The Frank Skinner Show - Seafood Salesman

Episode Date: July 25, 2025

In this podcast Frank has been to Devon for a stand up gig and stayed in a castle. There's also chat about Mr Cockle, apple juice and the long tongue of a Chihuahua. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's Frank off the radio, featuring him and that Parshladeo, and the one with the French name, from South Africa came. They're all here, open brackets, hooray! Close brackets today. Hi, this is Frank Skinner off the radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via frankofteradio at avalonuk.com. You can WhatsApp us on 7457 417 769. It's nice to hear the 69 done in a completely non-effectual way. Relief for us all. Look, before we start being what we normally do, which is fanning around, I just want to say I was recording a radio for sitcom last night, last night being Tuesday. I don't want to break the fourth wall. I was literally standing next to the curtain waiting to be introduced to go on

and be funny for half an hour and my phone went. I thought, oh shit, I got an alert, I thought, oh shit, I left my phone on. And I looked and Ozzy Osbourne had died. And it was like being punched in the stomach. And I can't really explain why, but it's to do with Birmingham, it's to do with interviewing him, it's to do with being the voice of his audio, but it's to do with loving him. Anyway, I had to go on there and pretend

that nothing had happened. But oh man, it was, I was so sad that we'd lost Ozzy. And then I knew Buzz, my son, would be distraught. So in the interval, I thought this could be a mistake, phoning him. I had to phone him, he was sobbing. He was really sobbing. So yeah, anyone who loves Ozzy and his music will know the feeling, but I felt I had to mention it. He will be missed. I was hoping now he was going to have a long, relaxing retirement with his family who he loves very much, but it didn't happen. But God bless Ozzy Osborne. Any outside world? Well I want to I think it would be appropriate to share something that I think Ozzy himself would have appreciated. Not cocaine. It's what he would have wanted. It won't work, I kind of felt top-tame.

We'd just like to thank everyone at the cartel for sending us and sponsoring the podcast. By the way, before we get on to this, I was asking, was that bat thing an urban myth, Frank, or was it absolutely true? It was... So the thing that I'd always heard and everyone's obviously famously heard is that he bit the head off bats or... Well he was going to, I think the idea he was going to at least pretend to, but then it bit him and then someone had told me he's gonna get rabies and he had an absolute panic thing

and had loads of injections and all that but yeah. In the days when you could use live animals, think Alice Cooper used to just hurl chickens into the audience. Yeah. They didn't know. Because I've known audiences that have been very happy with that, that have been in the oven in 24 hours. At different times. Anyway, we've heard this. Does Frank remember Mr Cockle? He was a regular visitor to pubs in Birmingham and the black country during the 80s. Was it Wicker Baskets selling seafood?

Oh, there was a few of them around. Well, there was, Mr Cockle appears to be one of the most famous. I don't know if you... Let me guess some of the other names. Mr Welk? That was his great, that was the Morial. Mr Winkle? Mr W his great, that was the Moriarty. Mr Winkle? Mr Winkle would be a good name.

No, Mr Winkle. I think Mr Winkle is still in prison. I like the idea of Mr Cockle having some Moriarty type rivalry with Mr Welk. Well I'll tell you about the old Mr Cockle Sifu genre. Can I briefly tell you? Oh no, tell me this. What Mr Cockle used to shout? He used to burst into the pubs carrying a basket of seafood, as you say, shouting.

And I'm going to say this because I think we'd get the full blessing of Ozzy for me to say this. Food poisoning, shark shit. That is what he used to say. Food poisoning, shark shit. There you go. Well, that's what he was calling the people in there. What's your favorite? He likes an adjective.

No, the man that came to us, I used to get kippers every Friday night. I used to buy kippers for Saturday breakfast. I'd vomit three times and then eat kippers and then I'd drink sherry straight out the bottle. Anyway. That's almost borderline aristocratic. I was going to say, that's very close to some of the more abstract diets from California. If you replace the sherry with white wine and the kippers with... I've always felt that the very rich and the very poor eventually meet up, e.g. Brexit.

So yeah, but what was great about, I don't remember him being Mr. Cockle, but maybe it was Mr. Cockle and we just never named him. He might not have introduced himself. It was a whole series of wicker baskets, seafood salesmen that did the pubs. But in the corner, he had all these things like mussels and whelks and stuff. But in the corner, he would have a bottle of vinegar. So when he handed it over, if you're going to eat it in the pub, he'd give you a little squirt, extra squirt of vinegar to finish it off. And you would eat things like winkles with a cocktail stick out of a paper cup that he'd

just vinegared. No, I wouldn't. What was the arrangement with the publican? Did he get a cut of the seafood money? I don't think so. I think he was just glad to have a little bit of extra local colour. Maybe he thought that that would attract customers, that Mr Cockles' smell. As a sort of feature.

Well we had an Irish man who used to collect for a local hospice. And my friend always called him Irwin and then we all called him Irwin. And that went on for years and he never questioned it. And I found that the reason he called him Irwin is because he was named after Irwin Rommel, the famous German, what was he a tanker man? The General yeah. Yeah and it's because he was nice. Because this was an Irish bloke and when anyone put money in the tin he used to say many tanks.

So Rommel on so many levels. Yeah that stock for years that nickname. He just said he never questioned it. I said hello we know how you'd say alright he never questioned it. I'm going to call that the most problematic nickname ever. nickname. He never questioned it. I said, hello, we know how you say, all right, you never questioned it. I'm going to call that the most problematic nickname ever. It was clever. It was clever. That was actually my friend who came up with that, was the one who had, for recent listeners will remember, came in the pub with gravel embedded in his

forehead. Same man. A real renaissance man. Exactly. He also would play Tchaikovsky at two o'clock in the morning really loud and the neighbours were too frightened to complain in case he struck them. You don't want to upset Gravelhead. But again we're back to a very aristocratic thing to do. Blasting classical music to frighten the neighbours. Well you turned that Tchaikovsky down. God I mean if the local residents in Smethie could know that Tchaikovsky was homosexual the whole place would have been burned to the ground. Again we've moved on.

I'm amiss that, we didn't have that North London growing up. Well you miss mob homophobia. Homophobic arson attacks. No, I miss growing up. Oh they're still around. I miss the fact that I never got to experience that sort of salesman essentially in pubs. Yeah, well some of them were selling things that they would come in and say, I've got two tank tops still with the labels on.

And I thought this is an interesting stocking system you use. They may have been stolen is what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. I've been offered meat in a pub. You were well in the old days. Burnt down, etc. Oh, Frank.

Just sort of beef and lamb steaks that I think again had just been stolen. Where was that one? What about that woman who... It's a rap moth. A woman asked me if I wanted to go back to her place in a pub and I said yes. That's a long time ago. What, were there any preamble? Oh yeah, there'd been a preamble.

And then she said, can I just make a phone call? And she said, I thought it was a war, she might have someone waiting there with an axe. And she said, I just found my mum, she said she's happy to join in as well. Sorry, I didn't really see this coming. No, I didn't see that coming. All I could hear was the theme from the Generation game whirling around my head.

But I'll be honest with you, she had to go to the toilet first and I sneaked off. I was too frightened. You fled into the night with a pocket full of kippers. I mean I always used to like it better if you went to theirs because I always think people are much less likely to kill someone in their own home because they've got a clean up. Why do you think people want to kill someone in their own home because they've got to clean up. Why do you think people want to kill you?

Well, you know, but you know, they've got a lot to clean up if they put an axe through you in their house. So she was going to, let me just get this straight, she'd invited you back to have relations with her and her mother. I was single at the time, can I hasten? No, no, there's no... With me and her mother, yeah. You're in a safe place. I mean, nowadays, I'd have just gone for the model. I'd have just said, is your grand still alive?

Unless you got one of those baths. So we can all walk in the bath. We can conger into the bath. I like the idea that you're worried that this story would be scandalous because you weren't single. As opposed to the kind of incestuous pre-Semester. Exactly. I mean that's the least of your worries. I wasn't incestuous. I was in it. No, we know.

The granny had come. Ten minutes of water sports. She never even asked. In fact, she never even knew. Frank, would you stop this? You let me down this path. I did not take you into that pub. You did with Mr Winkle. I did not take you into that pub. You did with Mr Winkle. I didn't take you into that pub.

Oh my Winkle. Van Winkle, I'll try not to. Anyway. I didn't go. The point is I'm not being a big Jack the lad and it was you. I was scared. You hid in the toilet. You fled into the night. No, she went to the toilet.

I just fled. You scarpered. Did you ever feel bad or like you couldn't go back to that pub in case she was there again? No, I felt bad that I'd missed an opportunity to have two generations. All right. All right. One on each arm.

Well, this is what happens. You know, they say you regret what you didn't do. I mean looking back I wish I'd gone. It'd be a better story wouldn't it? Looking back I'm very... We could get a whole podcast out of it. Not with me. I'm very relieved you didn't go back because it's all a little bit Alan Clark.

What if the grandma had been there? It'd be like the cause if they'd lived. What if the grandma had been there? It'd be like the cause if they'd lived. Are we done now on this? Yeah, I don't know how we got to it, but it doesn't matter. You started talking about Winkle. No it was about, oh I don't know what it was about. Okay, anyway we all come away having learnt something new about you today. Well do you remember we were nominated at the Loebs Awards. Did you ever get that?

No, I was just going to say that. Oh sorry. Yeah, I never got Loebs Legend. This is the one they made up just to give me some on the night. But I thought they'd have followed it through. I think they heard me talking about it and were affronted. You'd think they'd have hastily cobbled something together by now. Do you think they were relieved? They heard you talking about it and went, oh well that's

one less job. Yes, we don't have to get it 3D printed. I'm so sorry Frank, you never got your award. I know, I mean it was a bogus award but I still would have put it on the mantle piece. Yeah. I was hurt not to get it. I was, I was pissed. It's a lobe.

Okay, lovely. Can I share something else with you? Yeah. What do you think of this? Eric has got in touch to say, following a comment on a recent episode regarding television programming being made around a program title or presenters name. You mentioned, was it what? Winton Wonderland. Winton Wonderland. There was one, do you remember I suggested years ago when we had a radio show that I went

with Ollie Merce to the Antarctic to build a Catholic Church and it was called Cold Frank Incense and Merce. There's still a chance I could get that off the ground. I think it's too good to get commissioned. It's too good. It promises so much. Yeah, no one will get it probably. I saw in this week's television magazine a show featuring chef James Strawbridge

Well, I haven't heard of him but let's face it, a running out of chef Who visits country houses, learns their histories and cooks a feast for the owners and it's called, can you both guess what it's called? What's his surname? He's called James Strawbridge Oh, is it called Straw? What's his surname? He's called James Strawbridge. Oh is it called Strawbridge across the drawbridge? Almost, Strawbridge over the drawbridge, you got it? He changed his name by Deepol. They could have sounded a lot of time but Rollmote. You

have to fight Rollmote to get across the drawbridge. You'd be like the Billy Galtz-Gross. There is a bail in there but you've got to get past that one. Gazza there in the middle cheering you on. Oh Gazza brought his own food so he didn't cross. No he brought chicken yeah. Yeah a packet of V&H and some cans. And a fishing rod. Nothing to see here.

And I believe he's wearing a dressing gown. Anyway, that aside... Can I change my name to Pierre Shmaskdasker? Oh very good idea. That'll do it. Do you want to hear from another reader of ours? Yeah. Can I ask a clarification question quickly about Strawbridge, who I've never heard of. I like that you're referring to him like someone who went to E Yeah, can I ask a clarification question quickly about straw bridge? I've never heard of I Like that you're referring to like someone who went to eatin can ask a question about a straw bridge. I'll see you know, it's a raw bridge You've been breaking into these houses and so he goes to stately homes and makes their fabulously wealthy owners a big feast He knows you're not just working as a chef. He visits country houses This is all I know he learns their histories and he cooks a feast for the owners. You're right, the owners.

The owners? But where did he come from? Well, that's a big question. It's not John Turowd witness protection, is it? Your new name is Strawbridge. You look familiar, Mr. Strawbridge. Mr. Strawbridge. Mr. Strawbridge. Yeah.

Exactly how controversial will these feasts be? So a lot of these country houses, as we have learned, made their money from owning slaves. Yeah. Oh, God. Lovely Arabian feast for you here. Yes, I think with some of these country houses, it's better for us not to learn their histories and know how they came about those houses. Much less to have a themed dinner based around it.

Boy, it could for me. Anyway, that's Strawbridge over the drawbridge, should you fancy watching it. What channel is that on? We might as well plug it. Channel Plup. What's that? Channel Plup is where they put all the bad shows. I need to find out when Strawbridge over the drawbridge is on because it's on the BBC. Is it? Yes. He's kept a low profile old strawbridge.

He's kept a lower profile than the hunchback of Notre Dame. He cooks some lovely things, seafood chowder with grilled scallops He'd have gone on with mr. Winkle Venison sausage roll. That's what they call Greg Yeah, so you're saying now it's Winkle and Strawbridge. Yeah, exactly. So but those two guys wearing big fake mustaches. Winkle and Strawbridge sounds like the sort of thing you could get at the Fat Doc as a

starter. We are the new hosts. Yeah, exactly. Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute. Look a bit. You know those glasses, false nose and mustache things you get from junk shops. Oh, Greg in a big wig.

I'm waiting for the call from MasterChef. Looking for a host. You'd be a good harsh host for one of the difficult episodes because, in your own words, you don't like food I don't like food never really gonna have to go some to impress me. Yeah some of this shit I've been dealt upon cookery shows in the past and you always say this as well Well, I don't actually use the word. No, you don't say that word, but you do Be great on one of these lovely brunch shows. Do you know what's this shit? No but I have had some nasty stuff. Nasty stuff?

People have, not everyone. Sorry Frank, what do you mean I've had some nasty stuff? We had some bloody pasties on Sunday brunch. Is that the Lovejoy one? Yeah. We had some, I wonder what show they're gonna make out of that name. No we had some pasties and none of us could speak after they were so dry they took all the saliva out of our mouth. I said what did you think what are you

doing there this weekend Frank? I had no saliva left at all. The pasta had taken it all. It is difficult the way they interview you while They had no saliva left at all. The pasta had taken it all. Not pasta, pasty. It is difficult the way they interview you while you've got food in your mouth. I know. I always have a toothpick at the ready. So you can pick your teeth on TV. Otherwise I'm going to be looking at them with a carbohydrate gum shield in. Nobody wants to see that. Anyway I will be watching Strawbridge over the drawbridge because I'm particularly intrigued by his venison sausage roll.

Okay. Okay. I like his farewell series, the final Strawbridge, which is starting soon. He snaps a camel's back and cooks it. He's got a spatchcocked camel. Then he goes to food fairs. Are you going to Strawbridge Fair? Very good.

Strawbridge and cream. Yeah. An expose of the dairy industry. And then the final post cancellation one, Strawbridge feels forever. This episode is sponsored by Shopify. If you've shopped online chances are you've bought from a business powered by Shopify. You know the purple shop pay button you see at checkout? The one that makes buying so incredibly easy? Yeah, that's Shopify. And there's a reason so many businesses sell with it because Shopify makes it incredibly easy to start and run your business.

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button that's used by millions of businesses around the world? It's why Shopify has the best converting checkout on the planet. Your customers already love it. If you want to see less cards being abandoned it's time for you to head over to Shopify. Sign up for your £1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.co.uk slash frank I went to Devon at the weekend. Did you? How was it? I'll tell you what I did on the train. I continued a theme I've been telling you about. Do you remember when I said I spoke to a woman outside the butchers who was selling hot dogs and sausage rolls

and said which do you sell the most of? This was a sequel to me in asking a Wagamama actress what their best selling meal was. Actress, waitress. Did I say actress? Sorry, I'm going to tell you about your time for most actresses. I was going to say- Yeah, it's interchangeable. A slap would have worked. And you can guess the most popular, obviously it's chicken katsu curry.

So this bloke came round with the drinks trolley on the train and he said, would you like a drink or something? I said, I'll have apple juice. He went, oh, apple juice. I said, what's your most, what's your big selling juice? Which one? He said it's nearly all orange juice. Really?

I think, my theory is most people don't know there's any other juices. What do you mean they don't know there's any other juices? They think that fruit juice is orange juice. That's all they've ever heard of. Oh, no, fat. You think they're hiding the apples from the people? No, I think people just juice is orange juice, that's all they've ever heard of. Oh no, fat. You think they're hiding the apples from the people? No, I think people just think, oh yeah, I'll have an orange juice.

Like you would say, you know, I've got a Hoover and it isn't really a Hoover, but that's what you call it. You don't think so? I think most people are familiar with the concept of apple juice. Do you? Yeah. You don't get, trouble is with you, you don't get out enough. But I wish I could retire in that kind of optimism. Some of the crowds

that we've seen. I've led a sheltered life in many ways. Yeah. I think it feels... I've heard of apples, don't get me wrong. Yes, Frank, they've also heard of apple juice. What do you mean? I'm not saying everybody, I'm saying a lot of people. A lot of people haven't heard of apple juice. It's quite an intriguing picture saying to someone, have you heard of apples? You'd think, where's this from? No, they've heard of apples. I'd love to hear what this product is going to be.

If you then said, have you heard of apple juice? There's a reasonable chance they'll say, what do they think of Nick? Anyway, so I too, as well, I realised, I don't know, I might have imagined that these two people were staring at me sitting opposite, because I had the dream scene. It wasn't the mother and daughter, was it? No, oh God. Decades later. Well, I never met the mother.

Furious. I never met the mother. She might be no longer with us, of course. Well, I think it's likely. Yeah. And I presume this was some years ago. It is some years ago, but she might have been a... I wouldn't have been surprised to find that she had a very young mother.

OK. Anyway, it didn't happen. Like I say, it didn't happen. I wouldn't have been surprised to find that she had a very young mother. Okay. Anyway, it didn't happen. Like I say, it didn't happen. Everyone is playing around in the audience. Pics or it didn't happen. So I was reading a well-known comic book called The Death of Superman. I don't know if you remember when it came out. It was quite a big publicity story. I didn't know he died. No, well he died and then he didn't die.

It's a time monitor edition. Oh I hate, they're so dishonest to children these comic books. Yeah. Of course as a Catholic I don't have a problem with it. But I was reading that and I thought why are you staring at me? And then I realised I've got a Superman badge on my thing and I just wondered if they thought oh god this bloke you know he's trying a bit too hard anyway this is my part I was doing a gig I don't know if you've ever have you ever done comedy at the castle Pierre? No. Okay you need to change your you know, to be a nomadietna nassal. Anyway, I was staying in a castle called Powderham Castle. Did you go up into Strawbridge there? No I didn't, but if I was going to make a pun out of Powderham, I don't know, I'd have to point out it's carcinogenic. So I got there and everyone was very friendly and nice and they showed me to my room in the castle, which four posts of bed, a view as I looked down on the arena.

Which castle was it? Powdrum. It's actually called Powdrum. It's called Powdrum. Lovely. And you're determined for a man who hates ghosts to continue to stay in haunted possible Powder room. Oh, it's actually a cool powder room. It's a cool powder room. Lovely. And it... You're determined for a man who hates ghosts to continue to stay in haunted possible buildings. I know.

I thought that when I got there. There were some really old books and stuff, but I thought, oh no. They've put me up in a crypt for the night. Yeah. And then the thing I tried to get down to, because I could see comedians talking in the backstage area before the show and I thought oh that reminds me of the days when other comedians liked me. Why didn't they like you anymore?

Well because they'll forgive you anything except success. Is that true? Oh yeah fair enough. So I started to make my way down and suddenly there was a dog barking. The ghost of a dog. I thought I don't know where I am now, which is not an uncommon experience. And then a young woman came out looking like shocked and I seemed to be in her living quarters and I don't know, I just took the wrong stairway.

Oh Frank. And walked into this room and I said, oh I'm really sorry I'm really sorry I'm looking for the way down to the to where the show is and she said I am from Ukraine and I thought well I don't know what to do with her. Is she saying so this is nothing to me you know in as intrusion goes. Yeah. at me, you know, as intrusion goes. But I couldn't work, I said, oh, sorry, sorry. So I couldn't explain to her where I wanted to go. The dog was going absolutely chihuahua. It was going absolutely ballistic.

I don't associate a chihuahua with a cart stately home. Well, this was, it was the Ukrainian ladies thing. So I went back up and then I thought, I don't know, I'm going to get to the gig. I could see the gig from my window. You were like a sort of brooding specter at the window, looking down at the... Yeah, please, do you have to keep on about that? Because a couple of times, it was a bit where the comedians were saying, oh yeah, I forget where they were staying, but it was like the premiere in down the road. They said, where

are you staying? I said, there, pointing at this big ornate balcony in the castle. But every time I did it, I expected a spectral face at the window wiping the smile off my face. Yeah, also it was an outdoor gig, which my ever efficient live team hadn't mentioned to me. A lovely surprise for you. I'm going to freeze my arse off. What were you wearing? Well, I was going to wear, because it was, you know, I thought it'd be a hot light. What did you have? Doctor Who t-shirt, sandals?

I just had a shirt, like a short sleeve shirt. No trousers. I thought I'm going to freeze. Yeah, I was doing it as Top Cat. You were doing a Donald Duck. Did you have a short sleeve shirt or you went coach driver? Yeah I did. I didn't got pens in the pocket. But I thought I'll be frozen you know. So what I had to do, I had to wear the shirt, the t-shirt I sleep in. I've been sleeping in it for about five nights. I had to go on stage with the t-shirt I was sleeping in. I'd been sleeping in it for about five nights. I had to go on stage with that under my shirt

to stop me freezing. Oh, disgusting. Well, anyway, so this is, eventually. Didn't the audience's laughter and warmth make you feel? Well, I hadn't got down there yet. Oh, okay. So then I bumped into Ian, the caretaker, and he said, oh, I'll show you that. And so I bumped into Ian, the caretaker, and he said,

oh, I'll show you that. And so I went down with him and we got in and I went and did, I talked to the comics, they pretended to like me. And I did the gig and it was all right. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy because you go into those scenarios thinking, oh, they don't like me and you get what you deserve. They were nice, you know. So also I did think when I came off the organizer who again was very nice said to me, so when's the last time you actually did a gig? And I thought reviews

come in many forms. Yeah. When's the last time? I don't know, he might have just been being inquisitive at the point. Talking a bit dangerous of Wessex again. What? Not Wessex, what's her name? Sophie. Oh god, yes.

So anyway, I was glad of him later because when I went back to the castle, of course I couldn't find my way back in. It was totally dark by now. I took my photos, you know my photos I take. So if I'm going somewhere I turn round at every door and turn and turning and take a photo of it. So when I walk back I've got those photos on my phone. No actually I didn't know about the photos you take. Oh look, well I'll... How did you know about this Pierre?

I've seen it done on tour. I didn't realise it was a continuous... Can you just talk me through how it works again? So let me show you. Look, you see that photo, that's the stairs I have to walk up. So what, Frank... That's the archway I have to turn through. It's like Theseus and the Minotaur. That's the door I have to go through. So just to explain to anyone, listen, Pierre, you're very good at summarizing things.

Will you just take a look at what are these photos? It's sort of a stream of photos and it's just pictures of a wall with a banister. Yeah, just a wall with a banister or some stairs and a doorway. It's breadcrumbs, visual breadcrumbs. It is visual breadcrumbs. To lead you back to your... But they were all taken in daylight. When I was going back it was pitch black. So I had to phone the man who'd asked me the last time I'd...

Oh God, sorry that's my phone. Was the Doctor Who right? Oh God, it's my agent. I might have to take this. Yeah, go on. Do it live on air. No, I don't want to do that. You might well be offloading me. It's only a matter of time. I don't think we should put that out. It's going to dampen people's faith in the product.

From what you've said, other comedians would be delighted to hear that. Well, yeah. Honestly, that's the first time he's called me in about a year. A little bit of behind the scenes info for you there. I think that could well be him saying look at the things aren't really working out. Frank you always say this. I'm not joking it's imminent. It's not. Anyway, yeah, so I called the man who... I'd love that he was ringing to tell you that in the middle of you recording a podcast. Well, of course he wouldn't know. He probably doesn't know I do a podcast. Oh, poor John.

He loves you so dearly. Yeah. Anyway. So it was dark. Yeah, it was dark. I couldn't find... So I phoned the guy who'd asked me the last time. You should have taken a lot of pictures of nothing, of just blackness.

Yeah. Then you would have found your way back. So the nice man who'd asked me the last time I did a gig, I called him and he had to come back and show me where the doors were. You couldn't find your way back. I couldn't find my way to my room. I didn't want to walk in on the Ukrainian woman again. Otherwise she'd be a bit suspicious.

Anyway, I finally got into my four poster at quarter past 12. I'm going to play you. This is what happened next. That's 5am. Oh wow. So that was the fire alarm. Oh my god. So then I went down, I could see a fire engine struggling to get through the archway of the castle. I thought that's reassuring. It's like you know when you know when you park on the wrong side at

a petrol thing and you realize your petrol caps on the other side I thought do you think the hose will be able to bring it through the archway? Stick it in the moat. Oh we could have done with Strawbridge. Stick what we needed, stick it in the row that's a good idea. So there was firemen all over the place. I went downstairs, the Ukrainian lady was there with her dog. Ian. I'm loving that she'll just forever be the Ukrainian lady. I love her.

She told me the dog's name, but I never got hers. But Ian, who looked after the place, he was there. And I had absolutely, he seemed very competent. Then his phone went and the ringtone was the Monty Python theme. And I thought, he's out of touch. Oh, says the man with Doctor Who on his... Oh, you're right. I don't know if you need to really have your finger on the cultural pulse

if you're the caretaker of a remote castle. The trouble is he's not very... You've got to be a real happening cat to run the thing. I don't want to burn to the sounds of da da da da da da da da da da da da. But I do love the idea that the trouble with Ian is he's just not very sort of tick-tock literate. He's not very with it. I said, is there an actual fire? And he said, well, we don't know yet. I said, the competition winner is still in her room.

Isn't that awful? No one cares about the competition winner. So the competition winner, a woman had won two nights at the castle on local radio. Oh God. Maybe it was the mother. She's low-carb. She'd stayed in her room. Well, she'd just stayed in her room. That was the mother. No, and she stayed in her room. Well, she just stayed in her room. No one came and got me.

It's not like the old days. She just thought it was some sort of castle alarm. In the old days, I'd have had people from Avalon, my management, arriving by helicopter, but now letting them go. But nevertheless, the fact that Ian actually said the competition winner is still in her room, I didn't rush to go and rescue her. No, well at that point we couldn't smell burning or anything of that nature. Oh, what a relief. The alarm went on for an hour.

Did it? Yeah, so it was a shock. What set it off? Some problem with the alarm, but a man came to do it and apologized to me. Some man called Strawbridge knocking her out. But he came in, I was starving. By now it's 6am and the Ukraine lady gave me a... They call her Ukraine lady. The Ukraine lady gave me...

She gave me a scone. 6am. 7am. Where did she get the scone from? We were like in a kitchen thing. Then she gave me cream and jam and I thought if there's an argument to hear about which goes up first, I am going to just walk off into the night. And the good news is we know you'll find your way back easily. Oh well of course. Big picture of a fire.

Well by now it was getting light by this day. I just can't believe those pictures that you have. I needed that fire when I was trying to find my way back to the castle. Anyway, the organizer guy called me when I was on the train on the way back and said did everything, did you have a nice night? Because I'd expressed to them I was worried about ghosts. And he said, did you see any ghosts? Did you have a nice night? And I said, well, the fire alarm went off at five. Yeah. And he texted back, well, I'll be someone to talk about on the podcast. He wasn't wrong. He wasn't. Did he say that

there hasn't been a Ukrainian lady living there for over a few years? Oh God, Grave Friars Bobby the Chihuahua. He would go to the graveyard every day and bark at his owner's grave. Well, I don't know if he could, he had a big long tongue. Did they all have long tongues? What, the Chihuahuas? Yeah, very long tongues. Are you sure that was a Chihuahua? Well, it was either a Chihuahua or a stair

carpet going into a pajama case. Anyway, before we go, before we go, I have to say something. The next episode of Frank Skinner's Radio Days is out tomorrow. That's Saturday morning. Ah, just like the old days. The best bits are still from 2009 and the texting on this one is, questions for the world's tallest man he's never been asked before. What's the capital of North Dakota? Probably one of them. It's Frank of the Radio, Frank of the Radio, Frank off the radio, it's the Frank Skinner podcast don't you know.

Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch you can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at avalonuk.com.