The Frank Skinner Show - Stocks and Stairs

Episode Date: November 4, 2024

On today's podcast Frank talks about a recent appearance on HARDtalk and he shares how he feels about World News. The trio also discuss lost letters, bed bugs, horse flies, sheep and birth marks. And they revisit odd moments of pride. Email the podcast [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's Frank off the radio featuring him and that posh lady-o and the one with the French name from South Africa came They're all here open brackets array Close brackets today Here we are again. This is Frank off the radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Follow the podcast on X at Instagram. You can email the podcast via frank off of the right now, but not say that. Frank off the radio or one word at avalonuk.com. Frank just said to me, oh fair, we had a mini break.

Not a mini break, Frank and I would... We went to Prague for two days. Yeah, we fucked off to Prague. Frank just said during our mini break... Did you see the child? Frank said during... Have you seen the child? No. You know the child of Prague?

No, I've never seen the child. Yeah. Because I've never been to Prague. They elaborately dress the child of Prague. Would I like Prague? I've never been to Prague. I've just got a child of Prague candle. I thought you went with Alex Horne and Josh Widdicombe?

No, that was Cologne. Oh, okay. Anyway, Frank said to me during our mini break, you've got a bite on your neck. And it turned out, I do have some sort of insect bite, but I rather like that. At first I thought it was a bit strange, and then I thought, no, I like that,

because that suggests a kind of brotherly sisterly intimacy which I like. Well you went through two levels because first of all you said and now it's a birthmark and I thought oh my god I've brought up the birthmark. You know you never mention birthmarks. I think the birthmarks pioneered the things that mustn't be mentioned. They were like, they sort of broke a few walls down for woke to come in. Birthmarks were very, that's his verboten. Yeah, exactly. Never ever. Even saying it, you know, I mean, and I'm just saying it in the abstract on an audio thing, I still feel, I mean, massive danger being put. Terrible trouble. Well, for many years, Frank, this was-

It's called a BMs. This was just, this was, people for many years would say, have you got a love bite? Just on top of my neck. They've stopped asking that. Well, it looks like you've got a... I have to say, in the last five, it's the last five to seven years, no more love bite comments.

Yeah. Okay. It looks like you've got a love bite, but only if you were loved by a horse fly. We take what we can get. They did some nasty bites to the horse flies. Yeah. Did they?

I had a couple on my leg last year and it was bad. I love that story. Frank! I had to really... Were they harnessed? They were dining out together. It must have been their anniversary. Why are they specifically...

Oh, I just spat. Sorry. Why are they specifically called horsefly? Do they just hang around horses? I don't understand. I think they target horses, but not exclusively. They don't even bite, that's why they're so bad. They have two sort of big sort of sword arm things. They just slash you open and drink the blood. They don't suck with their face.

Wow, I never knew that's the great thing about having the brain of Britain on the show. You sound like you're in the pub now, oh we've got the brain of Britain here. I absolutely assumed that that was a bite you got from a karate chop. They cut you? Yeah, that's why it's so horrible. What about when we found out on the show, do you remember that bed bugs, they have, oh, they make me ill. Wi-Fi.

What's that? Wi-Fi? Netflix? What do they have? Ambitions? Don't do that. Souls? Souls?

We still haven't heard anything about Spider-Man's song. Reservation. Yeah, we haven't heard anything about Spider-Man's song. Ambitions? Souls? Yeah. Souls? Yeah. We still haven't heard anything about Spider-Man's soul. Reservation. Yes, we haven't heard of... No, we're trying to find if Spider-Man's got a soul, if you have to give it up once you buy into the arachnid community. And I thought we'd have heard from some sort of spiritual leader. I would be a good Spider-Man comic, as if that was true, you had to give it up. Spider-Man

versus just his parish priest desperately saying, please Peter, it's not worth it. Well, do let us know if you've got any theories on Spider-Man. Yes. Let us know. I'd love to hear them. Let us know on the world wide web. Yeah. Is that the bike?

Frank, we have been hearing from the outside world by the way. Do you wish to go over to, do you wish to cross over to the outside world? Oh yes, I'm always happy to hear from, I didn't realise how loving people were until we got sacked. And then honestly, I haven't really talked about it, I said I'm not going to dwell on it, but the response was absolutely, you know, about time, good riddance. Yeah. Now, it's really nice stuff. So I hope some of those people have come to the podcast and don't feel too degraded to listen.

Okay. Let's go into some... Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you, bed bugs, I never finished that, did I? Yeah, yeah. Bed bugs have beaks and it made me feel really sick. Oh, yes, I remember that, yeah. Do you remember that? Who do they think you are, birds? Get out of it. Yeah, that is wrong that they've got beaks and it made me feel really sick. Oh yes I remember that. Who do they think you are? Birds? Get out of it. Yeah that is wrong that they've got beaks. It's not their right to have beaks. Anyway. What if they had an ant on the beak? Yes I know this is your favourite, anything to do with beaks. Frank wipes out the Anton. Anyway, go on. He's quite a good friend of yours isn't he? Oh you get on quite well with him.

I've met him once. Do you like him? I did like him a lot. He did that brilliant sort of 1960s showbiz thing of I met him at the Café de Paris and he drove. He drove it apart like near Piccadilly Circus. Absolutely fearless endeavour. Like the saint. Most people would say obviously you can't park there but if you believe. If you build it Anton will come. David Baddiel once drove to the Baftas. Yes. Which I was really impressed. But that was southbound. I'm on a bat. No, this was when it was at Covent Garden. Oh, gosh. That's mad.

He's a bold fellow, Badeel. I wish to discuss, remember you were talking recently on one of our podcasts about sort of old things that make you feel pride? You get a sense of pride from things that was one to do with the pedestrian crossing? Well, I don't, but I see men in particular, sometimes, if they cross on the red man and the rest of us are standing waiting for green, they really look like, yeah, I don't have to wait for this tech to tell me how to live my life. Look at you, you run with the... You know that song Kinky Boots when it says fashion magazines say wear them, you run with the, you know that song Kinky Boots,

when it says fashion magazines say wear them, and you rush to agree like the women in a harem. Yes. It's that suggested that we're all just following on, you know, and they go look at me, I'm a maverick figure all cross on the red man. I didn't know that harems were supposedly that such a source of agreement and harmony. Yeah, I think that the idea is that it's a very, I think they're oppressed, a lot of those.

I thought they'd be more sort of scheming. Well, there's another one when it says fashion magazines say try them and you all follow on like a flock of sheep to buy them. Sheep, you would agree are easily led. And they are wearing a lot of boots when I see them. Not the sheep. Big field of sheep wearing the most incredibly... They tend to favour little black court shoes I find most of the time.

I love sheep, my favourite animals by a mile. Do you like them? The kindest of all the animals. Do you know I think they are kind, aren't they? I don't think they're kind. They are totally kind. Do you remember I was in a field with like 500 sheep and I couldn't think of another creature I wouldn't have been terrified

to be in a field with that many. Do cows frighten you in a field? Oh God, yeah, Cows kill people. They do. Oh, I thought they were laughing and nice. Yeah, if they're a little stampede, a little charge. I've always thought of them as rather benign. No, if you're gluten intolerant.

Is it gluten? What is it then? Lactose. Lactose. Lactose. I can't remember what's in cows. Yeah, okay. Not me, can't remember what's in cows. Not me, if that's what you're wondering. If you don't eat enough gluten and a cow can smell that, it will kill you.

No, they say- Oh, I will. They're very pro-baker. If a cow has young, I don't mean the philosopher. Strength pronunciation. Yeah. We're all safe from Freudian cows, but if it's a Jungian cow. Franken is broad Jungian material again.

Yeah. If they have young calves, well, they've got calves, obviously. They don't stop at the knee. But if they've got baby caros and you've got a dog, apparently they will trample it to death and you if you try to intervene. What, E-W-E? Back on the sheep again. Yeah, I remember someone calling out to me some facts from an audience and they said that more people are killed by donkeys in a year

than sharks. I can believe that. Okay. Nevertheless we need to, well we don't need to, but I would very much like to share some of our correspondence from the outside world. No, I'm gagging for it. So save that for your Soho specialist, Doctor. Yeah. Moments of pride that people have experienced. The idea with this is it's sort of odd pride. Yeah. Yeah, so for example... Do you remember when we all had to wear masks and someone had to get on the bus without one and really look proud? Very much like the red man crossing like, you know, I'm an independent figure. Yes. So for example, Bill Richards,

I recently finished a library book that was due to be returned that very same day. I finished five minutes before library closing whilst sat in the library. It felt like last orders being called at the pub. But I was finishing a book, not a pint. That's great. I like that, Bill Richards. I really want to know what the book is. Yeah, Bill Richards, can you get in touch please and tell us? I would love to know that information as well. I feel pride when I walk down a train carriage, you know, there's Pendolino trains where they

really do move a lot and I manage like a sort of a sailor to stay completely level. Oh, how do you do that? It's kind of a chance really because you're trying to anticipate this terrible train movement, but if you if you get it wrong, you just bump someone's head with your ass. Oh Terrible. I am I can do it on a military train because I will just reach from epa let to epa And this is the braid is such a good grip as well it is perfect We've also we've had a number of people actually have got in touch. I tell you this really doesn't surprise me, but it is, Carole Thompson says, whilst putting petrol in the car, stopping exactly on the pound, not a penny more, not a penny less.

I never do that. I listen to the clicks. Do you? Yeah, I'm ruled by the clicks. This is the thing, this is why I don't cross on a red man. Or because I think I've got more interesting things to think about. Technology, take some of my decision making. So the petrol thing clicks, that's it, I'll stop now.

Why do I even want to think about it? Also do you remember there was some bloke from Columbia who killed 200 people, a serial killer? And I always thought he would be a bloke who had to get it exactly on the zero. No, I don't do that. I quite enjoy when I go into the petrol station to pay and I say, yes, that's my one. It's 4872. Because I think that shows me to be quite free-spirited and devil-may-care.

Yeah well I went into a garage the other night and as I started to drive in, it was like nine o'clock at night, bus said this is the exit. So I thought oh oh and I thought oh I don't know how to get into this. So I actually, I was already halfway into the exit. There was a car coming. So I drove along the pavement. Oh. To the entry. That's the streets of San Francisco. There was a bit where there was the wall and a lamppost.

And I thought, I'm not sure if I can get through it. Oh no. And then I drove it. It's like Mr. Pagoot. So I drove along the lamppost. You see cyclists do it. It's like Mr. Bagout. I drove it on the lamppost. You see cyclists do it. That's not an excuse, you're driving a vehicle. And then I managed to pull him. I got in a part nice and close and all that and I thought if anyone saw that they'll think I always do that, it's fine.

And then I don't thing of parking on the side that doesn't have the petrol cap. You're going to have to retake your test when the DVLA hear this. You're already on very thin ice with them after the speed awareness course, which by the way, we've had some news in about. Okay. Nathan says, dear Frank, AKA Chris. I mean, there you go.

Oh. What does that tell you? He's like a detective, then. Yeah. Revealing that he knows your true name. Yeah. Like the other participants, I was very surprised at the conclusion

of the speed awareness course, when you offered everyone a signed photo. Oh, did you? However. I didn't. However. That's his little joke. It's been a few weeks and I'm still waiting for my copy.

I hope you weren't jerking Nathan via email. I can't imagine. So was he actually on it? Yeah, Nathan was on it. Oh, brilliant. Well, I hope he lasted longer than me as I've already had a spading tiki. Oh, really? I don't think I could drive across London.

I drove the other night. I don't think you can. You were driving on the pavement the other night with your son in the car. I would say I think you can as long as it involves the pavement. You could absolutely smash it all through London. That would keep my speeds down. All I'd say is I would feel slightly safer out there on the streets if I maybe did another test. But if I lost my license, why would I get around? You'd have to... I'd have to drive almost exclusively at night. Ask the beach boys. It's not our problem. You know also on the subject of driving,

Stuart Pridot, you would say that, on driving points, Stuart lives in France. And the Pridot. It's Cornish. Is it? Oh, he knows about names. He did that at Cambridge. He did names, that was his degree. I didn't know those wobbly trains was called a Penderlabra. Oh, he knows everything. Horseflies, trains,

Cornwall. All of the big areas are covered. If you got a train to Cornwall you'd almost certainly see a horse fly. Thanks for that. I live in France and that's it. I'm not often impressed by a one-cent email. I live in France and here you start with 12 points on your license. So it's exactly what I suggested. And they take off for infringements as I found out this week. I lost four points.

Four is harsh, isn't it? French don't mess about. For rolling very slowly across a stop line. Keep up the work. Four points-handing. That's from Stuart Pridot. It's a lot, isn't it? Four points for that. Rolling across a stop line. What does that mean, Frank? Going over the stop line?

You know where you have to stop at, like the Zemba Cross? No, I've never done that. Oh, yeah. Do you think when you finally lose your license, the sort of French version of the DVLA, they say nulle pointe and then just stamp it? Yes. Yeah, maybe. Nulle pointe. But I think you can lose your license there for having one collar in your jumper and one

collar out in France. All right, pavement Pete. Yes, Hont. Have we had any other correspondents you wish to share? Marianne Hewitt, minor moment of pride. Not me, which maybe she doth protest too much, but a friend of a friend once finished a tin of Vaseline. I mean, that seems improbable to me.

I've never seen that. Have you ever finished a tin? I think on my medical. That credit for that goes to the physician. No, have you ever finished a lip balm? No, I refuse to use lip balm. My partner says to me, when you're travelling around the country on one of your tours. Oh I love one of your tours.

Oh, I love one of your tours. That's lovely. She said, she said, when you go into areas that are, you know, different places in the country and you, if you ever see blue lip seal and, and this is dark blue, not the light blue, can you get it? She said, because she can't get it anymore. And she said, that would make me happier than any other present you could get me. Dark blue lip seal. I mean, it's not the actual tube is dark blue. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not the lip seal. It's not Frank Skinner podcast. A new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going. Anyway, can I talk now? Yeah, yeah, okay, you can talk for a bit. Good. At last. Come on. You know I'm doing a lot of publicity at the moment, trying to sell my show. Which one?

It's largely. But you're always sold out, Frank. Occasionally. What we do, you see, and what I'm encouraged to do by my management is if we sell out is to put another one in in that town. And eventually, if you keep filling another bottle from the barrel, you're gonna have the bottle that is half full. Oh I see, so it's a sort of greed really.

Yes, but not mine. I always think if my manager had to do the gig staring at a half empty theatre, he might think a little differently. Especially if he took the financial risk. Anyway, so part of the publicity, my publicity setup, right, we've got a TV show. Is this Lucy? I don't want to know names. Oh, I'm sorry. We will take that out. Was that your stomach?

Yes, it was my stomach. Oh yeah, congratulations. Oh yes, yeah. So she said there's this program called Hard Talk which gets loads and loads of viewers and they want you on to do an interview. And I said, okay, great. So my fault, I didn't really look, I'd never heard of Hard Talk and I thought I need to look it up. Like on the morning of the interview, I looked it up.

Sure enough, it gets 22 million viewers. I thought, well, that is, I mean, in the modern age, that's amazing. But it says in this description, 22 million viewers, almost none of them in the UK. I thought, okay, that's going to be helpful to sell in my ticket. That's going to be useful for Clapton On See. Yeah, it's on in the UK, but it's on the BBC News channel at 11.30pm. But I tell you what I'm gonna have to do this. Go on. I'm gonna look it up on, can somebody just look up episodes of Hard Talk, one of my team while we're doing this. I don't really want that on my search history. I think it'll be alright. Okay. So I looked it up and it said that million viewers. I thought brilliant hardly any in the UK

I thought oh no, and it said famed for its aggressive no holds barred I thought well this is just perfect Have you got is this the yes, so here we've got Have you got, is this the, yes. So here we've got some recent interviews, right, people that have been done on there. Tom Shakespeare, social scientist and bioethicist. Oh. Mohammed Iyafan Ali, president of Guyana. Claude Joseph, former acting Prime Minister of Haiti, Riyad Mansour, Palestinian ambassador to the UN, and just to throw one more, Jan Eglund, Secretary General, Norwegian Refugee Council.

And next week. And on Wednesday. Each one of them funnier than the last. Exactly. But that's who they have on and me. Well, did they want you to talk about politics or? Well, I didn't know. I mean, I was on there to, you know, to plug my... So you're interviewed by a man called Stephen Sackur. David Baddiel had done the show because he's, you know, as you know, he's an activist nowadays and he said to me,

oh he looks like you if you'd chosen serious journalism instead of comedy. And I could see what he meant when I got there and the producer is by the way currently googling as we speak yeah well I mean I so I found I found out my publicist and said hold on I've just been reading I said it's too late to pull out now obviously I said but no one watches it in the UK and it's really like aggressive. Yeah difficult and she said well they seem lovely They're very keen to have you on I said it's called hard talk

That's the clue isn't it from the off Anyway, I got there. I met Stephen Sackur who was actually off air very friendly who's actually off air, very friendly, Legion United fan, who thought, apparently he's massive abroad, he gets recognized all over the world. Yeah. He's very big in the ambassador's residence, isn't he? I bet he is. So we sat in a sort of an ante room. You know, there's part of the BBC that is sort of world service and all that. Well, I've never been very interested in the world. Do you know what I mean?

Strange post. I never listened to world news or anything like that. So in this ante room we were sitting, I was actually watching world news with some of the people that work on Hard Talk. I mean, I had no idea what they're... I always imagined the only people who watch World News are in Singapore. I don't know. I don't know why Singapore, but that to me is the epicenter of the whole BBC World Service

thing. I know what you mean. But I had no idea what... There was people coming on and I thought, I asked for a globe at one stage. I mean it meant nothing. I just thought why do people watch this? You're like a medieval traveller.

Anyway then I was… Speak of lands, most far. Yeah, exactly. Metal bird in sky. What was that one? Did you speak to anyone? I was reading about some crime from the 19th century and the Polish book you were sent beyond the seas. That's what it said. Where is that? Saturn?

I think specifically they called it parts beyond the seas. Yeah, beyond the seas. So what happened? Did you strike up a conversation with any of the people? They were all, they were friendly but they would occasionally say stuff like, well, why don't you get out there with Stephen? It was initials, it hadn't escaped me or SS. So, I said that to my publicist as well, as it was a reason she should have been aware. Anyway, so he asked me about the hypocrisy of being a film, as comedian and Roman Catholic, past jokes that I feel ashamed of, my political beliefs.

I don't know if this is a hot flush I'm experiencing or whether I'm absolutely dying. And I said, I'm doing Liverpool Empire on November the 24th. But at the end, at the end he said, you know, he'd done the standard ending and he said, so Frank Skinner, thank you very much for talking to me tonight. And I said, thank thank you it's been an ordeal. Oh my god Frank that is awful. What are they going to think in Singapore? What's it like Singapore? Have you ever been there? Very humid. I loved it and I met a gentleman called Eddie Tan. I'm surprised the televisions work in that level of humidity. I met a gentleman called Eddie Tan I was introduced to there and someone whispered to me conspiratorially

and said, you know he's from the famous Tan Ice Cream family, Tan? And I pretended I knew what that was. Yeah, you have to go on that. I went, really? Tan Ice Cream? I loved it there. I think you'd quite enjoy it in Singapore, Frank. It's very clean. Too worldly for me.

Okay. Too much world service. Too much talk about the world. It's too big for me to get my head around. Do you know what I mean? Singapore. Well your sales have gone through the roof, to be fair, in Singapore. Yeah, exactly. I bet people have come, they're going to actually charter. You'd enjoy the, I think you'd enjoy the Philippines though, Frank. Manila you'd enjoy. What are you getting at? Oh, don't, I know those little sly remarks.

Oh, I'll tell you what, speaking of oddity, did you see the lady? There was a lady in the paper. Every now and again one of these stories appears in the paper when a postcard from the Second World War arrives, something like that. There was a lady who applied for a job in 1976. Correct. And she's just had the answer. Yes, she had a reply. Well, it wasn't a reply because she's had an answer as to why she never got a response, essentially.

Well, it returned her letter, didn't it? Yes. So she still never heard from the people who she applied to for the job. Her letter was returned to her from Staines' post office, wasn't it? Yeah. Saying... Found behind a drawer, I think you said. And then only about 50 years late, written on it on it. Let's just make fun of it.

What was interesting? Whimsical incompetence. Well that's it. It said late delivery by Staines Post Office found behind a drawer only about 50 years late but I I like that they had the audacity to even return it. I want to know is there a mathematical formula for these very very light replies? Yes. Where at what point does atrocious service become a warm-hearted human interest? When does incompetence become a charming? Yeah, there must be an actual cut-off point where it would be absolutely outrageous to... It's got to be decades. Also, this was a life-changing letter that she could have received because she was...

It was for the job... I mean, fabulously 70s. She was applying to be a motorcycle stunt rider. That is brilliant. What a woman. You don't get those jobs advertised much in this decade, it's fair to say. No. No, it's quite... But the post office have apologised and said they've taken action, they've already imprisoned some postmaster from Shropshire who knew nothing about it.

They don't hang about. I do love that about the post office. Yeah, exactly. I'm sure the some postmasters will get their compensation on a similar timeline to this woman. Big money in an envelope, found behind a drawer, about 50 years late. Yeah. I tell you what, she said a great thing though, because she is, what a woman she is. What's her name again? So her name was I think her name was Tizzie. Tizzie Hodson. From Lincolnshire. She is an amazing woman. She's extraordinary

I mean I was gonna say I was I'm sort of interested in this and I thought no I want to see her biopic. She said oh I didn't end up doing the motorcycle stunt riding so instead. But you think that must have been an odd whim when she was young and then she settled down to a nice secretarial post. Yes, then I was a snake handler. Shortly before I became a horse whisperer. Aerobatic pilot. She was a snake handler for Nokia. She did all their graphics. And the horse was...

I mean, I didn't think that was a real thing. They get perilously close to the nail hole. Yeah, and I don't know if I've told you before, but the aviatrix for me is like the sexiest thing. Oh, is that what it's called? For female. Aviatrix. Those sort of female flying pioneer type. Oh okay. Like Amy Johnson. Amy Johnson with her fabulous blue eyes. Yes because I love, I like the flying jacket white scarf combo. Oh it's so neat, the helmet, the goggles. Alright dear. We used to, when we used to be on tour together, do you remember we used to pass Amy Johnson's plaque

on the wall? We did. And I used to say hello, Amy. Oh, hello. I love that story. Good luck. Yeah, she was... One of those things I don't even think happened anymore.

She had a ticker tape parade in New York. Did she? You know the tickicker Tape Parade? They used to be ticker tape which actually comes out of a machine and tells you stocks and stairs. I read some shares rather, not stocks and stairs. That was when I lived a medieval. What's the latest news on these stocks? There must have been medieval wrongdoers who could write a memoir called Stocks and Sticks

where people just looked gawped at me when I was having fruit thrown at me. My life as a highwayman. I'll tell you something that this lady... Tizzy. Tizzy. She keeps calling it lady. By the way, this is fabulous. Have you ever looked, obviously I've looked at videos of Amy Johnson. There's one Amy, you know everyone in those days spoke like this. Don't know about the Pathé newsreels. And she said, she talks about her dreams of making England the tip-top country in the world. The tip-top country in the world.

Oh, you can really causally say that. Anyway, she said Dodie Whipsnade. What was she called? Frank, you can't just make up names. Dodie Whipsnade. Dodie Whipsnade. What was she called? Frank, you can't just make up names. Dodie Whipsnade. Dodie Whipsnade is a fantastic name. That would be the horse whispering pseudonym. Yeah. What's she called? Tizzy Hodson. Tizzy Hodson. Tizzy Hodson said Disney. Dodie Whipsnade. She said, I quote Tizzy, she said,

Tizzi, she said, if I could speak to my younger self, I'd say go and do everything I've done. No thanks. And I thought that's a bit of a pointless intervention. It's going to happen anyway. Yeah. You're supposed to give them advice of things not to do that you do. Really crap episode of Doctor Who, if they go back in time and go, don't change anything. No, you'll see. I should never have come. It's essentially, yeah, you're fine as you are. I wouldn't have made a very interesting back to the future.

If someone appeared out of a portal and said, do everything you thought you were going to do anyway. You go, oh, I'm going to overthink everything now. Younger selves actually write into it. Oh yeah. Oh, I did a thing. I'm gonna tell you this now. I met a girl on holiday. Who is that? Dodie Whipsnade? Let's call her Dodie Whipsnade for the purposes of this. And I invited her back to my home. Oh God. I was a young man. You're lair. Before I was famous. Now, now I'm in just my area. Oh God. I was a young man. You're lair.

Before I was famous. No, no, I mean just my area. What do you mean? No. I don't know. We walked along the canal and stuff like that. Didn't you have a flat? No, I was living with my parents at the time.

Oh, sexy. I couldn't take her back there. Anyway, we had a day together. I thought she was fantastic and she said, OK, I'll write to you. Oh, that was a date together. I thought she was fantastic and she said, ''Okay, I'll write to you.'' That was a good sign. Yeah. That's what I say at the end of every date when I want to see you.

I waited and I remember I moved on my own. I moved the old upright piano in our front room and pulled up the whole section of carpet to see if the letter could possibly be lost. Oh, terrible. Oh Frank, that's so heartbreaking. It is. I did a similar thing looking for offers from radio stations over the last few months. No, it's true though. I did do that. Not the radio station, but I did do it with the lady. Did she never get in touch with you then?

No, I never heard from her again. Oh, but look what she could have worn. Yeah, exactly. It's her own fault. It's all gone Chelsea Davies with her. I liked Tizzi saying, how they found me, EG, the post office when I've moved house 50 odd times and even moved countries four or five times is a mystery. It is impressive. It is impressive. Although if your name is Tizzi, it's going to be a quicker search on Facebook. When I read that, I thought that's not like a nuanced life sign. I'm on witness

protection. If that's true, then we should have called the post office on finding Bin That's not like a nuanced life saying I'm on witness protection If that's true then we should have caught the post office on finding bin Laden the whole time Yeah, exactly written a letter to bin Laden. Yes left in the hands of the post office We know the post office will get to the bottom of any crime You'll never guess who bin Laden was, a postmaster in a small town. I wonder if this means I could still hear from Oak House. Oak House, I think the only application letter for a job I ever wrote in my life was for a seventeenth to be the curator at a seventeenth century half-tim timbered house in West Providence called Oak House. And I never heard back from them.

I don't think I even bothered moving the piano. I imagine they'd have used pigeons. Oak House? It's still there I think. Is it really? We should do a visit to Oak House. I once wrote to Fulham Football Club. I went to Kevin Keegan asking if I could come and work for him at Fulham. I think I would have been good. I never heard anything. As a sort of executive assistant? I hadn't really thought it through what I wanted to do.

I just saw myself running around those offices going, hello, full of football club. What about when I had an interview and the woman interviewed me, looked at some, read some stuff and said, you're very local, aren't you? What does that one mean? What are you looking at? I'm not from Singapore. She was going to say she was right. She's bang on, she can read people like no one's business. I said to her when I went to Wolverhampton once and she went, ha ha ha. She was, I could see her riding a cross even as she laughed.

It's got a big red felt to it. No, no with a chuckle. Very local. That's my job, career, but maybe it'll turn up in 48 years time. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch you can email the podcast via frankofftheradio.avalonuk.com.