The Frank Skinner Show - Pistachio Gloop

Episode Date: May 12, 2025

Frank has had a testing time at a record shop and was underwhelmed by a viral phenomenon. We've also had an email from someone who's found Frank's perfect TV channel. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Uh, excuse me, why are you walking so close behind me? Well, you're a tall guy. You throw a decent shadow when I'm walking in it to keep out of this bright sun. It hurts my eyes. Okay, well you know at Specsavers, you can get two pairs of glasses from $149 and oh, you'll like this. One can be a pair of prescription sunglasses. Sounds great!

Where's the nearest store? Mmm, not far. Come on. Let's hurry then. To my count. One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1 South Africa came, they're all here, open brackets, hooray! Close brackets today. Hey, this is Frank off the radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at avalonuk.com. You can WhatsApp us on I need another genre. No, Body Holly. 0745741 7769 Oh, my heart goes in my boots every time I think something's happening.

It's all good. I liked Instagram. Yes, that's exactly, that's what we were laughing at, Frank. I don't, I want to include you in the joke. We were laughing at you. I don't mind being, I'll take any kind of being laughed at. I think this is a black country thing because George Four Acres of One Man Musical fame, who's from Willinal.

Four Acres, remember, plural. I got in real trouble for that. I heard. Steve Hall, don a stick about that. Steve Hall said, I do just want to point out you got that wrong. Yeah. Four acres. What was the other one he pulled me up on?

Uni... The calculation of Easter. Uni-glo. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, Uni-glo. Yeah. Yeah. He was right on both cases, can I say that?

He was right. He was right, to be fair. But George would always also do the second syllable instead of the first kind of pressure. So Star Wars, Instagram. Is that a Black Country thing? I think it must be because this pattern is pretty... I wonder, there's a lot of German in the Black Country dialect. It's the most... We used to Bay and Bist and stuff like that.

Yes. Yeah. It's the closest to Anglo-Saxon English. Like it's so old. It's so Germanic or the dialect. Yeah. We didn't really, we didn't evolve. And just exactly the same amount of pork. Yeah. Just as much ham. Listen, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I had two things. I was talking to our producer about this. You know the World Snooker Championship we spoke about? We've spoken about it a lot recently. You explained quite a lot of things. And she

said, did you enjoy the final? She says Matt never missed a game. And I thought, and I said, yeah, I should have married you. I said, because the idea of me watching the whole World Snooker Championship in Aro. I tell you what Kat does, if I'm watching the snooker, she sits down and says, so shall we watch something? Oh she doesn't count that. I am watching something! Oh no.

I know I feel that yank on the lead very hard. How long does the snooker go on for? Days seemingly? Yeah 17 days. Okay have you ever gone to is it in the Crucible then? I've never been, I've been to Snooker at Warwick Arts Centre when I was a student there. Okay. We had lunch near the Crucible. We did. China Red.

In fact, I signed autographs for people outside the Crucible who were waiting for snooker players to arrive. It was very convenient for them that you wandered past. Yeah exactly, because the bloke said oh good now I don't have to come tonight. I imagine you clean up on the autographs front outside the snooker hall. It's probably my crowd. I'm doing, I'm supporting Stephen Wilson at the Palladium. Yes, and this is, well, Kath's a big fan. Yeah, Kath thinks he's... She's obsessed with him.

Oh, yeah. Is she more obsessed with him than she is with you? She's not obsessed with me at all, so yes. She is, Frank. She's not obsessed with me. Oh, God, that went many, many years ago. Oh, did it? Don't get me wrong, everything's fine.

Yeah. No, no, it's just the natural way of life. He's like a musical hero to her. And don't get me wrong, he's a talented man. So I'm supporting that and I don't know how I'm going to get down with that crowd. Do you not mind when she gets obsessed with musicians you don't get, you're not jealous are you? Well I'm not allowed to be. She um. Jealousy or snooker both are out of the window.

Exactly. I mean if I said oh man I'm support me and Miley Cyrus have been getting on really well, she's asked me to support her on, that would not go down very well. Oh wouldn't it? No. Okay. With the fully blown Cyrus, as I think her album was called. Okay.

I'd like to check that. What about Billy Ray's going out with Elizabeth Hurley? This is where we get the showbiz gossip. Yeah. Billy Ray's going out with Elizabeth Hurley. This is where we get the showbiz gossip. Yeah. Billy Ray Cyrus. My favourite ever showbiz gossip was when Elton John told me that Bob Dylan, as he said, is absolutely shit at charades. Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth Hurley.

What strange curious bedfellows. Yes. Anyway, here's the thing. If you remember during Lent I gave up sweet stuff. Yeah. So… Forty days, is it? Yeah. On one of those podcasts during that period, you had Dubai chocolate. I did. You had Dubai chocolate. I did. You had to buy chocolate. I had to buy it.

If you didn't have any soil you had to buy it. Alright, this is a particularly bad episode of the Sopranos. This week you had to buy chocolate. See, did you get the chocolate? I told you, this week. I told you, Tommy. It's the same thing that happened last week. We wear a track suit and talk. Anyway. Go on. So my producer again, the one who never gets to touch the remote control. Don't talk about that. Gave me a bar of Dubai chocolate. So me and Buzz tried it.

Now I think you said it was the nicest chocolate you'd ever had in your life. Yeah, here's you about to say it's awful. I'll tell you what it was like. Imagine if you got a Cadbury's cream egg and you removed that glue, whatever that stuff is. I think it's listed as unicorn sperm on the label. Why do you ruin nice things? But anyway, wouldn't you imagine that's what unicorn sperm tastes like? The one part of Willy Wonka's tour where they couldn't take the kids. Don't open that door.

Is there some sort of bubble gum behind it? No. Hey, kick those kids out of here. And give me another pack of cigarettes while you're at it. What's the name of the woman who's called something like... Veruca Salt? Cream Pie Delicious or something. Cream Pie Delicious? She must be one of those weird clubs you've been to.

Who's the woman in it? Veruca Salt. No, isn't there a woman who's got a name like... Violet Beauregard? Or Veruca Salt. In Willy Wonka. This one's got a name that means loveliness and sweetness. Oh well, maybe I've got it.

I hate bloody Roald Dahl anyway. Violet, well you picked the right decade to say that in. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. No one's going to... Disagree. Rush to chastise you for that. So, imagine if they removed the unicorn sperm from a Cambrian cream egg.

Will you stop ruining things? And then you replaced it with moshy peas. That's Dubai chocolate. So unsophisticated. It honestly tastes like moshy peas in chocolate. Unsophisticated. It's pistachio gloop, is it? Don't say gloop, you're making it sound horrible too, it's absolutely lovely. It's a well obviously it's... Did Buzz like it? It's a bit marmite. Who's that person you said that to? Buzz didn't like it. Buzz not like it. Buzz and I always agree on things normally, something's off. I don't, I think you got cheap. It's no offence.

No, it's exactly the same brand that you had. Honestly, mouchy peas in chocolate, you should try it, Pierre. Oh, not now that I've heard that. Well, I know. No, he likes the beef jerky. Yeah, I've heard that. Once again. Chocolate covered beef.

That was what a summer job on the farm that was. I'd rather have a scotch egg than a cream egg. Who was it that had to stimulate a pig on the farm reality show? I'm afraid it was Rebecca Luce. Was it? Okay. Okay, on Channel 5's The Farm. Yes.

Still, you know, it's good work if you can get it That showbiz one week you're burping a load of smoke-filled bubbles the next week is stimulating a pig's genitals It's just life in the art. There's a lot of ways I'd describe that good work It's not how I would describe when you Well, when you, you know, when people call it the industry. Yeah, are they thinking of that? That people are having to wank off pigs? Do you know who I feel bad for? What kind of an industry is that? How long have you been in it?

What's the tariffs on that? I feel bad for all those hard-working, non-famous pig wankers. And then here comes the celebrity pig wanker taking all the credit. Welcome to Cadbury's. The pigs are over there. Anyway I love the idea of that all being under the umbrella of industry. Yes. How long you been in the industry then? Yeah, exactly. Oh dear. She did that on telly though. What a... People have done worse. What a trouper. Actually, no, I don't think they have. I think it might be the worst thing. Yeah, it's in

the top five worst things people have done on telly. It stayed in the public consciousness that I think. Mm, bestiality will. Very memorable. It's one of the great inter-species acts apart from that one where, do you remember when, what was he called, Churchill, the insurance dog, the one you used to go, oh yes, when you saw him on holiday with Melanie Sykes, some on the beach having a meal and you thought, oh, whoa, oh no, oh yes, what if he'd cut to that? He'd be a little kimono.

A little black silk, Hugh Hefner. The camera doesn't go all the way and him going, oh, oh, yes. Like a sort of when Melanie met Churchill, like when Harry met Sally moment. When you know, you know. He gave me the creeps. I'll have what the dog's having. What, sex? Yeah, there was something dead in the eyes of that dog puppet. Churchill.

Also, it was cruel. He was always at the back of the car. Yeah, I never got the connection between a dog and insurance for your car. I think he just... It was like the Lloyd's CSB horse. I think because he was a bulldog or something and he just, I think he just, I think because he was a, was he a bulldog or something and he just felt resolutely British. Yeah, he was a British, very British and reliable. Hence he was called Churchill.

That bit I get, but then it's like, well, you know, British bulldog, Churchill Spirit, and you go, yes, yes, and they go, car insurance. That's the bit where the chain for me breaks down. But they're thinking Churchill Spirit, you know, we'll fight them on the beaches, not bombing Dresden. Not that aspect. Well, at that point, they didn't know about his sleazy holidays. I know, but not Winston Churchill's. If someone bumps into your car, we'll Dresden them to fucking bits.

We'll get all the compensation possible. We will smell their arseholes on the beaches. Churchill, I'm not going to hold you with you again. Oh, God. Anyway, it's all got to be crude. It has. I'm trying to keep it PG. We hope you're enjoying your Air Canada flight. Rockies, vacation, here we come. Whoa, is this economy?

Free beer, wine, and snacks. Sweet! Fast free Wi-Fi means I can make dinner reservations before we land. And with live TV, I'm not missing the game. It's kind of like I'm already on vacation. Nice. On behalf of Air Canada, nice travels. Wifi available to Airplane members on Equip flight, sponsored by Bell Conditions Supply, seercanada.com.

Can I share something with you, Frank, from one of our readers? As long as it's not a cult, so... Craig Thomas from Hertfordshire has been in touch. Following Frank's revelation, with the cost of attending the Aria Awards. Oh yes. 90 quid, a ticket. Yeah, we should say, just to recap, we were invited, or so we thought, and then? Well, we were invited the way I'm invited to buy a car. We were nominated for a greatest moment of the year or something in the ARIA Awards, which is like the Radio Oscars, I think it's called. And it can be quite awkward at the ceremony, because some of the moments are quite somber moments.

Yeah, and also there are people at at ceremony who've sacked you recently. I wasn't going to go there, but he did. Anyway, we were all set to go and thought lovely, we'll dress up and we probably won't win, but it's fine. And then we found out we had to pay 90 pounds per ticket to go. Yes. To go. Invited. Even though we're at the show. The Colonel has invited me for chicken. Yeah. Exactly. What to wear. Yeah. A bib.

Always a bib. I can't imagine what colour theme he'll be going with today. So anyway. Anyway. Colonel and Jerry Halliwell. Yeah. Hmm. Spiritual.

All white. Yeah. Hugh Twins. And you know the Colonel was buried in that white suit with the black boot. Oh I know the Colonel was buried in that. As I said, all set for haunting. You could dress me ready for a haunting, I won't have time to get changed. Okay Colonel. If I come back as a zombie, I want people to know who I was. Do you know we should all be buried in white, I think it's for the best, for that reason Frank.

Well you've discussed this before, the ghost clothes. Yeah. So anyway. The Colonel should have had a big battered coffin. Well I think he should have been battered in five pieces. Do you want to hear from Craig Thomas in Hertfordshire? Following Frank's revelation with the cost of attending the ARIA Awards I thought it'd be interesting to hear how commonplace this is within less show busy worlds. Okay there's no pigs being pleasured in where we're going. A few years ago... They cut that from Back to the Future, that line. Let's stick with where we're going, we won't need roads. Okay. Hey, Doc.

We're going to the pleasure in pigs. Okay. I don't know why you brought that up. The future. Very easily pleased with graphics. I think there was like blissful, having blissful life. Well they are. A few years ago a design agency I worked for was nominated for a prestigious and well-known industry award. My boss decided not to attend as tickets were ludicrously expensive. Like you, sensible boss. But they phoned him and said, we notice you're not coming.

We really think you need to be there. Isn't that what Rebecca Luce said? Using the royal way. Did Rebecca Luce... Why can't you let this go? Did she allegedly have a relationship with... Can you both let it go? Was it with David Beckham? Was that the idea? Yes. We don't talk about that. Wow, I tell you, when you're running

through your exes, that's quite... I mean, if you want variety in a list of exes that you've got, David Beckham. David Beckham just saying, have you washed your hands? Yeah. And then Wilbur. And then Wilbur the pig. Can you stop talking about the pig and the incident? Okay. Okay. And you? Okay. You've got a look on your face. No I haven't. You're going to return to the pig. I'm not going to return to the pig. I'm seeing it like with fireworks. Never go back. Are you going to return to the pig?

Once it's started smoldering. Come on, spit it out. You start like that with me. Anyway, let's return to the email. But they phoned him and said, we notice you're not coming. We really think you need to be there. This is at the award ceremony. Putting pressure on him. What was he up for? What was the award? It was a prestigious and well-known industry award for a design agency.

So clearly the organizers, we know what they're implying at this point, you really need to be there. Clearly implying we'd won. My boss asked outright, have we won? To which the guy on the phone responded, well look, I can't actually say. All I can say is that I really think you should be there. Right. So we all went. I think there were about 20 of us, each paying a high price for a less than average dinner. Imagine the hilarity when it got to our category. Not only had we not won, but they had decided that there would be no winners at all in our category that year. Oh, I would be absolutely furious at

all. Look everyone, the real winner here is design. The real winner here is catering. Craig Thomas ends Good Times, but the reason I share that is because I mean it's obviously a bit of a thing this is a scam with awards ceremonies. It is a scam yeah absolutely a scam. We need to protect people. Yes. But when they say I really think we should be there. That's unbelievable. I really think you should be there because there's 20 of you and that'll be 198 quid

off. That'll pay for next year's. It's very odd. Listen, remember I told you I went to the Easter Vigil Mass? Yes. And we had to retake our veils. Retake them? Oh, okay. Oh, I see, I see, okay.

One of which is the priest says, do you renounce Satan and all his works and empty promises? And we say, I do. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Just hold that in your minds. So I went to a record shop in Camden town called Raven Records. Met the guy, very nice guy. I mean, lots of tatters, the kind of guy you want working in a record shop. And he said, have you tried the Lucifer Lounge downstairs?

And you thought this is what I've been warned about, I've been training for this my whole life. And I said, no, we have- I was with my 12 year old son, and he said, yeah, just go and have a look. So I went down there, down the stairs, and there was a massive upside down cross on one wall, like a massive one. And then there was a throne, a black throne with candles. And then on the other wall, there

was a big like a hanging of, put it this way, the caption said, the devil. Just in case. So it was- This isn't just a red gentleman. No. Whoa. It was really absolutely full on. And so I took Bosdan there like Dante descending with Virgil. And it was quite, I told him, because I said to him, you know, I'm a Catholic, so I don't know if I like you, Dante.

More to teach him. He said, well, you could call it St Peter's cross, because St Peter was crucified upside down. That's a nice way of looking at it. It's trickier to work that with the devil. It's just when they've got the devil written in the big letter and the black throne. If they could have sellotaped a thumbs down after the phrase of the devil. The devil, by the way, thumbs down.

We're only putting this picture up so you know who to look out for. Have you seen this man? Wanted. The devil. But this is what's confusing because I love that. It's a crime watch. Have you seen this man offering you all the kingdoms of the earth? If they had a CCTV shot of the devil.

He should not be approached. I like the idea of the devil as a door-to-door scammer offering random grannies all the kingdoms of the earth and riches beyond their wildest dreams and to redo the roof. He is manifesting them, really, these scammers. Well, he said they had events down there and he said that we have a satanic recovery meetings. What's that? Oh, what? People who've renounced sin? I don't know. Satanic recovery. That means people who are in recovery from being sinful.

I think it's AA but about the devil instead of God. Well, yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think it's, and heavy metal therapy they have. Which I think is loud music as a way of... It's not drinking mercury. I stopped in a, it was called a meditation center and somewhere out in Dorset, middle of nowhere, as they very unkindly say about people's local areas. Isn't that horrible? Where does she live, middle of nowhere?

I remember when the bus stopped and a woman said, you've dropped us in the middle of nowhere. I thought it was Gospel Oak, there's houses everywhere. What you mean is you've dropped us in a poor area. You're in the M25. Yeah. I mean, what's to become of us? So anyway, I like, the guy was lovely. I think he was called Ben. Is he a goth man? He's probably the nicest Satanist I've ever met. Well, he don't know these actual Satanists. Well he gave me his book which was called

Uncover Satan, Recover Thyself. I take it all back. Obviously thy always tracks me in. Hang on Frank. Anyone who says thyself. I have to say it doesn't get much more Satan's works than this. No. Actual books written by Satan. What about his empty promises? Oh yeah. Well he said you'd like the lounge. Yeah he did didn't he?

That's his first empty promise. I sort of did like the lounge in a weird kind of a warning way. Have you renounced this record shop and this man then? Well no, Buzz actually bought a Motley Crue album after all this. Oh, I love Motley Crue. Dr. Fieldred. Yeah. Was it quite exciting to finally encounter some Satanism and the devil and his works?

Because normally when you make these sort of promises in church, they're sort of quite abstract and you think, oh, I'll be tempted perhaps to steal maybe or, you know, something a bit normal. Whereas for a guy to literally come up to you and say, have you heard the good news about Satan? Would you like some of his works? Yeah. It's good.

You're like, finally I can deploy. You haven't got any, I don't suppose you've got any empty promises, have you? Yes, downstairs at the Lucifer Lodge. How many were you after? I haven't been this excited since my neighbour bought that fantastic ox. Yeah.

And I managed to resist coveting it. Oh man. So you haven't actually... Well, I had a selfie with him. Not the devil. Taking pictures with a friend. You know what it's like with Raven Records, damned if you do. He was a very nice man. Oh, they always are.

You don't think the devil's going to be nice? How else would he convince us? I don't think he was an actual devil himself, but who knows? No, but he has devilish interests. Good knowledge about the upside down cross thing. Because during the Pope's funeral, a bunch of American evangelicals online were getting very het up about the upside down cross being displayed, because for them that's just Satanism. So they went, you see, the papacy exposed for its devilish works. They

were getting very excited. They've decided in their heads at the Pope's funeral to go, no, it was the devil the whole time. Well, I mean, heavy metal. It's a heavy metal shock, do you know what I mean? Yeah. And they, it's always dabbled, you know, if you, the most heavy metal t-shirts, it's not going to be a shock if you get the devil. Why do heavy metal people like devilish things? That's a great question. That's this week's text. No, we can't do that anymore. Because they strike me generally as really nice people. Really nice people. I would say they are sheep in wolf's clothing.

Yeah. Oh, yes. I think you're absolutely right. Similar to the golf, Frank. The golf? The golf. The golf, yeah. Exactly.

What's the music genre equivalent of a wolf in sheep's clothing? Do you think? Rave music? I don't know. Yes, someone that horrible people like. And they brought piquant. Abba, I think, probably. My partner loves Abba, of course. Can I make that clear? Frank, can I just tell you something I came across this week? Tell me anything you like. Oh, lovely. It doesn't involve the devil, it doesn't involve pigs.

What it does involve is me coming across a piece of writing of yours this week. I didn't know you wrote for this publication in the New Statesman. Oh yes, it was a one-off ski. Oh I didn't know that. Can I say it was the most beautiful, don't you block your ears, because there's a little bit of praise, it was the most beautiful piece of writing.

I shouldn't be surprised, I'm not surprised, because I know you can write beautifully. What I liked is that he observed the Martin Amos rule of writing. Martin Amos always said, never write a sentence that absolutely anybody else could write. That's when you know you've written a good sentence, that only you could have written a sentence.

And I read one sentence and it was Frank making a reference to a woman eating a chicken salad on a bus. And then immediately after he started talking about the epistle of polycarp, and I thought only Frank Skinner could have written this sentence. Yes. But what I discovered in this, it was like a diary of all the things he'd been up to,

you talked about going to this exhibition and that… That was the woman who claimed that when she became a vegetarian, chicken salad was acceptable, as was bacon. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And Frank said, I wasn't aware of the canon. I was looking back and I thought, when was that okay to eat bacon? And I mentioned up that that epistle of polycarp never, there was a point where that was nearly in the Bible that it didn't make.

But anyway. Along with bacon. I was interested because in this, I learnt something about you and I didn't know this that Frank had been at an exhibition and how intimidated you are by what you call properly old school posh people. Intimidated but also very, very attracted and fascinated by them. Okay. Yeah.

But that was a revelation to me. I don't think of you being intimidated by them. Yeah. But that was a revelation to me. I don't think of you being intimidated by anyone. But you know what they say, if you're a poor kid, you're always a poor kid. Okay. Even if you become a rich man. Who's the famous person you've been most intimidated by? The king? That's a good question. Oh, it's got to be the king. No, not really the king. He doesn not really the king. He doesn't intimidate you. They're too approachable.

Richard Gere was quite intimidating. Is he very, very posh IRL? Well, I mentioned the fact that, you know, about the decision to let his hair go grey, and he said, oh, it's going to be this kind of interview, is he? Gosh. I thought, well, that's a perfectly reasonable thing, isn't it? That would have scared me. I hope you said that to him.

No, I didn't say that. Meditate on this. It's supposed to be nice, aren't you, Buddhists? At the very least, painfully neutral. Let's step down to the Buddha Lounge. Yeah, I found him a bit intimidating. Did you? Oh, okay.

That sounds more due to his naked aggression than... Yeah, but he does have, he has had run-ins with people sometimes. There was the letter, obviously. What was that? Oh, from, yeah, Gene Wilder. Yeah. Oh, yes, yeah, Jean Wilder. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, Walter wrote to me and said I'd done the worst interview with him He'd ever

Stop but where is he now? Yeah, right? So it's a question about the afterlife. I think he's probably downstairs at Raven Records Did it start, Dear Frank? It didn't start, Dear Frank. Was it just? He said I can't, I'd sent him a thank you letter for doing the show. He said I can't believe you had the nerve to send me a thank you letter. Toffee-nosed old Gene Wilder. Anyway. He pointed out that I showed three clips during his interview of films he'd been in and he wasn't in any of the clips. Oh, that is quite bad, Frank.

That's funny. When I picked the best bits. Oh my god. Anyway, that was him. Anyway, I like your new Statesman career. Thank you. It's only one week. I just did the diary for one week.

It's very good companies in. There's all sorts of posh people. David Bideal's done one, I notice. Prestigious. Yeah. It's a sort of a labor. Oh, yeah. Yes.

It's all right. It was no judgment in the... I would enjoy you having the weekly diary in Tatler. I don't know about that. Frank Skinner meets another debutante. And I'm into that if I've rejected Keir Starmer and all his empty promises. Have you visited the Blair Lounge downstairs? Oh man.

Oh God. So that was that. Okay, we've had some other outside world. We've had a recommendation for you Frank. High-alt very long-time listener and veteran of many unread messages. Well, that's all being rectified now Dave Williams. Yeah. Definitely Williams, yeah. I've just accidentally stumbled across Channel 328 on Sky. Don't worry, I've checked it out, it's all fine. I worry about the high up ones, Frank. No, you're alright there.

I think the ladies saying, call me guys. Are they still there, the ladies? I haven't seen them for years. I don't know if they're still there. Oh, guess what? I haven't seen them for years. I don't know if they're still there. Oh, guess what? I've never seen them. Is it only fans who have replaced the ladies on the channels? Do people still pay for the channels?

That's true. Are these only fans? Is it all rude? Or are the people on who are just doing fan stuff? Well, they've launched a campaign over the last year or so to seduce comedians into doing it because it Not doing well, so it wasn't supposed to be the porn one, but it has become it Only fans is the clowns are on there. Oh, yeah They don't need to be on Frank. I beseech you. Please don't go on any fans

I don't think they'll be calling me they don't call you. on there. Frank, I beseech you, please don't go on OnlyFans. I don't think they'll be calling me. They don't call you, it's not how that works. They're trying to, they were supposed to be like Patreon, but Patreon said no 18 plus content and OnlyFans said, well, whatever, whatever, music, comedy, 18 plus content, fine. But naturally that means that they just almost immediately became the porn one. Oh, I see. And everyone else went on Patreon. But they're trying to change that. So they're

saying to comedians, you know, it doesn't have to be porn. It could be maybe covered. You could upload all your funny songs. It's got a branding issue now. It's got a branding issue. But what you were talking about going on. I did with my feet. Only because I was inspired by Lily Allen. She's an example of someone she doesn't do rude stuff David Harbour, oh is he? Oh you and that thunderbolt. The comedian Jessie Cave is on there brushing her long hair. She's very wholesome and lovely

She's on there brushing her long hair Jessie Cave Married to Alfie Brown. Yeah, wasn? Lavender Brown. Lavender Brown, yeah. Yes, in Harry Potter. May I return to Dave Williams? No, please do. And Channel 328 on Sky, which we've now... Very few women do. I'm sorry, Dave, I'm totally guessing. Your first email and you've been absolutely slammed, Williams. No, it's Dave Williams. It's mine. It's called Talking Pictures and its schedule for this Saturday morning includes Batman, Fireball XL5.

Let me tell you some others. Space Patrol. William Tell is on there, I think May Grey is on there a lot. Robin Hood. Captain Scarlet. Captain Scarlet, yeah. And a Jacques Tati film that's not mon oncle. Non mon oncle. Surely worth a look, Frank, especially as you have Saturday morning free now. Aww.

He's got me at the end. As you have Saturday morning free now Do you know Dave does add a ridiculously in there in fairness well, okay, I am I That's so you that I want talking pictures. It's so you but so you're already aware of this channel. Yes Oh my word Yes. Oh my word. It's old stuff. I watch it. I watch it. What does Kath say when you're watching that? She doesn't like the snooker. The branding is a bit on the nose. Talking pictures. Yeah, just for the elderly. I would say. So the soundies, the talkies. Can you imagine how many captions there are on there that say this program has attitudes and language which reflects a different type. Yeah, old English.

There must be lots of ads with Peter Sissons advertising coins commemorating VE Day. I'm not sure. There must be ads, but I don't remember the ads on there. They have things like intervals when you get a black and white picture of people streaming into a cinema. I'm going to watch talking. Do you pay for talking pictures? No. Well, I don't think so. And at 7pm every night, it's just that train pulling into the station, that first ever film. But there's loads of films on as well.

And there's like Mike Reed has got his own show on there. Are they all films called things like, they said it came from Morocco? No, there was one on yesterday, a war film called The Long and the Short and the Tall. They're all black and white with, what was he called? Richard Todd. Yes. Oh, great. You'd love it. There I know. Oh great.

You'd love it. It's a lot of war. A lot of horror, a lot of war, a lot of western. What is there for me? Some of my parents' friends getting a job, getting a repeat fee. That's about it. Yeah, I watch it a lot. I know it's a tragic thing. It's mostly, you know, it's the past. It's actually... Is it past times in TV form? It is.

You're literally looking at the past. It's such a funny tagline. Talking pictures, it's the past. It's about old things. I'm in. Talking pictures, strap line, safer than going outside. You can have that guys. Before we go I've got a thank you to do. Marjorie, who I'm told in this letter works at, I've actually taken her off my headphones to read it.

I said, that's wrong isn't it? You have to put glasses on when your headphones are off. I'm one of your New York bass listeners and I work for Penguin Random House. Wow. And she sent me a book which is called A Swim in a Pond in the Rain by George Saunders. And it is, I'll tell you what it is, it's Russian short stories and then George Saunders and it is, I'll tell you what it is, it's Russian short stories and then George Saunders analysis of the writing skills in them and David Baddiel told me he'd read it and he said the stories are great, obviously I'm not that interested in other people's criticism of them.

Oh God, wow. In a fabulous, they can't tell me anything kind of way. Oh, I love David. We do love DB. It's a Frank Skinner podcast. A new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going.

Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at avalonuk.com.