The Frank Skinner Show - Nut Paste

Episode Date: June 30, 2025

Frank reveals a faux pas that still haunts him. Also there's Hans Christian Anderson goss, French puns and Murderpedia. Email via [e-mail] and Whatsapp us on 07457417769. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

ActionWears shutting down. So it's your shot to score Canadian made fire resistant work wear at below cost prices. No gimmicks, no back orders. This is industrial grade gear trusted by crews in oil and gas, mining, forestry and more. It's built right, priced low and moving fast. Click to shop now before your sizes and styles are gone. Under the Mat, a dark history podcast unlocks the lesser known narratives of our past. This bi-weekly show dives into the darker corners

of history with a feminist anti-violence lens, focusing on meaningful stories rather than sensationalism. Join creator and host, Aubriannaanna Snow in bringing light to the stories of those most impacted by abuses of power. Learn more and listen now at underthemattpod.com. It's Frank off the radio, featuring him and that Parsh radio, and the one with the French name, from South Africa came. They're all here, open brackets, hooray. Close brackets today.

Well now, this is Frank off the radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Navelli. Follow the podcast on, I remember Ted Rogers, the comedian who was doing a one-man show about Danny Kay, saying to me, when I start, I said, and tonight I'm doing a show about Danny Kay, real name David Daniel Kowalski. He said, you know, get a laugh on the name.

And I thought, really? Anyway, I tried it with Pierre Nave Novelli but it didn't work. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via Frank of the Radio at AvalonUK.com. You can WhatsApp us on Eenie Meenie Miney. Four one seven, seven six nine. Four one seven, four five seven. Four one seven, seven six nine. Have they dried up? No, that was lovely by the way. How dare you?

How dare you ask me that? That was Stephen Clarke. Oh sorry. That one is... I forgot we were on here. Yeah. That one is like a scene in a Michael Mann film where the detective is barging through a nightclub. Do you remember the most?

In the 80s, like, get out of my way! Are you going to talk or not? I told the feds. Can we talk about this on air that I once did the most terrible faux pas? That was awful. Can we mention it? Yes, of course. Mention it all.

My wife, she wasn't my wife then, said to me, and this is a phenomenon I wasn't aware of at the time, she said, when I'm having my period, my sense of smell gets so intense. I walk down the street, I can smell people's bins, I can smell where dogs have weaved. She said, it's really, my sense of smell goes crazy. So then we were doing a radio show at the time which you can hear the archive of actually. What's it called? It's called Frank Skinner's Radio Days and it's been broken down into small chewable pieces, a bit like hazlick. And you can hear the ups, I think it's Wednesdays they come out. Yeah Wednesdays. Anyway, so we were doing this Friday our show and

Emily was, we were sitting around waiting for the show to the studio to empty so we could go in and Emily said, someone smells really awful in here. And I said, you have in your period. Meaning. Absolutely disgusting. Meaning. You'd made that connection privately in your head. Oh but he hadn't told me. No, no. That's what I mean. No, but Emily went, what? And I said, you know, she said what? And I said, oh no, no, look, oh, and it all happened in one say. I meant to touch your sense of smell, get really intense. But it just sounded. Meanwhile, over on the east side of that comment, can you imagine saying, oh, something smells awful and a man says, are you on your period?

Maybe it's you. Yeah, like, oh, maybe it's your rancid old period problems. Oh, god. Absolutely. It was awful. Do my God. Absolutely. It was awful. It was wonderful. Do you know I still have flashbacks of that? Do you?

It was the moment when I realised that we were on cross purposes. I mean, there's cross purposes in the cross, it sounded like the most vile remark. I bet Kath can believe it when you told her what you said. It's because it was a bit showing off that I knew something about it. I don't even know if, I'm not going to ask, I don't even know if that's a general thing

or if it's just Kath. No, I think, I relate to that. Good. So anyway, that's that. After that. You say that's that, I haven't let you forget it. I love your skirt by the way, can I say that? Maybe we'll put a little picture up.

Maybe. I've gone through a bit of a sort of Thumbelina vibe. Yeah, yeah. Bit of a ballerina. Thumbelina, Thumbelina, pretty little thing. Tiny little thing. Oh sorry, could we do that again, Geoff? Thumbelina dance.

Thumbelina sing. No, you're all right. I think I went to school with. Thumbelina. Thumbelina dance. Thumbelina sing. No, you're alright. I think I went to school with. Thumbelina. Thumbelina sing. Fine. It's absolutely silly. It's good we were, you know, we were pioneers. What is that from? West Midlands. That's a Danny Kay song, thanks. Yes, it's Daniel David Kowalski. No laugh. He did a thing, I think it's about Hans Christian Andersen and that was one of his stories, was Thumbelina about a girl who was as big as her, same size as a thumble. A thumble, yeah.

Do you know what a thumble is? Sure. I have a story about Hans Christian Andersen. I do too. You go first. Okay, I'll go first. Well I came across this, you know when you come across a bit of old school gossip. Yeah.

And I was obsessed with this. I've been reading up on Hans Christian Andersen's relationship with Charles Dickens. Do you know about this? No. Oh. Where was Hans Christian Andersen from? He was... Danish. Danish? Very good. I knew it was one of those.

That's why they've got the little mermaid statue in Copenhagen. Oh very good. With the boobs. Of course. I love the little mermaid. Of course you do. Disgusting. I love mermaids. Oh yeah. Generally. As city statues go it's better than the weeing boy in Belgium. Well is that the one where the men have rubbed the boobs so many times they've disappeared or whatever. I don't believe. I think it's in the sea. I don't think you can rub the mermaid statue. It's not in the sea. It's next to it. No the boobs have been rubbed I think. It's disgusting. No, they haven't.

I went out with a mermaid. Polished by concerned citizens? Let him do his mermaid. The terrible thing, sorry, what was you saying? Polished by concerned citizens. They just haven't got round to... It's very civic minded. This needs some basse-all.

Now there was a joke that I loved. Once the kids are shiny enough, we'll move on to the rest of her. We just need to make sure the breasts are... 100%. Stop now. Can you please tell us more? I went to see her quite recently. I did a gig in it.

Well, you were with me. Yes, we went to Kirtland Harbour. Stay well. She didn't have particularly shiny breasts. I don't remember being blinded by them. No, exactly. No, I understand you're late, Hercules. Yeah. Will you?

There was, I thought it was odd to see headlights on the beach. Will you tell your mermaid joke? So it does, it's sadly it's a joke that was killed by decimalisation, which is such a... But it was, I went out... Oh, there's a lot of your jokes. And other reason, I'll explain why it doesn't work anymore. I went out with a mermaid once, 36, 24 and 3 and 6 apparent. Oh God. I think it's also killed by political correctness. Yeah but it's also, when they used to have brute beauty contests on the television, they

used to say what they call their vital statistics wasn't that awful when you think back it was nearly all 36 they would just say their name and what their boobs bum and waist never blood pressure never never they didn't know white blood cell count or any of the other results actually Julia and Eric Morley didn't know no that is Julia and Eric Morley didn't know. No, that is Julia and Eric Morley. Frank does contest judges. Yeah, they are the Zeus and the Hera of Miss World. They devised it. Is this before Donald? Do you think they sat at home just saying, why don't we do it? How did they come up with the Well, it was a common thing. That was how comedians met their wives in the old days.

Yes it was. They would judge beauty contests. There was another way they did it. There was an element I loved that one. They took a flight to Sweden on a commercial airline. They would often get an air host. And the DJ. The radio DJ had the Swedish wife air hostess. Let's not go into what the radio DJ had.

I mean you know you've taken it. That's the best case scenario. Okay, can I tell you about Hans Christian Andersen and Charles Dickens? So I was reading this, it's extraordinary. Hans Christian Andersen was a massive fan of Charles Dickens. Like, huge fan. To the extent where he contacted him and said, look, I really want to come and stay with your family.

Charles Dickens being British and very polite and said okay please do you know you may come and stay. It was an absolute disaster on account of Hans Christian Andersen being an absolute weirdo. You're right. Apparently. I sat on his lap do you remember there was a statue where you could sit on Hans Christian Andersen's lap in Copenhagen. He went to watch, Dickens thought, well I better take him to a play, I better do something. So he took him to a play, I think Queen Victoria was present, and Hans Christian Andersen felt he wasn't getting enough attention at the theatre. So he burst into tears and started really dramatically sobbing and had to be taken home.

Right. And then he was upset that they went, Dickens took him to the after party and then he was furious because no one came up to him and everyone came up to Charles Dickens. We don't want to be hanging out with Charles Dickens if he looks into the centre of attention in Victorian England. So at the after party, because everyone's going, oh, Mr. Dickens, Christian Anderson got nothing. He cried and sulked

and went home. They're coming up to him and saying, I loved Tiny Tim. And Hans Christian Anderson was there going, oh, he didn't even have a tail of a fish. What about the money? Not good enough for you? Too much fish for you? It'd be much bigger than a thumble. This is how you say it, yes? Whilst he was staying at the Dickens household, he opened up his own business and found out

he'd got a bad review and he was so upset, it said he flung himself onto the Dickens family lawn and started sobbing loudly. Oh gosh. So Dickens, eventually, he was meant to stay for two weeks, he ended up staying for five weeks. Dickens had to eventually say look mate I think it's time for you to go. Have to go back to Denmark. And he wouldn't stop crying and was furious so ended on very bad times anyway the point of this is after he

left Dickens left a note in the room he'd stayed in which was kept there stayed there forever saying Hans Christian Andersen slept in this room for five weeks, which seemed to the family ages. Wow. Commemorative. Yes. And after he left, Charles Dickens wrote a book about the way the little mermaid statue was re-treated in Copenhagen called The Tale of Two. Never mind that, Mrs. Oh my God. But who knew Hans Christian Andersen was such a high maintenance boy? It's so strange to, because if you see a picture of him, he looks like a Victorian gentleman.

So he's got a mustache and a little beard and sideburns and wavy hair and a waistcoat. Top hat he liked. Yeah. But the image of someone who looks to our eyes, the picture of a stern Victorian adult man going, boo hoo hoo, and flailing around a lawn. Must have been horrifying. I wonder if he was just a bit emo and ahead of his time and Eurodivergent and Dickens was just a little bit British and buttoned up. Sounds like a mad narcissist.

If he wanted attention, he should have done what people do, you know, become a celebrity first and then become a children's writer. Yes, yeah, Hans Christian Andersen enters the villa. But anyway, my story, my story was... The Danish bombshell has entered the villa. I went to a Edinburgh show and it was called Hans Christian Andersen and it was a man playing Hans Christian Andersen and the reason I went is because there used to be a big thing called the Fringe Club where people would go into five or ten

minutes from their show as a little taster and he went on and introduced the show and then he did a bit and he said when he came on stage I I'm doing a play about Hans Christian Andersen. I Had the idea of playing Hans Christian Andersen because people are always telling me I look like him I have an image of him on the night boss where people are saying, God have you seen who's on the back seat? Being abused by hooligans. Yeah.

Alright Hans, I was a little mumber. Alright, ugly duckling. Excuse me. I mean, who knows? I love the idea. You know the medieval painter Jotto? You look just like him. Exactly like him. To be fair, I can say I have been told repeatedly that I look like the author of Dracula, Brown Stoker. Oh no, you do look like him. Do you look like him?

I've told you many times. And I was told I look like Nigel Clopp, which to be fair I do a bit. The younger Nigel Klopp. Who did you get again? I got Mr Lardy Dog on a graham I think. Oh and Queen Marguerite the second of Denmark. Oh I definitely look like her. We'll put that up on, have you not seen that?

There's a Danish theme running through here. We'll put that on the social media, it's absolutely uncanny. I've even had Jonathan Ross send me pictures of her saying this is Frank. My son did a school camp and when he came back my wife put up a banner saying welcome home and she put an insignia on it which she had designed. Which featured two things that Buzz was very passionate about. Oh, that is the cutest thing. Can we do an audio description of what you've just seen, Pierre? For the listener, it's the Ghostbusters logo with the head replaced by the head of the dog, Poppy. Not literally, the dog is fine.

It's the cutest thing I've ever seen. It works perfectly. Anyway, listen, I had a... sorry, will you come back to this? No, I've done my hands Christian Anderson and Dickensby. A hysterical fan. I got an email today. Yes. Before I left. Congratulations, well done. Before I left this morning. Do you remember when I said there was a Ruth Ellis night? Ruth Ellis, in case you don't know, was the last woman to be hanged in Britain in 1955, certainly in England

anyway. And she shot her boyfriend at the bottom of my Yes. So they did a performance sort of commemorating that event which I thought was odd. Yeah. It's a murder. But I think there's a reason for it Frank. What is it? It's because it's now seen that she should have been judged a bit more compassionately because of the circumstances around the relationship. Anyway, back to you. Okay, well, so now we roll around towards the 13th of July, which guess what? Is the anniversary of The Hanging.

Oh, they've got more planned. So what they've done is they said, we did film. These people need a hobby. We filmed the performance. We filmed the performance on the anniversary of the shooting. Has anyone got a big screen we could borrow? We're going to screen it on the anniversary of the hanging. I thought, what is he doing now?

What do you say? Has anyone got a big trap door that we can use? Exactly. Simulated everything. Come on. Anyone got any rope? Now we're going to kill the lady who played. Any surviving peer points who's actually coming along.

If we were giving them our rope, we wouldn't be able to charge them for it. Very good. Oh yeah, I see. So, um. I see. So then another man had emailed. This is like on our local neighbourhood mailing list group. Neighbourhood watch.

What would it be? WhatsApp group? WhatsApp. We have one of those. So he said, it's interesting we never do anything for Styloo Christoffee, who lived in the road and who also murdered someone shortly before this incident in the road. So there's two people being murdered in our road. But this is what I love about, if you don't mind me saying, is that Ruth Ellis was the last woman to be hanged in Britain. Stilo Christoffi was the penultimate woman. So we've got the last two in our road! I mean weird flex but okay. I mean I found that very odd odd so are they going ahead with the celebrations then Yeah, well not for a memory for style. Oh, she's nothing So nostalgic thinking back to my childhood Ruth Ellis day all the kids

Yeah, a big effigy of her through the street penny for the Ruth Ellis. That's a With a what justice for style outside with a Justice for Stylo. Where's her day? Who was Stylo? Do you know that I can see that someone going to Edinburgh with that play, the Justice for Stylo. The thing is, I looked a bit into Stylo. It's not as good, it's a bit of a confusing name. Well the main theory is that because she wasn't blonde, she wasn't a nightclub. She wasn't a bombshell. Post death, she didn't, it wasn't very sexy cause to defend Stylo.

And also Stylo, Stylo got in trouble when she lived in Cyprus for killing his, killing her mother-in-law by putting a burning torch down her throat. What? I presume because they're near Greece, I imagine it's an Olympic reference. But what I liked about it is she was charged but found not guilty because they said she'd been very provoked. The home of mother-in-law jokes. Yeah, exactly.

Spiritual heart. But then she moved to my role. Who did she murder, Stavros? She murdered her mother-in-law. Oh, it's the mother-in-law, okay. Well, she might not. I say she murdered, found not guilty. Provocation. She just shoved a burning torch down the neck of her mother-in-law and then something else happened to her mother-in-law. Yeah, I mean... And the two of them are not in any way legally linked.

But provocation, that's going to worry my mother-in-law. Can I say I would never put a burning torch into the mouth of my mother-in-law because it's a constantly moving target. Oh, Frank. Who said comedy was dead, eh? I say ask Maud. Maud too late.

I would go so far as to say you really lucked out with your mother-in-law. I have experienced some absolute monsters over the years. Have you? Oh my god. I had the man who said, when I was offered a gin and tonic, and the father, who was chairman of a British American tobacco, said, could you get the Sainsbury's gin out of the cellar? I don't want to having the beef eater. Really?

Never, you mind what I get up to with the beef eater? Yeah? Why do you have Sainsbury up to with the beef eater? Yeah? Why do you have St. Mary's gin at all if you're so contemptuous of it, sir? What if any common people come? Imagine a family that saw Emily as common people. Some sort of artiste. I was from really the wrong side of the tracks for these people. Gosh, wow.

I don't want to having the beef eater. So anyway, she moved... And you thought want to having the beef eater. So anyway she moved... And you thought that was classy, beef eater. Get the other rank neat liquor. She moved to my road and then she killed her daughter-in-law. She hates in-laws. Yeah, you'd think the word law might put out some sort of idea of a deterrent in her mind.

Well, not after her Cyprus getaway. But does she not think, oh, law, yeah, I forgot about that. But anyway, that was another terrible story. And so she had to get, she was hanged. So two women in my road are the last two women to be hanged for murder in Britain. I mean I'm hoping Hopefully the last two.

Yeah I'm hoping that equal pay and more women on match of the day might placate them a bit nowadays. They watch true crime now, we know. Yeah. They don't do it. I know but that is... No, why don't they watch true crime? The women. We are obsessed with true crime. Yeah. They don't do it. I know but that is... Hello! What is it they watch true crime? The women. We are obsessed with true crime. Yeah.

Well if Kath and I are anything to go by. But isn't that... is that not an amazing thing? The last two women to be hanged, both killings were in our road. It is weird. And you know our road is shaped like a noose. Well that's true. Yeah. But no, a noose was not used. We've got a gun and what did... A noose. Well that's true. Yeah but a noose was not used. We've got a gun and what did you use? Well it was used for the... Daughter-in-law? No. Oh for the hanging. I was thinking about the murders. Oh murders. I actually looked her up on murderpedia. Can you believe? What's happened to me? Are you going to start... Do you remember when they started with those true crime booklets? They were ahead of their time.

You get the month please, didn't you? It's awful. I don't like any of it. Do you not watch any of the crime series? I can't handle it. Don't you like crime? No. It makes me sound bad for not liking crime. My lord, this is entrapment of my client. Don't you like crime? Oh I don't mind.

No! Do you like commission crimes? Anyway. Have you ever committed a crime? I'm sure I have. Breaking the law, breaking the law. Yeah, I've committed minor crimes. Okay. I've killed some minors.

Frank! Oh, man. Do we want to go to the outside world? Yes. Speaking of, well, regarding my name, I'm going to take charge of this because I've got a French name this email. Okay. So Mike says, hello, FPM, which I quite like. Okay.

As a way of addressing us. Yeah, FPM. Does he use the initial M or E? Weirdly the initial, yeah. That's quite good. Yeah, so I'm used to that because I had an ex-boyfriend, he used to say dial M for murder, which I rather liked. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, well, I'm used to that because I had an ex-boyfriend who used to say dial M for murder, which I rather liked. Yeah.

Okay? Yeah, well I'm probably... I dial murderpedia myself. You're frightened of anything to do with murder. Murderpedia. I mean, what's going to happen next? Hey Ryan, that was a fast trip. It was like you teleported.

Yeah, just got in. I'll get all my expenses logged, I promise. Oh no, you're okay. SAP Concur uses advanced AI, so your expense report will practically write itself. Quite the breakthrough. It's like we've been teleported into the future. Oh, right. So, just curious, would you give us written permission to convert your matter into energy patterns and reassemble you at, say, random travel destinations? Margaret, are you building a teleporter? No, yes.

SAP Concur helps your business move forward faster. Learn more at concur.com. No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. Hey, we know you probably hit play to escape your business banking, not think about it. But what if we told you there was a way to skip over the pressures of banking? By matching with a TD Small Business Account Manager,

you can get the proactive business banking advice and support your business needs. Ready to press play? Get up to $2,700 when you open select small business banking products. Yep, that's $2,700 to turn up your business. Visit td.com slash small business match to learn more. Conditions apply. Max, there's a praise obviously redacted. I thought Frank might like a couple of French puns I saw while on holiday recently. So, pun number one, oh la la, spelled H-A-U-T. Do you know

what that means? Oh la la. Oh no, so that's up or above. And it's advertising a roller coaster. Oh la la. Oh la la. Do you see? But what's the la la? As in ooh la la? Yeah. Yeah. As in like, whoa, look how high you are on your roller coaster. Okay.

Oh la la. This is hard. Oh la la. This is not hard really. There's one new word you've had to learn. Can I say I did a French pond once in a football column I used to write. Go on. That doesn't seem like the place for it. Thierry Henri said that he found something, I don't know what it was, but he found it

very tiresome the way refereeing was becoming blah blah blah. And I said is he suffering from Thierry Henri? That was good Frank. I was very pleased with. That's first class. I thought how many people got that? About as many people as got it this time. How many complaint letters did you get?

I don't read a football column for multilingual word play. Also because so many people insisted on calling him Thierry Henry, they wouldn't have got that. Anyway, will you please? Did they call him Thierry Henry? A lot of people lot of people did yeah including Tony Adams I believe but that's okay I get called Perry a lot do you get called Perry? People look at my name in panic and they go Perry? Perry Navelli does sound quite good there just in the... Frank I'd never thought of that Perry Navelli Navelli. Yeah, it doesn't match my vibe visually I think than in Perry Navelli. You could do an Edinburgh show called Very Perry like So Graham Norton. Did Graham Norton's

chat show used to be called So Graham Norton? Yes, because his production company is called So I believe. But it isn't called that anymore anymore it's called the Graham Norton show. I wonder how that happened. Bit like a top cat boss cat. It's not like that. Pun number two. Except he tends to wear something under his waistcoat I find, Norton. Yeah. He wears some terrible jackets. Do you think so? Oh yeah, I don't like very ornate jackets. Anyway. There's a lot of brocade, I find. A lot of... Really?

He wears a lot of gold. A lot have been made and then painted afterwards. Like a sort of Napoleonic drummer. Don't get me wrong, I'm no style icon. No, that's true. Oh, back to Perry Novelli in the studio. Yes. Plan number two, a motor home sales place

in a town called Compaix. So it's spelled Quimper, which is a much ruder way to say it. Then Compaix. And it's called, the motorhome sales place was Compaix Vans. So that's the French learning a bit of English just for the sake of a pun. Yeah. Compaix V okay. That's unlike the French. I know. Whoever did that will immediately have been hanged obviously by the Académie Française. It's good. I was asking an American comedian I know recently whether punning was a tradition in America.

And she thought certainly not like it is here, but she was unsure. She was going to check it out for me. I think's not so nearly so much of a thing over there people hate it yeah I'm despised doing it on stage. It's not just because of that. No but mate that's one of the things. It's one of the bricks in my wall of hate. You are adored in this room. We've got some professional punners though Tim Vine and yeah Vine and so on, the one-liner guys. Yeah, but I think people go to see puns from them. Yes, but the equivalent could never survive in America. But I think when you do a really clever pun on stage and someone who's clearly an imbecile

goes, I have started doing these speeches about if I lock you in a room for two months and said, right, I doubt you wouldn't be able to come with anything that good. How does that go down? I don't know, I just need to calm down. Frank, you can't really act like this every time someone doesn't like one of your jokes. Absolutely, so I always think, why did I go off on that thing about locking the bloke in the room again? It's just so unreasonable. People are allowed not to like everything you say. Yeah, but not in that kind of, ehh, way, like I could write jokes better than that. They've not said that. They are, they're grunting that. Alright Hans Christian Andersen, David Clements has been in touch. Dear Frank, Emily and Pierre,

he favours the more traditional, I'd like to share a story to reassure Frank that he's not the only man out there wearing thongs. This is a callback to something Frank mentioned on a recent podcast where he admitted that he... I had holidayed in a thong not thinking there was anything odd about that. Do you know, I haven't been able to get that visual out of my mind. And not in a sexual way. I just didn't know right from song. Oh, okay, here we go. Eww.

I'll give them that. They might come up with that. But... They're losers. You in the... It was the black thong. That's what shocked me. Beach thong. Black beach thong. Get that out of your mouth! You're in a black beach thong and you showed off your tan lines to other members of a cricket team.

Can I just establish, when I said get that out of your mouth... I didn't show them off. I was just getting changed and they noticed them. Don't eat on the podcast. Oh, okay. I just thought you were going to be talking for some time, so I'll have a sweet... You weren't wrong. He's having a cherry Haribo, by the way, that's why I said get that out of your mouth.

I think she went to our school as well. Get my wife's Haribo out of your mouth. I'd like to share a story to reassure Frank that he's not the only man out there wearing thongs. Years ago I worked as a postman. On one, over a summer, interesting summer job, on one unfamiliar route I was just walking away from the door when a man called me back to give me post I'd accidentally delivered the day before. He'd obviously rushed out of bed as he was only wearing a

tiny pair of black pants. As he walked off to get the letters, I got the full reveal. He'd gone full thong. He obviously wasn't worried about the town lines giving the game away. Still to this day I have no idea why he was also covered in talcum powder. Sincerely, David Clements. Wow. A ghost? Was he ghost-created? Jacob Marley up to his old tricks, his old sex tricks. Could have been going to a fancy dress party as a travelling sweet? I wonder why... I wonder Postman's instinct when he turned his back was to post in him. Why would he have to... well talcum powder you can't use it anymore. No it's carcinogenic I believe. Don't know what I'm going to do with my old stocks. Why would he have that? Oh a lot of

men in the old days used to use talcum powder for the inevitable. Can I say that was also a brilliant, a brilliant old joke. What? It's a visual thing but I'll tell you. The bloke goes into a chemist and says to the one behind the counter, can I get some talcum powder? And she says certainly sir, walk this way. And he says, if I walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum powder. I certainly saw a walk this way and he says if I walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum powder It's very fine. I think he was using the talcum powder because men did that in the old days. What for? Yeah, they put it on their... they put it on their legs. Twixed thigh and scrotum. Yeah Yeah, they put it on the speed. They put it on the ballies. On the bowl? Yeah, just to soak up the moisture.

Oh don't bang. But then surely you create a sort of terrible nut paste. Yeah, but that's alright. Is it? I think I'll be the judge of that. I once put in four window panes with that, just that very nut paste. And I'd run out, I'd forgotten the potty. You have to be careful with the trowel down there when you're scooping. I don't understand that at all, it's such an odd...

Do you know what, it was a very sort of California 70s man thing to do, is how I can describe it. I think it was very English, very carry on film. Was it quite California? Yes it was. I love your nut paste. No, it's because they got into gym culture quite early doors. So talking their hands like weightlifters.

Yes, very weightlifting. Although don't you love that? Have you ever been to live weightlifting? No, but I have been to Venice Beach where there was men lifting weights. I went to the Olympics in Greece. Come on then, say your worst. I knew you were old but... Do you know I actually got a little jolt of pleasure knowing that that was... It's been a while. Oh for God's sake, you can talk mate. But I went to the live weight

lifting bank at the Olympics, do you know, I get so excited. It's alright when they do it. If I went to beach volleyball, you imagine the stick like it in this room. Frank, when they put their hands in the talc, oh I love that. They really rummage around in there for a long time. It's resin isn't it? Is it? I wonder what the substance is. It's a weird powder, yeah. It looks very satisfying. Unless they're just being very open about their doping, I don't know. I mean they might be, maybe it's tolerated in peace. Maybe they get a lot of ants in the white lifting world.

Powdered steroids. They buried their head in the white powder and they did brilliantly. You don't want sweaty hands if you're lifting those kind of whites. That'd be terrible. You can get a little sort of wizard's pouch of that powder at bouldering places. I think we're meant to wear. Oh yes you can. Yeah, it's better than talc.

What would you use it for? So you can use it at the gym? For rock climbing. In rock climbing clubs there's bouldering at the walls and stuff. Frank, do you ever go to the gym? No. Why not? Well I used to go to the gym. Do you still do Joe Wick's workout? No, I don't do anything at all. I just think, I can't anything that exercise is more interesting than.

Okay. So I don't do any at all. And people say, as Gabby Logan said to me, we'll probably die 10 years younger. I think that's the deal I'm prepared to do. In exchange for not having to constantly talk yourself to and from. Just that thing I'm going to do exercise and they're like, oh god really? You know someone should come up. Not just hard work but just tedious in the extreme.

Someone should come up with a slightly more intellectually based type of exercise if there was a literary... I think it's called the Zempi. What if there was a series of sort of like a boxing gym where on the bags they would project a series of sort of philosophers you profoundly disagreed with? That would be good. The Kekergard Gym. Couldn't they just have people made up as those philosophers so we could grapple? You could go into the ring with an absolute dead spit of Wittgenstein.

Look, I'm suspecting I'll have something, you know, like a major stroke and then think I better start going to the gym. Yeah. Okay, that's a lovely note to leave it on. Should we leave it on you saying I'm suspecting I'll have a major stroke? No, but you know, there'll probably be some that makes me think. Occasionally I see really fit people who aren't idiots. Obviously, not that often.

But then on the other hand... And then I think, oh looks they look you know happy in themselves. Lifting big books or something is that how you can start? Really huge dictionaries for reading them. You can talk. Although you do work out don't you? Yeah but not for a few months now I've let myself down. I've let the whole school down. That's the spirit. Come on then. Come and join us. Get your act together Hercules. Yeah if your brain's doing a lot of work don't worry about the other stuff. Also you're getting married now you can let yourself go. Yeah. Oh my god. It's not like when the gays get married and they have to keep going to the gym and dressing nicely. Hetrosexuals we just say that will, that will, don. Enough. Yeah, yeah, pass us the miniature heroes. And the string vest.

And also my loyalty card for the I have given up shop. That's where you get your clothes. What were the tan lines like post a string vest? You'd look like Christmas, Christmas gammon. You'd look like a Tudor House. Oh, there's Frank Skinner. He seems he's gone mock Tudor. I think either he got sunburned in a string vest or he stood by a chain link fence for a very long time watching. And judging by that song, he's also half-timbered at the moment. It's the Frank Skinner Podcast.

A new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner Podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via frankofftheradioatavalonuk.com.