take it. Really? Yeah. That's so funny. Now I could go avalanche surfing and no one would give a crap about it. But anyway, yeah, I used to go home after the quiz and imagine myself answering the questions I hadn't got.

I used to fantasize about that. Speaking of quizzes, do you know why I went to Barley for the New Year? Did you? Yeah. Did you? Yeah. Did you go to a full moon party? What do you mean?

You went to Barley! Did you eat mushrooms on the beach? I didn't know you went to Barley. No, Barley. Sorry, Barley is a village in Hoth. I was going to say, yeah. It's spelled as in, you know, Barley Moe. Oh, well, I thought, I can't imagine you as some sort of Alex Garland the Beach thing

going on. Oh, no, I wouldn't get there for a new week. I wouldn't even for three nights. Sarong neon body paint. Yeah. Stash purse. I'm not going to say what's wrong with that. That's what you're trying to lead me into.

Joe Dolce's back. So we went away, a bunch of us, yeah, for New Year's. A whole load of us. Yeah. I just, it just reminded me of the quiz thing because we had a bit of a quiz. But we had a series of challenges. One of my friends likes to set competitions and stuff when we're away. Oh God.

It's great, especially for the kids. So we had a thing, this was adults and kids, where we had to, we were split into threes and we had to produce a living statue. So I was with a mate called Scott and his son who's 10, and it was called Paddy. And then we, so we went into a corner and said, what's the living statue going to be? And Paddy said, me and dad could roll into balls and you could be like the penis in the middle. He's 10! And I said, well, we can do something. He said, listen, that'd be good because we'll roll, really roll into balls. And I said, I don't think we should do this one.

I said, I don't think you should do this one. What a confident 10 year old. Yeah. Even if I had the penis and balls idea, I don't think I'd be suggesting that to a fattening friend. Yeah, even if I had the penis and balls idea, I don't think I'd be suggesting But and he's dad was and he said Let's give his dad was already rolling into a ball. I liked it. I like that. That's that's my boy. Yeah We've done this before good boy. I said we honestly just as like women and children and you know, I don't want to be, I don't want to be

Eh, eh, eh about it. The Titanic! Yeah, so anyway we decide Women and children? We decide, can you still say women and children? Penis and ball son, just like we practiced at home. Women and children in the lifeboats while we do the So all they had to do I realised, you know, I... Moggins here.

Yeah. As it gets the, you know, the moving part. Yes, yeah. Well, let's face it, the one that does part that does all the work. Well, I start... I start... Couchon. Yes.

And then I become rampant. That was the idea of it. So I... I remember... Oh my god. I remember saying... This is a very drama warm-up, isn't it. So I remember. Oh my god. I remember saying. This is a very drama warm up isn't it?

So I said. You didn't have any water or something? No, no, no, no. Nothing like that. Come on. I wouldn't do that. Come on says the man who just said he was rampant. So I said, I tell you what, you, you, you came absolutely still at my feet. I actually said this to the ten year old boy and his dad, you stay still and I'll rise on the heartbeat. So I went up incrementally on the heartbeat. I grew. I grew. And when I got to my full

extent I went as if to go slightly further. Well it will happen dear. You know how they do. Was it over quickly? But when we got in, we didn't go that far. When we got in, so the kids' mom said to me, after our Donnie, we got a round of applause, can I say. Did they know what you were?

Oh yeah. And then, yes, did I tell you, I wore a felt beanie hat that I've got and I put a sellotape sort of, I don't know what the technique is, is it the Freiman? Oh the string. What have you been doing? No not the string, the slot. The Eurythra. Yeah I did a slot.

The Miatus. I used a prop help. Yes. Anyway. You didn't put your hood up and sort of slot. No no no. Oh my god. So the kids, the kids.

This is the most disgusting thing you've ever said. But it's a family event. But the kids might have been in the house. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. stuff? No, no, no, no. Oh my god. So the kids, the kids... This is the most disgusting thing I've ever said. But it's a funny event.

But the kid's mom said to me, you are corrupted, my child. And I said, but it was his idea! The funniest thing that a 10 year old could have done is go, I don't know what he's talking about. Yeah, I don't know. I don't even really understood what's happening. I don't even understand what's happened to me today. He is literally living out a Larry David style product. Yeah, Larry David going, it was him, he said it. One of the beer penis and balls.

Is there photographic evidence of this? Please delete it immediately. I don't know. Really you want a video, you want to see me grow. No, I don't. I mean, when I say you, I mean, when I say, I mean one. I'd love to watch this performance dubbed over with some sort of like Sail Away or something, like some sort of like ambient...

My son, Buzz and Paddy had been singing this sort of rap song all week which was called My Balls on Your Chin. And they... What sort of holiday was this in Carly? But it begins. Club 1830. I didn't believe it was a real song. I thought they'd just made it up out of, you know, the way boys are rude. And then they played it and it says, it doesn't say My Balls on Your Chin for quite a while, it just says

My Balls, Your Chin, My Balls. doesn't say my balls on your chin for quite a while it just says my balls your chin my balls you know when you do a scientific experiment you have to list the equipment before you say what you do list of ingredients my response to that song is no thank you. But it was a good idea for a game. The other idea was we had to split into different threes and we had to do a, oh no it was the same threes, we had to do a play in which every character was someone else in the room. I've done that in a therapy session once.

It was good. I mean you run a risk of offending. Did you offend anyone? I hope not. I did the penis and balls act out in the therapy session once. Beat for beat. I mean, I've always been a bit anti when people say, oh, the funny things kids say. Occasionally, it's all too gold. And this was after the holiday.

We were back home and we were playing a sort of a buzz put together, this quiz. So we had like a sort of a proper mastermind quiz. Was it a general knowledge questions? Yeah. Well you could have a specialist subject, it's like mastermind. I love this. So my specialist subject was the life and works of Dr Samuel Johnson. Anyway we started off and you had to say, just as an opener, you had to say a fun fact about you that no one might know. So I said I've kissed every Spice girl and I thought that's a pretty good

fun fact that not everyone knows. So then he got to my nephew, Elliot, who's eight, and I thought what's he going to have? And have and his mom says Elliot you have to do a fun fact And he said what do you mean? She says a fun fact about you that not many people know and he said I'm frightened of jacket potatoes About four and a half absolutely was like the funniest thing I'd ever heard. It seemed at the time. It's the fact that he specified jacket potatoes. But also it was delivered in like, you know,

oh, I'm one of those people who are frightened of jacket potatoes. You know that thing when you're frightened of jacket potatoes that no one's ever said before. Oh man, it killed me. Oh god. said before. Oh man, it killed me. But here's, can I ask you a sort of, this is a slight quiz. Okay. One of the questions about Samuel Johnson was, and I wasn't happy with this question, it listed two people. Sounds unlike you. Yeah, listed two people including the poet Christopher Smart and it said what did Dr Johnson say was the difference between these two men and

I said okay I don't know what that is and he said although he said it was the difference Johnson said we'd be like trying to discuss the difference between a louse and a flea. Right. And I thought that can't be right. He liked Christopher Smart. So I googled it and he was actually... Sorry, can we just go back to, so I googled it, like it's the most normal thing in the world. Far, isn't it? But yes, I go, so I typed in, what is the difference between, before I'd finish my sentence, you know it offers you options. What would you say was the first two options that came up? What is the difference

between, what's number one of all the things that could be? Oh. Yeah? What is the difference between piss and medicine? No. What is the difference between? Talking about. What is the difference between piss and medicine? No. What is the difference between... Talking about. What is the difference between...

I was stunned. Men and women. No. It was crocodiles and alligators. That was the first one on what is the difference between... Someone's frantically Googling us out. I just need to be accurate when I call the emergency services. But that is the number one. And the number two was sympathy and empathy. A million miles from crocodiles and alligators. Yeah, sorry, just

to be specific, I have sympathy for crocodiles. I don't have empathy for them. Sorry, what is the difference between crocodiles and alligators? Because I think one is much more aggressive. I mean, alligators, I found this out from someone, wasn't it Simon Reeves, who does a lot of natural history documentaries? He said... Oh, he of the ethnic scarf. He loves an ethnic scarf.

He really does. And he said to me, because I was talking about sharks, he said, you know, you don't need to worry about sharks. They're lovely. They're actually very gentle creatures. He said alligators. And he went on this really angry rant about alligators because they are much worse than a crocodile, Frank. They're actually evil. Next to the Komodo dragon,

they're the worst animal you can encounter. Is that right? Yes. Crocodiles are African, alligators are American. What's worse, sympathy or empathy? Did he have any thoughts on that? We didn't get to that. He was jetting off to some, you know, exotic area with his scarf. Anyway, the actual difference thing that Johnson had said was Voltaire and Rousseau.

Nothing to do with it. So what did you do? Did you ask for, did you challenge this? No, no I didn't want to spoil the party. I love that about you. Yeah you know me, I'm happy to let things go. I'm very empathetic in fact. Whereas sympathy means nothing. I am quite empathetic. Boz got chat GPT, he got that up the other day. And what did he do? You know when people get things like that and Siri on and they start saying stuff like,

oh where can you get cod and chips in Blackburn? And I hate it, I hate the bullying aspect of ChatGPT being made to talk about. I don't like that it's called chat GPT it sounds a bit GB news as well. Yeah chat GBN would be. Yeah but you know what I mean people always ask some questions that I met them talk about silly things. I hate that. So you have sort of empathy for a robot. You're forced to dance. Yeah exactly. Well, we've actually had some robot correspondence, kind of. We did.

It's regarding us, Frank. How many traffic lights did it tick? It's two Pierre. It says, hi Pierre. I feel you should read it. Please could you ask Frank and Emily how they first met? Okay. I asked chat GPT and here was AI's answer. So this is how robots think you two met. I asked chat GPT and here was AI's answer. So this is how robots think you two met.

Frank Skinner first met Emily Dean when she was working as a radio producer at the BBC. Never worked. No, not true. They were introduced through a mutual connection and their friendship grew over time. Emily became Frank's co-presenter on the podcast Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast, where their chemistry and shared sense of humour became apparent. Their relationship developed from a professional one into a close friendship, and Emily has been a regular fixture in Frank's life ever since. So, what say you? I mean, I don't know about this poetry podcast, how would that work?

Me popping up? The silent co-host. Oh, Frank, I can't believe you said poetry podcast, how would that work? Me popping up? The silent co-host. Oh Frank, I can't believe you said that about Seamus. You are disgusting. You're not mentioning the caesuras. So we're here. So we're, alright, Suetonius. So we met at a...

Oh, an alternate world where that's the sort of thing you could do on a tour. And get a laugh about it. So do you remember where we met, Frank? I'm guessing we met at one of Jonathan Ross's salon gatherings. I remember the first time. It was a dinner with Michael Hutchins. Was that the first time we met? That was our first meeting.

Michael Hutchins was there and Paul Yeat. That was our first meeting. Michael Hutchins was there and Paul Yeats. That was our first meeting. And we ended up playing Pictionary with Michael Hutchins. Oh yeah, that rings a bell. And I got very freaked out because he was very familiar and he was Ozzy. And he was saying, yeah, that's a great drawing him. He was calling me in. But yeah, that was our first time. And you brought your lady friend with you? Who was it at that time? I think I'm allowed to mention she's a lady called Tessa. Oh, yes. Yes. Okay. Yeah

Who won the Pictionary game? We don't remember that. That Ennoble. Yes, and I don't think he knew the difference between crocodile and Next guy. It'd be terrible to get empathy in Pictionary. What am I going to possibly draw?

Oh, sympathy! Oh, you idiot! Oh, here's a question for you. What do you think of this, then? What do Watford FC, Watford FC legend Troy Deeney, have you ever heard of him Pierre? No. You've heard of Troy Deeney? I found some of your videos. Yeah, he's one of those big old-fashioned, muscular, centre-forward guy.

What do him and the Irish Eurovision winner, Dana, have in common? Oh. Have you heard of Dana? Yes, oh yeah. All kinds of everything. She sung with her song. She did? Okay.

Is it Elton John She did. Okay. Is it Elton John? No. What they've got in common is on Celebrity Mastermind, they are the only two people to get zero in their specialist. No! That's brilliant trivia. That is a nightmare made real.

And it was on the same Show are you know what we have to watch this? Well, you know what the topics were his was the the Jack another the Jerry Maguire trilogy Is it okay? I was anyone Jerry Maguire is one film with Tom Cruise and Renee Zellweger You complete me is Jerry Maguire and Show Me the Money. So there's only one shit film? Only one Jerry McGuire as far as I know. So that's why he got nothing. Is there a Jack Reacher trilogy?

Jack Reacher. Or maybe it was Reacher. Jack Reacher, you know, they're quite different Frank. I had dinner with Jack Reacher and I said to him, just ask me to pass you a bloody salt instead of knocking things over all the time. Frank, Jack Reacher is that male fantasy figure because he goes around from town to town wearing a denim, a chambray shirt and he only carries a toothbrush with him. What is chambray? It's like a denim.

What does he use for paste? I don't know, but that's not the point. The blood of his enemies. The point is, his brand is I only ever carry a toothbrush with me Because he has no ties. Wherever he leaves his hat is his home. In the books They continuously describe his hands as dinner plate sized. They're constantly going on about how plates sized his hands Well trying to, he needs a bit like that. Okay, so he went for the three Jack Reaches and got nothing. Darn her at UK hit singles 1969 to 1976. Oh, Darn, why didn't she get any?

I know, when was all kinds of everything, of course you could never say. That would have been- Specialist subject. I'm gonna say, yeah, maybe early 70s or something. Brilliant, though. Oh no, I feel sad for Darn her. What would you do if both of you if you got went on mastermind

You got zero in your specialist subject. I think I'd I'd sue them and say if you put this out never leave the house again Well, they have no I would absolutely lawyer us You better lawyer up if you want if you seriously think you're gonna put this out and humiliate me But don't they have that you know that question at the beginning like if your specialist subject is the great Gatsby they'll say the first question will be who was the main character yeah it's always an easy one although is it Gatsby no it's Nick Carraway good point then you have to use all your time with a sort of literary analysis debate all this trick in the book who do you When people go on that mastermind, what are the subjects you don't respect? That mastermind?

I call it that mastermind. What are the subjects you don't respect? When do you go, oh, it's a bit of a cheat. I think Mylin Klaas had Sex in the City season 2. Gosh, wow. But is it true that sometimes the celebrity ones, they'll accept subjects they wouldn't accept for the main one? There's a general sense, I think, that celebrities are imbeciles.

They make them much easier. The questions on there, I mean, honestly, a child would answer. But I watched Proper Mastermind with my son the other night, and they had the David Tennant, Doctor Who era, and we thought, well, we're well away here. Man, it was hard. We got about four. Really? It was hard.

I think the more specific you are with telling them your subject, the more the question centers must just think, oh, okay. Okay. You think you're going to game this, do you? Good, because we knew that David Tennant, Doctor Who era was coming on. As soon as we saw the four contestants, we both went, her! That's what he should do, Clive Myrish. He should say, it's the four subjects. Now I want you to allot them. Who thinks the Tibetan architect, that guy with the glasses is the Tibetan architecture guy. All the, yeah, the audience votes. Yeah. The one with the big neck, he's the rugby world cup. They ought to do that and make

it much more interesting. That would be good. You do get people that go against type. Yeah. Yeah. I would, I'd, I'd... No, you'd do, would you do Samuel Johnson or would you do, what would yours be? Some sort of power? Mine would be Sex in the City, season three.

I'd like to go on. What I used to do with Mastermind is if there was things like, say if it's a question about Egyptian kings, it'd say which Egyptian king fought in the Battle of Menderos in 58 BC BC and I'd go, Markun. And eventually you'd say something that's a little bit like the answer. Just throw it out there. Which is some syllables. Yeah. But they've got to sound a bit Egyptian. A bit Egyptian. Ra-kun. Yeah. Okay. Gira. Yeah. I thinkqur. Yeah. Okay. Gira.

Yeah. I think you're in with the show. That's a good tactic. But you don't want to go on the show and do that. Do they ask you to prove if you know about your specialty subject? Do they test you before? Just to make sure you're not mad. Do you think it would be weird if you were lying because you'd utterly humiliate yourself

as Dana knows. Dana and Dini? That's right. I bet you got there on the night, dun, dun, dun, dun, sat in the chair and thought, oh, God, I never watched the bloody films. Shit, I never watched the films. Oh, well, too late now. What's Jack Reacher's name?

Jerry McQuart? No! It's Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio It's the Frank Skinner podcast, don't you know? Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch you can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at avalonuk.com