The Frank Skinner Show - Pretending To Be Asleep

Episode Date: June 26, 2026

Frank, Em and Ruth have thoughts on ‘Hot Podium Guy’, the viral sound engineer who appears every time a Prime Minister steps down. They also discuss the best way to get out of an argument - and it's a good one. If you want to message the show, email us at [e-mail] or WhatsApp us on 07457 417 769 We’re currently sponsored by BT - behind brilliant things! Search ‘Why BT’ to find out more or click on the following link: https://www.bt.com/broadband/why-bt Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's Frank off the radio. It's the Frankskinner podcast, don't you know? We're having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave. The temperatures rising, it isn't surprising. I think then it goes. She certainly can, can, can. Which obviously rather than being a weather report makes it assorted. It's a little unpleasant.

It's a suggestion of some sort of temperature. rise in the trousers. Oh, I don't like their trousers. No. Anyway, this is Frank Off the Radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Ruth Hosko. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via Frank Offer Radio at Avalonuk.com. WhatsApp.

Let me see. Oh, I like the Coolston, Ray. Yeah, yeah. You know, I don't remember that one. I'm sure we've played it before. Do you know, do you remember that, Ruth? Frank tried to make Colston take off. I really thought it would catch on.

How long ago was that? It was probably about six years ago and it's never quite happened. And I'm still waiting. Coulston never showed his face. I remember the big rumour about Diana Ross when I was at school was that she was dead. Oh, is that right? Yeah, people used to say she's dead and, uh, It's all, you know, it's all, they use doubles and that when she makes an appeal.

Is that right? Well, we had, I won't mention the rumour that we heard. It's about a famous 80s pop singer. Oh. I think you'll know what it is. Yeah, well. We won't go into it. But that's the least interesting rumor is you're dead, isn't it?

I mean. How easy to refuse. I would call that gossip. Oh, they're dead, apparently. I mean, that was not what people said when Diana Ross cropped up. still alive now. We didn't have any celebrity rumours at our school, although I remember people saying that Matt Goss and Luke Goss

had come to the school in Darleston, which I find very difficult. I was hoping you were going to say we're one and the same person. That would be a good rumor. Oh, that would be great. It's all just, they just had a mirror on stage. And of course, Ken, they called him, Craig the drummer. And Viz rather cruelly referred to him as Ken.

and Matt, Luke and Ken the ugly one who no one fancies, which was horrible. Oh, no, that is. What was that? Can I tell you exactly what that was? I turned my phone off, but it was still activated on my laptop. It was your wife sending me a message. Well, you've got to read it tapes. Given that it was your wife.

Don't read it out. I'm not going to read it out. It was about meeting up with her and your sister-in-law. Anyway, but they called him Ken the Ugly Orl and then he got his revenge. because they lost their money and he became head of Sony music or something. Did he really? Their manager of Pink. I find the ugly off and do better in business.

Do you, right? What makes you think that? Because I think good-looking people for so long everything's been easy for them. And then when the look start to go a bit and the hair disappears, this is mainly, whereas the ugly have been working forever. They're already, you know, their feet are already moving.

The good-looking can become. I think they can become wealthy and successful if they trade off the looks and someone else is managing their career. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there you go. But they've done all right, the boys.

God bless you. Wait till all my exes see this. That's what I'm thinking. Well, I'm thinking that that was what Jerry Halliwell said to me. I interviewed Jerry Halliwell and she said, what keeps me going more than anything in this business is all those girls who was horrible at school that were now living in council flats

and working in factories. I said, that's one of the most horrible things I've ever heard said. That's your motivation. Let's just enjoy what. Let's not think, oh, great. Other people have got terrible lives. I like one of my favourite Room 101's. Because she didn't, she didn't just dress in white in those days.

I'm not sure. She hadn't gone new age. One of my favourite Room 101's, I went to see when you're hosting it, was when she was Catherine Reimer's on, I think, the same week as Jerry. and she, Catherine was saying she was single at the time and she said every pot needs a lid Catherine. Did she say that? Yeah and Catherine said, I'm a wok, Jerry.

Oh, nice. That was a great response. That is a very good response. Pressure the woman. I've speaking of the ugly one, so to speak, though. Hello, I'm sitting here. There's stuff this, sorry, I drift off at times. I mean, I have got a name.

I am. Never you. I was reading about Hot Podium Guy. Oh, HPG. In case you don't know, can I say first of all, I haven't made a problem with Hot Podium guy. The idea is that when a Prime Minister resigns, which is about once every six months, it feels like.

They have to stand and do a speech in Downing Street. And this guy, I don't know what his job, He can't just do the host. I mean, I know they're quite regular. He's busy now. He's rushed off his feet. He's a sound tech, isn't he? Is that what he is?

Well, I mean, not that I know anything about him. His name is Tobias Gough. He comes from Kent and he's a sound engineer. Okay. I might have discovered on Google. But what he does is he brings out what is called the podium. It isn't the podium at all. It's a lectern.

Yeah. Yes, you're right. It's not a podium. The podium is what you stand on. So really he's hot lectern guy. But that sounds a bit. like the bloke who eats people in there. Silence of the Lambs.

That's why they can't call him hot lectern. Exactly. Hannibal lectern. Exactly. That's what they also call him. Well, the other bloke. But there's two of them carry it out. Is there another guy and he's not as hot?

And he never gets anything. This is mortifying. Who I call a horrible lector. But that's true because this is real shade. Because I saw the video of a minute together and it says, Hot podium guy and there's a big red circle around the hot guy. Nothing for the other guy. No, that's horrible.

Bruce, can you imagine if we walked out of it today and it said hot Frank Skinner girl and there was a big red circle around you? I mean, it would be awful. It's like he... The bloke is not. He's not like Cozimodo. He's a perfectly ordinary looking guy. He just sat next to Hot.

Frank. We're all Cozimodo next to HBG. Next to Hot Embolector. HLG. Hot lectern. Yeah, but I... So hang on, what's... When they say sound engineer,

why is it always the same one? That's what I don't understand. Also a sound engineer brings a bloody leg turn out. They short stuff or something. He should be doing the technical. If I said, if I pointed next door

to our sound engineer and said, you get me a chair from Spiritland and tell me to fuck myself. So I don't know what, I'll stop a... calling him a podium guy. Whole lectern guy.

Yeah, Hot-Bull Lectern. He, I'm going to stick with that if it kills me. He, uh, why is he doing heavy shifting? Heavy shifting? He should be turning switches. Is that your version of heavy lifting? Yeah, exactly. I also like that people, I don't.

Do you remember Hot or Not, by the way? I do. Hot or Not was the first internet thing like I really got involved in. In case you're too old, too young to remember this, or too old to remember it, I suppose. I always think that when people say, you know, I'll never forget today. And I think, well, we'll see. But see you in the care home.

But hot or not, do you remember it, Ruth? At the time, because I would have been in my late teens. Did you submit yourself on hot or not? You were on Hot or Not? Oh, God, I wonder which one I pressed when you came up. I had Black Pixie Cut, so if you think more Elvis lean in. And did Hot or Not? Did you get told whether you were...

Oh, yeah. I remember what the racing was, yeah. You got your scores? Yeah. Oh, Frank. It's a brute. If I don't know, I would have pressed more hot. I know, yeah.

Well, you get an average. You don't get, you know. Oh, you don't get into. I mean, it's essentially what Tinder is, isn't it? Just to say, if you don't, if you've never heard of it, a face would come up. You could pick men or women. There was just the two in those days.

Yeah. And so they'd come up and then you'd literally press the hot or the not button and whether you thought they were attractive. I was a brutal business. I never knew they got feedback. They got told. Oh, no. Do you feel a bit bad now?

Well, how many hots and how many knots do we do you say? You got a percentage. Oh, no, it was out of ten. So like you're sitting like rotten tomatoes, flesh or almost a, you know, you are 45% hot. Yeah, that sort of thing. I seem to remember, I'm sure it was out of ten. Yeah, anyway. And you had half points as well.

Yeah. That's heartbreaking. I don't want a half points. Give me a point or piss off. Anyway, so Kea Starmerer, he hasn't actually gone. He's done that thing, I hate it when people go, but they don't go. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Like football managers, when they say I'm leaving at the end of the season. Oh. Where are we now, limbo? It's like those relationships that drag on as well. Yeah, when people say, well, you know, we can't afford to move. Oh, God, I'd rather live in the bloody street. I'll tell you what, that makes me feel ill that does when couples break up and they go,

we're still living together, I'm in the spare room, I think, it's all very amicable. Oh, yeah, of course it is. You're so middle class. You know, the worst thing I heard, Frank, was our old plumber, family plumber, and he said, yeah, well, the thing is, is I would split up with my wife,

but we can't because of the Alsatian. That was the best excuse I heard. He won't let him out. He said, we can't get divorced because of the Alsatian, it's cruel. It's been a mixed week for a friend of the show, George Foraker's, hasn't he? Because Richard Osmond suggests that he would be the next Doctor Who, which is a good call. Which is amazing.

But then, Keistama resigned, which has completely fucked up his comedy career because that's what... He's surely got to burn him in his back pocket. It's his own fault. He's made him look. Ridiculous, he's got sacked. Now, he's hoisted by his own patar. Oh, let's blame George. His patar.

I love that. Yeah. While my patar gently hoists. Do you think he's been working on the Burnham? We have to find out. Yeah, they do come out with them pretty soon out the gate. They work on the antique. Well, they're not back.

It's not until September, so he's got time to... This is true. I think he's probably safe he can start. now. Oh yeah, come on. I would say. This spring, denim gets a softer, lighter update.

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moment. Old Navy's drapey denim wide leg. Frank, on another subject, I'm assuming you saw the England game. I did see the England game. Yes. Well, one of our listeners has a query for you. This is John. The England game, by the way, we're recording this.

The day after England played a... Well, I suppose one would have to term a shit game against Garner. I think the Guardian described it as Turgid. Yeah. I have to say, I had had just as a pre-earned, as a precursor to the, I did a gig and then I got home. And anyway, I had a horrible argument

with my wife, really unpleasant. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. And so, it was the England game I needed because a really great performance would have been totally wasted on me. I don't think I would have cheered if they'd scored. Honestly, I don't think I would. So what I really needed,

it was like a continuing, wallowing misery. I understand that. Yeah, it was absolutely the right thing. I want the world to suffer with me. If they'd have played well, it would have been extremely inappropriate. It's true. I mean it.

I get it. Yeah. I thought, thank God this issue as well. I know, but I thought Anthony Barry, your friend. Frank was a big fan of Anthony Barry, weren't you? Anthony Barry is the England assistant coach who came out. You wouldn't know it. In half time against Croatia.

If you're not into football, stick with me. Because he was just, he did that thing where I'm just going to say exactly what I think about this, which obviously they school out at them pretty quickly when they get to the senior post. He did what I'm going to call a Frank Skinner. He was just utterly honest. Yeah, yeah, he was brutal. It was brutal. But he was nicer last night, wasn't he?

Which worried me because it made me realize how bad things were. But John has got in touch Can I just say something about last night There was a moment I really like this You know I love Jude Bellingham Partly because he talks like Osru I bet you like him too for that reason

So he got mad of the match And they said how do you feel about this? He said well I don't deserve it But he said it obviously He should have gone to one of their defenders He said but I know It's nice But I shouldn't have got it

which was true. Yeah. But they asked him about this tackle that he'd done. And he said, well, I did a, it was a stupid tackle reason. Then all their bench got up trying to get me a yellow card. He said, and I thought, oh, I recognize the manager. He used to be at Man United. What?

That never cropped up in any of the preparation. They're all trying to get in my yellow card. He said, oh, it's that bloke. I don't know it was him. Is that not relevant? that he used to be at man. Of all the things that was happening, and he might have got a yellow card and that.

It was that moment. Oh, look who it is. That's got to be some of the most black country responses as well. It is very black country. I am very fond of him. I mean, obviously my heart belongs to Saka, but Jude's up there for me. John has said,

Hi, Frank Emily, and this episode's Delightful Company. That's you, Ruth. That's me. Longtime Reader 710 reporting for duty. Regarding Frank's Tenter Hook's anxiety In crime dramas and such like And well done for saying Tentahook I picked up on that

I've said I've had a couple of people say Tender Hooks just lately I bet you never pick them up on it Well I think it's part of my advancing maturity That I have let it go a couple of times Yeah I mean I think less of them I despise them for it But in the old days

I would have said it's Tenta Actually not tender Well, what I used to do, which is much worse and much less direct than you, which is unsurprising, a little bit more passive-aggressive, emmy dean. I will reuse the word again shortly afterwards in the correct way. Oh, yeah. Well, I've done that with pronunciation. The brutal Birmingham Monasterty, you know where you stand.

Well, like I say, I'm fighting it now, because if you remember my New Year's resolution was to be less of a twat. So I do let things pass now a lot more than I did. I didn't last night, and that's why I had a big argument before the fucking England game. I was class. I met the mistake of saying once every four years at World Cup and ruined this day. Well, that's like when you did say to Kat once when you had, no, she said to you, you ruin lives. It's the best thing she's ever said.

They had an argument about her taking too long at the bar with friends and he was having to hold the seats. And he came back and said, I don't know what you said, but you were not. I ate having to hold seats. I don't look at you and think I could have him if he are. Oh, Frank. You've got that suspicion from your dad with the salt in the pocket. Not everyone is doing that. And Kathy's response, which I think is the greatest response ever to a partner in a row is you ruin lives.

That's got history. There's law to that. Yeah. Like I was ketamine. I just want that you were getting Giscan. You ruined lives. Yeah. Live, the plural, is what I enjoyed.

I know. But I was going to ask you about the argument, right? Because I had an argument with my mom this weekend, and I want to know, how do you and Kath resolve the argument? How did you resolve it the other night? Yes, is it resolved now? Oh, it's still on going. I see.

Oh, God. Because my mum just lay down on the... I'm on your side, Kath. She lay on the sofa and pretended to be asleep, so she didn't have to listen to me anymore. That's... Does that... Would you try that?

One of my... One of the few... I think of myself as a very honest man, but one of the things I have done over the years several times, which is a deceitful thing, is pretended to be asleep. And sometimes I pretend to be asleep when I gain nothing from you. I just think, oh, I can't be. Oh, I'm going to pretend to be asleep.

I don't even want to have just general chat. And I'm very self-conscious about pretending to be asleep. I bet this looks shit. But I actually lie like this. And sometimes I go, oh, oh, just to suggest that I... But it's a real... I understand it. It's like you've got...

All I'm thinking is, shit, I'm pretending to be asleep. I'm into this now. And I don't know if I'm any good at pretending to wake up. So I have to stick with it. I can see the appeal of that because it almost gives you this incredible sense of power. Because no one knows. It's like being an undercover cop. or something.

It's exactly like that. That is like. It's like being, what was that Irish bloke? He used to spy on people in TV shows. What was he called? Do you remember him? Yeah, hang on. Oh, you're talking about gay?

Oh, no. Spying people in TV? It was something, yeah. So he did things like he hung around with these football hooligans. Oh, Donald McIntosh. That's it. That was the guy, yeah. Yes.

He would always pretend he didn't infiltrate gangs. I know. I don't remember him ever pretended to be asleep. This week on McIntyre Investigates. Don't all pertends to his wife that he says, who would he be trying to enforce it? Yeah, I overheard some, I was spying on some people in a hostel,

and I was pretending to me a slip. It's not great, Telly, is it? And he's putting on little stripy pajamas and a hat to the bubble arm. Stripy pajamas with all wires hanging out of them with these sound equipment. The little candle stick. Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. Yes, because he infiltrated the fashion industry. Yeah, and found out that the models did cocaine. You don't say. We couldn't believe it. Wow. He must have been asleep. And he had to invent.

He said, I'm calling from a magazine. It's called Polka Dot magazine. Did he say that? And I remember that's what he lost me. I thought, no, Donal. No fashion magazine is called Polka Dot. No. No, that was his name, meaning.

That was his Sudan. He was a female poker player called Dot. Honestly, Frank, do you think it was like 1917 or something? I don't know. Gleeves of stocking. He also hung out with some football hooligans and found out they were racist. Without him, we wouldn't know these things. I mean, given all this the sleep documentaries looking fascinating.

Yeah. Do we want to finish with John? I mean, not finish with John. No, no, yeah. You know what I mean. Anyway, as John was saying, he talked about, this all started from your tenterhook's anxiety in crime dramas and such like.

I was wondering if... You know what this is, is that when people are going through someone's drawers in their office and the person remembers that they left the file and they're coming and they're going to get caught, I find that absolutely agonising. So any, like all the president's men, forget it. Oh God.

It's your nightmare. Weird cameras that look like cigar cocker. You know that? And I just pull it to one side and put it. I've never seen that camera

anywhere else in the world except when someone's in an office. Oh yeah. It's a special document camera. Why don't they just use the iPhones for course? Why don't I just use a camera? What is that fucking thing they've got with a sly?

And they leave it so to the last minute, guys. You can sometimes. see the security walking down the corridor right outside the door. They're still taking the pictures. Yeah. And there's a frosted door as well. They're always. Yeah.

Anyway, John continues. I was wondering, so given your feelings about crime dramas and the anxiety you experience, I was wondering if like me, he also shares the same feelings when our goalkeeper, Pickford, comes right outside the box and is passing the ball around our defenders, drawing in the other team. I literally cannot bear to watch. I need a little lie down. Sorry, Frank, just something.

Thought about it. John wants to know what Frank. What's he going to do pretend to be asleep? When the back is on. A good stress reliever. John is coming out the bar. I've never been brave enough to go. I've never.

That is you really are. What is it? Goldie looks. That's ridiculous. You're really out there when you go. But that's because I'm. I don't believe anyone snores like that. I didn't used to believe in snoring, and then my, then, some of my...

You didn't believe in snoring, what ethically? Well, no, I just used to think people would exaggerate it for comic purposes. But then I've heard some of my friends' husbands, as they get older, they fall asleep, Frank, in front of the telly. It's unbelievable. As they come out with? I couldn't live with that. You're not a snorer, and I really respect that. Well, I think I might...

When I've snored with cats, She just wakes me up. Yes, straight away. Saying you're ruining my life. What does she say? You ruin lives. Little does she know I wasn't actually asleep. Anyway, can you tell John your thoughts on this?

Do I get anxious when... Pickford comes off his line, essentially. This World Cup, I'm glad to get him out the way of the fucking goals. Because I think he's not had the best World Cup ever. He seems to be slapping and dropping. Thomas Tuchel shouted at him the other day, He said, do what I told you. Did he?

Yeah. What does that mean? Not left any goals in? He does seem a bit more hopeful. I love Pickford, but this world copies just looked a bit ropy so far. Okay. But do you ever get that feeling of dread? What's the feeling of dread with England?

What's the thing about watching England that you find, specifically in a match that you find... Other than penalty shootouts. Obviously penalty shootouts. I'd say what I do worry about. When you're chasing... a late goal and somebody kicks across into the box and it goes straight to the goalkeeper. I read that is the worst thing anywhere, but not straight to the bloody goalkeeper.

I would agree. But I think we're doing all right. I don't mind the odd rob. You have to have some rubbishy draws in the tournament. That's just the way. Oh, you've made me feel slightly better. And also there's lots. He's always very comforting in these tournaments.

I would say the trope for this World Cup is. is teams that we think of as not in the firebread. Yeah, have been getting good results against the biggies. So that's the theme. So we're on topic. And also there was a gone-in witch doctor called Nana. Did you hear about him who said he'd put a curse on the England team? Oh, yeah.

It worked. It worked. He said he specifically put it on Harry Kane. It really worked. Yuri Geller said he said he was. was going to, he said, I will reverse the curse. Oh, okay. Reverse the curse, I like.

He don't hear a Yuri Geller anymore, do you? What he said, Yuri. I wonder why. Well, what he said was... We know now. We know. Once we know, he's got problems. He said, I will use my powers to cancel the vibration.

Okay. But, you know, I don't think it worked. Nana was also responsible, allegedly. He's called Nana, the phone. Yeah, Nana, the Ghana. The Ghana, which doctor? for Ronaldo. Do you remember he had a dodgy knee? I think it was 2014 or something.

He said that was hit down to him. Oh, I've got a Cardo knee. A Cardo delivered today and I was trying to get the bags indoors and I walked into the war and I can still feel the pain in it. I understand. I'm not sure you could call that a Cardo knee though. I don't think you can blame Ocardo for walking into a wall. Well, I was swerving with the thing is when a cardo comes, the dog was fucking ballistic.

Someone's rushing to get the bags in because the dog is just going mad. I bet she senses that it's food or she'll smell it when it arrives. That's like when you had a Blumenthal back. When Houston Blumenthal jumped on your back, you never really forgave him for that. No.

Look, he just says, sorry to bring it up. But then I think, did the fat dot close? No, yeah, the fat dot closed shortly afterwards. They had food poisoning. I contacted the Garnet in which they had. and said this boy, I've sat on my back. Can you fuck his restaurant? Can you ruin his life as well?

Can you sit on his restaurant metaphorically? That's fantastic. Oh, Nana. Do you know what? I think we should all be, he's like, I think we should all be allowed one call to Nana. Oh, yeah. You've had yours, right?

Do you not like witch doctors? I don't want my wife to have that call at the moment. Perhaps that's what's up to my knee. Oh, yeah. Look, can I say I love my wife? very much. And by the time this goes out, I'm sure everything will be okay. Some Tory MP, okay. Can I say, I love my wife very much and this unfortunate incident? Well, it was all very unfortunate, but there we are. Okay. Well, look, this, I bet you had a lovely Father's Day, Frank.

Yeah. Good. Well, that had issues as well, but let's not go into it. It's this damnable heat. Oh, why don't they come? I was going to talk about the heat. Can we just share this quickly? Of course. Because I don't want to leave Caroline and Kieran from Suffolk hanging. Oh, I like Caroline and Kieran.

So do I, from Suffolk. It feels like it wants to do. Was it the carpenters that said? I know it was. Or was it, Mama's and the Poppers. Caroline and Keenan always let me down. That was the carpenters. You're absolutely right.

I see they're called carpenters. Oh, yes. Very, very, very, you know. No thee. No thee. That was a bit like my dad used to, I'm afraid he did. That's meant to be a dad's thing, isn't it? They had thee onto bands all the time.

Oh, yeah, like I heard someone say, the dire straits. Yeah, exactly. And my dad said to us in the 80s, we were watching Christmas Top of the Pops. And he came in and said, 2,000 years of civilization and what do we get, the freeze? And my sister's a dad, they're called freeze. You're so embarrassing. Did he call it top of pop? No, he knew that because he worked with them.

He didn't warn me about some of the people on there, but what can you do? No. We didn't know. We didn't know. No, I don't know. I think some people did know. No, I didn't know. Not you.

Anyway, we've had... It didn't reach Albury. No. This is more of a visual thing, and I think we should put this on Instagram in a little carousel maybe. A little carousel. A little carousel. Someone has found a card. I wish I'd known about this card, even though my father's no longer with us, I would have found this to give to someone.

As long-term fans, imagine my joy when I found this perfect card for one of our sons to give to their dad. I'm afraid they've called it hashtag niche. It's a card of you and Dave. Okay. It said, Dad, it's Father's Day. Another year of hurt. Oh. That's not very nice.

No. I'm all right with that. And then it says, in parenthesis underneath, two. your finances. And there's a little picture. Someone's done a picture. There's a lovely little cartoon of Frank and David in their England shirts, in their three-line shirts.

This, I believe, is available at some retailer. Oh, that sounds great. There's a cartoon of Frank. Is it like a caricature? I would describe it very much as the kind of, you know, when you get those people on beaches, traditionally, you think, of people handing you back. People who have sand kicked in their face.

What do you have a look at it here? What do you think? I don't think it looks too much like Frank. Okay. I was thinking is it going to look like Peter Capaldi. But drawings have been. They always look like Dave and they never look like. Yes, why is that?

I wonder. Maybe, yeah. I'm just looking at this. No, it's, yeah. Anyway, we'll put it off there. We'll put it on. Again, it does look like Dave. Yeah, really does.

I look like I might be in the Lord of the Rings. I'm afraid I think you look like you might be on some sort of register. Yeah. I'm not comfortable with that picture. Anyway, hashtag niche. You know, come on, Caroline and Kieran Bickrull. But I love that you enjoyed the card. No, I did enjoy the card.

I like it. Okay. You were so sorry, Ruth. You were going to say something. Well, I was just going to say some about Father's Day cards, because they're all, if you look at them, they're all either to my lazy, fat farting. alcoholic dad.

Oh, no. Yeah. You just got a nice one then. I'm surprised. Bice didn't go for the alcoholic dad. Well, it's usually got... Horses for courses. She usually got like beer on it or, you know.

No, you're absolutely right. It's always like dad and it's golfer. I mean, I noticed there was never one for me. My father read the psychology of consciousness, as you know, Frank, in the breakdown of the bicameral mind on the beach. There were no cards aimed at him. No. It was all dads like golf, dads like beer.

Well, I had like a pop-up card. So when you open it, it becomes a fully erect tardis. Everyone just relax. Yeah, I thought I'd leave the pause for... I found everything about that somewhat difficult. I found that somewhat difficult. Why? Well, what I mean is when you're...

It literally becomes 3D. It's a proper little tardis. Okay. That's proper little tardis. Perfect sense for you. I like proper little tardis. It's a proper little TARDIS This is when

George Four Acres becomes the doctor Oh look at that for a nice little tardis Frank would love it if George became the doctor It's the dream honestly I would It's perfect I'd love if anybody became the doctor But there isn't a programme at the moment

Oh that's a shame Will there be a programme? Well I don't know The BBC disrespect it That's what I think That's it I'm pouring tea. Turned into some rappers battle.

Disrespect it. They do, though. Do they? I don't like... I don't like Doctor Who being disrespected. I don't really understand the law of it not being there anymore. I don't. They need to find...

Is it a franchise thing? I don't really understand, Frankmore, no. Well, it's been put out to tender. Not tender. Not tender. It's been put out to... Oh, so someone's got to pick up on it, basically. Apparently, the...

production companies are all pretending to be asleep. But it's not like it's expensive to make. No, exactly. Exactly. I mean, you can do it on the cheap. Carry on, Ruth. Carry on Ruth, it'd be a... I'd watch that.

I used to love the carry-ons. I've hardly seen any films in my life. Late review, I watched Lord of the Rings recently. All of it. What did you think? Did you enjoy it? Well, it's bloody three hours long, you know? Is it true as long?

Yes, I'm aware. No, it's more than that if you put them all together. No, we just watched the first one, sorry. I love it. It's bloody three out. It's long. Pete Bradshaw, the Guardian. Well, so I don't really like watching films apart from the carry-ons.

And I was doing it for this thing I'm doing about, I'm trying to find a film I like it, the 100 Greatest films. Oh, that's good. So Lord of the Rings was the first one. Is this for a writing? Yeah. Assignment. Something like that, yeah.

And, oh my God, late review. It's really long, yeah, that's what I've got to say. And also, I don't really, nothing really happens. You've seen a film? I mean, things happen. I've seen it, but I can't remember it. I mean, I've seen it, but it's like wizards and, ah, I can't do that. There's orcs.

There's orcs in there? What is an or? Is there any hashtag orcs? There's no hashtag orcs. It was before. It was well before then. It was 2001, and I first went to see it. I remember seeing it in the cinema, in where,

Warsaw at Warsaw showcase cinemas. You might know yourself, Frank. I never went to, I never went as far as Worsal. Why is that? For the illumination. Isn't that in Poland? Worsal. Oh, okay.

What's Worsal? Worsal. It used to be, there's an arboretum. I've heard of it. I've heard of it. It's an arboretum in Worsal and they used to have the illuminations. Okay. Yeah, it's lovely.

Well, it was. I don't know what it's like now. But I went to that with my first ever boyfriend and I fell asleep within in about 20 minutes. Did you though? Yeah. You don't have to keep that ruse going, isn't you? Don off.

Turns out we're all at it, Frank. Frank's exposed off. Was he racist or on cocaine? Yeah, I fell asleep. And he dumped me after because I fell asleep. Oh, wow. Did he? Isn't it what, really?

Yeah. He said that was the reason. Yeah, I was snoring. No one's ever been told the reason for being dumped. In my opinion. Never. Never. What about when I got told

I need to focus on my A levels? Oh. Oh, please. Hold on, is that a you for this? Well, do you know? To this day, I've been wandering. Yeah? I've never known the answer.

As a man, perhaps you can tell me. And he was 37 at the time. Yeah, exactly. I've heard some experiences. Anyway. Yeah, so that was just one of my late reviews and I'm going to be watching things like The Godfather. Never seen that one.

Also quite long. What else? Are you doing one, two, and three, doing the trilogy, or just one? I don't know if I've got... I mean, you see, people do say two is the best. Oh, do they? Yes. Because you get the whole back story.

Well, it always push me off the Godfather. There would be some corner of a film studio, but there's a big pile of wet cotton wall ball. Because Marlon Brando used to puff out his cheeks with cotton wool things for the part. So he could sound like, well, I'm going to make it on. You're kind of, you know, what? I'm not too much kind of, but then he would take them out. And then, of course, they get wet in your mouth.

Oh, what about when he turned out for apocalypse now and he'd eaten too much cake? And so they had to film around him. Is that right? Yeah, that's why they filmed around him. It was very clever, though, in the end, wasn't it? You know, you never really see his, his. I saw someone, interviewed. I can't remember it was.

It was a Hollywood actress. I think it might have been Shirley Maclay. and she said she'd had a date with Marlon Branda. That's quite cool, isn't it? And he was talking about the film studio or something, and he started to get angry, and he had this wine glass, and he squeezed the stem of the wine glass,

and you know the ball bit? That just shot off, just snapped it. I mean, who wants to sit with someone's knockcase? Not case. Imagine that. Hang, it's quite an old-fashioned. We're referring to mental health.

The way they treat me at this little, if I, little, p, ping. Well, anyway, I've got an early start tomorrow. Marlon, I'm off. So if you need me, Marlon, obviously. Yeah, so exactly. That's what she should have done. Sorry about, oh, wake up. It's a Frank Skinner podcast.

New winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via Frank Off the Radio at avalonuK.com.