The Frank Skinner Show - Synchronised Slurping

Episode Date: February 3, 2025

Frank has been to Claridge's with his family and two fellow diners caught their attention. Frank also heard a phrased used in the street which he wants to run past Pierre and Emily. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. Download the free CBC News app or visit cbcnews.ca It's Frank off the radio featuring him and that Parsh Lady-o and the one with the French name from South Africa came. They're all here open brackets array. Close brackets today. Oh, this is Frank off the radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Navelli follow the podcast on X. That'll do it won't it? Yeah it's fine. I think now that Elon is the president of the United States. Actually by the time this goes out they'll have had a massive row

and he'll be in prison. I'm hoping we'll be all right because we're in with Pierre. Anyway, X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via Frank off the radio at AvalonUK.com. They look more kindly on us because we've got South African muscles with us. Do you think? Yeah, I hope so. Who's they? Well, you know, all that lot.

Elon Musk. I don't think of him as a they. I was thinking I've been offered a gold advert now in the light of all this gold stuff we're talking about. Who's on the coin? Nimone, the Radio 2 DJ. For too long the Royal Mint has scorned Nimone. Exactly. And now in this limited edition. We aim to finally put that right. Yes.

Oh no, it's Nick Grimshaw this and who's the other black lady the blonde lady who snowboards thanks for your help anyway I mean it's quite vague Frank what really hobby most snowboarders are blonde I would say okay does feel that way I just thought we had radio people in the room is Is she a radio person? Joe Wiley. Oh, okay. I feel, yeah, too long have we focused on the skills and abilities of Joe Wiley, but no moon is going to be on a 14 karat gold sofa. And then I appear over the hill with a pickaxe and a rusty old pan saying, yeah, I know all there is to know about gold. And I tell you, I ain't seen nothing finer than this nemoan sovereign.

They should have more testimonials from people who famously love gold coins. Yes, exactly. Pirates. Yeah. They should have more testimonials from people who famously love gold coins. Yes. Pirates. Yeah. Chessboard of mnemones. Worth killing any man for. King Midas.

Let's hear from King Midas. Well, I have been touching coins all morning, but they did not bear the visage of Nemone. The only way I can get my goldy goldy mitts on those is to pay £79 to wearerippingyouoff.com. Would you do Doctor Who coins? No. No, I don't want no. I've got a coin that I carry with me which my son bought for me on a school trip. What is that? Is that Doctor Who though? No, I'll show it to you. It'll be good on a podcast. Well, we can describe what it's like. Yes, it'll be like a...

Oh, that's great. I like that. That's Sutton Who. It's the Sutton Who mask in gold. Yeah, but when you remove the mask, it's Finally the Saxon splendor of Sutton who and the DJing skills of Nimone come together From various angles. Oh dear. Oh it's the little things in life, that's what me says. I went, I'll tell you where I went, what about this. I went to Claridge's for lunch. Did you go to Claridge's? That's posh. Yes, very posh. Are we allowed to know who with? I went with Kat's side of the family. Brother-in-law, sister-in-law, Kat's dad,

Kat's wife, children, some children. Lovely. Was there an occasion? No. Oh, just feeling a bit flash. I think it was our Christmas lunch, but someone was ill so we couldn't do it then, so we're doing it now. It's fair, I mean it is, you know I walked in there and I'd been there like, I don't know, about four years ago and the man on the door said, oh Mr Skinner, how lovely to have you back again after four years. Really? And I thought, wow, they're good aren't they? They're good. They are good. Do you think everyone gets that? No. I don't think so. He knew you. Well he did well too. What about if everyone, he just says, oh Mr Skinner, how lovely to have you back and thinks eventually

this will work. It's like the clock that's right twice a day. Yes, yes. It's got to work sometimes. So we had some ta-ta-ta. Did you? Which I believe is Morse code for the letter K. Right. Do you like ta-ta-ta? I find it slightly disappointing. I really only add it so I could say I love the ta-ta-ta. Oh yeah. Because you really can then go very I love the ta ta ta. Oh yeah.

You really can then go very far, you say ta ta ta. It's like crème caramel. He said it's accompanied by ice cream. I said you are. He didn't get it. I don't really either. No I don't. It doesn't really mean it.

It's just we used to say you are at school about various things and I like to bring the impish schoolyard charm into the formality of Claridge's. So anyway, brings it and the accompanying ice cream, which is like, you know, it's a plate where there's some ta ta ta. And then there's like three inches away is the ice cream. And what they've done, they've put really quite a big piece of ice cream on a tiny, tiny biscuit. Oh. Like a golf ball on a little tea.

Yeah, like, did you say a goth ball? A golf ball, but a goth ball and a little tea. Yeah, like, did you say a goth ball? A golf ball, a goth ball would be funny. Is a goth ball a sort of a black thing that goths cough up occasionally? It's just long hair. He said goth ball as if he was pronouncing it like posh people would say almond. Well, we've brought up clarity. Have you ever seen that? There's a work of art

and it's called, I don't know what the French is, but it's the base of the world is what it's actually called. So it's got Le Monde in it and what it is, you know you get a work of art on a I love a plinth. Yeah, that's what Chris Eubanks said to me at the Investiture. Oh my God, that's a very good joke. Yeah, I can't remember who wrote it now. Pierre and I. Oh Frank, you've got to stop with that. It's been so irritating. You know what he did, he did a plinth and it said, it said the world.

Yeah. And it's upside down. Oh. So he's put the world on this plinth, yeah. I get it. Are you with me? Yes, I do get it. I'm looking around at the authors and they're looking at me like, I don't know what you're

talking about. I get it. When I say the authors, I travel with a team of security people. The men in black? Yeah since I got an MBE I'm allowed to security people who travel with me everywhere. Because you've got that bag of Limon sovereigns with you. Yeah exactly. Unlike the men in black, they forget everything. So anyway, we had this very week, my nephew basically, my nephew Elliot, he ordered a knickerbock of glory. Now, I forgot they... So 1973 of him. I know, and I'd had a very retro week because it had been very frosty

and I'd acted my car was so frosty I actually had to scrape the windscreen something I didn't think people did I did it with a C90 cassette I did I'll tell you what I did it I did it with a coaster because I don't have anything in the boot you said proper scrapers you've got a coaster in your car No, I went into the house Yeah, I'm very coaster conscious I Have managed to slip a coaster. Yeah, there's someone's cop on its way down Yeah, he's almost he's almost diseased when it comes to coasters.

I've got a table and the middle part of it is tiled. You know this table. I do, you've had it for a long time. And the outer part of it is wood and people will still put a hot cop on the wood even though 80% of the table is tiled. That's what we're dealing with in star-miss Britain. I've obviously learnt not to do that. No, no. That's what we're dealing with in star-mised Britain. I've obviously learnt not to do that. Oh, no. That's an interesting test you've set up for guests. So I'd already had a very 70s week.

See, when I was living in Birmingham, I still was very coast-to-centry, but there were all beer mats that I brought out from the pubs. So you couldn't have cleaned a windscreen with that. No. Do you still get beer mats? I don't know, I'm so pubs. Yes, I'm sure you do. Pierre's the only one who goes in pubs. You still get them in pubs, but their use is sort of completely sporadic. It doesn't seem to be any patent.

People used to rip them up, didn't they? And write ideas for TV shows on them. Yeah exactly. Do you still get the Viamact? The Viamact? What is that in the hotel chain? I'm just trying to think of something else that sounded like Viamact. If one of them had to go I'd rather it was the Viamact to be honest. I think that's a deal most of us. Have you ever used a CD? I use those sometimes for the windscreen. No. Not the actual CD, the CD case is quite useful. So it's not just me, I just thought there's a button in the car that I should press and everything would immediately... It helps if you press the button, there is a button.

I've had this car I think three years and two months and I discovered this morning... It's very precise, you know it's birthday Yeah, this morning I discovered that it's got one of those things that I can put a heater in my seat You know, you can make your seat go hot It took me that long. Do you enjoy that feeling? I find it too much. Oh, I love it. Really? I love it. Yeah, the great thing about it is when I get out of the car, me mormones have got so hot that I retain that heat with me for the rest of the day. You can't sit on any wood or you'll leave a ring. Oh no, I know, well that's... Yeah, I'm just the snooker all the time, I don't want to leave Brown on the bottom cushion. Oh my god.

Anyway, I hadn't seen a knickerbutt. They come in the talk, it's the sort of, it's the confectionery equivalent of the yard of ale. Yeah. I don't think I've seen. Do they still have those in pots? I've seen a pub that had one, but they made the decision to very openly have it. It used to be like there'd be one behind the bar as a challenge, as a standing challenge.

Yes, the only time I've seen it was on a flight once there was a gentleman. On a flight? Hang on boys, hang on. He was so proud. Drinks, drinks, yes I'd like a yard of ale. A picture of sort of oak paneled plain, done up like a pub. A yard of ale! Wow!

He'd been on a stag do. He had, I would say his hair was sort of like, do you remember the pop star Lamar, Frank? It was similar to that. So it was sort of, it was a lot of snow washed denim and he had blonde hair this chap. Do you know getting the vibe? Oh yes, okay. And he'd been on a stag do, and he was showing me his certificate. For drinking a yard of oak.

Don't make that noise, Frank. He said, can I show you my certificate? I drunk a yard of ale. He said it was nightly. I don't believe that. I don't know how much that is. She wouldn't be able to drink a yard of ale. She could sleep in one. Oh, they're all of me. She could use one as a sort of diving bell. Yeah, she could. She could explore the deep with one. Yeah, she could put some water

and some Japanese snapping fish in the bottom and slide in to get her toes manicured. But drink a yard of ale. No way, Jose. I don't believe you could... I was going to say how much is a yard of ale. I won't say that, obviously. Sorry, that was from How Much Is Our Dog in the Winter. Would you have been able to drink a yard of ale at home?

I've tried it many, many times. Have you? But it's not so much... I mean, it's two and a third pints I think. But the problem is, it's the, there's a bowl, like a bowl, they call it at the end. He shows me that. But you have to, most people that they start drinking it thinks this is easy, and then there's this tsunami of ale coming down from the bowl. You have to do that bit very, very, right, so it's a technique. Oh, there's a technique?

So it's not really a drink, it's not for the drunkard really, it's a display. You wouldn't order it in a... You never, ever see people on waste ground passing round a yard of ale. Well he showed me a photograph of himself and it was in a sort of glass implement, does that sound right? That is a yard of ale. Well he showed me a photograph of himself and it was in a sort of glass implement. Does that sound right? That is a yard of ale. Well I don't know these things. In Germany they have the boot. Do they? Yeah you can get a big glass boot to drink out of. From some old story about a cavalry officer drinking a load of wine out of a big boot. People used to...

Maybe beer. And the spooner in Australia. When I was a drinker, I'm just going to use piano as me, does this still happen in pubs? When I was a drinker, but then again, no. People used to... no, but not for a long time. People used to have tankards, their own tankards behind the bar. There's a pub on the Isle of Man like that. Yeah, and people would go in and they wouldn't use the glasses,

they'd have their pewter tankard. I think there was a character. Imagine going into an ice cream parlour and you've got your own Nick of Bocca Glory glass hanging up. Your name on it. I love, is there any other, what other food places are parlours? Why does ice cream get that? You don't go into an ice cream shop, you go into a parlour. What's going on?

We took the kids to the sausage parlour after school. No one ever does that. We went to the pizza parlour. Pizza parlour? No, I've heard pizza parlour, but not to the same degree. It never caught on. Do you get pizza parlour? You do, but know what they tried but it was never gonna catch on because you're absolutely right the ice cream the parlor is owned by the ice cream. What about Ray parlor? Ray parlor used to play for Aston but if you ate rays you know those big fish if you're in the habit of eating one of those out of a big cup.

Didn't that kill Erwin? A rye? It did, yeah, a rye. Well, let's move on then from that. It's Frank of the Radio, Frank of the Radio, Frank of the Radio. It's the Frank Skinner Podcast, don't you know? This is an ad from BetterHelp online therapy. We always hear about the red flags to avoid in relationships, but it's just as important

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With a low annual interest rate, the TD Low-Rate Visa Card can help find some balance. Learn more at td.com slash low-ratecard. TD. Ready for you. Where were we? We were in Claridge's. Oh yeah. But here's the thing. So Elliot had the knickerbock of glory. Yeah it was great. I had me ta ta ta. Did you say it like that? Who is that? Let them in. You didn't say that to the waiter. I said it in every possible way every time

he came back. I'm still, how's it going with that? Ta ta ta. Oh I can't bear it. He was good. That's why he remembered you after four years. He was good with it. Now that was that. That's the doorman. I wouldn't call him the doorman. That's the man. No, the man who wears the.

Sort of maitre dite. Maitre dite. Was he standing behind a little lectern? He was at one stage. But there was the staff were doing a craft work tribute act. He fulfills the role of the sort of good evening sir, madam, may I take your wrap? Yeah, exactly. That's his role.

And he does it well. Go on then. He did do it well. So, these two ladies came in for clarities. They like it. They sat on the table next to us. They were both well gonna be but they were all older ladies. Yeah and They were Absolutely

100% identical Their makeup what they were wearing they wore black Roll-neck jumpers and black leather trousers with black shoes but they honestly were unbelievably similar and they sat... Same colour hair, everything? Yeah, everything. Really the most identical identical twins I've ever seen. They sat opposite each other, they ordered exactly the same drink, which

they put in the same, they even had their spectacles, which they put in exactly the same place on the table. This wasn't someone seated opposite a mirror. No. You're just so distracted by ta-ta-ta. Isn't it extraordinary? Those women, those twins. And then they ordered the French onion soup and I was slightly disappointed. That's a bit cliché.

They didn't, oh I had that as well. Oh dear, how embarrassing. They, I was hoping... Tarte Tatin, French onion soup? I thought there'd be a synchronicity in their slurping but no, they didn't go that far. They varied it up. But I couldn't, none of us could take our eyes off them. And in the end, I went over,

Kat said, we're sisters, we've gotta go and talk to them. We've got to talk to them because they're just remarkable. And so they went over and talked, and I went over, and I said, can I say you've really made this event. I said it's like sitting next to a work of art sitting next to you too. And they both, they were Americans and they both said simultaneously, oh lovely, happy new year, like together. Wow! Because you came over and said, can I say how delighted I am to be unsettled by you today?

Exactly. You have something of the shining about you. Yeah. How happy I am to have terrible dreams about you for the rest of my life. Can I just say how frightened I'd be if I went to a gallery and you were running it? And it turned out they were the cheeky girls in reduced circumstances. I think it sounds like if they were at Clarion's they'd be the cheeky girls having done very well.

That's what I was going to say. But their mental health, one personal appearance too many. How many times can you stand on a nightclub stage passing balloons to men going woooooo I ask you anyway. It was it was really amazing. What was the mother called Frank? Birgit or me? Margit Daaantamargit I find it quite charming when Americans say lovely I find it quite charming when Americans say lovely because it's such an English word to me.

Well, Kath did a deep research on them. Apparently they're... What the two women you saw? Yeah, they're nurses who do like incredible work together, nurses or doctors. How did she find out? Did she get their names from them or something? I think she did ask them for their names. Oh, well done her. from them or something? I think she did ask them for their names. I'll get her to pass it on to you but they were really a remarkable visual pair. Reminds me of when I saw Jedward on Hamstead Heath. You had a chat with them didn't you? Did you talk to them? I have, no, I've only met one, I think,

but it's like meeting both. One of Jedwes. It's like meeting both of them and they look the same. You just crossed your eyes while you were talking to them. Yeah, exactly. Same thing. Yeah.

He was running on the heath. Pursue, pursue. A landlord, angry landlord, where's my rent? It's terrible really. Have we, what have we? Well I'll tell you what. What else? Do you remember John Hopkins, who was one of our regular respondents in the old days? Well John has been in touch hasn't he Pierre? Yes.

Would you care to share? I would love to. Hello there Frank, Emily and Pierre. I'll be honest with you, I've only just recovered from the whole Jodrell Bank shambles. Well we so embarrassed ourselves Frank Pierre. Well I don't want to dwell on it. Dare I bring up your old radio days, but I wanted to share something with you that my nine-year-old son Noah did at school.

Did he build an enormous ship? This is a very old email. We should have read this out before. I don't feel he's got nearly enough credit for this achievement. This arrived 4,000 years ago. It's only rhyme 4000 years ago. It's only just a rhyme. You'll no doubt recall that Frank used to have a cheery catchphrase, life is a grotesque pantomime.

Yes, yes. You remember that Frank? I do. Which I had a habit of overusing during times of personal crisis at home. Oh dear. Noah clearly picked up on this and during an English lesson he was asked to write a simile to describe life. Or life. I'm sure his teacher was expecting the ubiquitous life is like a box of chocolates or life is a roller coaster. But Noah surpassed himself

and produced this absolute perler which I enclose. And so written on a piece of note paper and because of quite, well obviously quite some childish handwriting, which really adds to it is, life is a grotesque pantomime, with grotesque spelled in a Chaucerian, G-R-O-T-E-S-C-K. Oh, okay. Grotesque. Yeah. And it's really written quite in big letters

on top of a school notebook. That must have terrified the... speaking of... I don't know where... but here's the... I hear's the rub. Has he credited you? Because you've got to start young, Hopkins. You've got to teach him young, haven't you? No, but that big South African kid in his class... Oh, here we go. Is that your? So he asked him rightly. You have mentioned it four times on the last podcast, three times on this. When are you going to move on from this? I mean you know. Will you ever move on? You know saliva is very good

for wounds. I use words. Can we just say what happened in the previous podcast? I don't think people can fail to have remembered. Pierre said something to Frank. Do you think people listen to this more than once? Pierre said something to Frank and he's struggling to move on from it. Are you okay with it now? Okay. You're going to have to get Life is a Grotesque pantomime written on your next pair of glasses.

You don't only allowed 20 characters. I was walking down the high street, past these two ladies. Twins again. Seems to be happening while there are a lot to you these days. They definitely weren't twins. And one of them was just finishing a story and the other one went, Oh my kidneys. Is that a thing? I've not heard that. To the tune of Oh my goodness if you know what I mean.

Oh my kidneys? Yes, I know it might have been. I just thought that must be a phrase that people use. I've never heard it before. Oh my kidneys can't believe it But then I thought what if she was actually saying oh my kidneys right at the end of a thing I thought you guys would say yeah. Oh my kidneys everybody says that what if the story Piera say everyone on the circuit says it and you say I heard it at Royal Ascot Dare I say everyone on the circuit says it and you say I heard it at Royal Ascot. So you haven't heard it either.

What if the story was about her friend finding some bizarre objects in the meat section of her fridge? Oh my kidneys. Maybe she realised, Pierre, she's just looked at the date and she's realised they're about to go off, I think. Or she's left. Oh my kidneys! Maybe she put them in the oven before she left and forgot and suddenly that had come to... But it honestly felt like an exclamation, like an, you know, oh my goodness.

Well, I think it's an awful phrase. That's the mid-light from Hancock's half-hour theme. So you enjoyed Clownridges by the way I just want to get a sense of it. It feels like it was a positive experience. What would you say TripAdvisor, five stars? Well I don't think Clownridges cared, People will always go to cloud ridges. Oh okay that's quite a thing to say. I think so. Did the knickerbuck of glory come with little sparklers or how elaborate was it? No I don't think it came with sparklers. Oh I don't like sparklers on food. No. But you know you get those long ones. Don't you find that so awful when they do that? What about those nightclubs and they're really and theaires, the people with Teslas getting the drinks?

Big fizzing buckets. But you know the story about the man who goes to hell and they've got really long spoons so there's food but they can't feed themselves because the spoons are so long so they're starving. And then when he goes to heaven they've got the same set up but they're feeding each other because they're caring. Yeah. The people in hell could have lived on Nicomache and Glorious.

Which is just the sort of thing that people from hell would like, you'd think. So up their straws. Yeah, and you're not worrying about your waistline in hell. In fact, that's what they say. It's Bikram afterlife. The bit was missing from... Yes, I did a Bikram afterlife. I'm really sweating out. That's what they say next to the Knickerbocker Glory on the menu.

Very up Satan's strasa. Yes, yes. Hell's leading dessert. That's what they say. They have a quote from Satan. From Dante. Yeah, from Dante. We encountered the Knickerbocker glory section of hell.

Hmm. Frank? What? Oh okay calm down. I thought something had happened. Oh my kidneys! Do you wish to know, well you're gonna find out about it anyway. I wish to know almost everything. Do you want an IEM? Because we do sometimes get sent these. Do you remember IEMs? Oh this idiotic Eureka moment, yes, when you realise something that you should have realised a long time ago. I don't know if this is an IEM. Because I didn't know this, but I think you two will. So this is from Charlotte in Stratford-upon-Avon. She's now become one of our regulars. I think I said this before. Yes. Did I? Maybe I did. Unless she

sent us another one. I'm not gonna be able to. Well she might have sent another one but Charlotte from... because I mentioned the fact that some people say Stratford upon Avon. You did. Oh I want to know now well, maybe I have I'm very happy to read it Yes, reading it again. He's got it. Just read it out a second time. We'll come up with some totally new stuff I think I don't think we've read this. Maybe she's having one idiotic Eureka moment after the next I think she has been in touch before about something else Okay, but you're right Charlotte is one of our regulars regulars now. But I think this is new content from her. Respect.

She says, so my idiotic eureka moment this week was that sardines are named after Sardinia. I've never heard that. Keep up the good work. Is that true? Well, Frank, do you know about this? I would have thought more likely that Sardinia was named after sardines. Surely they were there first. Which was first, sardines or sardinia?

This is a nice twist on the chicken and the egg, isn't it? Yes. It's the sort of upper middle class version of that question. But sardines must have been around for ages. Well, you know, we'll have to ask Noah. He'll know. Yeah, well, yeah, well, he only took two on. It's the only time sardines have had any genuine elbow room.

That might be true. Okay. Has anyone else? No? I'm looking at the producers. No, I've never heard that. Don't bother looking over there. We look to you for these moments.

We really do. My scepticism kidneys are being activated by this fact. No, you're not sure about it. No, my kidneys have their suspicions. I think you'll find that the sardines families claim that they fought in a battle of Hastings. I've never really thought of sardines having a family, like sardines having a dad. Well I'd like to know. And also how can you come from Sardinia if you're a fish?

That's landmass isn't it? It is. That's undeniable. Yeah, does it have a coast? It certainly does. I have no idea where it is at all. No, but you're right. Can you have Turkish fish?

Are those fish Turkish? I suppose it depends where they're caught. Where is Sardinia? I think I might have been there. The hotel door, you didn't use the key to get it in. You had a key you put in at the bottom and rolled it off. I can't remember whether I was in one of the oil rooms or one of the tomato sauce rooms. Anyway.

It's next to Corsica. It's part of Italy. Okay. It's in the Med. Corsica where Napoleon came from. Yes, the Corsican Ogre. Is that what he was known as? He was nicknamed as, in the UK. I was in a sitcom many many years ago which I wrote. What was that? Shane? Yeah, and no no pre-Shane, Blue Heaven. Oh yeah I remember that. Do you know about Blue Heaven? No. I had to pretend I was insane to get out of working and so I did then this no one would even think of this but at the time

the idea that what people did when they were insane was they thought they were Napoleon that was the standard thing. So I went to the job center with my friend and I was in full Napoleon uniform and I remember the man behind the counter, they said he thinks he's Napoleon, the man behind the counter said can he speak French and he said course he can. He said let's hear him speak French. He said no, course he can, that's what he speaks. But I don't think there's a language no, Corsican. That's what he speaks. But I don't think there's a language such as Corsican, is there? It's dialect. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. You nailed it. Better joke than I thought. Yeah. You're introducing the people. It was a great joke Frank. You should start repeating. You should show that.

Of course, it's where corsets come from, apparently. Yeah, according to the woman from Stratford you bonavon oh man this is that I didn't get much sleep last night can you tell? Why what happened? I just woke up night men about twins. Have you still got those men shouting in your because you sometimes get that don't you from the park you get like all night. Yeah no I didn't hear any of that last night the coal tends to keep them out the way, okay, I got What have I got what I can't even what I've got kidneys Who knows? Who knows if I'd had a man I wouldn't remember

to be Who knows? If I'd had them out, I wouldn't remember. Do people have them out? Like a pen? Well, you can donate them to people, can't you? You can only give one at a time now, can't you? Oh, now you're telling me. You can't give them both. Nobody wants my... Our drunkard's liver is the problem. I haven't been to that pub. It's not a cosmetic procedure. I have my kidneys out. He's got turkey kidneys.

If I left my liver to medical science, they'd be able to use it to get the hard skin off the soles of their feet. After all those years of drinking, it's like a rock. Like, PAMIS. I saw it PAMIS, Mr Holmes. Oh, I love saying POMIS in a cockney accent. Can you only give one to a kidney? I don't know if I'll ever say it in any other accent ever again. I think you can't give both kidneys. No, just one. Or what's going to filter your liquids? My own business. Well, you'd have to mind your own business because the kidneys wouldn't be helping. How do we get to kidneys?

Oh yeah, because a woman said, oh my kidneys, of course. So you can't help me with that. I've never heard that. I like it. I mean, I might consider adopting it. Maybe it was a personal idiosyncrasy. Yeah. But I like it that she's put a twist on it.

It's quite medieval. She's not just gone for oh my days or shut up. Yeah. She's gone oh my kidneys. Shut up. No it's better than that. Yeah. Although I have to say I don't mind that. I don't mind that but I prefer God's Wounds.

Again you can only say I don't mind that. I don't mind that but I prefer God's Wounds. Again you can only say I can't have that. I know, I apologise Frank but it is Shakespearean, come on. What about sort of Odds Bodkins and all those other... Oh I can't, I don't like that. I don't even know what that means. Who says that, like rude mechanicals? Yeah, it's very rude mechanicals. But that one, shut up, you can only say that in really an Essex accent, can't you?

Rylan says it beautifully. But if you're saying it in Scottish, shut up, you are telling someone to shut up then. If you're too posh, did you hear that there's so and so's having an affair? Shut up. Yes, Tash is quite angry. Good, learn some discretion. Northern Ireland. Shut up!

I'm sorry. No one likes a toad. Learn some description. Good, learn some description. Northern Ireland. Shut up! I'm sorry! No one likes a tout. Oh my, oh my. I'm trying to think of something that might come from Northern Ireland that's like a sardine. Nye Bevan. Robbish. There's nothing.

Nadine Coyle? I heard a good story the other day. She's not from Northern Ireland, she's not like a sardine. I heard a good story the other day, if we have time to tell you. Go on, of course. That... you know, erm, EMF. What, your Unbelievable? It's unbelievable. Do you know them, Pierre? Unbelievable. Those guys. Someone was telling me that he went to see who's the big podcast guy?

The Pope. Simon. Is it? Is it? He used to work with Joe Cornish. Oh, Adam Boxer. Adam Boxer, I said Simon. And he got people in the audience to do, to try and come up with original ponds.

Oh yeah. Yes, yes. Their own ponds. Yes, they can be, they have to be un-Googleable, I think, is one of the rules. They can't come up. Okay. Yeah. Try Goog is one of the rules. Okay. Come up. Okay Yeah, try googling Shipman's prescription Anyway, Frank so

The one they came up with is oh do the band who did? unbelievable keep warm Okay Yeah, so this is the emf. Yeah. So this is EMF? Yeah. Oh, EMFs. EMFs. Yeah. So it's quite cute. And so this guy knows someone who's in EMF. And he told him this just to say, you know, you thought it might, because I think it's on a podcast. Yeah. Yeah said that's a brilliant idea and now they're going to do merch, EMF, earmuffs. No.

That is such a good idea. We're going to have to start selling our own coins. Gold coins. Frank off the radio, commemorated at last. No, I'm sticking with Nimone. We don't have to clear it with Nimone to market her sovereigns? I don't think so. I don't know if I would. I bet nobody asked Churchill.

But I'm sure, I can't imagine, can you imagine us waking up saying in the high court today, Nimone versus Skinner. Photo of me like in a big pile of coins with my head just coming out the top. Photo of her looking furious. I suppose she'd want a cop. And I'd like you walking into the Royal Courts of Justice with a very spiffy barrister. She'd say like... With very dyed hair and pinstripe sort of wide boy suit. She'd say it was damaging to my career and I said I need... Because people think I'm on UK gold.

And Nimona would just say, I just want my life back Frank Skinner. Yeah exactly, oh man. Yeah I want my life back says Nimona. Picture of her and they've sort of drawn a coin, the edge of a coin around her crying face. And then a picture of Frank, greedy, skinner. Exactly. Oh, if only it could happen. How did it even happen that the moon is on the sovereign? We'll never know. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at avalonuk.com.