The Frank Skinner Show - Tradwife

Episode Date: March 21, 2025

In this episode of the podcast Frank has been invited to an unusual event and has accidentally blanked a megastar. The team also discuss screaming at gigs, wrestling crocodiles and there's been emails in about capybaras. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with Fizz. Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. It's Fred off the radio, featuring him and that posh lady-o. And the one with the French name, from Africa came they're all here open brackets array close brackets today hey this is Frank off the radio I'm joined by Emily Dean

and Pierre Novelli follow the podcast on X and Instagram you can email the podcast via flankofftheaudioatavalonuk.com No! You can WhatsApp us on 07457 417 769 Is that Brian Walden? It is Brian Walden, it's actually better than Steve Coogan's Brian Walden It's very good There aren't many, I can't give any other impression I do better than Steve Coogan's Brian Walden. It's very good. And he's recently played. There aren't many, I can't give any other impression I do better than Steve Coogan.

But he's Walden, he's iffy. Goodness, really. There you go, said it. His cane is absolutely superlative though. What? Coogan's Cain. Coogan's Cain. Oh, I thought you meant, Coogan's Cain and Abel, do they know's Cain. Oh, I thought you meant Cain and Abel. Do they know

how they spoke? It's Cougan's biblical impressions. Yeah, you should hear my ham son of Noah. Or father! It's him. How do you think Noah spoke, Frank? I think he was a bit like this. Yeah, just bring them in, bring them in. Okay, there's three, but what difference does it make? I think he was quite, um, in-browbeaten. Oh, you're right. By God. Do you know what? He had a lot on. He did, yeah.

I should say we're recording this. Um, it's not live, obviously, but we're recording it on the feast of, um, Saint Joseph, the spouse of the Blessed Virgin, who I identify with, because in my little family, we have exactly the same status. Child, most important. Mother, second most important. Father, so far back in the rank of importance, you could barely be seen. I hate to say this, I don't, I quite love to say it. I think you've elevated your status there because you've missed out a crucial family member who I think might rank third. That's true. I guess that

would be the dog. Poppy. Yes but I don't know if they had, well they had those animals in the stable even then. Yeah. He was probably behind a cow, Joseph. One of the donkeys. Someone to lean on, I always think, behind a cow, Joseph. One of the donkeys. Someone to lean on, I always think, with a cow. You've got the opposite of a trad wife set up. I don't know what a trad wife is. Yeah, familiar? I am a traditional wife.

Oh, it's huge, Frank, it's huge. It's a massive thing on TikTok and Instagram. They are huge as well, most of them. Bernard, get out. Oh my God. So a trad life. I thought, what do you mean it's huge? I thought it had gone.

No, it's a whole refresh. So what it's about, it's quite, is it not? Not in our house. Is it largely an American thing, isn't it? And it's all about dressing in, it's a bit Stepford Wife, if I'm honest. They put up these videos, they say, I'm a full-time homemaker.

And yeah, the whole aesthetic is about, hi, I'm baking cakes today for my husband. I don't wanna work, I don't wanna do that. I just wanna raise my kids and make cookies. And they wear beautiful sun dresses. There's a sort of sub-genre, cause it's so American, there's the kind of suburban

cookie-making wife genre, and then there's the kind of little house on the prairie kind of homestead wife version. Kingdom. Yeah, Kingdom, and sort of up early to milk the cows. How has this happened? What, to add wives? You know, I was talking recently, like Sabrina Carpenter's manager saying, no, we're stuck in the suspenders, that'll be great.

That'll show us. That'll show how free you are. And her saying, but doesn't it look kind of like the old sexist objectivization of, it looks like it, but we know different. That thing. He said he's happening with the trad wife. Yeah. So the idea is like, I think it's happening in influencer world more than in the real world. Well, I don't know. It's also happening. It's

a sort of slightly JD Vance inspired thing as well. That whole thing. It's going to be great. But it's not in England. Yeah, there are some trad wives here. Women will proudly call themselves in their Insta bio or something. I think we have to be careful here because I think that the wave having flowed is beginning to ebb and we need, what are those wooden things? Groins? Groins that you get on beaches. Oh yes, groins. I didn't know what groins were. Susie Ruffall told me about groins. We need groins. I love Susie Ruffall. One of those people who has a tremendously

positive energy about her. She's also, I may have said this before, one of the best varsity Jackie I've ever seen in my life. So you're not, but you don't embrace the trad wife? Well first I don't embrace. A we're not married, B we haven't embraced since the early 2000s and I wouldn't mind Kath adopting a sliver of the trad wife but basically I know my place and I stay there. Yes. Yeah. But no, Kathy's not. Is your philosophy happy wife, happy life? If it was I'd be in major trouble. Let's put it this way, I was out with the dog. Furious wife, curious life. I was out with the dog. I'm wearing that t-shirt. No, I was out with the dog No, I was with my dog and we went past this woman was talking to a bloke and she suddenly burst out laughing

Laughing. Sorry. I went back to the black country. She suddenly burst out laughing the dog jumped about six inches in the air He hadn't heard a woman laugh She hadn't heard a woman laugh I got my pronouns wrong on my own pet. Tread dog. Tread dog. Not trad dog either. There are some quite fun stories though of people sort of getting inspired by these influences who, you know, they'll pose on some, on the homestead, on the spread, with a sort of basket of kind of slightly muddy carrots.

But otherwise. It's always about baskets of. baskets of produce. Yeah. The nature, nature's bounty, but they look pristine, you know? And so people think, look at that and think, Oh, I'll move to a homestead. I will go back to a traditional frontier life. And then after a day of sort of hacking at the frozen earth with a hoe, they go, Oh, this is all, actually you can't really look pristine and farm turnips in the Pennsylvanian winter. I honestly, it sounds sinister to me. More tradwife. The tradwife thing.

Some of the imagery is a bit, we shall rebuild, there's an aspect of that to it. Yeah, but I think- People pointing at the horizon. It's a bit more of men pulling a bit of a fast one you know you look you look great when you're scrubbing the floor darling Don't fall for it girls Is there is a story I think of this is not a trad wife tale I live very near to a pub called

I live very near to a pub called the Magdala. The Ruth Ellis pub? Yes, the Ruth Ellis pub, which is Ruth Ellis, the last woman to be hanged in Britain, 1955. Her lover, David Blakely, was sitting in the pub and she could see him with another lady. And so when he came out she shot him several times and killed him. So there's been always been controversy around the pub. The London murder to a van is seen outside you know they come and have a look at it. There was bullet holes in the pub and then someone said that they weren't real and then we found that he was trying to turn it into luxury flats. Anyway, I got an email this week which said, coming coming soon, April the 10th, is the 70th anniversary of the day that Ruth Ellis shot. So to commemorate the occasion, we're putting on an evening of reflective performances and I thought,

hold on, isn't this a murder? Who are they going to be reflecting on Albert Pierpoint? I mean, it's a murder! I mean, who are they going to be reflecting on Albert? Pier Point? I mean, it's a murder! Reflective. Big dancing gun. Big sort of reenactment. In slow-mo. This is the clearest case of

Oh, it's alright when they do it. I've ever seen. If David Blatley had shot Ruth Ellis outside the pub, we would not be having an evening of reflective entertainment. No. You'd have... you only escalate to the sort of guided tour level if you're Jack the Ripper, I guess. No, I think the problem is... He gets a sort of tour... Are they asked for volunteers to perform on the night night. Oh Frank, don't get sucked in. I might go on...

No. Lord Soch and sea hounds of the river, carried on by four old age pensioners topless. I see the problem that this pub has is that obviously I understand that they want to sort of slightly cash in on the notoriety of the venue. I don't know if they do. I think it's a residence idea. I don't know if the pub is with it at all. Oh, I see, really. What they just want to have, but the reflective nature of it. Especially when we suggested 1955 prices for the night. You'd be a bit frighteneden of leaving the reflective performance in case someone's

really going into immersive theatre and blows the shit out of you as you step onto the page. Oh God, right. Do you think the pub is sort of against it? They've got a sort of bouncer saying, don't let me catch you reenacting any crime while you're in the snug. I don't know. I mean, Kath was saying, oh, we should go, that'll be enough. Maybe if you get involved. I said't know I mean Kath was saying oh we should go that'll be not maybe we could get involved. I said it's a murder. I don't go to the murder party. No I don't I don't like I'm uncertain about a reflective performance at the best of time. It's just not the kind of Russ Abbot atmosphere I seek out. No no I'm not

going. Okay. I can imagine lightning bednearing gunfire, you know, of course it's the 10th of April. Ellis night. And then it said that, it said that charity would be given to a woman's charity, the money. What for ammunition? Oh Frank, for God's sake. Yeah, for marksmanship. It's Frank of the Radio, Frank of the Radio, Frank of the Radio, it's the Frank Skinner podcast don't you know. Here's a thing that happened to me. Here is a thing. I went to see Richard II. Oh yes, how was that? I mean the play Richard II, not Richard II. It's not like, is this the face of Richard II? I hate those. You know those things. And and you think well it looks very like Richard the third

so they might you know might be might be in fact it also looks like Anne Boleyn it's just the same face with different hats. How was it Frank? You know what I'm gonna be honest with you there was a guy who played Richard the second and no disrespect to him. He won't be listening, but I'd never heard of him Okay, his name was his name is Jonathan Bailey. Yeah. Oh Frank. How can you not have heard of Jonathan Bailey? Well, he's one of the most famous men the producers laughing. He's the slightly sinister sexy man from wicked Don't call him sinister. He's sinister in college. Call him can call him sexy that's alright. It's alright when they say it. He's sinister in context because he's sort of much. He's sinister in context. Yes. Is going to be, if I ever go on X that's going to be what it says under my name. Have you not seen him in Wicked? I've never seen

Wicked. Oh. He's having something of a moment I think it's fair to say right now. No, he's definitely having a moment. I mean don't get me wrong, he's peng. Oh, okay. I'm not denying his pengness. Okay. But I was, it was, it was in the round, it was the bridge theatre. You've seen it haven't you? Yes, yeah, yeah. I love that he's still doing theatre when he's so massive. Not only is he not doing theatre, I'm bearing in mind I have no bias either way on him because he was a stranger to me. He was brilliant. Defensive? But he was, he was brilliant.

Was he? Yeah. I'm not starstruck, he was brilliant. Was he handsome as well? Could you objectively see he was attractive? He was peng, I said that. Don't draw extra pengs out of me. Don't extract the peng. No, exactly. So he had a penguin on the night. Anyway, it's in the round so I'm sitting facing the other front row, you know, the

opposite. Did he see you? No, he wasn't out. This was before it. It was just sat there. Okay, calm down. So there's one guy in the front row. Everyone else is like women under 25 in the front row.

Obviously, because he's, you know, for his for his pengness. I think that's how you say it. I don't know about that. That's how they describe it. But when he came out for the, well I say curtain call but there was no curtain, they screamed. They actually physically screamed. Like Harry Styles thing. Did this happen when you went as well? Yeah, there was also a lot of extremely high-pitched giggling whenever he said some of the sort

of funnier or more barbed Richard the Second lines. There was almost like a sort of home fans aspect to the reactions. Oh really? Are there any bawdy tavern scenes in that particular play? There's just sort of snide jokes really? Right, okay. So the jokes are like sort of within context as opposed to some of the usual, you know, and now the porter to waggle his bum sort of stuff.

Because there's one point like where he's just snorting coke. Yes. Oh, I don't remember that in the original. Well I think they're trying to show that, you know, power did go to his head a bit. But they were loving that, the girls. Did they? Scandalised by it. It was a kind of mafia bus, crossed with succession.

Was it modern day dress then? Because you know I have to... It was modern. Oh no, I can't do that. It didn't matter. What was great about it... And you know I saw what you do the other week and that was that was lots of gimmicks but still brilliant Shakespeare going on this one it was just it's like it's like the I think it was Nick Heitner production it's like he read

it and thought you know what this is really good I don't think it needs any facts or stuff I think the script will carry this and And that's what it was like. It was great. Bill, you've done it again. Have you ever, Emily, have you ever screamed in a theatrical, you know, at a gig or music band? Oh, I thought you meant on stage or off stage. Well, yeah, do you know what?

I think I've screamed at football, like England games when I've got involved but when at a theatre or a gig I'm about to tell you. If you've seen the Bay City Rollers before your time I know. No you're right I can't mention the one person I was a big fan of for reasons that I'm sure you can work out That was the equivalent around the same time as the Bay City Rollers. I won't talk about that person Oh, I think you can work out who it is. Oh, did he wear a silver suit? Yes, we won't discuss him. I have screamed.

I always thought in that suit he looked sort of oven-ready. There were two gigs I remember screaming at. I'm going to take you off that subject. I wish I'd never raised it. One was Nick Haywood. If you're familiar with his work. Of course. And I was dragged to his concert by a friend. I thought he was uncool. They always say that, I didn't really want to go. And then I was the one at the front, I was screaming. I was going, Nick! Nick! And I was a bit, she told everyone at school.

But you know, I love Nick Haywood. And then Bobby Brown. I got very caught up in one of his gigs when he was around the my prerogative era. Not merely Bobby Brown. No Bobby Brown who was married to Whitney Houston. Oh wasn't he beastly to her. Yes. Oh it's alright. It's funny isn't it, the league table of acceptability in 2025. I'm glad you've screamed. I'm presuming you haven't. Oh, just Nick Robinson, the BBC journalist. You screamed at him? Yeah, yeah. I was in the front row at question time. I was throwing my pants at him. I sometimes scream just generally at humanity.

Have you screamed at gigs? It's not really a boy thing is it? Only at humanity. Oh okay. These girls stood up to scream, I'd end up dropping my knees. Looking back I think Nick Hayward was a really pleasant choice. I'm comfortable with my choice. Can I ask about Nick Hayward's work? I don't know if I know. Frank will fill you in. Are you familiar with Nick Hayward? Oh, I don't know if I can come up with it. I saw him live. Well, he was in a band called Haircut 100.

Right. Love, love plus one. That was them, wasn't it? Yes, he had... I saw him live. Did you? He's still got an amazing voice. Is it still going? Yeah. I went on my own to Richard II.

How did that work out for you? Did you like it? You're quite confident. I think you're confident enough to do solo. Sometimes I just think, you know, it'll be nice. Why do you say that? I don you know, it'll be nice. Why do you say that? I don't know, I do feel that. And I got there and the woman said, I said, can I have a program please? She said, just the one. And I said, don't rob it in. And then she started sort of consoling me. But I always like the Edward Hopper thing where in the interval I just

sit on my own. I don't look at my phone, I just sit and stare. I mean mainly at the front, the opposite front row. Actually I could have stared at those young women if I wanted to because they've come to stare in a sexual way so why shouldn't I stare? What if I'd screamed? Yeah, a bear screaming. If I just looked at the front row in the interval and said, I'd go, woo! The bite of bit I'd be sure. How do you like that girls? The bite of bit. Do you like apples girls? I like her. Do you think, sorry I was going to say, do you think, how do you think Jonathan would react to the screaming? Do you think, sorry I was going to say, do you think, how do you think Jonathan would react to the screaming?

Do you think he would like it or he wished they wouldn't scream? His general demeanor was he really did take it in good heart and laughed and enjoyed it. I once saw, I'm not going to be able to remember his name now, Jude Law as Dr Faustus. And he had the young girls in and he, I could see he was getting a bit, he was trying to be a serious actor and he was going, oh, noises like that. You don't want the Nick Hayward crew in when you're trying to do your serious stuff. Trying to do Faustus? So I shall sell my soul to the devil.

Aaaaaaah! Let me stop filming you. Scream me. I'll buy it. I'll buy it, Jude. Shut up! Perform your alchemical tricks upon me. I'm trying to be shallow and greedy.

Don't trust him, Jude. He's a bad sword. I'm playing a part. I know it's the bloody devil. He's offering me all the kingdoms of the earth. What do you expect me to do? Oh man. I find it slow. What if I had screamed at the girls in the front row?

In court I could have said they started it. Here's a fun test. What is the most, who's the most screamable sort of person who would be in a play now, do we think? Well, it's gotta be someone, you know, he's a bit old because his fans are a bit more civilized. No offense, young girls. But we're out of control, you know, when we're younger. Yeah.

Who's the most screamable? I would say the most screamable, maybe it would be Harry Styles. Yeah, Harry Styles. Okay, so. If he was in a Shakespeare. So is there a play so incredibly sort of densely written and obscure and kind of niche that even Harry Styles would remain largely unscreamed? Like the Caucasian Chalk Circle or something. I would love to see Harry Styles in the Caucasian Chalk Circle. I'd like to see him do craps slash tapes. Yeah.

Could you neutralize even someone as screamable as Styles? No, I don't think you could. I think Styles is, you can't, you know, the genie is very much out of the bottle. It's too powerful. You can't get it back in. It's too powerful. Even waiting for Godot. But you know, what a genie.

Yeah. Well you like Styles, don't you? I think everybody likes him. Apparently I blanked him the other day on the Heath. What? I'm always walking past... Frank, why do you just drop that in like it's normal? What do you mean you blanked Harry Styles? I don't look people in the face when I'm walking past them.

I don't confront people. I just, I'm thinking about more interesting things than people when I'm walking. But did he greet you? Well Kat said, I think he was smiling at you and I said, Aye, aye, I'm in here, I thought. I said who? She said Harry Styles. I said, oh, I didn't. The producer's clutching her head.

I just don't know. I mean, this is the ultimate. I think it's okay to say this. I also walked straight past Ellie Simmons on the Heath. Now, she's a noticeable person. Oh, you're saying it like Harry Styles, isn't? He's on The Afterthought. He's always sort of underdressed. But I've met Ellie, I've talked to Ellie Simmons about swimming.

I'm really angry with you. We could have got to know Harry Styles and you just thrown it away. Look, as far as Kath was concerned, it was one of those nods of acknowledgement, like when you see the Dossman, he wasn't coming out between places. Yeah, but I've become quite good friends with my Dossman. Look where that could have gone to. Where could it have gone to? It could have been a really nice friendship for all of us. You've just thrown it away. What, me?

His style? Yeah, why not? He might have really respected you. He might love Shane. He might be a huge fan of yours. And we'll never know. Yeah. Was it because he was wearing one of his kind of quite traditional sort of quite long dresses

and pearls? I don't know. What was he wearing? I didn't see. But you know, at a subconscious level you could have thought that's a hamster housewife, she's out. Tradwife. I can't stare at this tradwife.

Harry Styles' tradwife. He does dress a bit tradlike with the pearls. He's got the big basket of carrots all the time. But fair play to him, he was just walking on the heat. Did he have a dog? I don't know. He didn't have anything about him! I didn't see him!

Anyway, that was that. And you've seen other people there, I absolutely love. I don't know if I can mention, because I don't want to get you in trouble in case you want to be discreet, but there's a particular musician, a Scottish musician I love who you speak to. No, Lewis Capaldi I bumped into on there. Did you speak to him? No, I did speak to him. Oh good, okay.

Because I spotted him. I think I... What did you say to him? Well, I said, he had his personal trainer with him. I said, don't go and get all super ripped and fit because people like us need someone to have as a role model as well. You didn't say that? Yeah. What did he say?

He went, no, I'm just trying to get a bit fit. He was quite sweet about it. But do you know what I mean? Of course, yeah. There's a slight betrayal aspect to someone who's been an underdog. I felt really let down by Adele. I like people who are like... I like to think that I represent the average physical person.

Do you? Yeah. Obviously not mentally. Then I tower above them like a structure from Fritz Lang's Metropolis. But physically I'm quite low to the ground. Do you, oh okay, do you think, because you don't like it when people get their teeth done either. Well, I think I'm more for dental work, but I don't like the super, super stupid white.

White plastic look. I don't like that. I'm proud of the fact that I'm one of the few British celebrities who still has regional teeth. Anyway, have we heard from her? Yes. Over at the Hill. Well, we've had so much, I don't think we can share it all, but we've had a

number of people get in touch about capybaras. Can I just say, Harry Styles is obviously very peng. Oh now you're obsessed. He's very peng. Yes. And he filmed one of his videos in the penguin pit Pete. London Zoo, almost as if he was making the Peng pond and none of us got it. Designed by... Till now. Very... was it Edward Lutcheon? Someone like that, Frank? You'll know. Did he do it? I think... I may have got that wrong. The man who did the Ted... the Ned Hotel.

We'll find out. I may have got that one but it was a famous architectural... famous architect anyway. So anyway, Capobbaras which incidentally I was talking to Buzz about. Can I ask you one more question? You may. Has there ever been a Nando's advert that uses Abba's Fernando? Where did this come from? We were talking about the penguin. I would sell my soul Fernando somethingandos, something like that. That would be good. I would happily queue, Fernandos. In South Africa, the Nando's adverts are quite, you know how brands get a reputation, like

you get the opera guy for Go Compare and they stick with the theme. In South Africa, the Nando's adverts are like, that might be a theme that's in Flux. Perhaps. But he's animated now. So yeah. Oh, he was always animated. That's the trouble! The Nando's ads in South Africa are generally very funny. They're like sketches. They lean heavily on humor and this would go viral every now and then. Do they? So what sort of thing is it? I'm not gonna put you on the spot here. So what sort of thing is it? I don't want to put you on the spot here. Some of them are sort of political satire about famous people.

I would always vote for Nando's if only that stand in a democratic election. Yeah, I do apologize. Let's hear from the outside world. It's one of the few voices you can do now. Please tell me we're still invited to your wedding. Yes, it's just us and the Italians now. You've got to go to the wedding and you've done that. Can you do the Italians? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Can you do the Australians? Yeah, that's true. Oh, yeah. Okay. Go on. What were you going to do? I was talking about Cabibara. Yeah. I was discussing them with Buzz because he does, we do, that's why. No, I didn't make up the story about him

Look, no, I'm what they cost. No the reason I didn't suggest you you never lie But I was discussing them with him because I want I've offered to take him to the cap of our experience Which I've just in Hertford sure cost 99 pounds So you and Kath invoice me you will you and Kath can't come I'm afraid you can come with us I've looked into it. But we can't go in, can we? You can observe us having the experience. Yeah.

Okay? Yeah. So we'll see you then. I have paid for that before. More than £99. Oh my God, that is so revolting. Right. This is Les, who says it's a very...

It's alright, we had windscreen wipers. Frank, really. Yes. Frank, very wise idea to not get a capybara as pets, as they're apparently quite good escape artists. I was out running along the Thames in Henley a few years back. I don't live there. Very lovely part of the Thames, that is.

Well, funny you should say that, because Les continues, I don't live there, I'm poor. We were holidaying there. And I was surprised to see a large Labrador critter munching in the weeds at the side of the river. As I got closer I realised it wasn't a Labrador at all, it was a capybara. I took a few snaps of it without getting too close, they're herbivores, but I'd not want to get in their way If swans can break your arm these stocky fellows look like they'd at least sprain your ankle Anyway, turns out this one was called Jack and he'd escaped. Well, they spoke Hello. Oh, there's a hole. Why have they got humans running in their cafes? They should go out on their own Yeah, have some pride.

What is going on? Some sort of hanging out with Badger and Ratty down the river. Have a Henley accent. Turns out this one was called Jack and had escaped from the gardens of Lady Macalpine, who's a very keen, she owns a lot of capybaras apparently. Does she own a lot of building sites? Is it her? That's her husband, yeah.

Oh. And Musely. Lord Macalpine, yeah. Musely? Yeah. No, that's the Scottish Musely. Sorry, I like Frank's view of them. She owns a lot of building sites.

No, I just wondered if it was the same. I don't know if you hear it every day. But if you get invited there, don't say that. I won't. They grow up to a weight. I'll be too busy getting one of the cappuccinos into a holdal for my child. Don't shake her hand and say, so are you a brickie, a spark? How did you get started on site?

Nice soft hands considering all that hard carrying. A lady mcgallpine. Come on, is that the end of the story? No, okay, I'm about to finish, you made me laugh, I apologise. If he kills it with a spade, leave that off. Fine, that's awful. They grow up to a weight of 65 kilos, so they'd make short work of your garden too. My dog is 10 kilos. Gosh.

Good for you. What I would say, I knew that Lady Macalpine had a capybara. Did you? Well I think it made sense. She's got an exotic animal collection so I didn't know specifically a capybara. Oh yeah, of course, that will add to the collection. But there was an obituary written for Jack the Capybara in the Henley Advertiser because he said he was often spotted sunbathing and eating apples and, sorry, it seems quite weird, that's what he did, and entertaining revelers beside the riverbank. He actually weighed a hundred kilograms. I remember there was an American guy and he lived in, I think he lived in an apartment and he had a tiger and a crocodile and yes he was a little eccentric. Anyway the tiger escaped and then it got into the stories and it was a big thing and... It learnt how to operate a lift. They took it away.

What floor? They took it away from him obviously. I'm going down sorry. And in the interview he said, this has broken my heart, he said I don't care about the prison thing he said but I loved that tiger more than I loved anything. And I thought, I felt really bad for that crocodile if he read that quote. I've been living in this fucking flat for two years and for what? And if the crocodile cried, Frank, don't believe it. That's what I'll say. Yeah, I know but... Thing is...

Was he some sort of trad wife, the crocodile? In a little pinny making cookies. And for what? For a thing though. Do you know, I once googled, it was the strangest thing I've ever googled, can you bond with crocodiles? That'd be a good text here. Yeah, let's do it then.

It might be one that we can't read out any of the answers. I once googled, can humans bond with crocodiles? Because I'm always interested what animals can bond. I've seen them wrestle. I mean it was Tarzan. When the results came back it was pretty conclusive that absolutely not. You will never bond with a crocodile. I think the mistake people make with crocodiles is they're a lot faster across land than we think.

What's worse? So if you get out the river you think, oh thank goodness. Oh, is that right? And then you met that Oliver Hardy. Whoa! What's worse, alligator or crocodile? He'll know. I'd say crocodiles are bigger. I thought alligator was worse.

Maybe. Okay. But I say one thing about a crocodile is that you can hold its jaw shut with just your pinky. You could hold it. Your pinky? No, no, no. All the force when they bite comes only, it's only downwards. There's no force upwards. The muscle that they used to open their mouth is like a little tiny thread. So if you've faced with one, just pinch its mouth shut like in a cartoon and it will work. Right, that's good to know. That's what the guy kept doing to the one in his flat. Shush!

It's like a plane. I swore the lightful of you to keep that to yourself all these years. I could have died at that. And after I kept taking you to Longleat. Yeah, I turned up... Give them a scratch, right? Make friends! I turned up a crocodile of the world with a sheaf of A4 to put my holes in it for my lever arch.

And I took my hand off. Oh, the lever arch file. That's the first time I've ever said lever arch file, probably. You know what? Loved it. Lever Archfile, probably, you know what? I loved it. Why? Lever Archfile. There must be a grime singer called that. Lever Archfile, yeah.

Yeah, 10 Brits nominations. Listen, we've got a guest on our next episode, which this is an experiment for Frank off the radio, but it's Josh Whiddicombebe so I'm confident it will work. So do tune in to that. Bye bye. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. The new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch you can email the podcast via frankofftheradio

at avalonuk.com