The Frank Skinner Show - Message Centre

Episode Date: July 7, 2025

This time Frank has been to Belfast and the team try the viral M&S sandwich. There's also correspondence about Flying Ant Day, Molly Malone and nut paste. Whatsapp us on 07457 417 769 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Dazon. For the first time ever, the 32 best soccer clubs from across the world are coming together to decide who the undisputed champions of the world are in the FIFA Club World Cup. The world's best players, Messi, Holland, Kane and more are all taking part. And you can watch every match for free on Dazon, starting on June 14th and running until July 13th. Sign up now at dazon.com slash fifa. That's D-A-Z-N dot com slash fifa. It's Frank off the radio, featuring him on that Parsh radio and the one with the French name, from South Africa came.

They're all here, open brackets, hooray! Close brackets today. Hello, this is Frank off the radio. Yes, I'm eating. I'll explain in a minute. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. What if I choked to death? That would be terrible.

You can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at avalonuk.com. You can WhatsApp us on... If you want to talk about sonics or haikus or free verse or bullets, if you've ever been given someone else's award trophy, then you should message 0745741776 Good night Watch all episodes of the OC now Did you say you've been given someone else's war trophy? Who? What did he say? Is that what he said? Oh no, he means that trophy I got for comedy

Oh, oh, awards trophy They made them on the night You know they were going to post me, you know they've never posted it. They've obviously heard what I said about it and thought, right, you're not getting a made up trophy anymore. When you scorn the lobe, you stay trophy-less. This isn't the consequences of your own actions. What's lobe got to do with it? Yeah.

If I had choked to death on that intro on this sandwich, which I'll explain in a second, would you still put it out? Yes. It would have been, it got quite a bit of coverage I would have thought. Yeah. Yes, well it has happened before, hasn't it? What, people have died on a podcast? Well not on a podcast, but on stage as we know, comedians.

Oh yeah, but they always, they don't put that out. Well they do now unfortunately. Do they? Yeah yeah it's awful they should remove that. What's happened to the world? Discos. So do you want to explain? I was just talking about my favourite Olympic events. You do say it, you do pronounce it like that. Was there ever a famous discus thrower exclusively, who exclusively threw discus? Fatima Whitbread was javelin, am I right? So was there, and Daley Thompson did discus as part of his shtick in the whole of the Catalan. Has there ever been a celebrity discus thrower?

I know you mentioned it, I would struggle to... I mean other than Pierre of course, who should be a discus thrower. You imagine, I bet you were good at the discus. Oh no, not coordinated enough while spinning around. Shot put I could do. That's what ruined my Jewish dancing. Your lack of spinning. I couldn't, I wasn't coordinated enough when spinning around.

Was Fatima a short putter? No, she was a javelin putter. No, she was definitely a javelin putter. So I don't know if there was anyone who... I can't think of a celebrity discus. If anyone can, please let us know. I hope we get a lot of emails from ancient Greece. Just naming loads of them.

We've been sent a scroll. Yeah, exactly. Which Olympic event do you think Pierre looks most suited to? Well the trouble is that if I think of ancient Greece I have to imagine him naked doing it. Oh you don't. You do because they... Have some self control. They were all naked.

Were they? In ancient Greece. Oh the whole Olympics was nude yeah. Oh yeah I think I'd forgotten. They were all nude. Were they? In ancient Greece. Oh, the whole Olympics was nude, yeah. Oh yeah, I think I'd forgotten. We're all nude on the pottery. I always wonder, the Greek... Couldn't they even have a string vest? Greek men tend to have some pretty hairy chests going on and none of them have chests there

in the pottery. Well, that's because the young boys did the events. Yeah. Or were they shaving? But you don't want to be doing it naked. What about the pole vault? I mean, it's one of those when you need to think about the death of your grandmother to get you nice and flaccid. Never mind that.

What about the 1500 metres? Well, I know that would be... That would be a sight for sore eyes. What you've got to be really careful with is the relay. Oh, anyway, enough of that filth. Where did we get to that? Well, I said what Olympic event would he do? Of course, it was a good question.

I need to explain that I'm eating a red diamond strawberry and cream sandwich. Which I'm told is the new thing. Well, I've seen them discussing it on GMB. Have you really? Yeah. I've seen it on Instagram. A trend. We should say what this is.

This is... Well, it's that, isn't it? It's the M&S Wimbledon... I don't think they've explained it properly. M&S Wimbledon sandwich. Yeah. It started in Japan, this whole thing, apparently, of sort of making a... Because obviously if you're Japanese, this whole sandwich thing and the Western obsession

with dairy is a bit foreign. And I'd seen photos over the years of like a white bread based cheesecake sandwich. Right. And stuff in Japan. And it always, I always thought, it cannot work. You know, my dad used to put fruit cake on sandwiches. Yeah, that's very Northumberland. Because he said it's too rich,

it's too rich on its own. Really? Yeah. Well. And it did take the edge off of it a bit, you know. I can see that. It's called the red diamond. Why is it called that? I don't, I don't really like it if I'm honest. Is it a type of strawberry? Possibly. So it's thick

strawberries and it's cream cheese. Oh it's cream cheese is it? What did you think it was? I thought it was just cream cream. Can't you tell the difference between cream cheese and cream? It just says cream. It's cream cheese. I've eaten that and it is cream cheese. I promise you. Sweetened, full fat, soft cheese and creme fraiche. Creme, right. Mixed. Cream cheese.

Whipped. Anyway. It's on brioche bread. What did you think of it? I thought it was like, it wasn't a million miles from what I was expecting. It felt like I'd put strawberries and cream on a sandwich. I was worried. I'm not saying that's a bad thing.

No. Maybe they can use that in their reviews. Yeah, exactly. The marketing, I'm sure if we say to everyone, Frank Skinner, you know when you get to the chilled cabinet section, a picture of Frank Skinner, ideally with his archaeological dig hat on. Goes great with poo bags. What was he said? Ideally with his archaeological dig hat on. Goes great with poo bags. Oh God.

I felt, what was he said? I felt like I'd put strawberries and cream on a bit of bread. Yeah. Well that's, I mean, it's, you know, it's perfectly nice. Well yes, but I have an issue. It's very, um, Glastonbury. Glastonbury? You know, you know the big posh events, Wimbledon, Henley Regatta, Blastonbury.

I will say I was worried it was it was going to be on the same white bread they use for like a pastrami sandwich or something. But it is, it's brioche. It's cake bread. However, I would say that I think the whole point about refined dainty delicate sandwiches like this, you've got to go crusts off. But is this delicate? It's a bit thick I think. Because of the crusts. Okay. So it's not suitable for... Are you worried about curly hair? No. Although the best thing I ever read on something like Reddit was someone saying you've got to give your kids crusts, it builds character. Why does it build character? I suppose it gives them a sense of boundaries.

What, eating crusts? Well, just seeing. Seeing the edge. Seeing the pure whiteness, suddenly there's a wall there, this far and no further. Yes, and it's a reminder that every rose has its thorn. It's a memento mori in some ways. Yeah, I'm a fan of these and I thought I'd hate them. I really was prepared to find these revolting. Again, lovely quote we could pass on to the Yemen SBR department.

But they've won over a skeptic, that's a sign of a powerful product. I feel they're a little delicate if you don't mind me saying for you. For me? Yeah. Too thick for you, too delicate for me. But whence the eater of this particular sandwich then. That makes Frank mummy bear in this golden box. Yes it does yeah.

But if I never have another one I'm fine with it. Again, we'll be posting your comments on to it. Imagine if you walked through everything. It's zinger after zinger from this marketing whiz. Frank Sciller, if I never have another one. Zinger from this marketing whiz. That's like real marketing from like the 1910s before they realized they had to lie. Where they'd be like, Dove soap, it cleans you. And you go, oh yeah, yeah, okay. It worked well when I used it. Guy said to me the other day, you've got lots of quips, haven't you? There you go.

It's like, you're right, marketing used to be far more honest. Like even the fact that they had a campaign saying eight out of 10 cats prefer it. You'd never have that now. I don't think marketing was more honest. I mean, Well yeah, but you would just say 10 out of, you just tested it on other cats. All cats prefer it. Yeah.

Mighty bath foam, you used to say, it cleans the bath as well. It didn't mention they put bleach in it. I wonder no one had a tan back then. Or indeed an epidermis. They were so pink and raw. God. They had to take it out in the end. Casey, if you want to buy Matey now, I think the bleach has been removed. That's really responsible of you to give that public health information. I don't want to bring down the shares in matey. And also Mrs. Matey, Madame Matey. Oh yes. There was a Mrs. Matey.

Yes, they put her in a pink dress. She's a sort of matronly pirate. She wasn't matronly, she was a bit more princessy, I'll have you know. Do you think? Yeah, I love to. If I see a pirate in a dress, I'm never going to assume that's a lady. What did you mean? Who are long voyages. Yeah. Long lonely nights. Well, they had what they call sea wives, I believe. What's a sea wife? It's a pirate who you make your wife for the course of the voyage. Okay. You know, needs most. So, um, I, um, I went to Belfast. You've been busy dicks here, Belfast there.

Yeah, what I was doing, I was being interviewed about poetry at a place called Home Place in Balachie. Home Place? Yeah, it's called Home Place. They didn't, they really just went for the first sort of Home Place. Yeah, well it was, I believe it's an Irish term for the place you feel particularly aligned to. Oh, how lovely. Home place. Yeah it was a

former RUC place which I don't know if I'd have gone if I'd done that. But anyway salt water under it. So we were driving in and I said to the driver I said let me get this right so don to offend anyone. How do you say Balai? Is that right what I'm saying? He said, if I was you, I wouldn't get involved in the politics. I thought, oh God. Oh wow. That really made me feel easy about it. That's so Northern Irish. Nothing untouched by this endless debate. I know. I don't know. I didn't even ask what was the right or wrong.

You can't even ask how to pronounce it. Oh man. So I was staying at a spa hotel. Oh there was a spa. lovely. Did you take advantage? God, no. You don't really like spas, do you? No, I hate spas. Why don't you like them? People in robes walking about.

That's your idea of health, people enjoying themselves. Sorry, have I walked into someone's bedroom? Well, because we're not out digging for skeletons at six in the morning. It doesn't make us bad people. Well, their time would be better spent than sitting in a jacuzzi. Anyway, now I, many years ago, I interviewed a dog therapist. I don't mean it was a dog who operated as a therapist. I meant it was a human being who worked with dogs. Oh yes.

And he was called into a place where this dog that had been a very nice, friendly dog suddenly became a real snappy, raging animal. Right. And they'd moved house and they said, do you think he just doesn't like this house, the family? And the psychologist said, I did a bit of an investigation in the area and there was an abattoir just down the road and the dog could smell the chemicals that animals produce when they're frightened. And that was driving him crazy. Yeah, but

who doesn't have an abattoir? Check when you're buying a new place. Well, that's true. How close were they? Well, I don't know. Could you hear the... And will you stop? Sorry. That's really bad.

The dog is becoming stressed by the arcs of blood and hoof that come over the garden wall. And also, have you noticed the electricity flashes now and again in this house? I'm not getting involved in this. In your own head's be it. Well look, you know, I eat it so I could pretend it doesn't happen. Well you don't need to hear gunshots sound simulated. Anyway, that's what I like in a spa, because when I walk down the corridors I could smell swimming pool and that just makes me anxious. Does it? me anxious. I'm still a bit scared of

That's what it is, you know being out my depth Yeah, I think you also fear the idea of complete relaxation as well a bit I think you always like to be doing things like when you'll say to me and Kath Why'd you just get in the bath and sit there? Well, I like to be doing things? Like when you'll say to me and Kath, why do you just get in the bath and sit there? Well I sort of... someone said to me, I'll tell you, I'll be honest, it's my PA, she said can I have these holiday days? I'm going away for 10 days or something and I said what do you do? What do you do on holidays? Lovely when her boss says that to you.

Ten days, that's a lot of skeletons. I said how do you feel the time though? And I wasn't being, I wasn't digging as they say in the archaeology world. I just couldn't imagine what you'd do on a holiday for ten. What did she say? She said, you know, we go for a meal and some bathes and stuff. What, read a book? I can't do that at home. What is there I can't do at home?

Anyway, we're all different. So there was lots of people wondering about doing that. From my window I could see two Jacuzzis and they were never empty. There was always people in them. I bet you watched a lot of those. Well, you don't want to be the greathaired man looking down at the Jacuzzi. Excuse me, I wonder if you could just... We've got a gentleman who's been there for nine hours.

Oh, the shame, Frank. He's covered in dust and he's eating out of a poo bag. I'll tell you what I did, though. I went... Was there one Jacuzzi for each side of the Northern Irish debate? Well one of them is called a jacoo-hee. A jacuzzi and a jacoo-ee. Yeah.

You don't want to pronounce it incorrectly on either side. Jacuzzi and London jacuzzi. So what happened? So you didn't take advantage of the spa facilities? No. No. Do you wish to use the spa at all? You want to relax? the spa facilities? No. Do you wish to use the spa at all? Well she gave me my spa key and I said I won't be using this.

It's so judgmental the way you say that. Why can't you just say okay thanks? I won't be using this. I'm not shallow like you. No I never, well said that. I've become one of those old blokes who talks a bit too much to receptionists and waiters. I enter into a conversation and I use their name from their badge as well. So how do you do it? I say, are you checking in? Will you be checking in today? And what do you say? And then I'll say something like, how old is this place? You know what I mean? They don't want that. And then they don't know?

No, they don't know and they don't care, more importantly. But I went, I find if it's a woman as well, you see them feeling under the counter, you know, for the bottom. That's not a euphemism, I mean as an actual... Did they ever say to you, oh it's very lovely to have you here Mr Skinner? Did they acknowledge your celebrity? No, they just think, oh guy who can't shut up. If you're talking to a young bloke, you can see him thinking, I'm giving him 30 seconds and then I'm going to have to knock him out.

I can't take anymore. Isn't it? Because I talk to people a lot, Frank, and do you think it's because we're getting older? I 90% think that, but do you think also this generation even more, the younger generation, they're frightened of talking? They don't like it when you speak to them very much. I don't know. I mean, I'm there on my own.

I'm going down to Dina. Mind you, I was in my own local patch recently, and there's a place called the Hamster Butcher and Providore. Yes. And they sell hot dogs and sausage rolls outside at the weekend. Okay. So sometimes Buzz will say, oh, I'd love a hot dog. So I pick a couple up on the way back from Mass. Anyway, I stopped there

and I said, the woman was doing the hot dogs and I said, what do you sell more of? Hot dogs or sausage rolls? What did she say? She said, well, you know, we have sausage rolls days and we have hot dog days. It's very hard to find any kind of pattern. That was a good conversation. It's very hard to find any kind of pattern. That was a good conversation. It was. It's like I was at Wagamama and I said, which one do you sell most? What's your biggest selling? What are you? Some weird retail young sugar or something.

I knew what it was gonna be. A course, it was gonna be chicken, cats, corn. What you're doing, it's rather lovely, it's a sort of social contract thing and you're saying I'm not treating you like somebody who's just serving me, I'm appreciating you, you're humanist. Well it's more I'm away on my own and I'm desperately lonely. And yet you scorn the spa. You wouldn't be lonely in there mate. I've never been that lonely. Yeah and you can't meet people in a jacuzzi, do you know what I mean? Speak for yourself. Well maybe a lady could. But yeah I do do that a lot and they don't like it. I wonder if it's a, you know there was a time when I was trying to have sex with

so many people I met. Maybe I've just got, I've still got the effort but I don't stay around for the exam results. But so you've got the game still, what's happening is that muscle has been used so often. Well that muscle hasn't been used for a long time. No but not since the pole vault cost me bronze. You lost it in the relay. Yeah. Oh well that was alright. I wasn't expecting to run that extra 400 metres. I got to Belar. The reason I went there is because it's Seamus Heaney's birthplace. I love him Frank. I think you got me into him.

I love him as well and so that's why I went really because I wanted to see, I went to all the local stuff. There's like really, there's a statue of somebody digging turf and it's on the bend where Shane was seeing he was coming round there in a car and you have to change down the gears in a manual and it made him think of the generations of his family as he went down the gears and then he wrote this thing about how his granddad had dug turf on him before him but he digs with his pen. That was it. Yeah, so it's lots of stuff like that.

Anyway, I got interviewed on the night and the third, there's 200 people, it was sold out at Home Place, lovely warm-hearted crowd. And the third question was, how do you feel about the fact that everybody hates the English? Oh, how awful. What did you say? I said, can I give you a tip? I'd have held that back maybe 50 minutes. Nick, get me now, get my guard down, get towards the end.

Did you point out that Northern Ireland's social issues would be very different if that was true? It's clearly not true. You can't. You know what I mean? These things keep coming up, but you can't really... I didn't feel it was my place, and I don't really understand the ins and outs. I love wading in when I'm in Northern Ireland.

Do you? Yeah. You're bigger than me, though. Yeah, but they let you do it a bit as a South African because they know all about the truth and recommission in South Africa. Oh they let you do anything as a South African. Yeah. Only Northern Ireland. Anyway, it's a great, I'll tell you a brilliant thing and I was being driven by a bloke called Mokka McGee Are you sure he wasn't? Do you think he gets up in the morning and goes, I've got Frank

Skinner today, what are you going to call yourself? What about Mucka McGee? The first drive-by I'd said, look I can't do this this weekend, I was going to drive you to the airport and to the gig and all that but it's the GAAs which is the sort of Gaelic football thing so he had commitments. He, but so I've asked Mokka Magee to drive. Like you're meant to know who that is. Did you say THE Mokka Magee? He said I asked his real name because I thought you might, you know, you might be put off.

Because I've known him for years, I had no idea what his... I said I'm happy with Mokka. Have you seen my act? So yeah, he was very nice. Was he nice, Mokka McGee? But there's a spa. Oh, you and these spas. There's a spa in Balaji, but a spa, S-P-A-R, you know, the little supermarket thing.

Yes. And I've never seen this before, it a message center what's that you know it's had a thing like an electric like a digital thing outside what did it say it's at one point 22 degrees centigrade I thought that's a bit but then it said fruit fruit shoots. I pack it's £2.50. It suddenly turned to Dramona cracker, 200 grams, £2. And that's what it was. So it's essentially spa news alerts. It's like a stock market. It's like the sky.

Buy, buy, buy. It's like a stock market. It's like the sky. Buy, buy, buy. Sprint shoots. I hope someone typed that in. Someone must be typing it. Tato Crypts crashing in price. There must be a nerve centre. What do you do? I'm going to show you the picture. What do you do? Oh I do spa news alerts. I'm in social media. I'm in corporate communications. Oh spa police. He's taking a picture of it. It's paper better than I thought. I thought it was going to be like those things outside the Biot de Change. It's a huge sort of... I'll put a picture of it up. What's inside? Sorry. It says, LucasAid Sport Warpack £2.50. It's very cheap.

That's a great deal. It's really... I forgot things were that cheap. It's like the spa version of the Wembley Arena sort of board. It's the best thing I've ever seen. Yes, it's like a stock market ticket. We've got to put a picture of this up. You need to see it. See, I'm out of touch. I do like visiting Northern Ireland. It's nice.

I'm a bit out of touch with the real world. I watched an episode of On the Bosses the other day, which was from when it was in... That'll bring you right back up from... ...when it reminded me of my youth, because it was in black and white which my youth was. But Reg Varney's character Stan, he got a job as an inspector and he said I'm gonna have to take this job as an inspector. I know I'll lose all my mates and everyone will hate me. He said but it's a few more quid a week and mum needs a new coat.

And I thought oh god I remember when life was actually like that. Well as you once pointed out the days when people just had one coat. You've heard Frank talk about that how you just identified someone by their coat. You know Trevor it was brown, brown, tan leather jacket coat. Oh yeah I know him. You're talking about Ireland Frank and and we've actually, we're going to the other, as I believe they say I've eaten in Harrow, the other place. We're going to the other place, Dublin. Oh yeah. Because Stephen has got in touch to say, Emily, Frank and Pierre, unsure whether this will be redacted, but re the little mermaid shiny boobs, perhaps you are mistaking these for the shiny boobs

of Molly Malone of Dublin's Fair City. Do you remember last, was it a couple of podcasts ago? Yes. I was suggesting that perhaps gross men had rubbed them raw. Oh. The shiny tits of the Copenhagen mermaid. Yes. Turned out that she bathed in matey.

I thought it was pervy men. I got that wrong, it is still pervy men, but I believe this is happening to Molly Malone in Dublin as opposed to the Little Mermaid. They have less of a thing for mermaids it turns out. She has very shiny boobs as tourists and Dublin residents. She's dressed though, Marlene Malone. It must be just rubbing the top half. Yes. Maybe she has a top displaying her en bon point. En bon point, I think it is. I don't know what that means. Oh, it's a great word. It's a lovely euphemism for the area you get, a lady gets. It's not exactly... Like cleavage?

Yeah, but it's a little more discreet and subtle than that. She's got a sort of a low cut blouse on, as if she was a colourful character. Yes. What does she sell? Cockles and mussels. Yes. And what does she sing? It always sounds like she, well she sings cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh. Frank Skinner won't be interested in that.

I always think that it sounds like she thought they was alive and when she looks down they've died. Alive, alive, oh. Dead, dead. So Stephen continues, tourists and Dublin residents give them a quick polish as they pass by her. I think it's a luck related thing. It's very common. I've known saints in churches with one shiny foot because people touch it on the way out. And Pierre will be off to Edinburgh next month. Grey Friars Bobby has got a very shiny snout.

Do you know, Grey Friars Bobby, who was something of a hero for me growing up, I was very obsessed. I did a school project entirely devoted to Grey Friars. I was obsessed. The dog obsession started early. And I was so disappointed when I went back to see Grey Friars. It was disgusting. There were cigarettes and what are those, Knoss cans? Well if you're going to sit on a grave for about five years, you're entitled to have a smoke. That's why people leave all those cigarettes under the statues, a little gift. You know I used to do a routine about the fact that he wasn't loyal at all but then actually accidentally buried the blokes till I holding the lead. Poor Bobby was stuck there with cats going, oh Bobby come on then, come on, fancy your chances and he's going if I can

get this lead off. But I don't know, is he thought of as existing is he thought of as existing now? Who? Grandfather's Bobby? Was he definitely a thing? I believe so. I like to think so. He was a great symbol of loyalty when we were growing up. What would that be now? What, a symbol of loyalty? A dog who never unfollowed his owner on Instagram, even after he stopped posting updates. Even after he decided to not be being an influencer anymore. Never unfollowed his owner on Instagram even after he stopped posting updates. Even after he decided to not be being influenced anymore.

Never unfollowed him? I'm following Balai Spa for updates. Regular updates. So you can cut. He's had some breaking news relucosate four packs. I'm going to give you another one of them. It sounds like the most Irish thing I've ever heard. Dramona cracker, 200 grams, two quid.

Everything's two quid. Brilliant. Oh, dear. We've heard from Sam regarding, we received the description of the bethonged man who had talked himself up in the hot weather. Oh, yeah, but the the cause and and use of talc was questioned and uh, let's face it the phrase nut paste was used. Yes. I think you used it. Yes. Don't make it abstract. Someone used the word. Hi folks. I'm re nut paste. Having worked in kitchens during my youth, I've seen many a chef use corn flour in place of talc as an anti-chafing solution. Have I done this myself? I couldn't

possibly comment, though I have seen lady chefs use the same methodology for the underboob. Really? Oh, God. But again, we have to ask the question, does it not simply form a chafing paste? How does it help with chafing? When you say we have to ask the question. does it not simply form a chafing paste? How does it help with chafing? When you say we have to ask the question. Yes, minister.

Is this where the word baps comes from? They used the boomflower to make small rolls. They ended a long working day to discover a sort of roll had formed. Exactly, they just straightened the oven. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Already risen. Yeah. And like Dave the baker saying, here, actually I've got one here as well for you. Oh, there you go.

Right on the right. I fucked up and pull it through one of the broken holes of my string pants. Baguette. Frank, I also just want to pass on a lot of people are saying this is this is a great moment for you and they want to let you have it because... Let him have it. We've gone through all the 60s and 50s murders. I spotted this article on Flying Ant Day and immediately thought of you and how you were cruelly mocked on Graham Norton's show for mentioning a certain insect uprising. Now it looks like we will all now finally feel the full wrath of Flying Ant Day, because it's said to be the worst one we've ever had this year. You can finally stand proud, swatter in hand and proclaim told you so. In case you don't know a bit of background, I was on Graham Norton with James McAvoy and-

Marianne Cotillard. Yeah, and who was the actor? Michael Fassbender. Michael Fassbender. And those three and Graham Norton, none of them had ever heard of Flying Ant Day. And you raged it and said, oh, isn't it, you know- When I talked about it, they honestly just mocked me.

They really did, they went, oh, I don't know what that is. And I remember I broke the great of Norton House rule of saying, oh, well, I suppose if you're really famous, it kept him. And he goes, no, no, we can't. No, sure, we can't have any of that talk, sweetie. And so I think that was maybe one of the reasons. Have you not been invited back since? No, I was invited on there.

I did it twice during Covid when proper stars wouldn't do it. You risked your life. Yeah, I realised then I was on the list of British celebrities we can afford to lose. Only book if pestilence wore famine. Exactly. Or pestin'. I think the thing is Frank, I would describe you as a tremendously honest soul and sometimes the showbiz contract dictates unnecessary dishonesty. No but it makes sense, I'm Graham Norton, he cannot have any idea that celebrity might be a sort of pampered lesser thing because that's you know they're all big

stars on there. Yes, yes. They're sort of cosplaying intimacy to a degree and down to earthness. Yeah. And you spoiled it. But when Marianne Cottyard is telling you there's no such thing as flying ants. Well, she's the face of Chanel. Is she really? Yeah. She done well for us now. Oh, well, I'd probably have let her go near her. You have to say to her, that's what your gardening staff are doing.

Yeah. On the hottest day of the year. Flaming. Yeah, but then again, then another alarm goes off. Please remove from the building. Alarm. Yes. Yes.

Good. Anyway, so yes. Do you know what? It is a great moment for you. I am pleased that you're having it. Flying Ant Day. You know I haven't seen a single flying ant this year. No, well they're on their way.

They've been reported. On their way from whence? worry. They've been reported. On their way from whence? Beneath the very cloud. Well, what they're doing, no, I know a lot about it. Because the wingless ones that we see, you know the ones that build the little civilizations on the paving stones? The strivers.

They're the infertile females. When I got very deep into the Anglo-Saxon grain, I found a lot of orange ants who were deep, deep down there. And there was worms as well. Worms you think would leave their bodies alone after 1400 years. Give it a rest, fellas. They still move into cars. They get to know them. Yeah.

Also, they're insatiable. But they're, you know, they're... How many generations? The worms're insatiable. But they're, you know, how many generations? The worms are insatiable. They eat soil. But how many generations of worm have been down there in that grave? Frank, may I tell you something before we go? Sorry, I interrupted you. We the flying ants, it's called, and this makes me ill, the nuptial flight. Because what they're doing, the winged ones,

the male ones and the virgin queens, they're basically having relations up there. Is it like when you see women with wings on their hen nights? Yes, it's like a lad's stag weekend or the hen weekend. Oh no, not the flying fiancee day. If you live somewhere without a lot of noise pollution far from a motorway or a flight path, you can hear the ants going, oi oi oi.

That's what they're doing. Shutting, oi oi oi. Ooi oi oi. Go on, myself. One of the very rare times you hear a wolf whistle there, is flying ants day. Well, you won't hear much after the act because the male dies immediately afterwards, fabulous, and the female eats her own wings, wouldn't you?

Well. That is Flying Ant Day. So they're all single parents then, ants? I mean, you say single parents. And recycling. Yes. But the children are left fatherless because the father sadly dies and the mother eats her own wings off.

And I don't think life is great for her afterwards. Wouldn't it be that easy to eat your own wings, would he? It'd be like licking your own elbow. But it's like, yeah. Let's leave it there, fellas. Just get in that round. Leave it there. I mean, she can't go right down to the base.

You'd never be able to chew it. Maybe they just pop off. Maybe she just tears them out. My flying days are over, et cetera. Do you know what? I'd be very happy to be one of the infertile female workers on the ground. Do you know where you are with paving slabs? I think we should just use that as the trailer.

No context at all. I should say by the way that every Wednesday there's a new episode of Frank Skinner's Radio Days which is, well it's the 15 years of radio that we and others did and it's been cut down into nice bite-size half-hour episodes which should be greatest hits. Yeah, Archive Highlights. Yeah, thanks. And also there's a new series of my poetry podcast coming later this month. I'll keep you posted on that.

Fantastic. And I won't be sleeping now. I'm fretting about that. Anyway I'm going to eat me wings. As I think Claire Rainer used to say. I think it's time we got our wings. It's Frank of the Radio, Frank of the Radio, Frank of the Radio. It's the Frank Skinner podcast don't you know. Thanks for listening to the podcast, make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode and if you want to get in touch you can email the podcast via frankofftheradioatavalonuk.com