The Frank Skinner Show - Space Crocodiles

Episode Date: March 10, 2025

Frank has been to see Steven Wilson and we have more soundtracked activities that you've sent in. And you may never see Santa's sleigh in the same way... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I've got this condition where I don't feel pain. You're a superhero. If this is how intense Nova Kane sounds, imagine how it looks. Sam Orr? Yeah, big time. Nova Kane, forming theaters March 14th. With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff.

And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with Fizz. Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at Fizz.ca. It's Frank off the radio, featuring him and that Parsh radio, and the one with the French name. From South Africa came, they're all here, open brackets, hooray! Close brackets today. Hello, this is Frank off the radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram.

You can email the podcast via Frank off the radio at avalonuk.com. You can WhatsApp us on 47457 417 769. That's the Nick Grimshaw. There's slightly Johnny Vegas. Well see, it's a fine line. They both give me a sore throat. I can watch Johnny Vegas for 10 minutes and then my throat starts hurting. You need a fisherman's friend, don't you? Yeah, I've worked with them actually. I could watch Johnny Vegas for 10 minutes and then my throat starts hurting. You've got that. True. You need a fisherman's friend, don't you, with him? Yeah. I've worked with them, actually.

What, the fisherman's friends? I was on the same bit once, the fisherman's friend group. Oh, okay. Do you know them? No. No. I'm only familiar with the suites. Anyway.

I don't think they're working anymore, the suites. Oh, God. I don't think they're working anymore, the sweet. I walk back, do you ever see anything in the charity shop window and think, oh, I quite like that. I walk back, go on Pierre. Only books, because unless an enormous man has died. All right, Mr. Brain's intellectual over here. Well, I just can't get any shoes or clothes from normal shops, nevermind charity shops.

Big mad, Darry. As we say, when the crime's taking them through the roof. That's when I strike. Yeah, exactly. And why don't I clear the area before you go underneath? You need the cherry picker. Yeah, when I see a documentary crew filming, I go, here we go, I can get some trousers.

You know, I think sometimes, depending on the area... Sometimes when we talk... It's disgusting, don't sing that to me. In your area, which is a nice area, I imagine you get a really good level of item in your charity shops, am I right? Yeah, I mean, I'd usually just buy books books but one I saw in the window of the one at the bottom of my road today was the boyhood of Sir Walter Raleigh which is a painting, do you know it? Yes I am familiar with it. It's a painting of two boys and talking to an old man. You could then. And he's pointing out off over the horizon.

Are they always pointing in the paintings? No, he's pointing out like, and it's like saying, you know, it's all out there for you kids. I'm an old man now. I did it when I was watching the Brits. I did it a few times. You pointed at a bunch of see-through clothes on a rack. All there for you. We can all have it. I don't have any see-through clothes. I've got to be straight with you. You don't have any Tognolli shirts, do you? No, I don't. He's still got a good bod though. He was a dancer and all that, wasn't he?

Oh, he looked great. He was in the Bitches that, wasn't he? Oh, he looked great. He was in the Bitches Bat video. In sort of bondage gear, dancing. Are you sure that was that video or was that some funny tape you watched? No, honestly, that was Tognolli's golden moment, I think. He's had a few. Like the time when he showed me his vest at that. We went to some opening night and he dropped his cigarette case,

his silver cigarette case, and the cigarettes went all over the floor. Like a clue from a Sherlock Holmes story. This must be where he dropped his cigarette case. But I knew a headmaster who used to have that painting on his wall, and he used to say that's really what teaching is about. It's pointing out to the horizon to these children. Oh it's very campy, yes I like it.

That's what teaching is about, raising these boys to steal from a Spanish, to defend the coast. Yeah and then your wives will carry their heads in a bag for about three years. That's teaching. Enjoy your life my boy. I should say that's what happened to Walter Raleigh. You know when a bloke's involved in a sexual scandal and the one says she'll stand by him, Walter Raleigh's wife, even after he was beheaded, still literally stood by him.

So you saw this painting? In a tote, an early tote. Did you buy the painting, Frank? No, I only saw it as I was heading here. I thought I'd have to bring it into Spiritland and they might throw me out if there's anything that's old masters. They don't want old masters in here. The only old masters we're interested in are old jazz and blues old masters we listen to.

Oh God, if I turned up with Dave Brubeck under my arm, I'd probably get free drinks. They'd be all over you like a cheap suit. They would. I'd like that if you came in with a painting, they'd be like, hey, no visual media. Yeah, exactly. Audio only. Excuse me, sir. I mean, I'm sorry, but is that the boyhood of Sir Walter Raleigh? We don't, we do not have it. Unless you were going to slap the frame to create a drum effect.

Everything's got to have a musical theme here. Yes. We were talking, weren't we, about how people had sent in loads of songs that you do when you're doing things. And I'd like to return to these because they're of such decent quality. No, I haven't heard them yet so I'm keen to hear them. So just to remind everyone, your example of this Frank was? My example was, this is quite, I met Ralph McTel recently and I explained to him that every time I go up or down a spiral staircase I sing Ralph McTel's I'm going up a spiral staircase I'm gonna read to the top. Our readers do the same and he said to me what do you do when you walk the streets of London? I said no I just walk.

Let me take you by the hand and 957. Again you can't do that anymore imagine that. In the streets of London say let me talk you by the hand. No. Well you can, so I'll show you something. Yeah but what if you're in an amusement arcade hearing masses from me. So 957 Frank has got in touch. Hi all, I'm a postman and every time I walk up Mr Michael Dancer's path with his post, I sing, hold me closer Michael Dancer. I'd love it if you got caught doing that. 957, I hope you get caught by Michael Dancer. But I'll tell you what it becomes. It becomes a thing that you think, if I don't do it, something will happen. Yes, there's a sort of causative.

Like this is not exactly an example of this, but whenever I must have told you, whenever I drive or I don't do it now, whenever I drove past Billing aquedrome, the sign on the- What's Billing aquedrome? Billing aquedrome, there's a sign for it. I haven't been there. Let's start again. What's Billing? He was at the Brits.

Billing is a place. Billy Aquadrome. Yeah. Billing Aquadrome is a sort of water park. Oh, is it? And I haven't been, but I used to drive past the brown sign. Oh, the brown sign. Like, Gulliver's Kingdom.

Like, Alligator, was it Alligator World or something? No. Monkey World. Crocodiles of the World. No, Crocodiles of the World. Don't you know that? Crocodiles of the World. How can I always pass that? I've been there, though. He's been to Crocodiles of the World. No, Crocodiles of the World, don't you know that? How can I always pass that? I've been there though.

He's been to Crocodiles of the World. People held up rats above the water by their tails and crocodiles just jumped up and took them out the air. Just say this isn't the UK, you know. I don't think it's Crocodiles of the World. It is, trust me. And where is it it Frank Midlands? Because I have a few times there sang, crocodiles of the world unite, you alone know what it's like. How many crocodiles are there?

Oh, do you think I counted them? Yeah, I would have. Surely the world is crocodiles. Is it one pond? No, there's louse and there's alligators. Really? Are they wandering around though in Chicago? How do you know that?

No, they're not wandering around there's alligators. Really? Are they wandering around though in Chicago? How do you know? No, they're not wandering around. You don't get to meet them. They're alligators. I think they'd resent that allegation. Oh my God. Surely crocodiles of the world is just, oh crocodiles from all over the world, Africa, Australia. Yeah, all the crocodiles. There was a massive crocodile there. I mean you probably couldn't get it in this, do you? Crocodiles of the world as opposed to what? Crocodiles of the

stars! Space crocodile! That I would go to. Crocodiles in space, I'm up for that. But, oh I've got a space story I'll tell you in a minute. So there's one crocodile, a massive one, and he stays underwater for up to two hours at a time. What? What, this isn't Crocodiles of the World? Yeah. Where else?

Where else? Sorry, as I call it. Well, Legoland. C-O-T-W, as I call it. Is this a cowt? It's Cot cotwort actually. And also to be fair there's some giant tortoises there as well. I like to be fair. Yeah, absolute interest apparently. Basking into the reflected glory of the crocodile. I'm sorry, I'd be so disappointed Frank. If

I came to see crocodiles of the world, I'd say, crocodiles are sleeping under the water today, but we have got some tortoises for you. We've got a bunch of slow vegetarians for you to look at. The crocodiles of the world are always available, as indeed the alligators of the world, even though they get no billing. How do they not? I like billing aquadrome.

I haven't told you billing aquadrome yet. Okay, tell me. Or should it be aquadrome billing? Yeah. That when I drove, if I was in a relationship, I haven't told you Billing AquaDrop yet. Okay, tell me. Or should it be AquaDrop and Billing? When I drove, if I was in a relationship I felt was going well, when I drove past that sign I would always go, Billing, Billing, AquaDrop, on my own, other people in the car, whatever. It's sort of reversed, is if I didn't sing it, that was sometimes the first time

I'd realized that the relationship was... It was like relationship litmus paper, the brown billing aqua drum sign. So if you found yourself not singing it... Then I thought, oh no. I realized I didn't have the confidence to sing it. You didn't feel comfortable enough. So I knew something was going wrong. Okay, well Eddie in Edinburgh has got in touch. That's handy, isn't it? Hi, Frankengang. Reel was singing a certain song from a specific trigger. If I ever see someone drop litter, I sing to myself or to companions if present the words socially irresponsible to the tune of Robert Palmer's Simply Irresistible.

This habit dates back to, I like the judgement in that as well, this dates back to an impromptu moment of inspiration that happened on my wife and I's first date 23 years ago and he's still doing it 23 years later. Now they last forever these things. They won't stop. A good one from the... signed off for the email contained the phrase the man with a corduroy heart. Oh, that sounds like a nice friend for you Frank. Yeah. Don't you think? Ooh, from now every time he calls it I'm gonna going to go, the man with the corduroy heart. I love him. Very good name.

He says, whenever I go into the garden to clear up the dog dirt, I have to sing No Diggedy. Oh yeah. Do you know that song? No. Like the way you work it, no diggedy. So he sings, well he sings, I like the way you work it, poo pickety, gotta bag it up. Which is good. Very nice.

And I'd also like to show this from Gary Brown from Newmarket. Long time first, etc. And I love that opener. He's just getting cutting straight to the chase. Writing about songs I associate with activities, every time I'm in a lift, as the doors close, I start singing, we're going up, we're going down, we're going up, down, down, down, up, anyway you want me to. Yeah.

A song by... Elvis Presley. ...called Baby. Is it called What You Want Me To Do? Baby, what you want me to do, yeah. And if I'm on my own, there may be a little air guitar to accompany it. Mmm. I like that.

I tell you what I wouldn't mind hearing from people. Go on. Do you have these television programs I feel I'm really familiar with? Yes. I've never watched because they're always on the listings when I look through the listings. Yes. I'm thinking particularly of Dr. Pimple Popper. What? Which seems to be constantly

on. Have you watched it ever? No. I've seen the, back when it was just a YouTube show. Yeah. And I always say to Boz or Boz says to me, do you think that's all it is? Is it just people popping pimples? Is it a doctor, the man? But you've never... It's called Dr. Pimple Popper. Yeah, but we can't trust doctors. Now Dr. Pepper, is that a doctor? Dr. Pimple Popper. Dr. Pimple Popper's got a PhD in philosophy. The workings of Karl Popper. Yeah, this is a brother of Karl Popper. Dr. Pimple Popper. You might have heard of my brother.

Yeah. But it's disgusting. These are not any mortal pimples. These are some impressive specimens So these things that you watch you mean things that you constantly see popping up, but you've never actually watched Yes, okay that being an example. Okay, dr. Pimple popper. I think also the sequels pussy boots On the subject of TV I have this Michael from Bethnal Green. Hi Frank and Co, I'm messaging you because I wish to out myself as a member of a very exclusive club. I was in the studio

audience of episode one of series one and episode one of series two. This is going to be Shane isn't it? Of Shane. Oh my goodness. Just to make myself sound even more of a rare individual. So it did happen series 2. I actually preferred the first episode of series 2. I thought it was a step up series 2. I loved them both but praise redacted. In case you don't know series 2 was made, it was written, it was filmed, edited, dubbed and never shown.

I'm still blown away by that. What did your manager say when he wronged you? Do you remember the phone call? Do you remember where you were? Did he not ring you? He's nowhere. He hates failure. He covered it up.

What did he do? Did he just not tell you? When I did The Brit, I did the Brit and it was in the papers saying, oh, he did a lousy job and all that. I didn't hear from my manager for a week. Oh, Frank, I'm sure he tried to call you. No, he can't do the Ellie Echols like, I am in Nara. He just wants to leave you to process it.

He thinks failure is contagious. He's frightened of it. Don't get me wrong, I love him. As long as things are going well. I heard from him in 2005 last time. I'm told he's very well. Did you never see series two of Shane? Or did you get an access?

I saw it. No one's seen series two of Shane except Michael from Bethnal Green. I added, you know, I did the edit and I was in the edit and stuff and they sent me the things. Yeah. I've got it. I own it. Oh, I didn't know you owned it.

We should be a watching it. Private screening. Yeah. Well, I don't know if using it as coasters for eight years might damage the quality. Has Kath seen it? No, I don't think so. Really? Gosh.

There was some great stuff in it. I bet it was good, Frank. Well, let's not go as far as to say that. We discussed last time. Sorry, is there any more from... Well no, there was just something from... I was going to shift the topic a bit. Oh sorry, I thought there was another... No, I was just going to say Scott has got in touch. Do you remember you were talking about...

What? Of the Antarctic? Well I'm hoping so. Have those beans still alright to eat? I've always wanted to go there. Do you think he was handsome, Scott of the Antarctic? What did he look like? Well I only know him really as John Mills in the film. So I don't know what the real Scott was like.

Oh he was handsome, that bodes well. You know the ice covered beards of those guys? That's their favourite photo op. I love an icy beard. I think some of them. So what I'll do is I'll get my beard wet, go outside for an hour, come out with the camera, don't leave me hanging out there. On the expedition they had a very camp sort of publicist guy. Right everyone, icy beards day. Come on, spill some water. Where's hoats? You can't change your shirt now, that'll be fine, just leave it as it is.

The cape is fine. Right, hold up the dog meat. But they didn't eat the dogs, did they? Did they not? I thought it was Roald Amundsen who ate the dogs. Oh yes, the Norwegians. The British, being a nation of dog lovers, didn't and so they all starved to death. We'd rather perish.

I would rather perish. I spoke to someone who'd driven a dog sled. Oh really? What did they say it was like? They said the smell of dog shit rising up from the dogs because they don't stop. When they excrete they just excrete. They keep running. It just rises backwards.

It goes on the rails. Do they poo? All over the reins, all over the reins, all over the harnesses on the other dogs. I'd want a windshield, yeah. They just poo constantly. You're basically just driving a sort of a... Poo-powered sleigh. ...carnival of shit.

That's always left off the Christmas postcard, isn't it father Christmas scraping Well, that's not burglars It's the right tip. I saw mommy washing Santa Claus. Oh, come on. Yeah, now that's one of the disadvantages. Walk with us. It's advantageous. laugh with us, smile, joke, and bring each other joy. Come, walk with us, Indigenous Tourism Alberta. Want to own part of the airline you flew with on your last vacation? Or part of the company that makes your favorite triple shot latte with extra foam? What about owning part of a company

that one day could send you on a tour of outer space? Now you can. With Partial Shares from TD Direct Investing, you can own part of your favorite companies. Just pick a stock and decide how much to spend on the share. It's a piece of cake. Learn more at td.com slash partial shares. TD, ready for you

do you remember brad he took still lost it do you remember you were talking about a shop called affle afflex is afflex that is where the anti-gingerman had a store this is correct i just want to say we've had a lot of people getting in touch, horrified and also a lot of redheads listening to the show. For example Scott, hello lovelies, I like Scott. I think Scott might definitely have worked as a stage manager at some point and I hope so. Hello lovelies, as a proud ginger and fellow nerd, can I just send my solidarity to Buzz? No gingers? What, not even Chewbacca? What's the play here? Are we going to placard or is it time for the old dog mess through the letter box? Let us know Frank, all the best Scott.

Well I'm hoping, it's on my Christmas list. He's joking, it's worse. I actually did that. He's making a list. He's trying to make sure it's covered in shite. Santa Claus is coming. Rudolph with your stream of shite. Will you soil my sleet? Funnily enough, last Christmas, in December, the NHS contacted me and said, would you like a free bell cancer test? I said, sure, bring it on. And I remember walking to the post box with an envelope

And put it in the box and said to myself Merry Christmas You've been very bad this year Merry Christmas, I wrapped it up and send it We've got to stop talking about this because it's all we'll talk about. Is there anything else you would like to share from the outside world, Pierre? Well, so we discussed Vintage Cash Cows last episode and a few podcasts ago we were talking about the daytime TV, the funeral adverts. Yeah. I just don't want to be a bad in.

Oh, yeah. Things like that. So John Malloy got in touch. Hi, Frank, Emily, and Pierre. The podcast where you had chat about afternoon funeral adverts was right up my alley. When they are on, I turn to the wife and say, these pensioners just can't wait to pop their clothes.

The fellow sitting in the bath is practically willing the Grim Reaper to visit that night, but only once his missus has made the phone call and it's all legally binding, so the ungrateful Grand Dweens can get the inheritance. They could just use the bath he's in as a makeshift coffin to sweep the whole thing along. All the best, John. And I know what he means.

There is an almost wistful attitude to some of this. Because you're selling death, you have to talk it up a bit. Yes. Well I think that, and what they're appealing to is the idea that you'll be responsible and won't want to leave other people a mess to deal with. Well there's no reference. It doesn't bother me at all, I'm dead, I don't care. Sorry if there's a mess, but you did nicely out of me and my life.

There's never any reference to the afterlife, I notice. Yeah. What were you hoping for, Frank? No one says, you know, I shall, shall I fry on Satan's griddle to their wife as they sit at the table. Oh no, darling. Most people don't ever say that in their whole life, Frank. That's why. I say it most days. I would love to see one of those adverts where as someone looks wistfully on a load of mantelpiece

pictures, always picking them up and looking and sighing, the voiceover says, when I'm on Satan's griddle, my one comfort will be knowing that I've taken care of everything. Those close to me are looked after. When I'm being tortured in a lake, half of ice, half of fire. Whatever nefarious things Beelzebub has planned for me. Dante-esque level of detail as the effort goes on. When I've got a small trident, my anus, I shall look back, I bet you will, and say, can you stop, you demons, give us five minutes.

Oh God. Oh my, oh my. Can I tell you something that happened to me this week? Sure. I went, you know I like a bit of space and I like a bit of music. And my partner is a very, very, very big fan of Stephen Wilson. Are you aware of his work? No.

He is, he has a, he's like a massive cult musician. He's not the guy on YouTube she showed me. Oh no, that's a weird guitarist. She does show it, no he's not. No, no, that's Steve Tereberry. No, it's not like that. Who's Steve Tereberry? You need to Google it. It's the best thing I've ever seen.

Oh man, I've seen so much Steve T. I've seen so much Steve T. It's a man playing the guitar. But he's got all sorts of issues, which he talks openly about whilst playing Black Sabbath riffs. Yeah, yeah. Right, okay. Anyway, he gives things. Anyway, Stephen Wilson is not that.

He's the sort of, I remember I was back in Birmingham a few years ago and I found a guy I hadn't seen since we worked together when we were teenagers. And I said, do you fancy meeting up? And he said, he still lived with his mom and dad. He'd never moved out. he talked about it forever, but stayed, and he said to me, why don't you come around mine and we can listen to some music?

And I said, please, just say to that, that to me when I was 14. But now, if 14 year olds are saying that, they might well be listening to Stephen Wilson, that's what I mean, it's that kind of. So anyway, we went there, and he's written an album but he's also... a film comes with he with a lot of animation and film techniques that I don't have a name for. But it's like a sort of journey through space, right? So cats like be aside herself excited and

The crowd Get this the crowd were attentive They didn't talk People didn't seem to be I found it really on nerve in hmm because I should tell you about this. It was focused. At some point, I'll tell you about when I went to see Captain America Brave New World. Oh no. And I just went to a normal commercial cinema. I remember looking in the row in front of me at the end

where there's like 12 school kids sat in front. And literally the popcorn was like four corns high it was ankle deep anyway this crowd they were just focused on the music it was kind of pretty intense and the last time I'd what the first time I went to, is at the IMAX, you know what I mean? Oh yeah. There was a thing called Undersea World or something, and it was at 3D, and I actually did that thing of trying to catch the fish, because they looked-

Oh that's a bit embarrassing, Frank. Yeah, they looked like they were right in front of my face. I would have been so embarrassed. I literally, right? Oh no, that's awful that you did that. Like the guy in the advert. I've seen that in those virtual reality things. Oh man.

And I've seen people like reach it. Or I had that once when you went on something and there was like a roller coaster kind of like, and what's it called? A simulation. It's a simulated ride, isn't it? Yeah. And there was a woman going, no! Like really screaming loudly.

Was it down the disused mineshaft? Yes. Yeah, always. Always. And she was going, no, stop it, no! I thought, oh my god, this is so embarrassing. It's not even real, you idiot. Well, I got motion sickness on one of those.

As I said, it's not even real. Anyway. So anyway, I also saw a soft porn film called Sex in 3D. Yeah. Are you joking? No. Why are you telling me? That's disgusting. This was a long time ago. I also saw a soft porn film called Sex in 3D. Yeah? Are you joking? No. Why are you telling me that? It's disgusting.

This is a long time ago. I don't care when it was. I worked with them. In a cinema. We were drunk, yeah, we were very drunk. There's a bit where a parrot flies at the screen, and they used to do that to show the 3D. My mate for years insisted that he'd seen it go up the

island guy at the double doors. Is this a metaphor? And I remember him looking back as well there's all these people in white cardboard glasses and we had this one of these laughing fits, you know those laughing fits when you can't breathe a bit like we had during the sound shit covered sound yeah we had one absolute anyway this is beside the point so it's this incredible space film with I must say brilliant music and it was like 48 minutes it felt like it lasted about 10 yeah which is always a good sign yeah was it you and Kath that went? You know that, yeah, you know Graham Green, the novelist, went to see Padre Pio preach and he thought it had lasted about 10 minutes and when he got out he'd been in there two

and a half hours. God, wow. Right? So anyway, they did the film and then they had two astrophysicists and Stephen Wilson and the guy who'd done the visuals interviewed and they were talking about, did you know there was a thing called the, they're building a thing called the ELT? A viewer of it. No, what is that? You know, George Rull Bank? Do you know there was a thing called the, they're building a thing called the ELT? Have you heard of that? No, what is that?

You know George Rulbank? Oh, there we go. Remember that? Yes. Well, you don't know, but you do know. Well, I do now. Well, the ELT is a massive version of that. It's going to be the biggest telescope on the planet.

I can guess what it is. Can you guess? What's it called? Is it the Extra Large Telescope? No, it's the Extremely Large Telescope. on the planet. I can guess what it is. Can you guess? What's it called? Is it the extra-large telescope? No, it's the extremely large telescope. It will replace the previous, the current largest telescope, which is called the VLT, which is the very large.

So above VLT would be the FLT. But I tell you, yeah, exactly. Large telescope. Yeah. I don't really... It was very cosmic, as. Large telescope. Yeah. So there was, I mean, I don't really, it was very cosmic as you can imagine. Like someone said, where big is the universe? And he said, well, we're still seeing, it's still coming to us. The light. Who says that? The astrophysicist. The light from the end of the universe hasn't reached us yet. So we don't know how big it is and that's quite a thing to take on. Yeah.

What were they wearing, the astrophysicist? Spacesuits. No they weren't. I love the way they dressed though, it's quite cool. They were just nude like at the Brits or at the Grammys. Really sexy naked physicists. I mean one of the physicists was very cool. No that's what I mean. I like they are, yeah.

I haven't got the words nowadays. Stylish, trendy. He had it going on. She, I mean she. Oh, look how she. Sexist. Hang on. Sexist.

I thought you said it was an astrophysicist. Yeah. Why was a lady masquerading up there? It's a man's work. I thought he was suggested. Back to the kitchen. I thought you were suggesting there's like a female name for it, like Osharet or something. Astrophysicet. Yes.

You haven't got the hands for it love. You haven't got the upper body strength for physics. It was a great night and the only thing with that sort of space science, do you know if you've done that thing when you hold your finger out in front of you and you bring it closer and closer and you try to focus on it. As you get close, your eyes just give up and say, that's what my brain does when people talk about stuff like the end of the universe. Anyway, I was leaving and this woman came up to me and said, which Stephen had liked to say hello. So I said, okay.

So now Kath is thinking, yeah, Kath is really excited. And I was excited having just seen this thing. So we went over and I said, how you doing? And sat down and all that. And he said, I'm doing a gig at the play. Do you want to be my supporter? I love that. Oh.

And I thought what I didn't expect here was a job offer. What did you say? Well, I said, yes. Kath must be pleased. Yeah, well, I couldn't say no or Kath would leave me. Very 80s stand-up thing to have a stand up opening for a music. Is it? Well, I've got, the last time I did it, I think was Lloyd Cole and the commotions in

about 1989. I was going to say, when was that? Yeah, exactly. Went pretty well. It was suggested to me that this could be a tough gig because his audience really just want Stephen Wilson. They don't want anything else. But you know it's alright but it was just so do you want to do it and I said yes and it was done.

Isn't that lovely? Like when you know when you know the big Queen Victoria statue that's opposite Buckingham Palace you know the one. I'm very familiar with it. When it was unveiled, you know, its original unveiling, the bloke was there, he's called Brock I think, the sculptor, and George V liked, when the cloth came off, he liked the statue of Queen Victoria so much, he took his sword out and knighted the sculptor. I don't think the cloth that hit the ground. So it was a bit like that. That's great. How you doing? Do you want to do a gig with me at the Palladium? Okay. I tell you what, I know people are obviously very polite and nice around the king.

Yeah. Are you talking about Frank? That's what he calls Stephen Wilson. Yeah. Well, like King Charles, all he'd have to do is to do that once and he'd get an even better level of service. Yeah. Do you know what? From everywhere. Imagine when Trump came over. This is the best toastie I've ever had. So much cheese and ham. Brilliant. Just immediately knight the waiter and everyone would go, bloody, I don't know, that was on the card, bloody hell.

Yeah, but he had to walk everywhere with a sword. Yeah, he'd have to have a sword. Trump would like that though, maybe. No one would ever, it'd be very hard on on-flight staff because they'd never get knighted because he'd have the sword. Frank, I really like to be friends with King Charles and you, am I in? Because you know him and get on well with him. Well, I wouldn't say I know him. He likes you. Oh he was alright when he was a prince. I'm

like John Falstaff. I know the not old man. Exactly, he doesn't want me now. Fat old windbag. How dare you. He's left you in the tavern. Along with David Baddiel. Yes. Using capons. With your telling rib old anecdotes with your friends Oh Frank, I really wish you could get friends with him though I think you and him because he's quite a thoughtful intelligent man. I see a friendship here. Yeah Oh, no, you don't seem convinced. I'm not very good at friendship as you know with King Oh, no, you're not I can walk with Kings and keep the common touch You are can I say you are good at friendship? I won't have that.

I know I am bad at it. Okay. I don't know what to do. I've only got four. What do I do? Four? Four friends. That's pretty good. Is that good?

Now the awkward bit when I work out I'm not on that list. Because they cross me. Oh I got my sword out alright. Not tonight though. I've driven a lot of people away. What an extraordinary way to end the podcast. Seems to be like the only way to end the podcast. That was actually a quote from Santa Claus. I feel we're going to end on that. Oh man have you're a smelly little Christmas. Oh God.

If we never do anything else, if the podcasts end today, I'll always be thinking... We'll always have Paris. At least we'll always have shitty sides. Let's stay to that beard.