The Frank Skinner Show - Three-Cornered Hat

Episode Date: June 6, 2025

This week Frank has been to Cornwall for a Poetry Festival, stayed somewhere special and felt rather hungry on the train home... There's also more Whatsapp jingle offerings. Send yours to [e-mail] or on Whatsapp [phone]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Follow the podcast on X and Instagram, you can email the podcast via frankoftoradio at avelonuk.com. You can WhatsApp us on, right, I'm gonna try someone else's sent us a WhatsApp jingle. That wasn't it, that was my phone being on. I'm gonna fess up to that. I love this podcast. What do you think of this, baby? Oh, seven, four, five, seven. I'm not sure about the end. I like the end.

I don't like the note of alarm in his voice. No, I don't. There's a Serge Gainsbourg thing called something like, I think it translates as something like 69, the anniversary of love or something like that. That sounds very Serge Gainsbourg. It was released in 1969, he obviously couldn't resist the temptation. What I didn't like was even 69, as if I'm afraid it's that time. Anyway, that was, yeah, exactly. Yeah, as if he's had so much 69, it's become a chore.

Oh God. It can happen, of course. So, do you want to try, do you want to try one more of these? This is by the way, in case you haven't got it, it's our WhatsApp number. Yeah. Okay, and here our WhatsApp number. Yeah. Okay. And here's another version. That's jolly, isn't it? And I love the auto-tune. Toxic positivity. Yeah, that was, that was good. And no laconic references to oral sex, which

also helped. Makes them sound much more child friendly. And then there's another one, oh blowjobs. Oh Frank, don't say that. If they're going to set up a genre. Yeah, but they use the numerical euphemism. Yeah, they did. That jingle sounded like I was waiting for a voice to go, make sure you get permission from the bill payer before calling it. It was very early Saturday morning TV. It was good though, it really picked me up. I've got to say I mean I love number one in a complicated way yeah but I also number two in a way I like to think you'd listen to both depending on your mood. Yeah number two was upbeat and contained seeds of flattery. Well the first one was lo-fi wasn wasn't it? It was a bit, it was like home with the Mumford's.

I'm loving our TED talk on our jingles. Yeah, it's good though. Whereas the second one was just fun. Yeah. And when I'm saying fun, I'm putting it in block capitals. Fun. Bavarian children's show. I think only on local radio is fun truly quantified and seen as a real tangible thing. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. There is another one, but I'm going to save it for the next podcast. I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, so I say. Or I said, I believe Winston Churchill said when his entire cabinet were going to travel

in an airship and they thought it was a mistake in case they were all white tatters, he said, I don't want to put all my baskets in one egg. Oh, Churchill and his quips. I forgive him. He could almost forgive him. His current problematic... Stature? Yes. Yeah, he was the one person who seemed to be on touch by all that. Even Dresden, he

got through that without too much bad press. Yeah, and it was quite a jumpsuit he wore. I was going to say, he got a terrible terrible write up in the Dresden Chronicle. They were furious with him. They could have found the offices. Anyway, so I was in Cornwall at the weekend. Oh, what were you doing there? Surfing?

Not surfing, no. Can you imagine me surfing? Absolutely not. Yeah, I was doing fox pops with surfs. What were you doing there? Surfing? Not surfing, no. Can you imagine me surfing? Absolutely not. Yeah, I was doing fox pops with surfs. Have you ever done paddle boarding? They used to have a series of medieval peasantry thing called the surfs. Where are you all coming from? Arvals made of mud and urine.

And Papa Serf would be hardly like the elder of the village, he was like 28. Anyway, I... So you're in Cornwall? Yeah. The reason I was in Cornwall is there's a Cornish poet called Charles Corsley. Oh, you do have mentionit poet called Charles Corsley. Oh, you do have mentionitis with Charles Corsley. I know. So they've got a thing called that... I thought it was the Launceston Poetry Festival,

but I found out from speaking to locals it's Lanson. Ah. You know when you go somewhere and they've just... It's not the spelling, one of those. The UK is covered in tripwires like that. Yeah, it is. It is. I kind of love it. not the spelling, one of those. The UK is covered in tripwires like that. Yeah, it is. I kind of love it. I love catching people up.

But when Americans are saying lice-ester and stuff, and everyone's very tearing into them, what do I spell it like that? Well, it's some tiny village that's called, you know, Marlborough Ragnum, and they go, it's Mug-num. It's not, though, is it? Well, also when people say Cliveden, it will happen. And what is it? Cliveden?

Cliveden, yeah. You see, I was many, many years ago before I was attached. I remember talking to an Irish lady at an event. Her model. Yeah. And she, and I said, what's your name? And she said something like veld. And I said, how do you spell that? And she said PJ, AA, ND, something like that. And you just think, wow, I feel so proud when I say the name right. Don't just put your hand in the scrabble sack. And also it's had things like aretes and umlauts and oh yeah, very complicated.

Still, we're all different. That's important. So, while I was down there, several things happened, one of which is a slight reprieve of themes we've discussed recently, but nevertheless. Can I say, did you go on your own? I went on my own, yeah. I don't have an entourage. And also corn, if you say to your management company, I've got a thing in so-and-so, I'll come, I'll come to that. If you've got a thing in corn, well they're not cute, you know. Too far. Anyway, I went to have a look at

Charles Corsley's birthplace. I just thought I'd go and have a check it out. And his birthplace, quite handy, his birthplace and his grave are about a hundred yards apart so you can kill two landmarks with one milestone. So I couldn't find the birthplace I was wandering about. And a guy came up to me and said, oh, Mr Skinner, how are you? And... What, in the graveyard? Just outside, I was trying to find the birthplace cottage. You wouldn't want that sort of thing in a graveyard.

No. A hooded figure approached. He wasn't hooded. He knew my name. It's a bit random being chatted on by a man in a graveyard. If there's a hooded figure in a country graveyard, it's the village goth. Almost always, but less siding. Anyway, he said to me, I said, do you know where the cause of the birth?

Certainly, I'm walking that way, I'll show you. Also have you been to the graveyard? I said, yeah, I've just been in there. He said, and you notice he gave me lots of details and I said, oh, well, you're very up on it. He said, I'm Rob and I said, oh, nice to meet you. I said, what do you do? He said, I'm the town crier. I said, wow. And he said, yeah, since 1977. What? Wow! He's been crying all that time. Crying!

Oh, and I said, is it in the boot? Meaning the bell. Oh! And he said, no, I only really use it on formal occasions. I said, no, I thought it might be like a spontaneous. I sort of saw it, I think, as sort of Mary England alerts. Yes. So it could be, you know, someone's been sick outside the rose and crown, really instant. What's the point of having to blow it with a bell? You know, no printing required. If it's all going to be formalized and stuff like that.

I wonder if it was like a tabloid town cryer. Really sexual scandalous. The Reverend Jackson is having an affair. Bolting out of the pub where they've overheard it. But he was incredibly helpful. I mean, what's the chances of bumping into the town crier? And for him to cry for you one on one off duty. Yeah, exactly.

Don't cry for me, Argentina. Does he wear the garb? Don't cry for me, Rob Tremaine. So he's presumably got all the garb. Well, I asked him about it, but again, it's a... because I'd met the mayor, the lady mayoress. Look, arc at you. Well, this is is it you see. It's Trompton, mayors, towncriers. Yeah, apparently some kid asked Rob Tremaine whether he was the mayor of Trompton once

at an event. Oh dear. A three-cornered hat and all that. Oh, it didn't go well. But the mayoress, she had the gold but she wouldn't go with the erming. Now I find them more sort of quite, it's just you know civil service figures now the mayor, it's a bit more Jackie Weaver. Do you know what I mean? They don't tend to be, they don't have the fanciful garb they once used to.

Well I mean she had, I think she has to wear it sometimes. Ceremonial but you want them to do... They wear it over a sort of next black suit. I'd always have the three-quartered hat in the glove compartment. You want more quaffing, you want more we're sailing. You'd have the full dick. In the winter, I'd be glad of the ermine. But the dry cleaner's bills if you walk through a puddle.

Oh yeah. Yeah, but you wouldn't... What footwear do mares wear? I think it's little buckled shoes. I'm guessing they... What buckle? They're fancy dressing, they just have a pair of Nike Airs. Oh no.

On stocking legs. Oh no, you're right, they must have a Puritan buckle. Little buckles, surely. Surely a Puritan buckle, Frank. Doc Martens. I don't know. I mean, she was basically a woman who had a big gold chain around the neck. That was the full extent of her cosplay.

She could have just been a drama teacher. Big necklaces. No, but this was... It was the mayoral chain. It was proper. I said, is it gold? She said, oh yes, it's all gold. I said, where's it kept? She said, I can't tell you that. Because she we did a gig, Pierre, in, I think, Ipswich. Yes. And a man led us to this vault in the theater. It was sort of in the corridor, the safe.

And he said, guess what's in there? And I think you guessed it straight away and really spoiled his. I did ruin it for him, yeah. You did that thing of, you know. Oh, yeah, I hate it when you do that. You know things. When you guess the wrong way the wrong way on how much I paid for this. One P. You're so happy. I could.

How much was this? And I say five couldn't you go? Oh, no, it was. It was eight. It was still pretty. Oh, no. You did that. I did.

I said, if it was like sort sort of 70s sci-fi show, go, and the wall would have gone translucent. Yes. I would have seen with the power of deduction and autism. Yes. Said something is like, is it the mayoral change? Let him have a bit of theater. He's not reading the queue. Well I just thought, what's the only valuable thing in the possession of the town of Ipswich? It's a big golf chain. He's treating it like a genuine quiz rather than just some sort of social contract. Can I say, before you're negative about Ipswich, my dog came from Ipswich. What about that?

Strange flex, okay. From I think the same road where Thingy grew up. Dogs are always from Ipswich or Hampshire. Are they? Yes. And there's always some sort of a leather sofa in the property. It happened. Yeah. Now she was in a playpen when I went to pick her up. Oh was she? What a child's playpen. Yeah she was the last puppy and all the rest had been taken and she was the last one.

Oh, was she the last puppy? The woman said something like, well, thank goodness, because Emmy's teats can't take anymore. Well, it's not the first time I've said that. No. 69. Anyway. We're going to attract a vile demographic.

Yeah, what again? Anyway, I've trailed a vile demographic around these fair shores for nearly 40 years. Frank, don't say that! I've never done me any harm. You've got an absolutely lovely demographic. Yep. I have. So I stayed, now this is the Crocs. I don't want to know about the Crocs. They said to me, they said we can put you in a hotel. Did they? What? What hotel though? That's the thing. No, I think there is a nice, we can put you in a hotel with all the poets.

And I thought, well that would be quite nice. Very quiet at breakfast, some weeping, some scribbling. Well. It'd be up all night though. Yeah. So they said, all you can stay in Charles Corsley's house. I said, well, obviously I want to stay in Charles Corsley's house. You're becoming like a sort of post-Mortem house guest for a lot of Britons. Yeah, because we stayed in Dylan Thomas's house. I love what you're saying, Wordsworth, yeah, I've got Skinner coming next week. But with Dylan Thomas, it was great staying there, but I don't think there was any of

his stuff there, was there? It was all furniture of the period. They had some of his notes or something, didn't they? Did they? Yeah, maybe, I don't know. I don't think they did. Yeah. Okay. But anyway, this one, it's got like Charles's

bookcase with all his books in, his typewriter, his furniture, his work desk. So the property has stayed in the family? Well, it's owned by the trust. Oh, so it's kind of a big deal. It was, yeah. So I thought because there's two rooms, because he lived with his mom. Oh, is he a Doctor Who fan? I don't know. I mean, he lived long enough. He died like 2004. Oh, God, really? Yeah. Oh, okay. I'm going to have to reassess where I was placing this man.

Where were you putting him? I was thinking passed away 1960. I'll tell you what I had him down for. I had him very much a sort of 1920s, 30s at his peak. Anyway, continue. No, he said you can hear him on Desert Island Discs. I thought he was a war post. Which I think I hate to say it was back in 69. Oh, it was. I think it was. So he was alive long enough to have opinions on the Spice Girls? I'd love to have heard those.

Yeah. Well, he was a school teacher a lot of his life, so he probably was. Oh, they're often school teachers. He would have been a bit like Alan Shearer when asked his favourite Spice Girl. And he says, I have no opinion on that, I have a lovely wife and children. Media training at its most. It leaves nothing. That's a sort of scorched earth media training. No personality left behind at all, just smouldering. I'll tell you who else they did that to was Ryan Giggs. Do you remember in the early days? We didn't work with him.

Well, I know it didn't, but you know, at least his soul is singing a bit more openly now. They steal their souls. Anyway, as you were. So he was a big musician guy as well, so he's got his pianos there. They said, you know, you can play on his piano. I can't play piano. That reminds me, do you remember that joke about, he was told by a gay man many years ago who, I can't tell the whole joke, but anyway, a mate of his goes back with his old gay man and the man plays songs from the musicals on the piano and his friend sings and that's

the full extent of the evening, but it's very unusual. And the next night, he goes back with the old guy and the old guy sits down at the piano and starts playing songs from the shows and the man says, anyway, I can't sing, so I shagged him. That's how it ends. MARK MANDELBAUM – Ha ha ha ha! – – –

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That was the European Championships. Carbors galleon! Yeah, I got the wrong opening. Is she still around Furtado? I don't know, didn't she become a sort of cyber man? Did she? Wasn't she in a big... Is that the wrong one? Maybe I'm thinking of the wrong... Who was the one who was... Katy Perry? Who's helicopter crashed and she's got like a tungsten spine or something like that. Oh, don't know about that do you, Pierre? Find out about the helicopter crash at tungsten spine.

She's another Latino type singer. Okay, okay. Anyway, you... She's got a type in tungsten spine, R&B artist. No, not R&B, more Latino. Meanwhile, back to Frank in the studio telling us about Charles Causley. So, here's what happened. I got back on the night. Got your own? Yeah, on my own.

What are you meaning? What, you were on your own in this house? Yeah. That's frightening, I think. Well, you know what I'm like with the nether world. So have you found out you're making me anxious and you've stopped tuning into the show? I'm listening. You're just looking at your phone. He's looking up facts. I was ordered to look up a tungsten spined Latino singer. Not by me. No, it was by me. Listen, okay, have you looked it up?

No, there's nothing. Okay, fine. It'll come to me. Yeah. The producer probably knows. Yeah, she'll probably look it up. Anyway, Frank. I look like a really famous Latino female singer.

Okay, Frank. Anyway. We'll get there. Can you please tell us what happened in Charles Portsmouth now? So I got into Charles Portsmouth, there's two bedrooms. Did you have a key to get in? Yeah. Okay. It's called Cypress Well, the house. Already it sounds creepy. So I got in there and I got back, I don't know, it was dark and I hadn't been feeling too good, I'll be honest with you. I had an illness last week, so I needed to sleep. The reason I was at this festival, I was going to do an hour talking about two of his poems.

So like doing my poetry podcast, but live, which I've never done before. And then I was going to interview a poet for an hour. So I had, you know, I'd stuff on my mind. Anyway, I got in the house and there's two bedrooms, there's a double bed where the mom slept and he's single bed, Charles is single bed. Yeah, so I thought, well, if I'm asleep in his house, I'm asleep in his bed, you know. Even though it's a single? Even though it's a single, yeah, I'm fine with that. He likes that because it's kind of a penance thing or something? But then when the lights went off, I mean, I was shitting myself. I was absolutely shitting myself. For a start off, it's got two main ghost things, a piano downstairs. I mean, there aren't many ghosts who can resist a midnight keyboard.

I mean, that's a standard thing with ghosts. Yeah. Were there billowing curtains? My eyes are tight. Did they say of course, did they say sentences that ended with things like, this very night? Yeah, well, nine. He's been dead nine on ten years. I opened, I hope, yeah, when I spoke to the housekeeper, Mr Harrison, but he died in World War II.

I think you'll find the town crier was murdered in 1977. 1969 it was. You know, like the sex thing. Yes, I know. A very important year for us here. Ring any bells? You know, sound cry? Anyway so...

That's when Larkin does his haunting. So I was waiting for the piano and the other thing which always frightens me is Ghost calling for assistance. What do you mean? Well because I knew in the park... The AA. The AA. Hello, I wonder if you can help me.

I've got a bit of a problem. My ghostly chariot has broken down on the A4. I thought you meant Alcoholics Anonymous. Because there were spirits. Oh God. The ghosts don't make phone calls. What I mean by call for assistance is Mrs Causley's voice going, Charles! Charles! Charles, Charles. Charles, when will you leave home?

You know the classic. Charles, stop watching Doctor Who. You know, this building used to be a Victorian hospital. Nurse, three o'clock in the morning, nurse. I could not sleep. I didn't sleep at all. Two nights. My response was to laugh, nastily. What ghost could be more murderous than a poet who lived with his mother? I opened all the curtains and stuff. I want to get as much light into this room as possible.

Night light though? No, just moonlight. Ghosts don't enjoy night life. Ghosts don't go to the discos. Ghosts don't like electric light. People feel completely safe. But I was damned if I was going to sleep with a light on. I enjoyed that you thought, well, I'll fill the room with the least spooky type of light. Moonlight! The light! I'll put a candle in this skull! I'll keep the ghosts away. Yeah, but here's my thinking.

There was a bedside lamp. That was the light, the bedside lamp. Oh, carry around an oil lamp. And I thought if I sleep with this on and the bulb goes in the night, then I'm lost. Then I'm completely lost. Can I ask what you were wearing in bed? A big long robe and a hat with a bubble on it. I'm just saying, I want to establish.

I had a sweatshirt and a pajama trousers. Okay. So if I had to run into the street, it wouldn't have been ludicrous. No, so you could have some Scrooge nightcap or something. No. But didn't you feel better because Cornwall is the kind of place where if the locals have the chance to warn you about a ghost, they really will. And no one had done that. Well I spoke to a member of the Corsley Trust after the second night of not sleeping at

all. I finally got off to sleep when sun came up, because I thought I wasn't so frightened. Oh God. Anyway, and she said... And then he's even talking like a ghost, when sun came up. He can't give a time. This is what Mrs. Corsley said. Thanks. So she said, I spoke to a woman from the Trust and she said, how was you in Charles's house? I said, I'll be straight with you, I haven't slept a wink, I was so frightened that him

or his mom was going to manifest. And she said, I've slept there half a dozen times. I said, oh well, I was terrified. She said, hold it. You didn't sleep without the light on. She said, I wouldn't sleep there without the light on. Really? Yeah.

She said, no way. She said, I'd never get to sleep. And I said, yeah, well, I experienced it. She said, I don't sleep in his bed, I sleep in the mom's bed. I said, there's no way I'm sleeping in a ghost bed that's a double. I woke up next to some terrifying apparitions in my time. Yeah. 69! Yeah, welcome. With their feet on the pillow. Did you say at one point, Anne? No, but imagine waking up and the mum's in with you in the same bed.

What do you mean? We're saying, how will we break it to Charles? That's a new stepfather. Why would the mum be wild downstairs? Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da And then you say to the woman, and the piano, what piano? There hasn't been a piano there for like 30 years. What if there was Scott Joplin at 4am?

Why would it be? Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Ghosts love the Jazz age don't they? Oh no, they do. I think he liked, I think Charles liked a sort of English folk, turn of the century type of a thing. What I quite like about you is you get sort of crushes on poets I find. He's your current crush? Well I don't know if he's my current crush, It's just that I was doing his, you know,

it's his, he grew up in that place and then he went and fought in the war and then he came back to this place and taught there. And like I say, his grave's about 100 yards from his birthplace. I mean he's as lancin' as you can git. But you can't always git what you want in my experience. What happens if you try sometimes? You just might faan. Git what you need. You can what?

You can git what you need. Git. Yeah. Git. We haven't, we've discovered who you were talking about. The producer. Oh, okay. Gloria Estefan. Of course. I suffered a spinal injury in 1990. Oh, it was a car. Sorry. Also, this is episode 69. This is episode.

Shut up. The ghostly hand of... The ghostly... That is weird. What is this? Sois nerf. Sois nerf. Yeah, okay. Okay. I said the same thing. I just said it with much more confidence and a bit quicker. So that's the key to French I've decided. Yes, barrel in there.

Anyway, I got through it and the thing went, the thing I did went, went all right. People seem to like it. How do they respond, these poetry crowds? Do they go, are they like my father? Well, I did some jokes. I did some jokes. Do they click their fingers? Oh, I hate that.

Yeah, that makes me feel ill. The sound? They do that a lot now. That's come back now. It's a drag thing now. I tried to get them. Oh, do they? What is it?

They do it at comedy gigs now sometimes, Frank. It's a drag thing. It's a drag thing now. I tried to get them... I don't know what is it? They do it at comedy gigs now sometimes Frank. It's a drag thing. It drags boy. You go like that. Do they? Instead of clapping to show approval. I've never heard that saying something that I've never heard. Everyone, my audience have been arthritic for finger clicking. You just hear it when they stand up. I just flick their arteries. Very similar sound. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Frank Skinner. Oh, with bats gone again. Oh, now I've never heard of that. Are you not? They do it sometimes in support groups like you know, AA and stuff like that. So many new things. Someone was telling me about a prank, a famous prank where you get something like three animals. Let's say, do you know this one? Say if it was three dogs, you spray them one, two and four and release them into some building and people get them and then

they spend their time looking for number three. Robbish prank. S.S. Surely the prank aspect is when you release a load of wild pigs. A. Exactly. That's the prank. S.S. Not the admin. A. It's the thing. But you know this, you have to spray it with numbers and stuff. God people, they don't get the joy of comedy. Anyway, so I got the train back and it was crammed, absolutely crammed, the train to Paddington. First class?

I was first class but you wouldn't know because it was Sunday, where there is no first class. What about when you've got first class and then they, via a deal can I say, not in an extravagant way. No, this was paid for by the festivals. Yeah, and then they deregulate it. Oh, it's care. Declassify. No, this was paid for by the festivals. Yeah, if it's paid for. That wasn't me. And then they deregulate it. Oh, it's terrible. Declassify.

Declassify, is that what it is? Yeah, but this was, it hadn't been, but it was so busy. And then they said there will be a trolley in first class and there wasn't. The thing is they'd given me, a lady from the festival had given me this fab, is it called Tiger bun? Tiger bread, Tiger buns, yeah. Tiger bread. It was like a stripey thing and cheese coleslaw. And clearly I was never going

to get any food, even though they promised a trolley. It was a lie. Great Western Railways. Thanks. And I thought what I've got. And then I realized I'd left it in the fridge. The ghosts were eating it. Did you leave it with coarsely? I left it with the coarsely. Oh my coarsely. And there was a kid next to me, some kid, one of these kids listening to his phone without headphones. Do you let Boz do that?

I mean, I know he's old enough to do his own thing now, but when he was younger... I don't know whether I do or not. Oh, okay. Glad you cleared that up. What was the kid watching out of interest? Football clips, which is more acceptable. Boo. I'm not sure it's ever acceptable.

But anyway, a lady, I don't know, it may have been his mom or an aunt or something, kept giving him chicken legs. I got a hot dog. She had a hot dog himself. I'm sitting, I am so starving. She had a massive bag and she was walking around and these kids said, do you want, now I've had enough. Medieval jugglers coming in. Yes, it's like a three or whatever it is. Ontra Venison for the loud boys. Oh man, it was absolutely, this trolley they kept mentioning, I swear, which never came.

The ghost trolley. Waiting for that is horrible when it doesn't. All I had was a gnome joystick. Do you know gnome? What? It's like a chewy, tiny... A gnome? A tiny chewy. Hang on, hang on. G-N-O-M-E. No, N-O-I-M. Did you find this in Charles Causley's cover? No. It's like, I think it might be made by Haribo. Really? It's like a little tiny chewy stick and I add it in, I'd have a little bit of it and

re-wrap it to keep me going. This kid next to me, Henry the Apes sitting next to me throwing chicken legs over his shoulder. The ox is turning on its spit in the aisle. A pig is brought in with an old apple in its mouth. Yeah, number three on its back. And I was eating a bloody gnome joystick. I'm trying to find this. I can only find gnome Chomsky. Oh, well no. He should bring out food. He invented them.

Chomsky sounds like a, it does sound like a very foodie name. I was so distraught. Oh, I found them, the strips. Yeah, they're strips. Oh, you mean, Mauam? Oh, is that what it is? Yeah, Mauam. Oh, I'm sorry.

Chairman Mauam. I couldn't read by then, my body, my blood sugar was so low. You were reading it as Noam, the biblical name. I was so hysterical, I got a black cap at Paddington. That's very unlike you. Oh, you can't take it with you. Yeah, I just sat there and sit and stare at the meter that confronted with like 30 quid. Yeah, it's always what I could have spent. Well, think of what I could have spent this on. I think I'm gonna need joysticks. Imagine the Malhomes you could have bought for that. I've got a freedom pass in my pocket. If I were to walk to the bus stops about a mile, that 30 quid is still be in my pocket. Often

the trolley disappears because someone has left a matchstick or perhaps a small hair in the aisle and they decide that the trolley can't quite make it. Is that what it is? Sometimes, yeah. I think, look, first class on a Sunday doesn't exist basically. They charge you for it. The price exists, but you get nothing. No.

Nothing. It's like the last days of GMTV, first class on a Sunday, isn't it? All normalcy goes out the window. I was actively breathing in the steam from this kid's cheeky leg. The Tudor banquet is so cruel. Like a cartoon character on a desert island over on Ranji's becoming meat or hot dog faces. Yeah, it's like being a catwalk model. I had a couple of bags of tissues that kept me going. Before we go, I just want to say something very quickly. They're not the only people to say this. We'll get to this in the next podcast. It needs to be discussed, but just as a sample, 881, the photo of Kat's Ghostbusters cake. 2025's version of the Tipton Slasher's monkey. I just want Kath to know.

There's a lot of pressure. I want to put it. Maybe I'll text her and see if I can put it on the thing. We've had so many people getting in touch about the cake. But she's so ashamed of it. I should have said it was mine, as she suggested. They're not be getting offers from Jane Asher. Yeah, Celebrity Bake Off. No, but you should go on Celebrity Bake Off.

I've just turned it down. Why? Well, they sent me a, I was due to do it and then they sent me a list. And what was it? Of things and advice like practicing shoe pastry in the run-up. And? So then I didn't do it. What if you did it?

They said you can do your signature cake. Do you have one? What are you talking about? Single Malam strip. I meant to do my signature cake. And they said if you don't have one, you can just get, look in one of your cookbooks and modify. What do you mean one of my cookbooks? Not books about cooking.

You think I'm going to read that actually? Books about cooking. I'll get, I might have to sift through my coffee books. Make sure they get them out the way. Every round you present Paul Hollywood with just a cheese sandwich. I think you should go on it and do a real like Dadaurist bake-off. I've pulled out, no. I was going to say, do it and have Kath stand behind you and put her arms under your arms,

and then she can do it and you can stand and take the credit. She's ashamed of her baking, you can pretend to be an amazing baker. Yeah, I don't know if Kath robbing against my bat might have got me a bit over excited. I don't actually want you to do this, Bapov, because I'm worried. It's my wife, it's my wife I can say that. I'm just worried that you might say something rude like cookbooks. No, well I'm not doing it now, I've withdrawn. I'll probably find... Withdrawn?

It's so informal, I've withdrawn. Yeah I'll probably find I would have been on with like David Tennant, Matt Smith and Steve Moffat or something like that. They're baking a big marzipan tartar. Oh no, I hope it's not that. I hope it was terrible people that were on my episode. Soon find out. It's Frank of the Radio, Frank of the Radio, Frank of the Radio. It's the Frank Skinner podcast, don't you know. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and

follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via frankofftheradioatavalonuk.com.