The Frank Skinner Show - Really Stylish

Episode Date: May 30, 2025

This week there's dinosaurs, ghosts and Frank's dream. We've also had a Whatsapp jingle in from a Reader that's really rather good. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's Frank off the radio, featuring him and that Parche Ladio, and the one with the French name, from South Africa came. They're all here, open brackets, hooray! Close brackets today. Oh, me titers and me fresh fried fish, you can have a little if you wish you can have it on a platter on a dish or in a little bit of piper. Pierrie, you're watching that old documentary about the Blitz? Yeah, one thing to Frank Skipper's London tradesman calls. Plate or dish? Yeah, they're very versatile.

Very specific. Calls. Plate or dish? Yeah, they're very versatile. The London Street Trader. No doubt there'll be a The Rest Is London Street Trading starting within the next fortnight. Another idea stolen. Anyway, this is Frank off the radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram, you can email the podcast via Frank off the radio at AvalonUK.com, you can WhatsApp us on

07457 417 769, there you go Don. Very nice. Thank you very much. I had the radio radio in my car and they were advertising this new David Attenborough thing with no animals in it. What is that? It's called dinosaurs something. So there are dinosaurs in it? Yeah but they're not real ones. I thought you meant he was doing some sort of bleak documentary with no other creatures. This is what it's going to be like.

Stop killing the planet. Ken Loachville. Yeah, it's written a sitcom when he just sits on a park bench on his own. Wonders the moon. Yeah. He's going, David Attenborough doing New Star. No, he's got a thing, what's it called? Walking with dinosaurs.

What do you call dinosaur civilization? Somewhere like that. Anyway, the bloke doing the voiceover said, dinosaurs, the most iconic animals that ever lived. Eh? Who says that? I hate dinosaurs. They're really stupid names. Why not just call them Dinosaur? Why even bother distinguishing

them? It's not around. Why the anger at dinosaurs Hank? You know the thing, it's the thing that kids get obsessed with as if it's fascinating. Oh God, here we go. Anyway, look, I don't mind people liking dinosaurs. They are not the most iconic animals that ever lived, are they? It's not iconic. How do you decide that? Most iconic animals? It sounds to me a bit like Golden Lobes legends. I've just knocked it off at the last minute. The dinosaurs shut up.

The one thing that's always troubled me about dinosaurs, they don't have a very good sort good body ratio, I think. I think their BMI might be a bit troublesome. What is BMI? What I'm saying is they don't have good waists, dinosaurs. Very thick set creatures. Don't you think? Well, the T-Rex, of course, famously has the massive head and the short arms. Yes.

That's like me. So his teeth are terrible. He can't get to. Yes. That's like me. So his teeth are terrible, he can't get to the back. He can't get to the back set when he's brushing. I tell you what I did like, Frank, what about the brontosaurus? Because they're quite not, aren't they the sort of nice, slightly benign, long neck eating leaves? They're just dinosaurs, why are you distinguishing them? I agree they're not iconic.

I guess most iconic would be the one that's appeared in the most icons, like logos and sort of crests and things. Well, the one I loved, it turned out, doesn't even exist. It was made up for like 1950s terrible schlocky movies, was the pterodactyl. I always thought you meant Godzilla. No, pterodactyl, there's no such thing as pterodactyl, Clarey. That's not a dinosaur.

That's the only one I like. And the reason I like it, as I used to pride myself, is I could do a really good impression of it. Go on. The evidence for that, of course, is scants. That's kind of safe. That's good. Here we go.

They're actually cool. But so do old people. You know, there's nothing special about it. They're letting Attenborough do the voiceovers as a result here. For the fake dinosaur sounds. I think they're originally called, it says here, I said I think I've looked this up, Tettosaurus or something. They're flying reptiles so they're not technically dinosaurs. That's exactly my point. No one was there to see any of it. It's true. It's true.

Let's move on from dinosaurs before I lose the will. That's what our Lord said. I mean, yeah. That's what a lot of Americans are still saying. Yeah. I was just looking at the jingle ball. I don't really play jingles like I used to. Why is that? I don't know. I don't really think I'm pressing the button now. And I just looked and I saw how lovely that Mr. Radio is still on there. Sensitive. Oh, and Mr Single. No, no. Anyway, how's it all going?

Well, it's going well. I do need to share something with you though. Well, I'm not sharing it with you. It's something that happened recently. You and I were in the newspaper together. Oh, yes. I saw this. And while so did a number of our readers, for example Susan Hood in County Antrim. Okay. I'm just checking that Kath is okay with the fact that Frank has seemingly also married Emily. Praise has ever redacted. Would you care to explain? Did I not mention the Mormon conversion? Perhaps you haven't read my new memoir 47 Brides for 7 Brothers. Oh God. Yeah, well you were mistaken for my wife. Well I'll tell you what it said, did you see this

Pierre? The article? Well there are a number of them. Yes. What I found very mortifying was that the headline or the caption I should say said Frank Skinner gets married after four rejections. So what I think it looked like was that Kath had said no to him four times and I was the desperate loser. Oh, I see. That should have said, well, I'll have you. Or even four rejections just in general and finally hit upon. A sort of metaphorical they're not answering.

I'll see if I can leave the parcel next door. With me being next door in that metaphor. Yeah, exactly. But we did make it into the Telegraph. I would say it's what my parents always wanted, but that would be a lie. Yeah, the Telegraph is something that I can only read the headline on because you have to pay. Oh, it's not a political objection you have? No. It's a

fiscal one. No if it was free I'd be happy to read it all the way. Okay. How far down the half faded out opening paragraph do you read? Well I don't get into standard type. Oh okay. I get into that first couple of sentences that are sort of a bit thicker, a bit of a thicker font. Sometimes. And then suddenly a mist falls across. It goes somewhat opaque. It goes somewhat like Joan Collins' lighting in Dynasty. The parchment begins to come up. It kind of... A lovely misty gauze.

It kind of suits me because I can't remember the last time I read more than a paragraph of any article in a newspaper, no matter how interesting I found it. So a paywall is essentially a Frank Skinner reading simulator for everyone else. Exactly. I have a sort of an I can guess the rest policy, which are you. They're so long newspaper articles, they go yawning into the distance. Frank, you read the Bible. I read it in chunks though,

I don't take it on in large sections. What, in two sentence chunks? No, no. There you go. You've always had this problem when it comes to reading articles and you're a very well read man, one of the best read men I know. Goodness. And you have a strange mental block about news, reading articles. Because I just think, you know, you know that Rolling Stone song, Who Needs Yesterday's Papers? You just think I'm going to read this, it's probably already out of date. Yeah. Oh, but I love a long form Vanity Fair. Well, good for you. Speaking of vanity, I was walking to the studio this morning and I said to the producer, now, and someone stopped

me, a young woman, and she said, you're looking really sharp, sir, really sharp, nice suit, really nice haircut, you look cool. And she was one of those people that does a charity thing. And I thought, is she honestly thinking that I'm gonna go oh stop fluttering get my fan out get my fan out and start fluttering why sir start fanning yourself with £20 notes yes of course I'll sign this subscription like I was some 18th century cockette who could be won over by flattery.

I know who you're talking about. Oh, well I do. Don't tell me you got the same. No, no, no. But I did. I stormed past with a thunderous expression on my face because that's not a charity. Oh, yes. A pair's got beef with them.

It's a magazine subscription that masquerades as a charity. It's very opaquely run. There's a magazine subscription that masquerades as a charity. Very opaquely run. There's a couple of them in London. They present as a charity, but it's like a 50 quid for a magazine. Is it a front? It's not a front in the sense that it is just a business. It's like buying a copy of the Spectator. What's the magazine? It's not health and efficiency. We better not say, Frank. It might be a bit unnoiser watching News of the World. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm glad I didn't give. Yeah. Frank. And now I can readjust my memory of that to say that I didn't give it because it was a magazine rather than

I just never give to any of them. Frank, I've got a confession to make. Yeah. As I walked past, this is honestly true on my way here, she shouted out at me, you're looking really stylish. Oh, well there you go. No, I think she was still vainly calling at me, even though I'd passed 10 minutes before. And she said that to me two weeks ago. I leave him broken-hearted, that's what I do with the, what was the phrase you used? Vague business? Yes, big business. It was better than vague, but it's gone. Okay You're better than vague the Guardian so normally at this time of the year I brag about my I was gonna say partner, but this year I can say wife my wife's baking

Artistry, she's so good at me. She makes my son's baking artistry. She's so good at baking. She makes my son's birthday cakes and I've displayed them over the years. There's been Alice Cooper Kiss. Last year there was a sort of 3D reproduction of the American Idiot albums from Green Day. This year, I would say Bozzie's current craze is Ghostbusters. He loves that. He does. Did he inherit that from your attitude to ghosts, which is of extreme antipathy? Well, mine is fear. Tremendous fear. Whereas he ain't afraid of no ghosts. I'm going to a poetry festival in Cornwall, which is dedicated to the Cornwall poet Charles

Corsley. Oh yeah. And they said you can stay in his house. And I thought that'll be excited. And I spoke to another poet yesterday and she said, that'll be haunted. And I thought, oh, I wish you hadn't said that. Now I'll have to sleep outside. I think if you're going to be haunted, a poet would be a good person to be haunted by.

Because they're quite civilised and sort of, you know, romantic individuals. It's not really their attitudes that frighten me. What is it? The Reebok trainers under the white sheet? It is that one of it. I wouldn't mind if it was... it's the passing through walls. Oh Frank, come on. You're an intelligent man. You can't believe in these things. I don't believe in them in daylight.

Do you believe in ghosts, Pierre? No, but if I saw one I would immediately go to church every week. Well you're never going to see one, Pierre. But everyone else seems to have seen one, I would immediately go to church every week. Well, you're never going to see one, Pierre. But everyone else seems to have seen one, so you know. Who's seen them? Robbie Williams? Yes. I did a...

A terrier told me he'd seen... The first person who I was thinking of. He saw a ghost. I know someone who absolutely swore to me he'd seen a ghost. He wrote about it in his book. Phil the Power Tailor. Really? The arts player, yeah. Really? saw to me he'd seen a ghost. He'd wrote about it in his book. Phil the Power Tailor. He writes about it in his autobiography.

It must get very cumbersome that whole the power business. Every time you're signing your name or... What's that? You'd be saddled with the power. Well, he said he got in a mate's car and there was some CDs on the floor and one of them was that You've got the power. It was like it was his road to Damascus moment I know it's slightly more domesticate, it's road to domestos But yeah, that's when he became the power But yeah, that's when he became the power. Oh, what a silly, silly boy.

Did the ghost sort of stick its head through a dart board while he was practising? I can't remember the story. I think it gets a whole chapter in his autobiography. That is bizarre. Do you ever watch those? Is it Most Haunted or something? Oh no, I can't watch them. Well I can't just because I hate that filming when their eyes go like eggs. You know, in that weird filming. Oh yeah, that is horrible.

Oh it makes me ill. I like that of Vette Fielding but her eyes go like big eggs. No, I've interviewed Vette Fielding and she, unless she was lying to me, she does totally believe. But I'll tell you why only thing I ever watched it was in the days of a chorus when they tried to track down Dick Turpin. Did they find Dick? Well, they found, there was four people involved, shoot I'm told this fast, I'll tell you quickly. There was Dick Turpin, his wife, his I think, his girlfriend, I think was called Jane

Millington. Okay. Derek Cora said I had the name Mary Millington. Mary Millington was a 70s porn star. We all met with Stag, Slip of the Tongue, and... Slip of the Tongue was the least of her problems. I think that was her second film. But anyway, and then he named a gamekeeper and a man who was shot, and he named all these... We'd been told the story with these four characters, and then he named them while he was in a field in the dark. And they interviewed a woman in the audience and she said, what if you need any proof at all that ghosts exist, there it is. Yeah.

And I thought, I missed it. I missed what it was. And she said, he's named there four different people. And you know, the human brain can't retain that much information. I thought, right, when you say the human brain, should it be saying mine? In four names! If there was ever a woman you didn't want to be a witness in a crime. Exactly. Absolutely no memory. The human brain can't retain that much information. Poor names.

Yeah, who are the Beatles? John George Paul. I forgot. Now I don't know who my own mother is. So I had to remember the Beatles. I've deleted that. Do you have to relinquish one name every time you want to learn another one? Anyway, that was the evidence they had for ghosts. I still would be frightened if the

door slightly creaks. It's not that I object to ghosts, but the people who seem to spot them do seem to always have leggings and sparkly tops. They're dressed like drama teachers. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's aesthetic. I asked an audience once how many people had seen a ghost and I think there was nine people in an audience of, it's probably about 1500 in the theatre.

I expected more but nine people had the conviction to put their hand up. And then I asked how many people had seen Papua New Guinea and there was no one. I therefore established that the existence of ghosts was more likely than the existence of Papua New Guinea. There you go. So I don't know we got to that. The cake, the cake.

Oh yeah, so the cake, well remembered. It's the Ghostbusters symbol, you know, the sort of no entry for ghosts. Oh, I love that. So I get one of those for the door at the course. I'm going to call it, much like the dinosaur, iconic. It is iconic. Genuinely iconic. My memory of the very first days of that campaign when the first film came out, was those signs started appearing but with no lettering at all. So people in the pub saying, what is that like

a ghost thing? There was some debate as to whether it was a condom man. Not in our area. No. They finally banned the condom man. He's such a nuisance. Early on Sunday morning. I thought it was a Catholic symbol, no entry with a condom. Literally no one I ever heard, I grew up with thought that. Before the lettering arrived and then it was, it had ghostbusters on it, and then it became, apparently it was a film. It was very cleverly done, is my point.

Anyway, Kath made the cake. I thought it was great. She said, oh, it's shit. It's absolutely shit. I said, no, I think I really like it. She said, I'm ashamed of you. You cannot put a photo of this up. Oh.

She said, I don't want anyone to see this. She said, in fact, I'm going to tell Buzz that you did it. I said Buzz will not believe. She doesn't even want Buzz to believe that I did that. We should clarify at this point that it's very, very good. It is good. I think it's great. I'd be so proud of her.

I'd be telling everyone if I made that cake. Sorry, Kath, if you're listening, Frank did let us see it. Yeah. It's all right to let you see, but you all agreed it was really good. I can't make it public. She thinks it's so bad that it's possible to frame someone else for it. It's so bad I could have done it. Exactly. You've got to say you did it. Whereas we all know that before you managed to ice the red line across, you'd have been so frightened by the icing ghost that you had to leave the room. All the condom.

All the condom. In fact, it's all your worst nightmares contained in a battery substance. A ghost wearing a condom. It's a terrifying thought. Oh man, that would, I mean, you'd be frightened if the bedroom, the door wouldn't open I suppose. I don't want some sleazy ghost. If a ghost came in wearing a condom you'd be a bit anxious. What does that imply? You know what? Exactly. Oh wow. I'd be horrified. I would. I don't want to see that. I don't want to see a ghost. Have you came in wearing a condom to my bedroom?

Yeah, but what's next? That's what I'm worried about. What's he worried about? Yeah. He's dead. How dare you? How dare you suggest that you need to wear a condom? I suppose there'd be very little resistance to a ghost. Oh, I don't know. I bet they, I think they're quite sleazy. You don't need to lubricate for a ghost, do you?

It's like he's going through a wall already. He is already. Dexter on Frank of the Radiant. He's just gone through a wall. He's going to go through your wall. Frank? What? I'm just saying I'd be...

Stop saying that. Say things like that by wall. Well... I don't want to think about ghosts in my house. I don't want to think about ghosts in my house. I don't want to think about ghosts in my house. I don't want to think about ghosts in my house. I don't want to think about ghosts in my house. I don't want to think about ghosts in my house. I don't want to think about ghosts in my house. I don't want to think about ghosts in my house. I'm just saying I'd be... Stop saying that! Say things like that by wall. Well, erm...

I don't want to think about ghosts in my home. No. Certainly not in my bedroom. No. No. I don't like the way this is tightening like Google Maps. And I don't want to think about them in my... Anyway...

Frank. How do we get to ghosting... Oh, anyway... How do we get to ghosting her in condoms? I don't think we'll ever be able to answer that question. So I can't show my partner's, my wife's cake. No. Well that's a funny old euphemism.

It's very good. Oh my god, it's brilliant. We can convince Kath to let it be seen by the public but maybe not. She's got to let it be seen. You know what she's like. So we had contact from Stephen Clarke. I don't think it's Stephen Clarke, the Scotland football manager. But we were talking about a WhatsApp jingle that we could use. I haven't heard this myself yet, so I might press this and it's Lonnie Donegan singing My Old Man's a Dossman. But let's try it.

I really like it. That's nice. I really like it. Do you know what it sounds a bit like? It's like a sort of 80s film where the drug deal's going on. Yes, yes. Someone's unclipping a big silver suitcase to that. Yes.

Oh yeah. I have your shipment for you. Slightly badly done. Well done. What a brilliant giggle. Clarky. Clarky. They call him in the studio.

That's great. Yeah. I can easily imagine some men in suits that now seem comical but at the time were very sinister. Yes. Trading suitcases. That's something I imagine most days. I think Clarkie has really pulled it off, unlike that ghost that was in my room the other night.

Well, he pulled it off afterwards. Frank, always take it too far. Oh. Would it be, would it contain billions of dead? To use condoms? No more than usual. Billions of tiny dead. That's standard. Oh wow. People that never even made it.

Well I don't know what their process was. Were they ever people? Do ghosts have to chat, do they have to ever people? Do ghosts have to chat, mate? Do they have to have games? Do they have to chat people up? And, what are you doing here? In a place like this? I'm here often.

Looking sharp. I don't want to buy your ghost magazine. Pose it as a charity. Looking sharp, sir. Why do ghosts sound like Brian Blessed? I don't know. Do they all go to RADA? I mean, you never get properly ghosts, do you? They've all gone to RADA. I think they have to learn to project. It's much more frightening to have a sort of ghost, like a little urchin ghost, much

scarier. You get ghost children who bounce a ball on the stairs. That's a common thing. I don't know if you don't, Frank. You do. That's a common thing. I don't know if you don't, Frank. I don't know if you don't, Frank.

I don't know if you don't, Frank. I don't know if you don't, Frank. I don't know if you don't, Frank. I don't know if you don't, Frank. I don't know if you don't, Frank. I don't know if you don't, Frank. I don't know if you don't, Frank. I don't know if you don't, Frank. I don't know if you don't, Frank. I don't know if you don't, Frank. I don't know if you don't, Frank. I don't know if you don't, Frank. The little urchin ghost, much scarier. You get ghost children who bounce a ball on the stairs.

Ooh. That's quite common. It's how you don't, Frank. You do, that's a common thing. They hear a ball bouncing on the stairs and it's a Victorian child. Oh God, I hate those ones. Yeah. It's funny they bounce it as well, just they go straight through the hat.

Well yeah, the ball is real, but the, yeah. It's very odd to know where they've got any resilience and where they're just the worst one is the armored ones The one in the suit of armor. Oh, yeah, very scooby-doo Was also love scooby-doo. Well, there you go Into the paranormal record, you know, though, of course you could say that scooby-doo was one enormous denial of the paranormal record. Yeah, although of course you could say that Scooby Doo was one enormous denial of the paranormal. Refutation, yeah. Yeah, it's all about the championing of science.

With Velma being sort of Isaac Newton. Yeah, the ultimate. I bet you were a Velma fan, both of you boys. Yeah, I've said before, I always, all the boys liked Daphne and I always liked Velma. But Velma, if you stand back from Velma, she's not as, you know, frumpy as you might imagine. As we used to say in the days when I, at school, in the days when I first started watching Scooby-Doo, and I think you'd call this a sort of, what would it be, it'd be measured praise. I wouldn't climb over to shake hands with Harold Wilson, is what we used to say.

Look forward to you all trying that one out, Gen Z-ers. It was a suggestion that, not super attractive, but attractive nevertheless. It's a little bit problematic. Is it? It's a different time. It's funny to involve Harold Wilson in any sort of sexual measurement. I was going to say, mainly because you've involved Harold Wilson. That's the only reason. There are two things you want to do. You want to have sex and you want to shake hands with Harold Wilson. Speak for yourself. But such is the lure of this woman, you're going to turn your back on the former Labour

Prime Minister. Say sorry Harry, you know how it is. Don't think anyone ever called him Harry. No, he wasn't a Harry, was he? But yeah, that's what people used to say, I wouldn't climb over to shake hands with Harold Wilson. Okay. I don't think it'll come back to you? Absolutely not. No, probably quite right.

Frank can I share what I'm gonna call a rather lovely bit of correspondence with you? It's from one of our regular readers he's called Damien Samuels. Damien says first time I've written into your podcast but Damien's been listening for a long time you, back in the old days. I've been wanting to tell you this for around 10 years Frank but my best friend Paul and I endlessly homage Frank Skagg, a new novel by Beryl Bainbridge, inserting it whenever convenient. It was just a novel by Beryl Bainbridge. It was a novel by Beryl Bainbridge. So if anyone said any sort of phrase like...

Ghost with a condom on. Well it wouldn't be. It would have to be something that could theoretically... Be more esoteric it would be. It would be like... Well we think of something and I'm going to continue reading. I hate dinosaurs. That wouldn't quite work. But then I would say a novel by Beryl Bainbridge. I just saw Beryl Bainbridge as someone who's totally always prolifically making novels.

It was perfect. Anyway. Unfortunately, Paul died in 2014 and when I went to see his memorial statue where his ashes were scattered in Highgate Cemetery, I turned around and right next to him was the grave of Beryl Bainbridge. Oh wow. So in the end, he ended up by Beryl Bainbridge. So in the end he ended up by Beryl Bainbridge. Which he would have loved also not far from eternally hanging out in the

woods George Michael. And he also says he's seen you a few times in real life but I didn't want to disturb you. I by the way you, am a Doctor Who cast alumni. I was Mr. Lloyd in the Empty Child and the Doctor Dances. Oh, wow. Empty Child was my era when I was a teenager. I'm just trying to remember, was Mr. Lloyd one of the patients who got infected with the gas testing? I don't know, but we'll save that for the Doctor Who podcast. Yes.

Damien, thank you so much. I don't know if I'll have time with my new London Street Vendors' Calls podcast. But Frank, I love that email, don't you? That really made my heart happy. It's amazing how you touch the lives of people and don't know anything about it. I mean, I wonder if Father Mark Mary Ames knows that I name checked him on this podcast. That's true. Yeah. And does that ghost know that we're talking about my encounter with him this very

day? Yeah, Charles Corsley's probably listened to this in his house, the ghost of Charles Corsley and think, yeah, I'll think, when are we going to get a condom from? Oh, he wouldn't have it. You see, that's the thing. I wouldn't mind- They've got vending machines in pubs now. That would be difficult for a ghost, wouldn't it? Coins. Does anyone have 20p?

Is that how much a condom is? 20p? No, but he's managed to get enough other... Oh, okay. He doesn't. How does he know? He's not going to get his head around decimalisation. No, that's true. He might be asking for shillings and things. No, I think he died. Or was he post-decimalisation? How does he know? He's not going to get his head around decimalization. That's true. He might be asking for shillings and things.

I think he died. Was he post-decimalization? He died post-decimalization. But he still rejects it. Yeah. I find the undead are very intolerant. You'd want to make sure, sorry we'll stop talking about ghosts, but I just want to make sure if there are any ghosts listening, I only want to make sure if I if there are any ghosts listening

I only want relatively bright ones I don't want a silly ghost. You know what I mean? I want to be able to have a nice conversation with them You want us a weighty thinker? Yeah, I always think of them as fairly brief Moments, you remember that thing? Yeah, very few hauntings last seven hours. But Randall and Hopkirk deceased when they were regular companions. I wouldn't want that. No.

No. That'd be like that. What was that film? Oh, Truly Madly Deeply with Juliet, Stevenson and Anna MacLeod. Musicians came and played in the house and started to rot. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. We don't want any of that.

Enough. Just say what you've got to say and leave. Do what you've got to do. Yep, that's my motto. Oh my goodness. So I got distracted, I was looking up Damien Samuels. I actually think he'd be a very nice friend for you, but more of that later. Okay? Okay. Stop lining me up. I

I watch Britain's Got Talent at the weekend the thing I watched. Did you? Yeah, I was 2007. It was, no I thought it was I still love it I must say but so many people they say what does this What does getting to the final mean to you? It's's got four semi-finals, something I've never heard of before. And they said, and they all say, well, you know, it's my dream, simple as that. It's my dream being here. Being in the final is my dream. And I always think, these people are very blessed.

My dream is that I'm shitting in a shopping centre, completely exposed, with no toilet paper and I don't realise for a while and then I realise I'm utterly, utterly exposed. I mean it's not Martin Luther King speak Honestly, I swear I have a dream that I'm shitting in a shopping center My son will be sitting like in the middle Westfield yeah last night. I had that very dream again, it's a recurring thing. So if I was on Britain's Got Talent and they say, is this your dream? No, actually.

No. And then the next time I was on they'd do a little VT, which they'd recreate me shitting in a shopping centre. Or maybe using AI. Live in the dream. I have a dream. In which I'm shitting in the shopping centre. Does it at least? That's the only one that the redhead got. And later it's like, I'm not doing this one.

But you always get first pick, I know, and I'm not doing it. I do the I had a dream thing, but you, only you do the shitting and pah! She was a bit surly I think, I'd mate her. Does the dream at least fair you? Was she the redhead by the way or the blonde? The blonde. Well she, you know, she's always going to be. She always got first pick.

Yeah but, you know, that's because. Well supposedly she had the best voice but, you know, you know what men are like. Well, I do. Even little mousy Scandinavian ones. Even ghost men. What were you saying? Does the shopping centre at least vary, so different Westfields throughout the country? It does, yeah.

And sometimes, to be honest, they're quite bleak, low-rent regional shopping centres. Oh, yes, yeah. And I always, I remember this one, I walked past quite elaborate Roman baths and I thought wow. And I found the toilet and I got in the toilet and began. Sorry, I just love this bit of the dream when he gets out, I found the toilet. And then I looked to the right of me and it was just people walking past the shop. So you were in bath? Yeah. It's just horrible. You're right, it is horrible. I always wake up alarmed by it.

Is it better or worse for it to be happening in a sort of sumptuous, actually nice shopping street like in Bath, or is it worse to be in one of those run down, regional ones? Oh, it's much worse to be in Bath. I think it's all about being on tour really. I think it's about being publicly exposed and putting out quite a lot of shit. All over the country. In front of people. No one is safe. The phantom shitter.

Oh well. That is my dream. Where does these people dream about being on Britain's Got Talent being successful? Just in case you were in any doubt, that is Frank that is my dream. Where does these people dream about being on British TV? Just in case you were in any doubt, that is Frank Skinner's dream. Please take that out of context. Well they dream about being in the final but not winning. Yeah, but that's what they're dreaming about. I never dream of like I'm winning the Golden Lobes legend or anything like that. No, no, mine is. There's normally a shot.

It's really bubble gum. That's the nature of dreams. Mine is trying to get a train or a flight, but none of the signs make any sense. They're sort of un-illegible. Who was it? Wasn't someone like Mark Twain? So tell me your dream and I will show you the end of a friendship. It was someone like that. It was very extreme. He probably knew someone who had dropped their shit in a shopping centre. He could be totty about that sort of thing. Older Samuel H Clemens, which I believe was his real

name. Oh, did he have a pen name, Frank? Yeah, Mark Twainie. Oh, there you go. It's a great name. Well, that's because it's not his real name. Well, yeah, how did you come up with such a... Well, I mean, you've managed to... You were inspired by your dad's friend on the Domino's team. That's right. It was Frank Skinner. Yeah.

I'm really told princess aunt that. She laughed, didn't she? But they laugh intermittently. I think they're programmed. If you keep talking to them, they laugh every 37 seconds. Sat on a timer. Yeah, exactly. They laugh, shake hands.

I don't imagine for a second they're listening. I imagine in her head there's a perpetual gymkhana. Which just goes round and round like one of those early film carousels. You could have said anything. You could have said to her, last night I dreamt I shat in a shopping centre and she would have gone. She would have laughed and given me an MBE. It's Frank of the Radio, Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio. It's the Frank Skinner podcast, don't you know? Thanks for listening to the podcast.

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