The Frank Skinner Show - Moustache

Episode Date: September 22, 2025

Frank has a new favourite TV show and has been to a History Festival. Pierre fears he's weirded someone out and we have the answer to a previous mystery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. The twisted tale of Amanda Knox is an eight-episode episode Hulu original limited series that blends gripping pacing with emotional complexity, offering a dramatized look as it revisits the wrongful conviction of Amanda Knox for the tragic murder of Meredith Kircher and the relentless media storm that followed. The twisted tale of Amanda Knox is now streaming only on Disney Plus.

It's Frank off the radio, featuring him and that harsh radio, and the one with the French name from South Africa came, they're all here open brackets, to rain, close brackets, today. This is Frank Off the Radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Piano Valli. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via Frank Off the Radio, Avalon, U. people still do or in the WhatsApp section

0757 4757 417 69 I always forget it's that one when he lingers over 69 It starts so beautifully

I know he might have put a bit of slurping in the background and had done with it It's just the minor key He knows what he's doing Yes These men do know. Fell asleep the moment his feet touched the pillow, as they say.

Oh, Frank, that's disgusted. Well, love isn't all roses, you know. No. There's a bit of manure involved. Really is. Okay. So, you know, we do adverts now on the show, and we are plugging the TV license.

Yeah. Which must have been educational for me. I thought it was BBC and that was it. That's a bit more. I chose King and Conquer as my favourite thing. In the least surprising news of the year, may I say. It's great. I was at, and I'll maybe talk a bit more about this later,

I was at last weekend, I was at the Gloucester History Festival. Oh. Being interviewed by Janina Rameen. Do you know her? No. She's the sort of goth historian. She arrived in a sort of Richard the Third cheek.

I think I have seen her on social media maybe. She had a car park on her, Ed. No, that would have been right. And she didn't have, I'm trying to describe the classic. Richard the Third. I can't think of the right word. So are you talking about the Richard the Third Silhouette? Shoulder Mound.

Yeah, no shoulder mound. No porral dreams. You could just describe it as a classic. silhouette. Yes, but she's very, very nice. And I told her on stage how much I love King and Conqueror and she said exactly what Pierre said when I said to him. She said, well, they got, they gave a moustache to the Normans. Yeah, big faux par.

Why? They were famously clean-shaven and sort of either bowl-haired or short-haired. I'm impressed they had razors back there. Oh, yeah, they were keen on it. The Anglo-Saxons were wall-to-wall mustaches. Why were they clean-shadens? Not in King and Conqueror. No.

But you know what? I don't think I've ever watched the programme where I've thought they've got the moustaches wrong. Maybe if you watch... Why'd you say moustache? If you watched a Hitler one. Excuse me. Why do you say moustache?

Isn't that... It's moustache, isn't it? I say moustache. Oh dear. You also said grass. But you don't say moustache. No. Mestosh.

You've got a d'etre. different, it's a third way, the Blairite option. I always try to follow the third way. I love, I love your weird pronunciations there, but I've never had moustache. It might be a West Midlands thing. I love it. I think we all said moustache. It's adorable.

Anyway, if they had Hitler with like a chopberry little pin thing, you might think, no, no, they can't have this. So I can see that, but I think for most... Hitler with a big Yosemite Sam. Or even like a sort of... Victorian strong man. I think Hitler did have a bushy one in World War I. He did, yeah. That was before waxing was invented.

Life in the trenches. He had it vanazzled with a sparkly swastika on the lower abdomen. My God, Frank. What would Blondie have made of that? I don't know. If only she was here now. How, Blondie. But anyway.

She didn't know, Frank. She had no choice? I said to Janina, what difference does that make to the programme was really... There were things in it which I knew. I'm pretty certain Edward the Confessor didn't beat his mother to death with the Crown of England, for example. No. Does that happen in the show, does it? Yeah. He exiled her.

Oh, well, fast forward to that then. But also, he never, he denies it afterwards. And I thought, what a shit nickname that turned out to be. Like Little John? Yeah. I thought it'd be one of those blocs who was down the police station twice a week saying, yeah, I killed that bloke in the woods. Have you heard him, yeah.

Stop bloody confess in, Edward. You're the king, you should be busier than this. Also, now they call him Edward the oversharer. I've got to tell you, though. T.M.I. Edward. Juliet Stevenson Edward T-M-I Julia

Stevenson was in it as like he's Edward the confessor's a wicked mother Yeah She was absolutely hateful You know in the best possible way Yeah When she got the crown killing

I thought you know You asked for that Okay How's my James in it My Norton He's brilliant He's the sort of you know, he's the

handsome Harold Godwinson. Yes. But yeah, it was that was great. It's no nipples drama as well, which I'm always more at home. Oh, is it clean? I don't mind heads coming off and blood squirting all over.

I don't want. You don't want the boobie honors. I think everything stops for the sex bits, don't you? Yeah. They did some good sort of sexual intrigue in Game of Thrones where they'd have a sort of top secret intrigue conversation in a kind of mad brothel. But generally it does stop.

There's a word for that, isn't that? What's the word for when you tell the story? Exposition. Yeah, sex position, I call it. And I've tried a few of those in my time. 69. Hands and feet in a court jog. But, yeah, it's that.

We've got to tell the story. So if she's got a sheet. Do they think that? Or do they just think there's lots of, you know, boys with hormones watching? Let's throw in some boobie on us. I don't like all that stuff. The other thing I like about it is the Vikings in it are really horrible thugs. Are they actually like that really then?

I used to listen. What got me into Anglo-Saxon history was a brilliant Anglo-Saxon podcast I would recommend by a bloke called David Crowther. And he used to say, look, I'm going to talk about the Vikings now. Now modern history tells us that we should celebrate. You know, they've been seen as thugs. But the truth is, you know, their art was fantastic. They were tremendous sailors.

They have great cultural history and great literary. He said, but, you know, if you met them, you'd still probably get an axe in the face. And I really like that. And they've gone with that in this program. They've met them real. they're just walking around the camp carrying severed heads, you know, like a handbag.

Oh, now I'm interested. Yeah. His name was Gucci. Anyway, so I was, I'd seen all eight episodes. I'd seen them in a lomp. And then I'm at this boot launch for my friend Kate Brian has got a book out. How to Art. And my friend who I was with goes, oh my God.

Oh, my God. James Norton's over there. The true king of England. So, yeah. So we went, I went, oh, James, how you doing? Have you met him before? Well, I had, but someone, he was on portrait artists of the year, this thing. He was painted on that.

That was a great move to be able to do that. Yeah. Anyway, I mean, the women around me, including my own wife, were a slightly, You know when someone's so good-looking that you think, oh, come off you. He's good-looking. What, come on, what the thought you're playing at? It's almost a deformity.

Well, men and women, you're just when you think, how can I take this serious being this good-looking? You want to point at their face and say, this can't be real. No, but he is, yeah, he's phenomenal. He's phenomenal, but he's a really nice bloke, as it turns out. But I said to him, I thought I'll go straight into dialogue from King and Conference. I hate it when you do this.

It's like when you see these Doctor Who people, he's so, oh. So it's a bit where he exiles it. Well, he doesn't ex. He gives his brother a Northumbria to rule, and it ends up going very wrong. So I said to him, quote in a character, you should never have sent Tostig to Northumberland. You know, he needed you. And he went, oh, right. But there was a slight tremor in his response, and I realised I'd said,

Toxvig. Sandy Toxvig? He must have thought, I said Sandy Toxies. Is this some sort of homophobic accusation of being confronted? Oh man. And not sent to Coventry but sent to Northumbria.

How was your night, James? Well, it was fine but Frank Skinner came up to me and remonstrated with me about Sandy Toxie. And now from Northumbria, it's QI. God, it's cold up here. It's Y-I. Yeah, exactly. But he was, can I say, he was tremendously nice.

And I was with my neighbour, and the official photographer came over and said, can't get a photo? And he just grabbed my neighbour and me. So she was so chuffed. She's in this photo like she's his best mate. He is the nicest man in the world and the best looking. That's not fair. That too should not.

They don't work. Good people are good looking people in my usual experience are bastards. It's true, male and female alike, spiteful, cruel, conscience-free, monsters. Well, I'd probably be like that if I was good-looking. Oh, you probably would if you were, yeah. Well, celebrities are sort of good-looking, and when I was very famous, I was the worst period behaviour-wise of my whole life. Oh, really?

Oh, yeah. It's just in a similar category of you saying if you were my size, you'd go around beating people. If I look like James Norton, I wouldn't have time to go to a book launch. I'd be shagging from dawn till dusk. It's absolutely disgusting. I'm always really impressed when good-looking people have read books. Yes. Why would you bother reading a book if I was Cara Delavine?

What's the point? Kevonis doesn't need to read a book? Let's make it clear. It doesn't happen that often. No. Let's not talk about like it's a commonplace. But why he was, we had a proper good chat about King and Conqueror because I didn't realize he was, so he's been working like,

it's kind of his project, his production company. Because when I saw executive producer, I thought, well, that's what actors do now. Like I saw an interview with, who's the one who stole my cleaner? I think you'll find that was Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig, and it was just before the new Bond film. I've been much more heavily involved with the script on this and done it quite a lot of work on it. Oh, don't get involved with the script.

I thought, oh no. So when James did that. When his character said, if only Daniel Craig, the actor was here. Yeah, exactly. The writer said our phone, Daniel. Can you imagine San Mendez? Oh, God, it's Daniel on the bloody phone again. He's got ideas.

Yeah, and then it was Quantum of Solis, which everyone went. It's the worst one. It's not the one you want to own up to. Brilliant, Bonner. I could talk about James Norton forever, and I will. But I just want to share this with you from one of our dear readers. Do you remember Eamon Andrews?

Of course I do. Eamon Andrews had a hit record, number one hit record. He was an Irish TV presenter. He presented This Is Your Life. Originally, this is your life. But he was a genial Irish presenter. And he did this. It had been a hit.

hit in America and it was in the days when for some reason they couldn't get American records to England unless they arrive with servicemen. There was no distribution. So people here would just nick those songs and do an English version and have the hit with it. Of course. So he did this thing called a spoken word thing called shifting whispering sands. Yes. That said, I discovered the valley of the shifting whispering sands while prospecting for God. in one of the Western states. That was how it started, I remember. Anyway, sorry, carry on.

Let's hope Drake covers that soon. We've had this. Do you remember we've been discussing, well, we're always a fan here, of interesting autobiography and memoir titles? We had Paul Sinner not so long ago. One Sinner Life, one in a lifetime. One Sinner Life, so.

We've had this example sent in from Ewan, which is Aiman Andrew's memoir. May I ask you boys to perhaps guess what you, well, you might have seen this because it's on our correspondence. This is my life. Do you know, I think that would have actually be better. Yeah.

You know what he went for? Amen Corner. Oh, Frank. You could have been a great advisor to him. Do you know what he went for, Frank? Forever and ever, Amen. So we went for the Amen. He went for the Amen, Frank.

And you know what I like, this is a very 70s thing to do with the strap line. The public and private life of Ames. And a massive picture of him on the front as well. Well, I'll tell you what's great. With no photoshopping or no attempt to look nice. In fact, they just took a photo in the 70s and put it on the cover with yellow teeth. I'll tell you my favourite, Amyne Andrews, too.

They used to have the ABA Championships on the telly, which is amateur boxing association. Everyone in the audience was in black tie. Oh, is that? And they'd have these boxes. and he was commentating on it but he was also at the time a keen amateur boxer so he did the first

fight and he said I'm handing over now to Jack Robinson he'll be doing the next couple of fights I'll be back with you later and then he's in the next fights I've been answered comes out

just three rounds with his flag and then after he comes after his back saying, anyway, back in the chair now, the next fight, didn't even refer back to his fight or anything. I wish what he was doing was that thing they always do were when they touched their cuffs to their mouth to remove the blood. I hope he was doing that.

Oh, yeah. It's not my favourite ever boxing commentary, and it shouldn't be, but it is, was Harry Carpenter commentating on an Alan Minter fight when there was a riot in the crowd. He said, oh, this is really disgraceful. Some of the, oh! And I've been it on the head by a bottle.

Oh, we shouldn't laugh, but it was like. What a professional, though. Never stop commentating. No, exactly. We will. We will laugh. People need to know what that noise was that I just made. You know what I love?

It's like, oh. Oh. I mean, it's on the head by a bottle. It's quite, it's not like, I mean, I met it big a fuss when I, when a ladybird went up my nose on the last podcast. Oh, dear. That's impressive. We've also had some other correspondents.

Well, we had an answer to a mystery. So this is from Alex regarding Clive Myrie's autobiography. Oh, yes. I used to work at the University of Sussex and I'm reliably informed by ex-colleges that in the last intake of freshers, every student enrolled at the university

was offered a free copy of Clive-Mari's autobiography. Can I say I went there and I was never offered one in my day? I know he wasn't famous. You could write to them and say. But I didn't get an Ian McEwen. Can I say, you know what we do adverts for things like this?

This is the sort of anti-advert for Clive Myris. They're basically free. It's like getting the metro on the tube. Or just like a pamphlet about sexual health. So hang on. Every undergraduate got given one. Every student enrolled. Wow.

At the university was offered a free copy of Clive Myrie's autobiography. It doesn't actually explain the, well, the 20. too came to the Oxfam shop. He attended the university and is perhaps the most notable alumnus following rocker Billy Idol and current leader of the opposition

Kemi Badenoch. And let's not forget Ian McEwen, excuse me. Oh really? Yes. So it seems to... Sidney Idol went to what university? Sussex.

University of Sussex. I don't remember seeing him there a little bit before my time. So it seems that spare 23 copies that were donated to the local charity shop 23 was here. Yeah, need to be added to the tally of 17,765 odd students who study at Suffolix.

When it says on the cover, the bestseller. So popular with the youth, all the kids have got a copy under their arm on campus. Oh, Clive, I'll buy it. Well, Alex does want to know, will Frank be donating several thousand copies of Frank Skinner by Frank Skinner to Birmingham Polytechnic? I actually signed a load of those at the Gloucester History Fair. At the end of it, Janine says, and Frank will be signing book. I says, what?

What books? A book ambush. And she said, your autobiography. I said, that's 25 years old. I felt sorry for her because I'd been talking about Anglo-Saxon history and my passion for all that. I talked about when we were on tour here and we'd go to places like to see the exit of book. Oh, yeah.

And then the people. people are going to think, what an interesting, erudite, fascinating man. And now I'll buy this book, which is just full of knob jokes and absolute obscenity. But you're completing the circle. All the people who want football cock get a bit of the former guy. All the people who want the former guy get a bit of football cock. It's the circle of football cock, open brackets, and Anglo-Saxon history. I know where those bits are, and I don't go to them.

That's actually the opening sentence. During the Volvo Fall Experience event, discover exceptional offers and thoughtful design that leaves plenty of room for autumn adventures. And see for yourself how Volvo's legendary safety brings peace of mind to every crisp morning commute. This September, Lisa 2026 X-E-90 plug-in hybrid

from $599 by week. at 3.99% during the Volvo Fall Experience event. Condition supply, visit your local Volvo retailer or go to explorevolvo.com. When your investors, customers, and workers demand more from your business, make it happen with SAP. The AI-powered capabilities of SAP can help you streamline costs, connect with new suppliers, and manage payroll,

even when your business is being pulled in different directions. To deliver a quality product at a fair price, while paying your people what they're worth too. so your business can stay unfazed. Learn more at SAP.com slash uncertainty. You can get protein at home or a protein latte at Tim's.

No powders, no blenders, no shakers. Starting at 17 grams per medium latte, Tim's new protein lattes, protein without all the work, at participating restaurants in Canada. Can I say, by the way, speaking of correspondence, I was sent three brochures on the venerable bead

from a person I can only describe as 766 because that's how they've signed it. And they sent me out of the blue, three brochures, and look very interesting, I will peruse. And they've written these were getting thrown out at work so thought they could be saved. That's nice. What job do you do where someone is throwing out

some venerable bead brochures. It has to be Beed World. It has to be Beed. Why would they throw out? I wonder along. They're refurbishing their brochure catalogue. Okay.

Maybe they're updating some of the graphics. They're including some new information about calculating Easter. Beed doesn't have graphic. It's got graphics coming out of his ears. It's a funny old fella, isn't he? He's no northern, that's for sure. Anyway, they were free.

It's all going to be. I don't want to paint bead as some sort of Clive Myrie figure was having to give away his brochures. I can't wait for Chris Sina to play Bede in that new adaption. Oh, I'd love to play Bede. Anyway.

Speaking of books, on Saturday, I had to interview a man about his book. Who was it? It was Oliver Berkman. I know Berkman. Do you? Everyone knows everyone.

I don't know him personally, but I'm familiar with Berkman's ever. No, I don't know him. Explain. He wrote... Was he in Casablanca? If he was, he kept it to himself. That was angry, Bergman.

Fine. Go on. He wrote a column for the Guardian for, I think, sort of 16 years or a very long-standing column. I think it was called This Column Will Change Your Life. Is that right? I read a little bit of it in advance, but he's got a new book out, Meditations for Mortals. Not Meditation. That's how he can tell.

Do you have a trick like this? He said that's how he can tell the sort of radio host who hasn't read the book, hasn't read the book. What do you mean? Well, because it's meditations as in sort of Marcus Aurelius, like things to meditate on. Whereas he'll call in to whatever show and they'll go, so how do you like to meditate all of it?

Yeah. And he'll go, oh, I see. That's like those people when you interview them. I've spoken to a few people like this of you who intentionally mentioned something like quite far on in the book when they're being interviewed. Or they'll just make something up. Well, I interviewed a man who had been given license by the family of HG Wells

to write the sequel to War of the Worlds. Wow. And at the end of it, it went well. It's a nice interview. A big crow turned on. You know the sci-fi crowd, they'll turn up. And he said to me after, thank you so much for reading the book. And I said, what do you mean?

He said, well, I've done like 50 interviews. I'd say you're probably the third person. person who's right you're kidding yeah no supervets said the same to me third though they don't read it oh no anyway so oh so the book is sort of um things like silencing your inner critic and sort of life advice like that and stop trying to do everything at once and and so on and i actually i really enjoyed it is at the royal geographical society and it was all very nice and a very interesting crowd came to to watch i was now i wasn't sure who to expect who michael parley i would think would be there.

So the front row, how do I stop going on holiday? Please help me. I can't keep going abroad. I think he's a form of president. I mean, I imagine other than him and Phineas Fogg.

I don't know any other. Well, I've done something there. What was that? I spoke to a man who rescues dogs and has a dog, a hospital for dogs in Thailand called Tina's Hospital for Dogs that aren't doing so good.

Really? Yes. He's called Tina. No, the dog was called Tina. He lost his dog. But he named it in honor of Zoolander. Oh, of course. I've never seen Zoolander.

Oh, you should. You'd enjoy it. It's good fun. So, it's all very sort of nice advice and thoughtful and interesting and so on. And I did all my reading to make sure I didn't make the radio DJ mistakes. But I accidentally weirded him out because some of the book is about not trying to over-optimize your life. What does that mean? So, like, not thinking, like, well, I'll do this, and then I'll clean the house, and then I'll make sure that, and I'll be a huge failure if by the end of the day I haven't also done, you know, the other 40 things on my to-do list.

Yeah. The advice is very much along the lines of do two or three of the things well and just accept that you have a limited amount of time as a person. Right. Which is very nice. I do not live like that. And I said, oh, like when you try and figure out the best order in which to remove and also then prepare things in a recipe from the fridge. and he said what and I went you know

and I looked at the crowd and it was a sea of blank horrified faces so you take them out in order I think in advance about the best order in which to remove and then prepare the different ingredients and something I'm like that's such a shame

like I'm but this thing I tried to move on because I thought I looked like a freakia and he went bearing of mind I'm supposed to be interviewing him about his book He went, no, no, tell me more about that. Like a therapist who's just hit upon a little confession. Why do you do that?

Is it a ritual thing, do you think? It's compulsive. I just, I hate the idea of wasting time, which is, like, I also try and figure out the optimal number of times I can avoid going back upstairs. Yes, well, I certainly do that. You like to love. But that's your knees, Frank. Also, I like things to be, I like things to be. You've got 50 floors.

You don't need a base camp. I like things to be. in the right order, certainly. You know the disappointment when you get up and the shower precedes the shit? Yes. I mean, that's just not what you want. You don't need to quote Shakespeare to me, Frank.

I know all too well what you mean. You and your solids. No, do you know, Frank once told me he's so lazy. As the shower precedes the shit. It's actually Gilbert and Solof. The punishment fits the crime. So couldn't be bothered to go up the stairs that when he discovered he had someone homeless his shit

on his pants, on his trousers, and he had to take them off. He stayed on your sofa and pants. It was a theory, and I realised I hadn't got that person. Yeah, but the point being, you still wore pants for the whole evening because you couldn't bother to go upstairs. Anyway, back to care. But this is exactly it.

So imagine that mindset, but with the approach of, well, the right order in which to use the good knife to dice these things so that they don't get flavors on each other or, like it's, and the timings. But do you rank that? So if you were going to do carrots first, would they be like a cue. Yeah.

And one would be, if you were going to do parsnip second, they'd be behind the carrot. So they would, it wouldn't, it would, it would, it would, it would, it's sort of anti-clockwise around the cutting board. Oh, okay. Oh, that makes more sense. Right hand. You know, and then it's all in order, and nothing goes wrong.

But that sounds great to me. I'd never do it, but it sounds great. It sounds a little stressful, if I'm honest. It does use a lot of energy. Yes. I do feel I could be using this energy to be having some sort of fun time. No, but think of the energy it saves. No, you couldn't.

No, I couldn't. When it's all laid out, you're saving energy then because it's there. Do you think something bad is going to happen, Pierre? No. It's not a superstition basis. No, it's not the classic sort of OCD, you know, like, Light switch 10 times or my family will die kind of thing. No, no, no.

It's purely a kind of obsession with... I shouldn't have turned those lights on and off so often. Yeah, exactly. That's why the Nazis arrived. They wondered why the lights were flashing. It's about saving time and not wasting my own day kind of thing. It just feels like a victory every time you save even like five seconds. You think I'm ahead. I'm winning.

Right. All right. It's like trying to outrun the sun. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling tense in my shoulder. I just said, when you said winning, it felt very Charlie Sheen. Tiger Blood? Yeah. No, he's cleaned his act up now. I saw a documentary with him the other day.

He's totally clean now. Still a complete narcissist, it turns out. I feel someone with the surname like Sheen ought to be totally clean. Well, it's unfair that he got that far ahead in film because his dad was Mr Sheen. Yeah, and his brother kept the family name of Toilet Dock. So did it? It went well, the talk. I think so. It was nice. It was interesting for, given that it's a big book of advice, some of the audience questions were very thoughtful. They were coming through on an iPad. And some of the audience questions were from people who truly had read the book and absorbed absolutely nothing of its messages. One of the questions was along the lines of, but what if my neuroticism is the reason why I'm good at things? Have you thought about that, Mr. Perkman?

But that's a good question. Yeah. Well, he was saying, you know, they basically, they were saying, oh, my, my mind. of obsessive productivity is the reason I've done so well, maybe. And he said, well, that's fine, but if you're doing something to, you know, make up for your failure to your mother as a child or, you know, to try and finally impress someone, then the motivation is not good. So the result will never satisfy you because it'll never be enough. So is it a self-help book? I would say so, yeah.

I think I would put it in that category. Okay. But it's quite, it's a bit more English than that. it's not so Californian okay well that's a good that's always a good thing it's a real mercy I'm very very glad to have

he's from Yorkshire Oliver Berkman there's no it's the opposite of California oh okay meditating Yorkshire he should have called I would definitely be involved in that yes I bet I um

at the Gloucester history festival I went to I got to Paddington on the morning he said hello Mr Skinner I did pass... Do you wear in your pants again? He's outpagint, I mean, he's there in brass.

Has he got brass in pockets? No, he's got brass in arteries. But anyway, I got there and it said, Gloucester train cancelled. Oh, I thought, oh, I'd said to them, don't leave it too near the... As is tradition. Yeah.

So I went up to this very helpful B.R. man, then I'll still be R. No, it haven't been for about 42 years. Yeah, it's a railway man. Great Western Rail probably. Yeah, and he said, yeah, you can oh, he said you might have to blow. I said, can I just ask you, why is it being cancelled?

And he said, we just don't have enough trains. I said, I think I would have counted them before I did the time. He said, look, I don't, you know, I'm not involved in any of that. But he did help me. Well, I'm not more than any of that. When he says any of that, trains.

What does he mean? But what does he mean? But we don't have enough trains. So is he saying, no, no, no, I'm not important. A far, far stupider person is important. Oh, man. So that started. Did you get a train in the end then? Yeah, I did get a train.

But of course, I was late. It was one of those platforms of two levers, like in an old show. Not one of them. So very good though for the quads. Yeah. Great way to travel. It's a great way for a prisoner to escape as well. Yeah.

So I was approaching the station late, obviously, so I had to go by a different route. And there was a driver waiting for me there. So he phoned me up and he said, what's happening? And I said, oh, the train's going to be another 10 minutes. It's running late. And he went, oh.

And I thought This isn't going to be a good job. You don't like me saying, you don't get a lot of respect from drivers. I've had a bad. I've had a bad. Why don't they respect you around? See, the only other thing he said to me on the journey was we weren't past a building site.

He said, why are they building fucking houses everywhere? I thought, that's good, isn't it? Isn't that a good? Maybe because there's a housing crisis. Also, just as a direct question, I don't have to be sure like Holmes to figure out the answer. It's not for fun. Oh, no, but it's a good thing, surely.

They want people to have houses to live in. Why is there? Supermarkets full of food every day for people to buy. So anyway, it was really enjoyable. You should go to Glasgow's a history festival. I notice he didn't say that to me. No. And you notice? He really directed that up there. Well, I thought Pierre could be interviewed there.

How could you? Would I hate it? No, not at all. Is there any tuna things? You know, proper big historian. Any Tudors? Yeah. Okay, good.

It must have been. It's by law in the UK in England. Tudor every. But there's things like, who's Alice Roberts? Oh, yeah. And just lots of famous history people. Anyone, there's a woman in the audience who held up a hand to ask a question. And I can set up and see your history fan.

You got a Lord Nelson tattoo. And she said, no, it's Marilyn Monroe. She was in, like, the third row. And I said, that explains, like, when I walk past the column sometimes, I think she didn't look anything like that in some, like it, heart. We all remember when she lost an eye and an arm fighting the French. Yeah. Yeah.

It was when he was standing over that great. I know, but I mean that was, that is a major error. That famous quote from Trafalgar. If you can't handle me at my handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. A cannonball in the arm can be quite continental. But anyway, so

are these girls' best friends? So yeah, so I travel first class on Great Western Railway. Did you get your freebies then? Well, the problem is if you do we I mean, first class is a lot. It sounds great. Yeah, but what about when they deregulate the train? It's not just that.

It's just sometimes you get a hot meal and it's great. And the bloke came around and I said you got any, he had tea and coffee. I said you got any food. I've had this before and he says, we've got crisps and biscuits. Yeah. I said, okay. He said, and we've got the snack box. Oh, yeah.

And I said, what's in the snack box? he said, crisps and a biscuit. I said, isn't that a waste of cardboard? He said, I know, I know, but I tell everyone what's in it, you know, to say. But what the fuck? I think you'll find what they're doing is upselling there. Were they the same? Because, yeah.

Yeah, so he said it was a chocolate caramel biscuit. Yes. And I heard someone say, if you got any salt and feeling, he said, no, no, no, just ready salt. that's all we got. So it's some brand of crisp that's not commercially available. Davies crunches or something.

They're always something like train crisps in their call. They never have nice crisps and they never have pink lady apples. No, they didn't have any fruit at all. So first classes, like I say, it's a toss of a coin. People on trains don't want fruit, Frank. All you can guarantee

will be different is you get an anti-Maccasa to lean your head on. Other than that, it's the same. Yes. And a special little, for your hot coffee so it doesn't turn into a scalding farce. I didn't get the pad. You're not? No.

That's sabotage. But I got the stick, the stirring stick, and he came in a little packy. Oh, they'll give you lots of stirring sticks. I'm all right with those. I could have built a small raft and gone home by canal. The catering would probably

still have been better. Frank, before we head off, I just want to draw your attention to something, which is an outside, a bit of outside well from one of our lovely readers, you were talking just now about the Nelson Marilyn Monroe Tattoo Debark What they've written in about that already? No, but they have written in sending a picture of Ferdinand V of Austria

which they spotted on a recent visit to the Town Hall Museum in Bratislava. More royal blood for Frank to go along with his connection to Queen Marguerite of Denmark. You do look astonishingly like this guy, Ferdinand the 5th of Austria. Would he have been a duke or is he just called

Ferdinand the 5th I don't understand depends on the year it could have been an emperor It's a pity the search for my family tree on who do you think you are was abandoned

early on without any explanation from the production We still don't know why I could have royal blood in me If anyone from who do you think you're listening Please

Well now the people When they were going to do me They would have passed on Most of the production This is bloody years ago It was a lot closer to the history. You know what I mean?

They didn't have so far back to go. Well, I just, I won't rest. Honestly, it was 20 odd years ago. I won't rest until I see you pouring over some old documents with white gloves. That's what I want. Anyway, I'm going to put this up on social media. Well, PSM in me doing that several times.

I have. Literally. I'm going to put this up on social media. I'm not going to show you yet. I might show you after because I'm not confident how you're going to react to this. It's a bold one. And can I remind you?

of one of, on the Nelson theme, one of my, a thing that, you know, when you think of a joke and you're so excited, you can't wait to get it out, and then nothing happens. I was in a pub, and I think it was either Melton Moab, right? Now, I think it was a Stilton. Right. And there was a pub called the Nelson Arms,

with a picture of Lord Nelson. And I said to the people in the bar, you should have called it the Nelson Arm. They've got nothing. Absolutely. And I thought, if this gag doesn't go here in the Nelson arms, what chance have I got? So all you kids listening to this

who's gags in the playground are dropping like dead birds to the ground. It even happens to the greats. Wow. By the way, this week's episode of Frank Skinner's Radio Days is out on Wednesday. We're in 2010 and we've gone to Blackpool for the George Formby Convention. He-he, he turned out nice again.

It's Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, it's the Frankskinner podcast, don't you know? Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via Frank off the radio at avalonuK.com.